Why am i too nice
13 Signs You’re Too Nice & What To Do About It
Let’s start off by saying there’s nothing wrong with being nice. Helping friends, supporting family, and finding ways to get along with people is a beautiful thing. But it is possible to be too nice — and it comes with a whole list of negative side effects.
“Being too nice can simply be another way of saying someone is uncomfortable with the possibility of letting people down,” Dr. Robin Buckley, CPC, a cognitive behavioral coach, tells Bustle. The discomfort might stem from a past experience with rejection, a time when you expressed an opinion and it wasn’t well-received, or even a toxic family history. Whatever happened, it taught you to always say “yes,” be agreeable, and bend over backwards to be kind.
The trouble is, if your entire life is defined by being “nice” and doing selfless things because you’re afraid to say no, it can leave you feeling burnt out — and even angry. “Being too nice or not speaking your truth will eventually lead to deep resentment,” says Robyn D'Angelo, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
“When we're always accommodating others, we can start to feel invisible, unimportant, [and disconnected].”
Being overly nice can even lead to a sort of identity crisis. “When you're always available for others, you tend to lose the sense of who you are, what you want, and how you feel,” D’Angelo says. “This makes having honest and vulnerable relationships — the best kind of relationships — nearly impossible.” Below is a list of signs you’re officially too nice, as well as tips for striking a better balance.
1. You Say "Sorry" On Repeat
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Nice folks tend to get on a roll and apologize for everything and anything, sometimes simply for existing or taking up space. Even if your aim is to be pleasant and polite, apologizing 24/7 is completely unnecessary — and doing it too often can even lead the word to lose its meaning.
If you say something rude, have to cancel plans last minute, or otherwise make a mistake, it’s obviously time to say sorry.
“If not, an apology makes it seem like you did something wrong when you haven’t,” Buckley says.
What To Do About It
Do an experiment where you try to go an entire day without saying “sorry.” This means you can’t even apologize if someone bumps into you. By catching yourself in the moment, it’ll reveal how often you toss excessive apologies around, and that will hopefully help you scale back.
You can also take a more assertive approach in other situations. “For example, instead of apologizing to a friend for arriving late to lunch, thank them for being patient and waiting for you,” Buckley says. “Instead of apologizing to your boss when you cannot make a meeting scheduled without your input, voice your appreciation for being included and ask to meet to get caught up on the details at a mutually convenient time.”
2. Your Needs Are Never Met
Nice people tend to attract users — partners who are lazy, friends who always need help moving, family members who constantly have a favor to ask.
It's OK to be helpful, but it crosses over into bad territory when these people are never there for you in return. So take it as a sign if it feels like your needs are never met. You might notice that you never have time to reach your goals, or that the people in your life rarely step up to help you out. According to Buckley, being too nice steals energy away from your to-do list. It also trains people to let you down, because they know you won’t call them out on it.
What To Do About It
Try to be more honest about your needs. Let your friends/partner/parents know that you’d love their advice and support. And while you’re at it, start prioritizing your own happiness, Buckley says. Don’t lose sight of your own needs while you’re out helping others — make it a point to strike a better balance, so that you can look after your own well-being.
3. You Feel Resentful After Saying Yes
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You’ll know you were a little too nice — and stretched yourself a little too thin — if you feel resentful after saying “yes” to someone.
If you constantly agree to do things because you want to be liked, and not because you genuinely have the time or energy, resentment will start to build.
What To Do About It
However hard it may be, practice saying "no” more often. Reserve all those yeses for things and people who truly matter to you, Buckley says, and watch in amazement as you start to feel less burnt out.
If you’re nervous, respond to someone via text by saying, “No, I can’t do that” and then toss your phone across the room before you’re tempted to elaborate or make an excuse. Doing so will only open the floor for negotiation and guilt may get the better of you. Stick to your guns and respect your time.
4. You Worry About Being Liked
Take note if you often think “people will only like me if I’m useful to them.” According to psychotherapist Allison Gervais, LMFT, this is a mental script many people-pleasers adopt as a way of alleviating their own anxiety.
What To Do About It
Try a thought experiment:“Notice situations when you always say yes, then imagine, ‘what would happen if I said no?’” Gervais says.
“You're likely on auto-pilot, so finding a way to put a pause before your decision helps you be in control.”
From there, look for small situations where you can practice saying no, perhaps where the outcome has little to no risk. “If that's too difficult, find someone to practice with,” Gervais says. “Let them in on it and have some fun with it. For a full day have them ask you to do things and practice how to say no.”
5. You're Constantly Swamped At Work
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From picking up other people’s shifts to accepting projects you don’t have time for, you may also notice that you’re always overwhelmed at work. While it may seem “nice” to take on a million and one projects, all it gets you is a packed schedule, zero days off, late nights at work — and again, total burnout. Even if it leads you to get ahead in your career, it can also mean your boss will continue to take advantage of you.
What To Do About It
Give yourself permission to carve out time to complete your own tasks and goals before even thinking about taking on someone else’s, Gervais says.
When you’re super busy, it’s not only OK but responsible to say no.
6. You Often Get Dragged To Things You Don’t Want To Do
Think about your group of friends. Does it often feel like you’re being dragged from one activity you don’t care about to the next? If so, it might be because you’re too afraid to voice your opinion, says psychologist Cynthia Halow. “Nice” people often find it hard to chime in and say what they want to do, and thus get swept along with the tide.
What To Do About It
Try to adopt an assertive attitude, even if it’s out of character for you. Allow yourself to throw out ideas even if they’re unpopular. You can’t expect everyone on the planet to agree with you, Halow says, so you shouldn’t be afraid to speak your mind.
7. You Shoot Down Your Own Ideas
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On a similar note, do you ever catch yourself shooting down your own ideas or belittling what you say? According Halow, overly nice people do this on the reg.
“They believe they are inadequate and that the other person is superior,” she tells Bustle. It’s why you downplay your own ideas or laugh them off as “just a thought,” in an attempt to be easy-going and likable.
What To Do About It
The next time a self-deprecating comment begins to form in your mouth, swallow it back down. Knocking yourself down is a habit, and the only way to break it is by doing the opposite.
8. You Often Have To Back Out Of Plans
In an effort to be nice, you may also find yourself quickly agreeing to plans without checking your schedule. All of the aforementioned reasons apply: You’re afraid to say no, you feel guilty, you want to be liked. But the side effect is you then have to cancel last minute or back out, once you realize you’re double-booked.
What To Do About It
If you tend to say yes too quickly, practice slowing down your response. “Say something like, ‘Ooh, you know what? Let me think on it and get back to you in an hour.
I want to make sure I can say yes without any other conflicts or decline with enough time so that you can see if someone else is available,’” says D’Angelo. “That way you're honoring your own feelings while respecting the time/feelings of the person asking for something. Remember: someone would much rather get an honest and timely ‘no’ than a dishonest and obligatory ‘sure!’”
9. People Say Rude Things To You All The Time
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If you notice a pattern of friends and family saying whatever they want to you — without regard for how it might make you feel — consider it yet another sign you may be “too nice,” licensed therapist Keischa Pruden, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS, tells Bustle.
While you’d think people would be extra nice to nice people, it’s sometimes human nature to take advantage of kindness instead. When you’re too nice, you become the recipient of everyone else’s bad moods, mean comments, and judgmental remarks. They wouldn’t dare say those things to someone else.
But to you? It’s apparently fair game.
What To Do About It
“Set appropriate boundaries with people,” Pruden says. “Correct anyone who attempts to belittle you or otherwise violate the boundaries you have set forth in your relationship with them.” It may take time for them to adjust, but stand firm.
10. Your Insides Don’t Match Your Outsides
Are the things you say not matching up with how you feel? Take note. “Sometimes, when we are feeling uncomfortable feelings like anger or jealousy, we have a tendency to portray the exact opposite, such as being overly nice,” says therapist Melissa Fulgieri, LCSW. It’s basically a defense mechanism “nice” people employ so they don’t ruffle any feathers.
What To Do About It
Understand there’s nothing mean or wrong about sharing what’s on your mind. In fact, people will feel closer to you if you’re honest about your feelings, so experiment with opening up a little. The next time you’re mad, don’t smile on the outside while you seethe on the inside.
Instead say, “You know what? I’m not OK with that.”
It might even be helpful to speak with a therapist. As Fuglieri says, “People can be too nice when there were consequences for acting the opposite way growing up.” If your parents taught you that it’s wrong to talk about your feelings, it may help to relearn how to act. With guidance, you’ll begin to understand that being “nice” isn’t the only acceptable emotion.
11. You’re Exhausted All The Time
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If you’re constantly doing things for others, putting up with mistreatment, and performing the role of “nicest person on earth,” it may explain why you feel exhausted all the time, says therapist Rachel Rennie, LSCW. The nice lifestyle will leave you a shell of your former self, possibly even to the point you lose interest in things you used to enjoy.
What To Do About It
Remember there’s a huge difference between being “nice” and being genuinely kind. “Where niceness can be a hesitance to say ‘no’ to things or to defer to others, kindness can look like loving confrontation or letting the people in your life experience consequences to actions that are harmful to you,” Rennie says.
The more you speak up and take care of yourself, the less exhausted you’ll feel.
12. You Avoid Confrontation At All Costs
It's perfectly normal to dislike arguments and confrontation. What's not normal? Letting bad things happen to you because you’re too afraid to speak up or because you’re worried that fighting back will change someone’s opinion of you.
What To Do About It
Practice being assertive, even if the very word makes your blood run cold. It's not as hard as it sounds, especially since being genuinely assertive does not mean you have to be mean or rude. It simply requires you to stand up for yourself. This is something you can practice little by little in your daily life, or with the help of a therapist.
13. You Attract “Needy” People
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When you’re too nice, you accidentally teach others that you don’t have boundaries. And when word gets out that you don’t have boundaries, that’s when it’ll feel like you’re always the mediator in other people’s drama.
Buckley says you might even start to attract “needy” people, like friends and partners who sap your energy and expect too much.
What To Do About It
The next time someone tries to suck you into their drama, take a step back and ask yourself if you have the time and energy to help out. If not, firmly state your boundary. Something like, “It means a lot that you trust me with this information, but I can’t talk about it right now” will do the trick.
If you’re used to being too nice, it will take time to replace the habit — and all the associated anxiety — with something healthier, but it can be done. Remember, there’s a difference between being nice and being kind. Kindness is a wonderful thing, so aim for that instead.
Sources:
Dr. Robin Buckley, CPC, cognitive behavioral coach
Allison Gervais, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
Cynthia Halow, psychologist
Robyn D'Angelo, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
Keischa Pruden, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS, licensed therapist
Melissa Fulgieri, LCSW, therapist
Rachel Rennie, LSCW, therapist
This article was originally published on
Five signs you’re being too nice
There’s no doubt that being nice is a good thing. But being ‘too’ nice can actually be detrimental to your relationships. Here’s how to tell if you’ve crossed the line into too-nice-territory – and what to do about it.
Being nice is a positive trait to have. As humans, we truly appreciate and value supportive and compassionate friends and family. But when the balance is off, it can be detrimental to yourself, and even to those you think you are doing the right thing by.
Too much of a good thing?
“Being too much of anything means that other aspects are not in balance,” says Elisabeth Shaw, Clinical Psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW. “For real, flesh and blood relationships, we need to master a range of skills.”
If we don’t, it can start to affect you and the relationships you have with others.
“Many might think that being nice is a lovely way to be, that it would make you very well liked and easy to get along with, and that is probably true, Elisabeth says.
“However, being too nice can also mean that you become a door mat or a people pleaser. It can mean that you put other’s needs ahead of your own.”
“That can mean others get away with things that they shouldn’t. An excessively nice person might never be really known on a deep level or taken seriously. Their preferences might be over-ridden, and they could be neglected.”
It can even impact your job.
“Being too accommodating can make you a bit invisible, because you never stand for anything. You might be overlooked when it comes to leadership or other opportunities in the workplace,” says Elisabeth.
Signs you’re being too nice to people
So, how do you tell if you’ve crossed the line from nice, into too–nice territory? There are five key things to look out for.
Being agreeable even when you hold different viewsBeing a yes man or woman by “deliberately holding back dissenting opinions, even when you know they might be important,” can be a definite sign you are too nice, explains Elisabeth.
This agreeableness can also infiltrate other areas.
“You will often fit in with others’ suggestions, needs, plans, without asserting your own,” she says.
Avoiding any conflict in case it upsets othersAvoiding confrontation or conflict is also a red flag.
Often those who do this will allow bad things to be said or happen to them, because this is preferential to the conflict that speaking up would cause.
Ruminating about othersAnother a sign of being too nice can be “if you regularly find yourself ruminating on what others said or appeared to get away with after the fact,” says Elisabeth.
This can also leave a person feeling “resentful or depressed about how things turn out. From evenings with friends, to travel plans or work arrangements.”
Prioritising others before yourselfBeing too nice can also look like not competing for a job or relationship or something else valuable to you, because you’re stressed by any potential fallout.
You might be aware that you are not fulfilling aspects of your roles and requirements by being afraid to fall out with others. For example, if you find it too difficult to manage your staff or your boss, or your relationship with your neighbours.
How to turn things around
If you recognised some – or all – of the above behaviours and habits in yourself, don’t apologise (I know you were thinking about it…). You can learn to assert yourself with these three actionable pointers.
1. Reset your concept of relationships
Reset your concept of a good relationship and the best way to participate in relationships. To get what you need and want, to be taken seriously, and to not be taken advantage of, requires you to be a 3D person. This means allowing yourself to express your own opinions and needs, even if they are different to someone else’s.
2.
Consider why you value being nice
Consider what you value about being nice, and work out how you can maintain it while you learn to assert yourself and be more vocal about your needs. Nice people can still speak up and be assertive, without compromising themselves. For example, you can give good explanations for why you are pushing back on something, or make sure your tone of voice is still approachable.
3. Dare to disrupt
Sometimes being disruptive is really important in our relationships. People who we are in relationships with will grow if we offer alternative ways for them to think about and experience the world. Always going along with things only gives others a fuller experience of how they currently view themselves. Offering alternatives might even surprise and delight them – and that can make you much more attractive to be around.
If you feel like you need support with your relationships, reach out to one of our counsellors today.
A version of this article originally appeared on Body + Soul, and has been republished here with permission.
Girls say that I am too good and kind
Ivan 01/22/2010
Hello! I am 18 years old. I am a student. The situation is this, I’m getting to know a girl, at first the development of relations is normal, when it’s time for the relationship to move to a new level, then many (almost all) girls tell me such a phrase “You are too good and kind!”, (some say in plain text “I you need a bastard, etc.!"), I hear this phrase in different versions, but the meaning does not change from this. By nature, I am a romantic and it is very difficult for me to put up with this, but I have had it for about 2 years. But in general, there are no problems with girls, finding one evening, hugging, etc.
is very easy. Tell me what should I do, wait until she finds herself or change something in herself?
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The girl says that I'm pissing her off (2 answers)
Hello Ivan! It seems that you yourself choose just such girls who can reject you, and it is quite possible that you do this subconsciously (that is, relations with these girls will not go further, therefore the relationship is not so serious and the level of responsibility that is with a serious relationship) - however, it is worthwhile to figure out what is behind this (fear of a serious relationship, negative experience, etc.) - only you know about this, however, it may be difficult for you to figure out what it is exactly and you can contact a psychologist so that he helped you understand yourself, your desires, opportunities, relationships, possibly with communication barriers, etc.
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The girl says she needs me (1 answer)
Hello Ivan,
First you need to understand for yourself what "romantic" or "too good" means.
Perhaps you and the girls do not show your own position, often expecting them to resolve some issues? You also get the feeling that you don't care what girl is next to you, just to "move to a new level." If you understand yourself more, you will find questions for many of your answers. Good luck.
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Hello Ivan!
What unites the girls you choose? Try to understand on what basis you distinguish them. Why on this basis? What is it connected with? What is your experience? When you figure it out, you can change the situation. Wish you success! Tatiana.
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Husband says I'm not smart enough and well-read (4 answers)
Ivan, your desire to learn how to build relationships with the opposite sex is quite understandable. I agree that it is much more difficult than finding a girl for one evening.
..
It is very good that you have a desire to learn how to build these relationships. And this means that you need to understand what you are doing wrong, why the relationship does not develop further. I invite you for a consultation.
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Hello Ivan! Pay attention to your phrase: "By nature, I am a romantic and it is very difficult for me to put up with this, but it has been about 2 years already"? If one is manifested polarity, then the other - suppressed, is compensated by the addition of the external, i.e., from the outside world. If you realize in yourself and another polarity, then the situation will change, and then you will begin to meet other girls. If you begin to treat people not as bad or good - but as different, then - you can choose the one that will meet your needs and this is mutual. "What's inside, so outside", "What's above, so below.
" Can you answer yourself, what feelings or emotions did you have at the moment when the girl told you, "that you are too good and kind"? Were YOU "proud?" Did you take it as a compliment, or did it irritate or offend you? Know yourself, I wish you luck. Sincerely, Ludmila K.
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Husband always says that I'm cheating on him and don't love him (1 answer)
Hello Ivan!
In my opinion, you have a problematic process (because you complain about dissatisfaction). But what exactly it is, I don't know yet. I have two options: either you really (as my other colleagues noted) choose the type of girls who hurt you, and you need it for some reason, albeit ineffectively; either your girls are actually different, and it’s you who somehow behaves with them in such a way that they reject you. In both cases, you are shown working with a psychologist to transform an inefficient process into another, more effective and satisfying one.
I wish you success in this, Elena.
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The myth of the good guy: what's wrong with the idea that women choose bad guys
There are things that are considered axioms. They are taken on faith, without bothering to look for evidence. For example, there is a common stereotype that women love bad guys. It is enough for such a man to look at a girl, and she will collapse into his arms - just like in a movie.
This is a pretty bad idea. To understand why, you can look at men's forums (although who are we lying to, pickup resources) and see hundreds of complaints: “I love a girl, but she chose another.
It's because they like the bad guys and I'm the good one." Well, then we have a huge comment thread with recommendations on how to get worse. The advisers boast that this tactic did not fail them. True, one-time sex is usually cited as evidence, and not long-term harmonious relationships, but this is a topic for another conversation.
And we'll get back to the good guys. Of course, it is convenient for any rejected person to assume that he was told no, because he is overly positive. This is much easier than digging into yourself and understanding the nuances. And they are.
It is not clear what is a good guy and what is a bad guy
The categories of “good” and “bad” in relation to people are generally something from the teenage perception of the world. In ancient Egyptian mythology, after the death of a person, the god Anubis weighed his heart and determined which deeds would outweigh - positive or negative - and so decided what the person being evaluated was. As long as a person is alive, it is too early to label him.
Of course, there are red flags in behavior that eloquently tell you to stay away from the guy. But in general, it is difficult to unequivocally assess someone. If he kicked a dog yesterday, and today he led a blind man across the road, is he good or bad? Or, say, the behavior of a person who is in a relationship but has sex with someone else is more likely to be assessed as negative. And if he is polyamorous and he and his partner both agree to this?
Many qualities are in principle difficult to label, and this is especially true of relationships. What is unacceptable for one is very attractive for another. In general, a harmonious union is not at all the communication of two good people. This is the interaction of partners, suitable for each other.
It is not known if a good guy is really good
In the "women love bad guys and reject good guys" scheme, it is not clear who decided that this one is good and the other not so good. If a girl says: "You're great, but we can't be together," it means absolutely nothing.
Few people after "Let's be friends" really decide to be friends. And the words "It's not about you, but about me" will not deceive anyone.
When someone is said to have been rejected because they are too good, we take it for granted. What is normal: a person is already suffering, he needs support. Immediately after the refusal, it is hardly worth finding out if he did something wrong. But we hardly literally mean that he is too good to build a relationship with him. Because the strict categorization of people is a fiction, we have already found out.
But the loud statements of a person that he is very cool and that is why he was rejected, already arouses suspicion and a desire to understand his actions. And it often turns out that the point is not at all in his exceptional ideality, but in one of the following things.
Goodness is often a strategy
"Too good" guys who resent that women love bad guys often do things they approve of in an attempt to get something for it.
Gratitude, love, kindness, sex. That is, in his head it is a deal, an exchange: I try, but you owe me something for this. But only barter is possible when both participants have agreed on the conditions in advance. If the second person has no idea about this, then you can be offended as much as you like, that he made efforts, but did not receive anything for it.
Genuinely cool guys (if we're going to categorize people) don't do good things because they're hoping for a reward. This is their normal behavior, they cannot do otherwise. But they don’t have questions why he “opened the door for her, but she didn’t jump into bed”. After all, they hold the door for everyone in a row if someone needs it, and not just for sex.
If being good is a strategy, a choice, and not a natural human behavior, this is often read. People love different, but not insincere.
“Good” is often a euphemism for “boring”
It is hard to imagine a situation when a woman says to her friends: “Vasya got his doctorate at the age of 24, skydives, knows where the best parties are, and my parents immediately liked him.
No, nothing will work. He's too good." Rather, it will be a speech like this: “Vasya does not like clubs, because“ only outcasts go there. And in general on Friday you should go to bed no later than ten. The regime cannot be violated, because he spends all weekends with his mother. He's so good, but we can't do anything."
It's enough to look at how they usually decipher what a "good guy" is - he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't beat, he doesn't cheat. All definitions through "not". It seems that being positive is easy, for this it is enough not to do anything egregiously bad. True, this is not enough to be interesting, and for any gender.
Relationships are no longer necessary for survival, they exist for mutual pleasure. Few people want to have them with a person whose all characteristics relate to what he does not do. And what is he good at? Intelligence, charisma, sense of humor? Well, at least something?
“Goodness” is a reason for a white coat
Labeling is bad, but the problem with “good” guys (not to be confused with good guys without quotes) is that they do it masterfully.
They assign themselves to the role of positive characters, but this is not the worst thing. It is much worse that such a man clearly knows what a decent woman should be. And he will obsessively voice it, throwing on a dazzling white coat - he can afford it, because he considers himself to be standard beautiful.
He will tell you what to do and what not to do, where to go and where not to go. Prevent communication with girlfriends, because they will teach bad things. Prohibit parties, because this is an occupation for prostitutes, and normal girls sit at home and cook borscht. He may not speak directly. But it may well cover all this. Only now to manipulate and follow every step is a trait of abusers, not good people.
At the same time, he himself will never improve his behavior - after all, he is already so beautiful and this is what he considers a problem.
It is not clear why the bad guy is bad
We have already dealt with the fact that labeling is unhealthy.
Nevertheless, let's figure it out: what is bad? Here is Damiano David from the Måneskin group, who blew the head off girls, girls, grandmothers all over the world - he has the type of a clearly bad guy. But what he does: dresses provocatively, puts on makeup, supports LGBT and femdom, is in a long-term relationship. And even his drug test turned out to be a The vocalist of the band that won Eurovision passed a drug test / RBC negative. Terrible, terrible man!
To be bad, in general, is quite simple, it is enough to stand out at least somehow. When you appoint yourself as a great guy, of course, all rivals are disgusting people. But the fact is that some qualities that are attributed to bad ones are in fact very lacking in “good” ones. For example, such.
The ability to talk about your needs
There are many stories of a “good” boy writing: “I followed her for six months, and nothing. And Vasya said that she was sexy and he would have slept with her, and she left with him.
Girls love bad guys." But maybe women just like those who know how to formulate what they generally need? Vasya wanted sex, she wanted sex - the perfect match.
And this applies to all situations. When a person voices his desires, it is easy to deal with him. No need to play a guessing game, and then listen to claims for the lack of telepathy skills. All the cards are already on the table, and you can decide what to do with them.
Tendency to break the rules
Good does not mean conforming. Sometimes rebellion against the rules and generally accepted norms is just the way to show your best side. It just matters what it's about.
Robbery and fraud is definitely a violation of the rules. But protesting against the demolition of a historic building or supporting LGBT people is also a good idea. And these are things with different colors. Moreover, in the case of, for example, bullying, it is often vital for the victim that someone finds the strength not to join the crowd and take her side.
The ability to be against everyone, against the generally accepted, if it is necessary for something good, is a superpower that attracts.
Striving to look good
Maybe appearance is not the main thing, but it is important. But the “good” guy thinks about the inner content - why does he need a second pair of jeans and wash every day? (However, a girl often owes him endlessly, including looking beautiful.)
Willingness to experiment in sex
A “good” boy has many attitudes, stereotypes and rules that make it difficult to be open to new things. After all, he still knows how a decent woman should behave - not at all like a person who enjoys sex.
Success in their business
"Good" boys like to accuse women of commercialism and know a million excuses why achievements are bad. Surely held people went over their heads. And in general, these are connections and blat, but they themselves do not represent anything.
But it is actually attractive when a person is passionate about something and successful in it.
It is not necessary to earn millions, but it is desirable to understand who you are and what you do. They are drawn to the fire, and for this it is necessary to burn with something.
Nobody looks for a bad person as a partner specifically
People often find themselves in a relationship with someone who makes them unhappy. Partners are not necessarily bad, it is enough to be inappropriate - we have already decided on this. But even if there is a person who is bad in all dimensions, few people are looking for a disgusting couple purposefully. It is hard to imagine that a girl in her childhood dreams of meeting a prince and being able to apply a bag of ice cream peas to a bruise under her eye and wipe his vomit when he comes home drunk and in someone else's lipstick.
Women choose men who seem good to them at the moment. And then how lucky. Someone may continue to consider a partner the best on the planet. Someone breaks the connection with the thought: “Yeah, but it seemed so cool.
” Misconceptions are possible from the series “He behaved badly with everyone, but with me it was completely different, my love will change him.” But even in this case, it is obvious that the girl is not looking for someone disgusting. She simply believes that a beautiful man is hiding in the shell of the Beast, who needs to be disenchanted. (Spoiler: it doesn't work.)
Goodness does not give the right to obligatory love
Anything can happen, so we have to discuss one more situation. Let's say our hero is a really good guy: smart, kind, responsible, ambitious, capable of adequate behavior in various situations, understanding his needs and emotions, and so on. But still, the girls fell in love with him. Not even girls, but one - the one that I wanted. It happens. And the opponent is much worse than him, and maybe even a notorious scoundrel.
But he was most likely not rejected because he was too cool. But because even exceptional qualities do not guarantee love.
