Sex without a relationship
No Dating, No Relationships : NPR
Dating is an evolution of the courtship ritual; it became common for young couples — like this pair at a soda fountain in the 1960s — to go out for a movie or a meal as part of a courtship. H. Armstrong Roberts/Retrofile/Getty Images hide caption
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H. Armstrong Roberts/Retrofile/Getty Images
Dating is an evolution of the courtship ritual; it became common for young couples — like this pair at a soda fountain in the 1960s — to go out for a movie or a meal as part of a courtship.
H. Armstrong Roberts/Retrofile/Getty Images
Alyson Hurt/NPR
Oldest To marry:
District Of Columbia
Men: 30. 1
Women: 29.9
In general, in the Northeast the median age for marriage for men and women was higher than the national average.
Youngest To Marry
Idaho
Men: 24.6
Women: 22.8
Oklahoma
Men: 24.9
Women: 22.7
Note: Ages represent the average between 2000 and 2003 of the estimated median age at first marriage.
See the full table from the U.S. Census Bureau.
Do you think hooking up is liberating, degrading or no big deal? Take our poll.
Before dating evolved, a man would call upon a woman in her home, as shown in this 1882 engraving published in Harper's Weekly. Library of Congress hide caption
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Library of Congress
Before dating evolved, a man would call upon a woman in her home, as shown in this 1882 engraving published in Harper's Weekly.
Library of Congress
The hookup — that meeting and mating ritual that started among high school and college students — is becoming a trend among young people who have entered the workaday world. For the many who are delaying the responsibilities of marriage and child-rearing, hooking up has virtually replaced dating.
It is a major shift in the culture over the past few decades, says Kathleen Bogle, a professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University.
Young people during one of the most sexually active periods of their lives aren't necessarily looking for a mate. What used to be a mate-seeking ritual has shifted to hookups: sexual encounters with no strings attached.
"The idea used to be you are going to date someone that is going to lead to something sexual happening," Bogle says. "In the hookup era, something sexual happens, even though it may be less than sexual intercourse, that may or may not ever lead to dating.
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Young people from high school on are so preoccupied with friends, getting an education and establishing themselves, they don't make time for relationships.
New Goal: Fun, Not Marriage
"Going out on a date is a sort of ironic, obsolete type of thing," says 25-year-old Elizabeth Welsh, who graduated from college in 2005 and now lives in Boston. She says that among her friends, dating is a joke. "Going out on a date to dinner and a movie? It's so cliche — isn't that funny?"
It seems it's far easier to have casual sexual encounters or hookups, though several national surveys of college students found a stalwart 28 percent who remain virgins. The term "hookup" is so vague, however, it might well encompass someone's idea of virginity — it involves anything from kissing to fooling around, oral sex and sexual intercourse.
"For me, it's been anytime that I was attracted to a guy and we spent the night together," Welsh says. "It has been sex; it has just been some sort of light making out.
That's the beautiful thing about the phrase. Whatever happened is hooking up."
Bogle interviewed college students on a small and a large campus, as well as recent college graduates, to find out what was going on. The hooking-up phenomena has been traced back to the 1960s and the 1970s, when male and female students were thrown together in apartment-style dormitories, and there was a revolt against strict rules on having a member of the opposite sex in your dorm, lights out and curfews.
"What you see on college campuses now, even in some cases Catholic campuses, is that young men and women have unrestricted access to each other," Bogle says. Throw in the heavy drinking that occurs on most campuses, and there are no inhibitions to stand in the way of a hookup.
The alumni Bogle spoke with were less into hooking up after leaving college, but she says that's changing. It is catching on among young working adults, mainly because of the Internet and social networks.
The Evolution Of Dating
Dating itself represented a historical change.
It evolved out of a courtship ritual where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperon. At the turn of the 20th century, dating caught on among the poor whose homes were not suitable for entertaining, according to Beth Bailey's history of dating,
From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America.
Young couples would go out for a movie or dinner. The expectation was that dating, as with courtship, would ultimately lead to a relationship, the capstone of which was marriage. Precious few of these young women attended college.
According to experts, the main reason hooking up is so popular among young people is that in the United States and other Western countries, the age at which people marry for the first time has been steadily creeping up. As of 2005, in the United States, men married for the first time around the age of 27, and women at about 25 years of age.
Bogle says the hookup is what happens when high school seniors and college freshmen suddenly begin to realize they won't be marrying for five, 10 or 15 years.
Prioritizing Career And Social Life
Marriage is often the last thing on the minds of young people leaving college today.
"My first few years out of college was about trying to get on my feet and having a good time," Welsh says. Dating and a relationship interfered with that.
Avery Leake, 25, knows what this is like from the other side. He's in a relationship now, but he says that, in general, most of the young women he used to meet "just wanted sex. They're independent." Being in a relationship was not important to them, especially if it interfered with their careers or their pursuit of advanced degrees, he says.
Leake found that he was also up against women who had as much money as he had, if not more, and he says dating had just become too expensive. "You used to be able to get away with paying $30 for a dinner and a movie," Leake says. "Not anymore."
Empowerment Or Loss Of Intimacy?
A number of experts accept this relaxed attitude toward sex outside of relationships as a natural consequence of the sexual revolution, women's growing independence and the availability of modern contraceptives.
But Deborah Roffman, who conducts human sexuality workshops for middle- and high-school-age students and their parents, sees that as a distorted view of liberation.
"It's not a new model. I think most people would probably look back and agree that this has been a more traditionally, or at least stereotypically, male model," says Roffman. "What I've seen over the last few years is girls adopting a more compartmentalized view, and feeling good and empowered by it."
She's not convinced that this is a good thing for women, and says that being able to say yes is only one way of looking at freedom. She would feel much better if young men also were developing a greater capacity for intimacy.
Being able to engage in intimate relationships where men and women bring all of themselves to the relationship is the cornerstone of family, Roffman says.
But young people like Elizabeth Welsh don't see the hookup as an obstacle to future relationships:
"It is a common and easy mistake," Welsh says, "to assume that the value of friendship and those relationship building blocks have no place in longer-term relationships.
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If you're honest and open about what you're doing, and willing to commit to a relationship, she says, a hookup and friendship can be fused into a lifetime partnership.
Partnership Still The Ultimate Goal
At 25, May Wilkerson would like a relationship, but not a family — not quite yet. She's lived a lot of places: Argentina, Canada and Paris. Wilkerson says she hasn't found much intimacy with the men she's encountered.
In New York City, where she moved two years ago, people seem even more emotionally detached, and she thinks it is because so many of the people who come to the big city are focused on success.
"For many of us, the requisite vulnerability and exposure that comes from being really intimate with someone in a committed sense is kind of threatening."
And the thought of being in love with someone, Wilkerson says, "is the most terrifying thing."
Yes, she has been in love, but the guy wasn't quite into it. There was one older guy who was serious; he used to bring her cupcakes.
She couldn't work up an interest in him.
Today, Wilkerson says people hook up via the Internet and text messaging.
"What that means is that you have contact with many, many more people, but each of those relationships takes up a little bit less of your life. That fragmentation of the social world creates a lot of loneliness."
Hooking up started before the Internet and social networks, but the technology is extending the lifestyle way beyond the campus. Deborah Roffman says no one is offering this generation guidance on how to manage what is essentially a new stage in life.
The dilemma for this generation is how to learn about intimacy, she says: "How am I going to have a series of relationships that are going to be healthy for me and others, and going to prepare me" for settling down with one person?
Wilkerson doesn't really focus on the concerns of people like Roffman, who fear that hooking up doesn't bode well for the future of young people. She thinks young people will be able to sort it out for themselves.
"We all attended health class in middle school and high school. We know about condoms and sexually transmitted disease. Sex is fun, and a lot of people would argue that it is a physical need. It's a healthy activity."
Should You Stay in a Sexless Relationship?
Sex can play a different role in relationships. What goes on behind closed bedroom doors can vary from couple to couple, or even change between the same couple over time. Even further, your definition of a healthy sex life might not be exactly like your partner's. So, how can you tell if the lack of sex is harmful to your relationship?
Our views about sex are influenced by many factors, and it's hard to know what's normal when comparing your love life to those of your friends (or the extravagant displays of passion we see in movies). There are several reasons you might find yourself in a sexless relationship. Some couples become less intimate over time, while others are having less sex from the beginning.
You may even wonder if you should leave—but if something has changed between you and your partner, there are many ways to revive the spark. The first step is taking a look at your relationship to understand why you're not having as much sex as you want.
Below, read on for therapists Isadora Alman and Susan Krauss Whitbourne's advice on how to approach a sexless relationship.
Meet the Expert
- Isadora Alman, MFT, CST, is a board-certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and relationship therapist in California.
- Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. is a professor at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.
Why Is Your Relationship Sexless?
It's not uncommon to go through different stages in your love life. For some couples, it's normal to be less intimate, while others may see a decline over time. If you're wondering whether a sexless relationship is healthy, you'll first want to understand what's causing it: Examine your relationship from a few different angles.
Are you feeling too busy and struggling to find time for intimacy, or does it feel like your emotional connection with your partner is fading?
When life gets in the way, you might find that you're not as close to your S.O. as you used to be. Sometimes, we simply fall out of the habit. "This happens more often than you might think. Some event like an illness or a new baby will interrupt the couple’s normal sexual schedule, supposedly temporarily, but sexual relations just don’t resume," says Alman. Mental health issues, like depression or anxiety, can also impact sexual desire and libido.
If sex stops once children enter the picture, some couples find it challenging to view their partners as sexual beings rather than just parents of their kids. Postpartum depression, which can affect both parents, can also have an impact on desire for sex. "The sexual drought continues and, quite commonly, nobody brings the topic up until it becomes critical to one or the other. This situation can last for years.
" When sex is seen as a chore, it's important that both partners make time to be intimate. After all, sex is an essential part of connecting with the one you love most—and getting back in bed together can be exciting after some time away.
In sexless relationships, it's important to talk openly with one another to communicate what you both need (and seek help when it's necessary).
In other cases, a sexless relationship comes in different forms. One partner may no longer feel turned on by the other, or they may not desire sex because they're attracted to someone else. "The complainer usually gives a 'reason,' such as the partner’s weight gain or unwillingness to engage in the type of sex [they] prefer," says Alman. "A person can learn to love the partner again by focusing on what is loveable, what originally turned them on, or what might be changed that might reawaken love and desire."
There are also couples who never treated sex as a key component of love to begin with, and they may view their partner as a companion rather than a romantic mate.
Some people are fine with living in a sexless relationship; the key is ensuring that both partners are on the same page. On the contrary, other couples lose sexual desire for one another after infidelity. Broken trust can also break the desire to be intimate going forward.
How Important Is Sex in a Relationship?
While many of us love sex for its obvious physical benefits, it's also an important part of connecting emotionally with our partners. Many people view the desire and frequency of sex with their mate as an analysis of how healthy the relationship is. When we're intimate with our partners, we strengthen a unique emotional bond that comes with being physically close to one another. But how often we have sex doesn't always measure our happiness—and like all other things in love, our desires can only be defined by ourselves. "I think often what is being asked when the 'how important is sex' question is posed is: 'How often should my partner and I have sex in order to be considered normal?'" says Alman.
"Once a year or once a day; if whatever is happening between them is sufficient sex, there is no problem. Asking for outside validation is irrelevant." In other words, as long as both partners are happy, there's no need to compare the frequency of your sex life to others.
When you've suddenly lost the desire or are rarely intimate with each other, this may be an indicator that your connection is fading. "If a couple is celibate because their sexual relationship was unsatisfying or unfulfilling, then it stands to reason that they will experience high levels of sexual dissatisfaction," says Whitbourne. "[Emotionally], a couple may remain together in a sexless marriage because their partner is their best friend or their 'ideal' partner." That's not to say that you'll be stuck in a sexless relationship forever—if you're not getting what you need, consider discussing the topic with your S.O. There are plenty of ways to improve your sex life when you're in a rut.
How Important Is Sex to You?
Your happiness in a sexless relationship depends on what you need as an individual.
Even if your partner is perfectly fine with less intimacy, your desires are still an important part of keeping a healthy balance. You'll need to assess how important sex is to you before deciding whether your partner can meet your needs.
For some people, sex is an absolute necessity in a relationship. A romantic situation where sex is rarely an option is off the table. For others, having an emotional connection with their partner is enough to sustain a meaningful, successful, and long-lasting connection. Some couples even opt for open relationships to satisfy their sexual needs while being fully committed to each other emotionally.
When it comes to sex in relationships, the bottom line is that you have to decide what's right for you. There are no cookie-cutter answers; it all depends on the importance that you personally place on sex. If you're unhappy in a sexless relationship, try communicating with your partner to express your feelings. You may even seek support from a professional to determine what's holding you back.
Relationships are complicated—so having an expert in your corner can help provide the guidance you need to move forward.
The Most Common Marriage Problems Faced By Couples
Personal story: Sex without commitment, or How I regretted it
RELATIONSHIPS
Do you believe in open relationships? Would you dare to try sex without commitment? The author of this material was sure that such a relationship is what she needs. But in the end it turned out that she was completely unprepared for them.
Kami Suleimenova
April 29, 2022
Everyone remembers the cult series Sex and the City. When I first saw him, I was impressed by Samantha Jones. Then I believed in love and relationships, but gradually I began to see betrayals, betrayals and decided for myself that I would not become a girl who was cheated on. I'll be the one with whom they cheat! I remembered Samantha and realized that I wanted the same thing - easily, naturally, without obligations.
I've already had one-time sex, but I was looking for something permanent and without brainwashing. At that moment, the thought seemed win-win. Nobody will use me. This I will use the men. The first such experience was not long in coming. Oh, this first meeting with Arman! I didn’t like him right away: outwardly, not my type, character and habits are just a nightmare. But he began to court, and after the first date everything went to sex. We returned home, and I knew we would sleep. And so it happened. And then I said:
“Let's go without obligation? I'm on my own, you're on your own. Let's just have sex.”
Naturally, Armand agreed to this, what man would refuse? But I set a condition: a girl will appear - our sexual rendezvous ends.
At first everything went well. I met guys, talked, did not allow too much, because I was always satisfied. Armand meanwhile did the same. This arrangement suited both of us, and my friends even envied my hectic life.
And everything would be fine, but one day, approaching the house, I saw that his car was gone. Then I did not attach any importance to this, but it began to happen every day. I thought about where he was, with whom, what he was doing. And my trips to dates with other guys were not for pleasure, but to arouse his jealousy.
The full realization of the whole tragedy happened suddenly. That Sunday morning, I threw my clothes into the laundry, turned on Desperate Housewives, and started making pancakes for him. And then I realized that this is not just sex. He walks somewhere, with someone, does nothing for me, gets sex whenever he wants, and I play Martha Stewart in the kitchen. From the outside it looked very sad. I began to want more - tenderness, these joint evenings watching a movie or hot kisses somewhere in the park. And he didn't need all that. He has already received an obedient slave, and at what point in time this happened, I myself did not understand.
I desperately wanted love. I believed that it was possible if everything was done correctly
However, another disappointment awaited me. One night after a night together, we were in bed, each on our own phone. Suddenly, Arman began to show me photographs from trips to Kolsai, to Borovoye. I continued to flip through his gallery, but he did not seem to mind. Then I began to stubbornly open one folder after another, somewhere photos of half-naked and even naked girls (his ex) slipped through. “Well, okay,” I thought, and began to look further, not knowing what. And found. It was a photo taken a couple of days ago, at the moment when we had a fight, and I hoped that he was going through. In this photo, Armand and another girl are hugging, the next photo is a girl kissing Armand on the cheek, the next photo is a passionate kiss. Anger washed over me. I was even more furious when Armand said: “You should not be jealous - we are not dating.
Who are you to ask about other girls, what I do and with whom. We just have sex and nothing more. And this was the truth. At the same time, Arman swore that he would sleep only with me. And then I found condoms in the car.
At that moment, the little girl who had been living inside me all this time and trying to hide, burst out. She wanted to cry from pain, from helplessness and the realization that she had been betrayed again. But how so? After all, all this time I was perfect. An ideal toy, which is remembered when bored or sad. I could remind about the only condition of our sex “without obligations” and leave, but for the months of such a relationship, I no longer saw myself without it. I didn’t want to let him go, but I couldn’t say it openly, otherwise I would have definitely admitted that I was in love. And I was also afraid to hear the whole truth that I was not needed, that I was just a girl for sex.
There was only one option left - close your eyes to everything and continue playing this game
Our "relationship" continued for several more months, until he simply packed his things and left for another city.
I then allowed myself to cry for a couple of days, then gathered my will into a fist and decided that because of one bad experience, you should not give up "sex without obligations." A new partner was found quickly, but after a while I found out that he was going to get married, although he told me that he was not in a relationship. I didn't understand anything. What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Scrolling through the past, I realized more and more that I did not become the one who uses men. It was me who was being used.
My mental balance was undermined. I wanted to scream, cry and destroy everything around. I didn’t ask to look after me, give gifts or take me to restaurants. I didn’t throw tantrums, I didn’t sort things out, I didn’t smother with love and I wasn’t intrusive, but nevertheless, I was constantly replaced by someone else. None of the partners valued our relationship, none of them respected me and my feelings.
I was just like an umbrella. When it rains, they get me, and when the sun shines, I wallow, forgotten in the closet.
It seems to me that after all, sex without obligations for a woman is not the same as for a man
We feel and get used to, we begin to want care and attention. The male gender perceives such sex as really just sex, they don’t care about your condition, the main thing is to “attach your little friend.” And when you understand this, when you see that the partner is just spending time with you, and opens his soul to the other, you understand: you are not even a minor character in this story, but a prop.
I don't know if I'll ever decide to have this experience again, but I know for sure that you can't build relationships on sex. My former partners are now happy and hardly remember me, and I was left alone with myself and my destroyed self-esteem. Now I have a long period of recovery and search for myself.
Photos: Pexels
Sex without obligation: harm or benefit?
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Sex
By age 25, 70% of us have had at least one erotic one-night stand.
Casual and fleeting relationships happen all the time, but many of us find them unacceptable and regret giving in to temptation. We believe that sex with a regular partner is definitely useful - it makes us happier, strengthens relationships and health.
But why does casual sex, with a stranger or just a friend, lose all these benefits and become harmful? Is it really only love and deep romantic attachment to a partner that gives sex positive properties? Isn't there something good in the process itself?
Over the past ten years, we have learned a lot about sex without commitment from social research. But almost 90% of this information is based on student surveys. To expand the sample, a website was launched where people of different ages, from different social strata could share stories about casual sex: talk about their feelings and sensations both during and after erotic encounters.
Sometimes even in the absence of romantic feelings, a deep emotional and intellectual connection is formed
In the 10 months since the launch of the site, the number of views on the site has exceeded six million, and the number of stories from people from all over the world has exceeded 1200.
What conclusions can be drawn from these stories?
First, there are many potential benefits of sex without commitment. The most obvious is having fun. Orgasm, hedonistic ecstasy - you can call it in different ways. A new partner can teach us something in bed and become a good friend later on.
After casual sex, self-esteem improves, we feel more desirable, energetic and free. In addition, in old age we will have something to remember! And sometimes, even in the absence of romantic feelings, a deep emotional and intellectual connection is formed with another person.
One more thing - in our nature there is a passion for adventure, new sensations, secrets, risk, danger, the desire to discover the unknown. This need is satisfied by casual sex, in long-term relationships such elements are not enough.
Of course, there are risks too: a forced relationship, a broken heart, broken friendships, regret, embarrassment, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, social stigma, or a partner who doesn't respect you.
Most people think the cons outweigh the pros. But it's not.
A lot of research is devoted to how we feel after casual sex. All of them agree that both men and women subsequently are much more likely to have positive feelings (happiness, satisfaction), rather than negative ones (empty, disappointment).
Other studies show that sex without commitment has no long-term consequences for our psychological well-being: self-esteem, depression or anxiety. Of course, not all casual relationships develop in this way; there may well be people on whom they have a deeper effect. These are only average results.
What effect - positive or negative - casual sex will have on a person depends only on him. One of the critical factors is “authenticity”: how much what you do aligns with your beliefs, values, wants, and needs.
Sex without commitment is not for everyone, like any other sexual practice. Upbringing, life circumstances, natural inclinations matter. Some of us prefer novelty in sex, others are more comfortable with long-familiar partners.
Try to determine your place on this scale.
Intimacy and passion can and should be present in casual sex - this is not laundry!
Do you perceive casual sex as something interesting, worthwhile, exciting? Morally acceptable? Even if you never see that person again? If the answer to most of the points is “no”, it’s better not to risk it.
There is one nuance in heterosexual casual sex: only 40% of women achieve orgasm, while among men this figure tends to be 80%. There is a gap in romantic relationships with regular partners, but there it is two times lower. However, 90% of women who have had casual relationships still say that they enjoyed it - in one form or another. Over 70% truly enjoyed the process.
These are the results of a survey conducted among 20,000 students. But the gap still needs to be narrowed. Women need to learn to be more selfish in bed, and men need to learn to be more generous and empathetic to their partners, even if it's just a short one-night stand.
