Narcissism and anger issues

8 Signs of Narcissistic Rage

“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda

Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” and self-absorbed.

Narcissistic rage can be defined as intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression when a narcissist experiences a setback or disappointment, which shatters his (or her) illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, and superiority, and triggers inner inadequacy, shame, and vulnerability.

Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden fits of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as simmering resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or cutting sarcasm. What distinguishes narcissistic rage from normal anger is that it is usually unreasonable, disproportional, and cuttingly aggressive (or intensely passive-aggressive), all because the narcissists’ wants and wishes are not being catered to. It is a blow to their superficial, idealized self-image.

(It is important to note that not all angry outbursts are narcissistic. There may be other factors at work, such as chemical imbalance, head injury, drugs, alcohol, etc.)

Below are eight scenarios when narcissistic rage often occurs, with references from my books, How to Successfully Handle Narcissists, and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards the Higher Self. Whether at home, at work, in social interactions, or in day-to-day activities, narcissistic rage may occur when:

1. The narcissist doesn’t get his or her way, even when it’s unreasonable.

2. The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.

3. The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.

4. The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries.

“How dare you talk to me this way in front of my son!” —Angry customer being called out for blatantly cutting in line

5. The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions.

6. The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image (such as when being told he will not be given “exception to the rule”, or be granted “special treatment”).

7. The narcissist is reminded of his or her charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing.

8. The narcissist feels (fears) not in control of their relational or physical surroundings.

In each of the cases above, narcissistic rage is utilized as a manipulative tool on the outside, and a pain-avoidance device on the inside. Like a spoiled child who throws a tantrum when not catered to, the narcissist attempts to use their “rage” to coerce their targets (victims) to give in. At the same time, the intense “drama” distracts the narcissist from the inner pain and inadequacy of not being constantly worshipped on a pedestal (narcissistic supply). The narcissist falls apart, psychologically and emotionally, at the prospect of not being “special," “unique," or “above others. "

Destructive Consequences

The heavy price many narcissists pay for their “rage”, as well as for their narcissistic behavior in general, may include one or more of the following:

1. Family Estrangement – Multiple studies have examined the relationship between narcissism and difficult family relationships.

2. Relational Dissolution & Divorce – Research has also shown the tremendous negative impact narcissism has on romantic relationships and marriages.

3. Relationship Cut-Offs – Since narcissists “use” rather than “relate”, they tend to leave many broken relationships behind. Narcissists also experience relationship cut-offs from others feeling let down, disappointed, lied to, used, manipulated, violated, exploited, betrayed, ripped-off, demeaned, invalidated, or ignored.

4. Loneliness and Isolation – Due to the first three factors described above, most narcissists have few, if any healthy, close, and lasting relationships. Some higher-functioning narcissists achieve external success in life – at the expense of others – and find themselves lonely at the top.

5. Missed Opportunities – From a lack of true substance and/or connectedness.

6. Financial, Career, or Legal Trouble – From rule-breaking, gross irresponsibility, careless indulgence, or other indiscretions.

7. Damaged Reputation – From personal and/or professional lack of credibility, reliability, and trustworthiness.

8. Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed. Deep down, many narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling”, even if they painfully don’t want to admit it.

Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is highly aware, and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists no longer willing to play the charade at the cost of genuine relationships and credibility, there are ways to liberate from falsehood, and progressively move toward one’s Higher Self. For those who live or work with narcissists, perceptive awareness and assertive communication are musts to establishing healthy and mutually respectful relationships. See references below.

Unhealthy Narcissism and Anger | Psychology Today

Healthy narcissism entails a healthy self-focus and sufficient self-regard that allows and supports the pursuit of our dreams and self-care including self-compassion. As psychologist Rick Hanson indicates, “Humans have need for recognition that includes mirroring, attunement and prizing” (2014). Healthy narcissism can inform the resilience we need in order to listen to our inner authority rather than be overly dependent on the demands or expectations of others.

By contrast, unhealthy narcissism entails a preoccupation with the self, driven by an unhealthy sense of self. These narcissists have an intense need to be admired, a sense of entitlement, and an ever-present preoccupation about seeing themselves as better than others. This is most often a defensive stance adopted in an effort to compensate for a deeper sense of inadequacy, powerlessness, shame, and ineffectiveness.

While narcissism may be reflected in a variety of ways, it tends to fall into two broad categories—grandiose and vulnerable. A third category is narcissistic personality disorder, a recognized mental health disorder.

Three forms of narcissism

Grandiose narcissism. Individuals with grandiose narcissism possess an attitude of being better than others, coupled with ambition, charm, and charisma. They can be likable, possess high self-esteem, and a tendency to overestimate their abilities and intelligence. They may spend a major portion of their lives striving to be healthier and more successful, and can be friendly, warm, and persuasive. Or, they may exploit others and be driven by feelings of entitlement.

Vulnerable narcissism. By contrast, vulnerable narcissists are insecure, have low self-esteem, and feel entitled to special treatment. At the same time, they may be passive in trying to get their needs met. Their tendency toward introversion makes them less available to satisfy their desires.

Narcissistic personality disorder. Those who exhibit narcissistic qualities to a more pathological degree are classified as having narcissistic personality disorder. They are intensely and pervasively self-absorbed, manipulative, and exploitative in relationships. They lack empathy and compassion, while harboring fantasies about being better than others. They have an intense need for flattery and admiration, as well as feelings of entitlement and arrogance that fuel their taking advantage of others. And yet, underneath this façade they possess highly fragile self-esteem.

The weak self-esteem associated with narcissism leads to a vulnerability to anger arousal. And yet, each of these different types of narcissist may vary in the quickness to become angry, its intensity, pervasiveness, and duration. This is reflected in the research regarding narcissism and anger.

Narcissistic word cloud

Source: 123rf Stock Photo/ Arloo

Narcissism and anger

A comprehensive study of narcissism and anger involved a meta-analysis of 437 independent studies that included 123,043 participants (Kjaervik and Bushman, 2021). While previous meta-analytic reviews had been made, this one was more comprehensive–including more studies, research that examined normal and pathological narcissism, different forms of aggression, and other variables.

It found that narcissism was related to both aggression and violence—stronger under provocation, but significant even without provocation. Both “normal” and “pathological” narcissism were related to a heightened propensity for aggression. Narcissism was found to be related to different forms of aggression—indirect, direct, displaced, physical, verbal, and bullying—and to both reactive and proactive functions of aggression. The relationship between narcissism and aggression was found to be significant for males and females, for individuals of all ages, for students and non-students, and for people from individualistic and collectivistic countries.

One study found that the grandiose and vulnerable dimensions of narcissism are associated with different forms of aggression (Bryce, et. al., 2021). This research surveyed 1883 individuals and found that, while grandiose narcissism is associated with aggression, vulnerable narcissism is more greatly associated with a variety of forms of aggression.

Another study explored the associations of three emotional patterns with narcissism (Sauls and Zeigler-Hill, 2020). Specifically, it evaluated emotional patterns of assertive/extraverted, antagonistic/disagreeable, and vulnerable/neurotic aspects of narcissism, and found that the assertive/extraverted aspect of narcissism was characterized by the presence of anger and positive emotions along with the absence of fear and sadness. In contrast, the antagonistic/disagreeable aspect of narcissism was characterized by the presence of anger, and the absence of positive emotions and fear. The vulnerable/neurotic aspect of narcissism was characterized by the presence of negative emotions and the relative absence of positive emotions. Anger was associated with all three patterns.

One investigation found a higher correlation between trait anger and vulnerable narcissism than with grandiose narcissism (Maciantowicz and Zajenkowski, 2020). It also concluded that neuroticism was more highly associated with vulnerable narcissism.

One comprehensive inquiry conducted four separate studies in an effort to better identify the nature and sources of underlying rage (Krizan and Johar, 2015). All of the studies found that narcissistic vulnerability (rather than grandiosity) was associated with rage, hostility, and aggressive behavior. More specifically, the research team concluded that suspiciousness, dejection, and angry rumination fueled these tendencies. Vulnerable (but not grandiose) narcissism predicted more anger internalization and externalization, as well as weaker anger control.

Additionally, vulnerable narcissism was associated with shame and aggression. One of this team's studies concluded that distrust of others and angry rumination were key contributing factors for vulnerable narcissists’ reactive and displaced aggression. Finally, one study revealed that vulnerable narcissism heightened reaction and displaced aggression in the face of provocation. Overall, the results implicate deficient self-esteem as an important factor in promoting aggressive behavior.

An earlier study found that narcissistic anger is related to threats to one’s heightened sense of entitlement (Witte, et. al., 2002). This study involved 120 male undergraduate students who responded to the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and the Novaco Anger Scale. It also found the association based on the tendency of entitlement and not necessarily the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

A very recent study evaluated provoked narcissistic aggression and how it might be impacted by de-escalated and escalated provocations (Hart, et. al., 2021). Participants (680) first completed measures of grandiose narcissism (normal and pathological) and vulnerable narcissism. They then participated in imagining scenarios, some of which depicted the provocateur as escalating or de-escalating the provocation. Additionally, they rated anger and humiliation, perceived “narcissistic injury," goals, and aggression.

Those evidencing grandiose narcissism more frequently shared expressions of aggression following escalated provocation. Perceived narcissistic injury and narcissistic goals were more strongly associated with pathological grandiose narcissists following escalated provocation. Revenge goals and narcissistic identity goals were associated with “normal” narcissists. In contrast, vulnerable narcissism was more strongly associated with anger, perceived narcissistic injury, and narcissistic identity goals following de-escalated provocation.

Healthy narcissism is an aspect of positive well-being. By contrast, those who are high in narcissism are more prone to anger and aggression when they feel provoked. As such, they are more susceptible to the harmful emotional, social, and physical impact of frequent anger. Additionally, they are more disposed to difficulty with the law as a consequence of their aggression.

With appropriate psychotherapy, those with unhealthy narcissism can be helped to understand, recognize, and respond to, rather than react to, triggers of their anger. Additionally, they can be assisted in developing a sense of self that is less dependent upon a perceived need to protect their ego. This work takes time and commitment with a skilled therapist.

Most importantly, such therapy needs to address those variables that account for anger with each of the three types of narcissism—vulnerable, grandiose, and pathological types.

Beware: narcissism! | PSYCHOLOGIES

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A person among peopleKnow thyself

“Maxim was witty, elegant, he looked after me beautifully, like a prince for a princess,” recalls 29-year-old Inessa. - We lived together for six months, he carried me in his arms both literally and figuratively. When I found out that I was pregnant, I flew to him as if on wings, I thought we would be even happier. And he left! He just walked out the door and didn't come back. I called him for three days, and finally he answered. I begged him to explain what was the matter. “You will become fat and ugly,” he said. Or you will have an abortion and cry. Yes, and still already tired, ”and turned off the phone.”

Unwillingness to deal with the everyday, boring side of life is one of the characteristic features of those who are called narcissists. “They have a high opinion of themselves and believe that their life should be bright and exceptional,” clinical psychologist Tatiana Voskresenskaya describes their traits. “If partners are unable to meet their requirements, narcissists part with them without regret.”

These features are manifested not only in personal life. At work, they are absolutely sure that all the best is theirs by right. “I was so confused that I didn’t even object when my colleague, presenting a joint project, attributed all the credit to herself and hinted that as a young employee she was much more promising than me,” recalls 36-year-old Elena. “But while we were working, she constantly asked me for advice.”

Considering themselves exceptional, narcissists are convinced that they deserve more than others. In all others, they see either an enthusiastic audience or a means to the goal, which can be forgotten when the goal is achieved. In a strange way, they do not immediately understand this. Because at first glance, the narcissist is charming, brilliant, effective. He knows how to entertain society, often smart and attractive. But once you get to know him better, the picture changes.

Internal void

You notice that he only talks about himself, about his successes and exploits, demanding special attention to himself. He idealizes all his deeds and achievements and often devalues the successes of other people. In response to the slightest criticism, he falls into a rage or pours winter cold.

Do not try to doubt his uniqueness, otherwise you will incur his wrath - he will turn away and erect a wall of silence between you. Such people often deny their need for someone else's participation, but in fact they need the admiration of others. Their self-esteem depends on the opinions of others.

“We all care to some extent about what people think of us, but for a narcissist it is a matter of life,” says Tatyana Voskresenskaya. He exists for himself only as a reflection in the eyes of other people. Therefore, when they turn away from him, he perceives the disappearance of the reflection as a threat to his existence. Hence his sharp reaction to criticism: he will fiercely defend himself, accusing others of complete insignificance.

In the place where most people have an idea of their "I", the narcissistic person has a feeling of emptiness. It is this that pushes him to exploits and accomplishments, sometimes really impressive and worthy of sincere admiration.

Narcissists are almost incapable of being aware of their own feelings and desires, so they have no basis for understanding the feelings and desires of others. “Hence the fatal lack of empathy,” continues Tatyana Voskresenskaya. “A narcissist is capable of inflicting severe pain on a loved one without even knowing it.”

Self-conceit, arrogance, resentment and brilliant manipulative abilities are the traits by which we can recognize narcissists. But among them there are those who are more difficult to recognize: at first glance, they seem modest and even downtrodden. It is vital for them to be able to control another person.

“Pushing, for example, her husband up the career ladder, a woman increases her own importance,” explains the psychologist. “To do this, it establishes control over the other, control unconditional and not subject to objection.”

The narcissist as a spouse

The narcissist as a spouse is a real test, he is constantly concerned about how to best present himself. He avoids intimacy, emphasizes his independence, but at the same time he is a terrible envious and possessive person. Like Narcissus, the beautiful youth of myth who is in love with his own reflection, the narcissist is incapable of understanding himself and truly loving.

An indispensable condition for love, according to Sigmund Freud in his book "I and It", is the meeting of two streams: "gentle" and "sensual". The sensual flow is sexuality, while the gentle flow combines such qualities as caring, interest in another person, gratitude, the ability to listen and find compromises. Narcissists do not know how to love "gently".

“They forget important events and dates in the life of their spouse,” says Tatyana Voskresenskaya, “they are not interested in his relatives, they are in no hurry to support him in a dispute, they do not know how to adapt their needs to changes in the states of another person.” In addition, they are vindictive and vengeful. For the time being, their vindictiveness is hidden behind a facade of composure and imaginary peacefulness. However, the anger hidden in the depths of the soul breaks through in sarcastic remarks or unwillingness to do something for the sake of another.

Many psychologists believe that a relationship with a narcissist is doomed from the start. “They cause a loved one a lot of pain, destroy his self-esteem and disorient him. And it’s almost impossible to change that,” emphasizes Tatyana Voskresenskaya. Tough sentence! Maybe these are the new pariahs in our society? However, narcissism also has its reasons. And they need to be known, because this is the only way to try to understand a partner with a narcissistic personality. And understanding is an opportunity to try to get along with it.

6 qualities that will help you get in touch with a narcissistic spouse

“Living with a narcissistic person is not easy: there is a danger of falling under his influence and forgetting your own needs and interests,” warns clinical psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya. If this relationship is important to you, work on the qualities that will make it easier for you to endure unpleasant moments.

1. Benevolent: arrogance and caustic remarks are easier to bear if you remember that the narcissist developed this behavior in childhood to protect himself. It is unlikely that he imagines how it affects others.

2. Imagination: imagine the face of a lonely little boy. Try to understand how he feels, his suffering from the realization of his shortcomings and shame, abandonment and longing. He has to endure it in order to earn attention, love or approval. Perhaps this image will help to understand that the anger of an adult is only a defense of a wounded child.

3. Empathy: it is useful to show that you understand his feelings. For example, the husband is angry that he came home, and you are talking on the phone. Do not be indignant, but explain: “I see that you do not like it when I talk on the phone. Perhaps you think that I am being indifferent to you. I can understand that."

4. Frankness: It is also important to show the narcissist how their behavior affects your feelings. In the same situation, openly explain to him how you feel: “Actually, I'm glad to see you. But it's hard for me to guess when you'll be back. Besides, I confess that it hurts me when you talk to me like that. I know you don't want to hurt me, but it hurts me."

5. Respect: the narcissist tends to decide for others without discussion. If you resent and reproach him for arbitrariness, he will not hear, because control is also included in the arsenal of his defenses. If the husband has decided that the family is vacationing at the sea, it is wise to first show that you understand him ("I know how much you love the sea"). Then ask him to listen to your arguments in favor of a holiday in the mountains and offer to make decisions together next time.

6. Self-respect: attempts to build a relationship with a narcissist still have a limit. If sympathy and understanding do not work, if the shell of egocentrism is impenetrable, it's time to turn on your defense mechanisms. Don't let anything be done to you. It is helpful to set boundaries: cut off contact if it becomes unbearable, or even end the relationship.

Cause and effect

“The drama of a person with a narcissistic disorder begins with the drama of his parents,” explains psychoanalyst René Roussillon. Because of their own problems or unfulfilled needs, they either pay too much attention to the child, or neglect him, leave him alone.

Spoiled. The child is the center of the world. It depends on the mood of the parents. If the child is witty, demonstrates success, they are satisfied and he can count on their love. If not, the parents are in despair: the world is collapsing.

Such parents exploit the child to satisfy their own sense of superiority. They believe that they are worthy of admiration, because they have such a beautiful, gifted child, they proudly talk about his successes, while with the child themselves they behave detached and cold.

Dependency. Children are not given independence. Parents regulate and decide everything. Therefore, children do not know their abilities, they simply do not have a chance to understand themselves.

“Our attitude towards ourselves is based on how others have treated us, especially our mother,” explains René Roussillon. “The problem with narcissistic people is that in childhood they had to be a means to satisfy the ambitions of their mother or other loved ones, they did not feel that they were simply loved, and therefore, even for themselves, they do not exist as an independent value.”

Spoiledness, like dependence, leads to the fact that the child understands that he cannot rely on other people. The most difficult results for the individual are obtained if the praise and indifference of the parents alternate for no apparent reason. Such a child is constantly insecure, but learns to hide his fears, because he knows that he will not find understanding.

He tries to become something extraordinary so as not to disappoint his parents, and develops a life strategy that will give him independence from parental love. “I don't need you. I do not need anyone. I rely only on myself." This attitude protects the narcissist from new trauma and disappointment.

He prefers a safe distance because close relationships scare him like hot milk scares a person with burned lips. However, narcissism has long ceased to be a personal problem, the cause of which is solely in negative childhood experiences. Louder voices are heard that emphasize the role of social tendencies in the emergence of narcissistic personality traits.

Is narcissism becoming an epidemic?

Nowadays, narcissistic behavior is “almost inevitable,” says psychotherapist Heinz-Peter Rehr. “The typical narcissist, self-sufficient and without regard for anything, perfectly fits the requirements of the economy, he has excellent chances for a career.” Therefore, in modern Western society, narcissism takes on the character of an epidemic.

This "virus" is infecting more and more people, psychologist Jean M. Twinge agrees. Together with colleagues, she analyzed questionnaires of 16,275 college students in the United States over 30 years (1976–2006). They contained statements such as: “I have a natural talent for influencing people”, “People are an open book for me”, “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place”, “I would like to write my own biography”, “I am completely unique personality."

Prior to 2000, the responses did not differ in anything special, but by 2006 the choice of self-centered statements increased by 30%! The researchers made a disappointing conclusion: "narcissism is spreading in the same way as obesity."

Growth Factors

Tvinge lists four factors that contribute to the spread of narcissism in modern Western society.

1. Upbringing: parents spoil their children and protect them from criticism. Today's fathers and mothers know how important self-confidence is, however, "unfortunately, many of the things that parents think build self-esteem - like praising a child for his talents and giving him whatever he wants - often leads to narcissism. We give too much to children and demand too little of them,” says Tvinge.

2. Media: the cult of fame, money, success plays an important role in the spread of narcissism. The tabloids, movies and advertisements tell us all the time about people full of self-satisfaction. No wonder young people aspire to become famous. According to a 2006 survey of children in England about "what is the best thing in the world", the top three places were taken by "being a star", "looking good" and "being rich".

3. The Internet is an ideal breeding ground for narcissism. Social media makes communication safer by allowing you to choose those who soothe the narcissistic wound. In addition, narcissists can advertise without restraint: narcissistic behavior is relevant and in demand here. The names of social networks speak for themselves: MySpace and Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia).

4. Life on credit. Easy access to loans, according to the psychologist, develops narcissism: it becomes very easy to feel successful and wealthy. Why work hard when you can instantly shine your position and image? “Each of us has narcissistic traits,” recalls Tatyana Voskresenskaya, “and since their demonstration brings success in society, it is not surprising that many begin to develop and emphasize them.”

If your colleague is a narcissist

The French psychotherapists Francois Lelor and Christophe André in their book How to Deal with Difficult People describe the peculiarities of dealing with those whose character is unpleasant or incomprehensible to us. Here are some tips for those who meet narcissistic people in their office.

What to do:

Express approval (sincerely) whenever possible.
Explain the reactions of others.
Strictly follow the rules of courtesy.
Criticize only when absolutely necessary and be very specific when doing so.
Be discreet about your own accomplishments or privileges.

What not to do:

Don't get into opposition.
Don't let yourself be manipulated.
Decide what you're willing to give in and what you're not, and don't make any exceptions.
Don't expect a quid pro quo relationship.
If this is a boss, be sincere and restrained with him.
If this is an employee, make sure that he does not take your place.

How to change the situation?

Can the epidemic of narcissism be stopped? Perhaps the economic crisis could be a turning point, says Jean M. Tvinge. In her opinion, the opposite of narcissism is modesty, thanks to which you can return to such values as social community, and stop sticking out your own "I".

“A modest person looks at himself realistically, can assess his strengths and weaknesses, and is interested in others. As for each person individually, it is important to realize that by moderating our own ambitions, we can live better and happier, ”Heinz-Peter Rer supports this point of view. This is not an easy process, because "you will have to revive the painful childhood experience that once forced a person to withdraw into the world of narcissism. "

Unfortunately, “narcissists usually don't seek help to break down the impenetrable emotional wall around them,” notes Tatyana Voskresenskaya. Still, she thinks that spouses, friends, and colleagues can make some changes for the better and maintain their own peace of mind if they manage to treat the narcissist "kindly and sympathetically."

In order not to see him as a monster, it is important to understand that behind an arrogant or self-deprecating adult lies a vulnerable, lonely child who once stopped believing in other people. All his life he struggles to win the recognition of others, and at the same time he himself voluntarily and involuntarily repels those who were ready to give him. He creates a beautiful reflection, but is unable to make himself fall in love.

Infernal web. How to Survive in a World of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss0041

Psychoanalyst Sandy Hotchkis analyzes the family origins of narcissism.

Such an understanding will help those who live near a narcissist or have discovered narcissistic traits to get rid of their inner dependence

Text: Irina Grats Photo source: Getty Images

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Why do we fear intimacy and refuse to show our feelings? What's stopping you from trying to build a truly trusting relationship? How is narcissism formed and why does it entail indifference to the feelings of others? And what to do if your partner or you yourself find yourself in a state of emotional unavailability? We deal with the practicing psychotherapist Larisa Pisarenko.

The concept of emotional unavailability is usually applied to those who stubbornly build a wall between themselves and others in an attempt to avoid emotional intimacy. Any relationship with such people usually does not bring anything but pain and mental exhaustion. Despite the fact that the phenomenon of emotional unavailability is practically not talked about, it is one of the most common causes of divorce.

It is not difficult to understand that you have an emotionally unavailable person in front of you. Usually such people get in touch at a convenient time for them, easily forget about their promises to write, call or meet, do not ask you about the details of your life, do not like to talk about themselves. Months after talking with such a person, you may be surprised to find that you don’t know anything about him at all.

Such people diligently avoid any conversation about feelings, no matter their own or yours. At the same time, in situations not related to the interpersonal sphere, they can be very active and emotionally interested. They are happy to immerse themselves in conversations about politics and social trends, talk about history and environmental issues, and sometimes even become ardent activists, for example, they protect animals or are interested in the living conditions of refugees.

Unlike hikikomori, people with schizoid organization, autism or schizophrenia, such individuals do not seek social isolation: they successfully build a career, lead an active life in social networks and often give the impression of open and sociable people. But at the same time, their inner world remains closed. They are annoyed and frightened when someone tries to talk to them about their experiences or communicate their own. Usually such conversations end with the flight of emotionally unavailable people into their usual comfort zone.

It is important to understand that emotional inaccessibility is not a disease, but a condition consciously or subconsciously chosen by a person. Psychologists note that it can be both permanent and temporary. Constant coldness usually refers to people who have experienced early trauma. For example, a child who has witnessed an unhappy marriage of his parents may subconsciously decide that emotional intimacy is dangerous and only painful, and avoid close relationships in the future.

Psychologists believe that most often these qualities are related to the narcissistic personality type. Psychotherapist Larisa Pisarenko notes:

“The described manifestations evoke the idea of a narcissistic organization of the personality. It is formed when a small person is confronted with reality too early with messages like “come on, do it yourself.” The resource of such a child has not yet developed enough to independently solve the problems that his close environment sets before him. Assistants and defenders on the horizon are not found. And they manage. And they did it. And they can handle everything. But they paid for it with inner emptiness. They survived through a deep lock-in of difficult and complex feelings (after all, when there is little strength, but you have to cope, you simply don’t have the strength to feel, all the energy is spent on coping with the situation).

These are people of action, action. Words of sympathy will not be said and help will not be asked. If they are asked: “Why didn’t you tell, didn’t share what is happening to you,” they can be sincerely surprised: “Why do you need it.” Early on they received the message that their predicament was unimportant. We learned early that spiritual intimacy, support are concepts that have nothing to do with them personally. ”

Another reason for the constant coldness may be the "social program" of this or that society, in which it is simply not customary to openly express one's feelings.

Temporary blocking of emotions also occurs after traumatic events - a divorce, a difficult break in a relationship, a betrayal of a friend. The more such experience in the life of an individual, the more likely it is that one day he will close his inner world from others.

Psychotherapist explains:

“Narcissistic trauma, in fact, inevitably leads to emotional unavailability. The narcissistic edge can also come to the fore during life, if circumstances associated with betrayal, trauma of trust contribute to this. When a person seems to internally decide: “I won’t give in anymore. I myself,” and slams the doors to his world consciously, paying with loneliness and formality for the absence of new pain.”

Interestingly, emotionally unavailable people build their comfort zone step by step and feel quite good in it. Outwardly, this can manifest itself in an obsessive desire for absolute independence, the desire to live alone, work for yourself, keep everything under control. All this allows you to avoid interpersonal relationships - an area that requires openness, trust and the need to make compromises.

Deepening

- Tragedy of the Narcissist: Compilation

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Problems arise when they still try to enter into friendships or even love relationships. The total emotional closeness of such a person can turn into a deep depression for his partner. Those who are close to him, as a rule, feel abandoned, unnecessary, used. At the same time, an emotionally closed person can claim that he loves and appreciates, but does not openly demonstrate his interest and continue to live by his own rules. Usually such relationships end with the patience of the second partner. Interestingly, after his departure, a person with a narcissistic personality organization may sincerely not understand where he made a mistake.

According to psychotherapist Larisa Pisarenko, behind emotional closeness there is a fear of vulnerability and problems with trust:

“The drama of the narcissist is that it is cold inside. Empty and cold in this castle he created. And lonely. Intimacy causes fear of falling into a trap. You have to pay for everything. The narcissist cannot accept that he can be loved just like that. He was loved from childhood for something.

Narcissistic damage ranges from some sharpened personality traits to clinical narcissism, where the person is incapable of long-term close relationships and changes environment easily. To, firstly, “not to pay, not to be indebted to anyone” and, secondly, “suddenly, there, around the corner, it’s better” - the best partner, better relationships, work and others like him. And formal communication is a defense for the narcissist. It's safer that way."

At some point, emotionally unavailable people get scared. On the one hand, in their life “everything is under control”, everything happens approximately according to their scenario. But sometimes they feel total loneliness, and do not know what to do with it. After all, letting someone into your life means taking a risk and resigning yourself to the fact that for the first time in a long time something can go wrong, because the personality of another cannot be programmed the way we want.

“Narcissists come for changes when they begin to understand that other people live somehow easier, happier, warmer. Often the narcissist's longing for such a safe and accessible reality of intimacy leads him to see a therapist. A narcissist worked out in therapy is great! While retaining the ability to accomplish and actively implement his goals, at the same time he begins to “let go” of himself in terms of assessments for these achievements, begins to stop in a continuous run through life, allow himself to feel joy, sadness, the whole rainbow of emotions that happens in the soul . It ceases to evaluate and devalue oneself and others, ”the specialist reports.

But if there is no awareness of the reasons for one's actions and attempts to change are still far away, then it is very difficult to be close to an emotionally blocked person. The union of two narcissists will most likely not be constructive either: partners will prefer to compete with each other instead of supporting and feeling.

Larisa Pisarenko remarks:

“You can build relationships with such people if you don't wait for them to melt away. If the level of protection is strong, and the willingness to trust is low, then this may not happen.

At the same time, according to the expert, one of the keys to the narcissist's desire to change may be a strong feeling for another. However, you need to understand that the likelihood of such a scenario is low, and most partners of emotionally blocked people need to accept the fact that if, no matter what, they are going to save the relationship, they will have to sacrifice their need for warmth, as obsessive attempts to change the narcissist from the outside lead only to its distance.

Read also Attachment theory: how early relationships with parents affect our lives

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