What people think of u
How to Stop Caring What Other People Think of You
How to Build a Life
Our fears about what other people think of us are overblown and rarely worth fretting over.
By Arthur C. BrooksJan Buchczik“How to Build a Life” is a weekly column by Arthur Brooks, tackling questions of meaning and happiness. Click here to listen to his new podcast series on all things happiness, How to Build a Happy Life.
A friend of mine once shared what I considered a bit of unadulterated wisdom: “If I wouldn’t invite someone into my house, I shouldn’t let them into my head.” But that’s easier said than done. Social media has opened up our heads so that just about any trespasser can wander in. If you tweet whatever crosses your mind about a celebrity, it could quite possibly reach the phone in her hand as she sits on her couch in her house.
The real problem isn’t technology—it’s human nature. We are wired to care about what others think of us. As the Roman Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius observed almost 2,000 years ago, “We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own,” whether they are friends, strangers, or enemies.
This tendency may be natural, but it can drive us around the bend if we let it. If we were perfectly logical beings, we would understand that our fears about what other people think are overblown and rarely worth fretting over. But many of us have been indulging this bad habit for as long as we can remember, so we need to take deliberate steps to change our minds.
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Paying attention to the opinions of others is understandable and, to a certain extent, rational. As the philosopher Richard Foley argues in his book Intellectual Trust in Oneself and Others, you trust your own opinions; your opinions are saturated with and shaped by those of others who are similar to you; therefore, you trust their opinions as well, whether you want to or not.
Thus, if one of your co-workers says, “Squid Game is really great,” your opinion of the show will probably rise, at least a little bit.
Other people’s influence on your opinions about the world pales in comparison to their influence on your opinion of yourself. Evolution neatly explains why: For virtually all of human history, humans’ survival depended on membership in close-knit clans and tribes. Before the modern structures of civilization, such as police and supermarkets, being cast out from your group meant certain death from cold, starvation, or predators. This can easily explain why our sense of well-being includes others’ approbation, as well as why the human brain has evolved to activate the same neural substrates when we experience physical pain and when we face social rejection.
Unfortunately, the instinct to want the approval of others is woefully maladapted to modern life. Where once you would have justifiably felt the terror of being expelled onto the frozen tundra, today you might suffer acute anxiety that strangers online will “cancel” you for an ill-considered remark, or passersby will snap a photo of a poor outfit choice and mock it on Instagram for all to see.
In the worst cases, anxiety about the approval of others can blow up into a debilitating fear, a diagnosable psychological condition called “allodoxaphobia.” Even if it doesn’t become a mental illness, worrying about the opinions of others can lower your basic competence in ordinary tasks, such as making decisions. When you are thinking about what to do in a particular situation—say, whether to speak up in a group—a network in your brain that psychologists call the “behavioral inhibition system” (BIS) is naturally activated, which allows you to assess the situation and decide how to act (with a particular focus on the costs of acting inappropriately). When you have enough situational awareness, the BIS is deactivated and the “behavioral activation system” (BAS), which focuses on rewards, kicks in. But research from 2013 shows that concern about the opinions of others can keep BIS active, impairing your ability to take action. If you always leave an interaction kicking yourself over what you should have said—but didn’t—it may indicate that you are being unduly influenced by concern over what others think.
One reason we fear others’ opinions is because negative assessments can lead to shame, which is the feeling of being deemed worthless, incompetent, dishonorable, or immoral—and thus, given the weight we place on others’ opinions, feeling this way about ourselves. Fearing shame makes sense, because research clearly shows that feeling it is both a symptom of and a trigger for depression and anxiety. People will go to a lot of effort to avoid shame, which can explain behaviors such as virtue signaling on social media and giving money to strangers.
Just because our overconcern for other people’s opinions of us is natural doesn’t mean that it’s inevitable. The right goal for flourishing is not a complete disregard for the opinions of others. That would be abnormal and dangerous; this tendency could lead to “hubris syndrome” or even be evidence of antisocial personality disorder. But many of us could become better off if we learned to care a good deal less than we do. I recommend taking three steps.
1. Remind yourself that
no one cares.The ironic thing about feeling bad about ourselves because of what people might think of us is that others actually have much fewer opinions about us—positive or negative—than we imagine. Studies show that we consistently overestimate how much people think about us and our failings, leading us to undue inhibition and worse quality of life. Perhaps your followers or neighbors would have a lower opinion of you if they were thinking about you—but they probably aren’t. Next time you feel self-conscious, notice that you are thinking about yourself. You can safely assume that everyone around you is doing more or less the same.
2. Rebel against your shame.
Because a fear of shame is frequently what lurks behind an excessive interest in others’ opinions, we should confront our shame directly. Sometimes a bit of shame is healthy and warranted, such as when we say something hurtful to another person out of spite or impatience.
But often it is frankly ridiculous, such as being ashamed for, say, accidentally leaving your fly unzipped.
Several years ago, I was nearing the end of my first 90-minute graduate class of the year and realized I had given the entire lecture with my fly unzipped. There was absolutely no chance that anyone hadn’t noticed. Afterward, I realized something odd: I felt liberated—not liberated to do it again, obviously, but from the fear of what might happen if I accidentally did something terribly embarrassing in class. After the fly incident, I couldn’t imagine anything worse happening, and as a result I relaxed and had a great semester. I am not recommending that you walk around with your fly down on purpose. But ask yourself: What am I hiding that I’m a little embarrassed about? Resolve not to hide it anymore, and decimate the useless shame holding you back.
3. Stop judging others.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged,” Jesus taught. “Whoever judges others digs a pit for themselves,” the Buddha said.
Maybe you think you’ll face God’s punishment or karmic justice for holding harsh opinions of others, but these lessons are just as important while we’re on Earth. To judge others is to acknowledge a belief that people can, in fact, legitimately judge one another; thus, it is an implicit acceptance of others’ judgment of you.
The way to free yourself from this belief is to stop judging others, and, when you accidentally do so, to remind yourself that you might well be wrong. Try this experiment: Set a day in the coming week when you resolve to judge nothing, and instead merely observe. Instead of “This rain is terrible,” say, “It is raining.” Instead of “That guy who cut me off in traffic is a jerk,” say, “That guy must be in a hurry.” It will be difficult, but strangely refreshing. You will have relieved yourself of the burden of constant judging—and thus be less worried about getting judged.
In the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu wrote, “Care about people’s approval / and you will be their prisoner.
” He no doubt intended it as a dire warning. But as the years have passed, I have come to interpret it as more of a promise and an opportunity.
I have learned that the prison of others’ approval is actually one built by me, maintained by me, and guarded by me. This has led me to my own complementary verse to Lao Tzu’s original: “Disregard what others think and the prison door will swing open.” If you are stuck in the prison of shame and judgment, remember that you hold the key to your own freedom.
Soothe Your Worries of What Others Think of You I Psych Central
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It’s natural to want others to like and respect us, but worrying too much about thoughts others hold about you could injure your mental health.
Have you ever lay in bed at night and recalled that time in eighth grade when you said “orgasm” instead of “organism” while reading aloud in class? Us, too.
OK, so maybe you didn’t have that exact experience, but you know what we mean.
Chances are your classmates have zero recollection of that middle school moment, your colleagues already forgot you left your mic on during the morning Zoom meeting, and your friends didn’t think that bold outfit from Friday night was too over-the-top.
And yet, we still spend untold energy worrying about how other people perceive us. Any amount of praise is immediately overshadowed by one piece of criticism.
There’s no use in acting like we don’t care at all about what others think because it’s just not true. But there are ways to lessen the burden and not let their opinions hurt your mental health.
Just like most other seemingly pointless traits we humans have, caring what other people think of us is an evolutionary adaptation.
According to the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, joining a group or tribe and being accepted by others was critical to survival.
Even though today we might not need tribes to survive, we do need other people for stimulation and companionship. Humans are social animals, so placing weight on others’ opinions of you is entirely natural and largely unavoidable.
One brain imaging study showed biophysical reactions – chemical responses in the brain – to positive and negative feedback from others. Fear of negative evaluation is especially strong for people who have social anxiety.
People with low self-esteem and those who grew up without emotional support are also more likely to care too much what other people think of them.
In some cases, putting too much time and energy into worrying what other people think can be harmful to your self-image and mental health.
Taking others’ opinions as truth can lead to a vicious cycle of insecurity and vulnerability.
But caring about how our actions impact people around us also plays a crucial role in maintaining meaningful relationships.
You’d care if you were unwittingly causing harm to a friend or family member.
Although it might cause temporary distress, adjusting your actions to remedy the relationship is ultimately worthwhile.
In this way, caring what people think isn’t always unhelpful.
Of course, things can get out of hand. Listening to our friends’ concerns is different than worrying about every little thing someone thinks of us.
Here are some indicators that the opinions of others might be harmful to you and your mental health:
- You change yourself in response to criticism, regardless of what it is and who it comes from.
- You let other people make decisions for you.
- You don’t set or maintain boundaries.
- You’re a perfectionist.
- You hold your tongue if your opinion differs from everyone else’s.
- Your peace of mind relies on approval from others.
- You’re constantly apologizing, even when you did nothing wrong.
- You rarely say “no.”
So, how can you get unstuck from worrying about how others perceive you? Here are some tips you can try.
Expect and accept that people will have opinions of you
There’s no use in trying to avoid any and all judgment – it’s simply impossible. For better or worse, assessing other people is a natural part of social interaction.
So, prepare yourself ahead of time for people to have their opinions.
A simple mental reminder that others will have perceptions of you – even some that may be inaccurate – can help you let incoming critiques roll off your back.
Take back control over your own feelings
Other people might have poor opinions about you, but that doesn’t have to translate into difficult emotions. They are not the same.
While you can’t control how everyone perceives you, you can lessen your worry and anxiety over it.
Consider practicing some mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness is all about staying in the present and being aware of and accepting how you feel in that moment.
Learning to be in the moment can help you cope with those unwanted feelings and thoughts.
Some mindfulness strategies you can try include:
- meditation
- yoga
- breathing exercises
Remember that everybody makes mistakes
Perfection is impossible, so expecting it is futile. More important, judgment for failing to attain perfection is unproductive, unfair, and completely unhelpful.
Keep in mind that anyone who thinks badly of you for making some small slipups has made mistakes themself.
Plus, making mistakes at work or in personal relationships can be an important part of self-growth. Look at them as learning opportunities and being human.
Develop your sense of self and build confidence
Practicing self-reflection can be a powerful tool for building a strong identity. Take time to ask yourself some difficult questions.
Who am I? What do I care about? What do I enjoy?
Developing a value system is also important to providing a strong foundation to live your life on.
People may critique your beliefs or actions, but if they’re grounded in your values, the criticism is less likely to stick.
Confidence building and developing a sense of self go hand-in-hand. Being confident in who you are and what you stand for will boost your self-esteem and willingness to ignore haters.
Don’t try to mind read – you’re probably wrong
Research suggests that while most people have some idea of how they’re perceived by others, they still have major blind spots.
People will associate traits with you that you’ve never even considered.
The researchers found that the most well-adjusted and emotionally stable people have the least amount of insight into what people think of them.
It’s an indication that constantly worrying what other people think is not only stressful but also not helpful.
Consider the source
Caring about what people think of you is natural. But some people’s opinions are much more important than others and should be treated as such.
A family member saying that your behavior negatively affects them or a boss expressing concern with your work can be helpful.
A random stranger complaining that you don’t smile enough is not.
Know that you’re usually your own worst critic
A research paper tells us that we often believe people judge us much more harshly than they actually are. In reality, we’re often much harder on ourselves than other people.
We also tend to think that one slipup will mar how people perceive us for good. While it’s true that first impressions can have a long-lasting impact, one mistake is unlikely to change their overall judgment of you.
Surround yourself with accepting, supportive people
Friends and family members who are consistently judgmental can take a huge toll on your mental health. Knowing that someone you care about has negative opinions of you is incredibly hurtful.
Developing relationships with people who embrace your true self and people who are supportive and willing to talk it out – even if they can be a little “judgy” sometimes – is crucial for maintaining mental well-being.
Consider therapy
Talking with a therapist can help you develop skills for coping with criticism and building your self confidence.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically, works to build more helpful ways of thinking.
Through exercises and practice, you can learn new ways to approach unhealthy feedback and let go of unnecessary stress.
Hold your own judgments of others
Next time you meet a new colleague or your friend introduces you to their partner, hold off on casting blanket judgments about them.
Even if the first impression isn’t great, give them a chance.
Being accepting of others can help you let go of what others think of you. If you know you’re giving people the benefit of the doubt, you’re more likely to think that others are doing the same for you.
If you think you’re worrying too much about how you’re coming off to others and whether people like you, join the club.
Sometimes feedback and constructive criticism can be useful and worth listening to.
But there’s often no productive use for listening to or worrying about what other people think.
Keep in mind that you’re likely judging yourself harder than anyone else is.
If you need more assistance, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.
How to find out what people really think about you: 7 tricks
Are you afraid of criticism and rejection of your ideas? I noticed that people around are not ready to reveal their real opinion for several reasons. Firstly, they are afraid to spoil the relationship, secondly, they want to support you, and thirdly, they themselves do not realize that they are lying.
White lie is not necessarily a blatant deception. You may be asked to correct some details without reporting flaws that are more noticeable from the outside. You will be praised, hiding your true, often cooler attitude towards your undertaking. As a result, an excess of enthusiasm will almost inevitably be followed by disappointment: those who do not know you will subsequently be much less emotional in their assessments.
Of course, in our life, virtual and real, there are also "trolls" who say nasty things, but now we are talking about the reviews of people who treat you kindly and whom you trust. How to achieve honesty?
1. Accept criticism
Unflattering comments are frustrating, but if you want to improve something, they can be a valuable tool. Not all comments are fair, and critics can be wrong too. But if you make it clear that you are able to withstand criticism without outbursts of rage, most likely, the degree of sincerity in others will increase.
2. Ask the right questions
Here are a few questions that will help you see the truth even under the veil of flattery:
- What did you dislike the most (about my performance, product, new look)?
- What should I do to change my project from good to better?
- Would you buy this? If not, why not?
3. Read between the lines
Pay attention to what was not said, pay attention to the details that were not mentioned.
For example, you run a culinary blog - do your friends cook according to your recipes?
4. Post your ideas on the forums
Forums are a way to get feedback without personal contact. Virtuality is liberating: if people don't like you, they will say so. You will have to deal with tactlessness, intolerance and stereotyped thinking. But this is good: the world will not feel sorry for you, so the “rose-colored glasses” only get in the way on the path to success.
5. Look at Actions, Not Words
If a friend or acquaintance doesn't want to buy or recommend your product, they may not think too highly of it.
6. Take into account the results, not the advice of loved ones
The best feedback comes from the world as a whole, not a group of people close to you. Do you want to know if you write well? Start a blog or publish a novel. Want to know if people like your product? Start selling it in limited edition.
7. Find someone who tells the truth in all situations
You have a choice.
Decide what you need more - praise or honesty? Praise lifts your spirits when the results are not so important. What difference does it make if your crafts are sold if this hobby brings you so much pleasure? When it is important for you to achieve a goal, an honest evaluation is essential. It not only beats self-esteem, but also teaches you to work on yourself.
How to find out what people really think about you: 5 psychological tricks
The opinion of others can be a useful guide for us. Often we find ourselves in situations where predicting the reaction of the interlocutor can play into our hands: a job interview, a first date, and so on. However, these tricks should be used with caution, because excessive passion for the opinions of others can negatively affect your self-esteem and personal stability.
Under magnifying glass
How often do you look at yourself in the mirror looking for flaws? “Here, an imperfectly drawn arrow, needs to be corrected.
The nose is too big, stands out. Yes, and eyebrows look sloppy today ... ”Our brain is a pathological pessimist: it is thanks to the ability to look for danger everywhere that we, as a species, were able to outwit nature. able to survive and evolve.
But now man is afraid of non-poisonous reptiles and ferocious predators. Social fear comes to the fore. We are most afraid of being alone, and the “fight, flight or freeze” reaction turns into 50 shades of shame. But in the battle for social acceptance, we forget that people see us differently - not at all like ourselves.
This happens because we have a lot of information about ourselves - in this matter we are real experts. We know what hairstyle we had yesterday, whether we've gained weight in the last month, and that we look tired today because we didn't get enough sleep.
In communicating with others, it is important to understand that they do not have this information. For example, compare how you rate yourself and how you rate a stranger or friend.
You most likely consider it as a whole, often without separating the appearance from the manner of speech, facial expressions, gait and character traits. Although we love to look for flaws in ourselves under a magnifying glass, other people do not.
The key to a sincere answer is the right question
If you need to hear the truth, find out the sincere opinion of a person, try to ask him the right questions. First, it should be easy for the interlocutor to tell you the truth. Avoid asking overly emotionally charged questions, such as "Do you find me unattractive?" Even more confusing are the statements: “I knew that you didn’t like me.”
Give the interlocutor enough space to explain, try not to pressure him. You can let him be sincere with phrases such as: “I really want to know your opinion”, “I would appreciate your view on this”, “This will help me understand you better and strengthen our relationship / contact.”
To further defuse the situation, you can generalize the question (“What do you usually appreciate in girls?”) or tie it to the person’s personal experience (“Have you had any unpleasant experiences on dates? Curious to know what he was bound).
Read between the lines
Words do not always help us to know the real intentions of a person, his opinion about us. So pay attention to facial expressions, gestures and eyes ( read also: “Body Language and Your Success: 7 Easy FBI Agent Hacks Everyone Can Master”).
If a person looks at you directly, he is studying you, showing genuine interest. If the look at the same time seems "drilling", perhaps the person is a little afraid of you. A shifty look does not necessarily tell us that the interlocutor is bored, but he is really distracted by his experiences or, in general, feels uncomfortable.
Also notice the movements of the person. If he fusses, often changes positions, then he is worried about your presence. If at the same time he still strives to be included in the conversation, to be physically closer to you, then the excitement is rather positive. And the obvious desire to move away tells us the opposite.
Such indicators cannot be called direct instructions.
They should be used in the right context. After all, a person may fuss because of generalized anxiety disorder or look “through” you, because the day before he learned unpleasant news (not related to you personally). In this case, you should not rely solely on these non-verbal signals.
Social Waltz
In almost any social relationship, the push-pull technique works great: try not to show any signs of attention and look at the person's reaction. If the interlocutor was interested in you, most likely, your step back will cause him unconscious anxiety, and on his part a step forward will immediately follow.
This strategy is somewhat reminiscent of a waltz. If there was little interest and emotional involvement in communication, most likely, your communication will come to naught. It may be unpleasant, but this way you will learn the truth.
You can try not to write for several days in social networks and instant messengers. Observe whether the person will write to you, take the initiative.
At the same time, remain polite and friendly in correspondence, do not close yourself from him, go to the contact. If the interlocutor reaches out to you, your relationship is probably valuable to him.
Social distancing
How close is the person literally to you? Does he strive for tactility? You don't need a centimeter - rely on your feelings. If the interlocutor tries to be as close as possible to you and often touches you, then you can talk about his sympathy for you ( read also: "10 signs that a man really likes you"). Of course, the advice applies to informal relationships where tactile communication is considered acceptable.
Practical tricks are certainly a useful tool, but the most important thing is to rely on feelings and self-awareness. If you feel that “something is wrong” with a person, for example, you are not safe or you feel irritated and frustrated, by no means ignore these feelings. Explore them. What is the person doing? What does this behavior look like in my experience? Have I been in this situation before?
Heightened awareness, attentiveness to one's own feelings is our most faithful friend, because a "lump in the throat" definitely never lies.
