Lonely after divorce

How to Deal with Loneliness after Divorce or a Break-Up

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HomeKnowledge CenterHow to Deal with Loneliness after Divorce or a Break-Up

Loneliness after a divorce or break-up can be common and even expected. You were sharing a life with your spouse or partner, maybe raising kids, and likely making plans for a future together. Divorce and break-ups stir up strong emotions, many of which can lead to feelings of loneliness.

What are the causes and what can you do to help manage feelings of being lonely after a divorce?

What causes you to feel lonely after a divorce or break-up?

When a relationship ends, there are a number of factors that can contribute to post-break-up loneliness:

  • Grief, sadness, and anger: Divorce and relationship break-ups can start you on an emotional rollercoaster. Emotions like grief, sadness, and even anger can be common. Emotions like these may cause you to pull away from others and isolate yourself, which can eventually lead to feelings of loneliness.
  • Separation from family and friends: When divorce and break-ups happen, it’s not uncommon to become separated from groups of friends and extended family, especially those closest to your ex. These people were an important part of your shared life and could very well be completely gone from your new life. And let’s not forget about pets. Many divorces and breakups also mean a beloved family pet is going with one partner and not the other. If you were closely tied to a pet that is no longer around, this missing "loved one" can also leave you feeling alone.
  • Child custody: When children are involved in a divorce, there are often custody issues to deal with. If you share custody with an ex, there could be times you suddenly find yourself alone without kids around to distract you. This can contribute to feelings of loneliness after divorce also.
  • Holiday blues: Many couples and families have regular holiday traditions, often shared with family and friends. Divorce and break-ups can change all that. When those holidays come back around, they may bring with them post-relationship loneliness.

What are some ways to deal with loneliness after a relationship ends?

Consider these tips:

  • Accept your feelings of post-relationship loneliness: You’ve suddenly lost someone important in your life. They are physically gone, as well as emotionally. You may feel disconnected and alienated from others, as well. While you grieve and heal your split, you may experience periods of loneliness that can be a common part of the process in moving forward.
  • Avoid a rebound relationship: Don’t let loneliness after your break-up or divorce push you to dive into another relationship too quickly. If you’re using a rebound relationship to avoid loneliness or the emotions of a break-up, you may want to reconsider. Instead, try spending some healing time with yourself before embarking again on the dating path.
  • Join a support group for divorced people: You’re not alone. Therapy groups offer an opportunity to get help, understanding, and insight from others who are going through a similar experience. Loneliness after divorce is quite common and chances are good you will discover others in your situation who are willing to talk, listen, and offer advice.
  • Start a new routine: Losing a relationship can also mean your way of life has drastically changed. If you lived with your spouse or partner, it’s likely you had a regular everyday routine. The longer the relationship or marriage, the more ingrained that day-to-day routine likely became. A split can suddenly upend all of that, leaving you feeling disoriented and directionless. Things like meal times, sleep schedules, and even exercise regimens can fall by the wayside, impacting your health and wellness. If you exercised regularly, then get back to it. Exercise alone can help boost endorphins, which can make you feel happier.1 So, try planning out a new routine for yourself. See if it can help offset some of the factors contributing to any post-break-up loneliness you may be feeling.
  • Get involved: Volunteering or joining a club, getting engaged with other people can help boost your mood and help make you a happier person. Look for volunteer options or clubs of likeminded people. Be open to building lasting friendships and a new support network.
  • Be good to yourself: Find special things that delight just you. Try to carve out a few enjoyable moments every day. Maybe you’d enjoy a walk or hike, a bubble bath, some yoga, reading a good book, or listening to your favorite music. Whatever it is that brings you immediate enjoyment, spend the time doing it. Building good habits like this can help you fight feeling lonely when your relationship ends.

How long do feelings of loneliness after a break-up or divorce last?

How long feelings of loneliness last after a divorce or break-up depends on the factors you may be dealing with. Feelings of social isolation and disengagement from others may not be constant—they may be driven by a particular situation or may come and go. For example, a holiday that rolls back around may bring with it a period of loneliness that fades after the holiday.

For most people, loneliness that occurs after a divorce or break-up is temporary and part of the grieving and healing process. If loneliness goes on and on and seems never-ending, it may be time to talk to your doctor, a therapist, or another health care provider about chronic loneliness as they will be able to help.




How to Deal with Loneliness: 5 Ways to Stop Feeling LonelyHow to Be Happy Every Day with These 10 Simple TipsHow to Help Children Cope with Grief and Loss

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1Exercise and Depression, WebMD, February 18, 2020, https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

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How To Deal With Loneliness And Resentment After Divorce - Solo Living

After a divorce, feelings of loneliness and resentment are usually especially aggravated. We get used to a particular person, lifestyle, habits, and shared rituals. 

When we break up with a partner, it’s time to rebuild our lives. So, how can we cope with living alone after divorce, and is it necessary to cope with it at all? Let’s find out in this article.

Loneliness After Divorce

5 Ways to Cope

Loneliness accompanies us all in our lives. It’s part of the journey of finding yourself. In the broadest sense, loneliness is about abandonment or having no one to talk to or spend time with, often identified as not belonging to any group and the devastation associated with it.  

On a deeper psychological level, loneliness after divorce separation is not dreadful. It is about “returning home” because we come into this world alone and leave it alone too.

The concept of “returning home” means that you accept the state of loneliness as a given from birth. Therefore, you do not need to resist loneliness, but instead, make it your true friend and comrade-in-arms. How?

First of all, you are not morally and completely financially dependent on other people after divorce. And if everything is more or less clear with financial independence, the moral freedom of not being responsible for a partner brings the opportunity to work hard on oneself and one’s identity.

Secondly, when loneliness is your good friend, you get high from everything you love in this life, without “tying” your happiness to any particular person or love relationship in general.

We determine what loneliness is for us. If we treat it as something devastating, then it will be so. But, on the other hand, if you see advantages and even some romance in loneliness, it will be an exciting journey for you.

However, extreme loneliness after divorce has its specific outcomes since it is directly connected with personal relationships and feelings of uselessness and insecurity in love affairs. 

The sphere of relations is very vulnerable. That is why even when realising our value and being self-sufficient, we experience stress when a gap occurs in personal relationships. Divorce can undermine the self-confidence of absolutely any person, as it affects the most “painful” points — self-love, confidence in the future, realisation through relationships.

Such an attitude can qualitatively lower self-esteem, but it is possible to cope with loneliness and get to know your most exciting self if you follow our working techniques.

So, how to start a new life, move forward, and discover the positive side of this feeling?

1. Build self-reliance

In Gestalt therapy, there is such a thing as “self-reliance”. It means that a person has an inner confidence and understands they can live without another. But, naturally, this does not cancel the feeling of loss (physical and emotional).

Self-reliance is not about indifference to others. It is about taking responsibility for your life, the relationships you build with people, and the place you occupy in your system of values. The problem is that as long as we choose another person for direct support, all our strength will be spent on controlling their behaviour, which we can’t really control. It only reinforces the emptiness after divorce.

After any painful breakup or divorce, the main thing is not to have a pity party. Instead, shift the focus from the situation and the ex-partner to yourself. Start building self-reliance that will allow you to avoid feeling lost after divorce, and grow your self-confidence, a sense of self-worth, and uniqueness.

Other people are situational support. The proper support is on the inner core of oneself. Your inner self is an excellent resource to share and be ourselves simultaneously.

Being happy alone after divorce is our primary goal. If you feel good about yourself, if you don’t need the presence of another to feel okay, you can choose a suitable environment. As a result, you can have satisfying relationships and don’t be afraid to talk about what is comfortable for you. That’s what helps you defend your rights and boundaries.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist, lecturer, and philosopher, also wrote about self-reliance. In his essay, he states that society hurts people’s growth. However, Emerson believed that self-sufficiency gives a person in society the freedom to discover their true self and achieve their true independence.

2. Find a new routine

If you have lived with a person for a long time, it is natural that you have an everyday routine. And the longer your union, the more ingrained habits. It’s time to find and create a new pattern! Post-divorce is the surest reason to start a new life, and it consists of new habits. Regular intake of healthy food, daily routine, sleep schedule, and exercise will positively affect your mental health and physical wellbeing.

Think about what really pleases you. Perhaps you have long wanted to try yoga or a dance class. Or maybe it’s time to change your hairstyle and hair colour? Let divorce not be a tragedy for you (even if it felt that way at first), but the beginning of a new life where there is room for self-love and positive changes.

The very concept of “fighting loneliness after divorce” is fundamentally wrong. On the contrary, embrace this feeling of independence and make it your ally.

3. Travel! It’s worth it

Divorce combat is usually fraught with being “stuck” in the same emotions. Travel is an excellent solution to this problem. Not only does travelling abroad have a positive effect on expanding our horizons, but it also allows us to “change the picture” in our minds. So get together with your friends or your kids and go on a journey that inspires you. Absorb new places, atmosphere, people, the beauty of new surroundings. Allow yourself to indulge in living alone after divorce!

4. Not lonely after divorce, but grateful

When a stressful period comes into our lives, we forget how important it is to be grateful. So if you are surviving loneliness after divorce, do a daily gratitude practice. Don’t be in a hurry to roll your eyes: if it seems to you that the gratitude journal is stupid at first glance, just try it.

For example, thank the universe for your children and the time you spend with them. Thank yourself too — for your fortitude, courage, desire to have a better and happier life. Don’t be stingy with the big or small “thank you moments.”

For example, write how happy and grateful you are for being healthy and prosperous. Rejoice at the opportunity to be who you want and develop (a woman does not have such a privilege in all countries). Or perhaps the morning routine spent over coffee and a croissant makes you a little happier today? Write anything that makes you smile in your gratitude journal.

5. Remember the most important person in your life is you

Never be your own enemy. Don’t force yourself to feel happy if you don’t. Accept the loneliness after the end of a relationship. It is natural, as you have lost someone important in your life. This person is gone physically and emotionally.

During this period, you may also feel alienated and not need to communicate with others. Let yourself have this “social respite.” Loneliness is part of the process of moving forward. If you are two years after divorce still depressed, contact a psychologist and start therapy. If you feel like you can’t do it yourself, get help. Treatment has every chance of changing your life for the better forever.

What if I feel resentment after a divorce?

Divorce emotions can vary. There are a number of reasons why you might experience resentment after divorce, loneliness or depression. 

A painful breakup can take you down an emotional roller coaster of anger, grief, sadness, and even shame. If you got divorced because of infidelity or abuse, you need to be mindful of your emotions. Accept them, allow yourself to live them, but don’t let them take over your life.

If you have children and are lonely after your partner left, you must remember that only one rule always works: happy parent = happy children. This means that you must do everything to be a happy person.

How do you deal with resentment after divorce?

As with the gratitude journal, use pen and paper to complete an exercise for letting resentment go. Be specific about what upsets you. For example:

“I am angry and feel jealous that my ex has divorced me and is already going to marry again,” or

“I am bitter that the person whom I loved and from whom I gave birth to children cheated on me without any remorse.”

Put your pain on paper and do it until you feel better. 

The next step is to reformulate the first statement. The problem with resentment is that it makes us look at something in a negative light when it is actually a blessing in disguise.

For example:

“They have a new passion? Great! Now they will have to listen to the boring stories about work” or

“I thank my ex for great children and will always be grateful for this, despite our relationship story.” 

Write and forget. Usually, in such practices, fire is used to symbolise purification. So burn your affirmations and move on to a new life. Being alone after divorce is an opportunity to become the best version of yourself. To enjoy life. So many new and exciting things are waiting for you!

Final thoughts

Divorce is often associated with a sad end, but it is an opportunity to start life from scratch. To love all the people who surround you even more. Work on your self-development, and see how amazing and inspiring this world can be.

“After the divorce, I feel lonely. especially on weekends." 4 kinds of love

“After the divorce, I feel lonely. especially on weekends"

The case with my other patient Oksana is typical. After her divorce from her husband, she began to experience bouts of depression. It began to seem to her that "there is no further way for her." She began to "feel lonely, especially on weekends." However, after my seminars, she felt better and her life began to change for the better.

Oksana first came to me five years ago when she started having problems with her husband. In general, they lived together for 17 years. Solid time. During this time, a "socialist" strong family was preserved. And in one unbeautiful day, it disintegrated unfavorably. In my opinion, if you look, they didn’t even have to live together for a year. But it happened. nine0003

Often sensuality overtakes the sprout of love, so that the root remains weak and easily breaks out.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Oksana's other problem was that for a long time she couldn't leave a job she didn't like. But after my seminars, she changed several jobs. And as a result, her salary increased three times! This case proves how you can qualitatively change your life if you are not afraid to go in the direction of growth. Whenever you choose the path of growth, you may end up in a different place, and maybe you won’t come back. And thank God. nine0003

Oksana is sanguine by nature - lively, mobile, relatively easy to experience failures and troubles. She smiles charmingly.

But when she was still a girl, her parents raised her to the point where, in her emotional reactions, she began to resemble a melancholic, who can be described as easily vulnerable, inclined to deeply experience even minor failures, but outwardly sluggishly reacts to the environment.

And her scene circles in life began to resemble one another. Everything is the same. Even with me, she began to practice a few scenario moves. When he gets offended, he leaves immediately. nine0003

But after my seminar-lessons, she began to change. Previously, she was offended for several months, then she began to be offended for several days. Now she takes offense at me for 15-20 minutes.

What does this say? Depression cannot be removed immediately. Nothing happens right away. But after special psychological training Oksana returns to herself. And even at one of the seminars I read out my “Report for the period…”.

Here is a quote from it:

If a person loves only one person and is indifferent to the rest of his neighbors, his love is not love, but symbiotic dependence or exaggerated selfishness. nine0010

Erich Fromm

“I am changing. I feel like I'm changing. I don't even know which way yet. I think the most important thing is that I'm moving. I make mistakes, I quarrel with previously close people, I build relationships with others. Sometimes wrong and wrong, but moving on. I force myself to listen to my speeches at seminars 5-10 times. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to listen to yourself, sometimes it’s bitter, sometimes it’s normal ... ”

When I read this quote, I made a remark to Oksana: “How should one evaluate oneself? Always - according to the highest result. And you are "fine". But since you consider your behavior to be “normal”, you won’t jump two meters by accident. You just need to think about why the "norm" does not work out every time. nine0003

Then Oksana answered me like this: “I understand everything, but if I start scolding myself for saying this and that, then I will turn back again. After all, this is all me - speaking in a shrill voice, arguing with Mikhail Efimovich, aggressively defending something, sobbing out loud, this is all me! These are different facets of me. At that time I could only speak like this, I could only prove something like this. I couldn't, I couldn't do it any other way.

I understand that now I will not accept myself so different, for me there is no further way. So I spin in quotation marks around me, learning to accept, understand and love. nine0003

And when I accept myself, then others will accept, where can I go without it? It became easier to communicate with people. I was surprised to see that I can give feedback even to my ex-husband. This is very strange for me, because my usual reaction is to be offended and keep silent.

In general, I think that I can give painless feedback only when I am not emotionally involved in the situation and I am not afraid to spoil the relationship with the person. In general, everything is slow.

Life is moving. Working. And recently, unexpectedly for me, I once again raised my salary. nine0003

Respect is not fear and reverence; it means, in accordance with the root of the word, the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Respect means wanting the other person to grow and develop as they are.

Erich Fromm

I study English 3 times a week. She began to study logic in the Moscow "Cross". Learned about graduate school. The son entered the budget at a prestigious university as a prize-winner of the Olympiad. I'm building a relationship with him. Recently, in the heat of the moment, he said that he would gladly leave me. I don’t give him money and I don’t cook, am I stupid? My first reaction was tears. And through tears - do they live with their parents, only if they give money and cook? nine0003

And then I realized what am I doing? I make a person feel guilty. Yes, and it's time to break the chain with him.

I tell him: “You know, I’m very sad to hear this, but I love you, let’s think, maybe we can really shoot something for you?” Surprised, he said, “Not yet. I'll live with you for now." So, according to your terms, the principle of depreciation worked. Now my son is on vacation. I hope that when he arrives, the relationship will be healthier.

Here's an unexpected optimistic answer I heard from my listener Oksana. I was very pleased. nine0003

But Oksana shared two more "problems".

“I feel lonely, especially on weekends,” Oksana complained to me. - This is not the loneliness when it's hard with yourself. No, I like to be alone, but when I want.

But when I am forced to be alone, it's hard. I think maybe I have too much free time?

IMPORTANT digression.


I answered her like this: “You are definitely messing around. Loneliness is a normal human condition. On the one hand, we are a herd animal and should be with people. On the other hand, as human beings we should be alone, like sea animals whales, whose ancestors were land animals. Whales have not lost contact with land, for example, the life of gray whales is closely connected with coastal land. Moreover, sometimes they enter such shallow bays or lagoons that they practically cannot swim in them, i.e. they periodically contact the land. So are we. nine0074

We are social beings, we cannot live without each other. But we gain all our best personal qualities when we are alone. And therefore, when you are alone, rejoice and do what you want.

This text is an introductory fragment.


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Is there life after divorce? | Man and woman

Much depends on the remnants of the former couple's feelings. But in all breakups there is something in common: something bad and something good. Let's try to see these common moments for many people and figure out what is more - the long-awaited deliverance from a tormenting problem or pain due to the loss of a loved one.

Divorce inevitably changes our lives, and as a result, depression often occurs. After a divorce, people around you may perceive you differently, a new status is hung by society - a divorced person, lonely again. It may be difficult to cope with the fact that some seemingly mundane things that were done together day in and day out will now again have to be done alone. nine0003 Even if you were ready for a breakup, it will still be very difficult to go through it
Photo: Depositphotos

Cleaning, shopping or cooking can serve as a daily reminder of the past life left behind. And if in these moments to remember the good, then it certainly becomes painful. Even if there was a deliverance from the so-called shackles. All the same, there was a habit of what is now gone. And this reminder often overshadows moments of joy. Even if you were ready for a breakup, it will still be very difficult to survive it. nine0003

You may often think, “Oh, if only…” and imagine possible beautiful moments in your relationship that will never happen again. In order not to experience this burden for the rest of your life, you should follow the banal advice of psychologists as soon as possible: "Keep living and try to enjoy life again, seeing the beauty around you." Such a simple and seemingly ineffective advice is fraught with a deep meaning, which should be understood as early as possible, because only by continuing to live and enjoying every day, you can leave the past with all its hardships behind. Divorce is nothing more than a ticket to a new life
Photo: Depositphotos

It often happens that family life leaves no time for some favorite activities. It can be watching movies, reading, exercising, or something that you didn’t have time for before, but what you really wanted. Assess your position in a positive light. Now this time will finally appear, and you can spend it on your favorite pastime or on steps towards the realization of new desires, without thinking about how your ex-partner will react to it. It is even possible to move to another city, which will surely break all ties with the past and make you live in the present or build a happy future again, but from new bricks. During such a period, it is worth taking a long-awaited vacation and going on a trip to where you have long dreamed of. nine0003

No matter how painful and unpleasant divorce is, it is nothing more than a ticket to a new life that you will build according to your own rules. It is worth remembering that your life goes on, and there are so many interesting, beautiful, wonderful things around.

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