Outwitting a narcissist

Timid attempts to communicate on his part, and after a month and a half everything resumed. But everything has changed. He realized how much his games with me cost him and behaved respectfully, as with an equal. I realized that only I love in a couple. And if so, then worthless to all this and did not spare him.

At the first stage, being faithful to him, I tried to make him jealous, at the second stage I chose a different tactic. "For a month of separation, I overestimated everything and will no longer exchange money. Everyone is empty and primitive, there is no better than you. There will be no more betrayal. This is what I decided, I'm not doing it for you." In fact, I fed a few people, realizing that I needed moves to retreat. After our meetings with him, I blacklisted him, motivating either “no mood”, or “I had a bad dream”. Everything, like his excuses before.

Therefore, meetings with a couple of times a week eventually became daily. He just didn't understand dissonance. When I meet him, I love him and talk about his values. Only he is beyond the threshold, I am out of the house and into his block. I didn't play, I loved it. But she allowed herself to show emotions only at a meeting. When he left, I lived my life. His disappearances and betrayals stopped. The plan of his day was to travel around the city with my photograph, acquaintances and graze his treasure in front of my house. nine0003

When he got drunk, he played back. There were slaps in the face, the locks of the house were broken, my things were burned, a gun to the throat. I am without details, everyone understands what kind of horror it is, so only the facts. The more aggression from him, the harder I took revenge. She was leaving for a secret second apartment, he was in a panic, looking everywhere. Appearing back, she said that she was in a monastery, visiting her mother or on the moon. Before the disappearances, she always behaved gently on the last night, a contrast was needed.

When he caught up with me and put a gun to my throat, I was driving a jeep. I escaped and rode with the door open towards him. I wanted to move my legs. He ran all over the alleys. I had no idea at the time that he was a narcissist and manipulative. I just always give gratitude and do not remain in debt. For good with good, for evil with evil.

Then I flew abroad to rest, he knew where. She didn't invite him along. On the third day I go to the hotel, the Russian song "You are my universe" is playing in the columns. Our song, and he is waiting for me. He did not know the hotel, he went around hotels with my photo, looking for me. It was a week of paradise, and then I find out that he brought his common-law wife with him (they have been together for 17 years, the woman is suicidal, beats her, broken to zero. These are facts that I personally know, not from his words). It was a heavenly week, we had a goodbye fight and I didn't kiss him. He caught up with our bus on a motorcycle and blocked traffic. The doors open, he comes in and says: "Little, but a kiss?" It amazed me. nine0003

I flew away, he returned two days later. Immediately from the plane to me, he says: I told my wife about you and showed a photo. I couldn't live without you, they took away a part of me. I did not believe him, I knew him that he would never tell his wife. I say: if so, let's go and talk to her. Didn't cheat. He introduced me to his beloved, left me there as the mistress of the house. The wife was given a month to find a place to live and leave.

A month goes by, but nothing changes. I already wrote above that if I speak, then I do, no matter what it costs me. A month later, my wife has not moved out, and when he comes to visit me at home (we haven’t seen each other for a day), I say: “Come in, dear.” He: “What kind of other people’s things?” Me: "So these are not strangers. My ex-husband, his brother and godfather live with me.
Oh, you bastard, why are you screaming, you immoral beast???? What cheating??? One cleans, the other cooks, the third walks with the dog. You have a wife instead of a housekeeper, in your words. Well, it's the same with me!" In short, he kicked them out with a gun and brothers. , it is not clear what he was worming his way in. To which he said that he is my husband, and I’m just a cookie and unfaithful. Well, this is his favorite song, we remember that insults are up to me.

And then I say: the circus is over, we go to the department and write a statement about the persecution. He was released an hour later, and he came to me at night and broke the locks. Strangled, approaching from behind. I lost consciousness. Waking up in her pajamas, she ran out of the house under a passing car. Better such a death than a second suffocation.

I couldn't go home, he was sitting in the kitchen with a gun and waiting for me . I asked the man, he followed his actions.

Final. I call the narcissist and ask him to come to the given address within 20 minutes. At that time I had a relationship with another narcissist, but he is simpler than the first. The second narcissist began to play cruelly towards me, and it was necessary to cool him down. So, the first narcissist arrives on my call to where we live with the second narcissist.
And we collect my things, I announce that I'm going to the first one. The second is hysterical, we solemnly leave. I promise to see you one of these days. He takes off his friend's mask and begins control the same evening. I, knowing all the moves, blacklist him and immediately move out to live with a friend. nine0083 We didn't talk anymore.

PS I lived with my husband for seven years before the narcissist and practically without quarrels. I only wanted love and happiness. But she was forced to act by his own methods, so that it was as intelligible as possible. What is the secret of his power over me? I clearly realized this only after drawing a parallel with the second daffodil.

Incredible contrasts. In a ratio of 70/30. He acted out any feelings and emotions. I think he was involved in the process and convinced himself that at the moment he was experiencing declared feelings . There was empathy, and interest, and warmth. He bathed me in the bathroom, fed me with a spoon, combed my hair, knelt down to put on my shoes. It didn't feel like a farce. There was a clear feeling that a strong man was looking after and taking care of his little favorite toy. I felt loved and desired.

There has never been a boycott in sex. First, he knew that I would not ask twice. Second, sex was the only time I was emotionally open to him. The rest of the time I was always on guard, albeit with a sweet smile. nine0003

Finally, two fresh facts about him. He set their bulldog on his wife as an entertainment, he gnawed at her legs. Shot rubber bullets into her back as she tried to flee.

I didn't come across this type of people, my husband was a calm and balanced person. And then a whirlwind of emotions. My husband said that with a narcissist (I didn’t know about daffodils at that time) this is a well-thought-out tactic and manipulation. And I thought it was impulsiveness and he is a man of mood! I also felt the power to tame him. The strength of my spirit is my trump card and the object of his admiration (or envy). I got hooked on emotions, love, passion, hatred, everything went off scale. nine0003

One more nuance. He subtly controlled my mood and condition, a kind of vacuum formed around us, no one understood me like he did (so it seemed to me). Only after reading your book do I realize that the puppeteer was pulling the strings. Then for me was pure coin - my God and my executioner rolled into one .

...I asked the heroine what she thought of herself. What motivated her when she devoted herself and so much time to taming a sick person. At first, of course, it was possible to have a snack, and then what? nine0003

“And about myself, I think that I am a narcissist or a psychopath, I can’t define it yet.

But there is one caveat! After the narcissist, I feel my potential and I choose all subsequent men! And I never take simple good people, they are very nice to me, but I understand that I am dangerous for them. I potentially choose cruel cold moral freaks, but insanely attractive. And I start interacting with them.

I have an iron principle - no one! Never! - I am not the first to offend, I cherish them and treat them extremely carefully and sparingly. But as you know, then they begin to atrocity. nine0003

My arsenal of replies is very wide, and I never think over my answers in advance. I can release two-three-five cruel insults (not verbal, insults do not work on me at all). And then I give the answer. It is always unexpected and deafening, I try to do everything as beautifully as possible, I can’t stand meanness and cowardice.

I understand that I am flushing my life down the toilet and I want a warm sincere relationship. And sometimes I start them (now I immediately feel unmistakably what a person will bring into my life - positive or flour). But so far I can only interact with similar ones, while the state of happiness is unknown to me .”

Tags: life after narcissist, reader stories, revenge, parallel victims, perverted narcissist, ping, psychopath at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic personality, is experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to Everybody. nine0003

This is called "love bombing". Then the tactics change - the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.

There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back

When communicating with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for long - very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook. nine0003

The most important and first thing to do to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behavior and techniques.

You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won't be able to free yourself from their toxic hook - narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness. nine0003

Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless - they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.

Watch yourself — learn to separate feelings and deep inner feeling, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words. nine0003

Instead of listening to what they say, watch what they do. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior. Words are just a breach of your trust.

You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body tell you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening. nine0003

Go back to where you belong. It's a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this - these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.

Don't try to guess what they have in mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations. nine0003

When you catch yourself trying to "get into the narcissist's head," do your best to distract yourself. It's hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they've taken over all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore messages

For the narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into the swamp of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist. nine0003

Do not listen or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.

Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy. Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say). nine0003

5. Protect your property and savings

If necessary, start saving money. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.

6. Silence is golden

When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love — this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate. nine0003

Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel

You can't move them. They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible - don't tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.

7. Who are you?

Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, what you want to live and die for. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in a relationship - what we are ready to tolerate and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else's will. nine0003

8. Be patient

Continue to observe and analyze. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately. This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of "great love to the grave", "faithful" friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.

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