Asperger romantic relationship

Asperger's and Adult Relationships: Dating, Romance, Tips

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that can affect many aspects of someone’s life, including the way they think, learn, and behave. People on the spectrum often struggle with social and communication skills, which can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships in adulthood.

Autistic people can and do have happy, healthy romantic relationships – with neurotypical and neurodivergent partners – but there can be some unique challenges.

Keep reading to learn more about how ASD can impact relationships and how you can manage these issues in your own life.

Asperger’s syndrome was once classified as a unique condition separate from autism but within the same family of neurodevelopmental conditions.

In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association eliminated Asperger’s as a diagnosis in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5). ” It classified it under the umbrella term “autism spectrum disorder (ASD)” instead.

Asperger’s joined several other conditions, including Rett syndrome, as a part of ASD.

ASD is not common. Experts believe around 1% of the general population are autistic. It’s important to point out, though, that the actual numbers could be higher. A number of autistic people likely do not have an official diagnosis, especially women and older adults.

Older autistic adults may not have been screened for the condition when they were younger despite showing signs of it. And autistic girls sometimes have less obvious or atypical signs.

Males are much more likely to be diagnosed with ASD than females, at a ratio of 3-to-1. And ASD is more often diagnosed in non-Hispanic white children than in children of other races and ethnicities.

People with Asperger’s often need minimal support compared with some other autistic people.

For example, some autistic people have higher impairment in social and communication skills and high engagement in repetitive or restrictive behaviors.

Asperger’s can also cause these effects, but to a lesser degree.

ASD causes a diverse set of signs and symptoms. The most common signs of Asperger’s in adults are:

formal speech patterns
average to above average vocabulary
average to above average intelligence
focused interest in one particular subject
ability to talk for long periods of time about their interest, often in a one-sided conversation
strict routines or rituals
difficulty acclimating to changes in routine
needing long periods of alone time
peculiarities in speech and language
inability to engage socially with peers
disinterest in social interactions because of difficulties with small talk
problems with nonspeaking communications
uncoordinated movements that may seem clumsy
sensory issues, such as sensitivity to light, smell, or touch

Many autistic adults are able to successfully hold jobs and live independent lives with minimal support. They can also develop close personal relationships that lead to marriages and families.

It’s entirely possible for autistic people to have intimate relationships, whether they’re platonic or romantic. But ASD may present particular challenges for couples and friends.

Autistic people may face social and communication differences throughout the continuum of relationships, from acquaintances to intimate partners. Because of this, they may have less experience forming close relationships.

This can make each stage of a relationship a new challenge, but it doesn’t mean autistic people won’t succeed.

Here is a look at the particular ways ASD might affect relationships.

Communication

Autistic people can experience several types of communication differences. They may have difficulties understanding what other people are thinking or the meaning behind their words. Autistic people may not read nonspeaking cues well. This includes facial expressions and vocal intonations.

Verbally expressing themselves may be difficult, too. For example, an autistic person may say something unintentionally hurtful and have trouble understanding why someone would react negatively.

But communication issues go two ways. In fact, in one 2018 study, autistic people reported difficulty understanding what their loved ones were thinking — but close friends and family also reported difficulty understanding what their autistic loved one was thinking.

Taken together, these issues can make communication hard. It may mean both people feel shut out of understanding what the other is thinking or doing. This can slow or stop the development of close relationships.

If not addressed, it can make important relationship aspects, like empathy and trust, difficult to build and maintain.

Interests

Autistic people often develop focused interests. They may turn to this interest as a way to cope with challenges or issues at home, work, or school. For their partner, they may consider this as avoidance behavior, and it can be difficult for them to navigate.

It can also be difficult for a partner or friends and family to understand their loved one’s focused interest.

Affection

Autistic adults may have difficulty understanding and reciprocating signs of affection. These expressions of love may be confusing and overwhelming to them if they do not naturally think to initiate them.

Some autistic people are also asexual or aromantic and seek partners with similar preferences.

Touch avoidance commonly occurs in ASD. Autistic people can have sensitivities to touch, which can make something like hugs or kisses unappealing to them. Unwanted affection may make them uncomfortable, or even angry.

However, autistic people can also be on the other end of the affection continuum. They may show great intensity with affection. Some potential partners may feel overwhelmed by this, especially if they don’t understand it.

As a happy medium, a couple can work together to find expressions of affection that fulfill what each partner wants and needs.

On dating apps, some autistic people choose to include that they’re asexual or aromantic in their bios to inform potential partners of their preferences.

Sexual activity

The spectrum of interest in sexual activity varies broadly for autistic people, just like it does among the general population.

Some autistic adults have sensory issues that make the physical aspects of sex uncomfortable. Others may not experience the emotional connections that make sex a cornerstone of many romantic relationships. Therefore, they may struggle to gauge their partner’s interests and needs.

Other people on the spectrum experience higher than average levels of sexual desire and activity. Research on “high-functioning” autistic people found that autistic males spent more time masturbating and fantasizing than males without autism. Although the sample was relatively small, the study also showed greater interest in voyeurism, masochism, and sadism among the autistic participants.

Research has found that autistic people have less sexual knowledge than the general population and that they are more likely to learn about sex from non-social sources, like pornography. Autistic people of all genders are also at increased risk of sexual victimization, including sexual coercion.

Social life

Personal relationships of all kinds may be challenging for autistic people. Small talk may be unappealing to them, and conversations may cause a lot of anxiety. This can make it hard to make friends and start a romantic relationship.

Many autistic people enjoy solitude over socializing. However, this can prevent them from establishing and practicing social and communication skills.

Parenting

Autistic parents can have great relationships with their children. For example, they may engage with them on a creative level and encourage them to explore their interests.

Some autistic parents may encounter difficulties with certain aspects of parenting. This can include discipline and empathy.

Other autistic parents may not be able to provide the emotional element of parenting. They may struggle with signs of affection like hugs and have difficulty comforting a child.

It’s possible for autistic people to have healthy and happy relationships, just like any other person.

All relationships take work and effort. Relationships between neurodiverse and neurotypical people, or relationships between two neurodiverse people, are no different.

Consider these strategies for managing any issues in a neurodiverse partnership:

Be intentional: For neurotypical couples, communication exists in many forms: verbal, written, emotional, nonspeaking, etc. Autistic people may not be able to interpret or use all of these. Instead, both partners can aim to be as direct and clear in their communications as possible. Leave nothing as a hint or suggestion.
Set clear rules: This is especially important for parenting, where you both need to present a united front. You can also discuss each other’s strengths and opportunities, and divide tasks based on them. For example, perhaps the nonautistic parent takes charge of disciplining your children.
Consider therapy: Individual therapy can be helpful for both partners. You can consider couples therapy, too. While therapy is not an immediate “fix,” it’s a wonderful opportunity for people to learn ways to communicate and cope with challenges in their relationships.

It can be a challenge for autistic people to cope with their nonautistic partner’s expectations and demands. It can be just as challenging for a nonautistic person to cope with their neurodiverse partner’s expectations and demands, too.

Here are a few tips for nonautistic partners:

Learn about ASD: ASD is a neurodevelopmental condition. That means it fundamentally affects the way a person perceives, engages with, and responds to the people and world around them. Understanding how ASD impacts a person’s thoughts and behaviors can help you better navigate daily life.
Delegate tasks: Autistic people may have a hard time with executive functions like planning and organizing. This leaves these important tasks up to the nonautistic partner. But it’s possible for the autistic partner to take on certain tasks in other areas of the home, such as homework with kids or walking and caring for pets.
Seek support: Whether you’re newly in a relationship with a neurodiverse person or you’ve been married for several years, it’s a good idea to seek knowledgeable professionals and individuals in similar situations. This can include working with a therapist who has experience in neurodiverse couples or turning to online support groups.

Find outside fulfillment: It’s possible to find personal fulfillment outside your relationship with your partner. In fact, it can be healthy. Consider ways to connect with friends and your community. Look into classes for things that interest you, or practice some self-care.
Remember the positives: You likely fell in love with your partner for very specific reasons. And despite the challenges, remembering the things you love about your partner and about the two of you together can help boost your self-esteem and reengage your dedication to the relationship.

It’s definitely possible for autistic people to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. These can be personal friendships as well as romantic partnerships.

As with any relationship, neurodiverse couples will likely face issues. Communication is a big area of concern that often requires work and patience.

Other issues may arise with elements of intimacy, socializing, and parenting. ASD creates a set of unique challenges for people in relationships. But with effort and attention, they can be overcome.

Asperger's and Adult Relationships: Dating, Romance, Tips

Autistic people can and do have happy, healthy romantic relationships – with neurotypical and neurodivergent partners – but there can be some unique challenges.

Keep reading to learn more about how ASD can impact relationships and how you can manage these issues in your own life.

Asperger’s syndrome was once classified as a unique condition separate from autism but within the same family of neurodevelopmental conditions.

Asperger’s joined several other conditions, including Rett syndrome, as a part of ASD.

Older autistic adults may not have been screened for the condition when they were younger despite showing signs of it. And autistic girls sometimes have less obvious or atypical signs.

Males are much more likely to be diagnosed with ASD than females, at a ratio of 3-to-1. And ASD is more often diagnosed in non-Hispanic white children than in children of other races and ethnicities.

People with Asperger’s often need minimal support compared with some other autistic people.

For example, some autistic people have higher impairment in social and communication skills and high engagement in repetitive or restrictive behaviors.

Asperger’s can also cause these effects, but to a lesser degree.

ASD causes a diverse set of signs and symptoms. The most common signs of Asperger’s in adults are:

formal speech patterns
average to above average vocabulary
average to above average intelligence
focused interest in one particular subject
ability to talk for long periods of time about their interest, often in a one-sided conversation
strict routines or rituals
difficulty acclimating to changes in routine
needing long periods of alone time
peculiarities in speech and language
inability to engage socially with peers
disinterest in social interactions because of difficulties with small talk
problems with nonspeaking communications
uncoordinated movements that may seem clumsy
sensory issues, such as sensitivity to light, smell, or touch

Many autistic adults are able to successfully hold jobs and live independent lives with minimal support. They can also develop close personal relationships that lead to marriages and families.

It’s entirely possible for autistic people to have intimate relationships, whether they’re platonic or romantic. But ASD may present particular challenges for couples and friends.

This can make each stage of a relationship a new challenge, but it doesn’t mean autistic people won’t succeed.

Here is a look at the particular ways ASD might affect relationships.

Communication

Verbally expressing themselves may be difficult, too. For example, an autistic person may say something unintentionally hurtful and have trouble understanding why someone would react negatively.

If not addressed, it can make important relationship aspects, like empathy and trust, difficult to build and maintain.

Interests

It can also be difficult for a partner or friends and family to understand their loved one’s focused interest.

Affection

Some autistic people are also asexual or aromantic and seek partners with similar preferences.

As a happy medium, a couple can work together to find expressions of affection that fulfill what each partner wants and needs.

On dating apps, some autistic people choose to include that they’re asexual or aromantic in their bios to inform potential partners of their preferences.

Sexual activity

The spectrum of interest in sexual activity varies broadly for autistic people, just like it does among the general population.

Social life

Many autistic people enjoy solitude over socializing. However, this can prevent them from establishing and practicing social and communication skills.

Parenting

Autistic parents can have great relationships with their children. For example, they may engage with them on a creative level and encourage them to explore their interests.

Some autistic parents may encounter difficulties with certain aspects of parenting. This can include discipline and empathy.

Other autistic parents may not be able to provide the emotional element of parenting. They may struggle with signs of affection like hugs and have difficulty comforting a child.

It’s possible for autistic people to have healthy and happy relationships, just like any other person.

All relationships take work and effort. Relationships between neurodiverse and neurotypical people, or relationships between two neurodiverse people, are no different.

Consider these strategies for managing any issues in a neurodiverse partnership:

Be intentional: For neurotypical couples, communication exists in many forms: verbal, written, emotional, nonspeaking, etc. Autistic people may not be able to interpret or use all of these. Instead, both partners can aim to be as direct and clear in their communications as possible. Leave nothing as a hint or suggestion.
Set clear rules: This is especially important for parenting, where you both need to present a united front. You can also discuss each other’s strengths and opportunities, and divide tasks based on them. For example, perhaps the nonautistic parent takes charge of disciplining your children.
Consider therapy: Individual therapy can be helpful for both partners. You can consider couples therapy, too. While therapy is not an immediate “fix,” it’s a wonderful opportunity for people to learn ways to communicate and cope with challenges in their relationships.

Here are a few tips for nonautistic partners:

Learn about ASD: ASD is a neurodevelopmental condition. That means it fundamentally affects the way a person perceives, engages with, and responds to the people and world around them. Understanding how ASD impacts a person’s thoughts and behaviors can help you better navigate daily life.
Delegate tasks: Autistic people may have a hard time with executive functions like planning and organizing. This leaves these important tasks up to the nonautistic partner. But it’s possible for the autistic partner to take on certain tasks in other areas of the home, such as homework with kids or walking and caring for pets.
Seek support: Whether you’re newly in a relationship with a neurodiverse person or you’ve been married for several years, it’s a good idea to seek knowledgeable professionals and individuals in similar situations. This can include working with a therapist who has experience in neurodiverse couples or turning to online support groups.
Find outside fulfillment: It’s possible to find personal fulfillment outside your relationship with your partner. In fact, it can be healthy. Consider ways to connect with friends and your community. Look into classes for things that interest you, or practice some self-care.
Remember the positives: You likely fell in love with your partner for very specific reasons. And despite the challenges, remembering the things you love about your partner and about the two of you together can help boost your self-esteem and reengage your dedication to the relationship.

It’s definitely possible for autistic people to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. These can be personal friendships as well as romantic partnerships.

As with any relationship, neurodiverse couples will likely face issues. Communication is a big area of concern that often requires work and patience.

Other issues may arise with elements of intimacy, socializing, and parenting. ASD creates a set of unique challenges for people in relationships. But with effort and attention, they can be overcome.

How can romantic relationships develop in young people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism?

04/19/14

Clinical psychologist, specializing in Asperger syndrome, about the features of romantic and intimate relationships in adults with RAS

Author: Tony Etwood / Tony Attwood
Translation: Tamara Solomatina
9000 9000 9000 9000 9000 Autism Network

While young people with classic autism usually suffice with a solitary “hermit” lifestyle, people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism often do not. Clinical studies have shown that most of these adolescents and young adults are interested in romantic relationships. However, very little research addresses this aspect of autism spectrum disorders or strategies for successfully developing these relationships.

We know that young people with Asperger's have significant difficulty developing relationships with peers and understanding what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Ordinary children learn this naturally and practice the skills to develop relationships with family members and friends long before they use these abilities to successfully develop romantic relationships. Young people diagnosed with Asperger's and high-functioning autism have limited communication skills and may find it difficult to express emotions, especially affection. They may also have very high sensitivity to certain sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics affect relationship-forming skills as the child grows and will ultimately reduce the adult's chances of a successful long-term relationship.

Love and affection

People with autism spectrum disorders have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions, and the most difficult emotion for such people is love. Ordinary children and adults often express their affection with pleasure, know how to express it to exchange mutual feelings of affection and love, and know how to support someone through the expression of affection. A child or adult with autism may not need the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through actions, or may not realize that the situation requires them to display their affection in a way that would please the other person. He or she may be annoyed by how "obsessed" other people are with expressing love for each other.

Some autistics may be obviously immature in their expressions of affection and sometimes perceive them as a negative experience. For example, a hug may feel uncomfortable and limit movement. A person may become embarrassed or overwhelmed when expected to express and accept fairly moderate expressions of love. I recently developed a cognitive behavioral therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome that teaches them about the emotion of love and how to express that you love or feel sympathy for someone. The program will soon be evaluated in a study conducted by the University of Queensland in Australia.

Special interests

One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger's syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusual in its object and significance. For adolescents and young adults, the target is sometimes a person, which can be interpreted as a typical teenage crush, but the degree of interest and associated behavior often lead to accusations of stalking and harassment. The propensity to develop a special interest can also influence the emergence of relationship knowledge in other ways. Special interests help people with Asperger's in many ways, including acquiring the knowledge to understand the annoying aspects of their life experiences. Adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome often seek to understand and experience in terms of communication and relationships, including romantic and sexual ones, the same as their peers, but they may have problems with sources of information about relationships and sexuality.

A teenager with Asperger's syndrome has few or no friends with whom to discuss topics such as romantic or sexual feelings and sexual behavior. Unfortunately, the only source of information for teens with Asperger's can be either porn movies for boys or soap operas for girls. A person with Asperger's Syndrome may decide that the actions shown in pornographic material can serve as a "script" of what to say or do on a date, but this misunderstanding can lead to allegations of harassment. Such allegations are more often related to inappropriate behavior than to violent or aggressive acts of a sexual nature. Girls with Asperger's Syndrome may use movies and TV shows as a source of knowledge about relationships and fail to recognize that TV shows do not accurately reflect the beginning and development of relationships in real life.

Clinical studies show that unpopular girls with Asperger's syndrome, who are not accepted into any company, after the physical changes that occurred during puberty, are flattered by the attention from boys. Because of her naivete, the girl may not realize that their interest is sexual in nature, and not at all a desire to simply communicate with her and spend time in her company. She may not have female friends to take her on a first date or give her advice on social and sexual rules. Her parents may have strong concerns about her vulnerability to negative sexual experiences and possible date rape.

Long-term relationship

There is a transition from acquaintance to partnership in the relationship. Individuals with Asperger's may find it difficult to cope with each step of this transition. To move from friend to partner status, a teenager or young person with Asperger's needs to understand the art of flirting in order to accurately read the signals of mutual sympathy and not get lost during dates. People with Asperger's do not understand this intuitively. These teens and young adults often ask me, “How can I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?” And this question is not easy to answer. One of the difficulties can be the correct interpretation of someone's intentions. A simple expression of kindness or sympathy can be taken much more seriously than intended. I have had to explain to men with Asperger's that the smile and attention from female flight attendants are just courtesies, not a desire to start a relationship.

Despite the relationship problems that most people with Asperger's have, some can develop relationships and form romantic and intimate relationships, even marriage. To achieve this level of relationship, partners need to initially notice the attractive qualities of each other. What is so attractive about a young person with Asperger's Syndrome?

Attractive qualities of people with Asperger's syndrome

Men with Asperger's syndrome may have a wide range of qualities that are attractive to a future partner. When I counsel couples in which one or both partners have characteristics or a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I often ask the neurotypical partner, "What qualities did your partner draw you to when you first met?" Many women describe that a partner with Asperger's syndrome initially impressed them as kind, considerate, but socially or emotionally immature. The term "silent handsome stranger" is often used to describe anyone who seems relatively quiet and likeable. Appearance and attention can become very important, especially if a woman has doubts about her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness. Lack of social and conversational skills lead to the formation of the image of the "mysterious stranger", whose naivety and immaturity the partner can compensate for by becoming an expert in empathy, socialization and communication.

I have noticed that the partners of many men and sometimes women with Asperger's are on the other end of the social and empathic spectrum. On an intuitive level, they are experts in the "model of the mental" (understanding someone else's consciousness), that is, they understand and sympathize with the experiences of other people. They have the gift of seeing the world as it appears to people with Asperger's to a much greater extent than people with average empathy. Being understanding and sympathetic, they help their partner cope with difficulties in social situations. Undoubtedly, adults with Asperger's Syndrome need these traits and want to see them in a potential partner. He or she will actively seek out someone with intuitive social skills, someone who will explain social situations to them, educate them, and care for them. However, while a socially gifted and empathetic partner may be able to understand the experiences of a person with Asperger's Syndrome, that person will have significant difficulty understanding their neurotypical partner.

Intellectual abilities, one's own career, and increased attention to one's partner during courtship can make a person with Asperger's syndrome more attractive. Sometimes, however, this attentiveness can be perceived by others as excessive, and words and actions will seem as if they were memorized from Hollywood romantic films. A person can be admired for his straightforwardness, even if his comments hurt other people, because of his strong desire for social justice and clear moral principles. The fact that he may not be "macho" at all or not eager to spend time with other men at sports matches can also be very attractive in the eyes of some women. And the fact that a person with Asperger's syndrome entered into a relationship quite late can also be a plus. He may not have the "baggage" of previous relationships. I have also heard many women say that a partner with Asperger's Syndrome reminds them of their father. The fact that they grew up with a parent with Asperger's traits may also have influenced their choice of partner in adulthood.

What traits do men find attractive in women with Asperger's syndrome? They may be similar to what women find attractive in men with Asperger's, especially the degree to which they are attentive. The social immaturity of a woman can attract men who are prone to guardianship and compassion. They may admire her beauty or her talents and abilities. Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger's have a hard time assessing a person's character and knowing when a relationship becomes "dangerous." Such women often have low self-esteem, which affects their choice of a partner for a relationship. They may become victims of various forms of violence. As one woman with Asperger's syndrome explained to me, "I had low expectations and as a result I was drawn to violent people."

Strategies to Improve Relationship Skills

People with Asperger's will need help developing relationships at every stage, and possibly throughout their lives. Younger children will need the help of a speech therapist to improve their conversational skills, and an educator or psychologist will help with friendship skills during their school years. Developing these skills should be a priority for an educational institution supporting a child with Asperger's Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism, as positive friendship experiences will increase self-esteem, help avoid bullying from classmates, lay the foundation for developing friendships in the future, and improve teamwork abilities. for more successful employment.

Adolescents will need truthful information about attractiveness, courtship and sexuality. While such information is readily available to typical adolescents (most often from parents, friends, and personal experiences), adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome may have difficulty obtaining it. Lack of peer help, adult information and practice will hinder the acquisition of relationship development skills. Fortunately, we now have special relationship and sexuality education programs designed specifically for teens and young people with Asperger's Syndrome that include the opportunity to get advice from a peer with the same syndrome. Several doctors and therapists in Australia are developing relationship skills training materials for adolescents and young people with Asperger's Syndrome. Such training will include everything from dating rules and a sense of style to ways to recognize and avoid dangerous partners. A valuable strategy here can be to meet socially receptive friends or relatives with a potential partner to determine if they are a good person before starting a relationship.

Young people will need support and opportunities to meet new people. Here you can offer to do something or join an interest group related to their own special passion, for example, take part in Star Trek or Doctor Who fan meetings, or apply their talents, say, to taking care of animals. and join an animal welfare group. There are also opportunities to make new friends at community events, such as a local choir or adult education courses. Local support groups for parents of children with Asperger's have also established support groups for young people with Asperger's. In this case, specialists can come to the group and hold a group discussion or give advice. Such groups can provide an opportunity for the development of relationships between members of the group. The relationship between Jerry and Mary, two people with Asperger's who met at a support group in Los Angeles, has been the subject of a book and film (Crazy in Love). Some people with Asperger's Syndrome use the Internet and dating agencies to get to know someone, but this method of dating can also be used by dangerous partners, so you need to take into account the high risk when using this dating strategy.

I have noticed that adults who had prominent signs of autism in childhood (significant language delay, learning difficulties, avoidance of social situations) but progressed to high-functioning autism later in life have much less desire to develop long-term relationships. Most likely, they will be content with loneliness and will not maintain sexual relations, preferring superficial acquaintances to friendship. A sense of self-identity and self-worth in such people is achieved through a successful career and an independent life. Temple Grandin is a good example of this. Some adults with Asperger's also choose not to form close relationships for reasons that seem logical given the traits associated with the syndrome.

Jennifer explains her decision: “How can I live in the same house with a person who can touch my collection of model airplanes?” And so: "Airplane models do not want to be designed by someone else, even if it is more attractive or less dependent." However, she is quite satisfied with her life. She says, "I can assure you that falling in love and special interests are about the same feeling." For some people with Asperger's or high-functioning autism, giving up romantic relationships may be the right choice if they enjoy and fully devote themselves to their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology. They don't fit the cultural mold that marriage and long-term relationships are the only way to achieve happiness.

Future Research Perspectives

We know that people with Asperger's have significant difficulties developing relationships, but there is not enough research to provide us with qualitative and quantitative data about their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. A study has recently been published on the ability to maintain friendships in children with Asperger's syndrome, but there is very little research on adolescent relationships and sexuality. Dr. Isabelle Henault of Montreal is conducting a study with me on the sexual profile of people with Asperger's syndrome, and preliminary results show that this profile differs from that of ordinary people due to less sexual experience, although they develop sexual interest in the same period, which and their adolescent peers. They may also have a more relaxed attitude towards sexual diversity, such as homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich sexual fantasy. They may be less concerned about the partner's age and cultural differences. However, further research is needed, and the Autism Interactive Network database may be useful in providing information on the romantic relationships of adolescents and young adults with Asperger's and high-functioning autism.

Thanks to Tamara Solomatina for the translation.

Adult Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Social Skills

Tony Attwood: "The Romantic Life of Young People with Asperger's Syndrome"

While a young person with classic autism may seem quite content with a solitary "reclusive" lifestyle, for young people with Asperger's or high-functioning autism, this is often not the case. Clinical experience shows that most of these teenagers and young people would like to have a romantic relationship. However, there is remarkably little research on this aspect of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and strategies that can promote successful relationships.

We know that young people with Asperger's have significant difficulty forming peer relationships and are developmentally delayed in knowing what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Typical children learn these skills naturally and practice them with family and friends many years before attempting successful romantic relationships. Young people diagnosed with Asperger's or high-functioning autism may also suffer from a severe lack of conversational social skills or the ability to communicate their emotions, especially affection. They may also be hypersensitive to certain sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics can affect relationship skills during childhood and, over time, limit an adult's ability to maintain long-term relationships.

For a successful relationship, a person must first of all understand and respect himself. Self-understanding and reflection can be especially difficult for people with Asperger's syndrome. The self-esteem of a person with Asperger's Syndrome can be undermined as a result of rejection, ridicule and bullying from peers. Adolescents with Asperger's can be naive and vulnerable, causing their peers to deliberately misinform them about relationships. This includes situations where they are being deceived or "set up". For example, a teenager with Asperger's syndrome was lonely and dreamed of dating a girl. All his requests for dates were invariably rejected. Then a very popular and attractive girl in his class invites them to go on a movie date. He is happy and the date is going well, but then the girl becomes embarrassed and admits that she asked him out because of a bet with her friends. The teenager is in despair.

Love and attachment

People with autism spectrum disorders have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions, and love is an emotion that looks especially difficult for people with ASD. Typical children and adults enjoy frequent expressions of affection and know how to express affection and communicate their feelings of admiration and love, or encourage the other person with an expression of affection. A child or adult with ASD may not seek the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through displays of affection, or they may not understand that in a certain situation they are expected to express affection and that this is necessary for another person. He or she may feel puzzled because, from his point of view, other people are "obsessed" with expressing love for each other.

The person with ASD may also be immature in their expressions of affection, and may perceive such expressions of affection as disgusting. For example, a hug may feel like an uncomfortable squeeze that restricts movement. A person may experience confusion and mixed feelings when they are expected to demonstrate and delight in the smallest manifestations of affection. I recently developed a cognitive behavioral therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome that explains the emotion of love and the ways in which you can show your love for another person. A study to evaluate the effectiveness of this program is due to begin soon by the University of Queensland in Australia.

Special interests

One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger's syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusually focused and intense. In adolescence or early adulthood, the person may become such an interest that others may perceive as a common teenage "crush", but the intensity of this attraction and the behavior that accompanies it can lead to accusations of stalking and sexual harassment. The predisposition to form a special interest can also affect the development of relationship knowledge. For people with Asperger's Syndrome, special interests serve many functions, and one of them is understanding their own confusing experiences.

Adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome often want to understand and experience social and romantic relationships with peers, including ongoing relationships and sexual experiences, but may have trouble finding sources of information about relationships and sexuality. A teenager with Asperger's usually has few, if any, friends with whom he or she can discuss relationship topics, such as romantic and sexual feelings and codes of sexual behavior.

Unfortunately, very often the source of information about relationships for boys with Asperger's syndrome is pornography, and for girls - soap operas. A person with Asperger's may assume that the actions in pornographic material are a script for what to say or do during a date, and such misunderstandings can lead to allegations of sexual abuse. Usually these are allegations of specifically sexually inappropriate behavior, and not of sexual violence or abuse. Adolescent girls with Asperger's syndrome may use television programs and films as a source of information about relationships without realizing that they show activities and topics that are different from relationships in real life.

Clinical experience suggests that adolescent girls with Asperger's who were previously socially ostracized and unpopular with their peers may feel flattered during puberty when boys show interest in them. Because of her naivete, a girl with Asperger's may not realize that this interest is exclusively sexual in nature and that the boy is not interested in her personality, society, or conversations with her. She likely has no female friends to accompany her on her first date, give her advice about social and sexual codes, and her parents may be concerned about her vulnerability to promiscuity, negative sexual experiences, and date rape.

Relationship continuum

There is a relationship continuum from a simple acquaintance to a permanent partner. People with Asperger's have difficulty at every stage of this continuum. To progress on the relationship continuum from friend to romantic partner, a teenager or young adult with Asperger's needs to understand the art of flirting and romance in order to correctly recognize signals of mutual attraction and understand the game of dating. People with Asperger's Syndrome lack the ability to understand this intuitively.

Adolescents and young people with Asperger's Syndrome often ask me, "How can I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?" The answer to this question is far from simple. People with Asperger's have difficulty interpreting another person's intentions. A gesture of kindness or compassion may be perceived as a sign of interest or as something more personal than it actually is. I had to explain to men with Asperger's that a smile and personal attention from a flight attendant is courtesy, not an interest in a relationship.

Despite problems with relationship skills that many people with Asperger's have, some adults can progress on the relationship continuum and are able to experience romantic and eventually intimate relationships, even finding a lifelong partner. In order to achieve such a relationship, both partners must notice the attractive qualities of the other. What characteristics of a young person with Asperger's Syndrome might attract a potential partner?

Attractive qualities of a person with Asperger's syndrome

Men with Asperger's syndrome may have many attractive qualities for potential partners. When I do relationship counseling with couples where one or both partners have characteristics or are diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I often ask the typical partner, "What qualities drew you to a partner when you first met him/her?" Many women say that their partner with Asperger's Syndrome seemed kind, considerate, but socially or emotionally immature. The term "silent, handsome stranger" refers to a person who talks little and looks good.

Attention and physical characteristics may be especially important for women who have problems with self-esteem and who doubt their own physical attractiveness. A man's social and verbal difficulties can lead to him being perceived as a "silent stranger" whose social naivety and immaturity can change with a partner with a high level of empathy and social skills.

I have noticed that many partners of men (and sometimes women) with Asperger's are on the opposite end of the social and empathic continuum. They are intuitive experts in the theory of mind who easily understand and empathize with another's point of view. Their innate characteristics help them understand the experience of a person with Asperger's Syndrome better than a person with ordinary theory of mind abilities can. They are understanding and sympathetic people, and they help their partner navigate social situations. In fact, people with Asperger's Syndrome often cite these characteristics as the most desirable in a partner. He or she may actively seek out a partner with intuitive social knowledge who can act as an interpreter and is naturally caring, socially accommodating, and maternal in nature. However, while a socially gifted and empathetic partner may understand the point of view of a person with Asperger's, it can be difficult for the person with Asperger's to understand their typical partner.

The attractiveness of a person with Asperger's from a relationship perspective may be related to their intelligence, career, or high attention during courtship. However, sometimes this mindfulness can feel like an unhealthy obsession, especially if the person uses phrases learned from Hollywood romantic movies.

Even though other people may perceive his comments as offensive, a person with Asperger's can be admired for his honesty and straightforwardness because of his strong sense of social justice and clear moral principles.

The fact that a man with Asperger's can be far from macho and indifferent to sports and drinking can be extremely attractive to many women.

A person with Asperger's may become interested in relationships later than others, which can also be perceived as an attractive trait. It can also mean the absence of the "burden" of past relationships.

I have often heard women say that their partners with Asperger's Syndrome resembled their father. Perhaps their choice of partner was influenced by the fact that one of their parents had manifestations of Asperger's syndrome.

What qualities attract men to a woman with Asperger's syndrome? The same ones that attract women in a man with Asperger's syndrome, first of all, this refers to the level of attentiveness to a partner. A woman's social immaturity can be attractive to men who are prone to a fatherly and sympathetic role in relationships. Men may also appreciate her visual appeal or admire her talents and abilities.

Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger's Syndrome have a poor understanding of characters and can rarely identify potentially dangerous people. Women with Asperger's Syndrome often suffer from low self-esteem, which can negatively affect their choice of partner. They can become victims of various forms of partner violence. As one woman with Asperger's Syndrome told me, "My demands are so low that I'm drawn to violent people as a result."

Strategies for Improving Relationship Skills

People with Asperger's need guidance in learning relationship skills at each stage of the relationship continuum and possibly throughout their lives. Children need guidance from a speech development professional to master the art of conversation, as well as strategies for improving friendship skills during school years that a teacher or psychologist can provide. Developing friendship skills should be a priority for educational services that support a child with Asperger's Syndrome, as maturity and friendship abilities increase self-esteem, reduce bullying, lay the foundation for adult relationships, and develop the teamwork skills needed for successful employment.

Adolescents need accurate and correct information about attraction, dating rituals and sexuality. While typical teens can easily access this information, often from their friends, parents, school activities, and as they gain personal experience, this knowledge may not be available to a teen with Asperger's syndrome. Lack of peer guidance, experience in group discussions and practice hinders the development of relationship skills. Fortunately, there are now special education programs on relationships and sexuality for teens and young people with Asperger's Syndrome, as well as opportunities to get advice and learn about the experiences of other teens with Asperger's Syndrome.

Some physicians and psychotherapists, especially in Australia, are developing relationship skills resources for adolescents and young adults with Asperger's Syndrome. This training ranges from knowledge of dating etiquette and dressing skills to information on how to spot and avoid sexual predators. One of the most valuable strategies is to find a socially receptive friend or relative who can get to know a potential partner in order to assess how good that person is of character before the relationship develops.

Young adults need encouragement and opportunities to make new acquaintances and friends. This may include joining a circle or interest group that is related to a special interest, such as attending a Star Trek or Doctor Who fan convention. This may include using a person's talent, for example, if a young person has a natural ability to care for animals, then he can volunteer with an animal welfare organization. You can find friends by joining local social activities, such as joining a choir or enrolling in adult education classes.

Local support groups for parents of children with Asperger's often set up support groups for young adults with Asperger's. Within such groups, a specialist can address their participants, lead a discussion and provide recommendations on relationships. Such groups can also provide an opportunity to develop relationships among group members. An example is the relationship between Jerry and Mary, two adults with Asperger's who met at a support group in Los Angeles and whose story is the basis of a book and a movie.

Some adults with Asperger's use the Internet and dating services to meet new people, but this method of dating is also often used by sexual predators, and a person with Asperger's should be aware of the many risks associated with this strategy.

I have noticed that adults who had prominent manifestations of autism in early childhood (significant speech delay, learning difficulties, avoidance of social situations) who fit the description of high-functioning autism as they grow older are, on average, less motivated to seek a permanent relationship. . They are much more likely to be happy with loneliness and celibacy and have acquaintances rather than friends. A sense of their own identity and personal value is achieved by them through a successful career and an independent life. Temple Grandin is a well-known example of this.

Some adults with Asperger's syndrome also choose not to have intimate relationships for objective reasons that are related to the characteristics of the syndrome. This is how Jennifer explains this decision: "How can I live in the same house with another person who can touch my collection of model airplanes?" and "Airplane models don't think they should be made by a more attractive or less needy person."

There are moments of deep personal satisfaction in Jennifer's life. In her words: "I assure you that falling in love and special interest are, by and large, one and the same feeling." Not being in a relationship can be a positive choice for some adults with Asperger's or high-functioning autism who enjoy developing and pursuing their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology. They happily ignore our cultural belief that marriage or a long-term relationship is the only way to achieve happiness.

Areas for further research

We know that people with Asperger's syndrome experience significant difficulties on the relationship continuum, but we lack qualitative and quantitative research data about their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. There are studies of friendship ability among children with Asperger's syndrome that have recently been analyzed, but there has been little to no research on romantic relationships and sexuality.

Dr. Isabelle Henault of Montreal and I have been conducting a study on the sexual profile of adults with Asperger's Syndrome, and preliminary data show that this profile differs from that of typical adults, including a more negative body image and less sexual experience, although usually sexual interest develops at the same age as peers.

People with Asperger's may also have a more liberal attitude towards sexual diversity, including homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich fantasy about sexual imagery.

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