How do you know if your marriage is over
The 30 Subtle Signs Your Marriage is Over — Best Life
You probably didn't get married assuming that in just a few months, years, or even decades, you'd have to look for the subtle signs your marriage is over. However, while researchers at the University of Maryland, College Park, discovered an 18 percent dip in the total U.S. divorce rate between 2008 and 2016, the odds a married couple will divorce in their lifetime is still relatively high. In fact, while just over 2.2 million U.S. couples tied the knot in 2016, 827,261 divorces and annulments granted that same year, as per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
And the lead-up to a split isn't necessarily a blow-out fight; instead, it's typically a slow burn that eventually fizzles out.
"Marriage is tough, marriage is work, and marriage is a full-time job. It is something that takes a lot of time to grow and requires you to learn, grow, and compromise," says licensed mental health counselor and life coach Dr. Jaime Kulaga, Ph.D. "During this journey of learning, growing, and developing, sometimes, for various reasons, people drift away from one another. As an individual and couple, we put a lot of time, money, energy and sweat equity into building a marriage. But, if it doesn't work out, for some, it is hard to admit it."
Before you get blindsided by your spouse walking away, it's time to discover the signs your marriage is over.
1. You're living like a single person, not a married person.
The single life can be great, with few responsibilities to others other than making sure your bills get paid on time. However, if you're married and are still acting like you're not in a committed relationship, that's a major red flag.
"It is perfectly OK for a spouse to go and hang out with some friends that might be single," says Kulaga. "But when that is the weekly go-to and you start finding yourself hanging out in singles locations (i.e.: singles clubs/bars, singles destinations, or talking with the opposite sex knowing that they are single), this is a sign you are desiring a much different life.
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Additionally, Kulaga explains that acting like you're single can be a sign of growing disrespect toward your spouse. And "marriage requires a genuine respect for the other person if it is going to grow and thrive," she warns.
2. Imagining your spouse with someone else doesn't hurt you.
"Your marriage might be over if you love them but aren't in love with them," says Kulaga. "Perhaps you imagine a life without them and imagine them with someone else, and you are not hurt by it. You genuinely want them to be happy as a person, but you do not want to grow and spend your life with them."
There's a big difference between living together and sharing a life with someone.
"In some marriages, couples live together, but that is it," says Kulaga. "They mentally checked out years ago. They go about their daily lives separately, sleep in different rooms, are not intimate with one another. In fact, they have very little emotion and communication with one another.
If you see your spouse as your 'roommate,' this is one subtle sign that your marriage might be coming to a close."
3. Your view of the future doesn't include your spouse.
If you see yourself 10 or 15 years down the line living a totally different kind of life sans spouse, it's time to start wondering if your marriage will stand the test of time. For most couples who make their marriage work, that means being on the same page regarding what your life will look like in the future. And while shifts can happen, if you need to be single to make those changes occur, that's one of the most clear signs your marriage is over, or about to be.
4. The two of you don't have sex anymore.
Sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it's not nothing, either. Of course, you may not be having sex multiple times a day like you did when you got together. But if you're both physically and mentally healthy enough for sex but go months or even years without it, that's a surefire sign your relationship is seriously off-kilter.
"If you have noticed that your sexual attraction to your partner has significantly diminished, this is a red flag that something serious is going on in your marriage," explains Kulaga. "Intimacy is a strong part of a healthy marriage. Without intimacy, marriages end in divorce or are filled with anger, resentment or two couples living together as if they were roommates."
5. You're making major money moves without your spouse's knowledge.
Is it okay to have separate bank accounts, or to make those daily Starbucks runs without consulting your spouse first? Of course.
However, if you're making major purchases—a motorcycle here, an all-expenses-paid solo vacation there—without even thinking of consulting your spouse, that's one of many signs your marriage is over. In fact, financial issues are a major contributor to marital breakdown. A 2017 survey from Magnify Money reveals that financial issues were responsible for the divorces of 21 percent of respondents.
6.
You want to cheat."If you have consistent thoughts about cheating on your spouse in general (regardless of acting on it), you may need to consider why you are beginning to have these thoughts so you can improve the health of your marriage if you so desire," says Kulaga.
7. You're having an "emotional affair."
"If you are finding yourself talking with or texting another person in a manner where you wouldn't want your spouse to see, or you begin meeting up with someone you fantasize about cheating with, despite whether or not there was any physical intimacy, you are risking your marriage and this is a sign your marriage is headed for an ending," says Kulaga.
8. Your goals don't include your spouse.
Do you want to go back to school and change careers? Are you eager to build your own home and live off the land? Are those goals completely unattainable if you're with your spouse? If so, that's just one of the more blatant signs your marriage is over.
"Creating goals to help you thrive is important and necessary for a healthy marriage.
What is not healthy for a marriage is creating goals without thinking of your spouse's goals, desires, and needs," says Kulaga. "When you create goals that help you personally grow, but yet you are consciously aware that it might hurt your spouse or push the marriage in a direction that causes harm or distance, you may have checked out of your marriage."
9. You have different opinions regarding having kids.
Having kids won't necessarily make you and your partner happy, and not having them won't make you miserable if they're not a priority for you. However, if you and your spouse aren't on the same page about whether or not you want to have kids, that's a major red flag.ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb
While your relationship may work for awhile, even if your opinions on the subject differ, it's likely that at least one of you will feel resentful about not getting your way, putting you on a fast track toward divorce.
10. You're not invested in fixing your marriage.
Fixing a marriage is hard work. However, if you're opposed to the idea entirely, and would rather just stay miserable, your marriage may already be done for.
"Every marriage has its ups and downs. Sometimes there are periods of highs that last for years and other times where the lows last just as long. But during the low times, healthy couples communicate and find ways to quickly strengthen their marriage," explains Kulaga. "If you find yourself highlighting the bad aspects to your marriage and dismissing all the solutions to fix those things, you may be checking out of your marriage."
11. You make excuses to spend time without your spouse.
Having alone time isn't just normal, it's healthy. However, if you constantly find yourself looking for excuses to spend any and all of your free time away from your significant other, that's not just a minor issue. Having a loving relationship means you want to spend time together—and if you don't, you might be headed for divorce.
12. You or your partner won't go to therapy.
It can be undeniably difficult to admit that you and your spouse need therapy. That said, if your marriage is crumbling before your very eyes and at least one of you refuses to fix it, that's a surefire sign your marriage is going downhill fast. Refusing to get therapy is akin to saying, "I'm not willing to fix this," and if that's the case, you've likely already resigned yourself to the fact that a divorce is in your future.
13. Or therapy isn't working.
Just because you're getting therapy doesn't mean you can necessarily save your relationship, either. Therapy can be a great tool for couples, but it can't fix a relationship that's irreparably broken.
14. You refuse to compromise.
Compromise can be difficult, even in the healthiest marriages. But if you or your spouse won't even attempt to compromise on an important issue, that's one of the clearest signs your marriage is over.
Couples who want to make things work will go to great lengths to do so—even if that means one or both parties can't get what they want all the time.
15. You jump to the idea of divorce when you're upset.
For most people in happy, loving marriages, divorce is a four-letter word. However, if your marriage is already over, it may be the first thing you think of when you and your spouse get into a fight. If your spouse does something minor to annoy you and you suddenly imagine yourself living your life without them, that's a definite sign there are greater issues at play.
16. You express contempt toward your spouse.
Those eye rolls, scoffs, and "whatevers" aren't the sign of a marriage that's on the right track.
"Contempt is the most destructive negative behavior within relationships, whether overt or covert. Essentially, contempt behaviors communicate to your partner, 'I'm better than you, and I don't care about your perspective,'" says sex therapist Erika Miley, M.Ed., LMHC. "Contempt is often the result of negative thoughts about your partner over time."
17. You don't want to listen to your spouse's problems.
Of course, it's not always a picnic to listen to someone unload all their personal baggage. That said, if you're completely uninterested in what's bothering your spouse—or if you refuse to listen entirely—that's a major sign your relationship is on some seriously unsteady footing.
18. You keep secrets from one another.
If you're hanging out with your ex and keeping it from your significant other, have gotten yourself deep into debt and haven't mentioned it, or are making plans for the future without your partner, those big secrets are all sure signs your relationship isn't long for this world.
19. You ignore advice from members of your inner circle.
Friends and family members may be eager to give you advice on how to fix things in your marriage, but if you refuse to take their well-intentioned suggestions to heart, that's yet another sign you're on the fast track toward a divorce.
"If friends, family, and even your spouse are searching for solutions and ways to help your marriage strengthen but you don't want to hear them, this may be a sign your marriage is over but you are not ready to admit it," says Kulaga.
20. Your fights turn into personal critiques.
Your spouse forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste again. Your response? Reminding them of that time they forgot your anniversary. If this sounds like you, you're seeing some of the signs your marriage is over play out right in front of your eyes. If you can't have a fight without personally criticizing your spouse, that's a good sign larger issues are at play—potentially ones that could capsize your marriage.
21. And you can't talk without fighting.
If every conversation with your spouse turns into a fight, it might be time to start looking up divorce lawyers. Having non-stop fights with your significant other is a good indication that there's a major disconnect between the two of you, likely one that's insurmountable.
22. Or you and your spouse have stopped arguing.
While having constant arguments is hardly a sign of a healthy marriage, not fighting at all is just as big of a red flag. If you won't have a healthy debate with your spouse over an issue you're passionate about, odds are you've already noticed that your marriage isn't in great shape and feel like there's nothing you can do to change things.
23. You won't apologize to your spouse.
While Love Story may have told audiences that "love means never having to say you're sorry," most people in healthy marriages will tell you the opposite is more accurate. In fact, if you won't say you're sorry to your spouse, that's a pretty good indication that your marriage is over; those still committed to their relationship will fight to make it work, even when doing so means admitting their own faults.
24. You can't talk to them about your problems.
Whether you're dealing with mental health issues, problems at work, or issues with your friends, if you don't feel like you can talk to your spouse about your problems, that's a huge red flag. Not only does needing to rely on others for emotional support increase your risk of having an emotional affair, but not being able to talk to your significant other about major issues in your life means that a major component of your marriage is already missing.
25.
You or your partner have substance abuse issues and won't get help.While substance abuse isn't a moral failing, it's not necessarily an obstacle a marriage can overcome—especially if the person with the issue refuses to recognize it or get help. And while doing illicit drugs may be a more obvious problem, many people believe themselves to be social drinkers when they're anything but. In fact, according to the CDC, one in six adults in the United States binge drinks an average of once a week.
26. You don't respect your significant other anymore.
Respect is a major factor when it comes to overall marital satisfaction. If you think your partner isn't worthy of your respect anymore, that's one of the major signs your marriage is over—whether you want to admit it or not. And not all the signs of disrespect in a marriage are glaring; things as little as making jokes about your spouse's income or looks that seem harmless to you can be a sign of a much bigger problem.
27.
You don't have anything in common anymore.If you want to know whether your marriage is over, just think about the conversations you have with your spouse. When you got together, you probably loved nothing more than spending time on your collective interests. But if those things you thought you had in common turned out to be things you or your spouse just pretended to like in order to woo each other, you might be in over your head. As the list of common interests between you and your spouse wanes, so too do your chances of making it work in the long run.
29. You never get their undivided attention.
It's natural for your partner to check their phone when you are together every now and again, but if they do it constantly, it might be a sign that they have lost interest in your relationship, and that your marriage is in trouble.
"If your partner is always on their cell phone—looking at YouTube, Facebook, or Instagram—they may be more focused on what's going on there than in the relationship," explains Katie Ziskind, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Wisdom Within Counseling.
29. Your relationship leaves you constantly feeling drained.
Even if you're not constantly fighting, that doesn't mean your relationship can't leave you feeling utterly depleted. If every second you spend with your spouse makes you feel emotionally and physically drained, that's one of the signs your marriage is over.
30. You're having a physical affair and won't end things.
"If your spouse is having an active affair and doesn't want to drop it, it's pretty much impossible for the marriage to last," says relationship therapist Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, cofounder of The Marriage Restoration Project. And if your spouse is unfaithful and you want to know if you should forgive and forget or head for divorce, check out these 20 Real Women Explain Why They Forgave Their Partners for Cheating. (Spoiler alert: It didn't always work out in their favor.)
Should I Get a Divorce? 17 Signs Your Marriage Is Over
There's no question that relationships are complicated.
Even the most stable of marriages will go through intense highs and extreme lows. So if you're asking yourself, "Should I get a divorce?" know that you're not alone. A 2015 poll found that half of all married couples have contemplated divorce. And during the pandemic, the number of people interested in divorce has only increased.
But determining whether or not your marriage should end is a huge decision. "I have never met anyone who approaches the subject lightly," explains Jen Libby, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist who helps families through divorce. "I have also not met many individuals — even in seemingly healthy relationships — that haven't contemplated divorce at some point in their marriage." That said, Libby notes that there are some pretty obvious signs that you should consider divorce.
A number of things can weave a path straight to divorce: not putting in the effort to compromise, shutting down emotionally, pushing your partner away, and even seeking intimacy from an outside partner.
Some of the signs you should get a divorce, however, are a lot more subtle and may take some time for you to see. Many of these red flags might also point to a need for support, be it from a family member, friend, or marriage counselor, so that you and your partner can be better equipped to work through your issues.
But if you do decide to take the divorce leap, consider this: "Coming to terms that the marriage is over and working together [with your spouse] towards a resolution that is fair for everyone will almost always make the process go quicker especially when kids are involved," says matrimonial and family law attorney Elizabeth Rozin-Golinder.
Here are some of the most common signs that it’s time to get a divorce, according to relationship experts.
1
There's a lack of intimacy.
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According to Rozin-Golinder, a lack of intimacy is one of the most obvious signs that a divorce is imminent.
Sure, every couple goes through dry spells, but sometimes it's more than that. A sign your marriage is failing is when "there is a definite lack of interest in sex and they don't communicate about it and don't do anything about it, or they are in very different places on it," says matrimonial lawyer Dawn Cardi. "Basically, the trigger is that sex is not working and hasn't worked in a while."
2
You begin to doubt yourself.
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When your partner no longer prioritizes you — or worse, devalues you — self-doubt can start to creep in. "Constantly being put down and told that your thoughts aren’t valued can cause you to transfer these feelings into your career, family, and other social settings, leaving you feeling insignificant and doubting all the abilities you were once confident in," says Maria Sullivan, relationship expert and vice president of Dating.
com.
According to Sullivan, what's worse is when your partner begins to make you feel like everything is your fault. When a significant other is unwilling to realize that marriage is about compromise and working things out, it could be an indication that they no longer want to be in a relationship.
3
You are two different people.
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"Some people get divorced because they are not the same people they were when they got married," Rozin-Golinder points out. It doesn’t mean that you have to hate each other, she adds. You may have just grown apart and want different things.
Rozin-Golinder says that in her experience, "when you approach the situation from a standpoint of 'we don’t hate each other, we just are not meant to be anymore' it can soften the blow and make things easier."
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There's been an instance of domestic violence.
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Libby cautions that physical, sexual, or psychological abuse in any form is an obvious sign you should consider divorce.
The reality is that, more likely than not, if there has been one incident of domestic violence, there will be more. According to Dr. Brown, if you are in doubt about this, ask yourself the following question: If you had a daughter who was the victim of domestic violence, would you encourage her to stay married? "Hopefully, your response would be a resounding, 'no,'" Dr. Brown says.
Litman agrees, noting that "when your health and safety are compromised by staying in the marriage" there should be no question about whether you should leave.
If you are the victim of domestic violence and need support, you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7.
5
Your partner is no longer making an effort.
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Marriages are often faced with a variety of challenges, and according to Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After, both spouses have to commit to solving the issue, not just one. "One partner can't do all the trying on his or her own," says Bowman. "You can't go anywhere like that."
Sullivan agrees, adding, "It’s normal and common to feel something is missing when your partner is failing to hold up their end of the bargain." From big issues to daily conversations, dialogues require two people, and they can't happen if your partner isn't willing to participate.
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You constantly trash talk your partner.
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Libby says that one not-so-obvious sign you should consider divorce is that "you find yourself trash-talking your partner whenever you have the chance." Complaining to your girlfriends every now and then about something your husband does that bugs you is very different than consistently and constantly griping about your partner.
This could mean that there's a lack of respect on both of your parts.
And if you do decide to get divorced, and you have children, Libby suggests that you not talk negatively about the other parent in front of your kids. "Relationship dynamics often reveal themselves to kids," Libby points out. "They typically know more than you think, especially in cases of infidelity. So, being open to talking, but be careful with your words — it's essential in helping them navigate a divorce."
7
You no longer feel the need to make an effort.
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Making an effort goes both ways. If you're no longer interested in marriage counseling or reigniting that spark, it could be another sign that you need to get a divorce lawyer. "If you have too much pent-up resentment to care about moving past these problems, it’s time to pack it in," Sullivan says.
It's possible that you're not making an effort because you don't think you're at fault.
"Sometimes we may tend to think that most of the fault in our marriages is with our partner," says L.A.-based couples' therapist Dr. Gary Brown. "It is generally a 50/50 proposition. It helps when marital partners take 100% responsibility for their 50% of the issues in the marriage." Of course, if you're not willing to acknowledge your shortcomings in the marriage, that's a telling sign.
8
You're having less face-to-face time.
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Over-scheduling work commitments or spending more time on your phone is a strong indicator that a marriage is in jeopardy — especially when it is intentional. "There's a certain amount of work that a person has to do, but if you see it's becoming more and more, and it continues to increase, especially over the holidays, that's called distancing," says Cardi.
Couples whose marriages are nearly over often uncouple, or disconnect from each other, before it legally ends, says Elayne Savage, Ph.
D., author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple. "If you're no longer spending any time together, if one or both partners is spending all their time at work, with friends, online — and if feels like a relief not to be with each other — it's a sign that you've already disengaged from the marriage."
9
You don't support or listen to each other.
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"Actively hearing what your spouse is saying is vital to the survival of a marriage," says Sydney Ceruto, Ph.D., psychologist and life coach. "When neither spouse is taking the time to really hear what the other is expressing, you are demonstrating that your partner's thoughts and feelings do not matter to you." She says that this frequently leads to one or both spouses finding someone else to confide in, which can lead to infidelity.
In healthy marriages, both partners work as a team on everything from parenting to running the household to supporting each other's personal ambitions.
As Savage points out, "If you've both started moving in completely separate orbits, or if you're not working together on day-to-day issues, it's a sign of serious trouble. Lack of personal, intimate exchange in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to others."
10
Someone has unrealistic expectations.
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According to Laurie Puhn, a family and divorce attorney-mediator in New York City and author of Fight Less, Love More, one spouse may start to grasp onto the idea that if things were different from how they were in the past, then they wouldn't have the problems they're experiencing in the present — and this can lead to disappointment.
Ceruto agrees, adding, "The ability or inability to adapt to change in married life greatly depends on having realistic expectations about one's spouse. If disillusionment sets in when preconceived expectations are not met, it generates enormous dissatisfaction and makes compromise impossible, which leads to an irreparable breakdown of the marriage.
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11
There's no compromising in terms of wants and needs.
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A major part of marriage involves trying to fulfill your partner's needs while also making sure your own needs are met. It's a lifelong dance, a give-and-take, and it requires constant communication. But if your partner continually refuses to listen to what you need (time, affection, sex, help with children), or refuses to share their own needs, you're not in a good place, says Dr. Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit.
Likewise, when you start to feel like there's zero overlap (or effort to try to find overlap) in your interests, you may have a problem. "Couples should be able to share experiences they're excited about, even if someone is not personally interested in the activity," Savage explains. If your partner is simply not interested in finding middle ground with you, this could be a sign of their unhappiness in the marriage.
12
You're not on the same page about your future.
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Sometimes when two people get together, someone has a future plan in mind that they fail to relay to their partner before tying the knot. According to Talia Litman, a certified marriage and family therapist, you should probably be wary "when your life agendas and timelines don't and never will align" in a marriage.
There are many areas of compromise in a long-term relationship, but if one of you is absolutely sure you want a child and the other categorically refuses, you're likely in trouble. "If someone's close to either side of the will-we-or-won't-we-have-children fence, you can work through it. But if not, and having a child is a life goal of yours, you may be looking at the end of your marriage," Bowman says.
Dr. Brown agrees, adding, "If you want children and your partner clearly does not, that may be a deal breaker.
You need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up on something as basic as wanting (or not wanting) a family. If your partner strongly desires a family, and you do not, then you may need to consider whether or not your marriage can be viable in the long run."
13
There's a lack of respect in the relationship.
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One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. When that's gone and one partner consistently feels dismissed and rejected, you're not in a healthy relationship. "Marriages that reach this place are toxic — you're no longer civil, and all discourse is either attacking or defending," says Savage.
That disrespect may even turn into feelings of contempt. Ceruto says contempt is toxic to a marriage, because it conveys disgust and superiority on such a deep level. "Contempt is fueled by simmering negative thoughts about one's spouse and it arises in the form of an attack on someone's sense of self," she explains.
And contempt can lead to resentment, which Savage says often takes up space in the relationship to the point where there's no room for connection or intimacy.
The good news is that a divorce could make you and your counterpart better towards each other. "Allow for the possibility that you both may turn out to be kinder, happier people as a result of the divorce," says Libby.
14
You're fighting more frequently than in the past.
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Though your marriage can certainly thrive in the face of normal adversities, there are couples who manage to turn every adversity into a fight. Dr. Brown refers to those marriages as "'high conflict,' where it seems that almost every issue has become a toxic and destructively emotional experience." As he explains, "If this cycle continues without some forms of effective intervention, the prognosis for a healthy marriage is almost nil.
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According to Puhn, it's definitely an issue if the arguments that you're having are redundant and never get resolved. "Marriage is all about knowing good communication skills and how to resolve conflicts," she says. "My research shows that 69% of divorcing couples have reported unresolved arguments, which lead to feelings of hopelessness."
15
One of you commits adultery.
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For many couples, cheating is a non-negotiable. If trust is paramount for you to continue on in your relationship, this will come as no surprise.
Even if it's just one time, if you will never look at your spouse the same way again or you'll live the rest of your lives not getting over the betrayal, it may mean that you need to move on for everyone's sake.
16
One spouse is a serial cheater.
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It's possible that your spouse just isn't cut out for marriage or monogamy, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married, says Bowman. They also may put the blame for their philandering and untrustworthiness on you, accusing you of being too jealous or controlling.
When trust is broken in such a painful way, it is difficult to recover, and if your partner has had multiple affairs, "it is highly improbable that there will be enough good will for your marriage to be viable," according to Dr. Brown. Even if you decide to stay in the marriage, it is doubtful that you will ever be able to fully trust your partner if they have cheated multiple times. As Litman points out, when you "can't get past a major breach of trust in the marriage despite many efforts and discussions," that's a telltale sign your marriage may be beyond repair.
17
Someone files for divorce.
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A divorce filing can be a huge wake-up call. But according to Rozin-Golinder, couples getting back together during divorce proceedings actually happens much more often than you think.
"Sometimes it takes a divorce filing for people to understand this is not what they really want and that they want to work on the marriage and salvage it," she says. "I have had cases go through an entire litigation and when we are at the final court appearance to put the divorce through, they decide to reconcile." She's also seen divorces finalized, only to have the couple remarry. "Sometimes it takes a huge step towards a change to realize that the loss of the marriage is not what people want after all," she says.
That said, if you've gotten very far in your divorce process and neither party budges, there's no turning back. Just do the best you can to navigate this challenging time and stay true to yourself.
Brie Gatchalian Brie Gatchalian is a mom of two, experienced cat mom, wife and freelance writer based in North Jersey.
17 signs that your marriage is over
Is there passion in your marriage? Are you experiencing the same feelings for your spouse as before?
Do you communicate in the same way as when you first got married?
Ask yourself these questions before it's too late and avert a sad outcome. Listed below are some signs that your marriage is falling apart.
1. Personal attacks
Constant abuse of unflattering words and personal attacks means respect has left your marriage. When there is no respect and love, the whole meaning of marriage is lost. nine0003
2. Physical disappointments
Physical relationships do play an important role in marriage. If they are absent or do not fully satisfy one of the partners, this is one of the signals of the end of the marriage. Solve the problem together, otherwise you will not avoid problems soon.
3. No compromises
The success of marriage depends on compromises and the ability to meet each other halfway.
When these two things are missing, it can lead to quarrels and recriminations. nine0003
4. Arguments and disagreements
When a couple continues to argue over the smallest issue, it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Together with quarrels and squabbles, love and respect in marriage ends.
5. Self-centered needs
If one of the partners thinks only of himself in the first place, this can lead to problems in marriage. Marriage is, first of all, “we”. If yours or your partner's needs are self-centered, your marriage is about to collapse.
6. Desire to dominate
Dominant character means that one person likes to dominate another. It kills love and mutual respect in a marriage. If not immediately, then over time, one of the partners will get tired of being humiliated, and he will leave, leaving years of marriage behind.
7. No mutual communication
Marriage cannot survive without active communication. You can be sure that your marriage is crumbling if you don't communicate with your spouse like you used to.
8. Ego
When the ego appears in a marriage relationship, love leaves. If neither you nor your partner are willing to compromise, put up a fight between your egos, it shows that the end of your marriage is not far off. nine0003
9. Infidelity
No one can tolerate cheating and infidelity in a marriage. If this happened, then your marriage is most likely over.
10. Lack of time
Lack of time by one or both partners affects the relationship in marriage. This is definitely a sign not to be missed.
11. Disagreements
Disagreements over issues such as finances and children can cause problems in a marriage. If this situation persists for a long time, your marriage ends. nine0003
12. Changing goals
When two people are connected in love but have different goals, their relationship will not last. The same thing can happen in marriage.
13. Lack of emotional connection
Over a period of time, an emotional connection develops between partners.
If emotional contact is no longer in your marriage, this is a wake-up call. Either act or don't torture each other.
14. Every situation ends in a scandal
Disagreements and quarrels are an integral part of marriage. But if every situation ends in a scandal and a fight, then there is no love and no point in keeping the marriage.
15. Lies
A lie by one of the spouses means a violation of trust and bonds of marriage. Because where there is a lack of trust, there is no opportunity for love, so your marriage suffers.
16. Loneliness
Do you suffer from loneliness and depression because of your marriage? Consider that this could be a sign of a failed relationship. Maybe we should let each other go. nine0003
17. No love
If you don't love your partner, there is no point in keeping the marriage. You, of course, guess that everything has come to an end.
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How to understand that your marriage has come to an end 09:54
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Most books and articles by psychologists advise how to save a marriage.
But sometimes it's important to just understand that it's time to let each other go. So, if one or both partners do not want to apply the slightest efforts to revive the union, then such a marriage is doomed . Another factor is time. "The countdown begins to tick when one partner brings the couple's problems into the public eye," says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Set for first aid in marriage. “The more time passes from now on without any effort being made, the less likely you are to stay together.”
There are some common signs that your marriage may be beyond repair. nine0003
1. You are no longer a couple.
A man and a woman whose union is over—or nearly over—usually lose their close bond, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., author of Respite: Making Space for couples."
“If you no longer spend time together, if one or both of you are constantly busy at work, with friends or online, and at the same time you feel relieved that you do not have to be with each other, it means that you are moving away from marriage,” she explains.
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2. One of you refuses to try.
Some marriages face serious challenges that seem insurmountable. This could be infidelity, the loss of a close family member, or prolonged lack of sex . But, as Alisa Bowman, author of The Project: Long and happily,” if one of the partners raises a problem, asks for help and makes it clear that the marriage will not survive if both do not start working, and the second at the same time refuses to meet halfway, then you can to say that such a marriage is in trouble. nine0003
“One partner can't try to do it all on their own,” says Bowman. "So you're not going anywhere." There is one life rule: if a whole year has passed without progress, it may be time to end it.
3. Relationships lack respect.
One of the most important aspects in a relationship is mutual respect, notes Savage. If this is not the case, if one of the partners is constantly rejected or feels condescending towards himself (and the second one does not notice this or refuses to discuss it) - it means that things are bad.
“Marriages that have reached this point can be called toxic: you are no longer a couple, it is only about attack and defense,” the expert thinks. nine0003
4. You are no longer a team.
It may sound strange, but it is true: in a healthy marriage both partners work as a team during everything from raising children and domestic troubles to supporting each other in matters of career and personal ambitions.
“If each of you has begun moving in your own separate orbit, or if you are no longer working together on routine issues, then this is a sign of a serious problem,” warns Savage. nine0003
5. The wrong half continues to be friends with the former lover/mistress.
Infidelity is a huge obstacle that is very difficult to overcome. To save a marriage, just ending the relationship on the side is not enough, notes Kay. Can't be fully experienced betrayal if the wrong half remains friends with a former lover or mistress.
It doesn't matter what he or she says about the innocence of their current relationship. "Nothing good comes of it come out," says the expert. nine0003
6. There is no compromise between wants and needs.
An essential part of marriage is to meet your partner's needs without compromising your own interests. It is a lifelong dance of give and take that requires constant communication. But if your partner consistently refuses to even listen to your wants and needs (time, attention, sexual/physical contact, help with children or household troubles), or doesn't want to voice their own, that's a wake-up call, says Kay. nine0003
7. One of the spouses is systematically cheating.
“Some men - and according to stereotypes, they are men - are simply not imprisoned for marriage. They are incapable of being monogamous, even if they showed with their whole appearance that they want to get married, ” explains Bowman. Even worse, they manage to accuse you of their depravity and unreliability, usually reproaching you for excessive suspicion and jealousy.
Betrayal, from which a marriage can recover, is followed by apologies and promises not to do it again. But this is not the case with serial cheaters: it is a problem that cannot be fixed and which, most likely indicates the end of the marriage. nine0003
8. You can't agree on whether to have children.
In marriage, there are many reasons to compromise, such as who will be in charge of finances, where to go on vacation, or exactly how to solve minor family problems. But if one of you knows that wants a child , and the second categorically refuses, then such a relationship is at risk.
If one of you is leaning towards having or not having children , then over this you can still work. But when it comes to a principled position, when for one of the partners a child is an unconditional goal, then such a marriage is likely to fall apart.
9. You no longer communicate with each other.
No problem in marriage can be solved without an open, frank conversation. If all you ever talk about is everyday things, like who to buy milk today, then a divorce may well be just around the corner, Savage warns. “The lack of personal, intimate communication in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to other people.” she notes. nine0003
10. Decreased frequency and quality of intimacy.
“It’s about the couple not having enough interest in sex and not talking about it or doing anything about it,” explains Dawn Cardi, a lawyer from Manhattan. Or they have different opinions on this matter. The bottom line is that sex doesn't work anymore, and hasn't for a while."
11. Swearing and arguments happen more often than before. nine0093
According to Lauri Puhn, New York-based family law attorney and author of Instant Persuasion, the controversy and verbose accusations will never stop.
"It happens over and over again for the same reasons, she says. - You argue about the same thing, and the further, the more often. And there is no solution to the problem - this is a road to nowhere.
The expert notes that the cause of most problems in relationships is insufficient communication: “It all comes down to communication skills and the ability to resolve conflict situations. My research shows that 69% of divorced couples complained about unresolved conflicts that caused a feeling of hopelessness.
12. Excessive planning or spending a lot of time on the computer and smartphone.
Little time spent alone with each other, when it is initiated by one or both halves, is a strong indicator that a marriage is in danger. “There is a certain amount of work that needs to be done, but if it becomes more and more, especially when it comes to weekends, then this is called distance from each other, ”explains Cardi. nine0003
According to her, if one of the partners seeks to spend as little time as possible with the other half, then the relationship can be considered problematic.
"If you don't spend time together, then you don't have no intimacy,” says Cardi. "You can't keep a marriage going by emailing each other."
13. Changes in relations with money.
From a legal perspective, Cardi says, the changes around finance can tell a lot. “People come to me and say: my husband has changed his bank account, he is transferring money. It's a sign that he is preparing to get out of marriage and get on the path of divorce, ”she shares. nine0003
14. Dreams of being alone or finding someone else.
As Poon notes, this is the most serious sign, since such thoughts often occur immediately before a breakup. "You start dreaming because everything else no longer inspires you hope,” she explains. You wonder what your life would be like if you weren't together. Maybe you don't really want a divorce, you might even want to stay together, but at the same time, you are so disillusioned about the future together that it just becomes interesting - how it could be.
