Narcissists and friendship
7 Indicators of a Narcissistic Friend
Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on July 19, 2019
Dawn ran into the grocery store to grab a few things after a long day of work when she bumped into a friend. Where have you been? Its so good to see you? her friend inquired.
You know work, family, kids. Weve been so busy lately, Dawn quickly replied while knowing that what she said was wrong. Unable to examine it at that moment she put the thought out of her head until she was alone in her car.
Why hadnt she seen her friend? How long had it been? Just then her friend Barb came to mind. Barb had dominated so much of her time lately with large amounts of drama in her life. There were dozens of text messages daily, phone conversations on the way to and from work, late-night drinks, and random drop overs. Dawn was so consumed by Barbs life that she had no time for other friends and less time for her family. So, she decided to confront Barb to set a more realistic boundary.
Barb immediately blamed Dawns husband for the confrontation saying that he didnt understand their close bond. When Dawn said no, that it came from a passing commend of another friend, Barb insisted on knowing the details and then slammed the friend for being jealous. Then, Dawn tried to express that this was her decision. Barb replied, Fine, abandon me, just like everyone else, I always knew you would.
Confused by the interaction, Dawn shutdown trying to pacify Barb. Within minutes, Dawn gave up on her boundaries and gave into Barbs demands substituting her need for space with Barbs need for attention. Barb changed direction again, now becoming charming, talking about how important Dawn was to her and that she is the closest friend she ever had.
If this sounds familiar, you might have a narcissistic friend. Here are seven indicators:
- Has unreasonable expectations. The narcissist expects their friend to meet all of their emotional needs. A friend is required to anticipate what, how, and when the narcissist needs admiration and adoration.
This is a one-way street where the friend gives support, the narcissist takes, and there is no return. In addition, the narcissists appetite is not satisfied, the more the friend gives, the more that is expected. - Blames, projects, and guilt-trips. The narcissist projects their negative characteristics onto their friend. The narcissist says the friend is needy, never satisfied, ungrateful, doesnt apologize, selfish, and has unreasonable expectations. They might also belittle their friend by pointing out their flaws in front of others, taking a minor infraction and turning it into a major event, and highlighting intelligence gaps so the narcissist looks superior. Yet others have not verbalized any such complaints about the friend.
- Is very jealous. The narcissist is jealous of anyone or thing that has the friends attention over them. This includes spouses, children, pets, friends, family, and occupation. They will frequently demand attention at the same time the friend is engaged with someone else, talking on the phone, working on a project, or doing an activity with others.
Their jealousy triggers intense rage for which the friend is subsequently blamed. - Does an abusive cycle. The narcissist will provoke the friend to leave by being cruel and/or abusive during an argument. This accomplishes two things: it verifies that the friend will, in fact, one day abandon the narcissist and it sets the narcissist up to be the victim. Either way, the narcissist has gained more ammunition to use against their friend. The narcissist will not take any responsibility for the aggravation.
- Does abusive behavior. The narcissist punishes the friend with abuse or neglect. The abuse can be physical (breaking valuables), emotional (guilt-tripping), financial (expecting the friend to pay), sexual (shaming), spiritual (used God to justify), verbal (name-calling), or mental (twisting the truth). Or they will withhold love, attention, support, and communication. There is nothing unconditional about their love, it is very performance-driven.
Trying to address the abuse is like pouring gasoline onto a fire. - Uses threatening behavior. The narcissist threatens abandonment, exposure, or rejection if the friend wont comply with their wishes. Most likely, the friend has one or more of these insecurities, which is why the narcissist targeted them for friendship in the first place. These fears tend to keep a person in the relationship longer. Most of this type of behavior is triggered when the narcissist believes that they are entitled to something that they dont have. Its a form of an adult temper tantrum.
- Faked remorse. The narcissist uses remorse as a manipulation tool. Real remorse takes time to implement in order for trust to be regained. The narcissist will expect an immediate return to the same level of trust as before. Any mention of the past behavior will incite the narcissist and they will claim the friend is being unforgiving. This, of course, justifies them doing the action again.
Once Dawn identified her friend Barb as a narcissist, she was able to be firmer on her boundaries. Since Barb was unwilling to admit to any wrongdoing and averse to changing her behavior, Dawn made the decision to end the friendship. This brought its own challenges, but in the end, she was able to move forward in a healthy manner.
How Do Narcissists Treat Their Friends? Spoiler, Not Good!
Last Updated on February 16, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
How do Narcissists treat their friends? The same way they treat everyone else – not great. Narcissists are not conscious of their character traits. What you will find is that the relationship is very one-sided, as in it’s all about them.
As much as the narcissist tries to act as if they care about their friends, their actions make it clear that their wants and needs are all they are concerned about.
If you are reading this, you’ve probably seen some red flags and you have started asking yourself questions like, can narcissists have friends? Or, do narcissists have true friends? The answer is found in the way they treat the people in their inner circle.
Table of Contents:
- Narcissists and Friendship
- How Do Narcissists Treat Their Friends?
- Do Some People Attract Narcissistic Friends?
- 9 Signs your friend is a Narcissist
- How to Deal With a Narcissistic Friend?
- Final Thoughts About Narcissistic Friendships
Narcissists and Friendship
What is a True Friendship?
Let’s start by defining true friendship; according to experts, a true friendship consists of seven pillars: Empathy, trust, selflessness, team players, humor, shared interests, and different perspectives. However, for the purpose of this article, I will focus on empathy, trust, and selflessness.
Empathy: Empathy in a friendship means that when one person is discussing an issue, the other person listens, accepts what they are saying and tries to see things from their perspective.
Trust: In order to build trust in a relationship, their must be a level of openness and vulnerability.
Friends should trust that they can tell each other anything without being afraid that their business will end up all over social media.
Selflessness: True friends will do anything for each other, they will cancel plans, take a flight, give the shirt off their back to ensure that they are giving their friend the support that they need.
Do Narcissists Have Friends?
Yes, but as you have read from the definition of friendship, the nature of their condition does not allow narcissists to have true friends. Narcissists have a lack of empathy, they may sit and listen to a friend’s problems, but they will quickly make that conversation about themselves.
Even if it means lying, the narcissist will start talking about how they had a similar problem but that it was much worse. The other person soon becomes irrelevant as the narcissist shamelessly dominates the discussion with tales of their adventurous life.
Reading Suggestion: How to Make a Narcissist Come Crawling Back?
Narcissists hate the idea of vulnerability, they will never open up to a friend because for one, they don’t understand themselves enough to do so.
And two, narcissism is all about keeping up a facade, in the narcissists world, they don’t have problems.
There is no such thing as selflessness to a narcissist, it’s all about them. Even if a friend were to call and ask for a favor and they were more than capable of doing it, the response would be a swift, “No” followed by an elaborate excuse as to why.
Can Narcissists be Good Friends?
Friendship is a two-way street of give-and-take; it is built on mutual trust, loyalty, and empathy. By definition, narcissists have a lack of empathy and seldom are trustworthy or loyal, and therefore, incapable of being a genuine friend.
Like an addict, the narcissist has only one goal in mind- to secure sources of Narcissistic Supply. He or she does not need friendship with others for friendship’s sake. To the narcissist, people are simply instruments to be manipulated for the sole purpose of producing Narcissistic Supply.
Typically, the narcissistic cycle involves over-valuing people whom they refer to as friends (as they are considered potential sources of Supply), using them, devaluing them (when the friends no longer are a good source of Supply), and then inexplicably discarding them.
Can Narcissists Have Long Term Friendships?
Narcissists don’t have actual friends. They surround themselves with acquaintances (or a posse) that they refer to as “friends”. Their friends enter and exit frequently in their life, throughout their lifetime, often very rapidly.
People may initially think that they are in a friendship, but soon learn they are instead in a one-way relationship whose only purpose is to gratify the narcissist’s need for a “fix” of Supply. If and when the “friend” looks for a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist becomes distant and nonchalantly ends the relationship.
Needless to say, this results in confusion for those unfortunate enough to have been lured into feigned friendship by a narcissist. As soon as the narcissist deems the friendship is coming to an end (if not sooner), he or she then begins to seek out other “friends” to become sources of Supply and the cycle continues.
How Do Narcissists Treat Their Friends?
A narcissistic friend sees himself or herself as superior, “special” compared to others.
In order to maintain that superior position, he or she frequently devalues other people and actively tries to make them feel inferior.
The narcissist usually demands to be the center of attention and feels betrayed if their friends don’t follow his or her lead or plans. A narcissistic friend will expect you to hold the same opinions as them and not disagree.
Interestingly, a narcissist usually has low self-esteem which he or she tries to keep hidden from the world. This is manifested in difficulty accepting criticism, feeling embarrassed or ashamed of some aspect of himself, is easily hurt and feels rejection strongly. A narcissistic friend who doesn’t exhibit those symptoms externally might instead appear to be unemotional or detached.
Everyone who has ever had a friend as a narcissist will be able to sit down over coffee and discuss the dynamics of the relationship because their experiences will be the same.
9 Signs Your Friends is a Narcissist
Here are 9 signs that your friend is a narcissist to help you recognize them.
1. They Don’t Like Advice
When you offer a narcissist advice, they get defensive. As far as they are concerned, they know everything and they don’t need people telling them what to do. Another reason why narcissists get offended when you give them advice is that they interpret it as criticism. In the narcissist’s world, they are perfect, they don’t have any flaws and anyone who challenges this perceived image is seen as an enemy.
2. Their Behaviour is Extreme
In the same way a narcissist will love bomb a romantic partner, they will do the same to their friends. When you first became friends, all you heard was how amazing you were, all your ideas were brilliant and you felt on top of the world when you were with them.
Slowly, the indirect insults started, your ideas were more likely to become a disaster than a success. Your clothes don’t look as good anymore and your skin is terrible. However, all the insults are thrown out with a hint of sarcasm so you are not sure whether they are serious or not.
Every so often, your narcissistic friend will give you a compliment and you will feel that boost again.
3. They Will Remind You of What They’ve Done For You
If a narcissist ever does you a favour, you will hear about it for the rest of the year. They will announce it whenever they get the opportunity, and if you ever dare and say “no” to one of their ridiculous requests, they will remind you of that one favour they did for you.
This is one of the character traits of a communal narcissist; it is a type of narcissism where the person feels they have a superior ability to connect with others because of the things they do for them.
4. Their Way or the High Way
Narcissists don’t know how to compromise, which means that you can’t have your own opinion when you are around them. Narcissists think they know everything, so if they give you advice and you don’t take it, hell hath no fury like a narcissist scored!
5. You Feel Drained When You Are With Them
As cruel as narcissists can be, they know how to have a good time.
They buy their friends lavish gifts, they tell exciting and jaw-dropping stories and they are always the life and soul of every party. However, this doesn’t last, as soon as they’ve got what they want from the friendship, they will switch on you.
Once they feel they’ve given you some of their energy by being the great entertainer, they want a return on their investment, and if they don’t get it, you’ll get it!. To get their supply, they become very demanding, and being around them is no longer exciting; in fact, it’s draining. When you leave their presence, you feel exhausted and undermined.
6. They Talk About People Behind Their Backs
Narcissists don’t know the meaning of the word ‘loyalty.’ If you’ve got mutual friends, as soon as they have some juicy gossip, they will tell you all about it. Additionally, they are never happy for anyone when they have good news. They will find something to poke at. On the other hand, when something bad happens, they are ecstatic about it.
7. The Narcissist is Self Adsorbed
The narcissistic friend is completely self-absorbed. Everything in his or her environment- absolutely everything- is about him/her.
He or she will talk endlessly about and re-direct conversations back to, his or her own personal experiences, accomplishments, achievements, (successful) investments, (perfect) family and so on. Narcissists boast, flaunt, and even parade on their imaginary stage to catch the spotlight. You will always remain in his or her shadow.
8. They Have a Lack of Empathy
A narcissistic friend will demonstrate a significant lack of empathy. A lack of empathy is one of the most defining characteristics of a narcissist. He cannot put himself (or herself) in another person’s shoes or understand the other person’s feelings. The narcissist did not develop this ability as they were growing up. Do not expect that he or she will develop empathy as an adult.
9. They are Manipulative
Narcissists are cold and manipulative underneath their outward mask of warmth.
They appear warm and charismatic in the beginning and in public.
But once they feel secure in their ability to get Supply from you, they start “forgetting” to call you, not showing up when they said they would, nonchalantly opting at the last minute to do something else with another person-sometimes not even bothering to cancel their plans with you. They are incapable of genuine warmth or putting your needs first
Do Some People Attract Narcissistic Friends?
Yes! According to psychologist Dr. Dana Dorfman, there are several groups of people who attract narcissists, here are some of them:
People Who Were Raised by Narcissists
The individual raised by a narcissistic parent will subconsciously seek out similar relationships whether platonic or romantic. Our emotional minds are drawn to familiarity, and this causes us to repeat behavioral patterns.
Empathetic People
Narcissists and empaths are drawn to each other because they have the ability to feel on a level that they don’t, and they are an easy source of supply.
Empaths are naturally inclined to want to heal people, as a result, they will subject themselves to abusive relationships in the hopes that one day, their kindness will pay off, and the narcissist will become the loving and caring person they were destined to be.
People With Low Self-Esteem
On some level, the majority of people suffer from low self-esteem. No matter how well-accomplished or attractive you are, we live in a society that promotes eternal dissatisfaction, and many people fall victim to this.
However, there are some men and women are more susceptible to it than others, and live in a perpetual state of feeling down about themselves.
They settle for relationships that don’t serve them because deep down, they don’t feel they deserve any better. Narcissists love people with low-self esteem because they are more likely to yield to their demands.
People Pleasers
People-pleasing stems from a combination of low self-esteem and a fear of rejection.
People who don’t value themselves are going to look for validation from others and will do anything to make people happy to get it.
Additionally, they are so afraid of being rejected, that they will agree to the person’s every demand in fear of losing them.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Friend?
Narcissists are notoriously difficult to deal with, and I am in no way suggesting that you end the narcissistic friendship, especially if you feel it is worth keeping. After all, narcissists are people too, and even if they don’t act like it, they do have feelings.
To start, how you handle the situation will depend on the extent of your friends narcissism. You see, narcissism is a spectrum disorder which means there are levels to it.
At the extreme end, you might want to cut your losses and leave, but if your friend is a low to medium spectrum narcissist, there are strategies you can implement to ensure your friendship remains relatively healthy:
1.
Don’t Stoop to Their LevelNarcissists can be pretty mean at times, whether its through direct insults, sly comments or the way they treat other people, you might find yourself getting frustrated with your narcissist friend.
Instead of fighting fire with fire, treat them with kindness at all times. You can gently let your friend know that you are not impressed with their behaviour, but leave it at that.
2. Create Boundaries
Narcissists don’t like boundaries, they think they have a special privilege to everyone’s time and space. If you are going to keep your sanity, you will need to put boundaries in place.
You can do this discreetly by keeping your phone on ‘do not disturb’ so they can’t reach you any time they feel like it.
3. Suggest Counselling
Narcissists are wounded people and their behavior is the result of deep-rooted psychological issues. Despite their confident outer appearance, they suffer from very low esteem.
You can’t just come out and tell your narcissist friend that they need counseling, but you can suggest that you are thinking about seeing a therapist and you need moral support.
In this way, you’ve planted a seed and given them something to think about. At a later date, they may seek professional help with or without letting you know.
Final Thoughts About Narcissistic Friendships
Ending a Friendship With a Narcissist
If you are tired of the way your narcissistic friend is treating you, it might be time to cancel the friendship. Unfortunately, it is not the norm for narcissists to change; in most cases, they remain that way for the rest of their lives. It is important to remember that true friendships are built on mutual connections of trust, empathy, and selflessness. Narcissists don’t possess these character traits which makes it very difficult for them to maintain a friendship that isn’t all about them.
Confronting The Narcissist
One of the worst things you can do is tell a narcissist you know they are a narcissist. They will literally go flip mode on you, and you will experience narcissistic rage at its finest. Narcissists can’t bear the thought of being exposed, and they will do everything in their power to maintain the false character they have worked so hard to develop.
You might think it’s a good idea to approach your friend, that by having a heart to heart with them, you can salvage the friendship – bad idea! Narcissists don’t think or behave like normal people, and what you meant as a good intention will backfire.
How To Deal with a Narcissistic Friend?
The best advice I can give you when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic friend is to keep them at arm’s length. Create boundaries and stick to them; eventually, the narcissist will abandon the friendship because you are no longer of any benefit to them.
Once you are free, pay close attention to the character traits of the next person you are thinking about adding to your inner circle. If there are any signs of narcissistic traits, run in the opposite direction.
Do you have a friend who is a Narcissist? Please share your stories with me in the comments below.
6 implicit signs of a friend-narcissist | PSYCHOLOGIES
A man among people
1.
He is constantly in the position of a victim Such a person is never satisfied - there is always something that makes him unhappy and makes him suffer. And this state is not feigned: recent research confirms that the key to understanding the nature of narcissism is not an “inflated ego” at all, but a sense of vulnerability, insecurity inherent in such people.
However, instead of doing something to change the situation and stop feeling vulnerable, such people turn into chronic victims. They demand attention and care from others, expect others to solve their problems, and sincerely believe that their suffering is unique.
And you, as a friend of the narcissist, most likely really empathize with him and strive to help. And you feel absolutely terrible leaving the narcissist alone and even more so leaving the relationship with him.
2. He often blames you for something
… and you feel guilty even if you did nothing wrong. You are ashamed if you choose yourself.
And if you don’t drop everything and don’t rush to the rescue.
A narcissist friend is also a master of the art of gaslighting: he manipulates you, makes you doubt reality and your own adequacy, denying the facts and assuring you that you made it all up.
3. He acts passive-aggressive
Many of us act like this at least once in a while when we are tired, exhausted or on edge, but for the narcissist it is a way to dominate others. Considering himself special, the narcissist believes that he should get whatever he wants and has the right to "punish" anyone who disagrees with him or questions his authority.
A narcissistic friend most likely finds it possible to play tricks on you in the presence of others and assert himself in every possible way at your expense.
4. He is sensitive to criticism
Of course, not all of us who are offended by criticism are narcissists: we all get hurt if others, for example, speak negatively about the results of our work.
However, the narcissist takes absolutely all statements personally, takes even generalized comments to heart, and at the same time is completely unprepared to change and develop - in his opinion, he is already perfection itself.
The narcissist prefers to tell others how good and competent he is, rather than proving it in action. And, as mentioned earlier, his favorite way to rise up is to bring others down.
5. He is emotionally deaf
Have you ever had a friend take care of you, your physical or psychological condition? Came to help, supported? If not, it's worth considering: you may be friends with a narcissist.
The attention of such a person is always focused on himself: his problems, desires, plans, future. He is hardly even interested in what you want to achieve in life, what you dream about, what you are going through now. Communication with him is always a one-sided game. Because you are not an equal to a narcissist, not a close person, but only a means to achieve goals.
And at the same time, the narcissist cannot bear the neglect of his problems and, when he feels bad, does not allow himself to be left alone.
6. He does not feel the boundaries of others
Especially if you do not give him what he expects from you. You must be in touch 24 hours, 7 days a week, drop your business and rush at the first call. At the same time, this state of affairs is formed gradually, naturally and imperceptibly, and before you realize that you are completely "absorbed" and you have lost your autonomy, it takes quite a long time.
And of course, the narcissist will not allow you to be happier or more successful than him, in which case he will pull you back to himself, to his own level. He must always be one step ahead of you in everything.
***
Almost every one of us has narcissistic character traits, but a real narcissist is categorically incapable of working on himself and taking on at least some responsibility. He does not want and cannot invest in relationships and care about others and their feelings.
The only way to interact with him is to build and maintain rigid boundaries. However, in this case, the narcissist friend will most likely lose interest in you soon.
Text: Yulia Tarasenko Photo source: Getty Images
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Friendship and relationship with a narcissistic girlfriend
Recently, a lot has been written and talked about male narcissists, about whether it is possible to live happily with them and whether their re-education is realistic.
The problem of friendship with a narcissistic girlfriend is given a little less attention. But for women, it can be no less painful and destructive than a toxic relationship with a man. At the heart of any narcissism - male, friendly, parental or bossy - is a tendency to manipulate, devalue the feelings of another person and focus on oneself.
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What new technological solutions in the development of diapers are created in the premium classToxic friendships and relationships
The term "narcissism" refers to a person's excessive love for himself and inflated self-esteem. Its name comes from a Greek myth in which a hero named Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection. Today, a lot is written and said about narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.
Relationships with narcissists are highly toxic. For him, only his own thoughts and feelings matter. He can humiliate and devalue other people, thereby introducing “poison” into them, after which a partner or friend feels devastated and humiliated.
However, friendship with or love for a narcissist can last for many years - his victim may feel sorry for him, continue to support and help, not realizing how he is draining her energy.
Toxic people are not prone to empathy and empathy. They can use the friendship with the victim solely for manipulative purposes in order to increase their already inflated self-esteem. As a rule, the victims of toxic friendships are kind, open and sympathetic people, or those who did not receive enough love in childhood.
The narcissistic personality does not show its true face immediately. At the very beginning of a friendship or love relationship, such a person often shows attention to the other. A narcissist man shows tenderness and care, gives gifts, in a word, does everything that his victim lacked so much. This is how a toxic friendship begins - one is happy that he finally has a friend, and the other demonstrates his care and understanding in every possible way.
Only after some time do the first “bells” come, signaling that something is “wrong” with love and friendship.
A narcissist-man abruptly stops supporting the woman he loves, begins to control and devalue desires and feelings. And a girlfriend or friend begins to make scandals and put their interests above the interests of another, threatening to stop communicating.
Female friendship: if a friend is a daffodil
Many people believe that female friendship exists only before the appearance of a man in the life of one of the girlfriends. Unfortunately, it also happens that it breaks up when two women love one man, or disappears as soon as one of the friends has a family and children. But there are many reverse examples of female friendships that are not built on rivalry or manipulation. Women can and do make friends.
A striking example of a toxic friendly union is a couple quite common in school classes or student groups - an inaccessible beauty and a nondescript "ugly girl". As a rule, a beauty is a narcissist, while a “plain girl” acts as a “vest” and “background” for a beautiful and popular friend.
"Beauty" is firmly convinced that the "ugly girl" is not going anywhere, and she is always at hand. Gradually, the other side begins to believe that this is how it should be - still, because she has such a beautiful and successful girlfriend who helps and supports in everything. Any arguments from the "ugly girl" ignores and does not always recognize the signs of toxicity.
The reason for the quarrel may be the sudden refusal of a friend to run to the "beauty" on demand. In this case, she can make a scandal and not talk for a while. In this way, she demonstrates a complete disregard for the affairs of others - after all, it is around her that the world should revolve!
Feelings of guilt or duty are exactly what a narcissist friend successfully uses. She is sure that another friend will definitely not go anywhere and will do everything as she wants. For her, only her experiences and her emotions are of value. A friend's attempts to share or ask for help and support are completely disregarded and always depreciated.
Toxic female friendships have the following characteristics:
- the demand for boundless self-confidence on the part of a narcissist friend and her disregard for the feelings of another friend;
- one-way support. After interacting with a narcissistic girlfriend, the other side feels overwhelmed and devastated;
- jealousy and control from a toxic girlfriend;
- ridicule by a narcissist friend of other people.
Since such a friendly union is not built on mutual trust, but on jealousy, manipulation and lies, it easily breaks up after a change in social status, the appearance of a partner or an unseemly act of one of the girlfriends.
Is it necessary to continue relationships with narcissistic people?
Even when a friendship or marriage with a narcissist does not bring joy, but only disappointment and resentment, it is not so easy to end it. In the case of a man, the woman believes that he can change or that he is “just in a bad mood” at the moment.
In the case of a friend, she may continue to feel sorry for her, help and support.
Narcissists are very skilled manipulators. If they need a person, they use all the power of their charm, the gift of persuasion and artistic abilities to convince him to do what is beneficial to them. And in this case, a friend or partner must have enough willpower to break the toxic union.
In early youth, when a person has little understanding of the world and is always open to new sensations, it is quite easy to become a victim of a toxic union, especially for those boys or girls who did not have enough love and attention in childhood. Often teenagers or young people themselves grew up with toxic parents and tend to run away from them, not realizing that they can receive no less severe psychological trauma.
Sometimes a toxic friendship or love union falls apart on its own. His victims, in bewilderment, may for some time seek meetings with former friends or partners. But, having made sure that they are not waiting for them in a new life, they leave these attempts and find themselves again.
