I feel schizophrenic

What Does It Feel Like to Have Schizophrenia?

Written by Marisa Cohen

Schizophrenia may be one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses. Though it affects about 1% of U.S. adults, many people don’t know much about it. Or they think they do, but their ideas about it aren’t right.

“The image of schizophrenia in popular culture is usually of the most severely disabled patients, who are often shown to be violent, and they are by and large not like that at all,” says Ben Weinstein, MD, chair of psychiatry at Houston Methodist Hospital. Schizophrenia also doesn’t mean that someone has a split personality.

It’s not a one-size-fits-all set of experiences. “If someone with schizophrenia has had good treatment and it’s well-controlled, they might seem a little ‘off’ at times, but you might not even know they have it,” Weinstein says. But for those without access to the medicines and care that they need, or those who stop their treatment, schizophrenia is devastating.

The exact mix of symptoms and how severe they are can vary greatly from person to person. It depends on their genetics, their environment, and whether they take medication or get other treatment such as therapy, Weinstein says. But there are some common things that people who have this condition tend to go through.

Getting Help May Be Delayed

Tina Collins, 53, of Baltimore says she was extremely anxious as a child and had her first breakdown at age 14. “When I first started having hallucinations, it was the late 70s, and there wasn’t a lot of recognition of mental illness, especially in young people,” she says. She says it took decades to get diagnosed due to the stigma that comes with the condition. “No one wanted to talk about it. Because I always had anxiety and other symptoms, my family would say, ‘Oh she’s always like that, she’ll be OK.’”

Matthew Dickson, now 47, of New Brunswick, Canada, started having symptoms when he was 17. (Schizophrenia usually starts in the late teens or early 20s, though it can also come on later. ) He didn’t know what was happening to him. “I told people about some of the feelings I was having, but I had no idea what mental illness was. I still managed to go to class and even bicycle across Canada, but at the end of the last term of my last year at university, it hit me hard.” When Dickson started to worry that he would kill himself, he finally sought help and started treatment.

Because there’s no test for schizophrenia, the first step in diagnosis is to eliminate other conditions, says Russell Margolis, MD, director of the Johns Hopkins Schizophrenia Center. He notes that some of the symptoms can be similar to those of depression and dementia, or that another illness could be to blame. “There can be a mood disorder or a delirious state brought about by an acute medical problem,” he says.

To be diagnosed with schizophrenia, someone must have problems with daily life -- at work or school, in relationships, or tasks like getting dressed and taking care of themselves -- and also have a cluster of three types of symptoms: positive, negative, and cognitive. And in this case, “positive” and “negative” don’t mean what you might think.

What Positive Schizophrenia Symptoms Are Like

These simply mean experiences that someone with schizophrenia has, such as hallucinations, delusions, unusual physical movements, and illogical thoughts. “These are as real to the person with schizophrenia as it would be if someone came in the room and started talking to you,” Weinstein says.

Collins describes her hallucinations before she started treatment. “The room would turn dark and people would distort and start looking demonic,” she recalls. “If I looked in the mirror, my face would look demonic -- I thought I was the ugliest person in the world.” Her vision and hearing started to change, making it extremely hard to make sense of the world. “It was like an Alice in Wonderland,” Collins says. “Everything was getting bigger, smaller, louder, quieter; my ability to process information coming in through my senses started breaking down.”

Dickson says he never saw any visions but he sensed so much “static” in his brain that he couldn’t focus or concentrate. “It’s like watching a movie where it’s a war zone, and bombs are going off, and it’s utter chaos.”

Both Collins and Dickson describe living with constant noise in their head. “I heard a lot of clicks and bangs. I took it for granted that this was the world was like, and everyone else knew how to function in it, but I couldn’t,” Collins says. She also recalls seeing a “shadow man,” a common hallucination.

Hallucinations “are often auditory [something you hear] but can be accompanied by odors, visions, and tastes,” Margolis says. As the brain tries to make sense of it all that false input, it may create a narrative that some outside force -- such as the government, a family member, or even a chip implanted in the brain -- is out to get them, though none of that is true.

Positive symptoms can also include “trippy” delusions. “In my worst year, I remember going for a walk and thinking, If I just stop walking right here and then stand still and turn around and walk in the other direction, I can go back in time,” Dickson says.

What Negative Schizophrenia Symptoms Are Like

While the positive symptoms may come to mind when you think of schizophrenia, the negative symptoms are often the most debilitating, leading people to drop out of work, school, and everything that matters to them in life, Weinstein points out.

“Negative symptoms are the absence of a certain oomph in life, the absence of normal interest and drive and motivations,” Margolis says. “At its most extreme, that can be someone who barely talks, who just sits in home doing little or nothing.”

“When I looked at the world around me, it was like I was watching TV,” Dickson says. “It feels like you’re totally cut off.” He remembers reading a description of the 2001 movie A Beautiful Mind, about the mathematician John Nash, who battled schizophrenia for decades: “It said that Nash lived a ‘ghostlike existence,’ and I definitely can associate with that. You feel helpless, you lose your sense of self.”

For Collins, her inability to interact with the world was linked with her perception issues. “If I tried to walk across the room, it would feel like my feet were falling through the floor,” she says. “The boundaries keep shifting and dissolving so your ability to function physically, cognitively, and emotionally is totally gone. I couldn’t even speak for years. It was like my voice got swallowed up deep down inside. I called it being in the black box: I wanted to get out, but I couldn’t get out of the traffic jam that was in my head.”

What Cognitive Schizophrenia Symptoms Are Like

Someone with these symptoms may have trouble concentrating, focusing, taking in new information, and using that information. Their brain processes information more slowly, their memory declines, and they often have trouble reading and understanding social cues, Weinstein says. Though these symptoms can be made even worse by the brain “traffic” from positive symptoms, cognitive decline is a symptom all on its own, Margolis says.

“Even getting dressed was a very complicated process for me,” Collins says. “It’s like a traffic jam of information going in and out of your brain, so it’s like everything is always new, you don’t remember the process.”

Dickson describes feeling like his brain was under constant assault. “My analogy is if you’re playing a game of tackle football with some friends and the ball is coming to you, can you really do algebra in your head at that moment? I was a fairly smart guy, but when you’re sick with what I had, you really can’t do a lot of deep intellectual thinking.”

Recovery Through Treatment

Though there is no cure for schizophrenia, medication and therapy can manage the symptoms. Consistency is key: without treatment, the symptoms come right back. This can lead to an extreme downward spiral for those who go without the medicines and care they need.

After many years of treatment, Both Collins and Dickson have come out the other side.

“I was lucky to find doctors who believed I could get better,” Collins says. “It took a good 10 years of therapy and medication to really develop the skills of daily life, but you can do it. I still have residual symptoms, but I don’t have hallucinations anymore.”

Dickson says his recovery was a long, slow process, helped by the fact that he desperately wanted to get better and was careful about always taking his medication. “Every single week for the last 25 years I’ve noticed a gradual improvement to my health, and I’m finally back up on my feet again,” Dickson says. He’s decided to pay it forward by starting a nonprofit to help bring mental health resources to people in third-world countries.

When It Happens and Early Warning Signs

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

Schizophrenia usually takes hold after puberty. Most people are diagnosed in their late teens to early 30s.

What Is the Typical Age of Onset for Schizophrenia?

Men and women are equally likely to get this brain disorder, but guys tend to get it slightly earlier. On average, men are diagnosed in their late teens to early 20s. Women tend to get diagnosed in their late 20s to early 30s. People rarely develop schizophrenia before they're 12 or after they're 40.

The Turning Point: Adolescence

An interaction between something in your genes and something in your environment probably causes the disease. Researchers still have a lot to learn about it, but it's likely that many things play a role. Some, like exposure to a virus or malnutrition (according to one theory about causes), might have happened while you were still in your mother's womb. For vulnerable individuals, cannabis use can increase the risk of developing psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia.

No one knows exactly why it usually crops up in late adolescence, but there are many theories.

Your brain changes and develops a lot during puberty. These shifts might trigger the disease in people who are at risk for it.

Some scientists believe it has to do with development in an area of the brain called the frontal cortex. Others think it has to do with too many connections between nerve cells being eliminated as the brain matures.

Hormones also play a major role in puberty. One theory is that women get schizophrenia later than men because they go through puberty earlier and the hormone estrogen might somehow protect them. Know how to recognize the signs of schizophrenia in teens.

Early Warning Signs of Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia can be hard to diagnose for a few reasons. One is that people with the disorder often don't realize they're ill, so they're unlikely to go to a doctor for help.

Another issue is that many of the changes leading up to schizophrenia, called the prodrome, can mirror other normal life changes. For example, a teen who's developing the illness might drop their group of friends and take up with new ones. They may also have trouble sleeping or suddenly start coming home with poor grades.

Some research suggests that if a doctor strongly thinks someone is getting the disorder while still in this early phase, low doses of antipsychotic medication might delay it. More studies need to be done to know whether these drugs work for young people at risk for the disease. Cognitive behavioral therapy, family therapy, and social skills training appear to have clearer benefits for them, at least in the short term, when used early on. Learn more about the prodrome phase of schizophrenia.

How Many People Have Schizophrenia?

About 3.5 million people in the United States are diagnosed with schizophrenia. It affects about 1.1% of the world’s population.

Characteristics of Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is a syndrome. People with schizophrenia have several types of symptoms:

Hallucinations. You hear voices or see or smell things that others say aren't there. The voices might criticize or threaten you. They might tell you to do things you otherwise wouldn't.
Delusions. You believe things that aren't true, even when others show you proof or share facts that explain why your beliefs are wrong. Delusions can seem bizarre to others.
For example, you might think that the TV is sending you special messages or that the radio is broadcasting your thoughts for everyone to hear. You might also feel paranoid and believe that others are trying to harm you.
Thought disorders. You might have trouble organizing your thoughts, and you might speak in a way that's hard for others to understand. Perhaps you stop talking in the middle of a thought because you feel like it’s been taken out of your head. This is called thought withdrawal. Another type of disordered thinking, called thought blocking, happens when someone has a sudden stopping of their flow of thinking and as a consequence they may become silent until a new thought enters their mind.
Movement disorders. You might move your body over and over again as if you're upset, or you might stop moving and responding. Doctors call this catatonia.
Negative symptoms. Maybe you speak in a dull, flat tone, have trouble following through, lack interest in your daily life, and find it hard to keep up relationships. You might appear to be depressed. But while sadness, tearfulness, and other symptoms point to depression, so-called negative symptoms more likely point to a problem with the way the brain works.

Read more about the symptoms of schizophrenia.

Late-Onset Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia can develop later in life. Late-onset schizophrenia is diagnosed after the person is 45. People who have it are more likely to have symptoms like delusions and hallucinations. They’re less like to have negative symptoms, disorganized thoughts, impaired learning, or trouble understanding information.

Doctors think genetics may be to blame, just as it is with early-onset schizophrenia. They also think late onset might be a subtype that doesn’t affect the person until the right trigger appears. People with cognitive, vision, or hearing problems, or those who are suspicious, isolated, or reclusive may be more likely to get it.

Early-Onset Schizophrenia

It’s rare for someone younger than 13 to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, but it can happen. In young children, early-onset schizophrenia often causes:

Talking delays
Late or unusual crawling
Late walking
Unusual movements like arm flapping or rocking

Parents of teens might notice:

Not spending as much time with friends and family

Drop in school performance
Trouble sleeping
Bad mood
Depression
No motivation
Using drugs or alcohol
Odd behavior

Teens are less likely to have delusions but more likely to have visual hallucinations. Find out more on early childhood schizophrenia symptoms.

A schizophrenic's story: how the illness changed my whole life

October 22, 2015

Subscribe to our 'Context' newsletter: it will help you understand the events.

Alice Evans was a student when she developed symptoms of schizophrenia. She spent the next 10 years at her parents' house. Here is her story.

I first felt really bad when I was 20 years old. At that time I was studying at the university.

When I entered, I was uncomfortable being away from home, but gradually I made friends. I enjoyed studying, especially the drama course. Although during this period I was visited by many depressive thoughts.

I worked three jobs to pay my rent. Together with studies, this lifestyle at some point became unbearable.

I almost completely stopped sleeping. That's when the problems started.

It seemed to me that the surrounding world had lost its colors. This is how I can describe my state of mind at the time. Everything became gray and dull.

Thoughts and phrases began to elude me. I started to think about something and lost the thread. Plus, I couldn't speak. The words just didn't physically come out of my mouth.

There are constant fears. It was especially scary when I started to hear extraneous voices on the radio or on TV. I did not understand what was happening, and did not realize how seriously I was ill.

One weekend my uncle and aunt visited me. We were walking around the city, and suddenly I saw that everything around was empty, people disappeared, and buildings collapsed. I walked completely alone through a deserted, abandoned city.

Of course, it was not so, but during a psychic attack, the vision is your reality. And you can't snap your fingers to make it all go back. It's impossible.

In a fog

This period of my life passed in a blur. I was confused all the time, I felt exhausted and scared, so I don’t remember very much about those times.

Due to speech disorders, I could not tell my family and friends about how serious my condition was. I don't think I fully realized it myself. A person suffering from psychosis is most often afraid to admit it.

Image copyright AliceEvans

Image caption

Alice was 20 years old when she began to show signs of schizophrenia

One day I left the house with no idea where I was going. I wandered the streets alone and lost. She got into some buses to get home, but did not know which route they were taking. There was no one around to help.

Somehow, I still don't know how, I was picked up by my friends and taken to my parents in Devon.

After that, I did not leave my parents' house for 10 years.

My parents took me to a psychiatrist who spoke to me very kindly and prescribed drugs to relieve the symptoms of schizophrenia. These symptoms were expressed in hallucinations, various manias and mental confusion.

Side effects

When I heard my diagnosis - schizophrenia - I was even delighted. At least I understood what I was dealing with and could start fighting for the future.

The drugs worked almost immediately, but I wanted to have a therapy session where I could talk about my illness. At that time, this kind of treatment was very poorly funded. And today, mentally ill people face the same problem.

Skip Podcast and continue reading.

Podcast

What was that?

We quickly, simply and clearly explain what happened, why it's important and what's next.

episodes

End of Story Podcast

While taking medication, I began to slowly move towards healing. Gradually, speech began to return, I began to wash myself and serve myself at an elementary level. Those who say that mental disorders do not affect the physical state are wrong. In my case, my body also failed.

Unfortunately, my drugs had side effects and I gained over 60 kilograms in about a year of treatment.

Excess weight has been a problem for me since my school days, although now, looking back, I understand that then I had nothing to worry about. Such a powerful weight gain aggravated my condition. I felt unattractive, didn't want to see my friends, and my fear of going out made it impossible to play sports.

Then I found my first job in many years: washing dishes in a local pub. I put on headphones, turned on my favorite music and worked the whole shift like that, I even liked it. But, unfortunately, my health made itself felt, and I could not have a permanent job. It was kind of a vicious circle.

To a new life

But one day a miracle happened, thanks to which I found new friends. I have always liked music and art, long before my illness. And my mom convinced me to join the local drama club. I was terrified at the prospect of being in the company of strangers and playing on stage, but I was very well received there, and I got a role in a production that was being worked on.

Image copyright AliceEvans

Image caption

For a long time Alice was unable to speak

It was very difficult for me to memorize the text, but it didn't annoy anyone. The guys had a good reaction and a sense of humor, they always saved the situation if I forgot the words.

Most of the group I became friends with Tristan. He supported me in everything, and one day I told him about my schizophrenia. He also had some mental disorders, and it was easy for me to talk to him about it, knowing that he understood me.

One day he announced that he decided to enter the university and suggested that I also apply. I was horrified, but his strength and support, coupled with my own inner self-belief, did the trick. I applied and to my great surprise was accepted into the Chelsea Institute of Art.

And then my life began.

Photo credit: BBC World Service

Photo caption

One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is withdrawal from reality

A few facts about schizophrenia:

One in every hundred people in Britain suffers schizophrenia
Usually the disease manifests itself at about 20 years of age
Symptoms of the disease are divided into positive and negative. The positive ones are hallucinations and manias, the negative ones are the lack of motivation, self-isolation, lack of interest in the surrounding life. Negative symptoms tend to be longer lasting and more difficult to treat.

Two years ago my situation sank a little again. Being overweight prevented my body from effectively dealing with a lung infection, and I spent 10 days in intensive care with symptoms of asthma. Luckily, I made a full recovery and was allowed to undergo weight loss surgery—another major chapter in my healing story.
Image caption,
This is what Alice looks like now

I volunteered for a local mental health charity. There I gained a lot of experience and useful skills. They also referred me to speech therapy, which also played a huge role in my return to normal life. Unfortunately, funding for the foundation was cut significantly, and the department I worked in was forced to close, to the disappointment of both staff and patients.

However, I was very lucky. Before closing, the staff of this department helped me apply for a master's degree at the Royal Institute of Arts. Gradually, I began to engage in teaching activities myself, helping others to discover their artistic talents. I am currently pursuing a professor's degree.

It took me 20 years to get to where I am now and I still have seizures. Living with schizophrenia is very difficult and I am very fortunate to have such incredible support from my family and friends. They are always by my side when things get worse.

If we can beat stereotypes, make good investments in the development of this area of psychiatry and begin to provide timely support to people with schizophrenia, they will not have to wallow alone, as I did at first, but can immediately begin to move towards recovery.

"I felt special" A schizophrenic pretended to be handsome and a genius for 14 years in order to become the father of 36 children. Why did everyone believe him? In a sperm bank questionnaire, he presented himself as an athletic handsome man with a high IQ. His deception was revealed only after 14 years.
During this time, he impregnated dozens of women and became the biological father of 36 children. About the consequences of his lie - in the material "Lenta.ru".

Ideal donor

In 2000, then 23-year-old Chris Agless dropped out of college and decided to earn extra money donating sperm. He worked as a waiter in the US state of Georgia, and in his spare time he tried to excel at drumming.

One of my roommates came across an ad in the student newspaper and thought I was an excellent candidate. It was a way to make money. For me it was also a chance to get some stability in life. In a sense, it was an honor for me to become a donor. You could say I felt special

Chris Agless

A young man went to the Xytex sperm bank and filled out a donor questionnaire. In his profile, Agless indicated that he has a bachelor's degree in neuroscience, a master's degree in artificial intelligence, and is working on a doctoral dissertation in neuroengineering. He then took a six-page medical history survey, where he wrote that he was perfectly healthy, noting only that his father was color blind.

The clinic's database contains a conversation between staff and Agless. “I dare say, your IQ is much higher than average,” said the Xytex employee. "I am pleased to hear that. I know that I help people. I'm helping to have a baby, which is the best gift in the world. I am so grateful to be able to donate,” replied the 23-year-old.

Mystery

Agless chose not to mention that in 1999 he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of schizophrenia. He noticed the first signs of the disease in high school. Before going to sleep, he said, he heard voices repeating his name.

The American now insists that he did not have schizophrenia, but a temporary condition known as schizophreniform disorder. It has similar symptoms, but lasts no longer than six months. However, the court documents listed the diagnosis as schizophrenia, or schizoaffective psychosis.

Xytex Sperm Bank Website

Photo: David Goldman / AP

Aglessa biomaterial was in high demand among clients due to its impressive profile. In his profile, it was said about the resemblance to the actor Tom Cruise. The young man turned out to be a fertile donor and donated sperm up to twice a week.

In 2005, Agless was convicted of burglary. He pleaded guilty and spent eight months in prison. He was also noted to have suicidal tendencies: in 2014, he entered the shooting gallery and asked to rent a gun in order to commit suicide.

Resurfaced

In 2014, Xytex Corp employees accidentally revealed Agless's contact details and personal email while talking to several families who had used his donated sperm. Several curious clients wanted to get to know the biological father of their child better and began to search for information about him on the Internet.

Clients were horrified when they learned that the intellectual and polyglot from the questionnaire is a schizophrenic with a prison past. When they learned the truth, they were afraid that their children could inherit mental disorders and criminal tendencies from their father

When the clinic contacted Agless, he had a nervous breakdown. He repented of everything, went to the police station and admitted that he had deceived the employees of the sperm bank. Agless did not accuse the clinic of illegal disclosure of personal data.

"I'm sorry"

Agless is now 43 years old. Illegally, he became the biological father of 36 children. He hopes that the families and children involved in this story will be able to find the strength to forgive him. “I'm sorry I betrayed their trust; it was a vile act and I'm not proud of it. I really feel terrible,” he admits now.

Chris Agless

Photo: Cobb County Sherrif's Office

He and his wife had no children of their own. “I have always wanted a child, but I doubt that I will ever be able to fulfill this dream,” complained Agless. He dreams that one day his biological children will understand that he did not mean to harm anyone, and they will want to see him. “Maybe I won’t meet all of them, but at least some of them,” he expressed hope.

Victims

Since 2016, affected couples from the US, UK and Canada have filed a dozen lawsuits against a sperm bank that did not verify the donor's background. The families accuse the clinic of falsely presenting not only Aglese, but another donor as well. In each individual court case, the decisions of the judges were different.

One of the victims, Wendy Norman of Peachtree City, used Agless' biomaterial in 2002. She recalls how she was selecting a potential father for her unborn child and stumbled upon his profile. “His biography seemed very interesting to me. Such a variety of hobbies, ”she admitted.

In front of her was a profile of a man of athletic build, 193 centimeters tall. According to the description, he looked like Tom Cruise and had a fairly high IQ - 160. As a result, Norman settled on this donor, successfully became pregnant and gave birth to a son, whom she named Alex. She did not hide his biological father from the boy and showed him the donor profile on the clinic's website.

For me it was a reason for pride, because I went to the site and saw a questionnaire that says that my father has this stupid high IQ, he did this, he did that, he achieved so much . ..

Alex Normanbiological Aglese's son

Norman and her son couldn't believe it when they found out who the donor really was. “It broke my heart,” Wendy admitted. “At first it shocks you, and then you just refuse to believe it,” added her adult son.

The family is worried that Alex may also be diagnosed with hereditary schizophrenia. According to his mother, he has been suffering from a mental disorder since elementary school. “He could grab me, scream or start throwing things. He left cracks in the walls, broke doors, broke mirrors and windows in the house, - recalls the mother. “Our life with him was like a roller coaster.”

Wendy Norman with her son Alex

Frame: TV show Inside Edition

Wendy Norman and her partner Janet are trying to sue a sperm bank. In November 2017, they filed a lawsuit in which they accused the Xytex clinic and two of its employees of fraud, negligence, false advertising through inadvertence, as well as selling substandard goods and violating warranties. Xytex refuses to admit guilt. Representatives of the sperm bank are convinced that clients do not have sufficient grounds to win in court.

Whose side is the court?

The Normans' application reached the Georgia Supreme Court. According to the case file, Alex was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and a genetic blood disorder inherited from his father. In addition, in the past he was hospitalized due to suicidal tendencies, which were also seen in his biological father.

Norman accused the sperm bank of advertising a profile of a criminal with a mental disorder, passing him off as an educated, healthy and talented sperm donor. The judges were thrown into confusion when Xytex lawyer Ted Lavender said the parents could not claim damages despite false advertising and inconsistency in the biomaterial sold.

Why can't this case be treated as a standard case of consumer fraud? You advertised high-quality and expensive sperm... Why doesn't the client have the right to demand the money back?

Nels Peterson Judge

Lavender explained that the plaintiff not only wanted to recover the approximately $1,600 he paid for the sperm, but also sought damages for Alex's lifetime care. However, their claim was interpreted as if the birth itself had injured the boy.

At first, Georgia judges dismissed the lawsuit against the clinic, citing case 1990 years. The case concerned a lawsuit filed by parents against obstetricians. The plaintiff argued that doctors should have diagnosed the fetus with Down syndrome in advance, allowing the mother to terminate the pregnancy.

The trial court and the Court of Appeals intended to proceed with the case, but the Supreme Court concluded that the wrongful birth claim was unfounded under Georgia law.

Related content:

On September 28, 2020, the Georgia Court of Appeals partially appealed the Supreme Court's decision. A Fulton County judge invalidated all but one of the Normans' claims. The claim that the clinic provided false information about its products and services was accepted for further consideration.

Xytex officials continue to insist that the lawsuit raises the issue of illegal birth, prohibited under a 1990 Georgia Supreme Court ruling.
Learn more