Good boundaries to have in a relationship

The Healthy Relationship Boundary You Might Be Missing

Boundaries can help you retain a sense of identity and personal space, and they’re easier to create and maintain than you might think.

You’ll find boundaries in every kind of relationship — from friends and family to colleagues and brief acquaintances. You can’t see them, but these lines help you stay “you” and provide a sense of mutual respect, protection, expectations, and support.

While they’re important in all areas, boundaries come up a lot when it comes to romantic partnerships.

Spending so much time with — and investing significant amounts of emotional energy in — one person can sometimes cause those lines to blur, especially in those heady early days where excitement and aiming-to-please levels are high.

So what do boundaries in this type of relationship involve, and are there organic ways to re-seed them?

“When it comes to your life as a couple, consider that there are actually three entities involved: yourself, your partner, and the relationship itself — and boundaries need to be defined for each,” says Dr. Jacqui Gabb, professor of sociology and intimacy at The Open University and chief relationships officer with the couples app Paired.

“Each of those three parties needs to be sustained, nourished, and feel respected,” Gabb says.

Examples of healthy boundaries in relationships

The following examples apply to romantic partnerships, but also any frequently communicative relationships where there’s responsibility and expectation on both sides, like business partners, co-parents, or in-laws. In healthy relationships, both people:

ask permission
take one another’s feelings into account
show gratitude
are honest
give space for autonomy and avoid codependence
show respect for differences in opinion, perspective, and feelings
sit with the other person’s communication of emotion
take responsibility for their actions

Good relationship boundaries

While there are some basic rules to consider when building and maintaining healthy boundaries (as noted above), what works for one person might not be so ideal for someone else.

“Everyone’s got their own space and comfort levels when it comes to boundaries,” explains James Preece, dating coach and author of “The Five Rules Of Dating In The New Normal.” “It’s [about] respect, and showing them ‘I love you for who you are, and I’m going to give you the space you need.’”

It’s important to remember, he adds, that “before you find a partner, you’ve got your own patterns of behaviors that you become used to. Respecting people’s personal space is a very important boundary in itself.”

Boundaries come into play in all aspects of intimate relationships, though you may find they’re more important or require a bit more attention in some circumstances than in others.

Texting is a very common one, notes Preece, when one partner constantly checks in “because they’re worried the other person is going to lose interest in them.” Yet research from 2017 shows frequent texting can lead to lower perceived relationship quality, so this is an important area in which to set some boundaries.

The amount of time you spend together is another key one to consider, and this is likely to change throughout the relationship. Whereas you might set a boundary early on in the relationship around how many days you see each other, later on, you have to ask: “When do you become the priority? Are they always seeing their friends over seeing you?” says Preece.

Money is another notable relationship boundary, as are sex and relationship agreements. Gabb states, “Do you believe in monogamy? If so, what constitutes a breach of trust? If someone feels their partner is really flirtatious, and that causes them to feel threatened, that [boundary] needs renegotiating.”

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While it’s a good idea to set some boundaries, some don’t work and can ultimately have a negative effect on one or both partners. These tend to be founded in control, when one person tries to restrict or command the actions of the other — and there are some definite red flags to look out for.

“Anything that limits a person’s options” is an unhealthy boundary, Preece explains. “It could be around time, the way they act, even the way they dress.” Crossing these lines, he adds, “can be dangerous.”

This is something Gabb agrees with.

“We shouldn’t confuse boundaries and control —– they’re not the same thing,” she says. “If someone feels a partner is putting up boundaries in a controlling way — ‘These are my boundaries, and this is what you must do’ — then there’s a problem with communication around boundaries being established.”

Boundaries also shouldn’t be implemented to try and change a partner.

“It’s not about trying to manipulate the negative stuff,” Preece states. “Accept them for who they are. If they’re not right and you’re not compatible, set them free to meet someone else.”

There are a variety of different ways you can go about setting boundaries. Here are four approaches to get you started:

Begin early

It’s much easier to introduce boundaries at the start of or earlier on in a relationship, rather than years down the road — especially once habits and routines have been established and both partners are more emotionally invested.

But if it’s a little late for that tip, don’t worry. Installing boundaries at any point is still better than imposing upon each other until it frays your bond completely.

Conversation is key

No matter how awkward you might feel talking about your emotions or bringing up trickier subjects, a two-way discussion is vital in boundary setting.

“Communication is key to relationships,” Gabb says, and “you do need to have [conversations], even if they’re really difficult things to talk about, like sex.”

Not only do these discussions help both partners understand the extent and rules of the boundary, but they provide an opportunity to explain why you value a particular boundary.

Plus, 2016 research suggests that couples who check in regularly and open up experience greater relationship satisfaction overall.

These conversations can also help nip concerns in the bud before they boil over into a full-blown argument.

They don’t need to happen every week, either, notes Gabb: “The important thing is that you’re communicating with each other and recognizing when you need to have that conversation.”

Use ‘I’ statements

As the old saying goes, it’s not what you say but how you say it — and this definitely applies to boundaries.

“I think all communication should start with ‘I feel,’” Gabb states. If you lead with superlative or accusatory statements (like “you always” or “you never”), then “you’re going to be hit with a brick wall of ‘That’s not what I think.’”

“Nobody wants to be criticized or rejected,” adds Preece.

And once those defensive barriers come up, it can be hard to get the conversation back on track. Treat others how you like to be treated, so aim to set boundaries with kindness.

Giving more specific examples can also help support your point and make it seem less of an overarching attack.

Examples of ‘I’ statements done the right way

I felt really ____ when this happened
I feel ___ when you
If feel like ___

‘I’ statements done incorrectly

I know that you ___
You made me ___
You always ___ to me or at me

It’s OK to ask for space

Whether you’re just starting out with a partner or have been with them for a while, it’s totally acceptable to desire —and ask for — some me time.

“It might be that you have a really demanding job, and you need half an hour of debrief time when you come home where you don’t talk,” Gabb says. “It’s about ‘This is what I need, how can we make it happen?’”

There’s a chance your partner might see this request as a form of rejection, so it’s important to take their feelings into account and explain this isn’t the case.

“Talk about why you need it and why it’s meaningful to you,” suggests Gabb. “Recognize how the other person may feel, and work with them [through] that.”

Having boundaries is an expected and healthy aspect of good relationships — so don’t be afraid to determine where they lie for yourself, for your partner, and as a couple.

Think of them as a framework rather than rigid guidelines.

“Nothing is set in stone. Everything is flexible, and every relationship is different,” Preece says — although it’s always important to remember you should “never do anything just to please someone else. Only do things you want to when you’re ready.”

Events can occur throughout your relationship that’ll cause boundaries to shift, notes Gabb, including:

having children
moving home
starting a new job
experiencing a loss

Ultimately, says Preece, it all comes down to how you handle these changes together: “You deal with it because you’re a team, and you respect each other’s side. ”

21 Examples Of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

No matter the nature of your relationship, setting boundaries is a critical component to maintaining a healthy connection with your partner.

Seeking a close partnership should not have to conflict with your needs.

Becoming one as a couple means holistically knowing yourself, understanding your personal and emotional needs, and being able to communicate them to your significant other effectively.

It isn’t always easy to understand what your boundary issues are and how to communicate them.

We’ve created a relationship boundaries list to help you on your path to a loving and healing cohabitation.

[Side note: In this online course, learn healthy communication skills and build the intimacy you’ve always wanted in your relationship.)

What’s In This Article:

[show]

What Are Healthy Boundaries in Relationships?

The health of your communication defines healthy relationships.

Understanding your partner’s boundaries will transform your ability to communicate and help nip issues in the bud before they overwhelm you.

Healthy boundaries are a reflection of your principles, rules, and guidelines that you have set for yourself. A break in those boundaries arises when your partner disrespects, ignores, or isn’t aware of those principles or personal needs.

Having a lack of boundaries can often lead to emotional manipulation from your significant other, whether or not it’s intentional.

You may have issues with saying no when someone asks you a favor, or you may dislike public displays of affection.

If so, you must speak up and communicate those needs to your partner.

Learn to recognize the signs that someone has crossed your boundaries.

These include feelings of anger, resentment, or guilt.

The conversation you have with our partner may be tough at first, but it might be the key to a happy relationship.

21 Examples of How To Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

There are many types of boundaries in relationships, as well as boundaries in a marriage that can establish better communication and intimacy.

Some conversations may be easier than others, but it’s better they occur with preparation rather than during the tense moments after an argument.

It may also be helpful to enlist a personal therapist or a couples therapist to discern where you most need them.

Examples of Emotional Boundaries To Set

1. Saying No

You may find it easier to sacrifice your own needs for your partner’s out of a fear of upsetting them.

However, if they ask something of you that goes against your principles, disrespects your time, or forces you to sacrifice something important, it’s okay to say no. It doesn’t have to be harsh, but learn to say it assertively.

2. Refusing to Take Blame

Sometimes your partner may place the blame on you out of hurt or guilt. This behavior does not mean their anger is your fault. Do not let them skirt responsibility by manipulating your emotions. Acknowledge their pain, let them know you are there for them but assert that you will not accept responsibility for their actions.

3. Expecting Respect

You deserve kindness and loving communication. If you feel your partner is speaking from unjustified anger or with a disrespectful tone, you are within your right to remove yourself from the scenario.

Let them know that if they want to have a conversation, it must come from a place of respect.

4. Dictating Your Own Feelings

When you’re part of a couple, opinions and emotions can feel blurred. Learn to decipher your feelings from your partner’s and their perception of your feelings. If they speak for you, correct them and kindly ask that they do not dictate your emotions for you.

5. Finding Your Identity Outside of the Relationship

Codependency can lead to a melding of identities. “I” becomes “we,” and the “you” gets lost in the mix. Remember that you are not just one half of a whole but your own person with passions, interests, and vibrant intelligence. It’s okay to have a sense of self separate from your partner.

6. Accepting Help

Some people are more independent and find difficulty relying on their partner in tough times. If you need help, it can be good to establish where your boundaries are and what you do and do not want help with.

You may ask for help with finances but need space when dealing with family issues. This balance can be a delicate tango, but open communication leads to a smoother rhythm.

7. Asking for Space

Sometimes we just need to be alone in emotional upheaval. In a relationship, it can seem like you never are. Asking for space may feel to your partner like you are pushing him or her away, even though that’s not your intention.

Alone time is perfectly healthy and a key to maintaining your own identity and sorting through your problems. If you aren’t clear about needing space, your partner might feel neglected or that you’re avoiding them. Establishing upfront that you like to spend time alone will help later on.

8. Communicating Discomfort

Whether your partner tells a hurtful joke or crosses a physical line, learning to articulate your discomfort clearly will help in setting your boundaries. Let them know what you will not tolerate, and plan a course of action if he or she crosses that boundary.

Phrases like “Please don’t do that, it makes me uncomfortable” or “I don’t like it when you ( ex: use that word, touch me there, use that tone)” are clear and concise.

9. Sharing Mutually

It’s okay to take things slowly at the beginning of a relationship. Don’t feel pressured to share everything upfront or feel you have to share first for your significant other to open up. Vulnerability should be mutual, with both partners checking in and creating a safe space for sharing.

10. Sticking Up for Yourself

In an argument, you or your partner may say things you regret that are mean or ugly. Establish that you won’t accept him or her speaking to you that way. You have intrinsic worth and deserve to be spoken to kindly. Make it known that you need an apology and that you need your partner to acknowledge the hurt their words have caused.

11. Choosing to be Vulnerable

Vulnerability should not be demanded. Of course, it is an important component of a healthy relationship, but you should never feel pressured to open up about a difficult topic in any stage of your relationship.

You share your feelings and experiences on your terms. You should feel safe to communicate that you may need time to discuss specific topics or memories.

More Related Articles:

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21 Bare Minimum Expectations You Should Have In a Partnered Relationship

Examples of Personal Boundaries

12. Your Right to Privacy

There are many different levels of privacy. You may share a home computer, but keep your email password to yourself. This choice is reasonable. Your belongings, thoughts, texts, journal entries, and even topics as big as past relationships or traumas are yours to share or not share at your discretion. Infringement on those boundaries is not acceptable.

13. The Ability to Change Your Mind

Your choices are your decision, as is the option to make a new one. If you change your mind, your partner should not make you feel guilty for it. Be clear with your reasoning or simply state that you decided to change your mind. Of course, being open is important, but it should happen on your terms.

14. Your Right to Your Own Time

You get to dictate where and with whom you spend your time, alone or apart. Maybe you don’t love going to Monday night football. Establish that Monday nights are your alone time or your weekly wine night with your pals. Perhaps you need to be by yourself for a few days after a big fight; you are within your right to ask for that.

15. The Need to Handle Negative Energy

A personal boundary can also be one that you set for your own behavior. It is important to navigate unhealthy anger and resentment so you aren’t bringing negative energy into a shared space.

If you can’t let it out on your own, ask for help. Share your negative emotions and lighten those toxic feelings by being honest about your mood.

16. The Freedom to Express Sexual Boundaries

The beginnings of physical intimacy with a new partner is an exciting time, but navigating personal boundaries in sex can be awkward or even scary. Openly communicating your needs or discomforts is essential, though finding the words can be tricky.

Remember that every step you take requires enthusiastic consent from your partner, and you should never feel pressured into anything. Talk with each other regularly. Share fantasies and discuss boundaries. Honesty and vulnerability are powerful.

17. The Freedom to Express Spiritual Boundaries

Your beliefs are your own, no matter how much you may or may not have in common with your partner in terms of spirituality or religion. You and your significant other should respect each other’s beliefs, foster and encourage each other’s spiritual growth, and be open to learning about the other’s culture or faith.

18. The Right to Remain True to Your Principles

Set a boundary with yourself that your principles remain in place no matter who you are dating. Of course, you can change your mind as your conversations with your partner open new doors to new ideas. But you shouldn’t feel pressured to adopt his or her stances out of fear of upsetting them.

19. The Ability to Communicate Physical Needs

Learn to communicate what your body needs. Are you a vegetarian and don’t want meat in the house? Are you an early riser who needs to be in bed before 10:00 pm? Then make sure your partner respects your physical needs by not making loud noises or watching TV late into the evening.

On the other hand, learn about your significant other’s boundaries. If they prefer a later bedtime, work out an arrangement rather than pressuring them to go to sleep before their biological clock allows them to.

20. Your Right to Your Material Possessions

Deciding what to share and what to keep for yourself is never an easy task. Some couples open joint bank accounts, while others forego that for financial independence. Material and financial boundaries are commonplace in every relationship.

21. Your Ability to Manage Your Own Time

Another relationship boundary to set for yourself is learning to manage your time in a way that doesn’t disrespect your significant other’s.

When you’re single, you can put off doing the dishes as long as you want. However, in a relationship, your time is not just your own. If you agree to date at 8:00 pm, it’s essential to stick to your word.

That means learning to manage your time respectfully, even when you’re alone.

How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

It’s one thing to know what your boundaries are, but it’s a whole different ball game to establish them, especially if that means unlearning bad habits. Try to avoid reactionary anger when setting boundaries.

We often don’t know what our boundaries are until someone crosses them. However, there are better ways to communicate to your partner what they are.

Here are some thoughts on establishing your boundaries in a relationship:

Find a Calm Moment: If your partner crosses a boundary, work through your anger first in a safe and healthy way. Take time to yourself, and write down what disturbed you. Define the boundary and wait until a peaceful moment to have a conversation.
Be Assertive: State your boundaries clearly and effectively. Make it known that you will not tolerate that boundary being crossed and why it bothers you.
Be Loving: Don’t threaten your partner or speak out of anger. Let him or her know that you are setting your boundaries out of trust and love for them and yourself.
Reciprocate: Be sure to ask your partner what boundaries they need to establish and do your best to honor them. Model the behavior you want to see in your partner.

How will you set boundaries in your relationship?

It may be scary to be vulnerable and admit what you need from your significant other, but you know yourself and what you need better than anyone else.

A loving partner, the partner you deserve, will respect and value the boundaries you have set.

Ultimately, you will find yourselves closer than ever. Showing your loved one that you are willing to set boundaries will help them share their boundaries with you. It may take time and hard work, but the best things always do.

I'm in the house: how to set boundaries correctly

Personal boundaries are a line that runs between individuals, the people around them and larger social systems. They are needed so that we can clearly feel: where I am, and where I am not; where are my own emotions, actions, beliefs and thoughts, and where are others. And if these emotions and thoughts are mine, then I am responsible for them and control them. Borders also protect our inner world from outside encroachment.

They may look like a five-meter stone fence with barbed wire and machine gunners on the towers. Or they may be absent altogether - all the doors will be wide open. Boundaries can change depending on the context and environment, become solid for some people and completely blurred for others.

Personal boundaries can be opened for "import", when we gladly accept other people's help, resources, time, money, etc., or for "export" - our own resources. We usually import what we especially need, and we export either what we have in abundance, or what we hope to get a good price for.

Boundaries are needed to mark two important questions:

1. What do I consider my property (and, accordingly, I will protect)?

2. What am I responsible for (and will try to control)?

Boundary checking

How does this manifest itself in specific behavior? There are people for whom property boundaries can be very arbitrary. Such a person does not consider anything his own, inviolable, he "does not become attached to things." He cannot close himself in his room because he considers it impolite. Such people cannot refuse help or money, even realizing that this money will not come back. Their borders are always open for imports, it is important for them that people see them as kind, generous and open. It's a way to build relationships. Sometimes they even think that having nothing of their own is safer.

The opposite type is people whose boundaries are too wide. They consider everything their property - wife, children, employees, office or apartment space, other people's things and time. They do not see other people's boundaries and do not consider it necessary to observe them. Wherever such a person is, there is always “too much” of him, he captures the space around him. And if he was not given something in a good way, he can take it away "in a bad way. "

Two "extreme" types also exist in relation to responsibility. There are people who take on too much, trying to control what is beyond their control. Such a wife thinks that her husband yelled at her because she did not have time to set the table on time or did not clean up well enough. People agree with every charge brought against them. The logic is this: if I tried better (guessed other people's desires and did everything right), then this would magically change those around me, make them happy and loving. People with such a strategy of thinking lack recognition and praise, they are ready to do everything to get this simple currency.

The other extreme is characters who are not ready to take responsibility not only for others, but also for themselves. They do not see their contribution to the development of conflict situations, do not accept criticism and try to avoid any obligations. If you entrust them with a project, they will either require a partner or will come running every half hour with questions and clarifications so that the responsibility does not lie with them (or at least not with them alone). Men with a fear of responsibility are almost elusive for marital or paternal obligations. They consider them a violation of their boundaries, because the family will force them to change their usual way of life.

Border Guard Day

How to define your borders and protect them? Unfortunately, you cannot put up pegs and notify others that “this half a meter of land around me is my territory, do not enter without knocking.” Although, in fact, this is exactly what young ladies with long puffy skirts did in the old days.

In my trainings I often do a simple exercise. I ask a person to designate a limit invisible to others, and I begin to slowly approach it - step by step. The task of the participant is to make it clear without words that I am already close to the point that I do not need to cross. The reaction is very different. Someone is very calm at first and only at the last moment begins to frown. Someone, on the contrary, from my first step “gets into a pose” and puts on “boxing gloves”. Very polite people let me close, with a bewildered smile on their face. And only then it turns out that I have long passed the intended border. There was also such an “intelligent” reaction: when a person understands that I am not going to stop and provoke him to more obvious actions, he himself takes a step back, leaving his integrity stable. But in order to stay at a safe distance from me, he has to give up his territory.

I don't know how you would react in this exercise. Think about it.

You can defend your borders in different ways in different situations. The ability to say "no" (without the subsequent sprinkling of ashes on the head!) Is an important personality skill. It is necessary for those who easily succumb to pressure, aggression and other "honest ways of taking money."

The ability to create and protect one's own boundaries, of course, is formed even by parents. But over the course of life (and with different people), boundaries can change many times. Teenagers, for example, protect them militantly, they need this life period in order to separate from their parents and learn to build their own lives on their own, to respect themselves. And couples in love sometimes completely dissolve in each other, and only then they begin to notice that it has become crowded. If you do not revise the rules of interaction in time, do not outline the circle of your interests, then the couple comes to a crisis or even breaks up.

Like any other skill, the ability to see and respect one's own and others' boundaries may well be mastered at a later period of time.

How to defend your territory

How do you react to a yelling boss? Do you get nervous before public speaking? Are you able to refuse requests from loved ones if they are inconvenient for you? Do children have the right to disagree with you, to close in their room? How do you feel when your spouse (or best friend) said something “wrong”? Do you want to suggest, correct, give a cuff, shame, do you think that the actions of loved ones “dishonor your reputation”?

The skill of respecting other people's boundaries is, first of all, allowing other people to be different from you. A good aphorism caught my eye recently: “Selfishness is not when you do what you want. This is when you are sure that others should do what YOU want. When you want to "do good" to someone - that is, to help, give advice, stand up for someone, correct the situation - pause and look around. Does this violate someone's interests, does it plunge your counterpart into a position of helplessness and dependence? Have you been asked for this help? Does the person really need this kind of help?

The main feature of "healthy" boundaries is their flexibility.

If you know how to move away from situations that are dangerous or unpleasant for you (if not physically, then at least emotionally!),

If you can, depending on the situation, open up for the "import" and "export" of resources, adequately use the words “yes” and “no”,

if you find it comfortable and safe to get close to the people you choose,

if you are able to consider both your own interests and the interests of others,

then your relationships with people become much more simple, honest and pleasant.

About merging and separating borders

Evolution (Marina Komisarova) has the tag "Borders" in LiveJournal, where you can read a lot of valuable information.

But it's quite difficult to find posts on the topic of border separation and merging. In total, according to my approximate estimates, she now has about 3 thousand posts and analysis of letters. Therefore, I decided to make this narrower selection, dividing it into thematic blocks - what I could find and highlight.

- from the instagram of evolution

00 9000

Boundary Exercise

Gaining Strength Boundary Exercise Wings

Boundary Work

Boundary Defense
Marriage Boundary Defense
- "How to defend the borders"
- "Difficulties in defending the borders"
- "Finding yourself"
- "Weak" borders
- "How to fix the "weak" borders?
- “Weak borders and the problem of choice”
- “Ethics and borders”
- “Disassembling”
- “How infantiles work on the boundaries”

- “ The Secret of Balance"
- "Balance Guarantee"
- "Seven Troubles - One Answer"
- "Borders and power"
- "Relationships of people with bad boundaries"
- "Mistakes of the lieutenant's wife"
- "Separation in everyday life. Part-1 ”
-“ Division of the territories ”
-“ Close the LAZ ”

borders and charm

-“ The Secret of Charm ”
-“ Secret of charm ”

9000 9000 9000
borders and self-esteem

- "Leaky boundaries and self-loathing"

Merge

- "Appropriation"
- "Fusion of boundaries"
- "About fusion"
- "Stages of fusion of boundaries"
- "Mergence and proximity"
- "Mergence and balance"
- "About love-fusion"
- “Married merger”
- “Formation and Minus”
- “Curiosity”
- “About empathy”
- “Suitable or not suitable”

stickiness

- “stickiness”
- “LIKED balls"
- "Three degrees of stickiness"
- "Sticky people"
- "Bugs of sticky people"
- "Hunger for love"
- "Superglue Girls"
- "How to reduce stickiness"
- "Bug fixes against stickiness"
- "Active, but unobtrusive"
- "What is the difference between activity and obsession? »

Jealousy

- “Jealousy and Border”
- more by the tag “Jealousy”

borders and parents, children

- “Hell with parents”
- “Resulting for parents”
- “ Sadistic parents”
— more by tag “Parents”

-“Borders of the child”
-“Parents-STURMANS”
-more by the tag “children”

“Bad we”

-“We”
-“ONAS”

Practice

- "Boundary tasks"
- "The game of boundaries"
- "A game of adjustment"

Boundaries and victim, resentment Resentment”
— “How harmful hatred and resentment are and how to do without them”

Boundaries in speech

- "The power of words"
- "Egocentric speech"
- "Holes in boundaries. Sieve stage
— Dialogue within boundaries
— Sieve boundaries
— Sieve and thresholds
— Dialogue and sieve

Anything related to bad borders:

- A selection of Evolution articles about border bugs (Navigator, Krivlyaka, Upstart, Justification, Bloodhound, Teacher, Student and others).

- A selection of articles on external and internal locus of control

- Collection of articles about crowns

- Collection of articles about torture instruments

A few quotes about boundaries from the above Evolution quotes:

“The most difficult, but also the most basic point in all respects is the division of boundaries.

If you understand it and start applying it, there will be no problems in relationships.

In the meantime, it doesn't work out, there is a feeling that the tasks are unsolvable. And in life, problems are almost unsolvable, and in my blog any answer to the problem is incorrect. It's like I'm making fun of you on purpose.

Some people sincerely think that "whatever you say is wrong." But this happens when, when solving relationship problems (both in a blog and in life), you are trying to choose between your interests and the interests of another person. And the division of borders is the consideration of both interests at the same time.

If you look only at your own interests, and do not take into account the interests of a person, then you objectify him, depersonalize him, and this is a merging of boundaries. The subject is you, and the second indifferent object in your field, which must submit to your interests or disappear.

“The concept of boundaries is such an empty phrase for most people that I wouldn't be surprised if many readers get bored with the combination of the words “separate boundaries”. In other places, posts are read more lively, and as soon as the reader’s eye reaches the point of “dividing the boundaries,” yawning overcomes. Failure in perception and failure of the brain to process this information.

I see this in the very structure of requests in countless letters to the rubric.

99% of requests can be translated as follows: how to make the other person behave the way I need?

Here are your problems, dear readers. All these problems of yours can be combined into one: how to make someone else's will obey mine?

How to reign over others while the orderlies do not see?

33 women and several men wrote me letters under the heading about the crown on the horns, or rather, they did not reflect on the crown, they only ask the horns, but how to make the partner compensate for the betrayal?

No way.

Or here are the countless letters that we parse: he does not want to get married, what to do?

No way.

He wants to leave, how can I stop him? No way.

How to stop being just a friend to her and become a lover? No way.

How to keep a child's father who does not want to stay in the family? No way.

How to dissuade a mother from coming in with her advice? No way.

The answer to all these questions is the same: no way.

You can't force another, you can't force it, you can't oblige it. All such attempts are tongs that reduce your significance, harm you.

Another person either wants to or not. You can only do something with yourself, but not with others.

This is the division of the border.

Within your boundaries - what you can do with yourself, with yours, on your own, at your place.

Define this part, outline it for yourself, and don't push your limits. This will be the same thing - to divide the borders.

“The magic circle of boundaries is what protects you from your demons.

You - from your demons, in other words - from your border bugs.

Not from some bad people, not from some aggressive demons, in the form of other personalities or situations, the circle of boundaries protects you.

From your bugs, and from your crowns. Crowns grow to help bugs.

To form good boundaries is to clearly see your real (not potential, existing) rights, that is, your opportunities, your levers, your sphere of influence. To expand these real possibilities, while remaining within the protective circle of boundaries, without going beyond it, is to act within the boundaries.

And provoke, tempt, attack you with your own bugs.

Not strangers!

Yours.”

“Many people think that first you need to level up, and then you can fix your locus of control. That if you have few supports of your own, you are forced to rely on others.

And this is a fairy tale "There was a bast on the stake, start over."

Until you have adjusted your Locus of Control, you cannot upgrade any of your supports. That is, pumping begins with the fact that you must correct the locus of control. More precisely, you need to do it at the same time: fix the locus and download the resource, because if you just fix it and sit, then you didn’t fix the locus, but something else. If you do nothing, there is nothing to control. Locus of control can only be corrected in the process of activity. But if it is not corrected, the activity will not be in your favor, but in favor of those who have your locus, and most likely - just into a black hole.

The same goes for borders. Many write that you first need to become independent, and then it will be possible to divide the borders. No, first you need to divide the borders, then some kind of independence will begin.

Boundary fusion is, for the most part, a setup. This is the same ego setting as the locus of control. Boundaries are associated with a locus. By and large, they are one and the same. Rely on yourself, see where you end up, do not merge borders with anyone, share.

“Borders are good and bad.

Hard boundaries are good and bad, soft boundaries are also good and bad.

Good boundaries are when a person, when interacting with other people, correctly determines his legal field: he acts within his own boundaries, that is, on the territory that is objectively his, and not subjectively in his distorted imagination.

The boundaries of the egocentric extend to the whole world: everything he likes belongs to him. "I want - I take" remember? Infantile formula. Maximum: "I want - I ask." To ask is to assume that the thing does not belong to you, but also to assume that its owner is interested in pleasing you, giving you everything you want, regardless of your own interests.

Another kind of bad boundaries are neurotic ones. A person with such boundaries does not feel his rights to what belongs to him: to his body, to his time, to his money. He lives in a world where everything is in common and anyone who is stronger or vice versa weaker (and needs more) has the right to take what he wants from him. And it's better to give it to him before they nailed it. Or simply not condemned, not exiled for such greed and immorality. This is the world in which the neurotic lives.

A neurotic is a slightly matured egocentric who has already realized that he is not alone in this world, there are other people, but decided that all these people are more important and stronger than him, and it is better for him to hide in a corner before they devour him. A neurotic is an infantile who is stuck along the path of growing up at the very first turn, who has not passed the initiation of growing up, who has not gained strength.

« What are bad boundaries?

These are the boundaries that let you down all the time, all the time turning the situation of communication or relationships against you.

At work, at home, with friends, with loved ones.

It happens that in one area of the border you have better, in another worse, it depends on the significance of the sphere and the pumping of the resource.

Almost always, when you complain about the bad boundaries of the other side, the problem is in your boundaries.

If you have good boundaries, you won't be bothered by other people's bad boundaries."

“Good boundaries allow a person to NOT DO EXTRA.

People with bad boundaries do too much all the time. Extra just for yourself!”

"What does it mean to 'do nothing'?

This means:

- do not say too much, speak to the point,

- do not make unnecessary movements, act effectively,

- do not think too much, for example, do not get into another's head, do not go into your own business.

Some people think that a person who takes all these things into account will lose their spontaneity and turn into a robot.

Yes, if the boundaries are very bad.

If the boundaries are bad, a person is constantly tempted to blurt out something harmful to himself, to say something that he will later regret that will be used against him, he cannot stop the dialogue when he goes downstairs, cannot but answer a single message, even if it is SMS spam or trolling. The spontaneity of such a person flows into leaky boundaries, he responds to any question and throws out everything he thinks, he cannot come off until the other side throws him out of the dialogue herself. And if such a person begins to "follow the market", he really feels like a robot. Leaky boundaries require incredible efforts for self-control, every impulse has to be stopped and checked for “is it good for me?” "Do I need it?" Spontaneity is lost."

“The secret of personal boundaries is that no one can pierce your boundaries except yourself.

As long as you stay within the boundaries, you are invulnerable to personal power.

You are physically vulnerable to some extent, you can be attacked with a knife. But even the risk of being physically attacked is reduced if you have enough personal power. You feel confident, calm, do not feel the need to get drunk and wander around dubious places, where the risk that you will be attacked is much greater. You do not associate with dubious personalities, you quickly sense any threat and warn it. Therefore, although you do not become completely invulnerable, your vulnerability is reduced significantly.

Personal strength, accumulated, allows you to have a powerful personal framework and provide yourself with the best adaptation. You've probably seen this in superhero movies. But it's the same in real life, albeit not on the same scale.

And in order to maintain personal strength, it is necessary to be able to keep within the boundaries.”

“It seems that many have understood, and some have understood before, that good boundaries are strength.

Not only your safety, but also your strength . You are not only invulnerable, but your energy is also accumulated, because it does not merge, which means you become stronger. Your magnetism is greater and influence."

“Three stages can be described in the work on the boundaries (this is how a fisherman is made from a fish, and an adult person is made from an infantile in other resources).

1. Awareness that other people are selfish.

2. The realization that the selfishness of others is normal for people.

3. Giving up your own selfishness for the sake of growth.”

“Let's talk a little about 'border protection'.

Because no matter how much I write that it is not necessary to defend our borders, many remain skeptical.

Well, how is it not necessary? But how?

Here is the girl from yesterday's letter about her annoying husband.

She thought and still thinks that her husband is pushing her boundaries with his calls. She is in a hurry, and he calls and makes her nervous. Phone calls invade her personal, as it seems to her, space and prevent her from calmly gathering. Therefore, it is necessary to defend the borders somehow, if not with a lance, then with a rolling pin, but you can’t just endure it.

Or the girl from today's letter. The guy promised to wear a condom, but he didn't, and she had to throw a tantrum to protect her boundaries.

Without “border protection”, many feel defenseless, left to be devoured, and do not believe me that it is not necessary to defend borders.

Let's look at where the need for border protection comes from.”

“Many say the phrase “relationships need to be built”, but do not understand what it is about.

It's really about setting boundaries in a relationship.

Some people think that a person first goes into a minus and therefore fills up his boundaries. In fact, this happens simultaneously, minus - this is the drain of one's territory to another, the gradual transfer of rights. Thanks to the littered boundaries, a person goes into the minus more and more, and his partner goes into the plus, that is, he grows cold towards him, loses respect, and with him attraction. The more the plus is burdened by the minus, the more it shifts the boundaries in its favor.

“The only effective way to protect your boundaries in close relationships is to keep your distance.

You must take a step towards (and investment) in case of good behavior with your partner, a step back in case of bad behavior. This is the only way to build boundaries and nothing else.

Distancing can be different, depending on the severity of your partner's violation of your interests.

There are three main types of social distancing.

1. Rejection of the channel of communication.

2. Exit from the space of communication.

3. Leaving a relationship.

I will now tell you more about these three species.”

« People who really want everyone to like them have the worst personal boundaries . They don't notice transitions until they stop, because they feel dismay when they realize that their boundaries are being crossed. What to do? Give away? So after all, they will take and take until everyone is taken away! Refuse? They will be offended, turn their backs, tell others what a greedy and arrogant cracker you are! So these people rush about, then close their eyes, then hesitate, make excuses, sometimes even run away and hide in order not to make a difficult choice. You have probably seen cases when a person promises help to another, and then disappears by turning off the phone. I couldn’t say “no”, but I didn’t want to do it either, because I thought that they would play him and they wouldn’t even notice, they wouldn’t compensate him with anything.

Usually people have those whom they especially want to like, and with them their boundaries are constantly floating, they are diffuse. The more you like a person, the more diffuse the boundaries. With the most beloved, there are no boundaries at all. And hence, often a special aggression towards loved ones, when they lose their shores (in our subjective perception).

What is the reason for aggression in defending one's borders? With the fact that a person notices the offender too late to politely refuse him. He notices not on the threshold, but when the guest entered the house (as in the above article). Now you can’t gently slip away from him, now you have to rudely expel him. He is already inside the territory, he has got used to it, and an attempt to expel him can result in a real scandal.

Often a person shows strong aggression when he has already invested, he has already been somehow raped, or his investments were lured out by manipulation, or he himself gave, hoping for other conditions. In general, it suddenly turned out that he was wasting his strength, time, attention on someone who did not deserve all this. And now it is important for him not only to fence himself off, but also to scold the second one, pour out the defensive aggression that has arisen in order to at least indicate what was lost, to emphasize that he considers this unfair to himself. Aggression acts as a way to restore justice, at least symbolically, if one cannot return one's own.

“Many people believe that good personal boundaries are the ability to refuse, which some do not have due to too good upbringing.

Say, there are super-delicate people who don't know how to refuse, because they are very polite. And as if it is necessary to teach these too soft and open people to be tougher. And to teach them to be tougher, you need to explain to them that they have every right to defend themselves. And then these nice people will learn to fight back boors.

What is the harm of this myth?”

« If an infantile decides to work on a relationship, then he starts with a partner. He explains to the partner how to work on relationships.

He says: "We need to work on relationships together, so let's work too, and I'll tell you how." "And who are you? the partner asks. “Why are you going to tell me how and what to work on?” "Oh, I'm nobody?" - the infantile asks and starts throwing things or throwing himself in different directions and hysteria until the partner gets scared and promises him to work on the relationship. Pulled out with tongs is worthless, the partner is looking for a reason to get rid of all the promises made under the tongs.

This is how relationship work looks like for all infantiles.

No less interesting is the work of infantiles on the borders.

The infantile does not even think of moving away from the partner's borders, but he begins to drive him away from his own. "Mai borders!" shouts the infantile and fights for the rights, forcing the partner to provide all these rights. As a result, it does not just stick, but completely merges with the partner. He appropriates it with giblets, and the partner, of course, rebels. See what it looks like.

For example, a couple lives in a rotten default. The husband comes, eats what his wife has cooked, then pokes at gadgets, then demands sex, but does not care about his wife's orgasm, then falls asleep and snores loudly. And the wife decides to “separate the borders.”

“Talking onas is most often diarrhea or its symptoms.

This is how a sieve happens to people with a merger of boundaries, when they think out loud and not just think, but analyze the partner’s behavior out loud, right in front of this partner, so that he participates in a discussion of himself or just shakes his mustache, and diarrhea.

Unlike a simple sieve, diarrhea is when a person is carried through all rapids and gullies, when a great need spills out of all borders, along with poisons and toxins, directly onto a partner.

If something that a person does not want to digest on his own falls out through a sieve, then diarrhea is a breakthrough of the bottom.

Why is onas always almost bad?

Because you are talking about us with someone who is an essential part of these us, most often their main part, the leading one.

And you alienate it from him and talk to him as if it were yours.

The real helmsman of the relationship is the second one, you are dependent on him and therefore unhappy, but instead of trying to take a better position in the relationship, you just pour out your discontent, pour out your poison and expect it to change course.

You talk as if you are the owner of it, and the second one was created to fulfill your desires.

“Resentment becomes destructive only for those people who get stuck in it.

And people get stuck in resentment for only one reason: they do not want to leave the merger, they want to receive compensation and stay in the merger further.

This is the only reason for getting stuck in resentment.

Even if 's desire to be compensated and stay in the merger is disguised as something else, it's still it.

An offended person cannot just break off the connection, it seems to him that he will then remain deprived, robbed. He wants to receive compensation, he wants to extract or knock out of the offender what he did not give him and offended, he wants to make him repent and compensate for the damage.

This is where complaints arise: “I really want to forgive, but I can’t.”

“People with bad boundaries have constant verbal incontinence.

And at the right moment they don't know what to say. They are frightened silent or bleat something.

Verbal diarrhea and verbal impasse are the consequences of poor boundaries, but there is no better way to work on boundaries than to "follow the market".

Just as some women look after and look after their faces, and men take care of their beards, so borders must be looked after and looked after.

Then they get better with time. And then even better. And the best thing is that they never grow old and never turn gray.

Moreover, even wrinkles on the face and gray hairs in the beard give nobility and breed, good borders.

When you were born, you didn't have a breed, but thanks to good borders there will be, and what else.

A person with good boundaries is not necessarily silent.

He can be talkative if appropriate, but his speech is free from borderline bugs.

Bugs are attacks on foreign territory and draining one's own.
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