Getting married and having kids

When Everyone Else Is Married with Children

It started in my mid-twenties. At first it was a slow trickle, then the downpour exploded. Almost all of my friends started getting married. I was a bridesmaid so many times that my local tailor started offering me a “frequent bridesmaid” discount when I would arrive with a new dress to be altered. I wore purple dresses, green dresses, and a terrible, Disney princess-styled pink dress. I spent weekend after weekend going to showers, bachelorette parties, then weddings. My calendar was full of other people’s love.

Most of the time, I was glad to take part in these events. I became skilled at negotiating gift registries and oohing and ahhing as the brides-to-be unwrapped their blenders, duvets, and kitchen knives. These were big moments in my friends’ lives and I wanted to be there with them.

As I witnessed friend after friend get married, I clung tighter to the relationship I was in. I became more accepting of my relationship’s shortcomings and convinced myself that the man I was with was right for me. He had to be, didn’t he? I was almost 30 and believed that I needed to get married because everyone else was. It was time. It seems that my boyfriend of the time may have felt the same way. We got an apartment together and talked about the future. We lived together until I was 29 and he came to his senses. For many reasons, the relationship was not right for either of us. We parted ways.

At that point, I had to figure out what it meant to be completely single amongst my married friends. As I had become used to hanging out with them as couples, it wasn’t that weird. I adapted to the situation and knew that married, single, or otherwise, my friends were still my friends. When I would bring a new man I was dating into our group, they always tried to be welcoming and accommodating.

Soon after all the weddings, my married friends began getting pregnant. It started with friends I did not spend much time with. People whose company I enjoyed, but for whatever reason, only saw every couple of months. Every now and then, I would hear from one of them with the big news that they were pregnant. This was foreign territory for me, but if my friends were happy, I was happy for them.

And Then Came the Babies…

Here and there, I began attending baby showers. The first one I went to was for a friend who had already had her baby. It was more of a “welcome baby to the world” party. What I didn’t know then was that when a woman has a new baby, she spends most of her time secluded and trying to nurse. I barely saw my friend at this shower and spent the afternoon making small talk with strangers who had brought their children to the event. At this time, I was going through another breakup. The shower made me see how far I was from ever having the life that these people had. The life I was supposed to have. It all made me extremely sad. I remember quietly crying in my car when I left the party.

Around a year later, one of my best friends announced that she was pregnant. This was a friend I was extremely close with. I spent a lot of time with her and her husband and was surprised by the news. A few months after this announcement, a second close friend told me that she was pregnant. Then, a third friend announced her pregnancy, then a fourth. News of pregnancies just kept coming.

I found this overwhelming. It was one thing for friends I didn’t see that often to have babies; it was another for the close friends I spent most of my time with. At this point, I started to panic. I had been laid off from my job and was in a relationship that was not as fulfilling as it should have been. I spent hours alone on my couch, wondering what was wrong with me. Everyone else was married, had a house, a job, and was about to have a child. I had none of these things. What was my problem? Why didn’t I have anything at all? These were difficult days. Days spent alone with my thoughts, comparing myself to my friends’ lives and coming up short. Days wondering why I was such a societal freak.

The babies started to arrive. When my first close friend went into labor, I was the one she called. I advised her that yes, it was okay to make her husband skip a meeting at work so he could take her to the hospital. She went to the hospital and some of our other friends and I quickly followed her there. That night I slept on a gurney in one of the hospital’s hallways. Early the next morning, the baby arrived.

I held the new baby and was amazed at how a new person had magically appeared. The day before, this tiny person had not existed. Now, he was real. It was mindblowing to me. How did a human simply appear?

Baby after baby was born. I watched as my friends popped out children left and right. This went on as a relationship I was in slowly disintegrated and I got laid off again. I continued to feel like something was wrong with me, that I was a freak. That my world had moved on without me and I was going to be left behind. I thought that once all my friends had children, they wouldn’t have any desire to spend time with me. That their children would become their world and I wouldn’t be part of it.

Because I wasn’t working at the time, I got to see firsthand what it was like to have a newborn. My friends were home on maternity leave and often needed help. I saw that when you have a new baby, your life no longer belongs to you. Everything is about your child. My friends no longer slept and could not be away from their babies long enough to take a shower. My best friend would often call and beg me to come watch her baby so that she could brush her teeth. I found it all very new and strange.

Selfishly, the more I saw of these situations, the more relieved I felt. Yes, my friends all said it was worth it to have their babies. That having a child gave them a feeling that could be matched by no other. At the time, I didn’t understand this. I still don’t. My highly intelligent, fun, competent friends were reduced to zombie-like, unshowered, sleepwalking, milk dispensers. Their every thought and every move centered around their babies. They could barely function. The more I saw of this kind of life, the less interested I was in having it as my own. From my point of view, it looked pretty terrible.

Their Lives Revolve Around Their Children

This was the start of the era I currently live in. My friends’ lives still revolve completely around their children. The kids have schedules for when they get up, eat, nap, take baths, and go to bed. Some of my friends are loose with these schedules, some are unyieldingly rigid. What this means for me is that my friends can no longer leave their houses after dark. Some of them even think that 5:00 is too late to go out for dinner. The way I see it, their lives have been exchanged for their children’s lives. They are no longer allowed to be the same people. The more I see this happen, the more I like my life as it is.

While this is obviously fine with my friends and they seem to love it, to me, it looks awful. I am able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. My friends are shackled. They can’t do things like go to the Fourth of July fireworks or see a movie. They no longer have interesting stories about things they have done. Instead, they have news about playgroups and new teeth. Everything is about the children, all the time. Their fun and enjoyment of life seems to be only vicarious. If their kid goes to the playground and likes the slide, then it is viewed as fun for the parent. This makes little sense to me.

I want to keep having my own fun. To go down the slide by myself and enjoy it. I want nights filled with deep sleep, not screaming. I want to go to dinner at 7:00 like a normal person. I don’t want to spend all my money on day care. Seeing how other people’s lives completely change when they get married and have children makes me cling to my own life. I appreciate it the way it is – filled with mundane and experiences that belong to me.

My friends did not leave me behind when they got married and had children. I still see them a lot. Now though, I have to go to their houses and wait while they put their children to bed. With some of these friends, I participate in their bedtime rituals – reading books and helping the kids take baths. Instead of an outsider, I feel like part of their family. On the other hand, I have made new friends who do not have children. Some of them are married, some are single. These are friends who can go out after dark, friends who can have direct fun instead of vicarious fun. Friends who can decide to leave the house when and if they feel like it.

I feel lucky to have so many people in my life. Seeing firsthand what it is like to get married and have kids made me see that it’s not the life I want for myself right now. From my point of view, it looks excessively difficult. While there is still societal pressure to want these things, I don’t feel the same sort of pressure to have them. I don’t worry that I’m a freak. Someday I would like to get married, but I’m not sure that I will ever want children. For now, my life is fine the way it is.

When Everyone Else Is Married with Children

And Then Came the Babies…

Their Lives Revolve Around Their Children

"I'm afraid to get married and have children"

Question to the expert

Last year, she broke off her engagement at the last moment. There were many reasons, including being afraid to become a wife - it seemed that all responsibility for both would fall on me. Now I'm dating someone else. We understand each other perfectly. But the thought of legitimizing a relationship or, even more so, having children, is terrifying. I began to have nightmares that I was left alone with the child, I got fat, I could not fulfill myself and now no one needs me. I watch how acquaintances who have children live, and horror rolls over again. They constantly deny themselves everything. The fear became so strong that she thought about sterilization. She used to dream of children, her parents had three, and opposed abortion. Now vice versa. In addition, she became jealous of the guy for the child from a previous marriage. It seems that since he has already known the joy of fatherhood, then the second child will be treated colder. I can't live in peace. All thoughts only on this topic. nine0003

Ekaterina, 26 years old

The letter suggests that you are being haunted by the past. The parents have three children, you should know better how you were brought up, in what atmosphere you grew up.

You used to dream of children, which indicates that you initially followed the usual social expectations. But then they began to project more and more past feelings onto possible children and a possible family. You are afraid to take responsibility and be in such a role. When you were a child, you might not notice what repelled and frightened you, it was hidden. But now that you're an adult and have a choice, it's like you're screaming "No!" But this “no” refers to something or someone else. Perhaps to mother, father or brothers, sisters, and perhaps to all family members combined. nine0003

You may have grown up in an environment where you were criticized, overlooked, unsupported, neglected, and somewhat controlled. You could see pain, despair, or feel it in yourself because of anything: family interactions, illnesses, depressive atmospheres, lack of sleep, food, clothes, someone's torment. And all this "recorded" in you, began to be reproduced. Past events, environment cause fear. You want a child, but you don't want all this (or something like that) for him. In fact, by running away from marriage and, as a result, children, you save yourself in the past and protect the unborn child from such trials. nine0003

Your mother might be afraid to be left alone with her children, she might change too much in appearance, she might be ill and not have a job, she might not be realized as a person. Her relationship with her father could be complicated. She might not have enough energy for anything. Then one of the children or all the children took it as her refusal to be their mother, felt like a burdensome burden.

You do not want to hurt yourself or your child, so you are horrified at the mere thought of your own family. You don't want your child to be in the position you were in. This is a hypothesis. If it is close to the truth, you need to separate the experience of your family and parents from yourself. Your marriage, personal family and motherhood will be completely different. You yourself will create those conditions, that level of comfort that will allow you not to become lonely and thrown out, fat and unhappy. You will do things your way. Your experience will be unique, handcrafted. It may be worth it to get therapy from a specialist who will help you find this way of sharing experience. After that, you decide whether you want a child or not, when you want and how it will be. nine0003

Photo Source: Getty Images

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Basically, our heroines regret that they did not become mothers

Photo: Alexander Oshchepkov / NGS

who have time for hobbies, work and travel. The simple truth that everyone is free to choose their own path or carry their own cross is buried in the desire of society to condemn, regret or advise a woman whose fate turned out differently than is customary. The editors have tried to non-judgmentally collect different stories of those who have found themselves in such a situation, and ask the experts what they think about this. nine0048

— I am 47. No husband or children. And success in this direction already, apparently, will not be outlined. I have never been married, I suffer and have complexes because of this for a long time. At the same time, everything is in order with my appearance and brains, I have housing, a dacha and a good position. I'm thinking about adopting a baby, - Irina P. writes on the forum.

- At 52, I clearly understand that motherhood and a family hearth would not make me happy. She married for the first time at the age of 20 for a peer. Thank God I didn't give birth to him. Naturally, they got divorced. Both were not ready for marriage, the boy and the green girl who had not worked up. Lived for 4 years. I lived for 10 years for my own pleasure - there were the best years, by the way. At 37, she married a second time, but it also did not work out because of his former family. Children are no longer needed. From the height of my years, I look at the birth of heirs differently. I see perfectly what is happening in the world and the country. More and more I find myself thinking: thank God that I have no children. I live in full prosperity, I don’t need anything, I don’t worry about anything, - Love shared her story. nine0003
- I really wanted children. At least one. I was married from 27 to 32 years old, the children did not happen, although I suggested IVF to my husband, he did not want to, a divorce followed. For the next 7 years, I plowed for money to change housing and save up for a child; apparently, she didn’t meet a decent man because she slept 6 hours and worked three jobs. When I got what I wanted - an apartment and money, I went for IVF at the age of 40, it didn’t work out, there were 2 attempts, I got upset, again collected money, took a surrogate mother. It did not take root twice, I realized that, apparently, the line of reproduction of my parents ended on me. I came to the conclusion: I need to adopt, but the coronavirus, the loss of my job, and I don’t even know if I’m sorry or it was a sign. If I survive the “corona” and keep my job, I will think about how to adopt a child alone. I think that in an orphanage he is somehow worse than with a lonely aunt 40+, despite her strange character, a woman with the nickname Guest shares on the forum. nine0003
According to the observations of psychologist Marina Kharlamova, more often women 50+ are not ready to actively seek a partner, even if they dream of a family

Illustration: Yuri Orlov / Network of city portals

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— I am 50. I was married for 8 years, then divorced. I have been living alone for many years. Now I don’t even imagine that I can get married. Yes, and in men I am so disappointed that I do not aspire to this. In general, in some matters it is very comfortable to be alone. When I look at married people and see what problems they have in the family and how husbands are tired of their wives, and wives are tired of their husbands, what selfish and arrogant children they have, I think: how good it is that I am my own mistress and do what I want. No one is rude, rude or gets on my nerves. Although I know for sure that by nature I had to be someone's wife and have children, because caring for others is my essence. In the absence of my own family, I live in the interests of my relatives. Working. Until recently, she was very distressed about her fate. But now it's not. I just want to live and enjoy life itself - nature, books, good movies, friends and so on. Values have changed. But in the evenings it’s still lonely, anxious, you just want to howl, ”writes a user with the nickname Lonely. nine0049

— I am 47. My husband left for another woman. There are no children, and the natural way did not work and will not work. There is no health. I had to buy housing with a mortgage, I couldn’t find a place in my parents’ house. Nothing after the divorce. Everything from scratch. There is nothing but work. If it wasn't for the mortgage, I wouldn't be here. Pain, melancholy, Alena M. sadly talks about her fate.

Studies led by the American psychologist John Cacioppo found that the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, increases in the blood of lonely people. The fact is that loneliness is perceived by the body as a state of increased danger, when you need to be on the alert, because there is no one to take care of you except you. Preparing for a threat activates defense mechanisms: in addition to cortisol levels, blood pressure also rises. We clarify that we are talking here not so much about the absence of a family, but about the impossibility of any close contact. nine0003
In addition, single people are more likely to suffer from insomnia and are more at risk of dementia, writes RBC, citing the British media. Psychotherapist Igor Lyakh disagrees with this opinion : he believes that loneliness is a serious stress for children and adolescents, and in middle age a person is taught to cope with such conditions and loneliness does not cause significant changes in him, he is used to defending himself from it. Stress can only be sudden loneliness, for example, if an elderly woman's husband has died. nine0003
Psychologist, psychotherapist and supervisor Marina Kharlamova believes that women with such a fate are often tried to be stigmatized and labeled.

— A lot is changing now, including in public life, such a development of events is a variant of the norm. The historical course of events, the demographic factor “because according to statistics there are 9 guys for 10 girls”, culture, the way of city life and much more lead to the fact that this scenario is not uncommon. It is important for society to learn to treat such destinies and the choice of such a fate by a person with respect. Otherwise, we will find ourselves in the Middle Ages, where they rejected all otherness, the expert explains. nine0003
The therapist says that if such clients enter therapy only closer to 50, then they often face the need to live the grief of loss - the loss of their hopes, illusions, expectations.

— But I can't say that a family person at this age will not face this task, it's just that the objects of mourning will be somewhat different. If a person already has experience in therapy, then this age may not cause any particular inconvenience, she says.

Psychologists say that loners are most often criticized by elderly parents and married girlfriends

Illustration: Yuri Orlov / City Portal Network

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Marina Kharlamova says that a woman can lead a full life without becoming a wife and mother: in her opinion, family and children are not the unshakable meaning of life. The expert believes that people who place the whole meaning of their lives in children, who by this point usually grow up and want to live their own lives, which is absolutely normal, or people facing divorce at this age, which is also not uncommon, can face big problems. in our time. nine0049

— Single women get used to relying more on themselves, in some cases they can be more independent, in some cases, due to a sense of insecurity, more vulnerable and embittered. The variability here is very large, everything will depend on whether a person considers his life to be complete, fulfilled, which is the result of his own voluntary choice, or he will seem to himself a victim of circumstances and feel injustice in the current state of affairs, the expert concludes. nine0049

Psychologists agree that family people are less likely to get sick even with a common cold, not to mention more serious illnesses. This is influenced by the availability of communication, good mood and positive attitude.

At the same time, a single married woman can get sick much more often than a single woman, if the quality of her relationship leaves much to be desired. It has long been proven that married men live longer than bachelors, but there is no definite answer about women. The thing is that a woman in marriage, as a rule, seriously increases the number of responsibilities, she forgets about herself and constantly worries about her husband and child. nine0003
We recently wrote about people who continue to live with their parents after the age of 40; It turns out that this is very popular in Russia, because 80% of people in our country have not been completely separated from their relatives.

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