Hard time making decisions

Why Am I So Indecisive? 10 Methods to Help You Make Decisions

Indecisiveness has many causes. But you can get better at making decisions, big and small, with practice and time.

Whether it’s a major decision, such as choosing a life partner, or a minor decision, such as what to eat for breakfast, being indecisive can significantly impact your life.

Difficulty in making decisions can be caused by several factors, such as a fear of failure and a lack of confidence or information.

Indecisiveness can also be a symptom of mental health conditions, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

If you experience indecisiveness and making decisions is a constant source of stress and anxiety, you’re not alone. There are effective methods that can help with decision making.

There are many situations that may cause indecisiveness. Here are a few.

Fear of failure

Some people are inherently more hesitant when it comes to making decisions. Indecisiveness certainly can be a learned behavior.

“Those raised in environments where decision making is seen as an opportunity to learn and grow tend to feel more comfortable making choices,” says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist. “If, however, decision making becomes associated with making errors or ‘bad choices,’ indecisiveness often results.”

For example, if a parent criticizes a child for making a poor decision, the child will avoid making decisions for fear of being seen as a failure.

“These fears can carry over into adulthood and lead to the use of indecisiveness as an unconscious coping strategy,” Manly explains. “Over time, the stress and anxiety associated with making decisions leads to an avoidance of making both small and large decisions.”

In this paradigm, decision making can have a negative impact on self-worth.

“A ‘good’ decision increases self-worth, and a ‘bad’ decision leads to self-criticism,” Manly says. “In many cases, the fear and anxiety evoked at the mere thought of having to make a decision can be quite paralyzing. This perpetuates the tendency to default to the relative safety of indecision.”

Parental influence

The root of your indecision may go back to parental influence.

“If someone has grown up with overbearing parents, they may not have had an opportunity to make decisions independently,” says Haley Perlus, PhD, a sport and performance psychologist. “There was never any chance for the person to fail or succeed by themselves.

“As such, once they’re given the opportunity to make a choice, they’re left looking for someone else to make that choice for them,” Perlus says.

You’re a perfectionist

Perfectionism can lead to numerous health problems, including:

anxiety
depression
burnout

“When someone constantly sees their options categorized as ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’ they may find themselves paralyzed at the thought of accidentally choosing the ‘wrong’ decision,” Perlus says. “This leads to a constant back-and-forth as they struggle to figure out the correct choice. ”

You’re a people pleaser

Do you constantly worry about what others think?

“If you’re a people pleaser, you may find yourself continuously struggling internally between choice A (what you want) and choice B (what others want),” Perlus says.

You’ve lost sight of the bigger picture

This goes back to focusing on what matters. Many people get lost in the details and can become overwhelmed.

“Most people strive for some kind of goal, whether professionally, spiritually, or mentally,” Perlus says. “However, when one begins to lose sight of these goals, they often start to lose sight of how they’ll get to the goals as well, leaving them feeling lost and confused when it comes time to decide which direction they should take.”

You lack confidence

Self-confidence is a key component of decision making.

“Perhaps someone does know which direction they should move toward to achieve their goals,” Perlus says. “Yet if they’re insecure, they may be able to choose the decision that’s right for them but struggle with sticking to it. Self-doubt and a lack of confidence could even mean they procrastinate.”

You lack proper knowledge of the subject

This is less internal and more due to circumstances.

“Some people may have the confidence and skills to make solid decisions promptly,” Perlus says. “If this is the case, the problem could lie in the fact that a person simply does not have enough information on the subject they need to decide on.”

You have aboulomania

This is a diagnosable mental disorder.

“Aboulomania is when a person shows signs of pathological indecisiveness,” Perlus explains. “While most people will be indecisive at some point, people with aboulomania are indecisive to the point where it is an obsession and severely affects their daily lives.”

A symptom of other mental health conditions

Indecisiveness can be a symptom of mental health conditions. In fact, indecisiveness is a prevalent symptom of major depressive disorder.

People with ADHD also experience difficulty making decisions due to factors, such as inattention, memory problems, and distractibility.

Other mental health conditions in which indecisiveness can be a symptom are:

anxiety
dependent personality disorder
stress
childhood trauma
Alzheimer’s disease

Here are 10 methods to try that may help you become more decisive.

Make decisions for yourself

Asking 10 people about one topic will only confuse you further. Ultimately, if you trust your intuition, you will know what the right decision is.

“Nobody can give you the correct answers on what’s best for you besides yourself,” Perlus says. “Try not to allow others to be the decider between you and your goals.”

Develop your confidence

When you make a choice, trust your intuition that it’s the right decision for yourself.

“Avoid second-guessing. If you have the confidence to trust yourself, you’ll find making and sticking to decisions much easier,” Perlus says.

Let things go

The fear that comes with worrying about making the “wrong” decisions can be paralyzing.

“Try not to worry about mistakes — they’re a part of life. Once you accept that things are not always in your control, making decisions will be much less threatening,” Perlus says.

Choose one person that can act as a sounding board

There will be instances when you’re truly stumped.

“When feeling stuck, ask a supportive friend or partner to weigh in,” Manly says.

Talk it out

The simple act of speaking out loud will help alleviate indecision and internal conflict.

“If it feels right, voice your thoughts out loud to a friend or partner. Decisions can become less confusing and worrisome when we voice our fears and choices out loud,” Manly says.

Narrow it down

If you’re facing a variety of options, take a practical approach.

“Narrow down your selections to three options with a ‘surgical slice.’ Don’t question yourself. Then evaluate the final three options and pick one,” Manly says.

Outline the pros and cons

If you get stuck, draft a simple pro-con list. But the important thing to remember is to write it down. Mentally weighing the pros and cons is simply adding to the indecisiveness.

“Pro-con lists facilitate objective and sound decision making,” Manly says.

Flip a coin

Of course, this method shouldn’t be used for big decisions, such as marriage. But this will work if it’s something as simple as what to order on the menu.

“This simple trick (which I use often) makes the decision for you,” Manly says. “And, there are times when your gut knows what it truly wants when the coin lands the ‘wrong’ way.”

What’s interesting about flipping a coin is that your reaction will actually reveal what you truly want.

Avoid questioning your final decision

Once you’ve made the decision, avoid second-guessing yourself.

“Simply embrace your selection and move forward,” Manly says.

Recognize and celebrate your decisions

Congratulate yourself for every decision you make.

“Practice a kind, validating affirmation,” Manly says. “For example, you might say, ‘I made a great decision. I’m getting better at making choices! This feels good!’ If a negative voice tries to step in to create self-doubt, simply repeat your kind, validating words.”

Making decisions — big and small — can sometimes be difficult. We’ve all experienced indecisiveness.

Indecisiveness can be caused by several factors, from a fear of failure and lack of information, to conditions, such as aboulomania, depression, and ADHD.

But there are steps you can take to get better at making decisions. If you feel that indecisiveness is affecting your daily life, consider talking with a doctor or mental health professional.

For more resources and support, consider the following:

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
Mental Health America
ADHD Resources: Support Groups, Books, Apps, and More
Support Groups for Adults with ADHD
CHADD for Adults
ADHD Coaches Organization

Looking for a therapist but unsure where to start? Psych Central’s How to Find Mental Health Support resource can help.

5 Steps for Overcoming Indecision

Does figuring out what to wear to a party put you into a tailspin? Do you become paralyzed when trying to decide whether or not to take that new job? Struggling with indecision is like being stuck in the mud. It’s just no fun. Famous psychologist and philosopher William James said, “There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.”

Don’t worry, though. Making decisions might be difficult sometimes. But like any skill, you can get better at it with practice.

Fear of making the wrong decision is one of the reasons that many people hesitate when faced with a choice. You may be afraid of failure or even the consequences of success. You may worry what other people will think about you. Perfectionism may be getting in your way.

And you might be out of practice, especially if you haven’t made many big decisions in your life.

Indecision isn’t always bad. Sometimes hesitation gives you valuable time to think about the situation. It gives you the chance to gather more information and weigh the facts. If you can’t make a quick decision, it may be a sign that the choice really matters to you. If you’re second guessing yourself, it might be a warning that you’re about to make the wrong decision. The important thing is to not let indecision keep you stuck forever.

Indecision becomes a bad thing when it lasts too long. How long is too long? That depends on the circumstances. Will you miss an important opportunity if you wait? Could you lose something that you really want? Is the decision getting harder to make, the more you dwell on it?

Indecision can sometimes become decision by default. If you decide not to decide, you give up your power of choice. Someone else might be hired for that job you wanted or another buyer might move into your dream home.

You may have already labeled yourself an indecisive person, but don’t cut yourself short. You can learn to make decisions, just like you learned to perform a job interview or drive a car. It’s a skill like any other.

Lacking confidence in your ability is only a mindset. Take a step back and regroup. Tell yourself, you can become a decisive person!

If you can’t make a decision, there’s a good chance that you’re afraid of something. Figure out what it is and write it down. Ask yourself what you’ll do if your fear comes to pass. Is it truly possible? If so, how will you cope?

For example, you might be considering a job change but fear the financial risks. Maybe the new job pays less than your current job. Consider how the reduced income will affect your life and how you might deal with it. Then set your fear aside and make the decision that seems best to you.

Many people who have trouble making decisions tend to over-analyze. There comes a time when no matter how much information you have, or how much logic you’ve applied, the decision isn’t going to get any easier.

Set a time limit on your research, list-making, and pondering. Then ask yourself: “Which would do me the most good: A or B?” Quickly rate each option from one to ten. Go with your gut. The option with the higher number is the option you should choose.

To become an expert at anything, you need to practice. Start making little decisions every day. Shoot for at least 10 decisions. Decide what you’re going to have for lunch and what route you’re going to take to work. Go to your favorite store and choose one small purchase. As little things come up throughout the day, practice making faster decisions. Unless it’s a big one, don’t put it off. Give yourself a time limit and decide!

Sometimes, decisions seem much bigger than they really are. Maybe you’re struggling with a new car purchase. Will it really matter 10 years from now which car you choose?

The answer might be “No!” But even when it’s “Yes!”, remind yourself that many decisions are reversible. You can sell the car if it doesn’t work out. You might be able to move back if you don’t like the new town. You can quit your new job if it’s really horrible. Try not to take the decision more seriously than you need to. Be realistic about the risks involved.

List your strengths. Are you smart? Funny? Creative? Ask yourself if you can incorporate your strengths into your decision-making process. For example, if you’re creative, consider making a collage to represent each choice in front of you. Your strengths can also help you achieve what you set out to do, once you’ve made a choice.

Finally, accept the power of “good enough,” especially if you tend to be a perfectionist. None of us can achieve perfection all of the time.

I don't know how to make decisions

59 084

Know yourselfAntistress

To be or not to be - that is the question! Perhaps the words of Hamlet best describe a man who is so insecure. “He knows that he must kill his stepfather, and he hesitates only because the goal he is pursuing unconsciously frightens him,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov, a Gestalt therapist. - He strives for the ideal and is tormented by his own imperfection. And therefore cannot be fully satisfied with any of the solutions.

At the moment when a person has to give an unequivocal answer and is unable to do so, a real panic can seize him. “He feels embarrassed, annoyed, embarrassed, feels guilty for dragging out time,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. “These feelings are exacerbated and can develop into irritation and even anger if his companion or companion begins to push or criticize him.”

Paradoxically, the more he hesitates, the more sure he really is about what to do. But still waiting for someone to make the decision for him. Such an unconscious strategy gives a person the opportunity not to take responsibility for the consequences and for the choices made by others.

“I am learning to listen to my desires”

Ekaterina, 36, doctor

“When I have to choose black pants or a red dress in a store, I buy both. For several years now I have been hesitant to leave the hospital to go into private practice. I am not able to connect my life with the man I love, because I cannot answer simple questions: should we live together or not? Have kids or wait?

As soon as I have to make a choice, I involuntarily begin to procrastinate, procrastinate, as if waiting for someone to decide for me. .. The situation became so unbearable that I decided to take a course of transactional analysis.

I am working with my therapist to learn to listen to my desires, trying not to be guided by the opinions and tastes of my authoritarian mother. My path of healing is to finally release my inner child, still living in me, who has been deprived of the right to speak since childhood.

Fear of making mistakes

Those who find it difficult to make their own decisions suffer from self-doubt. They are afraid of making mistakes, because having made a choice in favor of, say, one dish in a restaurant, they have to refuse others that are presented on the menu.

“Self-doubt becomes the main property of a person if, from early childhood, when making a decision, he is used to relying on the opinions of others — parents, friends or people who are authoritative for him,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov.

— Such a tactic of behavior develops in a child if his parents are authoritarian and adhere to a rigid style of upbringing. They constantly evaluate the child, criticize his behavior, his preferences, make decisions for him ... And he gradually ceases to rely on himself.

A daunting choice

Sometimes having to settle for a single option confuses even the smartest of us. As a rule, the breadth of possibilities is discouraging. But the reasons for such confusion are not that we do not know how to choose. On the contrary, we often know which solution, for example, will bring profit to our company or to us personally, and which one will not.

“But in general matters, the selection criteria are not related to our personal preferences and tastes,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov, “but in a restaurant or shop they depend directly on them. We need to choose a dish simply because we like it, guided by the principle of “I want it that way”, and not because it is cheaper or objectively tastier.”

And those who rarely think about what they like, what they really need, are often lost. And they act out of habit or on the basis of the fact that “it is customary”, listening to advertising or the advice of friends.

Advice to those who are nearby

It is pointless to give advice to an indecisive person, but it is dangerous to make decisions for him, because then he will lay all the responsibility on you. Another mistake is to blame him for inaction: this will increase his negative attitude towards himself.

Help him figure out what is preventing him from being more determined. Make it clear that he only clings to self-doubt because he focuses on hypothetical losses rather than potential gains. It is difficult for a self-doubting person to recognize the consequences of his indecision. Point out to him what can happen if he never learns to make his own decisions.

What to do?

1. Don't be afraid to take risks

Challenge yourself and others and win - learn to enjoy it. Every decision we make, like every victory over ourselves, strengthens our self-confidence. Use the technique of model behavior: choose for yourself a brave, determined person who, in your opinion, can serve as an example of success and willpower. And every time you make a decision, ask yourself: what would he do in my place?

2. Change position

You are mistaken when you confidently say about yourself: "I am not able to make this decision." In fact, you are like Molière's Monsieur Jourdain, who did not even suspect that he had been speaking prose all his life until he was told about it. After all, from morning to evening, every day you make a lot of decisions! So change your perspective: be more attentive to the decisions that you yourself made today.

Text: Natalia Gridneva Photo Source: Getty Images

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7 ways to learn how to make decisions

June 6Motivation

Rejecting hesitation is easier than it might seem.

You can listen to the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

1. Say no to perfectionism

Oddly enough, perfectionism and indecision often go hand in hand. Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, states: “In today's world where choices are almost unlimited, the desire to choose the best option leads to one frustration. Try not to look for "the best", but only "good enough".

Trying to choose the best, we start to delay the choice and sooner or later we slip into procrastination. Therefore, do not try to chase after an unattainable ideal, but work with what you have at the moment.

Find out 👇

Why you should not strive for the ideal

2. Make decisions in the morning

Argentine researchers Maria Juliana Leone and Mariano Sigman conducted several experiments and found that most people make the most accurate decisions in the morning.

The ability to make choices generally depends on the time of day. In the morning, people make decisions more slowly, but make more accurate choices, and in the evenings, we decide faster, but more often make mistakes.

Take note of this and try to make the most important decisions in the morning, when you are not yet tired of work, household chores and other routine. Ideally, create a to-do list of the things you definitely want to do today and follow the list throughout the day.

3. Let someone else make the decision

Research shows that too many options rob us of willpower and lead to "decision fatigue." The term was coined by social psychologist Roy Baumeister of Princeton University.

There is a trick to avoid this fatigue: shift the burden of choice onto someone else's shoulders. Of course, vital decisions should not be trusted by others - when your parents determine for you where to study and who to work with, this is not particularly good. But small issues can be delegated so as not to bother yourself.

Dr. Sheena Iyengar, author of The Art of Choice, gives this example. She loves wine, but she does not understand its varieties, aging, aromas and similar subtleties at all. Therefore, when she wants to drink, she does not leaf through the wine list for a long time, but simply asks the sommelier to pick up something suitable. Delegation of choice in all its glory.

Sheena Iyengar

Wine continues to delight me because I don't make the effort to choose it. I'm happy that I don't have to make a decision on my own, otherwise the choice of wine would become a job for me.

Take note 🤔

How to avoid decision fatigue and choice regrets

4. Make choices a habit

In fact, you don't even need the help of outsiders to communicate choices to them. You can rely on the power of habit. For example, Steve Jobs always wore the same shirts and jeans. He already had to constantly make decisions in the affairs of the company, and he did not want to waste his energy on choosing a wardrobe as well. Yes, and Mark Zuckerberg follows his example.

You can do the same: choose the right food, clothes or accessories once, and then just follow the habit. Or make for yourself a detailed schedule of the day and in the future do not suffer from the question of what to do next.

5. Use a random number generator

Another option is to choose between several equivalent options randomly. This method is recommended by venture capitalist Patrick McGinnis. He always has to decide how to conduct his business on the stock exchange, so he hardly thinks about unimportant issues, passing the choice ... to his watch.

Patrick McGinnis

I use the 'Consult the Clock' method to choose between all sorts of everyday little things. I reduce the list of options to two. Then I assign each option to one side of my clock - right or left. I look at which half of the dial the second hand is at this moment. Decision is made. It sounds silly, but if you try this method, you will thank me again. Saves a lot of time.

You might as well roll the dice or flip the coin, just like Harvey Dent.

6. Use the 90% rule

In fact, delegation of choice and clock tricks are only good for small things - if you can't decide what to eat for breakfast or what tie to tie. However, not all decisions in our life are so simple. For more complex choices, there is a 90% rule.

It was invented by Greg McKeon, author of Essentialism. It consists in the following. When we make a choice, each available option usually has pros and cons. McKeon suggests rating each option on a scale from 0 to 100. If your answer is less than 90 points, reject it.

Greg McKeon.

It's just common sense. If you can't say a definite "yes" to your decision, say "no" to it and don't worry.

The 90 percent rule makes decisions much easier: if an option has more than 10% cons and less than 90% pluses, it should not be accepted. “Think about how you would feel if you score 65 out of 100 on any test,” writes McKeon. You will most likely be disappointed. Do you want to experience the same feelings when you make an important choice?”

Try ❌

How to learn to say no

7. Do thought experiments

thought experiments.

For example, you are unsure whether to continue your romance or whether it is better to break up with your partner. Tim Urban suggests the following: Imagine a button. Clicking on it teleports you to the future, two months after the break. Your heavy conversations, public scenes and scandals in the past, your closet is free from things of the former or former - not a single forgotten sock. All in the past. Would you press such a button? If so, then you are not afraid of a breakup, but of the hassle and troubles that accompany it.

Or, for example, you want to go on a trip, but you can't decide. Imagine asking your friend to make a choice for you. One fine day, he hands you an envelope containing your tickets for tomorrow's flight.

Learn more