Reasons a husband withholds affection
The Most Toxic Form of Emotional Abuse: Withholding The Mend Project
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Is there someone in your life who treats you as if you aren’t a valuable person, who often ignores what you say and doesn’t engage with you in what seems like a normal manner? Or maybe someone close to you has given you the silent treatment or held back any emotional reaction or connection?
Keep reading; oftentimes, learning the words and labels that define our emotional abuse experiences is the empowerment we need to move forward and make a change.
If you have ever felt these things, you might be experiencing withholding, which is the most toxic emotional abuse tactic of all.
Traditionally, many think of withholding as denying sex or affection. This is one form of it, and a spouse or partner who refuses to show affection without offering an explanation is certainly withholding a valuable and needed aspect of a healthy union. (However, refraining from sex or affection because you do not feel comfortable with the act or do not trust the other person is actually a healthy form of boundary-setting, and it should not be confused with withholding, which is never done for a healthy reason).
But even more common and perhaps more damaging than refusing to engage in affection is when an individual tries to control or domineer over another person by refusing to authentically communicate.
There are myriad ways in which withholding can manifest. A few examples are:
- A co-worker who is collaborating with you on a project and refuses to share pertinent information from the client so that you appear incompetent to your boss.
- A spouse who doesn’t allow you to talk on the phone with your family or denies access to basic needs like driving privileges.
- A spouse who doesn’t acknowledge your words in a conversation. Maybe it’s at the dinner table with others present or in a group.
- A “friend” who minimizes your successes and gets angry and bullies if you do not tend to their every need and whim.
Similar to gaslighting, withholding makes the victim feel as if they are isolated, ignored or do not have control over their own lives.
One of the reasons it’s so damaging is because the victim cannot do anything to stop it; their only hope for relief is to leave the situation or rid themselves of the abuser.
You cannot force authenticity out of someone; that’s a personal choice. To a victim who feels trapped in a circumstance or relationship with someone who withholds, every instance of abuse sends the message, “You don’t deserve to be treated well.”
This is false. You don’t deserve days of silent treatment. You don’t deserve to be yelled at for exercising freedom. You don’t deserve to have your schedule and privileges regimented like a parent does for a child.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar to you, we encourage you to remove yourself from the person or relationship inflicting withholding sooner rather than later. It’s not important if other people say you’re overreacting, because they don’t understand what you’re enduring unless they’ve been in your position. It’s not important if your abuser says that you aren’t allowed to leave or don’t deserve happiness, because you do deserve it and can have it.
What’s important is that you seek healing from emotional abuse. Talk to a counselor or trusted friend if you aren’t sure where to start. If you are still not sure if you should stay or go, remember that sometimes separation can help you gain clarity.
Also, if you are a friend, counselor or trusted advisor who knows someone experiencing withholding, know that you need to be careful how you respond to the victim. Make sure you are giving them a safe space to share and offer support. If you need help knowing what to say or do, we can help. We are rooting for you.
Author: The M3ND Project
6 Signs You’re Dealing With A Withholder.
Never beg for time, love or attention.
How many times in your life have you been left hanging? Suspended in time waiting for love, affection, information, someone to call, message, show up? If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, then I bet more times than you care to remember.
Withholders deliberately dim your light by starving you of what you need… They feed off your anxiety and pain.
It makes them feel powerful. By withholding from you they feel they are keeping more for themselves. More power, more authority, more control. Narcissists in particular are withholders. They deliberately hold back an emotional reaction or connection and get a thrill when they feel you wanting more. The narcissist will make a point of withholding something that they know you really, really want. Whether it’s a compliment, sexual intimacy, an engagement ring, a gift or quality time together, they withhold as a form of control.
They will withhold until you’re practically begging to have your needs met. They enjoy the feeling of power your begging gives them. They also enjoy the pain that it causes you that you’re not getting what you want or need.
“Don’t beg for anyone’s attention or time. It should always be given to you willingly.” ~ Unknown
Traditionally, withholding was seen as denying sex or affection from your partner. This is not the same as refraining from sex because you do not feel comfortable doing it.
Saying no is a healthy way to set a boundary. It is not the same as withholding as it is not done to punish the other person. Withholding is a toxic, emotional abuse tactic.
Withholding can show up in any type of relationship — you can have a withholding parent, sibling, child, friend, boss or spouse. Withholding manifests in different ways as many things can be withheld — money, affection, time, information, validation, support, praise…
Years ago, I was at a dinner and a guest drank a bit too much wine. Her husband did not approve of her getting tipsy. It was late and she really wanted to go home. I remember watching her beg him to take them home. The more she begged, the longer he took to leave. He continued to make small talk, dragging out their goodbyes and exit as long as possible. She kept pleading with him, “please can we go now?” I could see very clearly that he was punishing her. He was withholding safety, support and comfort. That is not love, it is control.
Withholding is similar to gaslighting as it makes you feel shut out, unimportant, isolated, ignored and disempowered. It is especially damaging because the victim often doesn’t recognize it as a form of abuse. Instead, they believe they are not worthy of getting their needs and desires met. They hand over control to the other person and end up with no personal power. Every act of withholding sends the message,
“You don’t deserve to be treated well. I get to decide when and how much.”
Withholders control the flow of information as well as the tone of a conversation. Excited to catch up with a family member, I’d always end up feeling like I was irritating them, being a pain in the butt or a wasting their time when I called them. The conversation would go something like this:
(Me) “Hello, how are you?”
(Roy) “Fine.”
(Me) “How’s work?”
(Roy) “Fine.”
(Me) “Any news?”
(Roy) “Nah.”
(Me) “Soooo…
They would deliberately withhold about themselves making conversation difficult.
They didn’t care about my life either so it’s not as if I could fill in the blanks talking about myself. Before I had cottoned on to what was really going on, I would put in the energy and effort to maintain connection. I’d try and drag out a conversation and communicate with them. Eventually, I just gave up. When they did show up on the other end of the phone, they would be drunk or stoned on weed, repeating the same thing over and over again. Being high is another way of withholding and being emotionally unavailable.
If you are disconnected from yourself or numbed out, you make excuses for the short answers, chronic lateness, long silences or absences. You push down the knots in your stomach and ignore the hollow feelings of disappointment. Instead of recognizing the cold, punishing behavior for what it is — withholding — you double down on your desire for the abuser’s affection. You think to yourself,
“If only I try harder, do better, be more, then they will visit, call, show up and love me…”
Instead of moving away from the cold, withholding behavior, you crave the abuser’s attention even more.
Instead of pausing and realizing,
“Hang on, this doesn’t feel good, they are not giving love, they are withholding it.”
Your mind hangs on to the illusion or fantasy of who you want them to be — the brother who supports you, the lover who desires you, the parent who shows up for you, the friend or spouse who has your back.
Granted, every now and then they do throw you a bone. But the moment they see you enjoying the love and attention they are offering, they quickly withdraw it again. Suddenly everything goes silent and your calls and messages go unanswered. You feel like you have done something wrong. Your mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what you did or didn’t do to push them away. Next time you find yourself on the icy end of someone’s withholding behavior, instead of getting stuck in your head trying to figure it out, get into your body.
Try this simplified technique of Compassionate Enquiry with yourself, as taught by Gabor Mate. Close your eyes.
Take a few breaths and feel around for the hollow feeling of their absence or silence in your body. No matter how uncomfortable it is, allow yourself to fully feel the sensation of their withholding in your body. Sit with it. Next, ask yourself, “When did I first feel this feeling?” Allow your body to talk to you through images, memories, feelings or emotions. Notice what comes up for you. Perhaps a memory comes up of your brother letting you down badly, or your mother or father. Perhaps they withheld love, time, information or attention? Maybe it is something else. Sit with it. Ask it what it needs for you.
Sometimes we choose people who represent or feel the same as the people who have wounded us in the past. For example, if the men or women in your family were withholding, and this is an unhealed aspect of your psyche, then when someone shows up in the present who also withholds, you will subconsciously be drawn to them like a moth to a flame. You inner child figures, if I can get this person to stop withholding, then finally, I am worthy of time, attention and love. The trouble is, you are trying to get blood out of a stone.
A withholder will withhold. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s their dysfunctional pattern. It’s what they do and there is nothing you can do to change it. Recognize your attraction to those who are emotionally unavailable. Become emotionally available to yourself, and withdraw from the situation or relationship. You deserve to have people in your life who give generously and abundantly. Someone that gives and then takes away is wounding you.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” ~ Unknown
Here are 6 signs you are dealing with a withholder:
1. At work, a withholding boss or co-worker will refuse to share important information with you so that you appear incompetent.
2. A friend or family member who knows you want more details or are waiting for information will get a kick out of deliberately holding it back.
3. A partner who gives you breadcrumbs of love, time or attention — just enough to keep you hooked but not enough to satisfy your needs. You are always left wanting more. If they know your love language is quality time or affection for example, they will deliberately withhold the very things you crave.
4. They arrive intentionally late or leave intentionally early. They deliberately withhold their presence, knowing it upsets you. They may go to bed early or sleep late to deliberately withhold spending time with you. For example, my ex slept the whole day away on my birthday to intentionally withhold his presence so as to spoil the day for me.
5. You have to contend with hours, days or weeks of silent treatment. They deliberately punish you by refusing to acknowledge you or communicate with you. This annihilates your personhood and is very damaging. (Please note: The silent treatment is not to be confused with going no-contact.
Going no-contact is done for self-preservation and safety. Stonewalling and the silent treatment is used to deliberately punish and hurt the other person. It’s all about the intention behind your actions.)
6. They withhold about themselves and their lives— they refuse to share any details about their lives. You get 1-word answers in conversation. They get off on keeping you hanging — they give vague answers and won’t commit to plans. They may also get drunk or high so they are emotionally absent or emotionally unavailable during the visit or conversation. They are there physically but not emotionally.
***
If you are experiencing these behaviors in your relationship/s, you may want to take a step back and gain clarity. Emotional withholding is a weapon used by the abuser to maintain control over you. You will find yourself constantly pursuing the affection, time or support of your partner, friend, sibling or parent. You will always be trying to prove you’re good enough.
They will always be trying to prove that you are not. This is a no win situation. You will never be able to get your needs met in healthy ways with a withholder.
“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.” ~ Brené Brown
This push-pull dynamic often replicates childhood trauma. If you had a withholding, rejecting, or absent parent, it feels normal to have to pursue or earn love, rather than having it freely given.
Check in with yourself:
1. How generous are they to me? Is there an equal exchange of give and take?
2. How invested are they in my well-being? Do they make me feel good or not enough?
3. Are they maintaining the upper hand by ensuring that I continue to seek their approval? Emotional withholding is a tool to keep the balance of power in their favor. They give you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you wanting more, which keeps you trapped in pursuit.
4. Are my needs being met? Am I emotionally satisfied? How often am I sated, versus starving? If you feel like you’re not getting any emotional nutrients, it suggests that the other person is emotionally unavailable. They are using withholding to maintain a dynamic that serves them but not you. This dynamic is very damaging to your self-esteem. You will constantly feel not good enough.
If this is you, please get out of the relationship sooner rather than later. Take back your power. Realize that there is nothing wrong with you — you are trying to get something from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it to you. Unfortunately, abusers rarely change and they often get worse. You deserve love to be given to you feely, abundantly and consistently. Yes, it’s hard to let go, but you deserve better. You deserve to be loved wholeheartedly.
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My husband does not want to have sex with me
196,975
Sex
18+
“There are a lot of myths around the topic of “men and sex”. It is said that men are constantly excited. That they are ready to put the first woman who comes across to bed if she agrees. That they are insatiable in bed is already the merit of a bestseller about the difficult relationship between a student and a millionaire.
So why then are half of my clients women who complain that their partner no longer has sex with them? Because, in fact, these are common clichés that have nothing to do with reality.
When it comes to sex, men and women are the same. Someone feels excited several times a day, someone needs a little love in the evenings or on weekends.
It is not necessary that in the first case it will be a man, and in the second case it will be a woman. Clients have come to me more than once complaining about the lack of sex, but there are also many who ask what to do if a partner demands it too much or too often.
Contrary to stereotypes, a man is not ready to indulge in passion at any time of the day and anywhere
On the contrary, most often he needs a special environment and attitude, especially when it comes to permanent relationships.
But I can tell you what goes through a woman's mind when her man refuses to have sex with her. At first she is simply perplexed, and then she begins to look for a problem in herself.
She changes her haircut, tries to lose weight, starts exercising, changes her style of dress and, of course, devastates the shops with sexy lingerie.
If all these methods do not work, the woman switches to the man.
As a rule, she has only one option - problems with potency. And then she categorically sends him to the doctor. But the catch is that there can be many reasons why sex is postponed and postponed until later.
And of course, you can't expect everything to happen by itself. Sex is a part of a relationship that requires the same attention and effort as everything else.
Therefore, refrain from blaming your partner and do not immediately look for the cause in yourself if the quality or frequency of lovemaking does not suit you. Those who are not satisfied with their sex life tend to think that this is a personal problem of one of the partners, and not a problem in the relationship. But I advise you not to shift the blame - this is a problem both personal and general.
As I have noticed over the years of my practice, people often do not see the real cause of difficulties in their sexual life. The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging its existence.
Don’t hide behind the wording “he just doesn’t want to have sex with me!”, but rather figure out what the real reason is.
Here are some reasons why a husband refuses to make love to his wife.
- Lack of both sexual and personal compatibility between partners.
- The partners moved away from each other.
- Lack of emotional intimacy. A husband may not receive proper support from you, may not feel loved and valued.
- A man may not want to have sex with you if you have been criticizing his actions and his way of life lately.
- Alcohol. It's hard to admit, but it could be a pretty serious reason.
- A man may no longer be attracted to his wife's body. Perhaps her figure is now not at all the same as at the very beginning of their relationship.
- Perhaps the interests of the partners have completely diverged , and the husband has nothing more to talk about with his wife.
- Another woman, even a potential one. If your partner has registered on one of the popular dating services, this is a clear sign of dissatisfaction with your relationship.
- Depression.
- Fear of one's own age , fear of aging.
- A man may have doubts about his sexual abilities , especially if he failed last time and you were not sensitive enough to it.
- Sex hurts him and then it's time to see a doctor.
- He is bored with sex with his wife , he considers it monotonous, so he doesn't want it anymore.
- He is afraid of criticism after intercourse (especially if he has heard criticism before).
- Stress , problems at work and financial difficulties.
- Health problems : overweight, fatigue, anxiety.
- General fatigue at the end of the day.
- He wants to end relationship with you.
- You denied him so many times , referring to malaise and headache, that he lost interest in taking the initiative in this matter.
- He stopped seeing his wife as a sexual object . Perhaps you are now just a woman in a dressing gown and pajama pants with stretched knees for him.
As you can see, there are at least two dozen reasons why a man might refuse to have sex with a woman. Do not criticize your partner and do not put pressure on him - try to figure it out together and find a way out.
Author: Tammy Fontana is a psychologist specializing in marriage, family and love relationships.
Text: Anna Muradova Photo Source: Getty Images
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Men usually know what they like and what they don't.
The first thing they notice about a woman is her looks. If you showed yourself to a man, he will invite you on a date. And for some time, external attractiveness will suffice. But since a man knows exactly what he does not like, he will quickly begin to pay attention to your inner content. Soul, character, habits - all this is of decisive importance. And that's more important than looks.
Coach Lucas McChord has many girlfriends who share dating and relationship stories. The article is not intended to justify men who disappear without explanation, it is intended to explain why they do so.
At the very beginning of a relationship, or even on the first date, there are several important nuances that a woman should pay attention to. Because some of them men read as a warning: "Run away from her, and quickly." This will not change if he gets to know you better, if he catches such “signals”, he will not want to know anything.
1. You are desperate for love and relationships
Men don't like to take emotional responsibility until they have an attachment.
If he feels that you need him, and not just "want", an alarm goes off in his head. An emotionally healthy man will not want to serve as a filler for your emptiness in your soul or in life.
You may have heard otherwise many times, but they do not dream of saving women from a miserable life. They want to be with a woman who can lead a happy and fulfilling life without them. This is not infantilism and immaturity. It's one thing to volunteer to help someone you're already in a relationship with, someone you're attached to, someone you love. And another thing is when this is expected of you or even required from the very beginning. It's intimidating.
2. You want to forget your ex
No man wants to be a substitute for another. If you're divorced or ending a long-term relationship, don't expect some poor guy to take on the role of comforter. Men are attracted to those who have complete order in their lives. And if not complete, they bring this semi-order on their own with joy and enthusiasm.
Women who are interesting to them know what they want from life, are confident in themselves and are not afraid to be alone. If you are looking for a man because loneliness scares you, potential suitors will disappear from your life as soon as they appear on the horizon.
3. You are a drama queen
Men are less able to handle feelings. A study by psychology professor Ann Kring found that women express emotions much more strongly. Men hate complicated displays of affection because they don't know what to do with it. When a woman asks: “Well, where are our relationships heading?”, A man takes possession of several negative emotions at the same time, which he cannot cope with. When she makes a jealous scene or says something like, "I think I like you more than you like me," he doesn't know how to react. And it's easier for him to run away than to deal with the drama.
The beginning of a relationship involves getting to know each other, having fun, creating an emotional connection and intimacy.
But if you start weighing his contribution to the relationship from the very first days (weeks, months), expecting more than he has to offer, most likely he will not stay around to find out if you are worth it and leave.
4. You are not confident in yourself
A teacher once said, “If you don't believe in yourself, why would anyone else believe in you?” If you are not confident in yourself and your actions, a man will not make up for this lack. If you need constant confirmation that you look great, work great, raise kids progressively, and cook divinely, he will get tired of having to cheer you up every day.
Nothing is more attractive than self-confidence and self-esteem. We cannot offer anything to a potential partner if we do not believe in ourselves and do not respect ourselves as a person.
Women are beautiful, and without them we would simply be lost. It is important for women to understand that they do not need men. They can do just fine without us.
