Helping a friend with depression

Helping Someone with Depression

Do you have a friend who’s living with depression? You’re not alone.

According to the most recent estimates from the National Institute of Mental Health, just over 7 percent of all U.S. adults experienced an episode of major depression in 2019. The World Health Organization says, just under 300 million adults and children live with depression.

Not everyone experiences depression in the same way, and symptoms can vary.

If your friend is experiencing depression, they may:

seem more sad or tearful than usual
appear more pessimistic than usual or hopeless about the future
talk about feeling guilty, empty, or worthless more often than usual
seem less interested in spending time together or communicate less frequently than they normally would

get upset easily or seem unusually irritable
have less energy than usual, move slowly, or seem generally listless
have less interest in their appearance than usual or neglect basic hygiene, such as showering and brushing their teeth
have trouble sleeping or sleep much more than usual
care less about their usual activities and interests
experience forgetfulness more often or have trouble concentrating or deciding on things
eat more or less than usual
talk about death or suicide

These 10 tips can help you be a source of support for a friend with depression.

1. Start a conversation

Let your friend know you’re there for them. You can start the conversation by sharing your concerns and asking a specific question.

For example, you might say:

“It seems like you’ve been having a hard time lately. What’s on your mind?”
“The last few times we hung out, you seemed a little down. Is there anything going on you that you’d like to talk about?”
“You mentioned going through some hard times recently — how are you feeling about everything?”

Keep in mind that your friend may want to talk about what they feel, but they might not want advice.

Engage with your friend by using active listening techniques:

Ask questions to get more information instead of assuming you understand what they mean.
Validate their feelings. You might say, “That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Show empathy and interest with your body language.

Your friend may not feel like talking the first time you ask, so it can help to continue telling them you care.

Keep asking open questions (without being pushy) and expressing your concern. Try to have conversations in person whenever possible. If you live in different areas, try video chatting.

2. Help them find support

Your friend may not be aware they’re dealing with depression, or they may be unsure how to reach out for support.

Even if they know therapy could help, it can be daunting to search for a therapist and make an appointment.

If your friend seems interested in counseling, offer to help them review potential therapists. You can help your friend list things to ask potential therapists and things they want to mention in their first session.

Encouraging them and supporting them to make that first appointment can be so helpful if they’re having a hard time with it.

3. Support them in continuing therapy

On a bad day, your friend might not feel like leaving the house. Depression can zap energy and increase the desire to self-isolate.

If they say something like, “I think I’m going to cancel my therapy appointment,” encourage them to stick with it.

You might say, “Last week you said your session was really productive and you felt a lot better afterward. What if today’s session helps, too?”

The same goes for medication. If your friend wants to stop taking medication because of unpleasant side effects, be supportive, but encourage them to talk with their psychiatrist about switching to a different antidepressant or stopping their medication entirely.

Abruptly stopping antidepressants without the supervision of a healthcare professional may have serious consequences. Typically, reaching out to a healthcare professional before stopping medication use can prevent health complications.

4. Take care of yourself

When you care about someone who’s living with depression, it’s tempting to drop everything to be by their side and support them. It’s not wrong to want to help a friend, but it’s also important to take care of your own needs.

If you put all your energy into supporting your friend, you’ll have very little left for yourself. And if you’re feeling burned out or frustrated, you won’t be much help to your friend.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries can help. For example, you might let your friend know you’re available to talk after you get home from work, but not before then.

If you’re concerned about them feeling like they can’t reach you, offer to help them come up with a contingency plan if they need you during your work day. This might involve finding a hotline they can call or coming up with a code word they can text you if they’re in a crisis.

You might offer to stop by every other day or bring a meal twice a week, instead of trying to help every day. Involving other friends can help create a bigger support network.

Practice self-care

Spending a lot of time with a loved one who has depression can take an emotional toll. Know your limits around difficult emotions, and make sure you take time to recharge.

If you need to let your friend know you won’t be available for a while, you might say something like, “I can’t talk until X time. Can I check in with you then?”

5. Learn about depression on your own

Imagine having to educate each person in your life about a mental or physical health condition you’re experiencing — explaining it over and over again. Sounds exhausting, right?

You can talk with your friend about their specific symptoms or how they’re feeling, but avoid asking them to tell you about depression in general terms.

Read up on the symptoms, causes, diagnostic criteria, and treatments on your own.

While people experience depression differently, being familiar with the general symptoms and terminology can help you have more in-depth conversations with your friend.

These articles are a good starting point:

Depression: Facts, Statistics, and You
Types of Depression and How to Recognize Them
Causes of Depression
What It’s Really Like Going Through a Deep, Dark Depression

6. Offer to help with everyday tasks

With depression, day-to-day tasks can feel overwhelming. Things like laundry, grocery shopping, or paying bills can begin to pile up, making it hard to know where to start.

Your friend may appreciate an offer of help, but they also might not be able to clearly say what they need help with.

So, instead of saying “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” consider saying, “What do you most need help with today?”

If you notice their refrigerator is empty, say “Can I take you grocery shopping, or pick up what you need if you write me a list?” or “Let’s go get some groceries and cook dinner together.”

If your friend is behind on dishes, laundry, or other household chores, offer to come over, put some music on, and tackle a specific task together. Simply having company can make the work seem less daunting.

7. Extend loose invitations

People living with depression may have a hard time reaching out to friends and making or keeping plans. But canceling plans can contribute to guilt.

A pattern of canceled plans may lead to fewer invitations, which can increase isolation. These feelings can worsen depression.

You can help reassure your friend by continuing to extend invitations to activities, even if you know they’re unlikely to accept. Tell them you understand they may not keep plans when they’re in a rough patch and that there’s no pressure to hang out until they’re ready.

Just remind them you’re happy to see them whenever they feel like it.

8. Be patient

Depression usually improves with treatment, but it can be a slow process that involves some trial and error. They may have to try a few different counseling approaches or medications before they find one that helps their symptoms.

Even successful treatment doesn’t always mean depression goes away entirely. Your friend may continue to have symptoms from time to time.

In the meantime, they’ll probably have some good days and some bad days. Avoid assuming a good day means they’re “cured,” and try not to get frustrated if a string of bad days makes it seem like your friend will never improve.

Depression doesn’t have a clear recovery timeline. Expecting your friend to return to their usual self after a few weeks in therapy won’t help either of you.

9. Stay in touch

Letting your friend know you still care about them as they continue to work through depression can help.

Even if you aren’t able to spend a lot of time with them on a regular basis, check in regularly with a text, phone call, or quick visit. Even sending a quick text saying “I’ve been thinking of you and I care about you” can help.

People living with depression may become more withdrawn and avoid reaching out, so you may find yourself doing more work to maintain the friendship. But continuing to be a positive, supportive presence in your friend’s life may make all the difference to them, even if they can’t express that to you at the moment.

10. Know the different forms depression can take

Depression often involves sadness or a low mood, but it also has other, less well-known symptoms.

For example, many people don’t realize depression can involve:

anger and irritability
confusion, difficulties with memory, or difficulty focusing
excessive fatigue or sleep concerns
physical symptoms such as stomach distress, frequent headaches, or back and other muscle pain

Your friend may often seem to be in a bad mood, or feel exhausted a lot of the time. Try to keep in mind that what they’re feeling is still part of depression, even if it doesn’t fit into the stereotypical versions of depression.

Even if you don’t know how to help them feel better, simply saying “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m here to help if there’s anything I can do” may help.

1. Taking things personally

Your friend’s depression isn’t your fault, just as it’s not their fault.

Try not to let it get to you if they seem to lash out at you in anger or frustration, keep canceling plans (or forget to follow up), or don’t want to do much of anything.

You might, at some point, need a break from your friend. It’s OK to take space for yourself if you feel emotionally drained, but it’s also important to avoid blaming your friend or saying things that might contribute to their negative feelings.

Instead, consider talking with a therapist or other supportive person about how you feel.

2. Trying to fix them

Depression is a serious mental health condition that requires professional treatment.

It can be hard to understand exactly what depression feels like if you’ve never experienced it. But it isn’t something that can be cured with a few well-intentioned phrases like, “You should be grateful for the good things in your life” or “Just stop thinking about sad things.”

If you wouldn’t say something to someone living with a physical condition, like diabetes or cancer, you probably shouldn’t say it to your friend with depression.

You can encourage positivity (though your friend may not respond) by reminding them of things you like about them — especially when it seems like they only have negative things to say.

Positive support can let your friend know they do really matter to you.

3. Giving advice

Though certain lifestyle changes often help improve symptoms of depression, it can be hard to make these changes in the midst of a depressive episode.

You might want to help by offering advice, like getting more exercise or eating a balanced diet. But even if it’s good advice, your friend may not want to hear it at the moment.

There may come a time when your friend wants to find out what foods may help with depression or how exercise can relieve symptoms. Until then, though, it may be best to stick to empathic listening and avoid offering advice until asked.

Encourage positive change by inviting them on a walk or cooking a nutritious meal together.

4. Minimizing or comparing their experience

If your friend talks about their depression, you might want to say things like, “I understand,” or “We’ve all been there.” But if you’ve never dealt with depression yourself, this can minimize their feelings.

Depression goes beyond simply feeling sad or low. Sadness usually passes fairly quickly, while depression can linger and affect mood, relationships, work, school, and all other aspects of life for months or even years.

Comparing what they’re going through to someone else’s troubles or saying things like, “But things could be so much worse,” generally doesn’t help.

Your friend’s pain is what’s real to them right now — and validating that pain is what may help them most.

Say something like, “I can’t imagine how hard that is to deal with. I know I can’t make you feel better, but just remember you aren’t alone.”

5. Taking a stance on medication

Medication can be very helpful for depression, but it doesn’t work well for everyone.

Some people dislike its side effects and prefer to treat depression with therapy or natural remedies. Even if you think your friend should take an antidepressant, remember that choosing to take medication is a personal decision.

Likewise, if you personally don’t believe in medication, avoid the subject when talking with them. For some people, medication is key in getting them to a place where they can fully engage in therapy and start taking steps toward recovery.

At the end of the day, whether or not someone with depression takes medication is a very personal decision that’s generally best left to them and their healthcare professional.

Depression can increase a person’s risk of suicide or self-injury, so it’s helpful to know how to recognize the signs.

Some signs that might indicate your friend is having serious suicidal thoughts include:

frequent mood or personality changes
talking about death or dying
purchasing a weapon
increased substance use
risky or dangerous behavior
getting rid of belongings or giving away treasured possessions
talking about feeling trapped or wanting a way out
pushing people away or saying they want to be left alone
saying goodbye with more feeling than usual

If you think your friend is considering suicide, urge them to call their therapist while you’re with them or ask your friend if you can call for them.

Crisis support
They can also text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Not in the United States? The International Association for Suicide Prevention can link you to hotlines and other resources in your country.

You can also take your friend to an emergency room. If possible, stay with your friend until they no longer feel suicidal. Make sure they can’t access any weapons or drugs.

If you’re concerned about your friend, you might worry that mentioning it to them could encourage suicidal thoughts. But it’s generally helpful to talk about it.

Ask your friend if they’ve seriously considered suicide. They may want to talk with someone about it but are unsure of how to bring up the difficult topic.

Encourage them to talk with their therapist about those thoughts, if they haven’t already. Offer to help them create a safety plan to use if they think they might act on those thoughts.

Helping Someone with Depression

Do you have a friend who’s living with depression? You’re not alone.

Not everyone experiences depression in the same way, and symptoms can vary.

If your friend is experiencing depression, they may:

seem more sad or tearful than usual
appear more pessimistic than usual or hopeless about the future
talk about feeling guilty, empty, or worthless more often than usual
seem less interested in spending time together or communicate less frequently than they normally would
get upset easily or seem unusually irritable
have less energy than usual, move slowly, or seem generally listless
have less interest in their appearance than usual or neglect basic hygiene, such as showering and brushing their teeth
have trouble sleeping or sleep much more than usual
care less about their usual activities and interests
experience forgetfulness more often or have trouble concentrating or deciding on things
eat more or less than usual
talk about death or suicide

These 10 tips can help you be a source of support for a friend with depression.

1. Start a conversation

Let your friend know you’re there for them. You can start the conversation by sharing your concerns and asking a specific question.

For example, you might say:

“It seems like you’ve been having a hard time lately. What’s on your mind?”
“The last few times we hung out, you seemed a little down. Is there anything going on you that you’d like to talk about?”
“You mentioned going through some hard times recently — how are you feeling about everything?”

Keep in mind that your friend may want to talk about what they feel, but they might not want advice.

Engage with your friend by using active listening techniques:

Ask questions to get more information instead of assuming you understand what they mean.
Validate their feelings. You might say, “That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Show empathy and interest with your body language.

Your friend may not feel like talking the first time you ask, so it can help to continue telling them you care.

Keep asking open questions (without being pushy) and expressing your concern. Try to have conversations in person whenever possible. If you live in different areas, try video chatting.

2. Help them find support

Your friend may not be aware they’re dealing with depression, or they may be unsure how to reach out for support.

Even if they know therapy could help, it can be daunting to search for a therapist and make an appointment.

Encouraging them and supporting them to make that first appointment can be so helpful if they’re having a hard time with it.

3. Support them in continuing therapy

On a bad day, your friend might not feel like leaving the house. Depression can zap energy and increase the desire to self-isolate.

If they say something like, “I think I’m going to cancel my therapy appointment,” encourage them to stick with it.

You might say, “Last week you said your session was really productive and you felt a lot better afterward. What if today’s session helps, too?”

4. Take care of yourself

If you put all your energy into supporting your friend, you’ll have very little left for yourself. And if you’re feeling burned out or frustrated, you won’t be much help to your friend.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries can help. For example, you might let your friend know you’re available to talk after you get home from work, but not before then.

You might offer to stop by every other day or bring a meal twice a week, instead of trying to help every day. Involving other friends can help create a bigger support network.

Practice self-care

Spending a lot of time with a loved one who has depression can take an emotional toll. Know your limits around difficult emotions, and make sure you take time to recharge.

If you need to let your friend know you won’t be available for a while, you might say something like, “I can’t talk until X time. Can I check in with you then?”

5. Learn about depression on your own

Imagine having to educate each person in your life about a mental or physical health condition you’re experiencing — explaining it over and over again. Sounds exhausting, right?

You can talk with your friend about their specific symptoms or how they’re feeling, but avoid asking them to tell you about depression in general terms.

Read up on the symptoms, causes, diagnostic criteria, and treatments on your own.

While people experience depression differently, being familiar with the general symptoms and terminology can help you have more in-depth conversations with your friend.

These articles are a good starting point:

Depression: Facts, Statistics, and You
Types of Depression and How to Recognize Them
Causes of Depression
What It’s Really Like Going Through a Deep, Dark Depression

6. Offer to help with everyday tasks

With depression, day-to-day tasks can feel overwhelming. Things like laundry, grocery shopping, or paying bills can begin to pile up, making it hard to know where to start.

Your friend may appreciate an offer of help, but they also might not be able to clearly say what they need help with.

So, instead of saying “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” consider saying, “What do you most need help with today?”

If you notice their refrigerator is empty, say “Can I take you grocery shopping, or pick up what you need if you write me a list?” or “Let’s go get some groceries and cook dinner together.”

7. Extend loose invitations

People living with depression may have a hard time reaching out to friends and making or keeping plans. But canceling plans can contribute to guilt.

A pattern of canceled plans may lead to fewer invitations, which can increase isolation. These feelings can worsen depression.

Just remind them you’re happy to see them whenever they feel like it.

8. Be patient

Even successful treatment doesn’t always mean depression goes away entirely. Your friend may continue to have symptoms from time to time.

Depression doesn’t have a clear recovery timeline. Expecting your friend to return to their usual self after a few weeks in therapy won’t help either of you.

9. Stay in touch

Letting your friend know you still care about them as they continue to work through depression can help.

10. Know the different forms depression can take

Depression often involves sadness or a low mood, but it also has other, less well-known symptoms.

For example, many people don’t realize depression can involve:

anger and irritability
confusion, difficulties with memory, or difficulty focusing
excessive fatigue or sleep concerns
physical symptoms such as stomach distress, frequent headaches, or back and other muscle pain

Even if you don’t know how to help them feel better, simply saying “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m here to help if there’s anything I can do” may help.

1. Taking things personally

Your friend’s depression isn’t your fault, just as it’s not their fault.

Try not to let it get to you if they seem to lash out at you in anger or frustration, keep canceling plans (or forget to follow up), or don’t want to do much of anything.

Instead, consider talking with a therapist or other supportive person about how you feel.

2. Trying to fix them

Depression is a serious mental health condition that requires professional treatment.

If you wouldn’t say something to someone living with a physical condition, like diabetes or cancer, you probably shouldn’t say it to your friend with depression.

You can encourage positivity (though your friend may not respond) by reminding them of things you like about them — especially when it seems like they only have negative things to say.

Positive support can let your friend know they do really matter to you.

3. Giving advice

Though certain lifestyle changes often help improve symptoms of depression, it can be hard to make these changes in the midst of a depressive episode.

You might want to help by offering advice, like getting more exercise or eating a balanced diet. But even if it’s good advice, your friend may not want to hear it at the moment.

Encourage positive change by inviting them on a walk or cooking a nutritious meal together.

4. Minimizing or comparing their experience

Comparing what they’re going through to someone else’s troubles or saying things like, “But things could be so much worse,” generally doesn’t help.

Your friend’s pain is what’s real to them right now — and validating that pain is what may help them most.

Say something like, “I can’t imagine how hard that is to deal with. I know I can’t make you feel better, but just remember you aren’t alone.”

5. Taking a stance on medication

Medication can be very helpful for depression, but it doesn’t work well for everyone.

At the end of the day, whether or not someone with depression takes medication is a very personal decision that’s generally best left to them and their healthcare professional.

Depression can increase a person’s risk of suicide or self-injury, so it’s helpful to know how to recognize the signs.

Some signs that might indicate your friend is having serious suicidal thoughts include:

frequent mood or personality changes
talking about death or dying
purchasing a weapon
increased substance use
risky or dangerous behavior
getting rid of belongings or giving away treasured possessions
talking about feeling trapped or wanting a way out
pushing people away or saying they want to be left alone
saying goodbye with more feeling than usual

If you think your friend is considering suicide, urge them to call their therapist while you’re with them or ask your friend if you can call for them.

Crisis support
They can also text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Not in the United States? The International Association for Suicide Prevention can link you to hotlines and other resources in your country.

You can also take your friend to an emergency room. If possible, stay with your friend until they no longer feel suicidal. Make sure they can’t access any weapons or drugs.

If you’re concerned about your friend, you might worry that mentioning it to them could encourage suicidal thoughts. But it’s generally helpful to talk about it.

Ask your friend if they’ve seriously considered suicide. They may want to talk with someone about it but are unsure of how to bring up the difficult topic.

Encourage them to talk with their therapist about those thoughts, if they haven’t already. Offer to help them create a safety plan to use if they think they might act on those thoughts.

How to Help a Depressed Person - Such Things

Every week, Such Things answer questions from readers. Today we will talk about depression, or rather, how to be a good friend for a person who finds himself in this state.

***

Approximately one in four has experienced depression at least once in their life. Although sometimes we, wringing our hands, call depression just an attack of bad mood. It is necessary to distinguish between blues, a mild depressive state (minor depression, subdepression) and a real clinical depression, which can drag on for several months.

Clinical depression is characterized by three main symptoms:

Bad mood. But not the kind that usually happens after a hard day or week. With depression, a person loses the ability to rejoice, does not enjoy the usual things - food, communication with friends, sex, music, films. This condition is called anhedonia.
Violation of thinking. It is difficult for a depressed person to think, it seems that thoughts are “like jelly”. Work is slower.
Motor retardation. Depression is always accompanied by a constant feeling of fatigue. Forcing yourself to go somewhere in this state is extremely difficult.

If these symptoms are observed for more than a month, then this is a reason to see a doctor, but you can cope with mild depression on your own, with the help of relatives and psychotherapy. But relatives should remember a few simple rules - what to do, and what should never be said. That's what psychologists recommend.

Let the person experience this state

Let's say your loved one experienced a failure, his expectations were not fulfilled, his plans were not realized. He is very upset, he is not happy with what he usually loves. Don't rush him. Say phrases: “Yes, stop thinking about it!” or “We need to move forward!” - it is forbidden. The state of sadness is not so bad for a person. Sadness allows you to relax a little after the race that was before, to come to your senses, to rethink, so that after that you can smoothly get out of this state.

Be honest

“Yes, you failed to achieve the goal, but let's take a break and try again if you want, no - then try yourself in something else.”

Do not discount failure

Phrases: “Forget it”, “Stop it”, “Your failures mean nothing” will only make things worse. A person can and should learn from his failures a lesson. It just takes time.

Recognize the importance of this situation

“Yes, you tried, it didn't work, but it's important that you did it! The feelings you are experiencing right now are very important. Sadness, loss of strength - all this is natural, but I am there and will help you.

Be careful with jokes

Do not joke rudely, scoff, ironically over the situation. Of course, it’s hard when a person close to you is in a bad mood, you want him to smile, and not go gloomy. It may seem that if you joke and make fun of the situation, then he will immediately cheer up and everything will immediately go smoothly. But it will most likely only get worse. Any rude intrusion, criticism will prevent you from getting out of a depressive state.

Do not force

It is strictly forbidden to forcefully drag a person to parties and walks in a depressed state. The mistake is that when we see a depressed person, we want to give him the energy of life. We say: "Look how great it all is!" But a person is simply not physically able to appreciate it. When he sees how people enjoy life, this only worsens his condition, he begins to wonder: "Why can't I do that?"

No aggression

Seeing that a person closes even more, in no case should one speak aggressively: “Why are you still in anguish?”, “Why are you sitting and being sad?”, “Pull yourself together, rag!” Such phrases are forbidden even as a joke.

Be patient

Do not do anything excessive, be more restrained and calm. But if the condition of a person close to you does not improve within a month, this is a reason to contact a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. Perhaps we are talking about clinical depression, which must be treated with medication.

Help get rid of the fear of specialists

Many patients with clinical depression are afraid to go to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. They think: “What if this is something worse than just depression, what if I’m going crazy” or “I can handle it myself”. Close people at this point should gently and carefully explain: “You know, it seems to be depression, and I read that it is completely cured. We will find a way out. Let's go to the specialist together. It seems to me that this will help you get out of this state.

Stay close

Stay close or nearby so your friend always knows that if they need help they will have someone to turn to.

Do you want us to send you the best texts of "Such cases" to your e-mail? Subscribe to our weekly newsletter!

How to help a person with depression

Among relatives and friends of any person, people suffering from depression can meet. The help and support that a healthy person can provide to another person tormented by a depressive disorder is invaluable; the main thing is to do it as efficiently as possible and at the same time avoid common mistakes.

Contents

10 tips for helping a loved one with depression
What not to do
When intervention is needed
Crisis support

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than 300,000,000 adults and children worldwide are living with depression worldwide. But not everyone experiences depression in the same way, and symptoms can vary from person to person.

If your friend or relative has a true depressive disorder, they may have specific symptoms, such as:

the person becomes sad, he tends to cry;
people with depression seem to be more pessimistic than usual, or who have lost all hope about the future;
the patient often begins to talk about his feelings of guilt, spiritual emptiness or his own worthlessness;
people with depression lose interest in communicating with others, begin to seek loneliness;
such patients are easily distressed or become extremely irritable;
their general tone decreases, patients move slowly or seem to be generally limp;
they lose interest in their appearance or neglect basic hygiene, such as regular showering and brushing their teeth;
patients care much less about their usual activities and interests;
they become forgetful, have trouble concentrating or problem solving;
depressed patients often eat more or less than usual;
often talk about death or suicide.

Below are 10 tips for helping a loved one with depression, as well as a few tips on what to avoid when dealing with someone with depression.

1. The importance of listening to others

Tell a friend or loved one that you would like to help him or her in some way. You can start a conversation by sharing your own concerns and asking a specific question. For example: “You seem to be having a hard time lately. What happened that worries you? Keep in mind that your friend may really want to talk about how he feels, but at the same time, he may not want advice from others. A simple tactic of talking with the patient will help to better understand his condition, his mental problems:

Ask questions to get more information, instead of "thinking out" what the patient's messages mean.
Make it clear to the interlocutor that you are dealing with his problems. You might say, “It really does sound like you have a problem. I'm sorry to hear this".
Show empathy and concern with your body language, that is, with appropriate movements and gestures. Your friend may not feel like being open about their problems right away, so it's worth continuing to talk to them about your concerns and desire to help from time to time. Keep asking open-ended questions (without being too pushy) and express your concerns. Try to keep conversations exclusively in private, tête-à-tête, whenever possible. If you live in different regions, try video chatting.

2. Help the person find qualified support

Your friend or relative may not know they are dealing with depression or may not be sure where or how to seek help. Even if he understands that therapy can help him solve problems, he may hesitate to start looking for a doctor and visit him for a long time. If your friend is interested in counseling, offer to help them find potential therapists. You can help your friends or loved ones make a list of questions to discuss with the doctor and identify the most pressing issues that they should definitely remember during the first visit. Encouraging and supporting the patient in finding a doctor and scheduling a date/time visit to his office is of great importance for the success of the treatment, especially when the patient does not dare to do it on his own.

3. About supporting the patient during the course of therapy

On a particularly difficult day, your friend may not even feel like leaving the house. Depression can drain energy and increase the desire to self-isolate. If a friend or loved one starts saying things like, "I don't think I'll be going to psychotherapy anymore," start encouraging them to keep going.

You might say, “Last week you said that the treatment session was really productive, and after that you felt much better. What if today's session also significantly improves your condition?

The same applies to drugs. If your friend wants to stop taking medication because of unpleasant side effects, encourage him not to break his prescribed medication regimen, but at the same time start encouraging him to talk to his psychiatrist about switching to another antidepressant or stopping the drugs completely. Abruptly stopping antidepressants without permission/supervision from a healthcare professional can have serious consequences.

4. Don't forget to take care of yourself

When you're caring for someone living with depression, it's tempting to drop everything to be close to the depressed person and provide them with all kinds of support. If you want to help a friend, it's a noble gesture, but it's also important to take care of your own needs. If you begin to give all your energy to support a friend or loved one, you will have very little self-care left. And if later you start to feel "burnt out" or exhausted, this will not help your friend much.

Benefits of setting boundaries in communication

Setting boundaries can help you maintain your strength. For example, you can tell your friend that you can talk to him when you get home from work, but not before. If you're worried that a loved one or friend will worry about not being able to contact you, offer to help them come up with a contingency plan should they need to communicate with you during the work day. This may include looking up a hotline number they can call or a code word they can send you in a text message if they have a moment of crisis. You can suggest to the patient that you will visit him every other day or have lunch or dinner with him twice a week, instead of trying to help daily. Inviting other friends can help build a great support network.

Take care of your own emotions

Spending a lot of time with a loved one who is depressed can cause emotional loss. Determine your limits on experiencing difficult emotions and make sure you have the time and opportunity to regenerate your soul. If you need to let your friend know that you will be unavailable for a short period of time, you can say something like, “I can't talk on the phone at certain times. But then I will definitely call you.

5. Raise your own awareness of depression

Imagine having to educate every person in your life about your mental or physical health problems - explaining it over and over again. It would become too exhausting for you. You can talk to your friend about his specific symptoms or how he is feeling, but avoid asking him to tell you about depression in general. Read on your own about depression symptoms, causes, diagnostic criteria, and treatments.

Although people experience depression differently, becoming familiar with common symptoms and terminology can help you have deeper conversations with your friend.

6. Offer help with daily living

Depression can make daily tasks seem overwhelming. Really simple things like doing laundry, grocery shopping, or paying bills can get left undone and start to pile up, and it ends up making it really, really hard to decide where to start. Your friend may appreciate the offer of help, but at the same time, it is also possible that he will not be able to clearly say what exactly he needs help with. So instead of telling the patient, "Let me know if I can do something," you should ask him, "What exactly do you need help with most today?" If you notice his fridge is empty, say, "Can we go shopping together, or will I buy what you need if you write me a list?" A perfectly acceptable option is: "Let's go grocery shopping and cook dinner together. "

If your friend has stopped washing the dishes, if they have a lot of dirty laundry or other unfinished household chores, call them, turn on the music and do the work together. Your presence and assistance will make it easier for him to do the job and it will not be given to him by an impossible task.

7. Inviting guests can improve the mood of the patient

People living with depression may find it difficult to maintain relationships with friends and make plans for the future or stick to them. But canceling plans can contribute to the feelings of guilt that are common in those who suffer from depression. Refusal of invitations can lead to a decrease in their number, and this can increase the patient's self-isolation. This in turn can worsen the symptoms of depression. You can help put your friend at ease by continuing to send out invitations to visit, even if you know for sure that he's unlikely to have to. Tell him that you understand that he may not follow through when he is especially depressed and there is no pressure on your part for him to come over until he is in the mood to do so. Just remind a friend or relative that you are always happy to see them whenever they feel like it.

8. Be patient

Depression usually improves with treatment, but it can be a slow process that usually involves trial and error. Your friend and doctor may need to try several different approaches to counseling or medication before they find the best option. Even successful treatment does not always mean that depression is completely gone. Your friend may still have symptoms from time to time. Because of this, he will have good days and bad days - that is, days with a more or less normal or depressed mood. Avoid assuming that a good day means the friend is "completely cured" and try not to get frustrated if a series of bad days gives the impression that your friend's condition will never get better. Depression has no clear recovery timeline. Expecting your friend to return to their normal self after a few weeks of therapy is not a realistic approach to this illness.

9.

Stay in touch

Reminding your friend that you care about them can help improve outcomes. Even if you can't spend a lot of time with your friend on a regular basis, keep in touch with them regularly via text, phone, or short visits to their home. Just by sending a short text with the message: “I think of you and care about you”, you can significantly improve your mood. People who live with depression may become more withdrawn and avoid socializing, so you may find that the situation requires you to make more efforts to maintain friendships. But the fact that you continue to be present in your friend's life as a positive character can go a long way towards improving his condition. Remind yourself regularly to your friend during his treatment for depression.

10. Depression can come in many forms

Depression often involves sadness or low mood, but it has other, less well-known symptoms. For example, many people do not realize that depression can have the following manifestations:

temper tantrums and irritability;
confusion, problems with memory or concentration;
excessive fatigue or trouble sleeping;
physical symptoms such as indigestion, frequent headaches, or pain in the back and other muscles.

Your friend may often be in a bad mood or feel exhausted for a long time. Try to understand that what he is feeling is still part of the depression, even if the symptoms do not fit into the stereotypical manifestations of this illness. Even if you don't know how to help your friend feel better, just tell them, “I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I'm here to help you if there's anything I can do" and maybe that will help.

What not to do

1. Don't take things too personally

Your friend's depression is not your fault, nor is it his fault. Try not to let it affect you if he seems to lash out at you in anger or frustration, keeps canceling plans (or forgets to follow up), or avoids a lot of work. You may need to take a break from your friend at some point. It's okay if you're feeling emotionally drained, but it's also important to avoid blaming your friend or saying things that might contribute to negative feelings. Instead, consider talking to a therapist or other person about how you feel.

2. Do not try to correct the patient's behavior

Depression is a serious mental health disorder that requires professional treatment. It is difficult for a person who has never had depression to understand exactly what the patient feels. Clinical depression is not just a mood swing that can be improved with phrases like "you should be grateful for the good things in your life" or "just stop thinking about the sad things." If you don't want to say something vulnerable to someone who is living with a severe physical illness like diabetes or cancer, you probably shouldn't say that kind of thing to your friend with depression either. Positive support can let your friend know that they really matter to you.

3. Don't give unsolicited advice

While certain lifestyle changes often improve symptoms of depression, making these changes is difficult in the midst of a depressive episode. You may want to help a friend by offering advice, such as exercising more or eating healthier foods. But, even if it's good advice, your friend may not want to listen to it at the moment. There may come a day when your friend wants to find out what foods can help with depression or how exercise can relieve symptoms. However, by this time, it may be best to stick to empathic listening and avoid offering advice unless he asks for it. Encourage positive change by taking a depressed friend out for a walk or cooking delicious meals together.

4. Don't belittle the patient's symptoms

If your friend is talking about depression, you can say something like, "I understand" or "We've all been through it." But if you've never dealt with depression, it can reduce your empathy to a minimum. Depression goes beyond just feeling sad or depressed. Sadness usually goes away fairly quickly, while depression can linger and affect mood, relationships, work, school, and every other aspect of life for months or even years. Comparing what a depressed person is going through to other people's troubles, or saying things like, "But it could have been a lot worse," usually doesn't help. Your friend's heartache is what is real to him. Say something like, “I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with this. I know I can't make you feel better, but remember that you are not alone."

5. Do not comment on prescription medications

Medicines can be very helpful for depression, but they are not for everyone. Some people have a very hard time with the side effects of antidepressants and prefer to treat their depression with psychotherapy or natural products. Even if you think your friend should be taking an antidepressant, remember that medication choice is a personal decision. Also, if you personally do not believe in medicines, avoid discussing this when talking to the sick. For some people, medication is the only way to start the steps towards recovery. In the end, whether or not to take antidepressants is a very personal decision for the patient, which he usually has to make on his own after a detailed conversation with the doctor.

When Intervention Is Needed

Depression can increase a person's risk of suicide or self-harm, so it's good to know how to recognize the signs of this danger. Below is a list of some of the signs that may indicate the presence of suicidal thoughts:

frequent mood or personality changes;
talk or death;
acquisition of weapons;
increase in alcohol consumption or initiation of drug use;
risky or dangerous behaviour;
disposal of own belongings or distribution of property;
talking about feelings of being trapped or wanting to end all problems at once;
self-isolation;
too expressive farewell after each meeting.

If you think your friend is thinking about suicide, ask him to call his GP while you are with him, or ask your friend for permission to call his doctor instead.

Crisis Support

You can also take your friend to a mental health emergency room. If possible, stay with him until he has no more suicidal thoughts. Make sure he can't access weapons or drugs. If you're worried about your friend's mental state, you might start to worry that mentioning it might make them think about suicide.

Learn more