Looking for female friend with benefits
How to Initiate a Friends with Benefits Situation
Culture
Without, you know, blowing up your entire social life.
By Sophia Benoit
Illustration by Alicia Tatone
Barbecue sauce is to thank for my first friends-with-benefits situation. One night, I was extolling the virtues of Sweet Baby Ray’s—I come from St. Louis, where citizens consume almost twice as much barbecue sauce per capita as the average person—and I claimed that I would eat barbecue sauce off someone’s dick. (I’m cringing, too, don’t worry.) “In fact,” I lamented, “why don’t people incorporate barbecue sauce in the bedroom more? Why is it only chocolate sauce?”
After a bit, we moved on from barbecue sauce, but later that night I got a text from one of my friends saying, “Were you serious about the barbecue sauce thing?” I scrambled to figure out which part of my pro-sauce soliloquy he was referring to. (If you are ever going to ask a woman to be your FWB in this exact same way, please be more specific than this guy was.) Eventually he not-so-smoothly brought up barbecue sauce and dicks, which led to us joking around and him saying, “haha we should do that sometime.” Reader: We did not do that. But the text did open the door for us to fuck, which was the actual goal of the whole conversation. Bless you, Sweet Baby Ray’s.
It’s a hard conversation to have. There’s a risk—more perceived than real—that you’ll irrevocably ruin a friendship and be branded as a massive weirdo if you admit you’d be down to hook up with a friend of yours. I’ve had a few friends-with-benefits situations, and I can tell you that no one way of bringing this up is going to make you feel like you’re not doing something potentially disastrous. But let me also assure you that it’s normal to want casual sex; a lot of people are going to be similarly thrilled with the idea. And the ones who aren’t? They probably aren’t going to be scandalized by it.
Unless you’re hanging out with a lot of practicing Mennonites, you’re probably not going to ruin a friendship by respectfully suggesting a low-key bone sesh. I’m just going to tell you how to do it the right way.
WHEN
A friends-with-benefits talk should happen only after sex has already happened once—asking before there’s been any mutual acknowledgement of sexual interest is a bit too bold, and is more likely to land you in an uncomfortable situation. You can suggest casual sex with a friend you’ve been flirting with (just make your expectations clear), but the ongoing agreement of a sex relationship can’t happen until you’ve already boned once. Otherwise, it’s like saying, “We should do this again” before the first date.
Conversely, you also can’t sleep with someone six times and then just assume they’re on the same page simply because you guys keep having sex. Up-front communication is key in a friends-with-benefits relationship, if only to prevent thornier conversations later.
After the first time you fuck a friend, the next chance you get to talk to them while clothed, bring it up. You can say something straightforward like “Hey, I had a lot of fun the other night and would love to do that again, but I should be clear that I’m thinking more of a friends-with-benefits situation rather than dating. No big deal if you’re not into that, though, just wanted to be up front!” Don’t make it some weird diatribe about how you’re not ready for a relationship or can’t give them enough emotionally. No one wants to take on that information from a FWB.
HOW
Jokes are your friend here. The more playful and flirty you can be, the better. If someone jokes about being willing to eat a condiment off of a dick, they’ve given you a gift, and that gift is: You can now bring up sex in a low-key way. One trick of adulthood I’ve learned is if you treat something like Not a Big Deal, other people will follow suit. If you sit someone down and tell them solemnly that you want to propose something to them, and then that something is access to your dick, not only are they probably going to say no, but now you’ve made it weird.
However, if you’re casual and confident (you can fake these) about it, you’ll set the tone. This will make it a lot easier to turn down your offer. Feel free to poke fun at the situation; something like “I know this is a total cliché, but I’m not really dating seriously right now, and as gross as the phrase is, what do you think about a friends-with-benefits situation?” This at least acknowledges that there isn’t a good way to go about asking someone to fuck but not date.
One way to help yourself is to make it known among your friend group that you’re looking for something casual, and to be open about it when it comes up. Don’t interject the idea into every conversation, but if people ask about your relationship status, especially if it’s in front of a person you’re interested in being FWB with, be honest. “I wish I could find a no-strings-attached thing right now, because work is too crazy to commit to someone.” There’s a chance this opens the door to you and the person you want to bang talking about casual sex, which is the #1 easiest way to transition into sleeping with each other.
Finding a friend with benefits is one of the only acceptable uses of Tinder, and when you do match with a friend you’re interested in, actually message them, for the love of God. Tinder just did 98 percent of the guesswork for you, so tackle the final step and set it up. Reach out with a “Oh, hey there, this is crazy” or an inside joke if you have one, wait ’til she responds, and then ask her to get a drink sometime. Don’t initiate things that seem like dates. (If you don’t know by now, dinner = relationship and drink = fuck.) Keep it casual, and don’t buy dinner for your friends with benefits.
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WHO
Who to approach is almost as important as the how. Of course, you should be attracted to someone you’re sleeping with—that’s pretty much the bare minimum—but some people are smarter choices than others. An ex, for example, is a catastrophic idea in almost all cases, and ditto for anyone you consider a close friend.
When there’s both a sexual and an emotional relationship, it’s only a matter of time before someone’s brain realizes you two are basically dating. You can eat a tortilla and ground beef separately if you want; it doesn’t mean you didn’t eat a taco.
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The phrase “friends with benefits” is a bit of a misnomer—it’s more like “friendly with benefits.” Who you really ought to look for is someone more friend-adjacent. Someone you see at big group gatherings but who isn’t coming to your place every week to watch Great British Bake Off already. GBBO Girl is already part of your emotional support network; drafting her to your fuck roster is a no-no. You want someone who has never seen you cry at the end of Click. The pros of finding someone a little further out of orbit are manifold.
First, it’s going to be easier and less awkward to bring up sex stuff to them. The stakes of flirting with an acquaintance are much lower than trying to casually tell your best friend you've always thought about boning her, which will likely result in her questioning whether you guys were ever friends at all.
The most ideal FWB situation is someone you haven’t seen in a few years whom you used to be close with. It has the benefit of past intimacy, plus current distance. Second, any potential fallout is a lot less likely to blow up your whole friend group or ruin a once-solid friendship.
WHY
This is short but important: Never get into a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone you’ve always wanted to date, or someone you have a crush on. You’re courting disaster. Also: Don’t get involved with someone who you know—or think—has a crush on you if you don’t feel the same way. While many relationships have started as FWB, this should not be the goal for either of you.
When you bring up being FWB, you also have to lay down some boundaries. Are you going to see each other outside of hooking up? Are you sleeping with other people? (While it may seem obvious to you that FWB isn’t exclusive, don’t assume that the other person is on the same page.) Establish that if either of you wants more—or less—at any point, you’re welcome to walk away, and you guys will make every effort to return to being friends just like before.
People often worry about things “being weird” after a FWB relationship ends, but you both have the power to be mature and fake it until the proverbial point where you “make it” and the memory of the five times you hooked up a few summers ago is distant.
Daunting though they may seem, FWB relationships are worth it. People like to say they “never work out,” but first of all, they do. Many people have had a friend with benefits, and they’re a great way to get fun, safe, and quality sex if you aren’t in a good place in your life for a relationship. But also, nothing works out. Dating doesn’t work out. Being single doesn’t work out. Being married doesn’t work out. Avoiding relationships because they won’t “work out” is foolish and impossible, ultimately. So go for it. Shoot your shot. Sleep with your friend.
We Asked 20 Women: Do you think friends with benefits can work?
There’s no denying the allure of “friends with benefits.” But there’s also no denying the risks attached to it.
You’re tempted to breach the boundaries of your relationship—go from pals who eat takeout and watch Netflix to pals who eat takeout, watch Netflix, then have sex on the couch. Problem is, your carefree lady friend who seemed like the perfect sex partner could be totally chill about the whole situation, start sleeping with someone else, then you find yourself irrationally jealous and wanting her to be much, much more than a casual romp. Or, she could turn around and attach herself to you entirely so you’re left with the dilemma of breaking things off entirely so you no longer have a sex buddy or a buddy buddy—and everyone loses.
What’s a guy to do? Well, you can start by listening to what 20 women have to say about the interesting proposal—they might help you make up your mind.
“I suppose it can work if you and your friend are completely open about what you’re looking for and willing to adjust if it no longer works for someone.” – Eliza J.
“Usually not. It’s hard for feelings to not get in the mix, and someone always seems to get hurt.
But if both people want to suppress their feelings then, hey, why not?” – Nicole M.
“I’m actually in a friends-with-benefits relationship right now. I think it works if you have boundaries and legit open communication. Both people have to be on the exact same page, otherwise it gets messy.” – Kirsten E.
“Hard no. You think it can work, and you tell yourself it can work, but it can’t.” – Lauren R.
“I think friends with benefits can work when guidelines are set about each person’s expectations. However, someone is bound to catch feelings eventually. Sex creates attachment—thank you brain chemicals.” – Alexa P.
“No, they don’t work because I’ll become obsessed with him.” – Sarah H.
“I think the only way it can work is if both people really don’t give a shit about anything and don’t need love.” – Jessica S.
“Eh, I don’t think so, unless feelings are mutual. It’s always sticky when you find out other parties are involved.” – Jessica L.
“If you’ve only ever been friends—never dated.
And if it’s brief!” – Tara W.
“I think friends with benefits is good while it lasts, but it definitely has an expiration date. Someone, at some point, will want something more serious or want out.” – Laura M.
“It. Can. Never. Work.” – Danielle C.
“Yes, but in my experience it will only work if you’re friends first. You can’t choose to be friends with benefits early on in a relationship, because neither party knows each other well enough to be 100% comfortable and committed with the expectations.” – Vanessa L.
“In the beginning it can work but once it happens more than a few times and it becomes consistent, someone will fall for the other.” – Jane R.
“I think in rare occasions it works, especially if you have the same personality type—the type that doesn’t like commitment.” – Olivia R.
“I think it’s everyone’s dream, but someone always ends up feeling too strongly about the other person and it will eventually blow up.” – Brianna S.
“Friends with benefits never works.
Someone always grows feelings and then the friendship and the sex stops…so everyone loses.” – Carly G.
“I think acquaintances with benefits can work, but definitely not friends. Someone always gets hurt, and it’s usually the one you least expect.” – Chrissie G.
“You saw this played out in movies with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake and with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman. Friends with benefits is great for two weeks, then it falls apart.” – Marianna S.
“Friends with benefits is interesting. I’m into the idea of sleeping with someone I’m already comfortable with. But you know it’s going to go up in flames.” – Paige T.
“I friend zone all my guy friends so I’d never actually do this.” – Rachel K.
Friendship with privileges - how does resentment arise?
Recently, I decided to answer the question as specifically as possible whether there is friendship between a man and a woman.
In order to give an answer, I have presented two possible formats for such a relationship.
The first option is true friendship. Or True Friendship, as I have called it here. This is exactly the same friendship as between people of the same sex. True friendship between a man and a woman exists, but is extremely rare. Such a friendship requires the absence of sexual attraction between friends - even "hypothetical" (drank together, one went after another, and whoops).
The second option is the so-called Friend Zone. These relationships are much more common. From the outside, they are very similar to friendship. But in reality, this is no friendship. These relationships are supported by the man's desire to turn friendship into love (well, or into sex) and the woman's desire to have a friend who will not go anywhere, because he subconsciously wants to be with her (read, wants her).
True friendship is rare. Friendzone - defective for men (beautiful for women).
But there is a third version of friendship. In my subjective opinion, the most viable.
It is quite common.
But they rarely talk about it openly. And if they say something, it is not enough. Well, it's not customary to talk about it...
In this article, I'll talk about such relationships in the context of my site - that is, resentment. If people are interested in the topic of such relationships, then I will write about them in the future. Personally, I'm a big fan of them.
What kind of relationship, finally?
Hello friendship with privileges
Also known as “friendship sex”, “friendship sex”, etc. Sometimes people use the name “relationship without obligations”, but personally I don’t like it, because it gives off a negative and almost disgusts it. Although these relationships have their beauty.
What is there in such a relationship?
They have regular quality sex. This is the first point.
They have mutual friendly sympathy (such as you have for your comrades with a good sense of humor, for example). It can manifest itself, for example, in a conversation over tea after sex.
This is the second point.
That's it, that's friendship with privileges. Or, as I like to call it, sex friendship. It does not include trips to cafes, restaurants and cinemas. There is no romance, fantasies about a joint future. No travel and joint leisure outside the bedroom.
Have sex and talk over tea. Nothing else.
This relationship is very different from both True Friendship and the Friend Zone.
In True Friendship there is a place of deep connection - the kind that is possible with old friends. In sex friendship, such depth is impossible - people will begin not only to sleep together, but also to fall in love with each other. There is nothing wrong with that if both of them want it. There is a lot of bad in this if only one of the friends wants it. More on this below.
Sex cannot be in the friendzone simply by definition. The friend zone rests on the fact that a man is not given. In privileged friendships, sex is an integral component and foundation of the relationship, just as it is in romantic relationships.
Personally, I strongly recommend this format of relationships to everyone. Both men and women.
There are many advantages for men in such relationships. They save time. They save money. They do not require emotional investment. They are an excellent source of sexual release. If a man is not interested in romantic relationships with women, but at the same time he has a sex drive, then sex friendship is a very, very good option. An added bonus for men is that such relationships kill all sorts of limiting beliefs that flourish in men’s brains in the bud:
- Women are not as interested in sex as men.
- A self-respecting woman would not agree to such a relationship.
- I have to take care of a woman, otherwise I will have nothing with her.
- There are serious relationships, but there is sex for once.
- …
For women, there are also advantages in such relationships. Many women have periods when they do not want a serious relationship, or they are not ready for them for some reason of their own.
At the same time, no one canceled a healthy sex drive. If such a woman has a sex friendship with one or more partners, this may ideally suit her current needs.
I could write a lot more on the topic of such relationships (and I may do so in the future), but now that the necessary informational minimum has been met, we need to move on to our sheep.
Considering how easy and enjoyable such a relationship is for the people involved, is it possible to get offended?
Oh yes, and how!
How does a man get offended?
A man experiences a feeling of resentment when a girl abruptly and without explanation stops such a relationship.
The harsh reality is that such a relationship can only last if the girl has a traditional boyfriend. If there is a man in her life with whom she has a serious romantic relationship, she is much less likely to expect this romance from her sex friend. Accordingly, she may be long-term comfortable with her sex-friend, who gives her only sex and conversation over tea.
But if her sex friend is the only man she has sex with, then such a relationship is short-lived.
The fact that this girl is now in a period in which she is interested in sex friendship does not mean that this order of affairs cannot end tomorrow. And if it ends, then she will feel more and more that from the man with whom she sleeps, she wants much more than just sex.
If, at the same time, such a relationship does not develop into something closer to a romantic one, either due to his or her unwillingness (with him personally), she simply quietly leaves.
Another possible variant is that she got a guy with whom she sees a greater prospect than with her sex friend. In this case, all the more so, she will leave quietly - she does not want to hurt the feelings of her sex friend.
If a man has not had experience of such relationships before and/or he does not yet know the nature of a woman well enough, such behavior can freeze him.
Why did she suddenly leave?
Damn, she had such great sex, and she just left.
What happened?
It's a shame, honestly, it's a shame!
The main thing in such a situation is to write down all your emotions associated with the departure of the girl, write down your desire to “return her”, regret that perhaps she will not return again, and the bitterness of “loss”. And then work it all out.
In the future, a man will know that such relationships are short-lived, and he will be ready for this in advance. And great. Any relationship is temporary.
How does resentment arise in a woman?
A woman's resentment in sex friendship arises when a man behaves ambiguously.
Today he acts as if he is only interested in sex and pleasant conversation with her over tea.
And tomorrow he invites her to the cinema.
WHAT?!
What does all this mean?!?!
So who am I to him, just a sex partner, or does he have feelings for me?
How should I behave now?
I feel good with him, the sex is great, and he's great.
Maybe with him we will now have something more?
Due to the fact that a man behaves inconsistently, a woman begins to doubt her status. Very often this ends in a quarrel and an unpleasant parting. At first, he gave the impression that he was interested in something other than sex, and then he treats her like a “rag” ...
In fact, the whole point is the lack of self-control in such a man. He may stupidly want to go to the movies with a woman. And in his life there is a woman with whom he sleeps. So why not go to the movies with her? What's in it?
He does not understand that by doing this he creates false expectations in the woman. If he kept the relationship at the level of sex and conversation over tea, then there would be no resentment.
To make matters worse, this man may have a limiting belief in his head that says he is must somehow provide the woman with non-sexual leisure, otherwise she will leave. At the same time, he does not understand that if he gives her this leisure, she will exactly leave.
Only with a roar. Because later it turns out that he provided her with this leisure not because he had feelings for her, but because it seemed to him that needed so stupidly.
Alas, inconsistency is a feature of a huge number of men when it comes to relationships with women...
What should a woman do so that resentment does not arise?
In my opinion, the main thing is to recognize as a fact that a man's appearance of developing a relationship in no way means that he has any feelings that have developed through good sex and conversation over tea.
This may mean that he has an OD functioning that motivates him to engage in romantic behavior with the woman he is sleeping with.
Or it could mean that he just wants to go to the movies with a woman.
What this does not exactly mean is that he is now interested in you not just as a sexual partner.
If you are not interested in romance with him, I recommend rejecting all his offers of joint leisure that go beyond sex and conversation over tea.
If you're interested in a romantic relationship, go to the movies with him, but don't jump to conclusions just yet. Be prepared for the fact that in a few weeks his behavior may change, and he will again begin to treat you like a sexual friend.
If he systematically upgrades his relationship from sexually friendly to sexually romantic, then cheers. Of course, if that's what you need...
And of course, don't forget to work through any grievances.
If you are interested in this topic, be sure to write in the comments!
Men about falling in love with a "friend with privileges"
- Photo
- franckreporter / E+ / Getty Images
A "friend with privileges" is someone you sleep with but technically don't date. Have fun, have fun, but without any obligations and conditions. Remember the comedy "Friends with Benefits" with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, where the main characters were just friends at first, and then they realized that they loved each other? In life, as in the movies, such relationships also often end in love.
Here's what the men who fell for their "friends with privileges" say.
1. Ivan, aged 29: “We met with her once a week for a year, but we didn't consider ourselves a couple. Closer to the New Year, I realized that I had deep feelings for her, and on December 31 I confessed this to her. Surprisingly, she reciprocated. We have been married for 4 years, our son is two years old”
2. Nikita, 33: “I had intimate relationships with other women, and I let her know that. I felt too young to start a relationship with only one girlfriend, I wanted to try more, so to speak, to know life in all its manifestations. But this woman literally hooked me. When you meet someone fun and sexy, you can't just say goodbye to them. At some point, I felt that I was jealous of others and I wanted her to be only with me. Then we started dating, and it's been going on for a year."
3. Valery, 25: “We met on Tinder, where I immediately told her that I was looking for a girl purely for sex.
She didn't mind. We exchanged phone numbers and met periodically. At first I called her when there was nothing much to do. But a few months ago, my dog got sick and I unknowingly called her for support. She was not only cool in bed, but also a good person. At some point, our "entertaining" meetings were filled with warm feelings for each other, and we realized that we just had to be together. We had a serious talk and decided to become a couple, although until recently this idea seemed absurd to us.
4. Sergei, aged 41: » We have known each other since childhood, but we have never experienced anything stronger than friendship. Our parents were friends and we met often. One day she told me that a young man had left her, and I invited her to the park to talk. On the evening of that day, we ended up in her apartment and had sex. At first it was, so to speak, therapeutic measures, because she suffered, and I felt sorry for her. But we soon realized that we were drawn to each other .
.. I invited her to meet officially, but she was afraid of publicity and did not want to commit herself again. So we had to end our romance."
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- Nastia11 / iStock / Getty Images Plus / Getty Images
5. Denis, 34 years old: “I think friendships are the perfect way to start a relationship. It's fun and casual, and you'll quickly get to know who the person really is, because when you're friends, you don't have to pretend and wear masks. All three of my serious novels began with friendly sex and I have never made a mistake in choosing a partner.
6. Maksim, 30 years old: “She was my close friend for several years. We didn't even have sex, we just hung out. I could tell her things that I was embarrassed to tell my male friends. She gave me advice on how to behave with girls, and always cheered me up during failures.
We got closer and closer without knowing it. The longer I knew her, the more I loved her. True, I did not immediately understand that this was love for a woman, and not for a "friend with privileges." At some point, we became a couple, and it happened quite naturally, we have been dating for 2 years and recently got engaged!
7. Igor, aged 23: “She was a fatal beauty and broke many men's hearts. So when we had sex, I firmly said to myself: “Don't fall in love, boy! It won't lead to anything good." I continued to sleep with her, but I could not control my feelings. I fell in love with her and knew that she would not love me back. And so it happened, she left me, and I fell into a severe depression for almost six months.
8. Timur, 26 years old: “We immediately agreed that there were no attachments between us. She dated others, and so did I. We had a great time together, without feeling jealous, without expressing claims. At some point, I wanted my serious relationship with a woman to be just like that - light, funny, playful.
But everything changed as soon as we started dating her officially. Somewhere lightness disappeared, life fell on her, and she turned from an eternally carefree laughter into a disgruntled, capricious person. We only lasted 8 months and then broke up.”
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- South_agency / E+ / Getty Images
9. Mikhail, 37: “I was sure that I didn't deserve her. She was independent, popular in our company, and I lived with my parents and went to work by subway. We constantly crossed paths, but were only friends. One day she told me that she was going on a date with another guy, and I suddenly experienced a terrible attack of jealousy and pain. She noticed my reaction and asked what was going on. Then I asked her out on a date with me and we've been together ever since. It turned out that all this time she did not approach me, because she was sure that she was not my type.
