Narcissistic father in law
The Signs of Narcissistic Parents-in-Law and How to Deal With Them
- Narcissistic parents-in-law are incredibly cruel, often going out of their way to make sure their son or daughter's spouse doesn't feel welcome, according to trauma therapist Shannon Thomas.
- If the child from the narcissistic family is oblivious to the harm being caused, it can slowly tear apart their marriage.
- Sometimes they are wise to it, but it's still incredibly hard to deal with their mind games.
- For example, narcissistic in-laws will play favorites, isolate the target from their own children, and lie about anything to fit their narrative and make the target feel excluded.
- Narcissists often act like they're reading from the same instruction manual, so there are some telltale signs that a toxic in-law is what you're dealing with.
- Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.
Thanks for signing up!
Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go.
Imagine marrying into a family and realizing your mother and father-in-law are hellbent on destroying your entire life, relationship, and self-esteem. It may sound like the plot of a psychological thriller, but toxic, narcissistic in-laws are a reality many people live with.
"Narcissistic in-laws are incredibly cruel," trauma therapist Shannon Thomas told Insider. "Everybody wants to be a part of a healthy, fun family, but when you are the target, with that sense of belonging and wanting to be one of them, they make it extremely clear that you are not."
Narcissistic in-laws can destroy a marriage
Narcissistic in-laws can ruin a marriage, Thomas said, especially if the son or daughter is oblivious to the games their parents are playing. Thomas said it's probably because they are in denial about the level of toxicity their family has.
The child of a narcissist will sometimes already be wise to their parent's behavior, but other times they have to be made aware of it by seeing them through their partner's eyes.
"I think it's the partner saying it again and again and pointing it out," Thomas said. "It's pulling the curtain back on the family dynamic, and kind of holding up a mirror so the adult child of the narcissist can see it."
If the child from the narcissistic family is oblivious to the harm being caused, it can slowly tear apart their marriage.
"I get a lot of folks coming in and they're not sure about the marriage because they don't feel supported, and there's a lot of tension, which is exactly the narcissistic parents' goal," Thomas said.
"What we start unpacking is, is this a normal family situation where two personalities don't get along? Or is there something a lot more poisonous going on?"
Narcissists often act like they're reading from the same instruction manual, so there are some telltale signs that a toxic in-law is what you're dealing with.
They love to play favorites
It can sometimes take grandchildren to be in the picture for the narcissistic in-laws to show their true colors.
For instance, in one family Thomas knew, two grandchildren had the same name.
"One grandchild would text the narcissistic grandparent but she wouldn't reply," Thomas said. "But then she'd text the targeted grandchild and say 'oh oops I accidentally texted you. I meant to text the other grandchild of the same name.'"
She did this to show she's available but is purposefully ignoring the grandchild of the spouse she doesn't like, Thomas said.
"If it's a one off, sure, but if it happens three different times, you'll notice it's more than just a mistake," she said. "Narcissists are so lacking in self awareness they don't remember that they've already done it four or five times."
There is usually a golden child. Rawpixel.comIf they can't make headway with tearing apart a marriage, the narcissist may instead try and isolate the targeted spouse from their own children.
"Especially if they're saying, 'Hey, we want to take you to Disney world' or 'We want to take you on this trip, or that trip,'" Thomas said. "And then while the grandchildren are on that trip, they're being poisoned against their targeted parent."
Certain patterns like this emerge, particularly when there are several siblings within the family. The narcissistic parent tends to choose a favorite golden child, while the others are left to fight for attention in different ways. Some become "flying monkeys" and aid the narcissistic parent in their manipulations.
Whatever the dynamic, the narcissistic parent is always working to feed their supply of adoration, all the while pitting the siblings against each other.
They like people who are similar to them, and shun those who aren't
When siblings start their own lives, their partners can slot into the toxic chaos in a number of ways, either being accepted or rejected, depending on how alike they are to the narcissistic parents.
"The cruelty is you'll see them be very close to some family members, and they will definitely bring some in-laws into the fold," Thomas said. "It's because they like the family members that are most like them."
It's common for most of the members of narcissistic families to follow a similar career path, like law. But when one of their children brings in an outsider who goes against the theme of the nuclear family they can see it as an attack.
"Especially if they've not made an attempt to be like them," said Thomas. "If the in-law has continued to stand in their own independence, that's when they really attack."
It can even rile them up if a newly-introduced spouse has a different taste in food. Thomas said they will serve them food they clearly won't eat then "turn around and act like the victim."
For example, a woman recently sent an absurd and disturbing letter to The Cut's "Ask Polly" column, where she explained that her in-laws refused to stop serving her mushrooms even though she is deathly allergic to them.
But Thomas said it was never about mushrooms specifically, it was about control. Narcissists are so desperate for control they favor it even over the safety and well-being of another person.
"That individualization is not allowed at all," Thomas said. "You can't choose your own career. You can't even choose your own food."
You'll notice a lot of mean behaviors
Other games the narcissist in-laws play include:
- Planning a trip and only inviting the targeted spouse a couple of days before. This way they can say "we invited them, they just didn't want to come."
- They will sit down very quickly when going to a restaurant, so the targeted partner is left without a place or has to sit alone.
- They won't say hello when the targeted spouse enters a room. Instead, they might turn to them a few minutes later and say "oh, I didn't see you there."
- They will try and make it seem like they know their child better than their spouse does. They will lie about things they like or what they've said — anything to fit their narrative.
Complaining about their behaviors sounds petty, but it builds up over time
Trying to explain why these behaviors are hurtful one at a time is difficult because they sound so trivial. But they're not, especially when the spouse has been dealing with it for years.
In fact, narcissists probably plan their behavior very carefully so that any complaint would sound petty. Over time they can make their target feel like they're losing their mind.
"They thrive off the chaos and some of the mean girl or guy kind of behaviors, the bullying behaviors," said Thomas. "They actually enjoy it like any narcissist does. It's that entertainment factor that is very much present for narcissistic parents.
They enjoy being cruel."
She said it's important targeted partners realize they are not the distorted version of themselves the narcissistic in-laws are painting them to be. To remind themselves of their worth they should spend time with friends and put boundaries in place with how, where, and when they visit their partner's family.
This is infinitely easier if their partner is also wise to what's going on, she said, because then they can stand strong as a team. Otherwise, the marriage probably won't last, and narcissistic parents are more than happy to fund an incredibly ugly divorce.
But when the couple have a united front, Thomas said it's not unreasonable to choose detached contact in these situations, or in extreme cases, no further contact at all.
"There's a lot of recovery available, once someone comes to terms with what they're dealing with and stays grounded and rooted in the life they have together," she said. "It's choosing health together. And that's really wonderful to watch.
"
Read more:
17 steps to leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist
A woman told an advice column that her in-laws won't stop serving her mushrooms despite her deadly allergy, and a trauma therapist thinks it could be a sign of toxic narcissism
Narcissistic parents identify their children as either a favourite or a scapegoat, and they pit them against each other
The 5 most common themes in narcissistic families, from 'flying monkeys' to the 'needy sibling'
Narcissists often recruit people called 'apaths' to help with their games — here's why they're dangerous
What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic In-Law
Sharing is caring
You’re with an amazing spouse, and you’re generally happy with the state of your marriage…except for one thing. You have a narcissistic in-law, and they are driving you absolutely crazy! No matter what, they’re creating drama and generally making your life more difficult.
Narcissistic relatives can be draining and frustrating for everyone involved.
But things can get even more complicated when you’re dealing with your spouse’s family. Here’s what you need to know and how you can cope.
Signs of a Narcissistic In-Law
Maybe you know something is off with your in-law, but you aren’t exactly sure if you’re overreacting (or if they’re just particularly difficult). As you might now, narcissism can be confusing, and it often manifests itself in different ways. Here are some clear signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Always Needing Attention
Whether the attention is positive or negative, the narcissist absolutely needs to be in the spotlight. This need for attention is limitless. They will interrupt people, monopolize conversations, and even feign dramatic crises just to get people to listen to them.
Exploiting Others
Narcissists care about their needs far more than they care about anyone else’s. Relationships, therefore, are purely transactional. They only seek to get close to people based on what others can provide for them.
Therefore, you can expect exploitative behaviors like lying, exaggerating, minimizing, or even denying certain actions.
Extreme Mood Swings
Your in-law might be charming and friendly sometimes. But, you’ve learned that their emotions can change instantly. That’s because narcissists have incredibly vulnerable egos. Anytime something threatens that ego, they feel personally attacked. As a result, they become overly reactive.
Extreme mood swings can look like:
- Completely withdrawing from the conversation or scene
- Screaming, threatening, or projecting blame onto people
- Crying and becoming inconsolable when others try to help
- Responding passive-aggressively
Constantly Fishing for Compliments
Narcissists want to be admired, and they make every effort to ensure that others provide them with praise. A steady stream of validation maintains their narcissistic supply.
Fishing for compliments can look like:
- Outwardly boasting about their achievements
- Making self-deprecating comments (knowing that others will challenge them)
- Humble-bragging
Disregarding Your Needs
Narcissists will only care about your needs when your needs benefit them. There are very few exceptions to this rule. And so, you can expect the narcissist to continue denying, minimizing, or even downright making fun of your needs. If they don’t align with what they want, don’t expect them to care.
How a Narcissistic In-Law Can Impact Your Marriage
There’s an old saying that says when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.
And when it comes to narcissists, this statement probably hits a little too close to home. You may not have asked for these parents, but you probably feel stuck with them. In addition, these relationships certainly matter, and research shows that 11% of couples cite their in-laws as a key factor in divorce.
Your narcissistic in-law is likely to cause the most damage if your spouse is unable (or unwilling) to recognize the severity of their behavior. If they’re continuously defending their mom or dad, it’s going to cause problems. You’ll likely feel lonely, frustrated, and resentful if they don’t want to change the dynamic.
How you set (or don’t set) limits can also define the quality of your marriage. If you avoid the issue or hope that it resolves on its own, you’re bound to feel disappointed. As you may know, narcissists don’t readily change their ways. This is especially true if they have no incentive to stop their outlandish behavior.
Finally, narcissists can cause serious ruptures if you have children. They often believe they’re entitled to participate in your parenting. As a result, they will frequently try to meddle, overrule you, or even “play favorites” with your children.
Life with a narcissist is never easy. And even if you want to cut ties altogether, doing so might not be practical.
If your spouse wants to maintain a relationship with their parents, you will need to keep the following strategies in mind.
Talk Directly to Your Spouse
It’s one thing if your spouse recognizes the toxic behavior and addresses it effectively. It’s another thing if you’re stuck in this power struggle where your spouse stands up for their parent and takes their side in an argument.
The first step is patience. Discovering narcissism is painful, and even adult children often want
to protect their parents and give them the benefit of the doubt. Your spouse might not be fully ready to recognize the severity of the situation. Likewise, they may be so emotionally abused and gaslit that they only see themselves as having the problem.
However, it’s important that you identify the problems you notice. Be as specific as possible, and don’t shy away from expressing exactly how you feel.
Remember that your spouse might feel anxious, guilty, or upset about the possibility of being “stuck in the middle.
” This is normal- they’ve spent their entire life trying to manage this impossible situation. Try to be as supportive as possible while also standing your ground.
Collaborate on Boundaries
Narcissists are like toddlers who never grow up. They are self-centered, ego-driven, and focused only on meeting their own needs. Your narcissistic in-law has probably shown you that- time and time and time again.
Whether your narcissistic mother-in-law wants to spend every waking moment with your kids or your narcissistic father-in-law becomes explosive when things don’t go his way, setting limits is essential if you want to maintain any semblance of a functioning relationship.
And so, you and your spouse need to come together to decide which boundaries you two want to implement. Ideally, you should be a united front as much as possible. Because when narcissists assume they can triangulate themselves between others, they will. And they will happily pit people against each other just to get what they want.
Some clear boundaries might include.
- “I will not tolerate your mother criticizing my parenting. If she does, I will leave the house immediately.”
- “I will not spend time with your father alone. I am okay visiting with him as long as you are with me.”
- “I only want to stay with your parents for two hours. If you want to stay longer, I will take a separate car.”
Define Clear Exit Strategies
Most people find that they need escape plans when dealing with narcissists. After all, things can escalate very quickly. And sometimes, it just no longer feels safe to be in the same room.
Having a plan of action can help. Whether it’s a code word you share with your spouse or a reminder you have for yourself, it’s important to know when to leave.
Don’t feel the need to apologize. You are an adult, and you are allowed to limit your time with toxic people.
Anticipate Pushback
You can and should prepare for resistance anytime you set a limit.
Narcissists are used to getting their way. When that doesn’t happen, they typically become enraged.
You can expect some of the following reactions:
- Trying to convince your spouse you’re the problem
- Threatening to disown you or cut you off from the family
- Making fun of your boundaries or acting like they are childish
- Crying or becoming overly apologetic as a way to gain your sympathy
- Pretending as if you never set a limit (and continuing to act in their usual ways)
- Gossipping or trying to smear you to others
This pushback will be undoubtedly frustrating. But it has nothing to do with you. It’s simply how narcissists react when others stand up for themselves.
Stop Trying to Win
It can be so tempting to stoop down to the narcissist’s level. After all, if they get to scream, cry, or make idle threats, why shouldn’t you? If they get to cause all this drama, why shouldn’t you give them a taste of their own reality?
But here’s the thing: you can’t win a fight with a narcissist.
That’s because you two are on entirely different playing fields. One playing field is rooted in reality, and the other is in a complete fantasy land.
And believe it or not, they want you to compete with them. They want the battle, even if they’re pretending like they hate it.
So, let go of the arguments and power struggles. Trying to win them is futile.
Instead, try to focus on protecting your own integrity. If you have children, make sure that you are also looking after their best interests. Even if you feel “mean” or “selfish,” remember that those feelings are likely due to you feeling entangled with the narcissist’s agenda. In other words, their behavior triggers you to feel that way.
Final Thoughts
Coping with a narcissistic in-law requires insight, clear communication, and strict boundaries. If your spouse is on board with you, the work becomes much easier. If you two aren’t on the same page, it’s still essential that you take care of yourself.
After all, nobody has the right to disrespect or harm you.
Sharing is caring
How narcissistic are you? Psychological test Ustaliy.ru
in Psychological tests, Personality and character tests
published PopTesti.ru
Psychologists always emphasize the importance of feelings of love and self-respect for oneself. There is really nothing shameful in this. Such an attitude to life inspires self-confidence and inspiration to achieve your goals. But on the life path of each of you, you probably came across a person who cannot be called otherwise than a narcissist.
It is worth noting that excessive narcissism and the status of the self-proclaimed navel of the earth is what often irritates others and creates a ring of ill-wishers around your person. In other words, everything is good in moderation! We invite you to test yourself and find out with the help of the test how narcissistic you are and whether you should worry about this.
Subscribe to fresh tests in VKontakte , Odnoklassniki and 9Telegram 0016
Did you like it?
3 Points
Yes No
exconarcissistnarcissismpsychologynarcissistnarcissism
Don't miss
-
in Projective Tests, Psychological Tests, Personality and Character Tests
Projective Test: Build your own cabin in the woods and find out how introverted you are
How well do you know yourself? Are you more of an introvert, an extrovert, or maybe a little bit of each? This quiz asks you to answer a few simple questions and […] More than
-
in Psychological tests, Personality and character tests
Selfishness test online
Selfishness in small doses can be a virtue, but in large doses it becomes a curse for its owner and a test for others.
Who are you - an incorrigible egoist […] More -
in Psychological Tests, Mindfulness and Intelligence Tests
Perfectionism Test
Today we offer you to take a perfectionism test and find out how much you strive for everything perfect. Let's find out how much perfectionism you have and whether you can […] More
-
in Psychological tests, Personality and character tests, Picture tests
How kind are you to others? This unusual psychological test will try to evaluate your subconscious reactions
What do you feel for other people: indifference or sympathy? This out-of-the-ordinary psychological test attempts to assess your subconscious reactions to determine how open you are to […] More
-
in Psychological tests
Test: Are you controlled by emotions or logic?
Do you often act on impulse, or is your whole life calculated three steps ahead? What controls your behavior - emotions or logic? More than
-
in Psychological tests, Personality and character tests
Quiz: How lazy are you?
Each of us is a little lazy.
True, one finds the strength to overcome the desire to do nothing, while the other is completely immersed in laziness. Would you like to know on […] More -
in Culinary Tests, Addiction Tests
Test: Are you a coffee lover or a lover? Test your knowledge of coffee and its place in human history
Coffee is a healthy drink no matter how you look at it. In any case, he is definitely not alcohol, to be afraid of dependence on him. However, being addicted to […] More
-
in Psychological tests
Quiz: Do you have anxiety depression?
Depression, nervous tension is a frequent companion of modern man. This condition requires special attention. Indeed, when it passes into a clinical form without the intervention of doctors […] More
-
in Psychological tests
Test: What is your inner beauty?
Do you know what your inner beauty is? What power lies within you? Our test will answer these questions.
Shall we start? More than
how to find out if your boyfriend is a narcissist
Photo: Getty
The new lover seems so sensitive and understanding ... Wait until he starts to take offense and criticize!
Self-confidence is one of the most attractive qualities of any man. But in many cases it is difficult to determine where healthy selfishness ends and narcissism begins. Is your man really in love with you? Or maybe in yourself?
We asked the experts where an "inflated" ego comes from:
“Narcissism is born in response to the environment in which the child grew up,” says Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Selfishness. - If the child is not given sufficient independence, a false "I" is created in him. In this "I" a person puts all the qualities that he would like to possess. Narcissism is just a shell, inside of which is emptiness. A narcissistic person does not know what it means to be himself. And, as a result, can not express sincere feelings.
Keith Campbell, bestselling author of When You Love Someone Who Loves Himself, says the biggest problem in a long-term relationship with a narcissist is a lack of empathy. However, this does not mean that it is impossible to meet narcissists. On the contrary, at the first stage, everything can proceed flawlessly.
- They seem sincere and open and, even with a materialistic inclination, grab your attention. It's like chocolate cake: we know it's bad for the figure, but we keep eating it because it's so delicious! Campbell explains.
- Since relationships do not stand still, over time you begin to demand from your partner more participation in your life, in your problems, and immediately you come across a wall of misunderstanding, - the author continues. - A narcissistic person has already got what he wanted, and begins to show aggression towards those who encroach on his ego.
Unfortunately, narcissistic people don't walk around with a big "H" on their chests, so it's hard to identify them right away.
We offer a short quiz to help you determine if your "one and only" narcissist has the traits of a narcissist.
TEST: MEASURE YOUR PARTNER'S EGO
1. After the first date you...
A: Still trying to believe that such a unique and inimitable person paid attention to you.
B. Wow! Relax, because you are still not sure that the second date will follow the first date.
S. I am sure that you will become the love of his life.
2. YOUR SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WITH HIM IS...
A. For you, this is not so much a pleasure as a process of exalting him. Yes, he has an amazing body and moves like crazy.
Q. Fair play: You both give and take from each other.
C. Unforgettable! Mainly because he only works for you.
3. HIS FRIENDS ARE...
A. He quarreled with them even before he met you.
Q. It's like the characters from Game of Thrones met the characters from How I Met Your Mother. Their relationship is full of drama, hatred, sex, lies and betrayal, but they still cannot live without each other.
C. Evil! They have known each other since school and are still discussing their nightly adventures.
4. What about cheating...
A. He cheated on you three or four times, and you know it.
Q. Both of you are not without sin, but all this is in the past.
C. He panics at even the hint of adultery, not to mention "harmless" kisses.
5. When you accidentally meet your ex-boyfriend, he...
A. Immediately shows aggression and with the words “did you see how he looks at you?” threatens the unfortunate with physical violence. Everyone around, including your ex-boyfriend's wife and children, witness the awkward scene.
B. Just feels sorry for the guy. After all, he does not know what treasure he has lost.
C. Shows an awkward smile, but looks so pale, as if he is about to pass out.
6. You just got fired. You come home in tears and he...
A. Asks you to pull yourself together and leaves to watch TV.
B. Reminds you that you hated this job and wanted to quit yourself. At least you got paid a good release!
C. Helps you put together a good resume and pays for a spa weekend with your own money.
7. He spends his money…
A. On parties, expensive watches, gadgets and clothes.
B. To fix his old car, beer and pizza.
C. On you.
8. Your phone rings in the middle of the night:
A. You look out the window and see him standing on the threshold. You didn't text him back and he came to find out why.
B. Nothing serious, just his instincts.
C. You left a flash drive with an important client presentation at his house, and he came to return it.
RESULTS:
Most A:
Your boyfriend is a real daffodil. He is completely selfish and doesn't care about your problems.
Most B:
You're dating a classic dude. Your relationship flows without stress, but there is obviously more coolness in them than passion.
