How to become honest with yourself
How to be honest with yourself
Mind & Meaning
4 tips to discover what you really want in life
Posted by: Team Tony
We all tell ourselves stories. They explain our emotions. They give meaning to our lives. They tell us how to react to certain situations and give us patterns to fall back on when we’re not sure what to do. The question is: are you telling yourself the full story? Do your stories serve you? Are you able to be honest with yourself, or are you using your stories to cover up your true feelings?
You can have a relationship, a job and friends when you’re not being honest with yourself. But you can never find true fulfillment. To make your life a masterpiece, you need to learn how to be honest with yourself – so that you can go after what you really want.
Why being honest with yourself is essential
It’s possible to live a whole life without realizing that you aren’t being honest with yourself. That’s because most people aren’t in touch with their emotions. If you want to live life to the fullest, don’t be one of those people. Once you master your emotions, find your purpose and begin to live your vision, you’ll discover a conviction and fearlessness you never could have imagined.
The most passionate relationships are those between two people who are completely honest with themselves and with each other. The most fulfilling careers happen when we are in touch with what we really want out of life. When you learn to be honest with yourself, you gain self-esteem, compassion and an unshakeable belief in yourself.
Signs that you need to be honest with yourself
If something feels “off” in your life – your relationship is losing passion, you’re not excited about your career or you feel busy but not productive – you may need to learn how to be honest with yourself. Do any of these signs apply to you?
You self-sabotage
Do you say you want one thing, but then do something that’s the complete opposite? Many of us sabotage ourselves because we’re actually afraid of success.
Our limiting beliefs tell us that we may lose respect, friendship or more if we gain success. Being honest with yourself means uncovering those beliefs, even if they’re painful.
You complain, but don’t take action
Do you constantly talk about hating your job, but don’t take any action to find a new one? Or love to complain about how there are no good men or women out there, but don’t bother trying to find new ways to meet people? It’s time to be honest with yourself: You enjoy the connection and attention you get from complaining, and haven’t truly made an effort to change your situation.
You don’t take criticism well
Do you become defensive whenever someone gives you feedback? If criticism feels like it hits too close to home, that’s probably because a part of you knows that it’s true. If you respond by getting defensive instead of looking within yourself, it could be a sign that you need to be honest with yourself.
How to be honest with yourself
Once you’ve identified that you need to be honest with yourself, it’s time to take action.
This won’t be pleasant – it might even be painful. But it will open up a new world of possibility and happiness.
1. Be vulnerable
There is nothing more courageous than allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love – and that includes self-love. Whether you’re working on a relationship with a significant other or your relationship with yourself, you’re going to have to open old wounds. Be willing to step into your pain so that you can face your fears head on.
2. Reflect on your decisions
Taking time out each day to reflect can not only help you be honest with yourself, but can make you feel more fulfilled and grateful. Try writing in a journal at the end of each day, answering questions like, what did I do right today? What can I do better tomorrow? How did my actions help me reach my ultimate goals – or prevent me from reaching them? When you write down your thoughts, it’s much harder to lie to yourself.
3. Picture your future
Learning how to be honest with yourself isn’t just about reflecting on your past. Dreaming of your ideal future can often provide more clarity on what you really want. When you are 90 years old and sitting in your rocking chair, what will be your biggest regret in life? What will give you the most fulfillment? When you frame your life this way, you begin to see what really matters to you.
4. Develop self-awareness
Have you ever told someone, “You know me better than I know myself”? It may be true. Others see things in us that we aren’t able to see, but if we’re willing to ask for outside opinions, we can become more self-aware. Tony says, “Self awareness is one of the rarest of human commodities.” When you become aware of your own patterns – when you know why you are the way you are – you can finally begin to be honest with yourself.
Team Tony
Team Tony cultivates, curates and shares Tony Robbins’ stories and core principles, to help others achieve an extraordinary life.
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5 Real Ways to be More Honest With Yourself (With Examples)
Imagine this. Your friend just lied to you. You’re immediately upset and can’t understand why they don’t trust you enough to just tell you the truth. Why then are we so okay with lying to ourselves? And how can we be more honest with ourselves?
This is a question I’ve struggled with personally for decades. While living in a world wearing rose-colored glasses definitely has its appeal, I’m learning that not being honest with yourself comes at the cost of living up to your full potential. And if we shy away from the truth, we miss out on the chance to learn and grow.
If you’re ready to start being honest with yourself, then reading this article will give you clear steps for how you can embrace your truth.
Contents
- Why should you be honest with yourself?
- Dishonesty with yourself comes at a cost
- 5 ways to start being honest with yourself
- 1. Stop putting off dreams until tomorrow
- 2. Own up to your mistakes
- 3. Don’t shrug off your feelings
- 4. Realize you don’t know everything (and that’s okay)
- 5. Find a loved one to give you honest feedback
- Wrapping up
Why should you be honest with yourself?
I read that statement and think to myself, “This really isn’t a question we should have to ask.”. But I’m human. And I like it when science can persuade me to do the things I know I should be doing.
Researchers found that individuals who prioritized honesty and integrity had healthier and longer lifespans. They also discovered that these two factors were predictors of your mental and physical well-being.
If improved health isn’t enough to convince you to be honest with yourself, you may also be curious to know that research indicates honesty with oneself is related to a greater sense of fulfillment in an individual’s career.
If being honest with ourselves results in a longer life where we enjoy our work, then it becomes awfully hard to build a case for continuing to remain dishonest.
Dishonesty with yourself comes at a cost
So we know that being honest has a whole slew of benefits, but what did researchers actually find when it comes to the effects of dishonesty?
A study in 2015 demonstrated that dishonesty results in increased cortisol reactivity. And consequently, your blood pressure and heart rate will increase. This can negatively impact your overall health, especially if you are living in a state of consistent dishonesty that chronically elevates these vital signs.
Beyond science, all I have to do is recall the times I have not been honest with myself and remember how that made me feel. Being dishonest with yourself simply does not feel good.
I have lost sleep. I have thrown up and broken out in hives. All because I simply would not face my truth.
The cost of dishonesty with yourself is far too high.
And with inflation increasing, the last thing I’m looking to do is add another expense to my list.
💡 By the way: Do you find it hard to be happy and in control of your life? It may not be your fault. If you want to start feeling better, we've condensed the information of 100's of our articles into a 10-step mental health cheat sheet to help you be more in control. 👇
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5 ways to start being honest with yourself
When we create habitual thought patterns, it can be overwhelming to try to figure out how to break the cycle. So let’s dive in and give you some guidance on how you can start to live in a state of full transparency with yourself.
1. Stop putting off dreams until tomorrow
Perhaps the biggest lie I have told myself over and over again is that I am not worthy of my dreams.
The second biggest lie is that “I can always start to chase that dream tomorrow”.
In my life, I have become far too accustomed to that little voice in my head that keeps me from really “going for it”. I come up with excuse after excuse for not pursuing my dreams.
It took me 5 years before I was comfortable sharing my writing publicly with others. I told myself lies like, “You’re not good enough”. “No one wants to read what you have to write”.
But once I got honest with myself, I realized that these weren’t my actual fears. What I was really afraid of was writing a piece and having someone close to me find it laughable. I was afraid of being made fun of for pursuing my creative craft.
That was 5 years of my life that I didn’t pursue my passion because I wasn’t honest with myself. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Be honest about what’s holding you back and start chasing that dream now.
2. Own up to your mistakes
Now this one stings. Just reading that subtitle makes me slightly uncomfortable.
But living an authentic life means taking responsibility for the good and the bad that you do. If you avoid the truth and act as though you did nothing, this often places you in a worse position than if you had owned up to your mistake.
I remember I was deathly afraid of owning up to a mistake I made at work. I literally lost sleep over this mistake and kept telling myself that it was better to just let time do its thing instead of admitting it was my fault.
Many sleep-deprived nights later, I finally made the decision that I had to tell my boss about my slip-up. And guess what? My boss was insanely kind and understanding about the whole thing.
Here I was consuming excessive amounts of caffeine to make up for a lack of sleep over not owning up to a mistake my boss didn’t even flinch at. While I know not every situation will end with this happy ending, I can attest to the relief of being honest and owning your mistakes.
If you want more tips, here's our article on how to take responsibility for your actions.
3. Don’t shrug off your feelings
Yes, we are going to talk about your feelings. Because in today’s society of half-hearted “I’m fine” answers, the least we can do is actually be honest with ourselves about our feelings.
When you constantly avoid how you are feeling, the feeling only amplifies. This is because your emotions are designed to be action signals.
So if you ignore the signal over and over again, eventually it will get so loud that you have to listen. And this is when you can experience a full-on nervous breakdown or panic attack if you’re me.
Trust me on this one, being honest and admitting what you’re feeling is the first step to starting to change that emotion to the one you actually want to be feeling.
So instead of stuffing your feelings deep down, have the courage to honestly face them and listen to what they want to tell you.
Here are more tips on how to be more in touch with your emotions.
4. Realize you don’t know everything (and that’s okay)
I had to take my know-it-all hat off and put it in the closet for this one.
I’m only half-joking.
Sometimes we are not being honest with ourselves about what we don’t know. And this is when imposter syndrome can really start to creep in.
But what is not discussed is the power that can come from admitting that you don’t know it all. Embracing a growth mindset typically causes more people to be drawn to you and want to engage with what you have to offer because they know you’re not trying to schmooze them over.
When I was first starting to practice as a PT, I thought I had to appear flawlessly confident and have all the answers for the patient in front of me. Through trial and error, I learned that being honest with both myself and my patient about what I did not know actually fostered a better relationship between us.
When we were able to grow together and find answers together, they understood that I was really invested in their care. So maybe it’s time that we put the know-it-all cap in storage. Or better yet, throw it away.
Being more honest about the things you don't know also helps you overcome the Dunning-Kruger effect.
5. Find a loved one to give you honest feedback
If you really can’t seem to find a way to be honest with yourself, then it’s time to find a trusted loved one to tell you how it really is.
This means you need someone who is not afraid to “hurt your feelings” and cares enough to be authentically raw with their feedback.
This one can be tough to implement. Remember that story about me not wanting to share my writing publicly? Well, let me tell you another piece of the story.
After realizing that I was really afraid of people making fun of me for my writing, I still didn’t have the full courage to just jump in. I asked my best friend to give me truthful feedback about what I should do.
She prefaced her feedback with an, “Are you sure you really want to know?” statement. At that point, I knew I needed to brace myself for what came next.
She told me that I was wasting away my life if I wasn’t going after what really inspires me. She said being afraid of what others think is the lamest excuse on planet earth for not pursuing something you love.
And that did it. I got honest with myself and started sharing my writing.
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Wrapping up
It’s time to tell the truth. Not just to others, but to the person you’re stuck with for life: yourself. While starting to be honest with yourself can be a bit brutal at first, the limitless possibilities that come from pursuing your most authentic self are well worth the initial discomfort. And as cliche as it may sound, I know you will find that the truth really does set you free.
Are you completely honest with yourself? Or do you find it hard to live authentically and face the truth at all times? I'd love to hear what you think in the comments below!
Ashley Kaiser Writer
Physical therapist, writer, and outdoor enthusiast from Arizona.
Self-proclaimed dark chocolate addict and full-time adrenaline junkie. Obsessed with my dog and depending on the day my husband, too.
Honesty in everything, or why you shouldn't lie at least to yourself — Work.ua
Many problems are born, grow and develop exclusively in our head. And the reason for that is lies.
The most important relationship in the life of every person is the relationship with oneself. If you do not respect yourself, consider yourself a loser or a person who is not able to change his life, others will treat you in the same way. The same goes for lies. People who deceive themselves cannot be honest with others. Work.ua will tell you why it is so important to be honest in your relationship with yourself.
You can't run away from yourself
A hackneyed old phrase, which is hard to find more precise. No matter how hard you try to persuade yourself that you feel good and comfortable, no matter how hard you try to make sure that you are doing everything right, if this is not true, such efforts will be in vain.
For example, you have a job. Not exactly beloved, but you can endure: every day to persuade yourself that it is necessary, to cherish the hope that in the future it will be better. When winter begins, it becomes easier, they fire the old accountant, and we’ll live, raise our salaries, go on vacation ... And while you are convincing yourself of all this, hundreds of new opportunities fly by that you simply don’t notice, because you are busy complacency and suggestion.
Why not take an honest look in the mirror and admit that every day you do something that you stopped loving a long time ago? As soon as you analyze the situation with a cool head and, without pretense and embellishment, figure out what prevents you from living comfortably, the decision on how to change everything will come by itself.
One life
Oh, if only it were possible to live several lives! Here you are a careerist whose goal is to conquer the whole world, here you are a diligent family man, there you are a careless traveler, and so on.
The only pity is that reality dictates completely different rules to us. Because of this, we oppress our inner desires for the sake of public opinion, upbringing, the limits of decency, the list is endless. And if, God forbid, you live the way you want, then you are a deep egoist who loves only himself.
Of course, ideally, you should try to find a happy medium. Therefore, it is very important to listen to yourself.
Day in and day out, working in an environment you don't like, doing tasks you don't like, interacting with colleagues you don't understand, you destroy your hopes and dreams. You drown out your Self. And in the end it results in burnout, terrible fatigue, stress, scandals in the family and complete misunderstanding on the part of loved ones.
Follow your dreams
That's why it's important to seek and find balance in your career, family and hobbies. That's why we talk about dream jobs so often. That is the kind of work you should be doing. The one without which life does not seem complete, which helps you grow and develop.
Unprestigious, unpopular, unclaimed, so be it! But this will not always be the case. When you are sick of what you do, sooner or later your work will bear fruit.
Tech empires and corporations also started with a dream. In medicine, it was eccentrics who made revolutionary breakthroughs. Because, in spite of everything, they followed their calling, did not build illusions, but systematically and confidently walked along the chosen path.
Be honest with yourself, believe in yourself the way Work.ua believes in you, and remember that you can do anything! Or maybe even more.
Read also:
How to survive if your dream job does not feed you You must be logged in to leave a comment.
Honesty with yourself. The right questions for yourself. Why be honest?
Lately I've been very fond of honesty with myself. Because it's incredibly effective.
There was a post on the blog - "Starting from the truth.
" At some point, it dawned on me that truth and lies to myself, illusions are like hard asphalt and a swamp. From the first one, you can push off and jump, rise HIGHER than you are now. In the second, you sink deeper and deeper - lower than you are, and often you drag others along with you.
And then I fell in love with asking myself questions that require honest answers.
At first it was difficult, sometimes painful, unpleasant. But then I got used to it, it went.
As a result - a minimum of internal dialogues, the absence of hanging in some story for years, movement in the direction you need.
First of all, this is a topic about "Crowns" in the terminology of Evolution - complexes of psycho-defenses that hide the truth from us and lead us into illusions, where we are more significant than we really are. About modesty, as the opposite of them.
Only being modest, without pride (not holding on to your real and imaginary achievements and inflated significance), you can ask yourself ANY questions, even the most unpleasant ones, directly.
Otherwise it's scary. Suddenly the truth will be unpleasant. Better not start.
I remember, after reading Evolution for three years, I sat down and wrote “life without crowns” — all past and current key events, especially personal relationships. Not the way it always seemed to me, but the way it was and is in reality. Of course, at the level that is understandable to me, it is still difficult to reflect on if there have always been psycho-protections, and quite strong ones, and still exist. This is a very exciting activity. Do it if you wish. It is the theories of Evolution, which provide clear tools, that make it possible to effectively introduce honesty with oneself into practice.
It was a huge relief and release of a lot of energy. There was no need to drag with you all this load of stories, where you are allegedly on a horse, higher, grandiose, smarter and stronger than others. But in fact, none of this happened, or they didn’t want you, or both didn’t burn much, or something else, but not in the way that everything was “combed” in your favor before.
This is freedom - to more truly see your significance for this or that person, to see your dependencies, where you cling to someone or something, your depreciation, your stickiness, your egocentrism, infantilism, your own hunger, the roots of recurring problems. See where you don't respect other people. Where you don't respect yourself. Where you acted like a fool / fool. Remove your important “yes, how could he”, “yes, how dare he” about different situations or people, remove your insults. Finally to see other people - their interests and their desires. To see your real, not retractable emotion for some reason. See how bad or good you are in certain areas of your life.
After that, something can be done about all this.
Otherwise you are doomed to wander around the three pines for years. Again and again experience situations that drain you, in which “everything is somehow wrong”, in which it “seems” to you that you are not loved, in which you are weak, and you don’t understand what you need to do to become strong.
But you have to understand that to see the truth is to be ready for anything. And not only to the desired, but to close from the rest.
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If you are currently in a difficult situation, a problem, depression, an energy hole, you should admit all this to yourself. Evolution has one of the very first articles - "5 steps to get out of the f * py" (energy pit). And there it is:
“Step 1. Realize that you are a f*ck.
Despite the fact that it is always quite crowded, stuffy and dark in the living quarters, many people deny that they are in it.
Some even insist that this is security and comfort, and everyone who lives otherwise suffers.
That is, to realize one's frustration is already half the battle, but usually it is difficult, because a person has already forgotten how it happens otherwise and cannot recreate another state on a sensual level and cannot imagine.
However, until you realize that this is f*ck, you won’t make a step out of it.”
(C) Evolution
Deception of ourselves
We often deceive ourselves, do not tell the truth, exaggerate, devalue ourselves. It seems to us that everything is not at all what it really is.
Seems sincere. After all, we really want it to be so, so we “slightly” change the reality to suit us.
I’m tired of work, I don’t like it, I feel sick, I’m depressed, my health is falling apart, I really want to change my occupation, but we’ll say to our teenage child “I’m a cool specialist, unlike many others, at least I have a normal job, and you, too, go to a promising legal profession."
The man obviously doesn't love, he is often irritated and aggressive, but we begin to persuade ourselves - "Well, he bought flowers for February 14, so he loves, everything is fine, but it will be even better.
"
"Yes, doing exercises every day is very useful, I live like that." But, if you hang a checklist, it will be 2 times a week at best.
"I do 5 pull-ups." But if you try, you will hardly do it alone. And 5 times was 3 years ago.
“I have a lot of friends” - but if you think about it, there will be 1-2 people who can borrow money or help with the move.
“I regularly drink vitamins, I really love this business.” But in fact, I didn’t buy it for 2 years, because .. (it doesn’t matter why, it’s important that reality does not correspond to fiction or boasting).
“Here you are attached” — you think about your friend. Although initially it was you who first began to save her, and became attached to her with your dependence on whether she would fulfill your recommendations or not.
"That's impossible." And in fact? Of course available. It just takes years and years of hard work. But perhaps.
"I really don't want to go to these stupid job interviews.
" How about really? If there were no problems with work, if you were a sought-after specialist, there would not even be a question - to go or not to go, you would still have many offers from different places in your old place. And if they are “stupid”, there must have been quite a lot of negative experience. You might be like, but unpleasant. Why?
"Friends should support each other in everything." Is it true? And if another person thinks otherwise, does he have a different view on this issue?
All these parallel realities flow like streams into one big one. And as a result, we live somewhere in an incomprehensible non-existent world, where everything is much better than it actually is. And reality constantly pulls us back, and often it is very painful.
It is very harmful to exaggerate, puff up, show off, gain weight in front of others, but more importantly, do not do this in front of yourself.
You don't need to tell everyone how you really feel about anything that happens in reality - all your dissatisfaction and internal problems.
Do not confuse being rude and brash with honesty, or whining with honesty.
But at least not to shine where it doesn’t exist, not to show off in front of others, not to collect likes while being in jo.e - this is the normal behavior of a person who sees reality, and does not hover somewhere it is not clear where, and soon fall painfully.
Most people live a completely ordinary, normal life, in which there is nothing bad, but for some reason they often want to pass it off not even as just good, but as ideal in all moments, they constantly show all this enthusiasm and deliberate joy, all this revelry moment captured on Instagram.
It takes a lot of energy to constantly maintain this grandiosity of yourself and your life.
I really like self-development trainings, such as “Brighter” and others, because there they ask you “uncomfortable questions” directly:
— What do you want?
— How much of what do you owe someone daily?
— Who do you consider responsible for certain situations that occur in your life?
- Dissatisfied with what?
- What are the problems in dealing with people?
- Where are you constantly trying to control others?
- Where are you offended?
— Whom do you often condemn?
- Who do you envy?
- What are you ashamed of?
- Where do you consider yourself superior?
- What are you afraid of?
— Who do you think is to blame for your problems?
— What do you think about money?
— Where do you get cheap dopamine for yourself?
- What are the dependencies?
- What's with the money?
- How much debt?
- Do you live in plus or in minus?
— Are you taking on someone else's responsibility?
- Do you suffer from the fact that it is outside the zone of your influence and control?
— What are your strengths and weaknesses?
— What 20% bring you the most money, pleasure in life, happiness?
- Do you exercise enough?
- How long do you rest?
— How much energy do you have daily?
And so on.
You sit and strain as hard as you can, giving honest answers (because you paid and because otherwise you won't be able to move on to the next lesson).
Freewriting helps a lot.
Esoteric view of honesty from Alexander Palienko:
“Honesty with oneself works the same as “repentance” in religion. When we admit something to ourselves, “it” comes out and ceases to be “ours”.
This is how we get rid of old energies and states.
However, we need to do this not from the mind, but from sensations!
By allowing ourselves to admit what we feel, we create the conditions under which our immunity will instantly destroy any virus, microbe or cancer cell. Moreover, their energy will pass to us, and we will become stronger, because, recognizing our states and emotions, we are in unison with our program.”
(С) Alexander Palienko
Questions for yourself
These are great questions, you don't need any others. These are enough to try to unwind the tangles of problematic situations that cause discontent.
- Really?
- Is this true? Is it so?
- Why?
- Why? Why am I doing this? Why do I need it? Why am I sick? Why am I staying overweight? Why am I sitting at home alone? Why am I making little money? For what?
— And?
- And what am I going to do about it?
- What can I do to get better in this situation?
Ideally, develop the habit of always being honest with yourself and others.
Learn not to lie, not to brag, not to wishful thinking.
Don't whine, but don't embellish either.
Saying “I'm fine”, “I'm fine” is normal. And to go into non-existent (exaggerated) details is already fraught with oneself.
And it's better not to say something behind your back that you wouldn't say to their face.
All this saves a lot of energy for psycho-protection, hiding dissonances and covering up traces.
When you are honest with yourself, you see the front of work.
It becomes clear to you WHAT to work on. A light in the end of a tunnel. You don't spin a bunch of lies around the real reason. You don’t need to peel off layers, like with cabbage, to get to the stalk - to the root and essence of the situation, the problem.
Honesty gives us strength.
Here Leo Tolstoy tried to be honest with himself. True, it would be nice to put the question “And?” next to each such item in the diary.
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