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Personality disorder relationship difficulties


Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

personality disorders

Have a loved one who's been diagnosed with BPD? While you can’t force them to seek treatment, you can take steps to improve communication, set healthy boundaries, and stabilize your relationship.

BPD and relationships

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have major difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them. Their wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance. Partners and family members of people with BPD often describe the relationship as an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. You may feel like you're at the mercy of your loved one's BPD symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person takes steps to get treatment. But you have more power than you think.

You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between you and your loved one. There's no magic cure but with the right treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get better and their relationships can become more stable and rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to show improvements sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure.

Whether it's your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one with BPD, you can improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even if the person with BPD isn't ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment.

Learning all you can

If your loved one has borderline personality disorder, it's important to recognize that he or she is suffering. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain. In other words, they're not about you. When your loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain they are experiencing; it's rarely deliberate.

Learning about BPD won't automatically solve your relationship problems, but it will help you understand what you're dealing with and handle difficulties in more constructive ways.

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Recognizing the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder is not always easy. BPD is rarely diagnosed on its own, but often in conjunction with co-occurring disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, an eating disorder, or substance abuse. Your family member or loved one with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can often trigger intense reactions.

Once upset, borderline people are often unable to think straight or calm themselves in a healthy way. They may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways. This emotional volatility can cause turmoil in their relationships and stress for family members, partners, and friends.

Many people in a close relationship with someone who suffers from BPD often know that there’s something wrong with their loved one, but have no idea what it is or if there is even a name for it. Learning a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder can come as a source of both relief and hope.

Does your loved one have borderline personality disorder?

In your relationship:

  1. Do you feel like you have to tiptoe around your loved one, watching every little thing you say or do for fear of setting them off? Do you often hide what you think or feel in order to avoid fights and hurt feelings?
  2. Does your loved one shift almost instantaneously between emotional extremes? For example, are they calm one moment, raging the next, then suddenly despondent? Are these rapid mood swings unpredictable and seemingly irrational?
  3. Does your loved one tend to view you as all good or bad, with no middle ground? For example, either you're “perfect,” and the only one they can count on, or you're “selfish” and “unfeeling” and never truly loved them.
  4. Do you feel like you can't win: that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you? Does it feel as if your loved one's expectations are constantly changing, so you're never sure how to keep the peace?
  5. Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don't even make sense? Does the person accuse you of doing and saying things you never did? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure your partner?
  6. Do you feel manipulated by fear, guilt, or outrageous behavior? Does your loved one make threats, fly into violent rages, make dramatic declarations, or do dangerous things when they think you're unhappy or may leave?

If you answer “yes” to most of these questions, your partner or family member might have borderline personality disorder.

[Read: Borderline Personality Disorder Test]

To help someone with BPD, first take care of yourself

When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder, it's all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness.

You can't help someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when you're run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an in-flight emergency, you must “put on your own oxygen mask first.”

Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.

You're allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. It's not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD relationship, you'll both benefit from your improved perspective.

Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others who understand what you're going through can go a long way. If you can't find an in-person support group in your area, you may want to consider joining an online BPD community.

Don't neglect your physical health. Eating healthfully, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when you're caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When you're healthy and well rested, you're better able to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.

Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behavior will only increase your loved one's anger or agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as it's happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.

Remember the 3 C's rule

Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline person. You may question what you did to make the person so angry, think you somehow deserve the abuse, or feel responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment.

But it's important to remember that you're not responsible for another person. The person with BPD is responsible for their own actions and behaviors.

The 3 C's are:

  1. I didn't cause it.
  2. I can't cure it.
  3. I can't control it.

Source: Out of the Fog

Communicating with someone who has BPD

Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation. They may say things that are cruel, unfair, or irrational. Their fear of abandonment can cause them to overreact to any perceived slight, no matter how small, and their aggression can result in impulsive fits of rage, verbal abuse, or even violence.

The problem for people with BPD is that the disorder distorts both the messages they hear and those they try to express. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to “having ‘aural dyslexia,' in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.”

Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship.

Communication tips

It's important to recognize when it's safe to start a conversation. If your loved one is raging, verbally abusive, or making physical threats, now is not the time to talk. Better to calmly postpone the conversation by saying something like, “Let's talk later when we're both calm. I want to give you my full attention but that's too hard for me to do right now. ”

When things are calmer:

Listen actively and be sympathetic. Avoid distractions such as the TV, computer, or cell phone. Try not to interrupt or redirect the conversation to your concerns. Set aside your judgment, withhold blame and criticism, and show your interest in what's being said by nodding occasionally or making small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh huh.” You don't have to agree with what the person is saying to make it clear that you're listening and sympathetic.

Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words he or she is using. People with BPD need validation and acknowledgement of the pain they're struggling with. Listen to the emotion your loved one is trying to communicate without getting bogged down in attempting to reconcile the words being used.

Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don't point out how you feel that they're wrong, try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they're saying is totally irrational.

Do your best to stay calm, even when the person with BPD is acting out. Avoid getting defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms, no matter how unfair you feel they are. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to cool down.

Seek to distract your loved one when emotions rise. Anything that draws your loved one's attention can work, but distraction is most effective when the activity is also soothing. Try exercising, sipping hot tea, listening to music, grooming a pet, painting, gardening, or completing household chores.

Talk about things other than the disorder. You and your loved one's lives aren't solely defined by the disorder, so make the time to explore and discuss other interests. Discussions about light subjects can help to diffuse the conflict between you and may encourage your loved one to discover new interests or resume old hobbies.

Don't ignore self-destructive behaviors and suicidal threats

If you believe your loved one is at an immediate risk for suicide Do NOT leave the person alone. Call your loved one's therapist or:

  • In the U.S., dial 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.
  • In other countries, call your country's emergency services number or visit IASP to find a suicide prevention helpline.

Setting healthy boundaries with a borderline loved one

One of the most effective ways to help a loved one with BPD gain control over their behavior is to set and enforce healthy limits or boundaries. Setting limits can help your loved one better handle the demands of the outside world, where schools, work, and the legal system, for example, all set and enforce strict limits on what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Establishing boundaries in your relationship can replace the chaos and instability of your current situation with an important sense of structure and provide you with more choices about how to react when confronted by negative behavior. When both parties honor the boundaries, you'll be able to build a sense of trust and respect between you, which are key ingredients for any meaningful relationship.

Setting boundaries is not a magic fix for a relationship, though. In fact, things may initially get worse before they get better. The person with BPD fears rejection and is sensitive to any perceived slight. This means that if you've never set boundaries in your relationship before, your loved one is likely to react badly when you start. If you back down in the face of your loved one's rage or abuse, you'll only be reinforcing their negative behavior and the cycle will continue. But, remaining firm and standing by your decisions can be empowering to you, benefit your loved one, and ultimately transform your relationship.

How to set and reinforce healthy boundaries

Talk to your loved one about boundaries at a time when you're both calm, not in the heat of an argument. Decide what behavior you will and will not tolerate from the person and make those expectations clear. For example, you may tell your loved one, “If you can't talk to me without screaming abuse at me, I will walk out.”

Do…

  • Calmly reassure the person with BPD when setting limits. Say something like, “I love you and I want our relationship to work, but I can't handle the stress caused by your behavior. I need you to make this change for me.”
  • Make sure everyone in the family agrees on the boundaries—and how to enforce the consequences if they're ignored.
  • Think of setting boundaries as a process rather than a single event. Instead of hitting your loved one with a long list of boundaries all at once, introduce them gradually, one or two at a time.

Don't…

  • Make threats and ultimatums that you can't carry out. As is human nature, your loved one will inevitably test the limits you set. If you relent and don't enforce the consequences, your loved one will know the boundary is meaningless and the negative behavior will continue. Ultimatums are a last resort (and again, you must be prepared to follow through).
  • Tolerate abusive behavior. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse or physical violence. Just because your loved one's behavior is the result of a personality disorder, it doesn't make the behavior any less real or any less damaging to you or other family members.
  • Enable the person with BPD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. If your loved one won't respect your boundaries and continues to make you feel unsafe, then you may need to leave. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but your self-care should always take priority.

Supporting your loved one's BPD treatment

Borderline personality disorder is highly treatable, yet it's common for people with BPD to avoid treatment or deny that they have a problem. Even if this is the case with your loved one, you can still offer support, improve communication, and set boundaries while continuing to encourage your friend or family member to seek professional help.

While medication options are limited, the guidance of a qualified therapist can make a huge difference to your loved one's recovery. BPD therapies, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and schema-focused therapy, can help your loved one work through their relationship and trust issues and explore new coping techniques. In therapy, they can learn how to calm the emotional storm and self-soothe in healthy ways.

How to support treatment

If your loved one won't acknowledge that they have a problem with BPD, you may want to consider couple's therapy. Here, the focus is on the relationship and promoting better communication, rather than on your loved one's disorder. Your partner may more readily agree to this and eventually consider pursuing BPD therapy in the future.

Encourage your loved one to explore healthy ways of handling stress and emotions by practicing mindfulness and employing relaxation techniques such as yoga, deep breathing, or meditation. Sensory-based stimulation can also help them to relieve stress in the moment. Again, you can participate in any of these therapies with your loved one, which can strengthen your bond and may encourage them to pursue other avenues of treatment as well.

By developing an ability to tolerate distress, your loved one can learn how to press pause when the urge to act out or behave impulsively strikes. HelpGuide's free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit offers a step-by-step, self-guided program to teach your loved one how to ride the “wild horse” of overwhelming feelings while staying calm and focused.

Setting goals for BPD recovery: Go slowly

When supporting your loved one's recovery, it's important to be patient and set realistic goals. Change can and does happen but, as with reversing any kind of behavior pattern, it takes time.

  • Take baby steps rather than aiming for huge, unattainable goals that set you and your loved one up for failure and discouragement. By lowering expectations and setting small goals to be achieved step by step, you and your loved one have a greater chance of success.
  • Supporting your loved one's recovery can be both extremely challenging and rewarding. You need to take care of yourself, but the process can help you grow as an individual and strengthen the relationship between you.

Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A, Lawrence Robinson, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

      • References

        Personality Disorders. (2013). In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. American Psychiatric Association. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787.x18_Personality_Disorders

        Choi-Kain, Lois W., Ellen F. Finch, Sara R. Masland, James A. Jenkins, and Brandon T. Unruh. “What Works in the Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder.” Current Behavioral Neuroscience Reports 4, no. 1 (March 1, 2017): 21–30. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40473-017-0103-z

        Stoffers-Winterling, Jutta M., Birgit A. Völlm, Gerta Rücker, Antje Timmer, Nick Huband, and Klaus Lieb. “Psychological Therapies for People with Borderline Personality Disorder.” Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, no. 8 (2012). https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.CD005652.pub2

        Kulacaoglu, Filiz, and Samet Kose. “Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): In the Midst of Vulnerability, Chaos, and Awe.” Brain Sciences 8, no. 11 (November 18, 2018): 201. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci8110201

        Bozzatello, Paola, Silvio Bellino, Marco Bosia, and Paola Rocca. “Early Detection and Outcome in Borderline Personality Disorder.” Frontiers in Psychiatry 10 (2019): 710. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00710

        Ripoll, Luis H. “Psychopharmacologic Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder.” Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience 15, no. 2 (June 2013): 213–24. https://www.ncbi. nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3811092/

        Ng, Fiona Y. Y., Marianne E. Bourke, and Brin F. S. Grenyer. “Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder: A Systematic Review of the Perspectives of Consumers, Clinicians, Family and Carers.” PLOS ONE 11, no. 8 (August 9, 2016): e0160515. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0160515

        Sutherland, Ruth, John Baker, and Sharon Prince. “Support, Interventions and Outcomes for Families/Carers of People with Borderline Personality Disorder: A Systematic Review.” Personality and Mental Health 14, no. 2 (2020): 199–214. https://doi.org/10.1002/pmh.1473

        Angstman, Kurt, and Norman H. Rasmussen. “Personality Disorders: Review and Clinical Application in Daily Practice.” American Family Physician 84, no. 11 (December 1, 2011): 1253–60. https://www.aafp.org/afp/2011/1201/p1253.html

      Borderline Personality Disorder – Overview of symptoms, causes, and treatment. (National Institute of Mental Health)

      Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) –Explains borderline personality disorder (BPD) including possible causes, how you can access treatment and support, and tips for helping yourself. (Mind)

      What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? – A comprehensive article with ten shot videos. (Behavioral Tech)

      Helplines and support

      In the U.S.: Call the NAMI HelpLine at 1-800-950-6264

      UK: Call the the Mind infoline at 0300 123 3393

      Australia: Call the Sane Helpline at 1800 187 263

      Canada: Find Your CMHA for a helpline near you

      India: Call the Vandrevala Foundation Helpline at 1860 2662 345 or 1800 2333 330

      Last updated: December 15, 2022

      How to Make It Work

      People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often have rocky relationships, both romantic and platonic. Romantic relationships present a unique set of challenges for people with BPD and for their partners.

      Symptoms of BPD can cause constant changes in emotions.

      For example, a person with BPD may be affectionate and doting, but within a few hours, their emotional state may switch. They may feel smothered or overwhelmed. This can lead them to push away the partner they had just been drawing closer.

      With treatment and continual support from family and partners, people with BPD can have successful relationships. Read on to find out how it’s possible and what you can do if you or your partner has BPD.

      Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition that affects the way a person processes everyday emotions and reactions.

      People with BPD are often impulsive and emotionally unstable. They may have intense episodes of anger, anxiety, and depression. These episodes can last several hours and be followed by a more stable period.

      These episodes could also last several days and negatively affect the person’s work, relationships, or physical health. Some people with BPD are prone to self-injury, accidents, and fights. Suicide is also more common among people with BPD.

      Another way to understand how a person with BPD experiences life is to realize they have a more difficult time returning to an emotional baseline.

      When something exciting or positive happens, they may experience greater joy for longer. But the opposite is also true: If something bad happens, they may have trouble bouncing back.

      For friends, family members, and potential partners of someone with BPD, these emotional peaks and valleys may seem chaotic, which can lead to intense, conflict-filled relationships.

      A romantic relationship with someone with BPD can be, in a word, stormy. It’s not uncommon to experience a great deal of turmoil and dysfunction.

      However, people with BPD can be exceptionally caring, compassionate, and affectionate. In fact, some people find this level of devotion from a partner pleasant. A person with BPD may also be very physical and eager to spend a lot of time with their partner.

      At the same time, people with BPD are sensitive to abandonment or rejection. Many are hyperfocused on perceived signs that a romantic partner isn’t happy or may leave them.

      When a person with BPD senses a shift in their partner’s feelings, whether real or imagined, they may immediately withdraw. They can become angry and hurt over something a person without BPD would not react to. They can even become obsessive.

      These emotional switchbacks can be difficult to handle. Sometimes they can lead to uncomfortable public scenes. The impulsive behavior of a person with BPD may put that person or their partner at risk, too.

      However, the stability of a partner may have a positive effect on the emotional sensitivities people with BPD experience. It may require a great deal of work from both partners, but long-term relationships and marriages are possible for people with BPD.

      The most common BPD behaviors and symptoms could be detrimental to any relationship. If you have been diagnosed with the condition, you likely know this already. People with BPD are more likely to have many romantic relationships, which are often short-lived.

      This could be because you purposefully broke off the relationship for fear your partner might do it first. It could also be because your partner wasn’t comfortable facing so much difficulty.

      It’s important to know that you can have a healthy relationship despite your personality disorder. Treatment, along with a strong support network, can help you find stability in your emotional state and in your relationships.

      Treatment won’t cure BPD, but these options can help you learn to cope with the symptoms and react in ways that aren’t as harmful to you or your partner.

      treatment for bpd

      The most common treatments for BPD include:

      • Therapy. Dialectical behavioral therapy is commonly used with people who have BPD. A therapist will help you learn to respond to emotional situations with reason and proper judgment. This will reduce the dichotomous thinking (the belief that everything is black and white) that so many people with BPD have.
      • Medication. There is no medication that can treat BPD, but antidepressants, antianxiety drugs, and antipsychotics may help treat some of the symptoms.
      • Hospitalization. If you begin showing signs of self-harm or suicidal ideation, a doctor may hospitalize you for observation and intensive therapy.

      If you or your partner has BPD, you can find ways to cope with the cycles of emotions that the condition causes. This can help you build a stronger, more resilient connection.

      ways to improve bpd relationships
      • Learn about BPD. Part of caring for a partner with BPD is understanding what they’re experiencing. Understanding the level of emotional disorder they experience can help you respond in a way that protects both of you from additional chaos.
      • Seek professional help. Therapy can help people with BPD learn to better process emotions and events that upset them. Partners of people with BPD can also benefit from therapy. A professional can help a partner understand how to react, understand, and be supportive.
      • Offer emotional support. Someone with BPD may feel very isolated because of their past. Offer your partner understanding and patience. It is possible for them to learn and have better behaviors.

      People with BPD are good and compassionate, and they can have healthy relationships. It takes work, and lifelong challenges will remain.

      Therapists and doctors can work with you or your partner to develop a treatment plan. These healthcare providers can help you address the BPD symptoms that are most damaging to you and to your relationship.

      How Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Relationships

      Borderline Personality Disorder embodies the most poignant paradox: those who suffer from it crave intimacy, but their attempts to fill the inner emptiness repel those closest to them. Partner stability can weaken the self-tightening loop in which such people find themselves.

      The difference between healthy fears and borderline

      "Borderline people never feel satisfied," says psychotherapist and sociologist Ross Ellenhorn. “They are looking for a sense of fulfillment in a relationship. But they don't fill them." nine0005

      Experiences of world instability and vulnerability experienced by people in borderline states generally reflect common human fears. “We are all beautiful and terrible creatures at the same time. We are all complex. Among the things that make us difficult is the habit of blocking our ability to understand others. We all sometimes want to be a receiver rather than a giver. We are all determined to act decisively if we are threatened with rejection.” The fear of being alone casts a shadow on even the most reliable relationships, and healthy people are also subject to it. The difference between them and people with borderline disorder is that when it seems to them that their friends are avoiding them or employees look askance, the former simply know how to slow down their emotions, while the latter are covered with their heads and they begin to act in a way that is not characteristic of themselves. We all experience borderline disorders when we go through attachment trauma, but for people with a diagnosis, these emotions become a daily experience and make their life hell. nine0005

      Frank Yeomans, a New York psychiatrist, calls people with borderline disorder "romantic failures." All of them are looking for ideal love and passionately strive for it. But as soon as the person they are attached to is a couple of minutes late for a date or forgets to send a text during the work day, they panic. They get angry, stop eating, or simply run away from relationships, even those that were promising.

      Such black and white thinking is called splitting. A friend or partner becomes either the embodiment of the ideal, or the embodiment of the worst nightmare. The borderline cannot integrate positive love experiences with negative ones such as frustration and anger. And since relationships involve a full range of emotions, they have to be put up with. nine0005

      Mechanisms of the disorder

      The way people with BPD perceive the world reflects malfunctions in the brain. Normally, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for self-control and decision making, controls the limbic system, which generates primary emotions centered in the amygdala. “In borderline disorder, the influence of the prefrontal cortex on the amygdala is weakened,” explains neuroscientist Sarah Finberg. Brain scans show increased amygdala activity, which distorts the perception of certain social activities. Therefore, people with this disorder may read a calm expression as angry and feel excluded from the social circle. nine0005

      At risk are people who were abused at an early age and felt neglected. Children try to cope with the unpredictability of their parents' behavior - to understand them and adapt to changing circumstances. This experience has a positive effect on the development of emotional intelligence. But if children fail again and again in their attempts to adapt, they conclude that such a strategy simply does not work. And they remember that the constant search for strategies to keep the attention of the parent costs them too much. nine0005

      They may conclude that romantic relationships are too exhausting and prefer sleep, healthy eating, and meditation.

      Positive aspects

      Borderline disorder is treated with psychotherapy. Medications can help relieve symptoms such as anxiety, but dialectical behavioral therapy works in the long run. It involves the training of consciousness, stress resistance, conflict resolution and control of emotions.

      But living with borderline disorder also offers some opportunities for growth. In every relationship, each partner has individual needs, but for a couple to thrive, partners must feel and nurture their unity. Psychiatrist Grant Brenner notes, “Living with borderline disorder means putting in the effort and overcoming challenges together, strengthening the bond and, eventually, the relationship. Two developmentally focused people can use the challenges of borderline to their advantage.” nine0005

      Advice for those in a relationship with a borderline person

      Strike while it's cold. People with this diagnosis have difficulty thinking clearly when their emotions are at their peak. Avoid discussing relationship problems until your partner feels safe, and don't take anything they say about you personally when they're stressed.

      Repeat that it's okay to be imperfect. Every relationship gives rise to many hopes for what the partner will be like. But realizing that relationships involve a range of emotions and sometimes people can be bored with each other and that's okay relieves stress. nine0005

      Beware of being trapped. People with borderline disorder may threaten suicide to keep your attention. If you're staying with your partner just because you're afraid they won't survive without you, it's time to seek help.

      Stay curious. Having to constantly deal with the fact that your partner is furious or feeling helpless can cause you to panic. But try to step back from these experiences and ask your partner what is going on inside him. “Your curiosity will be his medicine,” says Dr. Ross Ellenhorn. nine0005

      Source: psychologytoday.com

      - See also: Devotion to Self: How to stop living for others

      Borderline personality disorder in close relationships.

      Karen Dempsey October 20, 2022

      For a person living with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), life can be hectic and chaotic even at the best of times. People with BPD can experience a wide range of symptoms, including loneliness, guilt, impulsivity, and rage, just to name a few. As you can imagine, people with BPD can also face a number of challenges when it comes to romantic relationships. nine0005

      In this blog, we'll look at what BPD is and what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Can people with BPD have relationships at all?

      What is BPD?

      BPD is a condition that affects how people regulate, interpret and deal with their emotions. One source suggests that BPD sufferers may experience this as third-degree burns all over their bodies—they lack protective emotional skin and feel agony at the slightest touch. nine0005

      What to Expect in the BRP Relationship Cycle

      It is often observed that relationships with a person who suffers from BPD go in cycles. At one moment a person can be incredibly loving and caring, but at the next he begins to harass and push his partner away. Here is what you may encounter at every stage of a relationship:

      • The first stages of a relationship
        Often in the early stages of a relationship, things can move very quickly compared to other relationships. People with BPD can sometimes mistake initial attraction for true love. nine0079
      • The second stage of the relationship
        The BPD sufferer is more likely to behave obsessively and become hypervigilant to anything that he perceives as negative behavior. For example, he may take it personally if you do not immediately respond to his messages or calls. His fear of abandonment and low self-esteem may manifest as him convincing himself that you no longer want to be with him, whether there is any actual evidence for this or not. nine0079
      • The third stage of a relationship
        To try to bridge the "chasm" in a relationship, a person with Borderline Disorder may begin to withdraw or fight. He hopes this will make his partner "fight" for the relationship and, in turn, help him stop worrying.
      • The fourth stage of a relationship
        That's when relationships can start to crumble. Without reassurance or a grand gesture of love, BPD sufferers may be convinced that the relationship is ending. Worst of all, they think it's their fault, while with their partner (who probably has no idea what's going on in their head) they maintain a façade of happiness. However, inside the person feels lonely and devastated. nine0079
      • The fifth stage of the relationship
        At this moment, the relationship may collapse. The BPD sufferer will pull away without explanation and the partner will leave. In an attempt to salvage elements of the relationship, the person with BPD may try to explain what happened, but this is often not enough to restore the relationship.
      • The sixth stage of a relationship
        When alone, the borderline sufferer is likely to go through a period of strong emotions and mood swings. This may manifest itself in different ways. Some may lash out at friends and family, while others act in a self-destructive manner or take further risks. nine0079

      BPD partner support and relationship cycle navigation

      If your partner has borderline personality disorder, the most effective thing you can do is become familiar with the disorder and its cycles so that you can also understand how your partner feels.

      Provide space for both of you to talk openly and honestly about your feelings. This can give your partner the confirmation they need and also allow you to reassure them that everything is fine. A psychologist can help with this through joint and individual counseling; giving you both the support you need to continue a fulfilling relationship. nine0005

      While being in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder may mean that you will go through some pretty difficult times, you are also dating someone who is likely to be exceptionally compassionate and full of love. Understanding the disorder and how it affects your partner is very important for a healthy relationship.

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      Featured by Karen Dempsey

      With a twenty-year career in print and online publishing, with a master's degree in creative writing, Karen Dempsey has worked as a journalist, editor, and copywriter, and has also led large editorial teams. She is a qualified, accredited and practicing psychotherapist with a master's degree in transpersonal integrative counseling and psychotherapy. nine0005

      Published with permission from The Awareness Centre.

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