Therapy for relationship trust issues
6 steps for repairing trust issues from a couples therapist — Inland Empire Couples Counseling
This post is the final in our series about trust issues in relationships. Our first post addressed what trust is and gave the story of a couple who healed their relationship trust issues, the second post went into more detail about how trust issues in relationships develop. And in this post we’re talking about how to heal and how to deal with trust issues and insecurities in relationships.
Sometimes identifying what the problems are is a challenge itself. For today we’re going to assume that you know your relationship has trust issues.
You have the same go-nowhere conversations, you keep going round and round with your partner, and the two of you just can’t get to a place where you both feel completely safe and secure in the relationship.
You’re never fully letting your guard down. Maybe you feel like you know a lot about your partner but there are still parts of themselves they just won’t let you see.
Your relationship has trust issues.
What do you do to heal trust issues and insecurities in your relationship?
You CANNOT skip this step! None of the rest of the steps will work if you rush through or try to skip this one.
Both partners in the relationship need to have a deep understanding of where the trust issues or insecurities are coming from. This is a little easier if they are from incidents or relationships that happened before you two got together. If the trust issues developed from this relationship, doing the work of deep understanding will be harder and still vitally important.
This isn’t about blame or shame. It’s not rehashing all the old mistakes of one of you (or both of you). Understanding is an essential part of healing. If I’m going to build trust in you, I need you to know my tender parts so you’ll know how to be sensitive to them in the future. If I know that you know how badly I was hurt by something you did and I see that you understand my feelings, I can start to build hope that you won’t hurt me like that again.
If the understanding is missing, I don’t have a hope of that. Your apology means nothing because I know you don’t know what you’re apologizing for. I really need you to see what went wrong so that we can not do it again. If we don’t really understand what went wrong, the problem could (and probably will) repeat.
After you understand what happened, acknowledge the feelings associated with that event or events. This can be pretty simple and is very powerful. Here are some examples of what that might look like:
“You felt judged and shamed by kids at school for how you dressed. That’s why you’re really sensitive to any comments about how you look. That makes sense to me.”
“You feel invisible when we spend time with my friends. It’s like I forget you exist because I’m so excited to see them. And that makes your anxiety worse.”
“I said I was going to support you in going on that trip with your friends.
And then I complained to you about how hard it was on me and how you get all the good things. You felt confused and angry. That makes it hard to trust me when I say I’ll support you in something.”“You felt embarrassed.”
“You were betrayed.”
“You were sad and angry.”
When you’re talking about trust issues or insecurities that happened before the two of you got together, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. You can still show some empathy and compassion for your partner with something like “I’m sorry that you went through that” or “I wish that didn’t happen to you” or “You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.”
Apologies are NOT excuses or explanations or justifications. Don’t weaken your apology by giving excuses or justifications for why you did what you did. And don’t ruin it by reminding your partner of what they did wrong. (There’s a time for that if you need to go through this process again to focus on your hurt feelings.
But when you’re apologizing and listening to your partner, this is about helping them.)Apologies are about taking ownership for the impact of your actions. They aren’t about intentions. Even if you didn’t intend to hurt or disappoint your partner, you did. Your apology should take responsibility for the impact of your actions. Let’s look back at some examples from step 3 and add in an apology statement.
“You felt judged and shamed by kids at school for how you dressed. That’s why you’re really sensitive to any comments about how you look. That makes sense to me. I’m sorry you experienced that. You didn’t deserve it.”
“You feel invisible when we spend time with my friends. It’s like I forget you exist because I’m so excited to see them. And that makes your anxiety worse. I can see that I’ve been doing that to you for years. I wasn’t trying to make you feel that way, and yet I did.
I am sorry.”“I said I was going to support you in going on that trip with your friends. And then I complained to you about how hard it was on me and how you get all the good things. You felt confused and angry. That makes it hard to trust me when I say I’ll support you in something. I’m sorry I broke your trust in that way. I need to figure out how to support you better so that when I say I support you I can follow through on that. I want you to be able to believe what I say, and I’m sorry I haven’t lived up to that”
“You felt embarrassed. I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”
“You were sad and angry. I can see that my actions reminded you of old situations. I am sorry that you had to relive those old painful memories.”
CAUTION: Do not offer apologies you don’t mean. Your partner will be able to tell that you’re insincere and this will worsen the trust issues in your relationship.
If you think their description of your behavior is wrong or you don’t think you made a mistake, don’t apologize insincerely just because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do or it’s what your partner expects of you. Remember, the apology is about taking ownership of the impact of your actions. So, if you can’t agree completely with your partner’s description of the wrong, you can still understand them, acknowledge their feelings, and take ownership of what you feel you honestly can. Sometimes all we can honestly take ownership of is something like “I’m sorry we got into a fight about this” or “I’m sorry I was impatient” or “I didn’t listen to you when you really needed to be heard.” Say that then! It’s better than offering an insincere apology.
Go back to our list on what destroys trust, and do the opposite.
In essence, follow through, be honest in your words, don’t hide things, and apologize when you were wrong, made a mistake, or misunderstood something
Be clear about your relationship contracts.
Talk to each other about what you expect from each other. Don’t overpromise. And then follow through on what you said you would do. Monogamous couples (especially heterosexual monogamous couples) can learn a lot from the polyamorous community on this topic. In open or polyamorous relationships, they HAVE to talk very openly about what is and is not okay, where their boundaries are. These open conversations build trust. Having sex with another person might not destroy trust and isn’t considered cheating if the couple has agreed in advance that this is okay. Having sex with another person when you’re in a monogamous relationship IS a trust destroyer because that action goes against the terms of the relationship contract.
If your partner wants to spend every weekend together and you know you need 2 weekends each month to do your own thing or get together with your friends, don’t agree to be there every weekend for your partner! Tell them “I love that you want us to spend time together.
And for me to be my best self, I also need time alone and time with friends. I can promise that I will spend 2 weekends each month just with you.” It is MUCH better for building trust in your relationship for you to say you can give 2 weekends and then show up consistently for 2 weekends than if you promise all 4 weekends and can’t stick to it.
In short those are things that break the relationship contract
You also break trust when you over promise and under deliver - this is the most subtly insidious eroder of trust in relationships
Don’t lie
Don’t use things said to you in a tender moment as a weapon in a fight
Your partner can do all the right things and it can still not be enough to fix the trust issues in your relationship if you don’t allow the trust to build. This requires some vulnerability and risk. And we hope that the risk feels worth it because of the closeness and connection you will gain.
Sometimes people are so hurt they don’t want to let trust build. It doesn’t feel safe. Usually when we see this in our clients, it’s because the couple has skipped too quickly through the first 3 steps. The hurt person CAN’T let trust build because they don’t feel understood, they don’t have the confidence that their partner understands what went wrong so that they can feel secure in it not happening again.
Trust in relationships isn’t all or nothing. It builds slowly and in small steps. We don’t want you to feel unsafe because you trusted too quickly and then got your heart broken again. So when your partner offers an apology and takes some steps to rebuild trust, you can choose to trust them a little more. Give yourself (or give your partner) the space and patience to allow this natural process to unfold. You’ll notice over time that you feel more relaxed, that trusting your partner doesn’t feel like such a risk anymore because you have lived the experience of them showing up for you.
You might even get to a point where you would say the trust issues in your relationship are healed! And wouldn’t that be great!
I’ve laid out for you here the 6 basic steps for how to deal with trust issues and insecurities in your relationship. They are the basic steps, but that doesn’t mean they are easy steps. If you read these steps and felt hopeful and excited to share them with your partner, please do!
If you read these steps and felt discouraged because you’ve tried some of this before or you don’t think you and your partner are capable of doing these things on your own because it’s just too painful or gets too messy, please reach out for help. Our trained couples therapists know how to help you through the process of rebuilding trust in your relationship. We know how to set the right environment for these conversations to go well. We know how to help you slow down so that you can really see and connect with each other.
And these aren’t just more empty words and promises. Our therapists help couples through this process every week. We know how to help deal with trust issues in relationships!
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, and communication skills. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapists in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Temecula CA. Please reach out for help.
How to Deal With Trust Issues
How to Deal With Trust Issues
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Music Credits: Monk Turner + Fascinoma, “Trust (Is Just A Word)”
How to Deal with Trust Issues
Having “trust issues” can be a good thing. It takes a long time to get to know people, and not all people are trustworthy.
Part of having healthy boundaries is practicing discernment. When you figure out who is emotionally safe for you (and who isn’t) and then act accordingly, you are helping your own personal growth to develop.
What Are Trust Issues?
You might think that people have “trust issues” related to a partner who has betrayed them in the past. This a reasonable assumption: many people wouldn’t trust someone after they’ve been betrayed and their trust has been damaged.
However, having doubts in a relationship where trust has been broken is not an “issue.” It’s a normal, healthy response to be suspicious of someone who may not be trustworthy. (As evidenced by past experiences.) Repairing trust in a relationship is an entirely different thing than having “trust issues” that you carry around with you.
Please check out “Sorry’s just not good enough: How to repair trust,” and “Repairing Trust After Infidelity” for more on this topic.
There’s a distinction between broken trust and the trust issues I’m going to talk about today.
I will talk about feeling mistrustful or not feeling safe in a relationship even if nothing terrible has happened.
Learning how to deal with trust issues and insecurities in a relationship in which nothing bad has happened is challenging. Having these types of trust issues are also really common.
These are the signs you should watch out for to recognize whether or not you have some trust issues to work on:
- You’ve been hurt or betrayed by people in the past.
- You doubt your partner despite the absence of betrayal.
- You often question if your partner is trustworthy or is telling the truth.
- You are extra-vigilant for any signs of lying, cheating, and concealing.
- You perpetually feel anxiety or insecurity about your relationship.
People With Trust Issues
Someone with trust issues will often have feelings of anxiety, worry or doubt about their relationship. This can result in big feelings, and attempts to get more information from your partner (which can wind up feeling to them like they’re being accused of something they didn’t do).
For example, a mistrustful person might ask for additional evidence regarding their partner’s whereabouts or what they were doing… but have a hard time believing anything their partner says.
If their partner can explain their whereabouts, or provide reassurance, that additional information might temporarily soothe the anxiety or insecurity, but it’s a trap — it doesn’t resolve the underlying cause of trust issues. Even if, in the moment, the explanation or reassurance helps, it’s only a matter of time before you start to worry again.
It’s exhausting.
Unfortunately, the constant cycle of worry – requests for information / reassurance – temporary soothing – more worry is exhausting for your partner’s emotional health too. If you have trust issues it feels like you’re always asking for reassurance that you’re emotionally safe. But your partner may feel like nothing is ever enough, and that they are not emotionally safe with you. It turns into a negative pursue / withdrawal relationship cycle that just keeps spiraling down.
Trust Issues in a Relationship
There is a difference between healthy caution and strong boundaries, and persistently feeling anxious about your relationship even after your partner is showing you they are trustworthy and emotionally safe.
Trust issues — if not dealt with and worked through — will eventually damage a relationship. Someone with trust issues will be worried most, if not all, of the time, which will place a great deal of pressure and strain on the relationship. This negatively impacts communication and emotional safety for both partners.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has trust issues you may feel like:
- You are walking on eggshells.
- Your partner is always upset with you.
- Your partner doesn’t respect you enough to trust you.
- You feel exhausted from having to provide constant reassurance or affection.
Over time, if your partner has unresolved trust issues you may begin to view them as being excessively needy or demanding.
The problem is that without lots of reassurance, the mistrustful person might think that you don’t love them, or that you’re doing something behind their back, or that you are angry with them.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is always thinking bad things about you, you aren’t going to feel loved, respected, or trusted. The relationship will stop feeling emotionally safe for you as a result.
Over time, you will feel yourself withdrawing emotionally — a self-fulfilling prophecy of your anxious partner’s worst nightmare come true!
How to Deal With Trust Issues and Insecurities
Trust issues will not heal or go away on their own. You need to actively address them. The first step is to recognize that unresolved trust issues are damaging your relationship. Therapy for trust issues is particularly useful if you become aware of longstanding patterns of feeling anxious or insecure in your relationships.
If you decide to pursue therapy to resolve trust issues, you should be sure that your therapist knows how to handle this type of relationship problem.
Ask your prospective therapist these questions:
- Why do you think people have trust issues?
- What is your process for helping someone overcome trust issues?
Your therapist should provide you with a coherent answer and explain it in ways that make sense to you. In particular, a therapist with a background in attachment theory, emotionally focused couples therapy and / or cognitive behavioral therapy can help.
Relational Trauma + Attachment Styles
Sometimes people develop trust issues after having had bad experiences in past relationships. It can be helpful to understand these past experiences as a “little t trauma” that needs to be resolved and healed.
Other times, particularly if trust issues are longstanding, you may discover over the course of individual therapy that the cause has more to do with your attachment style than with one specific “relationship trauma.”
What are attachment styles?
Attachment styles are the ways we relate to others that we developed through our early life experiences.
Most people are generally secure in their attachments to others. They trust people until given a reason not to do so. However, people whose earliest relationships were not always safe or consistent can develop “protective” attachment styles.
- Avoidant Attachment Style — You can become overly critical of others or actively reject other people. Avoidant people don’t trust anyone enough to get close to them and think they don’t need anyone.
- Anxious Attachment Style — People with an anxious attachment style feel insecure and doubtful of their romantic partners and may need extra reassurance. They might also unconsciously anticipate rejection. This anticipation isn’t something they consciously do.
Even people who are generally or were formerly secure in their relationships can exhibit qualities of the above attachment styles after having experienced a relationship trauma, which is wholly natural and valid.
Particularly after ending a toxic relationship, you may need to heal and recover to feel safe in your relationships again going forward.
Why Do I Have Trust Issues?
If you’re reading this and beating yourself up because you may have trust issues, it’s time to stop. Having self-compassion and understanding that there is a reason you feel the way you do is the first step of healing.
Being compassionate with yourself cultivates healthy self-awareness, and this is vital. Without awareness of your trust issues, you may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant and suspicious of your partner. Instead, the work ahead of you is learning how to provide yourself with soothing and reassurance to manage your anxiety in relationships.
How to Heal Trust Issues
To heal trust issues, you need an understanding of what’s going on inside your head, self-awareness, and compassion for yourself. People with trust issues have experienced relational trauma, and it would help both partners if they understood that these feelings are real and normal.
However, their feelings are not related to the current relationship.
If you have trust issues, you need to learn how to manage your anxiety and respond to your triggers effectively. Having individual therapy or relationship counseling can be helpful. Be kind to yourself, your partner, and your relationship by taking responsibility for your feelings.
How to Overcome Trust Issues
Here are a few resources that can support your work to overcome trust issues.
- Go through a process of evidence-based cognitive behavioral therapy with someone who understands relational trauma and attachment styles.
- Take online courses, such as our Happiness Class. It will not explicitly resolve your trust issues, but it will set your expectations.
By undergoing therapy, you can reprocess your relational trauma, learn how to handle your anxiety, and know your triggers. These things will lead to a healthier relationship and set you on the path to healing.
Just remember, that this type of healing can be quite slow.
It’s important to be committed to the process of therapy. Especially if you’ve had trust issues for a long time (or trust issues that stem from early life experiences) this is not going to go away overnight.
But you can learn to understand them, manage them, and cultivate safety and security in your most important relationships.
For now, I am wishing you all the very best on your journey of growth and healing.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
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Trust Issues In Your Relationship? Here’s What to Do
If you’ve ever felt insecure in a relationship or found it difficult to trust your partner, and thought to yourself, “I think I have trust issues…” today’s episode of the podcast is for you.
Listen: I know from years of experience as a Denver therapist, marriage counselor and relationship coach that being wary of others after being hurt is normal and healthy — at least to a degree.
In my opinion, having “trust issues” can be a good thing. It takes a long time to get to know people, and not all people are trustworthy. Part of having healthy boundaries is practicing discernment: figuring out who is emotionally safe for you (and who isn’t) and then acting accordingly.
If you’ve been burned in the past, it’s normal to feel twinges of anxiety as you become increasingly vulnerable with a new person. You’re still getting to know them and figuring out whether or not they’re trustworthy. Let’s not label healthy apprehension as problematic “trust issues” that need to be eradicated. It’s your emotional guidance system’s way of being protective of you, and telling you to slow down and take your time to get to know people.
How to Deal With Trust Issues
Being compassionate with yourself cultivates healthy self awareness, and this is vital.
Particularly if you’ve been hurt in past relationships, it’s absolutely normal to have “trust issues” that need to be worked on in your new relationship.
But here’s the thing to know: There is a difference between healthy caution and strong boundaries, and persistently feeling anxious about your relationship even after your partner is showing you they are trustworthy and emotionally safe.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is (generally, if not perfectly) kind, emotionally safe, and consistent, and you’re still watching their every move, feeling like an over-caffeinated feral cat ready to run for your life at the slightest twitch… you might have trust issues.
What are trust issues? Having trust issues means that the source of your mistrust and feelings of insecurity are not due to what’s happening in the relationship, but are stemming from unresolved wounds you experienced in past relationships. If you have been hurt in the past (particularly if you’ve survived a toxic relationship) and never really worked through it, you could be with the most honest and trustworthy person in the world and still struggle to trust them fully.
Because your feelings of mistrust have nothing to do with them, specifically. You’d carry armloads of anxiety with you into every relationship.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yep, that’s me.” [Raising hand] “Right here. I have trust issues.” I’d like you to know that it’s really important that you work on trust issues and not blow them off or live with them for too long.
The reason is that if you have unresolved trust issues in a relationship that run rampant, they can wind up harming your relationships. Even sabotaging them. And as your unresolved trust issues implode your relationships, one after another, it will only create more hurtful experiences and increasingly entrenched “trust issues” for you to work through down the road.
If you’ve become aware that you might have trust issues, especially trust issues in relationships, it’s important to take action to resolve them.
How to Get Over Trust Issues
That’s why on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, we’re talking all about how to overcome trust issues.
I’ll be answering questions like,
“What are trust issues?”
“What causes trust issues?
“Why do I have trust issues?”
And most importantly: “How to get over trust issues?”
I will share with you the signs of trust issues. You will also learn how a lack of trust can hurt you, your partner, and your relationship. As a licensed psychologist and relationship coach, I will discuss how you can start overcoming trust issues and start feeling more secure in your most important relationships.
Tune in to the full interview to learn how you can let go of your trust issues to:
- Learn how to overcome trust issues that create problems for your relationship.
- Find out the causes of trust issues.
- Learn how to manage feelings of anxiety in relationships
- Understand how and why you should take responsibility for your emotions and response.
- Know the effects of trust issues on your relationship and partner.
Ready to start? You can listen to this “How to Deal With Trust Issues” podcast on Spotify, on the Apple Podcast App, or scroll down to the bottom of this page to listen to it on GrowingSelf.com. (Or anywhere else you like to listen to podcasts.) While you’re listening to this episode, don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast!
If you’re more of a reader than a listener, keep reading to learn more about about “how to deal with trust issues” and get an overview of what I’m discussing in today’s show…
Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast
How to Deal With Trust Issues
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Music Credits: Monk Turner + Fascinoma, “Trust (Is Just A Word)”
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Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC
Dr.
Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Learn more about Dr. Lisa
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Experience: 10 years
Approaches: gestalt therapy, projective methods, military psychology.
Problems: adaptation of military personnel taking part in combat operations, PTSD in adults and children,
difficulties in family relationships, anxiety, depression.
Alexey Vydysh
Family and corporate psychologist, mediator, supervisor, trainer, facilitator
Experience: 10 years.
Approaches: client-centered approach, CPT, existential analysis, systems approach, psychodrama.
Problems: personal growth and self-realization, professional activity, negotiation and conflicts, family relations, existential crises.
Alina Sazonova
Psychotherapist
Experience: 6 years.
Approaches: gestalt therapy, art therapy, integrative approach, NLP. nine0005
Problems: dissatisfaction with life, insecurity and indecision, low self-esteem, loneliness, dislike of one's job and lifestyle, self-realization, problems in romantic relationships.
Ekaterina Astakhova
Family psychologist, adolescent psychologist
Experience: 7 years.
Approaches: psychodynamics, work with children/adolescents and families, art therapy.
Problems: child-parent relationships, conflicts, career guidance, self-esteem, anxiety, psychosomatics, self-awareness. nine0005
Olesya Moroz
Psychotherapist, sexologist, gestalt consultant
Experience: 13 years.
Approaches: CBT, symbol drama, art therapy, gestalt approach.
Problems: sexological problems, work with traumatic experiences, depression, apathy, self-damaging behavior, self-discovery.
Karina Dudareva
Art therapist, child and family psychologist
Experience: 4 years
Approaches: art therapy, body therapy, prize therapy, CBT, child psychology.
Problems: children's behavior, fears, uncertainty, communication difficulties, neuroses, motivation. In adults: low self-esteem, dwelling on crises, negative beliefs, developmental trauma.
Viktoriya Antonova
Trauma therapist, CBT consultant
Experience: 15 years
Approaches: transactional analysis, CETA therapy (cognitive-behavioral therapy approach). nine0005
Problems: panic attacks, stress, burnout, loss of meaning, self-perception, fatherhood and relationship with a child, relationship breakdown, childhood trauma, obsessive thoughts and memories.
Elena Dulova
Psychologist, family psychologist
Experience: 15 years.
Approaches: CBT, gestalt therapy, art therapy.
Problems: emotional instability, child-parent relationships, crises, losses, anxiety, fears, relationships in the family, in a couple, fatherhood, conflicts with others, internal conflicts.
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Irina Filenko
Child, adolescent, family psychologist
Experience: 9 years.
Approaches: family therapy, art therapy, methods and techniques based on the strengths of the client.
Problems: relationship with a child, conflict situations in the family, adolescent crisis, alienation and aggression of adolescents, resource for fatherhood, gender characteristics of growth.
Olga Basista
Psychologist-sexologist, gestalt therapist
Experience : 9 years.
Approaches: gestalt therapy, positive psychotherapy, sexology.
Problems: sexuality, psychological or emotional dependence, anger, resentment, loneliness, shame of yourself and your feelings, self-esteem, anxiety, fears, panic attacks, problems in relationships, search for motivation.
Olga Beleva
Psychologist, family therapist
Experience: 4 years
Approaches: Systemic family therapy, client-centered therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy.
Problems: anxiety, emotional breakdowns in loved ones, emotional depression or apathy, relationships in a couple / with children / with parents, problems of loneliness, leaving relationships.
Tatyana Sevastyanova
Psychologist, family psychotherapist
Experience: 20 years.
Approaches: gestalt therapy, family systems therapy, art therapy. nine0005
Problems: crises, co-dependent relationships, conflicts, grief and loss, anxiety and depression, low self-esteem and self-doubt.
Olga Pribylskaya
Psychologist-consultant
Experience: 7 years.
Approaches: catathym-immaginative psychotherapy (symboldrama) and art therapy.
Problems: Difficulties in couples, family, self-discovery, self-esteem issues, loss, fears and phobias. Formation of life plans, career and goal setting.
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Yulia Dontsova
Analytical psychologist
Experience: 4 years.
Approaches: analytical direction, integrative approach.
Problems: co-dependent relationships, living through the stages of change (liberation, divorce, relocation), parent-child relationships, communication in a couple, anxiety, fears, internal imbalance.
Yulia Yakunina
Family counselor, adolescent psychologist
Experience: 10 years.
Approaches: positive psychotherapy, fairy tale therapy, meditative technique.
Problems: situations of conflict (including financial aspects), infidelity, divorce, fear of death, anger, resentment, guilt, loneliness, LGBT problems.
Roksoliana Vovk
CPT - consultant, gestalt consultant
Experience: 5 years.
Approaches: cognitive behavioral and gestalt therapy.
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Problems: anxiety, depression, panic, lack of confidence, fear of interaction with the world, difficulties in relationships with loved ones, traumatic experience, difficulty in making a decision, self-doubt.
Irina Pikushchenko
Systemic family therapist
Experience: 15 years.
Approaches: family therapy, gestalt approach, constellation.
Problems: family and relationships in it, intrapersonal conflicts and problems in communication with the world, choosing a profession and finding one's own path, relations between a man and a woman. nine0005
Irina Saltykova
Practical psychologist
Experience: 15 years.
Approaches: psychodiagnostics, psychocorrection, psychoeducation, development, consultations for parents and children.
Problems: organization of space development for a "special" child, support for parents of a child with special needs, work with children and adolescents with behavioral problems, depression, fears
Valentina Shost
Psychologist, consultant in the method of positive psychotherapy
Experience: 5 years.
Approaches: psychoanalysis, coaching, symbol drama and positive psychotherapy.
Problems: aero- and other phobias, internal disharmony, relationships with others, anxiety, search for oneself, self-realization, fear of publicity, negative experiences.
Amina Karimova
Psychologist-consultant
Experience: 10 years
Approaches: analytical psychology, art therapy, transactional analysis, body orientation therapy.
Problems: crises, PTSD, gender-based violence (including domestic violence). I will be useful in working with anxiety, depression, burnout and self-esteem.
Maria Yanchuk
Psychologist-consultant, family psychologist
Experience: 8 years.
Approaches: transactional analysis, psychological analysis method, neuropsychological techniques, art therapy. nine0005
Problems: constructive communication, parent-child problems, increased/lowered emotionality, choice problems, self-doubt, LGBTQ+ problems.
Maria Sobko
Psychologist-consultant
Experience: 5 years.
Approaches: family systems therapy.
Problems : difficulties in relationships with a partner, family and, above all, with oneself, inner support, anxiety, search for work-life balance, work with attitudes and life scenarios, emotional burnout. nine0005
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resend02/21/2020
A strong marriage does not work on its own - relationships need to be worked on.
If you are striving to build a harmonious and lasting relationship with a partner, it is important to initially build trust in each other. nine0791 Psychology professor John Gottman has observed over 3,000 couples in his 40 years of practice. He came to the conclusion that the main problem in marriage is distrust. In most cases, the cause of conflicts between lovers is precisely the lack of trust in each other.
Trust in a couple is a feeling of complete calmness, open relationships that are built on confidence in the honesty and decency of the other person towards you.
At the very beginning of a relationship, namely in the period of falling in love, initial trust is established. Unfortunately, it cannot last forever, and as soon as doubt appears in relation to your partner, trust dies. The reason for this is the desire of a man and a woman to seem better at the beginning of building a relationship. Over time, as relationships become habitual and lose their original novelty, we become ourselves.
We begin to study the partner, find out how trustworthy he is and look for all the pitfalls. At the same time, all our previous experience of building relationships comes to the surface, which largely explains the perception of a partner at this stage of the relationship. nine0005
The period of getting to know each other and accepting a partner with all his feelings and lived experience is a very important period for your further joint future. Therefore, despite the fact that past experiences interfere with each person, it is important to remember that without some risk, a fulfilling life and healthy relationships are impossible.
How to learn to trust each other and build harmonious relationships?
Personal space. nine0791 Complete trust can only be built in an environment of complete security. If you swear, humiliate each other verbally or physically, you create an unsafe environment for life and a lot of problems that lead to the destruction of relationships.
Also pay special attention to your desire to constantly control your partner - this is also your distrust. Do not obsess over your partner, do not control his life - live yours. Constant attempts to control only push you away from each other and destroy trust. nine0005
Therefore, if your partner wants to spend time with friends, learn to accept his desires and respond calmly to them. Remember that you can always calmly discuss what is unacceptable for you. For example, when a partner says that he wants to go to a nightclub with friends and girlfriends, and you understand that you do not like this idea, it is better to immediately discuss this point with a partner and thus avoid problems of mutual understanding in the future.
Tell us about your desires. nine0791 Often people do not tell each other about their needs and desires. It’s better not to make your partner guess what he should do for you and how to act in this or that situation. It is important that both of you understand this.
In the event that one of the partners shows constant care, and the other behaves more detached, as a result, one will begin to feel forgotten and unnecessary, and the other depressed. Such relationships are not healthy and therefore do not be afraid to be vulnerable - talk to each other about your wants and needs. nine0005
Learn to say NO. Don't forget that it's okay to try to give your partner something that will make him happy, but sometimes you just need to be able to say no. You and your partner need to understand and accept the fact that you can't always do everything your partner wants. In addition, if you are not afraid to refuse, your partner's respect for you may even grow. It is the ability to defend your interests that can increase the level of trust between you. The main thing is to learn to respect each other's personal boundaries and not go to extremes. nine0005
Tell the truth. In a relationship, you learn your partner so well that you understand their body language and facial expressions better than anyone else.
And it is quite obvious that attempts to hide the truth will be declassified. So that you both do not have to blush, feel embarrassed - be honest with each other. The most reliable and unshakable connection between people occurs when a person knows that he can believe every word of his loved one.
Be faithful to your partner. Your relationship will quickly become obsolete if one of the partners lacks the concept of loyalty and devotion. Of course, there are times when people recover from infidelity, but this will take a lot of time and the help of a psychologist. Therefore, it is very important to discuss the topic of loyalty in advance, to indicate your understanding of loyalty, personal boundaries and agree to be faithful to each other. And if it happened in your life that your relationship no longer brings you joy, it is better to sign up for a consultation with a psychologist, and do not look for a lover on the side. nine0005
No ulterior motives, only love.
In a relationship, both of you need to be sure that you are loved as a unique person, and not because of some other reason. Hidden motives may be your financial condition, charming appearance, or simply the fear of loneliness. Try to understand yourself in order to be sure that you are together with a person in mutual sincere love.
Relationships are a priority. It often happens that over time we take our partner for granted. Because of this, we neglect the interests and desires of each other. To prevent this from happening, try not to distance yourself from your partner by investing your time and energy in other people. Always remember your priorities and the person you have chosen. If you truly value your relationship, it will be at the top of your list. Give your relationship enough time, spend leisure time together, arrange interesting pastime for yourself and appreciate each other. nine0005
Remember that in any relationship there are difficulties and hardships.
However, if you keep an open mind about difficulties and work together to solve problems, the level of trust in your relationship will only grow.
See also
"I don't want to be a mom"
Motherhood is not always so perfect and wonderful, especially when a woman gives birth and finds out how it really is. For some reason, our mothers do not tell what motherhood really is, and what awaits a woman who has given birth. nine0005
How and when is trust formed?
What is trust and how it is formed from the first days of life. How to determine if your child trusts the world? And what needs to be done to build a trusting and happy relationship in the family.
Envy: how to channel negative emotion to your advantage nine0003
Envy is a feeling that is familiar to every person.
At least once in a lifetime, we have devalued our efforts, while admiring the successes and achievements of others. Envy is white and black, a person decides what to feel.
"Therapy cannot happen without trust." Elena Podmazina about therapeutic relationships
According to research results, psychotherapeutic relationships, that is, the level of trust and contact between the client and the psychotherapist, is one of the most important criteria for the effectiveness of psychotherapy. What is meant by trust in therapy and how to build it, says psychotherapist Elena Podmazina. nine0859
Why is trust an important component of effective therapy?
Therapy cannot happen without trust. An important criterion for successful therapy is a trusting relationship between the client and the therapist. And then this work will help in solving the client's problems. It is very difficult to "approach" the client's feelings and help him if he tries to squeeze words out of himself during the session, worries, feels insecure.
I would like to define such trust. Trust arises when I am accepted, heard, when I can open up to a person and feel safe next to him. Trust is the confidence of the client that the specialist will act for my benefit and will do everything possible for this. If I don't feel that the therapist is working for my good, then I perceive therapy as violence. This will cause fear, anger (at oneself or at the therapist). Therefore, trust is the foundation on which therapeutic work is built. nine0005
It is important to create an environment in which the client feels safe enough to express his feelings.
Therapy helps to establish such a client-therapist relationship, where the client gains the experience of self-acceptance, self-disclosure. Perhaps he can show himself with the therapist in a way that he has not shown with anyone else in his life. Based on this, the client can introduce such behavior in contact with other people. In communicating with the therapist, the client learns to support himself, rely on his feelings, trust, and begins to take care of himself more.
And all this happens only when there is trust. nine0005
What does the therapist do to build this trust? How long does it take?
These processes can be divided into formal and informal. One of the formal ones is the client's attitude to therapy - whether there was an experience of therapy, what kind of experience. This includes the education of a therapist. For some clients, it is important that the therapist has several specializations, some particular method. His experience and how he adheres to professional ethics is important. Keeping boundaries and respecting rules builds trust. It's generally okay to ask about education. The therapist will gladly tell you about his background. nine0005
When it comes to informal criteria, sometimes they are more important. This is a non-judgmental attitude of a psychotherapist and unconditional acceptance. How is it expressed? The therapist can accept any side of the client and treat him unconditionally positively.
And most importantly, it broadcasts to the person “Everything is fine, everything is fine with you.” This helps to open up, find a resource for internal transformations and build trust. Empathy also helps to open up. Irvin Yalom expressed this with the phrase "The opportunity to see the world from the client's window." It means to put yourself in his place and feel what he feels. When the client feels that he is accepted, understood, he is ready to invite the therapist into his inner world and open up to him. The therapist develops empathy through openness and sensitivity, which of course is facilitated by personal therapy. nine0005
It is also very important for a person to see that the psychotherapist sincerely listens to him, is interested, appreciates him. Just imagine that you will not be criticized, condemned, scolded. This not only inspires confidence, but also helps to accept those parts of ourselves that we previously assessed as negative.
Trust on the part of the therapist is also important.
This is the belief that the client will succeed, he will find a way - either with him or on his own.
When it comes to time, it varies. For someone, two sessions are enough to reveal some of their sides and start sharing. And someone needs a year to feel that the therapist definitely supports and understands. nine0005
You may be interested in: Client-therapist relationship. Rubric "Psychologists don't give advice"
Does a client in principle not ready to open up to someone and has trust issues as a result of trauma or childhood experience? What to do then?
This is not uncommon and is sometimes a separate request. In general, a child develops either a basic trust or a basic mistrust in childhood. For example, when a person has experienced physical or emotional abuse. He may have increased anxiety, distrust of the world and people. If the client's parents could not be held responsible for the child, the client may form the basic belief that he should take care of himself.
If a person has an experience of rejection in which he has felt a lot of shame for himself, he will later check the environment for safety. nine0005
It is very important to give time to both the client and yourself. It is necessary to convey to the client the idea that you are near and you will not leave him. This requires a lot of resources from the therapist as well. Strengthening the alliance requires effort and time from both sides.
On the net, you can find stories of clients who worry that they are lying to their therapist (for example, not to disappoint or out of shame). Surprisingly, this is not such a rare occurrence. What can you say to such clients?
It is normal not to trust a stranger. And it's really amazing how much credit of trust a person entrusts to a therapist when he shares his story, his innermost thoughts. And this is very valuable. And the therapist understands that this takes time. nine0005
For example, you could say, “You don't seem to trust me.
And that's okay. I'll have to do something so you can trust me. How do you think I can help you feel safe? The words are not as important as the message. Listen carefully to the client's fears and concerns. If the therapist thinks that the client must immediately trust him, and such delusions happen, this will already be violence, not therapy. It is important to obtain consent from the client to work with his inner world. nine0005
Recommended reading: “It’s not the format that matters, but the therapist’s professionalism”: Elena Sergeeva about online therapy and in terms of personal qualities and some special coincidence. Is it really important? How do you find that one of your own?
The personality of the therapist is very important, because in many ways the therapist works with his personality. Also, the client may have personal wishes to the therapist. For example, how a specialist relates to what is important for a person. nine0005
For me, “my own” therapist is when I feel good with a person, I like him.
And how to find it? For example, listening to lectures, reading posts on social networks, you can follow the therapist's blog. Sometimes you can find it on the recommendation, but here you need to be careful. After all, a psychologist who approached a friend, but did not suit you, is normal.
You can choose as much as you like, based on experience and education. But the most important thing is your inner response, the feeling that this is your therapist.
How likely is it that a person who first trusts a therapist will trust other people in their life?
Essentially, therapy is a micromodel of life. And a person can transfer the experience of therapy to life. This does not mean that a person will open up to everyone in the same way, this is not necessary. But this experience will help you feel safe with other people. The client may begin to talk more about their feelings.
After the experience of trust in therapy, a person has more support and self-confidence.
