Getting over relationships

How to Get Over a Breakup: 20 Expert-Approved Tips to Try If You're Struggling to Move On

As much as we’d all like one, there is no rulebook on how to get over a breakup. After a relationship ends, people (unsurprisingly) often report feeling loneliness, a loss of a sense of self, distress, and depression¹. In fact, many experts have equated having a broken heart to a form of grief. In other words: If you’re struggling to move on from a breakup, you are far from alone.

“A breakup is a classic example of what we call an ambiguous loss, which is where the grief of the loss of a relationship is often complicated by a lack of closure,” Michaela Decker, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Mesa, Arizona, tells SELF. This, she says, can prolong the healing process and leave us feeling unresolved. And after a breakup, we are often mourning not just the loss of a romantic partner, but also the dreams and expectations we had for our futures. It’s a layered heartbreak that is tricky to navigate. And though there is no quick fix for how to get over someone, there are things you can do to help you through your own healing process. Here, experts and people who have been there before give their 20 best tips on how to deal with heartbreak.

1. Think about your breakup as a physical injury.

Andrea Liner, Psy.D., suggests trying to give yourself the same grace when healing from having your heart broken that you would if you were experiencing a medical issue. “You may not be operating at 100%, and that’s okay,” Dr. Liner tells SELF, noting that you wouldn’t beat yourself up for not going to the gym after, say, breaking your leg. “Extend yourself the same kindness for going through an emotional injury,” she says.

2. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

Susan Birne-Stone, Ph.D., a licensed clinical social worker in Brooklyn, suggests setting a timer and giving yourself 10-20 minutes to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. Write out any thoughts about the breakup in a letter that you will never give your ex (or just speak your thoughts out loud). When that timer goes off, ask yourself: “What do I need now? Do I need to speak with someone that loves me? Do I need to do something physical? Do I need to take a shower, eat, self-pleasure, watch a movie? What will be nurturing in this very moment that will also feel good after?” You can repeat this as needed!

3. Reconnect with things that make you happy.

Dr. Liner suggests dusting off old hobbies you may have stopped doing while busy in your relationship. “We naturally shift away from various activities while dating, and it can be empowering to get back to them,” she explains.

4. Surround yourself with good support—and lots of it.

Naturally, your inclination may be to lean on your friends for support during and after a breakup. Try not to let embarrassment or anxiety hold you back from doing just that. “One of the things I hear most from clients going through breakups is that they’re worried about burdening or annoying their networks,” says Dr. Liner. “So it can be helpful to rotate who you’re talking to. ”

Depending on the specifics of your situation—like if the breakup was expected and if you’ve been keeping up with your friends a normal amount during your relationship—they may not be surprised to hear the news. Hopefully, they’ll spring into action and help you feel better in the specific ways that only people who really know you can.

5. And apologize to your support system if you need to.

But if you’re itching to reach out to people you’ve lost touch with for some reason, whether it’s getting caught up in your relationship or the madness of the pandemic, you can reach back out—and own your mistake if you need to, Dr. Liner says. For instance, if you basically fell out of orbit because you were that in love, she offers a few scripts to try: “I know I stopped prioritizing our friendship while I was in my relationship, and I really regret that. I’d love a chance to reconnect with you if you’re open to it.” Or, “I got really caught up in having a significant other and now see that it wasn’t cool of me to disappear on you like that. ”

6. Consider finding a therapist if you don’t already have one.

“Having an unbiased, neutral, third-party observer is instrumental in gaining a deeper understanding in what happened, what your role was, and how you can learn and grow from it as you pursue future relationships,” says Dr. Liner. This is extra important if your mental health has been heavily impacted by your breakup. “I place extra emphasis on this advice for anyone who is experiencing a significant decline in functioning: not eating or sleeping, missing or struggling at work, major changes in mood or personality, or having intrusive or suicidal thoughts," Dr. Liner says.

Not sure how to go about finding mental health help? Here's where to start.

7. Do your best to be patient (even though it’s hard).

How long does it take to get over a breakup? There’s no one answer, so try to be patient. Yes, it’s so much easier said than done. But Dr. Liner stresses that the pain won’t go away overnight and recovery is a process. “There will be days you feel better and days you feel worse,” she says. “Your thoughts and emotions may jump around in the stages of grief for a while,” adds Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Studio City, California. Some days you may feel better than others, and it’s okay to honor wherever you are in your journey.

How To Get Over Someone: 12 Tips From Breakup Experts

"If you loved this person deeply, you may always love them, but their role in your life has changed," licensed therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford, LMFT, tells mbg. "You can absolutely love them from afar [but] the most important thing is to give yourself grace, honor your emotions day by day and give yourself the space to process for as long as you need."

If you're wondering how to get over someone after a breakup of any length and emotional capacity, welcome. You're in the right place. The tips below will help guide you into letting go with peace:

Go no-contact with your ex.

"Ending a relationship is challenging. I encourage anyone who has just experienced a breakup to take time away from their ex and get into the activities and things that are good for their mental health," says Smith Crawford.

Yes, that means removing them from social media, getting rid of any physical reminders, and blocking them if necessary. You don't want to deal with potential mixed signals, get caught up in their journey by comparing your healing to theirs, or find yourself trying to pretend to be over your ex online.

Cutting them out of your life can feel harsh because you're so used to their presence, but the no-contact rule has proved to be the fastest and most effective way to put the attention back on yourself and focus on needed inner work.

As dating coach Monica Parikh writes at mbg, "The vast majority of people use love as a drug. They get 'high' from an external source—another person's presence and approval. The withdrawal from that feeling that comes with heartbreak after a relationship ends (and the fear that they may not know how to be happy on their own) can be terrifying. But by using the no-contact rule, you will also regain strength, self-esteem, confidence, and empowerment. You also differentiate 'wanting' a partner from 'needing' one."

Of course, if you’re co-parenting or in the process of uncoupling your life from each other, it may be impossible to completely halt conversations. In such cases, you can still try to minimize the extent of your contact instead. Limit your communication to only what’s necessary to keep things clean and productive.

Tend to your intentions and the narrative about your breakup thoughtfully.

Radisha Brown, Ed.D., LCSW, a licensed therapist who specializes in helping people heal from toxic relationships, notes it's important not to get stuck with unhealthy thoughts and unrealistic expectations about yourself while you're sifting through everything. Your thoughts create your reality and affect the way you relate to the world, which will drive how you ultimately feel. As you're processing and being intentional with your healing, be mindful of what you're thinking about and the beliefs you're telling yourself.

"It is common to replay conversations, interactions, or events with your ex. We may recreate the story with our ex as the hero and ourselves as the villain. Remember that perfect people only live in our imagination, and relationships require two individuals working toward the same goal," Brown says.

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Find your self-worth again outside of a relationship.

It's devastating to release the goals you dreamed about doing together, but there is a bright side. One of the silver linings of a breakup is you get to reclaim your personhood completely and create a life full of things that you love and are inspired by. You don't have to negotiate or water down any of the things you want in your present and future. You can reimagine the things you truly want for yourself without any compromise.

Smith Crawford recommends starting a daily meditation practice to help you visualize a beautiful future without your S. O. "It is important to remember that you are a whole and powerful being, and you do not need a relationship to validate that. Oftentimes, we get so caught up in a relationship that we lose sight of the things that make us, the individual, feel good."

Load up on a lot of self-care.

"Take time for yourself. When you spend a considerable amount of time with someone and that person leaves, that is a big change, and change is often uncomfortable," Smith Crawford says.

In addition to learning to love yourself again, it is especially important that you make extra space for your mental health. Journal your unfiltered thoughts, pick up an old/new hobby, and be sure to scaffold some structure in your days so you have things to look forward to and it's not an endless abyss of introspection.

"Find joy in doing things without a significant other, catching up with close friends, meditation, or therapy. Do what you need to nourish your soul as you process the breakup and start the journey of getting over them," Smith Crawford says.

Join eHarmony.com to start exploring your love languages.

It takes a community to heal from a breakup.

Breakups can be traumatizing, and it takes a village to help you put the pieces back together and find the light at the end of the tunnel. "Build a support system of trusted family, friends, or professionals that will provide emotional support," Brown advises. Your people can serve as pillars as they effectively hold space for you, share their own stories, and affirm what you're going through.

Smith Crawford concurs about the value and importance of having a trusted crew to rely on and ask for help. "It's crucial after a breakup. Having the support and love of family and friends will help offset the negative emotions that may arise after a breakup. It's helpful to have someone to process your thoughts and feelings in a loving and supportive way."

Grieve the loss and give yourself permission to feel everything.

It's normal to cycle through various emotional changes as you reckon with your grief, so don't shame yourself for the topsy-turvy feelings.

"Your emotions will range from happy to angry. Every emotion you feel is one step closer to healing from the breakup. You must allow yourself to feel in order to heal," explains Brown.

Let yourself feel it all—unmoored, dejected, numb, free, abandoned, rejected, uncertain, obsessed, confused, relieved, devastated, betrayed, angry, desperate, etc. It's a chemical sign that you're purging it out of your system. Sit with your discomfort. Right now, you may only be thinking about what went wrong in the breakup and how you could've fixed it. But then, you'll think about what went right and why it had to happen. Soon, your emotions will equalize. Eventually, you'll land on acceptance and be ready for it.

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But don't be consumed by the heartbreak for too long.

While you're in the thick of it, you may find yourself feeling at peace with the breakup one day, then ricochet to wanting to get them back at all costs. Remember, there is no time limit for how long it should take to get over someone. It's dependent on each person, their role in the breakup, and the level of work they've done on themselves. There isn't really a specific equation, like you've been together for X time so it should take X months to get over it. So if it's been a certain time period and you're still going through it, don't judge yourself. That's totally OK! The emotional whiplash will be exhausting, but rest assured, it's a part of the healing.

But there is a caveat.

"You should take the time to sit, feel, express, and process all the emotions that come up for you. I believe we should take all the time we need to process grief. But expressing your emotions is different from wallowing. You do not want to become consumed with the feelings of the breakup so much that it affects the way you show up in your life. Feel your feelings; do not get consumed by them," Smith Crawford stresses. "If your processing starts to get in the way of your normal functioning after an extended period of time, I would highly recommend seeking help from a therapist. "

(Here's more on how to stop thinking about someone.)

Take responsibility for your role in your breakup.

"Get real after a breakup. Be honest with yourself about why the relationship didn't work," Brown says. "Don't blame yourself for the relationship ending, but take responsibility for your healing."

It's a fine balance to strike: It's good to be self-aware and acknowledge any failings in the dynamic to do better for yourself and your next relationship. At the same time, doing that too much can put you in a Sisyphean-like self-destructive loop and leave you connected to the relationship and subsequently your ex.

The key is giving yourself grace by forgiving your mistakes, Brown says. During this time, offer compassion to yourself and let go of blaming and any resentment to sever that tie. No one is perfect, and you're allowed to make mistakes in love as long as you can grow from it and course-correct moving forward.

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Look for lessons in the aftermath for profound takeaways.

It's easy to get caught up in the trap of looking at your ex-partner through a black-and-white lens by either villainizing them or putting them on a pedestal and romanticizing them. In some ways, it can be low-hanging fruit to view the situation with that kind of limiting perspective. It's much more meaningful to aim higher and contemplate about what they brought into your life instead. By seeing things with a sense of realism, you can begin to see the relationship for what it was instead of by a projection. While your ex wasn't your forever partner, at the end of the day they were a teacher for you to learn from and examine yourself through.

"Romantic relationships are mirrors of the relationship you have with yourself," Brown asserts. "If you find yourself repeating the same relationship mistakes, you may need to heal negative beliefs about yourself. Otherwise, you will continue to find partners that will confirm those unhealthy beliefs about yourself. [For example] if you believe you are not important, then you will find partners that will treat you accordingly. Healthy relationships require healthy individuals."

10.

Find little pockets of gratitude to settle into.

There's nothing you could have done differently because what happened, happened. Smith Crawford notes, "People end relationships for many different reasons, and there is no right or wrong reason to end a relationship. The decision is personal."

You may have lost an important part of your life, but through that loss, you are gaining something back: you and the person you want to be after the experience.

Post-breakup, you aren't the same person anymore, and you have been changed irrevocably as an individual. Now it all depends on the positivity you can apply to the situation. Staying with your negative emotions will keep you spinning your wheels in the same place, holding you back from moving forward.

"Gratitude changes your attitude," Brown affirms. "Expressing gratitude shifts your focus and energy by reducing stress. Find something each morning that you are grateful for and write it down."

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11.

Be in your body and reconnect to nature.

Love hurts. Research shows your body is going through literal physical pain1 as you mourn the loss of your partner, affecting you somatically, which only deepens your sadness.

Exercise releases natural endorphins that can help you physically feel better and drop into your body, so you're not in your head as much ruminating about your ex-S.O. You may want to blob out in bed and watch sad movies for days on end, but a literal change in your environment can help shift your thoughts and get you out of any rumination spirals.

"Go outside—fresh air and sunlight give you a dose of vitamin D, which helps to improve your mood. Spending time outside helps reduce symptoms of anxiousness and depressive feelings," Brown suggests.

12.

Accept the natural flow of grief.

You may want to disconnect from the healing and ignore what's coming up. You may do this by using whatever preferred means you have at your disposal to put a Band-Aid on your pain and quickly put it behind you. Even though it's painful, lean into it instead. It's more honest and constructive to go through the suckiness of intentionally feeling it all without any distractions. The only way out is through.

Don't feel embarrassed or beat yourself up for experiencing what you need to go through. Look at your feelings as something value-neutral versus feeling ashamed for what you should be or shouldn't be feeling. Know it's a part of the natural back-and-forth that you'll emote before it transmutes into acceptance.

The bottom line.

No matter how painful it may feel right now, it's essential to go through the pain of letting go of your ex so you can close the chapter and move on to the next page with a sense of completion. Even though you aren't together anymore, you can honor the relationship by genuinely wishing them the best on their individual path and by embarking on your own.

1 Sources

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7734469/

Read online “Overcoming Loneliness. How to establish personal relationships and stop depending on love”, Ilya Kachay – LitRes

ISBN 978-5-0053-0681-4

in a sense, it is a continuation of similar publications dedicated to the victory over perfectionism and the development of self-confidence. Indeed, addiction to achievement, which is discussed in the first workbook, addiction to approval, which is devoted to the second work, and addiction to love, the ways to overcome which are considered in this publication, have a common root - a person’s rejection of himself. The ways of forming unconditional self-acceptance are outlined in the fourth and final workbook from this practical series.

However, the greatest continuity can be traced between this and previous editions, because if the second workbook describes in detail the algorithms of key skills of confident behavior (expressing emotions and desires, making demands, refusing, making a request, accepting refusal, accepting criticism, expressing criticism, managing conflicts, giving and receiving compliments, reflecting emotions, etc.), then this publication focuses on confident communication skills such as establishing, maintaining and breaking contact, the ability to arouse sympathy, active listening skills, the ability to find a compromise, the ability to improvise in communication time and many others.

In addition, with this book you will learn about the intricacies of non-verbal communication and master the keys to freedom from anxiety before communicating with strangers, which is also an important factor in maintaining a lonely lifestyle and interpersonal relationships. And of course, you will receive useful recommendations on overcoming love addiction, eliminating the fear of being abandoned, improving current personal relationships, as well as step-by-step algorithms for overcoming loneliness.

Happy reading and active changes!

CHAPTER 1. THE NATURE OF LOVE ADDICTION

Love addiction

Love addiction is the desire to start and maintain any romantic relationship just to avoid "terrible" and "unbearable" loneliness and not feel "worthless" and "unattractive" ". Dependence on love often leads to the fact that a person enters into a relationship "at least with someone", just not to be left alone, or, on the contrary, maintains relationships that are not satisfactory or humiliating for him, afraid of not coping with life alone or fearing to lose the last hope of at least some semblance of happiness. In addition, dependence on love is manifested in frequent anxiety about a possible break in current relationships, followed by episodes of jealousy towards a partner. The more you depend on the love of another person, the more often you worry that something might go wrong in your relationship and that your partner might leave you, thereby “dooming” you to a painful lonely existence until the end of your days. One way or another, people addicted to love can have serious problems both in terms of establishing personal relationships and in terms of their subsequent maintenance, since quite often they find themselves in a vicious circle of love addiction.

The vicious circle of love addiction

If you believe that you are flawed and defective without personal relationships and that you simply cannot survive loneliness, then you often experience depression and anxiety that you do not want to face and the strengthening of which you try to avoid. In this regard, you strive to be good and convenient for a potential or real partner and please him in every possible way in order to receive the treasured "dose" of love and acceptance and avoid rejection and the subsequent break in relations. Thus, you unwittingly show a person that without his acceptance and love you are nothing of yourself, which is unlikely to cause sympathy among people of the opposite sex. However, in your relentless efforts to woo the person you like, you may give up your own interests and needs in favor of your partner’s desires, not express your opinion for fear of provoking conflict, and strive to look and behave “perfectly”, even if you are deeply uninterested in it. . At the same time, you think that since you are sacrificing yourself in this way, then the other person should appreciate it, and implicitly demand that he accepts and loves you, or at least pays as much attention to you as possible (it is understood that otherwise he will be "cattle", "bastard" and other "soulless creature").

Negative focus of attention and seeking reassurance

If you have such demands, you are doomed to frequent and excessive anger, since a potential or real partner in any case will not be able to meet your requirements - this is simply physically impossible, especially since your demands only increase with time , because the “necessary” “dose” of taking is constantly increasing. At the same time, you carefully monitor your partner’s reactions, looking for signs of a weakening of love and interest in you (and find them!), attribute any of his displeasure to your account and focus purely on the negative aspects of your relationship, being afraid to miss the moment when your partner stops loving you which will cause the relationship to end. At the same time, you ignore or devalue your partner’s positive reactions, because they do not guarantee that he will not reject you sooner or later, and you increasingly think and “feel” for your partner, coming to the most gloomy conclusions and forecasts. Not wanting to put up with uncertainty about the future of your relationship, you strive to receive reinforced concrete guarantees of eternal love and acceptance from your partner and resort to looking for assurances and confirmations: “Tell me that everything will be fine with us!”, “Do you still love me?” , “Do you still like me?”, “Why are you so puzzled today?”, “You spent less time with me yesterday - everything is definitely fine with us?”, “Who is this ridiculous man with whom you talked so nicely yesterday ? etc.

An unfortunate realization of fears

The more often you “examine” and “test” your partner for feelings for you and, at the slightest doubt, throw up scandals and arrange scenes of jealousy, the greater becomes the partner’s desire to do everything contrary to your requirements and defiantly show their independence and integrity, paying you less and less attention. Indeed, the obsessive search for reassurance and demands for guarantees of eternal love and acceptance can lead to the fact that the partner will become increasingly angry and move away from you and eventually really leave you, but not because something is wrong with you, but just just because he will get tired of your endless search for assurances and confirmations of the strength, stability and seriousness of his feelings. Thus, dependence on love and the desire that follows from it to get or keep a partner and win his favor at any cost can turn into what you fear most - rejection of a partner and destruction of relationships. Attempts to feed your own wealth and personal value at the expense of the love of another person are doomed to failure and only lead to disappointment, since the other person is a priori incapable of giving you your own self-respect, no matter how much he loves you.

Irrational beliefs about the need for love

Common irrational beliefs on the basis of which dependence on love grows include the following illogical beliefs:

- "If I do not have a love relationship, then I am worthless and unattractive. "

- "Having a romantic relationship is an indicator that everything is fine with me."

- "I can only consider myself fulfilled in life if I have a loving person."

- "Without the approval and love of significant people, it is simply impossible to be happy."

- "I must be comfortable with my partner and please him, otherwise he will reject me."

- "I must neglect my personal needs in order to please the interests of a partner."

- "To think of your wants and needs first is to be selfish."

- "If my partner is not happy with my actions, then something is wrong with me."

- "If the partner decides to end the relationship with me, it will be terrible and unbearable."

- "I need to control my partner's thoughts and feelings, otherwise he will leave me."

- "I need to get guarantees of love from my partner, because uncertainty is unbearable."

- "If I don't know exactly what my partner is thinking and feeling, it's just unbearable. "

- "If the one I like doesn't like me, then no one will ever like me."

- "If the person I like does not approve of me, then everyone else will not approve."

- "People of the opposite sex will not accept and reject me when they get to know me better."

- "I need the support of other people, otherwise I can't do it."

- "The partner must devote all his free time to me, otherwise he does not appreciate me."

- "There is nothing special about my partner supporting me - that's how it should be."

Exercise 1. Debating Irrational Beliefs

Choose five irrational beliefs that are relevant to you and debate each one based on the questions below. For each irrational belief, formulate a new one that is more rational, realistic, flexible, and helpful, on which you will now rely in everyday life.

- On what date and to whom do you always have to be convenient for your partner?

- What contract or law are you violating by expressing your desires and interests?

- How did you know that you have to give up your needs in favor of a partner?

- Would you leave your partner just because he disagreed with you about something?

- In what way does dissatisfaction on the part of a partner make you bad?

- Is it logical to argue that the value of a person is determined by the presence of relationships?

- How does the absence of a love relationship make a person inferior?

- What are the consequences of your dependence on romantic relationships?

- Are you sure that people love you only because you strive for it?

– What does your desire to control your partner lead to?

- Do you know for sure that your hypercontrol saves and does not worsen relationships?

- How does the fact that someone didn't like you mean that everyone else won't like you?

- How does the fact that you failed to build a relationship with someone mean that you are a failure?

- Do you know for sure that all people without relationships are unhappy and lead a terrible life?

Philosophy of love

Without a doubt, love relationships are an important part of human life, the importance of which has been written about by many prominent philosophers. Thus, one of the representatives of German classical philosophy, Ludwig Feuerbach, believed that only love as the unity of I and You allows a person to learn about the existence of being beyond himself and orients a person to overcome egocentrism and help other people achieve happiness. As if continuing the thought of the German philosopher, the representatives of dialogism Martin Buber, Emmanuel Munier and Maurice Nedonsel defined life as a dialogue between I and You, only within the framework of which a person finds his true Self, while the main sadness of human life, the same Buber recognized the impossibility of permanent residence I am in You. The Russian religious philosopher Nikolai Aleksandrovich Berdyaev thought in a similar way, declaring that a man and a woman, taken separately, are not the image and likeness of God and become such only by uniting in spiritual and carnal love. In this regard, Berdyaev defined love as a creative act in which the creative essence of the beloved is revealed, and another Russian philosopher Vladimir Sergeevich Solovyov conceived love as a rearrangement of the center of personal life from oneself to another.

Elements of true love

However, the greatest contribution to the understanding of the phenomenon of love was made by the German philosopher Erich Fromm, who interpreted love as a creative act of consciously giving oneself to another, but without harming oneself. According to Fromm, only by giving does a person feel that he lives and becomes truly free. In this regard, the thinker singled out five elements of true love, to which he attributed the following most important components:

- giving - the desire to give oneself to another, generating a response desire;

- care - active interest in the life of another person;

- responsibility - willingness to be responsible for a loved one;

- respect - the ability to see and accept a person as he is and without any conditions;

- knowledge - the desire to see the essence of a loved one.

Forms of pseudo-love

However, from the point of view of Erich Fromm, love is often used by people only as a means of asserting their own significance, which reveals the nature of the dependence on love we are discussing. Developing this thesis, the philosopher singled out five forms of pseudo-love, which included the following manifestations of inauthentic love:

- love as salvation from loneliness - the union of two people against the "dangerous" world, which is, in fact, a variant of dependent relationships;

- love as unlimited sexual satisfaction - substitution of love for private and momentary sexual relations, which leads to various neurotic manifestations;

- love as a childhood attachment - a form of substitution of the desired maternal care, for one reason or another, not received in the childhood period of life;

- love-worship - losing oneself in a person instead of finding oneself in him in connection with the established conformist behavioral strategies;

- sentimental love - experiencing love in fantasies of the past or future, not in the present moment.

Neurotic variants of love relationships

It is also worth noting that the fear of being abandoned and rejected quite often leads a person to avoid any relationship altogether, explaining this to himself and others by the desire to find “true love”. Some people, despite the fear of rejection, still enter into a relationship, but they try not to get too close to a partner and often limit themselves to sexual relationships without commitment so that the pain due to a possible breakup is not so strong. Due to the fear of rejection and due to the notions of the "unbearable" parting, people can enter into obviously hopeless relationships in order to be ready for a possible break in advance, and some themselves provoke conflicts in order to be the first to end the relationship and not find themselves in the status of abandoned and rejected. A very common option is when a person chooses as a partner a person who, as he thinks, needs these relationships more, which, paradoxically, most often leads to a break in relations precisely on the part of the partner. Speaking of addiction to love, which often leads to various forms of pseudo-love, one cannot help but recall the French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, who believed that love quite often turns into a struggle between people, each of whom wants to get the freedom of the other and find support in him for the fullness of one's own life, which leads to the fact that one of the partners becomes just a means of satisfying, as we would say now, the needs of another person for love and acceptance.

CHAPTER 2: OVERCOMING ADDICTION TO LOVE

Understand that personal relationships do not determine your worth

You can firmly believe that without personal relationships you have no value. However, if this were the case, then it could be argued that absolutely all people who are not currently in a romantic relationship are nothing. Are you ready to go up to a hundred of these people and throw in their faces that they are complete nonentities? Not? Then why are you applying unfair double standards to yourself? Moreover, if people were worthless without relationships, then none of the earthlings under any circumstances, ever, would be able to create relationships with anyone, because all people would be uninteresting to each other. In addition, can you call all children who, due to their age, cannot yet have personal relationships, worthless? What? Children don't count? Then from what age does a person's value sharply reset to zero if he does not have a romantic relationship? By what percentage per month does a person's importance decrease if he does not have a relationship after reaching the right age? Remember yourself from birth to the present moment. Are you ready to cross out all your interests, activities, personal qualities, social roles and pleasant moments that are not related to relationships, just because you currently do not have a partner? Do you really think that to be "valuable" you have to be in a relationship with someone, and if the relationship starts to deteriorate, then your "value" immediately starts to decline, like the price of a TV during a New Year's sale or Black Friday?

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Getting over relationships

How to Get Over a Breakup: 20 Expert-Approved Tips to Try If You're Struggling to Move On

1. Think about your breakup as a physical injury.

2. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

3. Reconnect with things that make you happy.

4. Surround yourself with good support—and lots of it.

5. And apologize to your support system if you need to.

6. Consider finding a therapist if you don’t already have one.

7. Do your best to be patient (even though it’s hard).

How To Get Over Someone: 12 Tips From Breakup Experts

Go no-contact with your ex.

Tend to your intentions and the narrative about your breakup thoughtfully.

Advertisement

Find your self-worth again outside of a relationship.

Load up on a lot of self-care.

ADVERTISEMENT

It takes a community to heal from a breakup.

Grieve the loss and give yourself permission to feel everything.

Advertisement

But don't be consumed by the heartbreak for too long.

Take responsibility for your role in your breakup.

Advertisement

Look for lessons in the aftermath for profound takeaways.

Find little pockets of gratitude to settle into.

Advertisement

Be in your body and reconnect to nature.

Accept the natural flow of grief.

The bottom line.

1 Sources

Read online “Overcoming Loneliness. How to establish personal relationships and stop depending on love”, Ilya Kachay – LitRes

CHAPTER 1. THE NATURE OF LOVE ADDICTION

Love addiction

The vicious circle of love addiction

Negative focus of attention and seeking reassurance

An unfortunate realization of fears

Irrational beliefs about the need for love

Exercise 1. Debating Irrational Beliefs

Philosophy of love

Elements of true love

Forms of pseudo-love

Neurotic variants of love relationships

CHAPTER 2: OVERCOMING ADDICTION TO LOVE

Understand that personal relationships do not determine your worth

Ryabkov considered "overcoming chaos" in international relations inevitable - RBC