Outwitting a narcissist
10 Ways To Outsmart A Narcissist. – Psych3Go
This article is designed for educational purposes only. If you have been affected or been the victim of narcissistic behaviour or abuse, please speak to somebody you trust or seek professional support. The points made in this article are pointers which may help you take back a sense of control as there are no permanent solutions to being involved with a narcissist. The solution would generally be to remove yourself away from them and have little contact with them, however this is not always easy and has to be your choice.
Anybody who has fallen victim to a narcissist or who understands the ‘ways’ that narcissistic behaviour works, known that they are smart, manipulative and will not give up on achieving what they want to.
Outsmarting a Narcissist is a considered to be science; you can’t use rational logic because unfortunately the narcissistic brain is pathological. Narcissist brains don’t work the same as our brains. We have to understand what makes the narcissist tick; what they are looking for in interactions with us and how their brain works (Kay, 2018)
This article explores ways to outsmart the narcissists by making yourself the focus rather than putting yourself on the same level as them.
1. The very best way to outsmart a narcissist is to heal yourself.
Whether this is healing the emotional damage caused by a narcissistic abuse in a codependent relationship or due to a dysfunctional upbringing, getting those behaviours under control you will alter your life totally and leave the narcissist behind in the dust (Kay, 2018). You do not need to put a time constraint on your own healing. Allow yourself time to understand what happened and have a period of reflection. Once you take the step to heal, also commit to look further than this relationship and understand why part of you allowed this to happen (Goddard, 2020).
2. Take precautions to reduce narcissistic supply.
If you respond with an emotion of defence or empathy because anything like that, will be feeding them narcissistic supply (Kay, 2018). Don’t try to defend the narcissist but instead mirror the narcissist. By doing this you reflect their anger back onto them where it belongs and they do not like it (Kay, 2018).
3.Don’t react and go ‘no contact’
Going ‘no contact’ may be difficult, but in the long term, it will remind you what it was like before you the narcissist in your life. Often, people find that inner peace that they have been longing for.
4. Use the ‘grey rock method’ if you can’t do no contact.
Any communication you receive, take a step back and don’t react. If you can ask someone to read your emails, letters, text messages and any form of communication (Goddard, 2020) then this will save you from having to be exposed in that situation.
4. Agree with them.
This may sound contradictory but there is method to the madness! Narcissists tend to take pleasure in shaming people; for example, a narcissistic parent may shame you for how strict or lenient you are with your own children. If they say this, agree with them. You will take the wind out of their sails (Kay, 2018). Often, they won’t know what to say or how to respond. This is the power of nonresistance; as you mirror their words back to them and show their behaviour for how it really is, there is very little that they can do about it.
5. Keep your cards close to your chest.
Don’t show your cards to a narcissist. As hard as it may be, don’r try to explain your reasons when they attack you for something as you cannot rationalise with a narcissist. The more you try to explain yourself the weaker your position becomes (Kay, 2018).
6. Challenge your own thoughts and situation.
Remember that narcissists are very fragile and insecure people, and they use other people to fill their hole. They blame-shift, it wasn’t them and they project their incomplete or missing parts on to you saying you have a problem (Goodard, 2020). Challenge yourself and ask yourself if this is true. If the answer is no, then you may start to see your situation with eyes wide open.
7. You need to remain very calm.
Do you feel like you have lost friends and family because you have remained in a narcissist relationship? Do you feel helpless or that you can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel? In these situations, it can be hard to remain calm but if you freak out in the presence of a narcissist, then you lose the game that they are playing with you and fall into their trap (Kay, 2018). When the narcissist accuses you of being angry, respond using a calm, unemotional voice. Do not say anything more do not try and explain yourself in anyway (Kay, 2018).
8. Find ways todisengage
One of the best things to do, is to separate yourself from the clutches of their power games. Narcissists will often victim-blame and use their stories to gain sympathy from you. The more attention you give them, the more they thrive and feed, just like a vampire needs blood. Any attention is better than not attention to the narcissist so if you can find ways to disengage from their fairy tales, the better it will be for you and you will zone into a new sense of reality.
9. Refuse to play.
Remember, if you are involved with a narcissistic in any way, you are immediately part of the game. If you imagine your relationship to be like a game of chess; the challenge is to see how many pieces they can remove off the chessboard and you are one of these pieces. Narcissists lack empathy and do not form emotional attachments; therefore will not care how they beat you and will take no shame in taking you out piece by piece. You can change the outcome by making simples moves and taking yourself out of the game. This will remove the power their hold over you.
10. Listen to your body.
Narcissistic abuse can leave emotional and internal damage. Emotional abuse can leave trauma inside the body so one of the best things you can do is listen to you body. Using techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, visualisation techniques can help reduce the emotional triggers and stress (Goddard, 2020).
Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I hope you have found it insightful. If you or somebody you known have experienced narcissistic abuse, then reach out and speak to somebody you trust.
Watch this space for the next article. Take care of yourselves and stay safe!
Goddard, E. (2020). How to outsmart a Narcissist. Retrieved January 20, 2021, from thriveglobal.com website: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/how-to-outsmart-a-narcissist/
Kay, D. (2018). 11 Ways to outsmart a narcissist. Retrieved January 20, 2021, from Daylight Out of Darkness website: https://www.daylightoutofdarkness.com/11-ways-to-outsmart-a-narcissist/
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11 Ways to outsmart a narcissistSkip to content
Outsmarting a Narcissist is a science. You can’t just use logic because unfortunately the narcissistic brain is pathological. It doesn’t work the same as our brains. We have to understand what makes the narcissist tick. What they’re looking for in interactions with us and how their brain works.
If you want the narcissist to feel the pain you have felt, you cannot achieve that as their psyche is so deformed that when they are supposed to feel pain they just go into cognitive dissonance or they just change the story in their head as to what happened, so they don’t feel pain. However, I can show you how to stay in control of the situation when you have to deal with the narcissist
Here are some pointers to allow you to take control of the conversation and interaction with a narcissist. These are not solutions which will help you to live permanently with a Narcissist. Your goal should be to get away from them and have no contact, or very restricted contact going forward for the sake of your own mental health etc.
1. The very best way to outsmart a narcissist is to heal yourself. To heal the emotional damage caused by narcissistic abuse. If you had a dysfunctional childhood or have spent a long time with a narcissist you may have acquired codependency behaviors, not be in touch with your authentic self, you may have developed learned helplessness, People pleasing Behaviors, and Low self-esteem. These are all subtle programs that may be running in your brain. Once you can get these behaviors under control you will alter your life totally and leave the narcissist behind in the dust.
Now for some hands-on techniques in dealing with a narcissist. Just a warning, always be wary of a narcissist becoming violent and should you believe this might happen be cautious to what you do and say. Take the appropriate precautions. These tactics will often have caused the narcissist to go into narcissistic rage and this will drain them if you do not respond in anyway. If you respond with an emotion of defense or empathy, anything like that you will be feeding them again narcissistic supply.
2. When the narcissist says something hurtful to you, say “You seem really angry” in a very calm and neutral way. What you do is to use whatever Retaliation reaction you feel like you would use to that comment and mirror it back on them. Say they attack your character. The first thing you would do is to feel hurt and then the hurt would cause you to feel anger. the retaliation reaction in this case would be anger. Now you use that word and ask the narcissist “are you feeling angry?” Don’t try to defend what the narcissist attacked in you. Instead mirror the narcissist. The narcissist wanted to make you angry so they could feed on your emotions for narcissistic supply, but when you do this you turned its back on them. By doing this you reflect their anger back onto them where it belongs and they do not like it.
3. If the narcissist is shaming you in some way instead of defending yourself you could agree with them. For example, say your Narcissistic parent is shaming you about how strict or lenient you are on your children. Totally agree with them. Say yes, I’m in absolutely awful parent, and empathize with their points. You will totally take the wind out of their sails. They won’t know what to say. This is the power of nonresistance and as you mirror their words back to them they know you are taking the Mickey out of them and showing their behavior up for what it really is, but there’s nothing they can do about it. The only place I would be careful about using this is while going through a divorce with a narcissist, as they may record what you’re saying for court and it may be misinterpreted by the court when heard out of text.
4. Don’t show your cards. don’t try to explain your reasons when they attack you for something. The more you try to explain yourself the weaker your position becomes.
5. When the narcissist is being very critical towards you and pointing out your faults. don’t defend yourself. You can say wow! you are being very negative today. Then leave it and go about what you were doing in a normal manner.
6. When the narcissist says something hurtful about you, you can also say to the narcissist that’s not very kind in a positive calm manner then leave it. If the narcissist starts to freak out or tries to talk to you more on this say nothing and just go about what you were doing as normal. Stay calm don’t show any emotion.
7. Remember that there is a reason and an ulterior motive for every conversation the narcissist has with you. When they are acting kindly towards you there is an alternative motive. Example emailing you with a very generous offer for resolution during your divorce and then retracting it later to say they can’t afford that, but then using that email in court to show what a generous wonderful character they actually are. If they’re being nice to you be suspicious of what the true reason is. Believe me it’s not kindness and it may come back to bite you.
8. Whatever the narcissist says to you is actually what they believe of themselves. So, when the narcissist is saying really bad stuff to you can automatically realize that they are talking about themselves. In my case the narcissist told me I had a personality like hydrochloric acid. Looking back, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is the one with a personality like hydrochloric acid. Can you see how blatant that is? This will help you to understand what the dynamics of their brain is, and it will also expose their weak points
9. You need to remain very calm. No matter how the narcissist is making you feel. How frightened you are. How much people are not believing you. How you feel you do not have the amount of finances you need in order to keep a roof over your head. How all your family and friends are turning on you. How much learned helplessness you feel? You have to remain calm. This has to be the biggest active your life. If you freak out in any way you lose. Doing this you feed the narcissist and you fall into their trap. If you miss behave cheat or lie even for a good cause, you fall into the narcissist trap.
10. Use one of the narcissist techniques back on them. Be careful about how you speak about the narcissist to other people. Especially those that are involved with the narcissist in some way and the judges etc. in a divorce.
Whenever you tell somebody about something the Narcissist did. First express how much you loved the narcissist and how much you wished the relationship could work. Secondly express one good thing the Narcissist does. Like they are so good at work. Then only state 1 to 3 things the narcissist has done to cause you pain and lastly make a weak excuse for the narcissists behavior. The reason you’re doing this is firstly the narcissist may have use this technique on this person prior to you. If you just come straight out with the issues you’re having with a narcissist you will look cold and Like you are the perpetrator, secondly by using this method you will show other people that you are a good person having love and empathy even in these dire circumstances. People are going to be more likely to believe you regarding the narcissist if you Structure your concerns about the narcissist in this manner instead of just going straight into the issues you have with the narcissist.
11. When the narcissist accuses you of being angry, you should say no I’m not in a calm Unemotional Voice. Do not say anything more do not try and explain Yourself in anyway. If they continue saying that just say nothing and continue with whatever you were doing in a non-emotional light hearted Neutral manner.
By using some of these techniques it will stop you from feeding the narcissist narcissistic supply and help you to stay in control of the situation.
If you do not feed the narcissist and you turn the mirror back on them you will see them starting to come apart.
These techniques will not help you in sustaining an ongoing relationship with a narcissist, but will help you to maintain your power when dealing with them.
Sending you light and love.
Delaney Kay (Daylight out of Darkness)
Need coaching visit: http://www.daylightoutofdarkness.com
Daylight out of Darkness YouTube channel link, furthering education and understanding of narcissism and the effects of, and healing from narcissistic abuse:
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- Rewiring The Brain – Changing Unconscious Behaviors Caused By Narcissistic Abuse
- The Narcissistic Family – Perfectly Rotten To The Core
- 11 Ways to outsmart a narcissist
- 5 Ways you keep attracting narcissists into your life?
- To all the narcissists I’ve loved before. Thank you! Your torture was a true blessing in disguise.
Hello there! I am Delaney Kay and it is my mission to create greater understanding of dysfunctional families. That is the understanding of individuals that make families dysfunctional, and the devastating long-term consequences of growing up in such environments.
I’m here to show you what a pathological mind looks like, as they are more common than you might believe, and virtually hidden from most of us.
I’m here to show you why your life is not working out as you expected it. Why you constantly attract unhealthy individuals into your life. Why you feel so hopeless and helpless in many areas.
I’m here to show you how to change the faulty brain programs which were installed from your childhood experiences. You truly deserve love, happiness, and fulfillment.
And now I send these blog posts to you with love, and wishing you great wisdom, healing, and happiness going forward.
For more resources see, and subscribe to my YouTube channel Daylight out of Darkness, or for more intense one on one coaching with me click on Schedule your coaching session now.Delaney Kay2022-04-26T23:22:47-04:00
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How I Tamed a Narcissist - Perverse Narcissists, Psychopaths - LiveJournal
A very ambiguous, to put it mildly, story from the last mail. I will deliberately not comment on it. I will express my opinion in response to your comments. I propose to go straight to the point.
“This story changed my whole life. Like many of you, I did not understand what was happening, but I knew that I had to stand at all costs and not break. I deliberately removed pain and bitterness from the story, tried to give more specifics. The story is tough, and I, as the author, can evoke ambivalent emotions in you. But to live with wolves - wolf howl .
...NLP course, a nondescript man circles around me. I have been married for seven years to a nice guy. But passion and emotion are gone. For two or three months he approached me, very carefully and unobtrusively. Studying my tastes, interests, making snacks and tracking the reaction. By the third month, I began to miss his presence. Outwardly, he repulsed me, I am an aesthetic and always chose spectacular guys. Not a hint of sex, only friendly communication - this inspired confidence in me. nine0005 Rubbing about the kinship of souls and "no one will understand us" blurred my eyes . Although there was a person in my life who asked not to be carried out and explained that this was a banal adjustment.
The first sex was unprotected and no. But I got used to it morally and could not finish what had just begun. Next came the notes. "Dwarf without an ass and with huge boobs", depreciation, disappearance. Criticism of appearance did not take me, I myself know everything more than myself, so he will not tell me anything new. I constantly repeated how unlucky I was that he was such an unfashionable freak, offered to go get Veneers and much more. It was neither devaluation nor retaliatory barbs. Just my honest opinion. nine0003
Going missing for a day or two unsettled me. I lay without strength. But she didn't call or write. I want to draw your attention: I never called or wrote first at all, at any stage. I lay and mentally died. But since childhood, I have a habit of keeping my face in any situation. Therefore, when he called after the disappearances, I was cheerful and never asked why he did not call.
Then he started to fuss, why doesn't the victim panic? Maybe she had a snout in the fluff? nine0005 I was faithful in body and soul, but did not disprove his suspicions : "When you're busy, kid, I'll always find something to keep me busy." I said it once, but intelligibly.
Then there were two or three days of the “honeymoon”, and he began to repeat: “Something is going well, something needs to be done.” I thought that he did not understand our happiness and persuaded him. On the fifth month, his criticism and disappearances came to naught... He didn’t enjoy playing with me, I didn’t give any reactions to it, I wasn’t going to amuse his pride.0003
I could be hooked in one moment. Jealousy. At first I tried to talk, asked not to provoke me. For I always take revenge for the wrongs inflicted s. You understand how he rubbed his hands. And right before his birthday, he floods me with a threesome.
I canceled the whole birthday party. We were supposed to fly together in a helicopter, then a restaurant. I canceled. I stayed at home until 9 pm, then we saw each other. I came without a gift and congratulations. That was the first time I hooked him up. He, like a child, was waiting for emotions and flying, I cooked it with love. And he did not believe that my hand would not tremble to cancel everything. nine0003
By the way, we didn't fly afterwards. I'll explain why. I dreamed about it. But so that he understands that my word is law, I always did what was declared.
Next, enter the third character: at the time of the quarrel, he tells me that he is going to his girlfriend at night. What????? I insisted and he gave her the phone. I talked properly, the girl put him out in disgust.
And then I started digging. I never check or control, but I need a clear understanding of the situation. I find out that with the girl with whom he allegedly broke up, supposedly before our relationship, everything continues with them. The girl, by the way, is good and pure, devoted. I ate it with gusto, but without much interest. Even read her my SMS about love in between sex. nine0003
Then I mentally died. Our paradise and the altar turned out to be a barn. And our love and unity of souls is a mirage. I helped the girl to free herself from his persecution, found her a good guy, to whom she moved. I was in touch with her all the time.
Then I gather the rest of my strength, call and say: "Darling, the game is over. You have been calculated for a long time, you were my clown through the looking glass ". And I paint his steps, but I don’t talk about my communication with that girl. I put everything in such a way that I have calculated everything for a long time. I was bluffing a lot, but I have it on an intuitive level. nine0003
I had an eight-hour telephone conversation, my manner was casual. It's the only thing I could do - keep my face. And at the end, I say past the phone: "baby, don't snore, turn to the other side. "
Narcissus is incomprehensible. What??? . I told you that my husband and I separated at the beginning of our relationship. It's true, but you left me often, and sometimes I needed comfort. Therefore, from time to time he spends the night with me. "
Checkmate Narcissus is morally dead. For 40 years he played with people as he pleases. And I never thought that they would play with him. He didn't expect this from me. And he did it right! No one slept with me, I just did the only thing I could. On an intuitive level, so as not to be a fool in his eyes. I bluffed.
The next month I was dying, I didn't get out of bed. We didn't communicate. He was picking himself up piece by piece after my betrayal. I had nothing to collect, my faith in people died. nine0006
Timid attempts to communicate on his part, and after a month and a half everything resumed. But everything has changed. He realized how much his games with me cost him and behaved respectfully, as with an equal. I realized that only I love in a couple. And if so, then worthless to all this and did not spare him.
At the first stage, being faithful to him, I tried to make him jealous, at the second stage I chose a different tactic. "For a month of separation, I overestimated everything and will no longer exchange money. Everyone is empty and primitive, there is no better than you. There will be no more betrayal. This is what I decided, I'm not doing it for you." In fact, I fed a few people, realizing that I needed moves to retreat. After our meetings with him, I blacklisted him, motivating either “no mood”, or “I had a bad dream”. Everything, like his excuses before.
Therefore, meetings with a couple of times a week eventually became daily. He just didn't understand dissonance. When I meet him, I love him and talk about his values. Only he is beyond the threshold, I am out of the house and into his block. I didn't play, I loved it. But she allowed herself to show emotions only at a meeting. When he left, I lived my life. His disappearances and betrayals stopped. The plan of his day was to travel around the city with my photograph, acquaintances and graze his treasure in front of my house. nine0003
When he got drunk, he played back. There were slaps in the face, the locks of the house were broken, my things were burned, a gun to the throat. I am without details, everyone understands what kind of horror it is, so only the facts. The more aggression from him, the harder I took revenge. She was leaving for a secret second apartment, he was in a panic, looking everywhere. Appearing back, she said that she was in a monastery, visiting her mother or on the moon. Before the disappearances, she always behaved gently on the last night, a contrast was needed.
When he caught up with me and put a gun to my throat, I was driving a jeep. I escaped and rode with the door open towards him. I wanted to move my legs. He ran all over the alleys. I had no idea at the time that he was a narcissist and manipulative. I just always give gratitude and do not remain in debt. For good with good, for evil with evil.
Then I flew abroad to rest, he knew where. She didn't invite him along. On the third day I go to the hotel, the Russian song "You are my universe" is playing in the columns. Our song, and he is waiting for me. He did not know the hotel, he went around hotels with my photo, looking for me. It was a week of paradise, and then I find out that he brought his common-law wife with him (they have been together for 17 years, the woman is suicidal, beats her, broken to zero. These are facts that I personally know, not from his words). It was a heavenly week, we had a goodbye fight and I didn't kiss him. He caught up with our bus on a motorcycle and blocked traffic. The doors open, he comes in and says: "Little, but a kiss?" It amazed me. nine0003
I flew away, he returned two days later. Immediately from the plane to me, he says: I told my wife about you and showed a photo. I couldn't live without you, they took away a part of me. I did not believe him, I knew him that he would never tell his wife. I say: if so, let's go and talk to her. Didn't cheat. He introduced me to his beloved, left me there as the mistress of the house. The wife was given a month to find a place to live and leave.
A month goes by, but nothing changes. I already wrote above that if I speak, then I do, no matter what it costs me. A month later, my wife has not moved out, and when he comes to visit me at home (we haven’t seen each other for a day), I say: “Come in, dear.” He: “What kind of other people’s things?” Me: "So these are not strangers. My ex-husband, his brother and godfather live with me.
Oh, you bastard, why are you screaming, you immoral beast???? What cheating??? One cleans, the other cooks, the third walks with the dog. You have a wife instead of a housekeeper, in your words. Well, it's the same with me!" In short, he kicked them out with a gun and brothers. , it is not clear what he was worming his way in. To which he said that he is my husband, and I’m just a cookie and unfaithful. Well, this is his favorite song, we remember that insults are up to me.
And then I say: the circus is over, we go to the department and write a statement about the persecution. He was released an hour later, and he came to me at night and broke the locks. Strangled, approaching from behind. I lost consciousness. Waking up in her pajamas, she ran out of the house under a passing car. Better such a death than a second suffocation.
I couldn't go home, he was sitting in the kitchen with a gun and waiting for me . I asked the man, he followed his actions.
I went to extreme measures. Told the fan what was happening - in detail. He did not really believe, it is unlikely that this happens in life. nine0005 When the narcissist was drowning me under water in the bathroom, I broke free and texted a fan. He came with people to pick me up. Narcissus put on a mask and cried, banged his head against the wall and yelled: I love her, she is a witch that has clouded my mind!
A fan took me away and gave me a person who protected me. Narcissus contacted a fan and turned against me with non-existent facts. It looked like this: return this witch to me, she will destroy you, only I can handle it. The fan turned away.
But the one he left to protect me remained. He stayed of his own accord, not listening to anyone. He calmed the narcissist, he could not approach me. Narcissus pinged often, always calling from a new number, I talked quietly, but did not see each other. I knew it was dangerous. nine0003
Addiction was hellish. Narcissus admitted that I "made" him, and I chose ways to commit suicide. The meaning of life for me was lost.
He wrote for two years, we saw each other sometimes, but I was always in a relationship with someone.
Narcissus put on the mask of a dear friend, but it was convenient for me: he always listens, always runs to a meeting in the middle of the night. There were periodically blacklists for a month or two, but the contact was not interrupted.
For him, I became not just equal, but higher than him, he dreamed of winning back. nine0006 After reading Tanya's book, I realized that this is not a dear friend, but a predator waiting for the moment.
Final. I call the narcissist and ask him to come to the given address within 20 minutes. At that time I had a relationship with another narcissist, but he is simpler than the first. The second narcissist began to play cruelly towards me, and it was necessary to cool him down. So, the first narcissist arrives on my call to where we live with the second narcissist.
And we collect my things, I announce that I'm going to the first one. The second is hysterical, we solemnly leave. I promise to see you one of these days. He takes off his friend's mask and begins control the same evening. I, knowing all the moves, blacklist him and immediately move out to live with a friend. nine0083 We didn't talk anymore.
PS I lived with my husband for seven years before the narcissist and practically without quarrels. I only wanted love and happiness. But she was forced to act by his own methods, so that it was as intelligible as possible. What is the secret of his power over me? I clearly realized this only after drawing a parallel with the second daffodil.
Incredible contrasts. In a ratio of 70/30. He acted out any feelings and emotions. I think he was involved in the process and convinced himself that at the moment he was experiencing declared feelings . There was empathy, and interest, and warmth. He bathed me in the bathroom, fed me with a spoon, combed my hair, knelt down to put on my shoes. It didn't feel like a farce. There was a clear feeling that a strong man was looking after and taking care of his little favorite toy. I felt loved and desired.
There has never been a boycott in sex. First, he knew that I would not ask twice. Second, sex was the only time I was emotionally open to him. The rest of the time I was always on guard, albeit with a sweet smile. nine0003
Finally, two fresh facts about him. He set their bulldog on his wife as an entertainment, he gnawed at her legs. Shot rubber bullets into her back as she tried to flee.
I didn't come across this type of people, my husband was a calm and balanced person. And then a whirlwind of emotions. My husband said that with a narcissist (I didn’t know about daffodils at that time) this is a well-thought-out tactic and manipulation. And I thought it was impulsiveness and he is a man of mood! I also felt the power to tame him. The strength of my spirit is my trump card and the object of his admiration (or envy). I got hooked on emotions, love, passion, hatred, everything went off scale. nine0003
One more nuance. He subtly controlled my mood and condition, a kind of vacuum formed around us, no one understood me like he did (so it seemed to me). Only after reading your book do I realize that the puppeteer was pulling the strings. Then for me was pure coin - my God and my executioner rolled into one .
...I asked the heroine what she thought of herself. What motivated her when she devoted herself and so much time to taming a sick person. At first, of course, it was possible to have a snack, and then what? nine0003
“And about myself, I think that I am a narcissist or a psychopath, I can’t define it yet.
But there is one caveat! After the narcissist, I feel my potential and I choose all subsequent men! And I never take simple good people, they are very nice to me, but I understand that I am dangerous for them. I potentially choose cruel cold moral freaks, but insanely attractive. And I start interacting with them.
I have an iron principle - no one! Never! - I am not the first to offend, I cherish them and treat them extremely carefully and sparingly. But as you know, then they begin to atrocity. nine0003
My arsenal of replies is very wide, and I never think over my answers in advance. I can release two-three-five cruel insults (not verbal, insults do not work on me at all). And then I give the answer. It is always unexpected and deafening, I try to do everything as beautifully as possible, I can’t stand meanness and cowardice.
I understand that I am flushing my life down the toilet and I want a warm sincere relationship. And sometimes I start them (now I immediately feel unmistakably what a person will bring into my life - positive or flour). But so far I can only interact with similar ones, while the state of happiness is unknown to me .”
Tags: life after narcissist, reader stories, revenge, parallel victims, perverted narcissist, ping, psychopath at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic personality, is experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to Everybody. nine0003
This is called "love bombing". Then the tactics change - the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.
There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back
When communicating with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for long - very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook. nine0003
1. Arm yourself with knowledge
The most important and first thing to do to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behavior and techniques.
You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won't be able to free yourself from their toxic hook - narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness. nine0003
Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless - they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.
2. Trust your intuition
Watch yourself — learn to separate feelings and deep inner feeling, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words. nine0003
Instead of listening to what they say, watch what they do. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior. Words are just a breach of your trust.
You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body tell you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening. nine0003
3. Don't put yourself in their shoes
Go back to where you belong. It's a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this - these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.
Don't try to guess what they have in mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations. nine0003
When you catch yourself trying to "get into the narcissist's head," do your best to distract yourself. It's hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they've taken over all the space inside your head.
4. Ignore messages
For the narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into the swamp of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist. nine0003
Do not listen or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.
Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy. Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say). nine0003
5. Protect your property and savings
If necessary, start saving money. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.
6. Silence is golden
When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love — this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate. nine0003
Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel
You can't move them. They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible - don't tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.
7. Who are you?
Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, what you want to live and die for. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in a relationship - what we are ready to tolerate and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else's will. nine0003
8. Be patient
Continue to observe and analyze. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately. This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of "great love to the grave", "faithful" friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.