Loving but not being in love
The Difference Between Loving Your Partner & Being In Love With Them
Relationships
The relationship experts weigh in.
by Carolyn Steber
Updated:
Originally Published:
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While they may seem identical, loving a partner and being in love with a partner are two totally different things. They often share a lot of the same qualities, like butterflies, excitement, and a desire to spend every waking moment together. But the latter often runs a bit deeper than the former — in subtle but important ways.
“Being truly in love with someone often feels like having a genuine friendship with the added bonus of ongoing attraction and sexual intimacy,” Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book
Date Smart, tells Bustle. When they’re “in love,” you often hear people say they’ve found “their person” — someone they click with in every way and want to be with long-term. And that’s a really great way of to describe it.
So what should you do if it seems like you have the other kind of love? “We all deserve to get what we want and need out of a relationship and no one should sell themselves short,” therapist Erica Cramer, LCSW tells Bustle. “Defining your feelings helps to define your relationships and you can be realistic about whether you’re fulfilled or fulfilling someone else and when it may be time to close that chapter and end things when someone isn’t your match — even when you really want them to be.”
It can be a tough realization, but one that will open doors to finding someone who truly ticks all the right boxes. Here, 15 more ways to tell the difference between love and being in love, so you can make the best choice for you.
1
You’re In Love If: You Take Your Partner Into Consideration 24/7
You’re likely genuinely in love if you take your partner into consideration in everything you do, Dr.
Josh Klapow, a clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. You’ll find time to talk with them before making major decisions to ensure the outcome will work for their life as well as your own. (Think big things like moving, leaving a job, etc.) You’ll also view your partner’s goals and aspirations as your own and will do whatever you can to support them.
2
It’s Just Love If: You Only Want To Cheer Them On
On the flip side, “if you find yourself caring for your partner but not wanting to share with them, you may love your partner but not be in love with them," Klapow says. In other words, it's possible to love someone so much and want the best for them, but not to the point where you’re willing to make any sacrifices that would cut into your time or energy. And therein lies the difference.
Instead of having a “me and you versus the world” mentality, you’ll secretly hope that they find ways to tackle their problems and goals on their own. You’ll wish them well and cheer them on, but you won’t want to shoulder any of their burden or go out of your way to support them.
This is a sign you care about them but aren’t “in love” with them as a romantic partner.
3
You’re In Love If: They Keep Surprising You
You very well may be in love if you keep finding new things to love about your partner, Cramer says, even after you’ve been for months and years.
“Someone in love is filled with a passion that may dwindle but reignites,” she tells Bustle. “You’re in love with a partner that you’re continuously renewing these feelings for: awe, gratitude, respect, and you’re learning new things every day as time goes on.”
It’ll feel like your love is always evolving in good ways. “People who love each other will grow, but may grow apart,” Cramer says. “People in love find ways to grow together.”
4
It’s Just Love If: You Aren’t Fully Attracted To Them
You may have love, but not be in love, if you enjoy spending time with your partner but aren’t attracted to them. “There has to be an element of passion, desire, physical attraction to go from love to being in love,” Cramer says.
“No matter how much we want it to happen, it’s not something you can will.”
Compare the feeling to what it’s like hanging out with platonic friends who you cherish and value, Cramer says. These people may make you feel loved and special, but you aren’t in love with them. “You care about your partner the same way you care about other folks in your life, just not more.
5
You’re In Love If: You Want To Connect On A Deeper Level
It's possible to assess the "love levels” in your relationship by gauging how important physical intimacy is to you and your partner, psychologist Dr. Julie Gurner tells Bustle. If your entire relationship revolves around sex, you might be having a ton of fun but you might not be “in love” just yet.
Couples who are in love often make sex a priority while also making an effort outside the bedroom, she says. You’ll start looking for other ways to spend time together in new ways and your focus will start to shift towards creating a well-rounded relationship.
"As you grow with someone, your love and lust for them will come from a different place — one of an intimate bond and knowing them better than anyone else," Gurner says. "Your feelings grow deeper, you have a greater sense of who they are, and you want to connect deeply with that person."
6
It’s Just Love If: You “Love Them As A Person”
"There are many ways to love someone but saying you love them 'as a person' and are not 'in love' with them often indicates that you see them more as a genuinely close friend you care deeply about than a lover you also care deeply about," Gurner says.
You have respect for them, you love hanging out with them, but when it comes to romance, it may feel like something is missing despite them being perfect “on paper.”
If you catch yourself feeling more like roommates, or complaining to friends that something major is missing in your relationship, Gurner says it may be a sign you're not really in love.
7
You’ve In Love If: You Have Each Other’s Backs 100%
When you aren’t genuinely in love with someone, it’s common to feel a little less committed whenever life gets rocky.
Tough moments will make you want to bail or look for a relationship that might be a bit “easier.” But if you’re in love, those thoughts will never cross your mind.
“Authentic romantic love means you absolutely enjoy the good times in life — laughing together, traveling, and playing — yet there is also a deep willingness to go through the tough times in life together,” Manly says.
Another way to look at it? Whenever something goes wrong, you turn towards each other instead of away. “This element — this true desire and ability to be with someone through thick and thin — is one of the key signs of genuine romantic love,” Manly says. “Anyone can say the words ‘I love you’ but someone who truly loves you will consistently act in loving ways.”
8
It’s Just Love If: You Start To Lose Interest After The Honeymoon Stage
Another way to tell the difference between having a ton of chemistry and being in love is if you start to lose interest after the infatuation or honeymoon stage of the relationship comes to an end.
In this initial stage, sexual energy runs high, Manly says. You’ll have butterflies and won’t be able to get enough of each other. It’s in this stage that you’ll start to feel close — and you might even feel some type of love.
Infatuation can turn into romantic, genuine love as time goes on and you get to know one another better. But if your love isn’t meant to last long-term, you’ll notice that the sparks start to fade into a general sense of boredom. What’s more, you won’t feel the need to try to fix it, either.
9
You’re In Love If: You Want To Be Transparent With Your Partner
“Genuine, romantic love is honest and transparent,” Manly says. “When genuine romantic love is at work, partners are honest about everything — the good and the bad — even when being honest feels tough.”
It’s because you know you can trust each other and because you know that honesty is a vital part of sticking together in the future. “It creates the trust necessary to feel truly safe in a love relationship,” Manly says.
If you aren’t in this stage of love just yet, you may feel like it’s OK to keep certain things from your partner, either because you aren’t close enough to share everything on your mind, or because you don’t view them as someone who needs to know.
10
It’s Just Love If: You Use The Word “But” When Describing Them
Take note of your word choice when talking about your partner. “If you use the word ‘but’ when describing them, then it’s more conditional love,” Laurel House, one of eharmony’s relationship experts, tells Bustle. “There isn’t anything wrong with that — it is simply a sign that you aren’t in love with them.”
True love means you’re willing and able to look past a partner’s quirks or flaws. You see them as a whole person and love them unconditionally, even when they aren’t perfect.
“If you find yourself loving an element of who they are, if you’re attracted to only aspects of their personality, and/or are unaccepting of certain characteristics of who they are, then you are loving them but not fully ‘in love’ with them,” House says.
11
You’re In Love If: You Have A Deep Sense Of Empathy
When you're truly in love, you "become more sensitive and empathetic to this person," relationship expert Dr. Carolina Castaños tells Bustle. When they're happy, you're happy. And when they're sad, so are you.
The same can be true for friends and family and other types of platonic love. Since you care about these people, their emotions will impact how you feel. You’ll want to reach out and help, comfort them, and cheer them up.
But when it comes to being in love with a partner, that empathy will be next-level. Your partner’s emotions will feel like your own and you’ll want to take on the emotional burden of sharing them.
12
It’s Just Love If: You Can’t Envision A Future
While it’ll be fun to hang out with someone you like and care about, take note if you don’t ever think or talk about the future.
“When romantic love is at work, we often get naturally excited by creating future plans based on our hopes and dreams,” Manly says.
“From exploring romantic travel destinations to the idea of starting a family, one sign of romantic love is the deep desire to create some sort of loving, romantic future together.”
If that isn’t there, you might not be “in love” just yet.
13
You’re In Love If: You Can’t Imagine Your Life Without Them
This one is tricky because in the early stages of infatuation, it really can feel like you need your partner in your life. As genuine love develops, however, it’ll feel like a future together makes sense and seems inevitable — in a totally good way.
“As we get older we usually keep a smaller, core group in our lives,” House says. “If you cannot imagine your life without this person, then you are probably in love.” You’ll have discussed future goals, you’ll be working towards them, and you’ll feel genuinely comfortable around each other.
14
It’s Just Love If: Your Partner Isn’t A Top Priority
When you're in love with someone, you're more likely to do whatever it takes to see them and spend time with them.
So if you can't be bothered to muster the energy to see your partner, you may not be in love.
"We pay attention to what we value," certified counselor and dating expert Jonathan Bennett tells Bustle. "People who are 'in love' give their partner their best time and attention. This means seeking out quality time and regular, mutual intimacy. Couples who practically live separate lives might love each other, but the 'in love' feeling has most likely faded."
If this is happening in your relationship, it's certainly possible to rekindle those early flames and get back to feeling devoted and in love. One way to do so is by purposefully spending more time together, especially if busy schedules have pulled you apart. Go on a date, plan a vacation, or simply have breakfast together more often. If it’s meant to be, this effort will do the trick.
15
You’re In Love If: You Find Ways To Overcome Problems
From rekindling a dwindling spark, to practicing better communication, to compromising after an argument, these are all things you’ll be fully willing to do when you truly love someone, Bennett says.
All couples go through ups and downs, but it’s this type of ongoing commitment to each other and the relationship that often points to genuine love.
Sources:
Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist
Dr. Josh Klapow, clinical psychologist
Dr. Julie Gurner, psychologist
Erica Cramer, LCSW, therapist
Laurel House, relationship expert
Dr. Carolina Castaños, relationship expert
Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor
This article was originally published on
The Difference Between Being in Love and Loving Someone, According to Experts
At some point in time, most of us will know the feeling: Your heart flutters when you see your partner walk in the room, and it feels like the time you spend together puts you on top of the world. Being in love is a part of life that many people strive to experience (and it can seem like every character in movies, books, and other stories we enjoy are focused around it in one way or another).
There are many different types of love. Some people feel butterflies when they're infatuated with someone special; happy couples married for years have a deep, profound attachment to each other; and a parent's love for their children is often regarded as the strongest love one can experience. But when it comes to romance, the feelings of love and being in love are separate and depend on the stage of your relationship.
If you're wondering what it means to be in love vs. loving another person, we asked romance and relationship expert Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D., marriage therapist Kathy McCoy, Ph.D., and clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. to walk us through the difference between these two emotions.
Meet the Expert
- Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D. is a social psychologist with a focus on romantic relationships and attraction. She is a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland.
- Kathy McCoy, Ph.D. is a marriage and family therapist and author of more than a dozen books in the space.
- Randi Gunther, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. She is the author of When Love Stumbles: How to Rediscover Love, Trust, and Fulfillment in your Relationship and Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love.
The Psychology Behind Love
You may have used the phrases "being in love" and "loving someone" interchangeably, but there are a few differences between them and how we process feelings in relationships.
Determining if you're actually in love with someone can help you decide if you should be exclusive with them, stay in the relationship, or make a commitment that leads to deeper love.
"The spark that defines a love-at-first-sight experience is better described as a strong attraction accompanied by an openness to a future relationship," says DiDonato. "Romantic love is more involved, encompassing emotional, cognitive, and behavioral components. It's also not something that generally happens instantly, but rather, it usually tends to emerge over time.
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DiDonato suggests considering how researchers define romantic love to see the differences more clearly. She notes that while many scholars see love as an emotional attachment based on the quality of a relationship, others measure love by passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Being in Love vs. Loving Someone
Before knowing which type of love exists in your current relationship, it's helpful to understand the signs of genuinely falling in love (and how to tell when that chemistry is real). If you're trying to interpret the strong emotions you have for your special someone, here's how to determine if you're in love or simply feeling love for them:
Being in Love Is Emotionally Charged
If you’re wondering what it means to be in love, one key distinction has to do with your emotions. Specifically, when you’re in love with someone, you feel a strong, almost inexplicable desire for that person. "The excitement and wonder of early love, of mutual discovery, of delighting in fantasies, and anticipating sharing so much in the years ahead is a memorable phase in a couple’s life together," says McCoy.
In fact, being "in love" often means yearning for someone: You think about them constantly, and you crave spending time with them when you're apart.
The excitement and wonder of early love, of mutual discovery, of delighting in fantasies, and anticipating sharing so much in the years ahead is a memorable phase in a couple’s life together.
Loving Someone Isn’t Based on a Whirlwind of Emotions
Mature love grows out of a developing attachment. Whether the person you love is a partner, friend, parent, or child, your strong feelings stem from a deep-rooted attachment rather than heightened passion or infatuation. "After the fantasies and illusions begin to fall away, it’s possible that what comes into focus is something much better: a realistic, sustainable love," McCoy says.
Being in Love Can Fade Over Time
When you’re in love, deep feelings can be fleeting. Intense adoration can become indifferent as time passes, and your partner's novelty can wear off.
Being in love with someone today isn't a guarantee that you'll feel the same way forever: "As phases tend to do, [early love] passes as jobs, bills, children, conflicts, aging parents, and other realities of long-term love begin to push those fantasies aside," McCoy says. "It’s hard to harbor glamorous illusions close-up over time."
Loving Someone Is More Permanent
Loving someone is long-lasting. Even if the person you love aggravates or disappoints you (or your relationship becomes distant), you'll continue to care about them on some level. It's part of the reason that you can still love your ex long after a breakup—loving another person is deeply ingrained. "Growing to love the real person and accepting who they are, with both strengths and weaknesses, can make a wonderful difference in your relationship," McCoy says. "[It helps] it to become a lasting source of comfort, emotional safety, and a wonderfully sustainable joy. When you see each other realistically and come to know each other well, you’re less likely to disappoint each other.
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Growing to love the real person and accepting who they are, with both strengths and weaknesses, can make a wonderful difference in your relationship.
Being in Love Can Be Easily Shaken
When you’re in love with someone, your connection may not be strong enough to make it through challenges unfazed. For example, you may be head over heels for your partner, but as soon as real problems arise, you start to feel distant from them or question their ability to outlast hard times. When you feel a deeper love for your long-term partner, the passion can continue to burn through life's challenges without flickering or fading away. In the beginning, you can be in love but not know each other well enough to overcome obstacles together. "As you relax into the relationship and accept each other realistically, there is a greater chance that those times when you aren’t so witty, when you’re a little cranky, or when you disagree will not be deal-breakers," McCoy says. "When you’re in love, you tend to be on your best behavior and expect your loved one to do the same.
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Loving Someone Can Survive Life’s Ups and Downs
When you love someone, your relationship is strong enough to overcome life’s challenges. This is because your bond with one another is so inherent that problems can actually bring you closer together. "In relationships that harbor the potential of true love, people almost immediately feel the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive," says Gunther. "They feel immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome." After all, love is based on the trust, respect, and honesty that develop over time.
Being in Love Opens the Door to Long-Term Love
When you're in love with your partner, you can develop a deeper sense of love over time as you both commit to the relationship—and many couples still feel the flutters of being in love after years together. So if you're still in the early phases, the future can hold a long-lasting bond if you weather the challenges of life in a healthy way.
Being in love with someone actually sets the stage for building long-lasting love. Each partner makes appropriate sacrifices to meet the other's needs, and they'll enjoy aspects of each other that bring out the best versions of themselves. When partners enjoy spending time together, they're more motivated to grow together, take risks, and make each other's lives better. "Letting go of old fantasies makes room for wonderful surprises," McCoy says. "When you stop trying to change a spouse—or yourself—to fit each other’s fantasies and simply love each other, encouraging the other to grow in ways very much their own, wonderful surprises may be in store."
While passion is important, mutual respect and compassion between partners create an emotional foundation between them. So, if you think you've found "the one," your relationship might just transform into an exciting, life-long commitment.
5 Signs Your Relationship Is Strong Enough to Get Engaged
Psychologist's blog: loves - does not love? Is it necessary to know?
- Elena Savinova
- psychologist
Image copyright, Getty Images
Caption before photo,Likes or dislikes? Perhaps another question should be asked?
Ironically, many people are much more concerned about how their partner treats them.
And only in the last turn they ask themselves, are they comfortable themselves?
Loneliness together
Women who have been dating or even living with a man for a year or two go to a psychologist, trying to find out how serious their lover's intentions are.
Does he love? Or is it just taking time?
It is felt that mentally they are constantly scrolling through the usual dialogue in the spirit of "and I to him, and he to me" (reproached, refused, rude). Which they tell at the reception to make sure that he still loves.
• Diary of a psychologist: showdown - useful or not?
To directly ask a man with whom they eat, drink, sleep, about his plans for a common future, only a few decide.
They say that it is inconvenient, intrusive. That he might feel cornered. And what they themselves feel insecure, they are ready to endure.
As well as many other things that do not suit, and what the beloved supposedly should guess for himself.
If only not to push away, not to cause disgust.
Fear of empty shelves
Image credit: Matthew Henry / Unsplash
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The main story of the day, as our journalists explain
Issues
End of the podcast
Some even admitted that when they return home, they are not sure that there is still a partner's things there. The biggest fear is to see empty cabinet shelves and a note on the table saying, I'm sorry...
Like in the movie? - I ask. No, it turns out that a person has already experienced something similar in life. It would seem, why re-enter such a traumatic relationship?
As it turns out later, a woman feels love only when she also feels anxiety. She really falls for men who tend to disappear suddenly, not call for years or call in the middle of the night. And then disappear again.
And she will reflect on their mystery.
Which is, most likely, an elementary unwillingness to burden oneself with duties to someone.
"Normal" love also happens to such people. But when a partner is predictable, plans for the future, it seems too insipid.
Surprisingly, some people like to suffer. Perhaps they had a hard time with the divorce of their parents or an unhappy first love. But who makes her happy?
Love is in your head
Be that as it may, thousands of people spend their lives trying to figure out what is going on in the heads and hearts of those who may not think about them at all. Instead of looking into your own soul.
It is widely believed that if you doubt your partner's love, then he definitely does not love you. I agree with the stipulation.
People have different ideas about love and its manifestations. It depends not only on temperament and character, but also on life experience, level of education, value system.
If yours are very different, you may simply not notice or appreciate someone's true intentions to make you happy.
But it is not worth asking why he did not say or do this or that. Again, listen to yourself. Uncomfortable on the first, second, third date - feel free to say goodbye.
Image copyright, Allef Vinicius / Unsplash
Photo caption,"Listen to yourself. Uncomfortable on the first, second, third date - feel free to say goodbye"
Most likely, this is not your person. So let's be honest and let's not waste time. Otherwise, we risk joining the ranks of the sufferers.
Or maybe you live with the illusion of ideal love, some kind of princess complex. Understandably, real men pale in comparison to the coveted image of a prince in a white limousine.
Therefore, I advise you to grow up faster and accept reality as it is. It's really interesting.
You can't "want him to.
.." Many will object: they say, you can't sort through all your life! Yes. And this way you can meet your loved one faster.
And is it better to endure for many years, extinguish irritation in yourself, be offended, because you are not able to overcome the fear of being alone for some time?
By the way, I know enough people who do not stop relationships that have exhausted themselves just because they have not yet found someone better. But until we free ourselves from previous relationships, there will be no place for new love.
This also applies to the so-called parallel links. That is, those who meet with married people. Or he, having a family, fell in love.
Leaving aside the moral aspect, I would say that such romances usually drag on for a long time and unhappily. Therefore, if it really happened, and you want a married beloved or beloved to make a choice, make it yourself.
The request "I want him, she" is unjustified.
After all, we are not able to decide for someone.
On the other hand, we can offer the partner to end the relationship with the previous marriage. Until then, you wait. Practice shows that this is the best test for the strength and authenticity of feelings.
I am in a relationship, but I don't love my partner. The psychologist explains why this is (not) normal and what to do
This is sad, of course, but it can happen to you too. Read the opinion of a psychologist about why we tolerate dislike for ourselves, marry by convenience, and whether we will regret it after forty.
At what age are relationships without reciprocity more typical
– And what does each of us put into the concept of “love” and who can accurately describe this feeling? It is important to understand that everyone will tell something different about love, but for someone it will remain an indescribable and inexplicable feeling.
And where is the line between "like" and "love"? And what does "not love" mean? – says Natalia Aleksandrovich , family counselor, crisis and trauma specialist, certified gestalt therapist.
- There are cases when, for example, a girl at the age of 16 meets a guy and does not love him. She just likes him, and this relationship is rather for the sake of interest and experience.
- I suppose that when a girl says that she liked a guy, but she did not love him, there was some kind of insufficiency in relation to him. Something was clearly missing. Interest in a person is already a lot on the way to a deep feeling.
But there seems to be an expectation that the feeling will burst into flames and burn for a long time. Yes, this happens, and then we talk about falling in love as the beginning of the path to love. As a rule, when falling in love ends, space opens up to explore what was built during this period.
Someone already has a family, a child or a common cause. And definitely there is an experience, pleasant and not very.
At this moment, the couple is experiencing their first crisis: the person is faced with the fact that the partner is not as ideal as it seemed initially. This point is a transit point on the way to love. It allows a person to make a choice more consciously and involves working on oneself and relationships, involves patience and emotional costs - and definitely does not give any guarantees. If successful, all this forms a support for further movement and takes the pair to a higher level. And so on until maturity.
Yes, unfortunately, there are cases when, for some reason, a crisis becomes an insurmountable barrier for partners, and in this case the couple breaks up. Then the person returns to the starting point, but with another partner - this is provided that he dares to try again. And so on in a circle until a solution to the problem is found.
If the outbreak of love has passed, but the relationship still exists, then the question arises what need a person satisfies in this union.
Perhaps this is a need for attention, security, sexual satisfaction, or the same need for love. And then, if you think about the questions “what do relationships give me?”, “What do I expect from a partner?”, Options will appear on how this can be done in another way, without getting stuck in a relationship that you want to end. Freedom appears.
I want to make a reservation right away that there are other love scenarios. I am now talking about those that are more common in practice.
And to the question about age, I will only say that at a young age we often observe falling in love, which is often filled with romanticism, sincerity and purity. And that's great. Love in the classical sense of the word still needs time and maturity of partners. Then everything in this gap is the very “dislike” that needs to be dealt with.
Why do we agree to a relationship out of pity?
- If pity is viewed from the side of compassion, sympathy, acceptance of weakness - this is one thing, and this is an important component of any relationship, which provides support to the partner in difficult times.
But, based on the wording of the question, most likely, it means something else - when a person experiences discomfort, but for some reason remains in a couple. The reasons may be different, but I would like to dwell on the following: if you look into the depth of the issue, you can see the disguised arrogance of the one who regrets, and a whole palette of feelings - guilt, shame, anger, fear and disgust, which a person often does not suspect.
Why arrogance? If you feel sorry for someone, then you mean that the other is weaker than you and he will not cope with something on his own, or maybe even disappear altogether. In this case, there is no need to talk about equality. There is a ground for this, which is formed by both partners. And often they are so strongly included in the game that from the outside it may seem that the pair is a complete idyll. He, for example, gets sick, and she takes care of him all day long, sacrificing her interests - what is not love.
Or another example that can often be found in Belarusian families: he drinks and beats her from time to time, and she consoles herself with the phrase “beating means she loves!” and every time he finds a new excuse for him, showing all the same pity.
Perhaps she will even receive an apology for this or a gift as compensation, but everything will be back very soon - a classic of the genre.
Examples can be given indefinitely, and they will have different modifications and, perhaps, lighter forms than voiced, but in essence they will not differ in anything. Here we are talking about models of dependent behavior, and love has nothing to do with this, because it in itself at least includes the equality of partners, respect for each other and respect for the interests of everyone. This is the minimum that cannot be ignored.
It is clear that a person in a relationship loses the models that were learned in the parental family. If something similar to what was said above takes place today, then a parallel with personal history will always be found. And even if a person already knows a lot about himself, it is still difficult for him to stop the dependent scenario.
It often happens that a person starts to run away from a nightmare and tries to build the opposite model of interaction, and then we are talking about counter-dependent behavior.
But this is definitely not yet freedom of choice, because the action comes from something. It turns out a vicious circle, from which it is very difficult to escape.
In such situations, it is helpful to seek the support of a trained professional who knows all these pitfalls and can help you see them. Exploring your mechanisms of interaction with others gives a person new ways to build relationships, so the question of pity disappears by itself.
YOU DON'T LOVE ANY MORE - HOW TO BREAK RELATIONSHIPS
- When you realize that you no longer love a person, at what point should you break off a relationship and is it worth it?
- It is not easy to answer this question, because it is not clear by what criteria to judge that love has passed. In each situation, markers will be different, and sometimes you can even jump to conclusions. For example, take a strong offense or some misunderstanding between partners as the basis for such a decision.
Anger is what is most often forced out of a relationship. Therefore, the very repression threatens them. Then a lot of important things remain in the shadows, but not clarified. The threat of rupture grows with each similar situation. When people come to me with this question, I always suggest working on clarifying hidden feelings before making a decision. Anger, for example, will indicate unmet needs in a couple.
Finding out the reasons, you can better understand what a person needs and what are the expectations, which in turn helps to find ways to solve a painful issue. Very often, after such work, the idea of parting loses its relevance, because we are angry just at people who are really dear and important to us.
But that's just one example. There are other situations when, for example, a person is faced with serious crises in his life, which have nothing to do with love relationships, but definitely affect them. For example, dismissal, own illness or death of someone close.
In this case, the person will not have an internal resource to support the relationship, and he needs time to recover. There is definitely no need to rush here. It is worth being patient and waiting for some time for the final decision.
And here is the moment that can become a landmark. As long as there are doubts and questions like “how to understand?” arise, you can be sure that you leave a chance to save a couple. When a relationship runs out of steam, these questions don't arise. Parting brings relief, and the person is left with a trace of gratitude for the experience. But this may not be the same for both partners.
SETTLEMENT RELATIONSHIPS - IS IT GOOD OR NOT?
- What can you say about the relationship of convenience? When, for example, you think in the future that this guy is smart and everything will be fine with him, but he is not very smart and I love him, but I still won’t get married.
– In our society, you can find a lot of condemnation and dissatisfaction when faced with this.
But this is about human needs. Money is an opportunity and a resource. We are talking about physiological needs and the need for safety. And the fact that a person makes a choice in the direction of prospects when it comes to a future family can be quite justified.
Family is not only love. Money plays a very important role in this system. And here, as in a stable expression: "With a sweet paradise in a hut until the first rain." And if we talk about love, then here everyone chooses for himself.
In the question itself, there is an attitude that the man is the main breadwinner in the family. The scheme is clear, verified. But there is another option, when both partners occupy equal positions. Such relationships are built on mutual support and mutual assistance. This environment is more nutritious and safer for two, which, in turn, is a good condition for the development of each. Then the question of choice, in principle, is not worth it.
But often an equal partnership remains at the level of reasoning, because in life everything is a little more complicated, and such couples are very rare.
- What does it mean for a girl when she is in a relationship without love, and what does it mean for a guy when he does not love? Is there a gender difference in the perception of this?
- Yes, there is, but it's hard to say to what extent.
I keep repeating - everything is very individual. Although the fact that, for example, men are less susceptible to emotions, and for most women, the emotional sphere is the leading one, remains a fact. In addition, women are more likely than men to maintain relationships and work on them if the need arises. The presence of children and a small salary reinforces this trend.
Many modern women still try to relieve tension in this matter and actively invest in their development, which, in my opinion, is great. This avoids dependence on a man and has a good effect not only on all family members, but also on society as a whole.
What does it mean not to love in a relationship for a man and for a woman? I think it's equally sad for both.
Regardless of gender, everyone has a need for love. Here, rather, the question is who and how is able to respond. From experience, we can say that men are more decisive in such matters.
I can only add that in our society there are still attitudes that “real men don't cry”. And this often causes a blockage of feelings, which, if manifested, could become ground for growth in a relationship. And while this is the case, it is really easier for a man to get out of a relationship. This gives him relief, although it does not solve his underlying problems.
But there are men who know the other side of the issue, and this cannot but delight. This is the case when, by developing the emotional sphere, a man strengthens his male part.
what to do if you are afraid to leave an unloved person
- You often hear from people over 40, they say, I regret that in my youth I got married or married an unloved person.
- If a person, having reached a certain age, begins to look towards the fact that something does not suit him in a relationship, this is wonderful.
Understanding the problem provides a chance to improve these relationships or take more drastic measures. Everyone will find their own solution.
And yes, it is possible that the realization of lost time or missed opportunities will cause great melancholy, but it is worse when a person resigns himself to the situation, does not want to notice anything else and feels powerless, having lost hope to change something in his life. This is real drama.
And if there is a willingness to look deep into the problem and deal with it, then age sometimes becomes a good support, as it brings invaluable experience.
Are you forty, fifty or sixty, what difference does it make? If there is a will, there is always a way. Sometimes you just need to take the first step.
Is it okay to be in a relationship without love? For me personally, no. And I immediately want to ask: “Who determines this norm? Who will tell you what is right and what is wrong?” Each person has the right to live his life according to the scenario that he writes himself.
Another thing is how happy a person is in this. If there is no happiness, it may be worth taking a chance and starting to change something.
– It happens that a couple rents a house or has taken out a loan, they have children and they are afraid to leave because they don’t know what will happen next. How to act in such a situation?
– The unknown is really scary, and anxiety is inevitable here. This must be taken for granted. Another thing is if the anxiety is so strong that it paralyzes and prevents you from moving forward. Then you should contact a specialist. And to find out what will happen next, you need to start moving to that very point. In this movement, a person cannot avoid meeting the zone of discomfort, but there is no other way when it comes to experiencing a new experience.
– What can be recommended here?
– First of all, it is worth enlisting the support of loved ones, and this should be taken care of in advance.
