Getting over grudges
5 Ways to Stop Holding Grudges and Move On I Psych Central
Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings.
Holding a grudge happens when you can’t let go of feelings of anger or resentment toward someone who wronged you.
It can be in response to something that actually happened or a perceived threat or action against you.
When you feel that someone’s hurt you, it’s difficult to move past it right away — or ever. You may constantly think about that person or the incident, playing it over and over in your mind.
Holding these negative feelings and ruminating on them can affect you physically and emotionally. But there are ways to help you let go of your grudges and move on.
Research has found that holding grudges can be harmful to your health.
A 2009 study found that holding grudges was associated with poor physical health. People who reported “bearing grudges for years” were more likely to have medical issues such as heart disease, stomach ulcers, and chronic pain.
Holding grudges can often mean holding anger and stress.
A 2021 large-scale study analyzed the daily emotional responses of over 20,000 people and found that “intense high-arousal negative emotions” such as anger and stress were associated with higher blood pressure (BP) and heart rate (HR) reactions.
On the other hand, “low-arousal positive emotions” such as calmness and serenity were associated with decreased blood pressure and heart rate reactions.
A 2016 study suggests that BP and HR reactivity can increase a person’s chance of developing high blood pressure and heart disease, as well as having lower cognitive function later in life.
Ruminating about past conversations and hurts has also been found to affect your mental health. A 2020 review found that ruminating can prolong and worsen negative moods and make you more vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.
In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges.
The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including:
- a need for validation
- moral superiority
- an inability to let go
- latency
- severing ties
- expectations of the future
If you’re having trouble moving past lingering anger and resentment, you can learn how to stop holding a grudge, heal, and move on. Here are some strategies you can try.
Meditation
Meditation has many science-based benefits, such as:
- reducing stress
- managing anxiety
- improving emotional health
- increasing self-awareness
These benefits can help you regulate your anger and stress while promoting calm and relaxation.
A regular meditation practice may help you work out some of the emotions behind your grudge, and over time help make those feelings more manageable.
There are several types of meditation you can try. Apps such as Calm and Headspace can help you ease into a meditation practice.
Journal
Journaling can be a great way to work through your feelings.
Getting your feelings out on paper can help take away some of their power. Try to write down everything that comes into your head about the other person.
A journal is a safe space for you to let out your feelings, and no one gets to see it but you.
There’s no time constraint or pressure with a journal. You can write in it as often or as little as you want.
Over time, you may be able to process your feelings around the grudge and start to move past it.
Write a letter but don’t send it
This classic therapeutic exercise can help you get your anger and resentment out in a healthy way.
Consider writing a letter addressed to the person you’re holding a grudge against. Don’t hold back. Be brutally honest about your feelings — don’t worry, they won’t ever read it.
After writing this letter, many people feel like a load has been lifted off their minds. The mere act of getting these feelings out can be just as satisfying as actually sending the letter.
To really help put the grudge to rest, destroy the letter — rip it up, bury it, or soak it in water until it disintegrates. As you watch your letter disappear, imagine your grudge is disappearing with it.
Change your perspective
Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Even months or years later, we’re so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective.
Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels.
Did they intentionally hurt you? Does your grudge stem from a pattern of feeling disrespected by this person? Is it possible their intentions were good, even if their actions had negative consequences for you?
Maybe it really was a one-time mistake.
This doesn’t help in every circumstance, of course. You’re entitled to your feelings, and you certainly don’t have to let this person back into your life. But it can be helpful to frame the situation in a new light.
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Can you think of something cruel or thoughtless or impulsive you said or did in the past? Something you regret, that still makes you cringe and wonder why you acted that way? Is there someone in your past who holds a grudge against you?
Maybe the person you’re holding a grudge against also feels guilty and regretful. Perhaps their hurtful actions stemmed from their own issues, and they would take it back if they could.
None of this excuses their behavior, but it may help you understand and start to make peace with it.
Practice forgiveness
Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget what happened, or that you’ve decided it wasn’t actually that bad. It simply means that you’re choosing to move on.
A 2021 study concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health.
But forgiveness isn’t always possible in every situation. If you’re a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss.
Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation.
Holding grudges is a common human phenomenon. It’s OK to be upset, angry, or sad when you feel that someone has hurt you.
If you’re holding a grudge and it’s affecting your mental or physical health, you’re not alone.
By devoting a little time and effort to letting go of your grudge, you can let go of these painful feelings and start to feel better.
If you need additional help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can provide you with helpful tools to manage your emotions and even resolve conflict if possible.
If you’re unsure where to start, you can check out Psych Central’s hub on finding mental health and support.
5 Ways to Stop Holding Grudges and Move On I Psych Central
Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings.
Holding a grudge happens when you can’t let go of feelings of anger or resentment toward someone who wronged you.
It can be in response to something that actually happened or a perceived threat or action against you.
When you feel that someone’s hurt you, it’s difficult to move past it right away — or ever. You may constantly think about that person or the incident, playing it over and over in your mind.
Holding these negative feelings and ruminating on them can affect you physically and emotionally. But there are ways to help you let go of your grudges and move on.
Research has found that holding grudges can be harmful to your health.
A 2009 study found that holding grudges was associated with poor physical health. People who reported “bearing grudges for years” were more likely to have medical issues such as heart disease, stomach ulcers, and chronic pain.
Holding grudges can often mean holding anger and stress.
A 2021 large-scale study analyzed the daily emotional responses of over 20,000 people and found that “intense high-arousal negative emotions” such as anger and stress were associated with higher blood pressure (BP) and heart rate (HR) reactions.
On the other hand, “low-arousal positive emotions” such as calmness and serenity were associated with decreased blood pressure and heart rate reactions.
A 2016 study suggests that BP and HR reactivity can increase a person’s chance of developing high blood pressure and heart disease, as well as having lower cognitive function later in life.
Ruminating about past conversations and hurts has also been found to affect your mental health. A 2020 review found that ruminating can prolong and worsen negative moods and make you more vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.
In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges.
The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including:
- a need for validation
- moral superiority
- an inability to let go
- latency
- severing ties
- expectations of the future
If you’re having trouble moving past lingering anger and resentment, you can learn how to stop holding a grudge, heal, and move on. Here are some strategies you can try.
Meditation
Meditation has many science-based benefits, such as:
- reducing stress
- managing anxiety
- improving emotional health
- increasing self-awareness
These benefits can help you regulate your anger and stress while promoting calm and relaxation.
A regular meditation practice may help you work out some of the emotions behind your grudge, and over time help make those feelings more manageable.
There are several types of meditation you can try. Apps such as Calm and Headspace can help you ease into a meditation practice.
Journal
Journaling can be a great way to work through your feelings.
Getting your feelings out on paper can help take away some of their power. Try to write down everything that comes into your head about the other person.
A journal is a safe space for you to let out your feelings, and no one gets to see it but you.
There’s no time constraint or pressure with a journal. You can write in it as often or as little as you want.
Over time, you may be able to process your feelings around the grudge and start to move past it.
Write a letter but don’t send it
This classic therapeutic exercise can help you get your anger and resentment out in a healthy way.
Consider writing a letter addressed to the person you’re holding a grudge against. Don’t hold back. Be brutally honest about your feelings — don’t worry, they won’t ever read it.
After writing this letter, many people feel like a load has been lifted off their minds. The mere act of getting these feelings out can be just as satisfying as actually sending the letter.
To really help put the grudge to rest, destroy the letter — rip it up, bury it, or soak it in water until it disintegrates. As you watch your letter disappear, imagine your grudge is disappearing with it.
Change your perspective
Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Even months or years later, we’re so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective.
Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels.
Did they intentionally hurt you? Does your grudge stem from a pattern of feeling disrespected by this person? Is it possible their intentions were good, even if their actions had negative consequences for you?
Maybe it really was a one-time mistake.
This doesn’t help in every circumstance, of course. You’re entitled to your feelings, and you certainly don’t have to let this person back into your life. But it can be helpful to frame the situation in a new light.
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Can you think of something cruel or thoughtless or impulsive you said or did in the past? Something you regret, that still makes you cringe and wonder why you acted that way? Is there someone in your past who holds a grudge against you?
Maybe the person you’re holding a grudge against also feels guilty and regretful. Perhaps their hurtful actions stemmed from their own issues, and they would take it back if they could.
None of this excuses their behavior, but it may help you understand and start to make peace with it.
Practice forgiveness
Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget what happened, or that you’ve decided it wasn’t actually that bad. It simply means that you’re choosing to move on.
A 2021 study concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health.
But forgiveness isn’t always possible in every situation. If you’re a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss.
Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation.
Holding grudges is a common human phenomenon. It’s OK to be upset, angry, or sad when you feel that someone has hurt you.
If you’re holding a grudge and it’s affecting your mental or physical health, you’re not alone.
By devoting a little time and effort to letting go of your grudge, you can let go of these painful feelings and start to feel better.
If you need additional help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can provide you with helpful tools to manage your emotions and even resolve conflict if possible.
If you’re unsure where to start, you can check out Psych Central’s hub on finding mental health and support.
How to deal with resentment? Stop living it!
Contents of the article
- 1 Why get rid of resentment?
- 2 Where does resentment come from and is it worth being offended at all?
- 3 5 steps in the fight against resentment
- 3.1 Step 1
- 3.2 Step 2
- 3.3 Step 3
- 3.4 Step 4
- 3.5 Step 5
- 4 Conclusion
The well-known saying “They carry water for the offended” will undoubtedly be relevant at all times. What is resentment? These are unrealized feelings and emotions in relation to some object. Resentment can be called displeasure, disappointment with how events are developing. Resentment is disagreement with the unfair treatment by others, insult, deceit or ingratitude. Why get rid of this feeling, because at first glance it does not carry anything bad? Such a funny "tautology" - harmless offense . But is it so harmless for our psyche, emotional state?
Why get rid of resentment?
Every illness has its own karmic causes.
Resentment is a powerful emotion that harms not only the one who is offended, but also the one who is offended. Tears involuntarily roll from resentment, my head starts to hurt. Resentment can absorb consciousness, disrupt the usual rhythm of human life. Recent studies by scientists suggest that hidden resentment can cause the growth of benign and malignant tumors.
The destructive effect is that resentment can worsen the mood not only of the bearer, but also of innocent people around. In theory, everything is clear, but why, when the moment of resentment comes, few can find the strength in themselves and let go of this feeling? Why do we cherish and cherish resentment so reverently inside ourselves, and when we are directly asked, “Are you offended?” or “Are you offended?” we are silent and want the interlocutor to take some measures to eliminate the cause of our poor health?
Where does resentment come from and is it worth being offended at all?
There are no practical advantages to being offended at all.
However, the one who is offended feels his importance for a while. Many lovers of being offended know that resentment is followed by persuasion, apologies and many other signs of attention, which, perhaps, a person lacks in everyday life. At first unconsciously, and then quite purposefully, a person evokes a feeling of resentment in himself. Often such people provoke scandals, showdowns, attract negative events, and react violently to any criticism. It is very important for them to have the moral right to be offended, as this gives them fleeting consolation and an increase in their own self-esteem. And yet, from the person who was offended, for some period of time, the demand will be, as it were, lower.
Unfortunately, not only the offender suffers from such a strategy, but also the one who is forced to constantly invent new reasons and be offended. This vicious circle should be broken, but in order to solve the problem, it must first be recognized. BrainApps offers step by step instructions on how to deal with resentment.
5 steps to deal with resentment
So, we found out that resentment is worth eradicating, as it poisons life. But how to overcome it, if it is firmly eaten and does not let go of consciousness? Indeed, without proper preparation, it will be a "troublesome business." Mentally scrolling through the situation that caused the offense in our head, we would be happy to let it go, but even the body does not obey us. Lips tighten more strongly, teeth creak, tears flow down the cheeks, in the soul there is a feeling of deep injustice. Familiar? Then it's time to take control of your emotions and learn to deal with them.
Step 1
To overcome resentment, you should analyze what caused it. Give a verbal description of the problem.
For example, not “Chief goat”, but “I was offended because I was sure that this month I would definitely receive a bonus. But it seemed to the boss that I was not efficient enough and he once again gave me a ride with a reward.
But I counted on him very much.”
It is best to materialize your observations, that is, write the reason for the offense on a piece of paper or tell someone. However, do not get carried away, do not try to dump your problems and grievances on strangers. It won't get any easier if they listen to you. It is best to talk about difficulties to friends or relatives who will find words for support. Someone to complain to? Record your story on a voice recorder. Perhaps you will feel a little better.
Step 2
Analyze the problem by asking yourself probing questions. Think about why the offender was unfair to you? What could have provoked his attitude? Did your words or actions provoke the wrongdoing of the offender? Be as cold as possible in reasoning, avoid insults and labeling. Mentally change places with the offender and play the situation step by step from start to finish.
Step 3
Imagine that this situation is the starting point. What are the exits? Usually it is enough just to talk with the offender, but not trying to take revenge on him, but calmly explain your motives.
By the way, if you used our advice and wrote the reason for your offense on a piece of paper, now you can tear this piece of paper or burn it. This materialization of getting rid of the problem is very effective.
Step 4
If you can't resolve the quarrel amicably and the offender doesn't think he's wrong, it can be very difficult to admit that you're wrong too. Be above your offender and forgive him. Let go of the situation with the world without showing your displeasure. You will be surprised how much easier it will be for you after that.
Step 5
Each time you successfully resolve a problem, thank the Universe for the lesson. From the point of view of psychology, every resentment overcome is a step towards a strong, confident personality.
Conclusion
Well, if after all the question remains: “But injustice continues to triumph, the “villain” is not punished!”. Well, then act, but coolly and decisively. Fight against the action and for the eradication of its consequences, and not against the personality of the offender.
And if you are completely hiding, and no methods help, then remember that revenge is a dish that is served cold.
how to overcome resentment and resentment?
Recently, in the article “Do not be offended! Resentment, resentment and their consequences ”I talked about where such an interesting and complex emotion as resentment comes from, and also how it differs from resentment.
Let me remind you that resentment is a feeling that occurs when our expectations from another person (or from the world) are not met. Resentment is repressed anger and is a rather childish emotion. However, she is quite natural, and if you get offended sometimes, that's okay.
But resentment is the desire to experience resentment, a constant return to this feeling. A person unconsciously only waits for something to be offended, taking almost everything personally. This is a mechanism that arises from childhood.
Touchy or not, you know the feeling of resentment anyway.
For all its naturalness, there is nothing useful or pleasant in it. Resentments prevent us from negotiating with people, prevent us from seeing the world as it is and generally reduce the quality of life. Therefore, I offer you a technique that will reduce the number of insults.
Recognize and acknowledge resentment
The first and most important way to deal with resentment is to acknowledge the feeling of resentment. I am sure you have come across a situation where a person was offended, but does not admit it. "Are you offended?" "Of course not. What would it be. It would be for someone. It just makes me uncomfortable." That is, the person ignores this feeling. And this closes the possibility of working with him.
The most touchy people often state, oddly enough, that “Resentment is not typical of me at all, I am not a touchy person at all”
The fact that people ignore their own feelings, such as resentment, is quite easy to notice from the outside.
It is much more difficult to realize the same in oneself. And yet, try to look after yourself, learn to track the feeling of resentment and recognize it. When you are asked if you are offended, do not rush to object. Ask yourself, is it true? And if you are not ready to admit to others, admit at least to yourself. “Yes, I was offended / offended. Yes, I am touchy / touchy. This will be a big step towards more constructive behavior.
Keep a journal of grievances
Once you have acknowledged that you have resentment, the next step is to analyze its causes and adjust the expectations that led to it. To do this, use the technique of "journal of grievances." Keeping a diary is generally a very good practice, and if you also keep a “journal of grievances” in it, it will be doubly useful. If you start to fill it regularly, touchiness soon decreases quite a lot. And it also helps with situational resentment.
An entry in the "journal of grievances" consists of four items or columns.
The first column describes the situation. Let's take the example that I analyzed in the last article: when I helped a person, and then turned to him with a similar request, he refused me and I was offended.
The second column is my unfulfilled expectations. In this situation, they lie in the fact that I expected the person to help me.
The third column is an error in the analysis. A very important point. Here I am trying to understand where this expectation came from in me. In this case, I understand that it was a projection error, that is, I projected ideas about myself onto the person. I would have helped in his place, and I believed that all people in my place should behave the same way. This is where the error lies.
The fourth column is the adjustment of expectations. Here you can prescribe that all people are different, everyone has different life values. That my acquaintance is not like me, he does not have a strong sense of gratitude.
He does not believe that if he was rendered a service, this imposes any obligations on him.
Such a gradual analysis of grievances, situations in which this feeling arises, allows you to make a picture of the world more realistic and objective, helps you adjust your expectations. And subsequently reduces the number of situations in which resentment arises.
Give the abuser feedback...or don't give it
If I worked out the situation of resentment against a person from a distant circle of communication, then feedback is not needed. Because in this case, the problem is not with him, but with me, and talking to him, calling for a sense of justice, evaluating his actions is pointless. It was I who had expectations, he did not promise me anything, so this is my own business. It's easier to stop talking, and perhaps that would be the wisest thing to do.
But if we are talking about family, close friends, then it is better to give feedback. It is highly advisable to take the time to sit down and talk to the person about what your expectations were.
Directly and openly tell that you expected this and that, it did not happen, you were upset / offended. And it is important to learn how to calmly talk about it and calmly listen to the answer, trying to understand how the partner sees the situation. And find common ground. After you have filled out the resentment log for the situation, most likely, some of your emotions will already subside and it will be easier for you to negotiate. It is very important that a situation does not arise in the family when everyone is silently offended, withdraws and stands his ground. This is how relationships break down.
Deal with resentment regularly
I like to say that strength is in constancy. And so I'll add a few more words. If you want to really work through the feeling of resentment in yourself, it is not enough to fill out the “resentment journal” a couple of times and express your complaints to your partner once. It is important to do regular work: be aware of your emotions, write out situations and talk with loved ones about your expectations.
