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How do you know if a man is controlling


How to Spot Signs Your Partner Is Controlling

In this Article

  • What Does a Controlling Relationship Look Like?
  • Listen to Yourself

When you think of a controlling partner, the thought of someone who tells the other where they can go or what they can wear might come to mind. But it's also important to understand that controlling relationships have more subtle dynamics than that. It's quite common to end up in an emotionally abusive relationship and not even see the signs.

What Does a Controlling Relationship Look Like?

A controlling relationship is based on a power imbalance. One of the partners essentially dominates the other in a way that causes intimidation, insecurity, or guilt. These feelings can be brought up through physical, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual, or psychological ways. ‌

Here are some signs of a control-based relationship:

  • Your partner doesn't like being excluded from your plans. This is a big warning sign that your partner doesn’t want you to have a life without them. They don't respect your need for time alone. If you leave the house without them, they start texting or calling you to check on where you are and who you're with. 
  • You're shamed for spending time with family and friends. Sometimes, this can appear as though your partner just loves you and wants to spend lots of time with you. But it's a sign of controlling behavior if your partner isn’t supportive of seeing the people you love. It doesn’t make you guilty or selfish for wanting that space. Being yourself is actually the best thing for a relationship, even if that means you need space. 
  • There are frequent jealous accusations. Someone who's controlling will often try and put you on the defensive by accusing you of flirting or cheating on them with other people. Even if they have past traumas from other relationships, they shouldn't project those emotions onto you.  
  • Your partner checks your texts and other personal effects often. No matter how long you've been together, you should always be able to have your privacy. Someone who checks your phone calls, emails, texts, social media, or belongings without asking you is someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
  • You're criticized constantly. Someone who's controlling is always trying to undermine your confidence and put you down in private or in public. They seem to want to emphasize your flaws and make you feel self-conscious about your quirks.
  • You're made to feel like the culprit. A controlling partner will always say that their emotions are your fault. They will use you as a scapegoat and take the role of a victim, even in situations that you are not involved in. 
  • Your partner twists your experience around. Some partners will try to do something called “gaslighting,” in which they twist the truth or twist your emotions around so that you question your own reality. For example, if your partner does something that hurts you and you react in kind, they might insist that you don’t understand the situation or are too sensitive. 

Listen to Yourself

Controlling behavior isn't just unpleasant, it's a form of abuse in a relationship. You must listen to yourself when you start to see the signs of a controlling partner. Over time, remaining in a controlling relationship may have lasting effects on you like:

  • Decreased confidence
  • Feeling isolated from family and friends 
  • Cause feelings anxiousness and distress 
  • Cause you to forgive adverse treatment from your partner and make excuses for it

Being able to recognize and name the issue is a massive part of helping the situation. A controlling partner will constantly try to make you think that you're the problem and that your relationship will have no problems if you change. However, realizing the power imbalances of your relationship will help you to either move on to a healthier one or bring needed balance to your current relationship.  ‌

Some questions you could ask yourself are:

  • Does your partner make you feel scared?
  • Do you feel mistrusted constantly?
  • Do you feel powerless over your relationship?
  • Are there specific topics you dread bringing up or entirely avoid?
  • Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
  • Do you feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with you?
  • Do you lie to your partner about where you've been?‌

If you answered yes to any or most of these questions or if this article has resonated with you, the first thing to do is to speak to your partner about it. Open up a conversation about how you feel and what you would like to change. ‌

If that doesn't work, you may need extra help or support. Turning to a trusted family member or friend is a good first step. Seeking the aid of a qualified therapist or relationship counselor to help you work through these issues is a viable option, too.

10 Signs Of A Controlling Boyfriend

You and your boyfriend just made things official, but he already wants to spend so much time with you. And he wants to know everything about you. And he wants to make sure you make it home—or even to and from work—safely. Um, if it feels like too much, it probably is.

"You feel like you’re being pursued, and that’s cool and feels amazing—until it feels awful," says Megan Bruneau, RCC, a therapist in New York City who specializes in relationships and other issues facing her millennial clientele.

But it's not always easy to distinguish true love from a controlling relationship. In fact, "a lot of signs of a controlling partner can be highly romanticized in the beginning of the relationship," says Heather Lofton, PhD, a therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

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  • 9 Surprising Signs Your Partner Is Gaslighting You

So while all those "sweet" moments he spends concerned about your whereabouts could mean chivalry isn't totally dead, it could also hint at potentially controlling behavior. It’s important to have your radar up, experts say, because what starts as annoying can wind up abusive—and that's much harder (and more dangerous) to get away from. "One of my biggest concerns is how gray some of these things can be until you’re a year into a relationship, which can be difficult to sort through and leave," explains Lofton.

If you think you might have a controlling boyfriend, here are 10 signs to look out for:

1. You’re increasingly isolated from friends and family.

Sure, any relationship is a time commitment and may require you to adjust priorities. Maybe you no longer spend all weekend brunching and binge watching Vanderpump Rules with your girls, or every weeknight glued to work. But if your BF is controlling, he may not only dislike you spending time with the other important people in your life, but might even try to turn you against them ("Your mom sure treats you like crap"), so you think the distance is a good thing, Bruneau says. Take note now.

2. You don’t have many other people to talk to.

Similarly, a controlling partner isn’t cool with the concept (and pretty much the fact) that he can’t meet all of your needs. If you no longer call your college BFF for advice or to vent because your BF has made you believe he should be your one and only source of support, you may have an impending problem on your hands. "It's a form of isolation that I encourage all women to be aware of," says Lofton.

3. You’re apologizing all the time.

Find yourself saying "sorry" a lot, even though you're not entirely sure what you’ve done wrong? That's a check in the "controlling partner" box. Someone who wants to have all the power in a relationship often turns their own faults on you—making you feel like you’re the one who’s too critical, not committed to the relationship, or even a bad girlfriend—because that's how they stay in control.

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"You might say, 'I wasn’t being empathetic enough or patient enough,'" Bruneau explains, or feel like you’re always "messing up." In reality, your partner should be the one apologizing.

4. You’re hiding innocent things from him.

Say you go to an impromptu happy hour after work or run into a friend and get sidetracked catching up. Do you consciously avoid telling your partner about it? That’s a red flag, according to experts. "If there are a lot of secrets you’re keeping for fear of judgment or the way he might respond… it may be a sign he’s controlling," says Bruneau.

5. His love is conditional.

While many signs of a controlling partner are subtle, this one—"I’ll only love you if" or "You’re going to push me away if" sentiments—should set off the alarm bells, Lofton says. "This form of controlling looks like, 'I love you once you get a new job,' or, 'You will be more desirable to me as soon as you change your hair color or lose weight,'" she explains. "That can lead to women believing they’re not accepted or worthy of love."

Think your boyfriend's "The One"? Ask yourself these questions first:

6. He thinks he's always right.

If your boyfriend is confident, charming, and persuasive, you might think you've hit the jackpot. After all, those are all great career skills, and they're probably part of what makes him attractive. But they could also make him a controlling partner. For example, your BF might say something like "having male friends is disrespectful to our relationship" with such confidence that you think, "I guess that’s the truth" or "I was so naïve in past relationships," Bruneau notes. "You get to this place where you don’t even trust yourself anymore. "

7. He treats you more like a child than an equal.

When you lived with your parents, you couldn’t leave the house in a short skirt or come in after midnight. It wasn't always fun, but hey, that’s kinda what parents are for. A partner, however, should treat you like, well, a partner.

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Rules or restrictions on what you wear, who you hang out with, what you eat, or how you spend your free time are not okay. "That’s a form of extreme protection and possession that can, again, be viewed as flattering, but also very damaging at the same time," says Lofton.

8. He keeps score.

Will your BF just not let go of that one time you cancelled plans or when you told your friend about something before him? That’s not fair, and potentially controlling, Bruneau says. "Little interactions that keep getting brought up can make you feel like you owe something to them," she says. You don’t.

9. You have zero privacy.
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If you want to share, say, your salary with your partner, feel free. But if he demands to see sensitive and irrelevant-to-him things like your text message history, bank statements, and work computer, consider yourself warned. One way controlling partners "maintain that level of control [is] by being very transparent about what they’re going through," says Lofton.

10. He criticizes the most mundane things.

Did you used to think making the bed or chopping onions was nbd, but now, even those inconsequential habits are under your partner’s scrutiny? Sounds like a controlling relationship. Still, it can be tough to recognize when you’re in it, Bruneau says. If you grew up with critical parents or are self-critical (aren’t we all?), "hearing that criticism almost feels more comfortable than not hearing it," she says.

Okay, so now what?

Any one of these signs alone probably doesn’t mean you’re in a controlling relationship—especially if it only happened once. Maybe your partner had a moment of weakness and read an email you left on the screen.

But, if several of these signs add up to an overall controlling pattern, take action before the behavior becomes abusive.

First, experts recommend sharing how you feel with your boyfriend. Think less: "You’re so controlling!" and more: "I feel criticized when you tell me I don’t make the bed properly" or "I feel distrusted when you tell me I can’t hang out with Joe."

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If you're in what Lofton calls a "low-risk controlling relationship," you can still talk to your boyfriend about how you feel and why you think there is a level of disrespect. "Your partner may be open to hearing that kind of language," she says.

Next, make an effort to reach back out to those friends and family members who’ve been slipping away since your relationship began. "Those people will be your supports and confidantes in navigating the challenges within your romantic relationship and will help give you the strength and validation necessary to making clear-minded decisions," says Bruneau. If the relationship starts to slip into abusive territory, those folks will likely be the ones to point it out—and help get you out.

Also consider professional help. "Some of these behaviors can be worked through in therapy," Lofton explains, pointing out that, sometimes, the behavior stems from some past trauma in the controlling partner’s life. Try going to a marriage and family therapist together, and encourage your partner to see a therapist on his own, too. "Therapy can help the controlling partner understand the development of the behavior and create tools for dismantling it," says Lofton.

If he resists, then you should seriously think about ending the relationship. After all, there's no point in staying with someone who knows their controlling behavior makes you unhappy, but doesn't want to do anything about it. And if that seems difficult or even dangerous (which it certainly can be), seek out help from The National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Anna Medaris Miller

Anna Medaris Miller is a writer and editor in New York City who has years of experience reporting and writing on various health topics. She's covered the upsides of sugar consumption and the downsides of standing desks, but because she made her national TV debut explaining why toilet seat covers are useless, she'll forever identify with "the bowel beat." Public swimming pools, brewpub patios, and basset hound festivals are her happy places. 

90,000 19 signs when a man is in control. Advice for women who have been bullied

Many women meet a man who tries to control her, hiding behind a desire to protect her. We will tell you what signs will make it clear where care ends and control begins.

He was charming, attractive, intelligent, cheerful and kind. He knew the right words to say to make you feel special.

He was the perfect partner for you - until he began to control you.

This did not happen immediately. At first you thought that he was too attentive and ready to help. He just wanted the best for you.

He is a strong, resolute person who knows what he wants and says what he thinks.

But over time, suggestions and friendly advice turned into criticism and demands.

Charm turned into manipulation , and his kindness began to depend on how you are obedient .

It turns out that your ideal man is a control freak who demands that everything be done according to his rules. You have witnessed the first signs of a controlling man.

He has many psychological tools at his disposal to ensure that you do what he wants or suffer the consequences.

Consequences range from ultimatums, manipulation and threats to shame, accusations and closeness.

What's in this article

Expand

  1. What is excessive control in a relationship?
  2. Characteristics of men who control women
  3. Why does a man control a woman?
  4. 19 signs when a man controls a woman
    1. He wants what he wants
    2. He constantly criticizes you
    3. He is trying to isolate you from others
    4. He conditions love and affection
    5. He is a master of guilt
    6. He is constantly spying and checking on you
    7. He is possessive and jealous
    8. He doesn't care about your point of view
    9. He does not respect your needs
    10. He intimidates you (gaslights)
    11. He exhausts you to the limit
    12. He perceives abuse as love
    13. He manipulates
    14. He does not admit his guilt
    15. In the eyes of others, he seems like a great guy
    16. He thinks you are always not doing enough
    17. He keeps score
    18. He makes sex weird or disturbing
    19. They undermine your goals and values ​​
  5. Can men who control women change?
  6. How to deal with a man who controls a woman?
  7. Stand up for yourself in front of controlling men

What is excessive control in a relationship?

Each of us has our own special needs and desires in relationships, our own ways of doing things that we have developed long before we meet our partners. We have opinions, beliefs, and assumptions shaped by years of life experience.

Becoming a part of a couple, there is a quite natural desire that our partner looks at the world the same as we do. In fact, sometimes we subtly or overtly try to convince our partner that our path is the best.

If it's natural, when does it become a problem? How to determine when partner 's attempts to coerce become attempts to control?

A few questions a woman should ask herself to know if a man is controlling her:
  • Do you feel that your man will somehow punish you if you don't do what he says?
  • Do you feel that your partner is ignoring or rejecting your opinions or feelings?
  • Have you changed many of your opinions or beliefs to fit his?
  • Do you feel like you have lost a lot of your independence?
  • Do you hold back when you say what you think, for fear of angering him?
  • Do you analyze all your actions (in a way that you have not analyzed before) because you are not sure of yourself and what is appropriate in a relationship?
  • Does your man treat you more like a child or a subordinate than a real partner?
  • Have you lost your identity and self-esteem?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your man is in too much control.

Characteristics of men who control women

Men who control women are not always those tough guys you see in movies who scream and fight to get their way.

This may be the quiet boy next door or an educated, affable extrovert. They can be representatives of almost any origin and social status.

Men are united by the need for control of women and the compulsion to exercise this control in their intimate relationships .

Controlling men have learned to deceive the smartest and most capable woman, only to reveal their true nature after the woman is hooked or married to him.

Changes can come slowly, like a low-grade fever turning into a full-blown virus, or with such sudden intensity that you wonder if an alien creature has entered his body overnight.

The hardest part is at the beginning of because you are confused and shocked . He was so sweet and loving. What happened? Did I do something that led to this?

Short answer: no you did nothing wrong - except perhaps you didn't notice the early signs of a controlling relationship and didn't learn how to deal with a controlling man or spouse.

Why does a man control a woman?

What is going on in your partner's head and why does he treat you like this?

Some of the common reasons men can control women:
  • Traumatic past experience
  • Uncertainty and low self-esteem
  • Current or past self-monitoring
  • Anxiety about feeling "out of control"
  • The need to feel superior or better than someone else.

You can sympathize with men who have these reasons, but do not justify them. Past traumas and self-doubt do not give a man the right to pressure and manipulate you. He must heal himself to be ready for a healthy relationship.

Research shows that these men are often dealing with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression , suggesting that they are aware on some level that their behavior is hurting the relationship.

Men who control women often have an erroneous idea of ​​their place in relationships. They consider themselves entrusted with rights and believe that their partners owe them something.

These men have a low level of compassion and do not regard their partner's needs and feelings as important as their own.

They may have narcissistic tendencies or they may be psychologically normal in other ways.

But their twisted, property-based thinking makes them believe they know best, even if their behavior is hurtful and unkind.

It is difficult to determine the exact reason why some men need to control the woman in their lives. Until your partner opens up to you and reveals their vulnerable inner world, you may have to read the coffee grounds to figure it out. Unfortunately, most men who control women do not know how to open up and are afraid of the risk of appearing weak.

19 signs that a man controls a woman

You may be confused about whether you are connected with a powerful man who wants to control you. You may have wondered if his behavior is a normal part of the development of a relationship.

We all engage in controlling behavior from time to time, but it is important to be aware of the signs of a controlling husband or boyfriend that indicate that such behavior is not happening by accident. Recognizing in time that a man controls a woman will help you avoid pain.

  1. He demands what he wants.

    If he wants to do something and you don't, that's too bad for you. If you want to do something and he doesn't, that's bad for you too.

    His wants, needs and decisions are superior to your (unless he just doesn't care), and if you try to argue or insist on your own, you will get the full.

    He will intimidate you, be offended, try to make you feel guilty, or refuse to comply with your requests. It will make your life so miserable that you will simply give up.

    Over time, you will learn to simply agree. Unfortunately, this will lead to the fact that the controlling man will tighten the screws (tighten his behavior).

  2. He constantly criticizes you.

    He doesn't like what you're wearing or how you talk. He makes jokes about you. He always finds an error or flaw in your progress.

    You rarely feel good enough around such a person, because he always has something to fix, something that you could do better.

    A man who controls a woman often tries to justify his criticisms to make you feel too sensitive or whiny. “Why are you making an elephant out of a fly. I'm just trying to help you."

    Over time, you will feel unloved and there will be a feeling that you are constantly missing something.

  3. He tries to isolate you from others.

    A man, in order to more easily control a woman, will try to isolate her as much as possible from people close to her. Using subtle negative comments or open criticism, these men are trying to drive a wedge between you and the people you care about, who love and support you.

    This critic wants you to rely solely on him so that you become dependent on his decisions and demands. Without the support of friends and family, you can only turn to this man, and he wants to make sure that you fully meet his needs.

  4. He conditions love and affection.

    Using love as a tool of manipulation, a man controls a woman 100%. He knows that you crave love and affection, so he gives them depending on what he wants from you.

    He won't say "I love you" until you agree to his demand for a new car. He refuses sex because you spent the day with your sister. He looks at you coldly with steely eyes because dinner was served too late.

    He uses these methods to train you like a puppy . When you obey, you enjoy. When you disobey, you get nothing - or worse.

  5. He is a master of guilt.

    A man's favorite instrument of control over a woman is to induce feelings of guilt. They find your emotional Achilles heel and play you like a violin.

    Caring, sensitive people don't want to feel like they've hurt or angered someone, especially someone they love. They want to return the location of a loved one. It's okay if the guilt is justified. But with a man who controls a woman, this rarely happens.

    He will find a way to make you feel guilty about something you didn't do or are not responsible for. You will do anything to get rid of this feeling of guilt .

    Men who control women have a masterful way of making you believe that you are responsible and that only you can make things right by following their orders.

  6. He is constantly spying and testing you.

    If a man controls a woman, this characterizes him as a person who is unable to trust.

    He wants to know where you are going when you get back, who you write to, what you say, and every plan you make.

    He rummages through your purse, looks through your messages in the social. networks, stealthily peeks into your phone and rummages through your things. He believes that they have the right to know everything about you and what you have no right to privacy .

    He is looking for ways you can control your own life. If he finds something that could potentially undermine his control, you will know about it.

  7. He is possessive and jealous.

    Jealousy is one of the powerful tools of a man to control a woman.

    Part of his attempts to spy on and isolate the woman is due to feelings of intense jealousy. At first, his jealousy is attractive as it shows how much he loves you, but over time it becomes dark and twisty.

    He constantly suspects your intentions and actions and considers the most innocent interactions as flirting .

    He wants to control all your interactions with other people because he is paranoid about you leaving.

    Read also

    31 tips for men and women on the first date

    Why does a man distance himself? Top 13 Reasons

  8. He doesn't care about your point of view.

    If you express your opinion or belief, you will be silenced or ignored. Nothing you say matters unless you are exactly repeating the opinions or thoughts of your controlling partner.

    He will dominate the conversation, interrupt you or make snide remarks about what you have said. If you try to point this out to him, he will ignore your concerns or reverse the situation in a way that makes you feel guilty or wrong. Dominance not only in conversation, but also in relationships is one of the forms of a man's control over a woman.

  9. He doesn't respect your needs.

    If you want to be alone, he will break in and demand your attention. If you want to talk, he will turn on the TV and ignore you. If you are tired, he will complain that he is hungry and needs dinner right now. If you need to hug him, he will tell you to pull yourself together. These are vivid examples of how a man controls a woman.

    The idea that you have personal needs other than satisfying his needs rarely crosses his mind. And if he comes, he uses your needs like tool to manipulate you .

  10. He intimidates you (gaslights).

    Gaslighting means that he is trying to make you believe something that you know is not true or untrue, or he distorts the situation to confuse you and make you doubt yourself.

    You can complain about his humiliation or offensive actions, but he completely denies them or believes that you offended him . Or he may assume that you are crazy and imagine something that is not really there.

    If a man manages to make a woman lose her emotional and psychological support, he gets the opportunity to control the woman more. You begin to question your own judgment, your understanding of right and wrong, and reality.

  11. He exhausts you to the limit.

    Men constantly control women. They can be ruthless in their tactics. They will argue until they lose their voice. They will bombard you with their demands to the point of nausea. They can tighten the screws of guilt so tight that you will beg for relief.

    Most men who control women have far more stamina for their machinations than you have the energy to endure them. In the end, you will go crazy and let them control you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This is the ideal scenario for a controller. “Only me, always” is the motto of a man who controls a woman.

  12. He perceives abuse as love.

    Cruelty has nothing to do with love, but is one of the ways a man can control a woman.

    Since controlling men have a sense of their own superiority, they consider their cruel behavior appropriate and even loving . Since they know everything better than anyone, they are doing you a favor by making all the decisions for you and your life together.

    "You don't need to see your family because I love you more than all of them" or "You'd better not leave me because I love you so much I could die." These phrases indicate that a man controls a woman.

  13. He manipulates.

    All of the controlling behaviors listed here are manipulative. But often the men who control women take the manipulation to the extreme.

    When a woman tries to confront a controlling man, he uses tactics such as switching the conversation from her pain to his own. “I act this way because my father bullied me when I was a child.” "You wouldn't complain so often if you had a little understanding of how much I do for you."

    They are masters of turning your problems into their pain and suffering .

  14. He does not admit his guilt.

    One of the reasons for such manipulation and evasion is to protect oneself from accusations. Men with woman control problems do not want to take the blame or responsibility for their hurtful behavior.

    They refuse to look at themselves and see that they are the source of disagreement between you. In fact, they turn things around and make you the cause of their hurtful actions and words. “It’s impossible not to be angry because of her!”

    In their minds , taking responsibility means losing control and recognizing that they are not entitled to special rules related to their behavior.

  15. In the eyes of others, he seems like a great guy.

    Duplicity is characteristic of men who control women.

    It can behave differently. In front of his family and friends, he is a handsome prince. And before the woman he controls, this man appears in a completely different way.

    His control over you extends to the perception of others around him and you as a couple .

    In company, he will demonstrate the charisma and magnetism that first attracted you to him. But as soon as you're alone, the shine will fade and he'll turn back into his intimidating and demanding counterpart.

    Seeing how his good qualities are displayed in front of others, you become embarrassed and wonder if you are the problem. You may think that you should hang on to him because he really does have that positive side. But not when he is with you.

  16. He thinks you never do enough.

    At first, these were subtle hints, like: "Let's work out sports together and lose ten kilograms." Over time, it becomes just disgusting: "You're getting fat, and you need to do something about it if we want everything to be fine between us."

    Even the most insignificant things of are exposed to his unfriendly assessments and discontent. He doesn't like the way you load the dishwasher. It lets you know when you don't like your outfit. He makes snide remarks about small mistakes.

    Next to a man who controls a woman, it is difficult to feel loved and maintain self-esteem. Daily subjecting to humiliation and negativity, a man tries to control a woman.

  17. He keeps score.

    Basically a man who controls a woman counts his deeds, the efforts he put in, the sacrifices he had to endure. Your rating always lags behind his rating because, in his opinion, what you contribute to the relationship matters less.

    In his selfish attempts to feel superior, he can only see what the relationship is costing him. And it infuriates him. You can spin like a squirrel in a wheel, doing housework 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it still won't be enough. Unfortunately, when a man controls a woman, all her efforts are shattered against the wall of rejection of him.

  18. It makes sex weird or disturbing.

    Physical intimacy with a controlling man can be very strange. Your particular man may demand sex but be indifferent to your sexual and emotional needs.

    Or he has become so out of touch with emotional intimacy that sex is a formality or just a physical release for him.

    Some men allow themselves to control a woman through sex. If you don't satisfy him in some way, he refuses to have sex or threatens to get it elsewhere. Whatever happens to him shows up in the bedroom and you don't like it at all.

  19. He undermines your goals and values.

    In order for a man to control a woman, he needs to undermine your goals and values.

    If your man feels insecure because you are doing well in your career or in your personal life, he will do his best to splash you with cold water.

    Let's say you want to start your own business, but he lets you know that you don't have the ability to do so . Or you just got a promotion at work, but it requires you to turn it down so you don't spend so much time at work.

    He may also try to ruin some of the things you value in life. If you are a vegetarian, he will constantly taunt you and cook meat dishes for you. If you like to dress well, he will tell you that you are being arrogant or showing off.

If any of these controlling behaviors are familiar to you in your relationships and you see them happening regularly, well, I'm truly sorry. It's hard when your hopes and dreams are destroyed by the insidious poison of a controlling boyfriend or spouse.

Can men who control women change?

The next two questions that often come up when women realize they are connected to a controlling man are:

#1: What do I do about it?

#2: Can he change?

In answer to question #1, if you are not married to this person or have any obligations (financials, children, etc.), then the answer is leave now. Get away from this person as quickly as you can.

Yes, you may still love him and think he has a lot of potential, if only he didn't show his "bad side". But that brings us to question #2, and the answer is unlikely.

A man who controls a woman must be highly motivated to change his behavior and maintain healthy new patterns of behavior once he acknowledges his controlling personality.

Why would a controlling man change if he has all the benefits of controlling behavior ?

  • He has a sense of power that comes with control.
  • He gets his way in almost everything.
  • He "trained" you and your children to follow his orders.
  • He is the center of attention.
  • He controls the finances.
  • In the eyes of friends and family, he looks great, because they do not know about his behavior.

It is possible that a controlling man can change the situation and learn the skills of a mature, loving relationship, but this does not happen often and requires serious introspection and counseling psychologist .

If you are just dating this man, why waste time waiting to understand. Can you always end the relationship and find someone who is not in control?

If you are married or live with a controlling man, divorce is much more difficult, especially when it comes to children.

In addition to the practical reasons for maintaining a relationship, there are many conflicting emotional considerations, such as fear, low self-esteem and unhealthy attachment problems .

Whether you choose to stay with your controlling partner or end the relationship, there are things you can do to feel stronger and loosen that abuser's grip.

How to deal with a man who controls a woman?

A few ideas if you are now thinking, "My man controls me."
  • Restore support group from friends and family. Tell a few people close to you what's going on with your partner and tell them that you need their support and attention.
  • If you can't find someone, see a psychologist. You may still need it to help you navigate your feelings and decisions for the future.
  • Calmly explain your position to your partner. If you are not afraid for your physical safety, sit down with your partner and let him know how negatively his behavior affects you.
  • Give some examples of what you are talking about, how this behavior harms your relationship and how you feel about it.
  • He'll probably argue or defend himself, but at least you've warned him that you know his tricks. Remain calm even if he gets angry.
  • Offer psychological counseling for couples . During a conversation with a partner, ask if he is ready to go to a psychologist to work on your marriage.
  • A good psychologist will quickly figure out what the problem is. Unfortunately, many men who control women refuse psychological help because they are afraid that their behavior will be exposed. But it is an effective way to stop a controlling man and change his attitude.
  • Try not to blame directly, even if his control problems are the main reason you want to leave.
  • Reward positive behavior. If you see any positive changes in your partner, acknowledge them right away and praise them. Warm up mature words and actions. The best you can hear is your spouse's sincere question, "Am I in control?"
  • Remember, a few positive examples of behavior do not mean that control is over. This is a step in the right direction, but you should see an example of consistent effort and positive change.
  • Set new boundaries for yourself. As long as you remain in the relationship, protect yourself from further emotional abuse from this controlling man. You may not be able to stop his controlling behavior or words, but you can change how you react to them.
  • Stop him when that happens, and say something like, “This is a great example of the controlling behavior I was talking about. Your attempts to induce guilt will no longer work with me."
  • Consistently bring what you started to the end. If you tell your partner about your plans or make a decision about something, and he is dissatisfied or tries to control you - do not give in, as you did in the past.
  • Try to ignore or avoid his stupidity. If you give in, he will see that you do not intend to behave seriously, and will further aggravate his behavior.
  • If you decide to leave, make a plan. In the end, you may decide that the relationship cannot be fixed and your partner will never change. For him, the ultimate relinquishment of control is watching you walk out the door. Make a plan ahead of time to end the relationship, outlining the steps you need to take to leave.
  • Consult an attorney, set up a support group of friends, work with a psychologist on an exit strategy, consider your finances and living arrangements, and make sure you have a plan for your children, if you have any.

Stand up for yourself in front of controlling men

Whatever you do, don't let his controlling behavior go unchecked. The longer a woman allows a man to control, the more her mental and emotional health suffers.

Then your confidence and self-esteem weaken, and it becomes more difficult to stand up for yourself and restore your dignity in relationships.

You deserve a loving partner who recognizes your value and equality in marriage or relationships. You are entitled to your own choices, actions, opinions and beliefs .

Don't be fooled by an overbearing man who wants to keep you under his control. Recognize this behavior for what it is and empower yourself.

5 signs that a man is subtly controlling you

When we meet a man who behaves like a knight, it is fascinating. We feel beautiful, desirable, worthy of care and love. But at some point, we begin to notice cracks in his sparkling armor and ask ourselves: does he want to protect me or is he trying to control everything?

If you are reading this article, you have probably already asked yourself this question. Don't beat yourself up: you're not the first of the billions or so women trapped in the "care is control" mindset. Here are the signs that will tell you that you really need to get out of it.

1. He directly says that he should be at the helm

At first, this can make a good impression: he is a real man, strong and self-confident. But the phrase “It will be in my opinion or not at all!” says that if you ever stumble, you will be punished. Even if this punishment is silent ignoring, for you it will become a real torment. Especially considering that you most likely won’t even understand what exactly you did wrong.

2. Acts like he knows absolutely everything

The controlling man is omniscient and you have to admit it. It doesn’t matter what you yourself think about this or that topic, be it politics, art, relationships or parenting. He will categorically insist on his own rightness, making you feel guilty for the fact that your opinion is different.

Do not argue or try to explain that there may be a different point of view. Otherwise, he will be furious not only because you have a different opinion, but also because you dared to express it. Rabies can manifest itself in ridicule and sexist jokes. It is important for him that you learn: he understands everything better than you and everyone around you.

3. He decides how, where and when you have sex

An enterprising man is wonderful. But even the most proactive partner should take into account your desire and mood.

He can convince you as much as he likes that a “real woman” or a “dream woman” should be depraved (or, on the contrary, pretendedly modest), fulfill all his fantasies and whims. But it is important to remember: you should be as depraved or modest as you yourself want it at the moment.

You should be comfortable and feel safe. And you certainly should not do what you do not want, even if your man craves it. Don't be violent towards yourself.

4. You adjust your behavior to his needs

This is a subtle point that is difficult to track. You may feel like you are making small concessions to please your loved one.

For example, he may say that you should wear a T-shirt over a sports top for a run, because otherwise you will look too naked, and you may even think that this is a sign of care. But when it gets too hot for you and you take off your shirt, for him it will be a real betrayal, followed by either a long offended silence or a scandal.

If a man tries to forbid you to wear something, make up the way you are used to, ride a bicycle alone in the evening - this is only the beginning. Further, everything that you love will be banned.

5. He treated his previous partners in the same way

It is unlikely that anyone wants to ask advice from an ex-girlfriend or wife of his chosen one. But it is important to know what his relationship with previous partners looked like. This shows you what to expect.

If his girlfriend wants to tell you about something, it is most likely that she does it not out of jealousy and harmfulness, but out of female solidarity and a desire to help.

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