Is an affair ever justified
IS CHEATING EVER JUSTIFIED? - What Is Cheating in a Relationship?
Table of Contents
When you get married, you’re making a commitment to stay faithful, both emotionally and physically, to one person. While many people have long, successful marriages, some have to deal with infidelity. In those cases, physical and emotional infidelity may drive the slighted spouse to a Richmond Hill divorce lawyer’s office.
A cheater may become unfaithful due to many reasons. They may spend extended periods away from home, have an unhappy marriage, or simply believe it’s okay if their significant other never finds out. Oftentimes, the partner feels and experiences trauma over what their cheating partner has done. Naturally, cheating stands to affect one’s mental health and self-esteem.
Yet, there may be situations where people cheat and feels justified in their actions.
What Constitutes Cheating?
Every couple will have a different definition of what is considered cheating. Some people rigidly define an affair as sexual activity outside a monogamous relationship, while others believe that an emotional affair or an online affair (e.g. sexting, flirting through social media, using dating apps) is just as bad as physical cheating.
The general consensus doesn’t really matter, though. What matters is how you define cheating within your own marriage. If your spouse is engaging in behaviours that you feel betray your trust, monogamy, and your marriage, you’re entitled to any feelings that may arise.
Common Reasons Behind Cheating
Your Richmond Hill divorce lawyer can probably provide you with dozens of reasons people claim to have affairs—after all, your lawyer deals with divorcing couples from all sorts of backgrounds on a daily basis, so he or she has likely heard it all.
However, psychologists seem to have narrowed down the root causes of cheating to eight. Most often, people who cheat cite reasons like:
- being dissatisfied sexually with their partner
- unfulfilled sexual desire
- being emotionally unsatisfied
- wanting more emotional attachments
- falling out of love with partners
- falling in love with someone outside the marriage (e.
g., a coworker, a friend, etc.) - wanting to exact revenge on a partner who cheated on them
- boredom
But are any of these reasons morally or ethically justified? The short answer is: maybe.
When Is Cheating Okay?
You and your partner have to define what constitutes cheating before it happens; that way, you’re on a level playing field. You’ll also need to look at the “big picture” as a couple and as an individual.
The only way cheating can be justified is if the reasons behind the actions matter to you as a couple (or to you as an individual). Some people find the act of cheating unforgivable, regardless of the reasons behind it. Others consider all the factors.
It all boils down to your personal feelings. You may feel as if your (or your spouse’s) infidelity is justified based on your own beliefs, or you may feel that going outside your relationship boundaries for physical or emotional gratification can never be justified.
Talk to Your Ontario Divorce Lawyer
Even if you or your spouse thinks that infidelity is justifiable, you’ll need to discuss the legal ramifications with your Ontario family law or divorce lawyer. The law is “reason, free from passion” (we can thank Aristotle for that definition), so legally, the cause of cheating doesn’t make much impact on the way the courts view it.
At Gelman & Associates, we provide effective legal representation during separation and divorce, tailored to your individual needs. Our lawyers are passionate and understanding, but also tough when necessary. Our focus is not only on exceptional legal counsel but also on a positive customer experience from the moment you contact our offices. In keeping with this goal, we ensure our clients have all the information and resources necessary to make educated decisions throughout the separation and divorce process.
FAQs on IS CHEATING EVER JUSTIFIED? – what is cheating in a relationship
Yes.
Individuals and couples have different values and tolerances for certain activities. Couples may opt to consult with a relationship expert or attend therapy to help them process the issue together.
These signs are not definitive, as many people have different ways of hiding suspicious behaviour. However, some common signs of possible infidelity or relationship trouble include:
- Changes in communication or attitude
- Changes in physical appearance
- New interests they don’t want to share
- Lying and avoidance
- Changes in sexual activity
The only ground for a divorce in Canada’s Divorce Act is marriage breakdown. This could include spousal infidelity, although infidelity alone could be difficult and emotionally taxing to prove in court.
The Psychology of Justifying Adultery, According to an Expert
- Relationships
- Love & Dating
It's an attempt to lessen their own guilty feelings.
By
Cathy Meyer
Cathy Meyer
Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. As a divorce mediator, she provides clients with strategies and resources that enable them to power through a time of adversity.
Brides's Editorial Guidelines
Updated on 08/10/22
Reviewed by
Landis Bejar
Reviewed by Landis Bejar
Landis Bejar is a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the founder of AisleTalk: Consultation & Therapy.
Brides's Editorial Guidelines
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
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As harmful as infidelity is to any relationship, it's no secret that people are unfaithful sometimes. No one wants to be cheated on, but there may come a time in your life when it happens to you. If it does (or already has), it might help to understand what could have been going on in your partner's head when they cheated.
One thing most cheating partners do before or after committing adultery is attempt to justify their actions. Adulterers know what they're doing is wrong, but they manage to convince themselves it's okay for a number of reasons. Some may say, "It's just going to happen once" while others could think, "It's with a stranger, so it doesn't mean anything." Cheaters are excellent negotiators and will tell themselves just about anything to lessen the guilt of betraying their spouse.
"The biggest one I hear is, 'I wasn't getting my needs met in the marriage,'" says Rachel Sussman, a relationship expert, licensed psychotherapist, and author of The Breakup Bible. "Both men and women say they feel they weren't getting the emotional connection from their partner that they were looking for," she says. Despite what they may say, however, you are not to blame for your spouse's affair. While the cheating partner's feelings may be justified, the action of cheating is not a valid response to those emotions.
"The problem with infidelity is that it causes pain to someone else," says Sussman.
Meet the Expert
Rachel Sussman, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer, lecturer, and founder of the New York City-based therapy practice Sussman Counseling, where she focuses on treating individuals and couples with relationship issues.
If your partner cheated and you want to understand how they were able to go through with it, keep reading to learn six things cheaters tell themselves to justify their behavior.
01 of 06
I Wasn't Getting My Needs Met
According to Sussman, the most common justification cheaters use is that they weren't getting their needs met in the relationship. They'll often say, "I was lonely" or "I was being ignored," she says. The cheating partner might also justify their actions by pointing out their partner's issues, such as being controlling, having a drug and alcohol problem, or being inattentive. Some might say their partner has been too busy with work or the kids and that they no longer felt prioritized.
Whatever the reason, it all comes down to the person having an affair instead of dealing with their relationship dissatisfaction upfront.
Sussman tells her clients this: "Instead of confronting your spouse, you've chosen to deal with it through going outside of the relationship. So you lost all your credibility as far as getting your partner to change."
02 of 06
My Partner Doesn't Care Anyway
Often people who cheat tell themselves that their behavior is justified because their partner doesn't really care about them and therefore wouldn't care if they strayed. They might justify their actions by blaming their S.O. for not showing them enough affection or not seeming to care about them anymore.
No matter how troubled the relationship might be, however, guessing that a spouse or long-term partner wouldn't care about an affair is a lofty assumption. On some level, they probably know this, but believing the lies they tell themselves is probably easier than accepting what they've done: broken the trust within their relationship.
"I warn them that most people do get caught having an affair and that it's extremely painful for the person who discovers the affair," says Sussman. "Even if the person who's having the affair has validity as for why they're unhappy, they'll lose all that power as soon as the partner finds out about the affair," she says.
03 of 06
I Just Can't Be Monogamous
Although it's rare for a client to admit to a sex or love addiction forthright when they first enter therapy, they may say things like, "I just can't be monogamous" or "I like the thrill of being with different people," says Sussman. Most of the time, a person who is cheating or having an affair (or serial affairs) is doing so to cope with other problems, whether relationship-related or psychological, and it's offering relief that they become dependent on.
"I call it a really poor coping device," says Sussman. "They're struggling and they're using an affair to cope with their issues," she continues.
"It's like using drugs or alcohol to cope. It just doesn't work; it's a temporary fix."
04 of 06
I'll Never Do It Again
Maybe the thought of cheating had never occurred to your partner until they were put in a position to actually do it. For instance, if they're out drinking with friends and an attractive stranger shows interest, they may decide to cheat "just this one time."
They may justify it later by saying they "weren't thinking," and if they had taken a minute to consider what cheating could mean for their relationship, they probably wouldn't have gone through with it. They might even think it's excusable because it only happened once, and they're sure they'll never do it again.
This could be true; however, no matter how much you drink or how attractive you find the person giving you attention, it's difficult to go through with an action like cheating "without thinking." One time is enough to ruin the trust in a relationship. Poor judgment, opportunity, and lack of self-control are not excuses to cheat.
If you have suspicions that your partner has cheated, don't sit back and hope they'll go away. The best thing to do is ask your partner for the truth.
05 of 06
I'm Not in Love With My Partner
A person who cheats on their partner might try to justify the situation by assuring themselves that they're no longer in love and the relationship has been over for a long time. Someone who does this may emotionally remove themselves from their relationship in order to make sense of their choice to break vows and other promises made.
"What I always think is, whatever your problem in the marriage is, in the relationship is, deal with it," says Sussman. "Speak up. Tell your partner what you're dissatisfied about. That's the way to solve these issues: communicate," she continues. If you no longer love your partner, the best thing to do is tell them how you're feeling instead of going outside the relationship.
06 of 06
I'm Not a Bad Person
A cheating spouse might also try to tell themselves that they are not a bad person even though they're doing a bad thing.
After all, good people can mess up every now and then, right? That may be true, but it doesn't exactly suffice as a good reason to cheat.
They may truly believe that they've done all they can do to save their marriage and that they deserve to be happy—even if that's with someone other than their spouse. That also may be true, but the time to explore options other than their spouse is after they're legally separated. What would Sussman say to someone who is justifying infidelity?
"There's a time and a place to hear how you were feeling, and your feelings are valid, but your actions were hurtful, inappropriate, and wrong. So for now, we have to focus on how you've hurt your partner and work on that."
Emotional Infidelity: What It Is and How to Address It
is justified in - Translation into English - examples Russian
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economically justified taking into account modern requirements
May 30, 2017
Toward the end of the same week, two Blue Helmets peacekeepers were killed in the Central African Republic, where they had been sent to prevent violent clashes between communities from escalating into massacres. Every day, United Nations peacekeepers risk their lives as a shield between warring armed groups and between such groups and civilians.
Over the past 70 years, UN peacekeepers have helped save and improve the lives of countless people and give countless war-torn families a chance at a new life. The value of peacekeeping is confirmed by independent research, which shows that it helps to prevent the spread of violence and that, as a rule, after the deployment of peacekeepers, the number of civilian casualties is reduced by at least 90 percent.
We also know that peacekeeping is cost effective. The budget of all UN peacekeeping missions is less than 0.5 percent of the world's military spending, and these costs are shared among all 193 UN member states. According to US studies, UN peacekeeping missions are about 8 times more cost effective than operations in which the US acts alone. These costs are more than recouped by the economic growth and prosperity that is the product of increased peace and stability following successful peacekeeping missions.
In today's interconnected world, the rise of global terrorism means that instability in any one place poses a threat to everyone without exception.
UN peacekeeping operations are one of the best tools in our efforts to prevent the emergence of entire regions where lawlessness reigns, which makes security impossible and creates a breeding ground for transnational crime and extremism. Peacekeeping operations are an investment in peace, security and prosperity throughout the world.
From El Salvador to Namibia, from Mozambique to Cambodia, our missions have left behind a legacy of stability, development and economic growth. Fifty-four missions have completed their mandates and completed successfully; two more such missions, in Liberia and Côte d'Ivoire, will be completed in the next few months.
The United Nations does not deny the problems and difficulties it faces in its peace efforts, but we must also recognize the successes we have achieved in the struggle for peace.
When peacekeepers arrived in the Central African Republic two years ago, the threat of genocide hung over the country. Today, there is a new government elected by peaceful democratic means, and the country is gradually - albeit with great difficulty - moving forward along the path towards peace and stability, disarmament and the rule of law.
Our mission in this country, MINUSCA, is providing invaluable assistance in reducing the threat posed by armed groups, but the situation remains difficult. It is terrible to imagine what a tragedy the situation could have turned into if it were not for the peacekeepers.
In South Sudan, United Nations peacekeepers sheltered more than 200,000 civilians who fled in search of safety when their homes were destroyed in the fighting. The country is on the brink of mass starvation, and UN peacekeepers are securing humanitarian agencies so they can deliver the aid people need to survive.
The concept of world peace can seem abstract. However, peace on the ground is the result of hard work carried out every day under difficult and dangerous conditions. The fate of the world depends on UN peacekeepers who, despite numerous obstacles, go where others are afraid to tread and never will.
In UN peace operations, too often our goals do not match our ability to achieve them. Quite often, peacekeepers are sent to places where achieving peace is not a priority for the warring parties.
Our missions themselves are increasingly under attack from parties to conflict and violent extremists.
These new realities require us to make deep strategic reforms, which should be carried out after reviewing the mandates and capabilities of our missions and our partnerships with governments and others. It is imperative that we adapt peacekeeping operations to the dangerous and challenging environments in which they operate today.
We have already put in place reforms that have resulted in significant cost savings and have made it possible to deploy peacekeepers to the field at short notice with more flexibility. However, much remains to be done. I am determined to work with governments, regional organizations and other partners to ensure that peacekeepers have all the necessary tools and follow all the necessary rules.
In recent years, the reputation of UN peacekeepers has been tarnished by shocking cases of sexual exploitation and abuse that are a shameless denial of everything we value.
