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Fix the broken heart


How to Heal a Broken Heart: 10 Tips

Dana Bottari, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Florida, says that at the start of a relationship, our thoughts tend to be happy and uplifting. “We may have felt good about ourselves — thoughts about the time our ex commented that we were beautiful or handsome or how much they loved us,” she says.

However, when the relationship ends, your thoughts may be mixed. “We have the positive messages that were given by our ex, combined with perhaps our own judgmental thoughts that we are not good enough or thoughts that things never work out for us,” explains Bottari.

Thoughts affect feelings, and feelings affect actions, she says. When you’re feeling down, you may engage in behaviors you typically don’t. For example, you may skip showering or avoid getting together with friends and family. “We may now feel more alone than ever,” Bottari says.

Gina Moffa, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York City, adds that the details and circumstances of a breakup determine how you feel.

“If you feel you’re leaving someone in a painful place after you end it, you may be ridden with guilt and sadness. If you’re the one who’s been broken up with, you may be in a state of shock and go through different phases of grief, including anger, bargaining, depression, and anxiety,” explains Moffa.

As you cope with the loss of a relationship, these tips may help you on your journey to healing.

1.

Take time to grieve

If possible, try to think of the loss of the relationship as a grieving process.

“Give yourself time. Do not try to find someone new right away,” says Bottari. “The best thing we can do is to try to honor our emotions and not judge our emotions.”

To validate your emotions, it may help you to reframe your thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel so sad,” Bottari recommends thinking, “I am experiencing feelings of sadness, and that’s OK.”

While some people take time to be alone, look inward, or see a therapist to work through the complicated emotions of a breakup, others may suppress painful feelings and jump into another relationship. “I don’t recommend that. We need time to heal what’s been shattered,” says Moffa.

“We need time to look within and take inventory of what patterns we may have taken into the relationship with us that no longer work. We need to tend to our wounded hearts and take the time to allow the healing to happen with time, care, gentleness, and deeper self-understanding,” she says.

2.

Find a new source of joy

When you make time for self-inquiry and self-reconnection, Moffa says that this can lead to connection with what may have once brought you peace, joy, or inspiration but was put on hold during your relationship.

“We may be more open to saying ‘yes’ to new things, people, and experiences as a way to explore a newfound sense of freedom, even if it hurts,” she says.

Bottari suggests pushing yourself to do things, even when you don’t feel like it. “Chances are, even after meeting a friend for lunch, you arrive home feeling better than had you stayed home,” she says.

3.

Make a list of what you like about yourself

When you are feeling low about yourself, consider making a list of all the good things you did for your past partner or all the qualities they liked about you — and the qualities you like about yourself.

For example, you might write a self-love list like this:

  • I made him coffee in the morning.
  • I picked her up from the train station when it rained.
  • I put on her favorite song when she was sad.
  • I reminded him about his dad’s birthday.

You may also find it helpful to write out a list of positive things you’ll do in future relationships.

If you’d rather not think about relationships, Bottari suggests searching the internet for self-affirmations that resonate with you, such as:

  • I am not my mistakes.
  • I am enough.
  • There is no wrong decision.

“Recite these when you are having negative or self-defeating thoughts,” Bottari says.

4.

Acknowledge thoughts about your former partner

When thoughts of your ex arise, try not to stop or block them. Instead, Bottari says, practice being a “witness” to these thoughts. When the thoughts come up, take a step back and acknowledge them.

“You know you are experiencing them; they are passing through your mind. You observe them. You practice observing and letting them go,” she explains.

“The minute you pay attention to one and label it as something ‘important,’ you are no longer witnessing them. You are now judging them. Judging brings more negative emotions since your expectations were not met.”

5.

Express your needs to others

If you’re not feeling up to meeting friends out or are having a hard time following through on commitments, try to share your feelings with others.

“Try to reconsider your needs at this time and let others know what you are dealing with,” says Bottari. “Many people have felt the same way and will understand that you might need some time to return to your normal state. ”

6.

Turn your attention toward others

When the pain of a breakup is too hard to bear, you may find that focusing on the needs of others can help bring feelings of wellbeing and distract you from focusing on yourself, explains Bottari.

Consider volunteering at a local soup kitchen or animal shelter, helping a friend in need with meals or cleaning, or cutting a neighbor’s grass.

7.

Allow emotions to flow

You may find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about emotions related to your breakup or ex-partner.

If you’re not comfortable sharing all of your feelings, consider writing them down or meditating on them. You can also engage in another project, such as painting, that may help you release what’s on your mind.

8.

Find relief in exercise and movement

Research shows that exercise can reduce stress. “Use exercise as a healthy outlet to manage feelings of anxiety, sadness, lethargy, and stress,” Bottari says.

A daily walk, bike ride, or online workout video are ways to work exercise into your daily routine when you’re feeling sad or stressed about the breakup.

9.

Avoid activities that remind you of your ex

If you continue to feel overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and emotions, consider staying away from places, music, and people who remind you of your ex for a little while.

“Try to go places that make you feel safe. Surround yourself with people that care about you. Go places that you have never been. Take a day trip and explore,” suggests Bottari.

10.

Make meaning of the breakup

If possible, try to make meaning of the relationship ending, or accept that there’s no meaning to why it ended.

“Over time, you may come to realize that the end of your relationship was ultimately in your best interest. However, it is possible that you might not be able to find any positive in the relationship ending. Both are valid conclusions. Try to have faith and keep moving forward,” says Bottari.

A breakup can leave you feeling sad and alone, no matter who made the decision to split up. Cycling through a variety of feelings after a breakup is normal, especially if it was unexpected.

“We forget that we are meant to grow and change and learn. That doesn’t always happen at the same time or in the same way in a relationship,” says Moffa.

“Sometimes, one person changes and the other doesn’t. So, be gentle with yourself. You’re changing and growing and healing. We can’t do that all by force.”

Remember, it’s OK to not feel OK for a while. Give yourself time to process the loss of the relationship and practice self-compassion.

How to fix a broken heart - Guy Winch

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Let’s Begin…

At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken. Psychologist Guy Winch reveals how recovering from heartbreak starts with a determination to fight our instincts to idealize and search for answers that aren't there -- and offers a toolkit on how to, eventually, move on. Our hearts might sometimes be broken, but we don't have to break with them.

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life hacks from a psychologist when parting with a loved one or death of a loved one

What to do, what to remember, and how to survive grief due to a breakup with a partner, the loss of a friend or the death of a loved one.

Anastasia Nikiforova

There is probably no person who has never experienced a broken heart. We usually associate this concept with the end of a romantic relationship, but grief is not an easy thing. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a career change, the loss of a close friend can break our hearts. All this leaves us confused and feeling that the world will never be the same again. nine0003

Contents of article

There is no magic patch for a broken heart - it will take time to heal. But there are practices that help support yourself and protect your emotional well-being. Here are some recommendations from psychotherapists and healthline.com.

How to take care of yourself

Even if your last concern is to think about your needs, taking care of yourself is important. A broken heart needs strength - and so do you.

Allow yourself to grieve

There is no one “universal” grief that everyone experiences in the same way. So the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to feel what hurts inside: sadness, anger, loneliness, or guilt.

And although we are all different, perhaps close people will be able to feel our pain, recognize something of their own in it and support us.

Take care of yourself

It is easy for a broken heart to distract us from our daily needs. But grief is not only an emotional experience, it drains you physically. Scientists have proven that physical and emotional pain use the same pathways in the brain, so feelings cannot be considered separately from the body. nine0003

Exercise, deep breathing, and meditation can help you deal with your feelings. But don't beat yourself up if you don't have the strength to do all this - just move in small steps, one day at a time. And don't forget to drink enough water.

Let others know what you need

Everyone deals with loss differently. Someone prefers to close completely, others have enough circle of friends, others live through feelings, sharing them with a large audience on social networks. Decide how it works for you and how other people can help - keep your distance, be in close contact or more distant, etc. nine0003

Write down things that can help you (“card method”)

How it works:

  1. Make a list of what you need, including material and emotional support. This may include talking on the phone, hugging, helping with groceries, etc.
  2. Take a stack of cards and write down one item on each.
  3. When people ask how they can help, give them one of the cards or let them choose their own. Some people are not very good at comforting, but are brilliant in planning tasks, others are always ready to be in touch. Choosing from several ready-made items will allow your loved ones to understand how to help you, and it will unload your head, already clouded with worries. nine0050

Go outside

Studies have shown that just 2 hours a week in the fresh air improves our mental and physical health. It's great if you can take in the scenery while walking, but even just walking can help.

Read self-help books and listen to podcasts

Knowing that others have gone through and dealt with similar experiences can help reduce feelings of loneliness. Books and podcasts are a great way to accept and live your feelings. nine0003

Try to do something nice for yourself

Set aside time every day for something positive - watching a funny series or funny videos, meeting friends, reading a good book. Planning for moments that bring joy is vital to healing a broken heart.

Seek professional help

It is very important to talk about your feelings with others and not try to bury them in yourself. Easier said than done, so a meeting with a psychologist or psychotherapist may be helpful. Even two or three meetings may be enough. nine0003

Skills worth learning

Coping with grief is important, but it is also helpful to develop new habits and skills to help you overcome the loss.

Accepting your pain

Don't waste time feeling ashamed or guilty about your feelings, it's better to put all your energy into healing. Schedule 10-15 minutes a day to mourn well, this is normal in your situation. After a while, you may find that you want to do it less and less. nine0003

Self-compassion

This means treating yourself with love and respect, without judgment. Think about what you would say to a loved one who is going through difficult times, how would you show him that you care? This is how you should treat yourself.

Unloading the schedule

When we are in pain, it can be very difficult to focus on business. Keep this in mind when planning your work or social workload, leaving room for "feeling breaks." nine0003

Cultivating new traditions

If you end a relationship or lose a loved one, it may turn out that a whole piece of life full of rituals and traditions has gone with him (holidays are especially difficult).

Enlist the help of friends and family to create something new to replace what has been lost—traditions and memories.

Keeping notes

Writing in a diary or private blog can help you recognize and record feelings that you are not ready to share with other people. nine0003

Chat with a support group

This could be a social media group, forum or online support group. Regular communication in a safe environment, sharing feelings and experiences with those who have experienced similar things, can be very healing.

Getting in touch with soul and body

Experiencing loss or change can separate us from ourselves. You can return contact with the soul and body through physical exercises, walks in nature or meditation practices. nine0003

Things to remember

Our society, in movies and songs, has distorted ideas about how recovery from loss works. That is why it is so important to have realistic expectations.

Your experience is important

The death of a loved one is an obvious form of grief, but it can also be hidden, with the loss of a friendship or relationship. Even a career change or the departure of children from home can cause it.

The popular phrase “Children in Africa are starving” has never made anyone feel better. No one exclaimed, “Why am I crying, my problems are not problems at all in comparison with the problem of world hunger!” nine0003

It doesn't matter why you are in pain, what matters is that you are in pain. These feelings affect your life.

It's not a competition

It's natural to compare your experience with other people's, but grief is not a competition.

You can lose a friend to death, or you can lose a friendship, and the feelings will be very similar: you will have to learn to live in a world without important close relationships.

No expiration date in grief

Grief is not the same for everyone, it does not have a timetable like a train. Avoid those who say "it's time to move on" - you have the right to heal for as long as you need.

You can't avoid pain

No matter how hard it is, you have to go through it. The more you delay acknowledging your pain, feelings, and emotions, the further recovery is delayed.

Sometimes feelings will come over

As the experience of grief develops, the intensity of sadness will also change. Sometimes it will be soft waves coming and going, and sometimes feelings will overwhelm you, without any control. Don't judge yourself for the way your emotions show up.

You will have periods of happiness

It is perfectly normal to feel moments of joy even when you are sad. Focus on the present and allow yourself to accept the good things that are happening in life. nine0003

If you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, happiness may be accompanied by feelings of guilt. But joy is very important in order to move forward, and forcing yourself into negativity will not change the situation for the better.

It's okay to feel abnormal

Even if you do your best to heal your broken heart, sometimes there will be bad days. Take them for granted - you will continue healing tomorrow. It's normal to feel abnormal from time to time. nine0003

You'll need time

Don't expect your pain to go away before it's all gone. Try to accept the new reality and the fact that you will need time to process grief and heal.

What can you read?

Books help to distract and heal a broken heart, especially if they are personal stories about how other people experienced grief. Here are some stories that might help.

  • Strayed Cheryl — Beautiful little things. Inspirational stories for those who do not know how to live on
  • Lamotte Ann Small victories. How to Feel Happiness Every Day"
  • Joan Didion "A Year of Magical Thinking" Joan Didion
  • Nat Tit "The Lotus Grows Out of Mud. How to Transform Suffering into Happiness"
  • Brown Brené "Gifts of Imperfection. How to love yourself just the way you are"

Have you had your heart broken?

Sadly, the hard experience of loss can change our lives forever. But pain follows light, so it's worth keeping moving forward. Survival time will end and a new life will begin , slightly different, but no less valuable.0003

How to mend a broken heart?

I recently heard a phrase that in our times hearts and hopes are broken more often than cars. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that many of us would rather see a wrecked car than a broken heart...

Case history. Symptoms.

After all, a broken heart is emptiness, it haunts. She seems to envelop and, it seems, there is no way out. Dead end. Why is this happening? Maybe she didn't love him? And why not that...? He is the best, kindest, sweetest. The best. And is it really her fault that he still loves his "ex"? What he said, I'm sorry, let's stay friends. Guilty? No, it’s not her fault ... Is it that she once told him that she loves, puzzling ... But she told the truth ... She also had loves, and not one ... And there was also a lot of pain from the fact that she I thought that she loved, but they did not love her . .. She is also special, different, the best. But they do not like her, and, perhaps, they did not love her ... It hurts. She will not forget him now, perhaps never... But you have to let him go... Many people live with such pain, and they live the same... And she will live as before, only without him, without his eyes, hands and smile... They live like - something else without him ... He was the meaning of her life, the sun, infinitely warm and joyful. And now it's raining... A dank gray rain on the street and in her soul. She no longer has the strength to live on without him ... He took a piece of her, perhaps the most important. She was left alone with her sadness ... Heart broken! nine0003

How to mend a broken heart? Treatment.

1. After a difficult breakup, many people withdraw into themselves. They want to be alone to mourn, think, cry. Need to cry. With tears, all the accumulated negative emotions inside you come out. But withdrawing into oneself is not a good idea. There are always people nearby who care about you: friends, relatives, relatives, colleagues. So they will be the first to carry out resuscitation with your heart.

2. Allow yourself to do whatever pleases your heart, regardless of the consequences, even if only for a few days. Arrange a bachelorette party, a “belly feast”, relax in your favorite place or where you have long dreamed of going, take care of yourself (hairdresser, spa, swimming pool), buy yourself a new dress or insanely expensive underwear. Or maybe skydiving or flying in a wind tunnel? Do everything that you would never have dared to do in your "old" life. The attention of a man, of course, is always important for us, but you will understand that even without him it can be infinitely good. You need to live for yourself and for your beloved, to get the maximum pleasure and joy from life. nine0003

3. And here is a well-known technique for healing a broken heart.

Visualize in your mind a channel that connects you to an ex. With your eyes closed, imagine two tubes through which energy circulates between you. Again, mentally, we take scissors and cut the tubes in half. Mentally pinch the ends that come up to you. The wounds on the heart will begin to grow together, albeit not immediately, but it will become much easier.

4. Try to load yourself as much as possible. For example, work. Occupational therapy has always been an effective tool in matters of the heart. Free time for experiences and thoughts should not remain. nine0003

5. Get rid of the idea of ​​getting revenge on your ex. No need to prove to him that you were the best with him, and how much he lost. We must try to forgive him.

Remember for the last time about your wonderful moments together, tell him mentally thank you (only mentally!), because thanks to him you were very happy for a while.

And you can already switch to other men!

6. Psychologists say that one of the most effective ways is to complain to yourself about your misfortune. Aloud. In front of the mirror. It is believed that this is a good help to relieve stress. As not a psychologist at all, I advise you to end this therapy in front of a mirror with a couple of funny faces. You now more than ever need positive emotions. nine0003

7. Do you know this wise phrase: “Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger”? Scientists believe that the brain needs 21 days to readjust to something new, whether it's a new job, school, or a new life without it and with a broken heart. After three weeks, even if nothing is done, theoretically it should become easier. The wounds in my heart will begin to heal on their own.

8. If all else fails, you can turn to a psychologist - a specialist in heart affairs, who always has in stock glue for broken hearts. It is not necessary to sign up for a face-to-face appointment; you can talk with a psychologist via the Internet. According to the statistics of the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service, people rarely seek help due to broken relationships (300 out of 20,000 cases). nine0003

9. The most important "Not", contraindication: do not treat a broken heart with alcohol. Firstly, for health and well-being - this is a therapy of little use. Secondly, getting out of control, things can come to nightly tearful calls to the “ex”. All previous attempts to heal a broken heart "down the drain." Some vicious circle!

Meetings and partings, gains and losses are an inevitable part of our lovely life. And no matter how hard it was at the beginning, it is possible to restore mental strength and heal a broken heart. But even well-healed wounds leave scars for the rest of your life, unfortunately...

PARABLE OF A BROKEN HEART

- Hello, I'm on the ad. Are you giving your heart to good hands?

- I.

- Used?

- Yes. It loved one person for three years.

- Wow! Three years of operation is quite a long time! Why are you giving away?

- The heart was mishandled by its previous owner. He broke it, cut it, played with it, stuck sharp objects into it. .. The heart ached, bled, but still performed its main function: loved it... And one day the one to whom it belonged broke it... nine0003

- How did you break it?! Have you been under renovation? What were you told?

- Not recoverable...

- Why did you advertise? Do you really think that someone needs your broken heart?

- I believe that there is a person in the world who can glue it together from fragments. I believe that he will not regret this love and time. I believe that he will be able to give him a second life...

- I... I'm ready to try. This, of course, will be difficult, but the result is worth it. Can you give me any guarantees? If I can restore it, I can revive your heart... how much more can it love? nine0003

- As long as it's beating...

- In the announcement you said that you would give the heart only on one condition...

- Yes. I need to make sure you won't hurt him.

- Unfortunately, I cannot see the future.

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