Men that have affairs

The 3 types of men who have affairs (and how to spot!)

Even if you’re a sucker for a bad boy, deep down everyone wants to be with a good guy who treats you right. That includes being faithful, loyal, and loving.

90% of people agree that infidelity is wrong, but plenty of us still do it.

Can you spot a cheater?

In this article, we’ll look at the three classic types of men who do the dirty, and the warning signs to watch out for.

Infidelity from a man’s perspective

For anyone in a committed relationship, the statistics on infidelity make for uncomfortable reading.

Although it’s tricky to pin down precisely, it’s estimated anywhere up to an eye-watering 70% of married Americans will cheat at least once in their marriage.

The statistics available depend upon people owning up to it, but one study found that 75% of men admit to cheating in some way, at some point, in a relationship

Despite unfaithfulness being fairly commonplace, it seems we could be naive to the potential for our partners to stray.

Only 5% of people said they believe that their own partner had cheated or will cheat at some point in their relationship.

Whilst both men and women are unfaithful, figures suggest guys are slightly more guilty of it. And it seems the motives for cheating are also different between the sexes.

For women, it’s more likely to be an emotional reason that makes them look elsewhere. For men, it’s a strong physical attraction that tempts them.

What types of guys cheat?

1) The opportunistic guy

There’s a common misconception that cheating always springs from discontentment at home, but the truth isn’t quite so black and white.

The LA Intelligence Detective Agency highlights this:

“Statistics show that 56% of men and 34% of women who commit infidelity rate their marriages as happy or very happy. This makes the reason people cheat a little harder to dissect and comprehend.”

It seems you can be perfectly happy in your relationship, yet still end up cheating or having an affair.

In fact, one study looking at the reasons why people cheated noted that 70% of participants claimed situational factors were a key influence.

Cheating just because you can may seem shocking, but it lines up with similar findings that 74% of men said they would stray if it was guaranteed they’d never get caught.

More men recognized “opportunity” as a motive for their cheating than women.

As Fatherly notes, this can be one of the reasons guys get found out, as they’re not thinking it through:

“Men are more prone to casual and opportunistic cheating, which plays a big part in why they get caught. Infidelity, for some men, is evidence of recklessness.”

The opportunist cheater may not be on dating apps or taking his wedding ring off in bars trawling for women, but if he’s in the “right place at the right time” he’s going to seize the chance.

Just like this man who admitted to Women’s Health to having a fling on vacation:

“I randomly hooked up with a girl when I was on spring break in Florida. My girlfriend would have been there, but she was spending the break going around interviewing for summer internships. Why did I do it? The answer is that I was drunk, and I really don’t want to think about the deeper reasons there might be. Again: I’m an a**hole.”

Although he may feel some guilt about his actions, that is likely to fade along with the threat of being discovered.

There are particular cheating scenarios that the opportunist may find it hard to resist:

Getting attention from a woman (for example, a colleague at work or a stranger out in a bar), feeling flattered, and having his ego boosted.
Someone making obvious sexual advances and directly offering him ‘no strings attached’ sex.
Going out drinking and sleeping with someone as a one-night stand.

For the opportunist cheat, it’s not necessarily premeditated, but they also find themselves walking down a path where one thing then leads to another — much like this guy on Reddit:

“I’m a 37-year-old male, my wife is 48. About a month and a half ago I was out of town on the other side of the country at a week-long seminar for my job. I struck up a conversation with a very attractive 34-year-old woman. Never in my wildest dreams did I think anything would come of it. I have always been completely faithful to my wife and vowed, and assumed, I always would be. This other woman was also married and had four kids. Well, one thing led to another and we were back at her hotel room, had a few drinks, started kissing, and … I just didn’t seem to be able to help myself. I make no excuses for what I did, but I did have sex with this woman.”

Warning signs of an opportunist cheat

It’s potentially more challenging to spot the opportunist cheat as he often hides in plain sight. By definition, he is a regular guy who in the right circumstances will play away.

There are signs that you can look out for though, which largely center around him putting himself in citations where he has more opportunity to be unfaithful.

For example, if a guy is constantly going out with his friends alone and getting drunk, works away a lot, travels frequently away from home, or spends lots of time socializing at work functions out of office hours, etc.

As another factor in men’s cheating behavior is how committed they feel towards the relationship, this can also offer clues to spot the opportunist cheat.

The less devoted he feels to his partner, the more likely he is to take the opportunity when it arises. So if a man shows hesitation towards commitment in general, this can mean he is less likely to feel guilty for any unfaithfulness.

2) The horny guy

The horny guy is essentially your classic player.

He may enjoy charming someone else into bed for the sport of it, or because he considers himself to have a high sex drive that needs satisfying.

He’s often incredibly charismatic and a smooth talker. He is the man that’s hard to resist — personable, fun, exciting, and confident.

As well as the sex, the horny guy generally loves the attention being with someone else brings. It validates him and makes him feel good about himself.

If he considers himself to have a high libido, he may believe that his cheating is purely practical and animalistic rather than being an emotional betrayal to feel guilty about.

This type of man will argue that they find it difficult to be satisfied by one woman alone, and blame their high sex drive for their infidelity.

Around one-third of participants in an infidelity study said sexual desire was the main reason for their cheating.

Strong attraction and finding someone else hot is the sole motivation of the horny guy, rather than any more complex emotional reasons.

For the horny guy, infidelity is not a response to any particular problem within a relationship, it’s a response to their boredom. For this type of man, cheating is a way of fulfilling their desire for variety.

As one man anonymously confessed on Reddit:

“I’ve cheated on my girlfriends, and I also think I would cheat on my wife. I know this sounds horrible and all but I don’t know why I’d do it. Perhaps it’s the same reason why I don’t know why I drink. I’d love my girlfriend or (maybe) future wife to death and I am faithfully loyal, but at the same time, I like that excitement of something or someone new. I like new energy. I know, in the eyes of some people this makes me a horrible person. But I am who I am.”

Warning signs of an horny cheat

You feared this guy was a bit of a fuckboy when you first met, but you hoped he’d become a reformed player when he fell for you.

The horny cheat usually has a history of lothario behaviour and a string of broken hearts behind him.

Of course, people can change but statistics suggest that anywhere from 22% up to 55% of those who have cheated in the past will do so again.

In fact, according to one online survey, 60% of the men were unfaithful more than once.

So if you know that he’s strayed with you or others before, it increases the chance of repeated cheating in the future.

The horny guy is a skilled flirt, who is fully capable of charming the pants off you (quite literally) but his smooth words often lack follow through with action.

Behind the endearing mask he lacks genuine empathy in situations where he has let you down. His focus tends to be on his own needs and desires.

He may try to fix problems you have and get you back on side with gifts or splashing the cash.

The horny cheat who is highly sexed will have a sex-centric mindset. You may feel like most of your relationship is focused on sex.

He may talk about sex more in terms of being an essential biological human need, rather than see it as an emotional connection.

3) The frustrated guy

The frustrated guy cheats because he feels like his needs are not being met in his current relationship.

He sees himself as deprived in some way, either sexually or emotionally.

If he’s not been having regular sex with his partner or physical contact, it tempts him to go looking elsewhere.

He may still emotionally connect in his relationship and care for his partner, but he feels that sex is an important piece to him being happy — and a piece that is missing.

If he has been lacking sexual attention for some time he might be in the midst of a self-esteem crisis and searching for a boost to his bruised ego.

He may feel rejected by his partner and wants to feel wanted and desired again.

It’s not just sexual frustrations that lead the frustrated guy to cheat. He could also be feeling emotionally frustrated by his relationship.

In essence, Mr. Frustrated feels neglected. A study found that for 70% of cheaters, their partner’s lack of attention was at least moderately tied to their cheating behavior.

If he feels a disconnect from his partner, he might be motivated by feelings of loneliness and wanting to find validation elsewhere. Perhaps he doesn’t feel respected or needed by his partner anymore.

If problems with his current relationship have dented his self-esteem, he may be seeking an affair to inflate it again.

At heart, the frustrated cheat feels like a victim. He believes that external circumstances outside of his control are to blame for him straying.

“If my girlfriend showed me more attention”, “if my wife was nicer to me”, “if I wasn’t so starved of sex at home”, etc.

Rather than take responsibility, he will seek to justify his actions or blame others for what he sees as lacking in his own life.

The frustrated guy has often already checked out of his relationship or marriage but lacks the conviction or guts to call it off. He is looking for an exit strategy, and he finds one through cheating.

This was the case for 29 year old Will, who explained to Cosmopolitan the reason he cheats:

“I usually cheat whenever I feel like the relationship is stalled or fizzled out. Well, not literally with every relationship, but the handful of times I have cheated have been when things weren’t great. I don’t know why, specifically, honestly. Maybe it’s my way of making sure things are over instead of trying to work on something I know won’t work. ”

Warning signs of a frustrated cheat

A frustrated cheat is often unable to find his voice and be honest about his needs and wants, which then lead to underhand behaviour.

If he is unhappy, he will keep it to himself but go elsewhere to find satisfaction again.

He may struggle to be upfront about how he feels and holds back from honest conversation, preferring to avoid conflict.

But you might pick up on undercurrents of his frustration, for example through passive aggressive behaviour.

He’s also likely to be a people pleaser and prone to martyrdom. Rather than deal with issues, he prefers to hide from them, ignore them and sweep them under the carpet.

He may have a bit of an avoidant personality type.

You could get a sense that a frustrated guy has started to withdraw from you, becoming colder and more distanced.

Warning signs of cheating

Depending on the type of guy, the signs that he is playing away will tend to differ slightly.

Having said that, there are some widely recognised signs to watch out for that can signal a man is cheating:

There’s a breakdown in communication with your relationship.
He changes his appearance, makes more of an effort, and starts dressing better.
He starts spending more time away from home on new hobbies, other activities, or working late hours.
You sense a change in his behavior — he may act more stressed, argumentative, angry, nervous, or critical.
He starts lying, hiding things from you, or is avoidant.
He is withdrawn or indifferent towards you and the relationship.
Your sex life has changed recently and is practically non-existent.
You are diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection but you have been faithful.
He starts to act more secretively or suspiciously with technology — taking private phone calls, trying to hide messages or social media, or clearing his browser history. These are social media red flags.
You discover money transactions and spending that doesn’t make sense to you.
You have a strong intuitive feeling that something is going on.

Why men cheat, in their own words:

1) The chance arose and I took it

“It was nothing but sex outside marriage. For me, I did that because I was able to. I’m a married man with kids in my late thirties. I’m basically a shy guy and interact with women only when it is required. This happened when I had been out of the country. A girl who worked with me asked for some help related to travel. I learnt that she was travelling to the same location as mine.” — Anonymous on Quora

2) I can’t help myself

“When I’m in a relationship, I still go out to drink. When I’m out drinking, it’s hard not to walk up and say ‘hi’ to a pretty girl. When I’m talking to a pretty girl, I can’t help flirting. When I’m flirting, it seems appropriate to make out with her. When I’m making out with her, it’s only natural to bring her home to my place. When we are at my place, the only thing to do is (have sex). I seriously rarely plan to cheat, but I’m the kind of guy who can get laid without much effort, so it’s hard to control myself. Also, girls always forgive my cheating, so I don’t feel bad about it anymore.” — Anonymous on Reddit

3) For the thrill

“It’s a stranger’s hands on your skin. It feels different, they touch differently, you melt under the touch of someone else unwittingly. Their kisses are strangers to you, they bite your lip and adrenaline takes over and suddenly you want to feel this different person with your own hands and your own lips. It’s wrong, which makes it so right in the moment. Every touch is forbidden and it’s electrifying, it’s primal and animalistic.But it has to end and then it’s guilt and shame. You lay in bed with your partner and you think of that stranger and if you’re anything like me, you long for that feeling again and crave it like an addict. ” — Anonymous on Quora

4) I’m in a sexless relationship

“(I’ve cheated) many times. With escorts and a mistress. I felt no guilt with the escorts because no emotions were involved, but I fell madly in love with my mistress and that made me feel very guilty. Mostly only when I was with my mistress, not so much after. For the record my wife cheated on me multiple times before I ever thought about cheating on her, and I didn’t seriously consider it until our sex life had been almost non-existent for years. If that hadn’t been the case I think I would have a lot more guilt.” — Anonymous on Reddit

How are most affairs discovered?

Statistically speaking most affairs will naturally fizzle out anytime from 6 months to two years after starting.

Most just run their course and come to a conclusion (which is uncomfortable reading for any mistress who has fallen for the lies of a married man.)

Even though many people admit they would cheat if they were guaranteed to never be caught, realistically most people do get found out eventually.

One survey conducted by a dating site for extramarital affairs called Illicit Encounters, reported 63% of adulterers have been caught at some point.

But it may take some time, with on average most people getting discovered during their third affair. In fact, it may take on average four years for a partner’s adultery to be exposed.

The biggest giveaways that lead to finding out about infidelity are different between the sexes.

Most men are tripped up by technology. Male cheats are most commonly discovered because of their phones, which contain inappropriate text messages or sexy snaps.

If you are hoping to get a confession from your guy over their cheating ways, you may be waiting some time as this features much lower on the list of ways partners find out about infidelity.

Top ten ways men’s affairs are exposed:

1) Sending sexy texts messages or pictures to and from their lover

2) Partner smells their lover’s perfume on his clothes

3) Partner checks emails

4) Cheating alibi is exposed by a partner

5) Suspicious spending exposed

6) Their lover tells their partner about the affair

7) They are caught out secretly seeing their lover

8) Phone calls to a lover discovered by their partner

9) A friend or acquaintance tells on them

10) They confess

It also seems that women are prepared to put in much more work to discover whether their partner has cheated.

Twice as many women in the survey as men said they were willing to do the detective work to get to the bottom of things.

56% of women who were asked said they had done secret checks on their partner — compared to only 29% of men.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

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The 3 Types Of Men Who Have Affairs And How To Recognize Them

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Cheating can not only deal a severe blow to your relationship but also change you on a fundamental level. The hurt, the pain, the anger don’t go away easily, if at all. That’s why protecting oneself against being cheated on in a relationship is one of our most primal instincts. What if we told you that 3 types of men have affairs more commonly than others and you could protect yourself from the shattering betrayal of cheating by being wary of them?

By learning to spot the signs he will cheat in the future, you can save yourself from dealing with the aftermath of an affair to a great extent. While there is no way to predict how two people will behave in a relationship, actively avoiding getting involved with a potential cheater can cut that risk exponentially. All you need is to be aware of the common traits in men who cheat.

So, what are the types of guys who cheat? How do they behave in relationships? What are the tell-tale signs of a potential cheater? What is the mindset of a cheating man? And most importantly, is there a way to identify men who have multiple affairs before you get sucked in too deep or get too attached to one? Let’s find out the answers to these questions by taking a closer look at what kind of men cheat and why.

What Percentage Of Married Men Have Affairs?

Table of Contents

Being cheated on by a partner you love with all your heart and trust blindly can be brutal. It can leave you feeling like the ground beneath your feet has crumbled, and you’re being sucked in by soft sand. Even more so, if you didn’t suspect the cheating and were the last to find out. Be it recreational affairs or sexual affairs, or something far more serious like emotional affairs, the straying of a significant other always leaves a dent in the relationship and the psyche of the person being cheated on, the gravity of transgression notwithstanding.

As brutal and nasty cheating in a relationship may be, it’s more common than most of us would like to believe. As per research on extramarital sex based on 9 years of data, 21% of men have reported crossing the line of infidelity at least once in their lifetime. In contrast, 13% of women cheated in long-term, monogamous relationships. The research indicates that the gender gap has remained mostly static over the past 9 years.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, statistics from various national surveys indicate that 25% of married men and 15% of married women have engaged in extramarital affairs. The exact numbers on the percentage of married men who have affairs may vary depending on the sample size, demographics, and also whether the definition of ‘infidelity’ involves emotional affairs or sexual relationships without intercourse. Broadly, the writing on the wall is this: about a quarter of men cheat on their spouses.

Related Reading: A Pure Unadulterated Love Masked As An Adulterous Affair

3 Types Of Men Who Likely Have Affairs – Signs You Should Not Miss

While statistics establish that men are more likely than women to cheat, there are certain types of guys who cheat more commonly than others. The reason why men have affairs can be tied down to their personality types, psychological makeup, or early life experiences. A close look at these factors throws up an interesting observation: there are certain common traits in men who cheat.

With the help of these, you can deduce that 3 types of men have affairs irrespective of the nature of their primary relationship, or are at least more prone to cheating than other men. For instance, men who struggle with insecure attachment styles, intimacy issues, and fear of commitment are more likely to stray in their long-term relationships or marriages. Similarly, personality disorders such as narcissism are directly linked to a higher likelihood of cheating.

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Unless you are an expert in human psychology, spotting these personality traits and correlating them with the mindset of a man who will cheat and have long-term affairs can be hard. To make it easy for you to spot the first signs of cheating even before a transgression has occurred, we have broken them down into types of guys who cheat. These 3 types of men have affairs more commonly than others:

1. Mr. Charming

Mr. Charming sees the affair as a reward for his endearing, irresistible personality

Mr. Charming has an inherent playboy personality, marked by a tendency to flirt with women, and generally, keep an affinity with them. If you’re in a relationship with one, think back to the early days of your relationship. Did being with this man make you feel like you were dating a player? If yes, then your partner, unfortunately, fits the bill of men who cheat.

Mr. Charming is smart, fun, a smooth talker, exciting, and affable, which makes being around him easy and enjoyable. It is this disarming persona that he uses to his advantage to win over girls despite his relationship status. In his mind, he is perfectly justified in doing so. He sees the affair as a reward for his endearing, irresistible personality.

So, is it possible for someone to love you and still cheat on you? Mr. Charming is the textbook example that it is. For him, the cheating is not a reflection of the state of his marriage or relationship but a way to prove to himself that he has still got it. Among the men having affairs, he is the kind of man who cheats but stays married or continues to be in a relationship with his primary partner.

Related Reading: Why Do Married Men Cheat? Our Readers Share The Reasons

Signs Of Men Who Have Multiple Affairs

Mr. Charming definitely falls in the category of men who have multiple affairs. Since for him, cheating is a form of validation, he continues to stray on multiple occasions however the affairs never translate into something meaningful enough for him to want to leave his primary partner. He can be categorized as the quintessential serial cheater and his transgressions can be labeled as recreational affairs he indulges in to boost his self-esteem and satisfy his external locus of identity.

Besides, since he’s got his charm working for him, there is a good chance that he will successfully win you over after cheating on you and convince you that you’re the only one he loves and that it won’t happen again, except it does. To save yourself from this vicious cycle of being cheated on by your partner over and over again, here are some signs of men who have multiple affairs to watch out for:

Flirting: Among the first signs of cheating, in this case, is a tendency to flirt unabashedly with other women in front of you. Among the men who have affairs, Mr. Charming is perhaps the most unabashed in his proclivities
No empathy: He displays a lack of empathy in relationships and fails to see how his flirtatious ways impact you. Even if you tell him that him flirting with other women makes you uncomfortable or insecure, there’s little chance that he’s going to mend his ways
Disarming charm: Of the 3 types of men who have affairs, he is also the most likely to get away with his transgressions. When you suspect him of cheating or catch him cheating on you, he disarms you with his charm. He promises that you’re “the one” for him and assures you that you have nothing to worry about but continues with his cheating ways
Suspect routine: He may be spending a lot of time with someone much younger than him. Being desired by a younger female stokes his sense of vanity and offers the validation that his charm still works like magic
Spending anomalies: You may notice unexplained charges on credit card statements, as he may be spending lavishly to win over the girl he has his heart set on. Even if he is engaging in merely recreational affairs, he will pull all stops to flatter his affair partner to sweep her off her feet and make sure she’s hopelessly smitten
State of mind: His demeanor may be unusually bright and upbeat. The affair bolsters his self-esteem and sense of self, so you may notice him exude a renewed sense of confidence and swagger

2. Mr. Horny

A self-professed high sex drive is among the signs he will cheat in the future too

Rita had an unshakable feeling that her husband was cheating on her. She had nothing to pin it down on but her gut told her that something was amiss. Her husband, in turn, dismissed all of her concerns as the result of her being a possessive, jealous and insecure wife. Then, she uncovered his unfaithfulness by chancing upon a long sext exchange with a coworker.

When confronted, he simply shrugged it off by saying that he had needs that couldn’t be satisfied by one woman, even though sleeping with others had no bearing on how he felt about her. The mindset of a cheating man, in this case, indicates a proclivity for sexual affairs. While he may feel no emotional connection to the woman/women he is cheating on you with, there is a good chance that he will continue to sleep around.

A man with an unusually high libido is definitely among the 3 types of men who have affairs more commonly. Unfortunately, a self-professed high sex drive is among the signs he will cheat in the future too, getting caught or being given ultimatums notwithstanding.

Related Reading: Everything You Need To Know About The 7 Types Of Affairs That Exist

Signs Of Men Who Have Sexual Affairs

A man who cheats on his spouse or long-term partner purely for the sake of satisfying his sexual urges is also likely to continue this pattern irrespective of the damage it causes to your relationship. Quite possibly, in his mind, his sexual needs are separated from his emotional attachment and/or the reasons to stay in the relationship with you. As such, he doesn’t view his transgressions as an act of betrayal.

One of the common traits in men who cheat for their carnal needs is the ability to justify their affairs or one-night stands to themselves. “I’m doing everything a good partner should do. Why can’t I have a little fun on the side?” He may use arguments to this effect to rationalize his infidelity.

His may not be one of the types of affairs that lead to divorce but the frequency at which he destroys your trust is reason enough to threaten your future together. Clearly, he isn’t someone you can hope to have a lasting and nurturing relationship with. To save yourself from being humiliated by his lack of respect for the sanctity of your relationship, here are the signs of men who have sexual affairs to watch out for:

Sex-centric mindset: His relationship with you is centered on sex. Mindset of a cheating man driven to cross boundaries owing to his near-insatiable libido is reflected in your own relationship as well. Pay attention, is his answer to every relationship issue, no matter how big or small, a round of hot, passionate sex? Then, you’ve got yourself Mr. Horny, who is likely to betray your trust.
Irritability due to lack of sex: He acts grumpy and scorned if you say no to his sexual advances. To his mind, turning elsewhere if his needs in the primary relationship aren’t met seems completely justified
Penchant for porn: Porn is a big part of his life. Yes, it’s not uncommon for men to watch porn even when they have flourishing and fulfilling sex lives but for Mr. Horny the need for his visual stimulation is unusually high
Changed work schedule: Men who have affairs need to carve out the time for their sojourn and work commitments provide the perfect smokescreen. If he has been putting in a lot of late nights at work lately or traveling for work on weekends, you have a reason to be concerned
Overprotective about the phone: His phone is a no-go territory for you. He never leaves it unattended, changes his passcodes frequently, and acts nervous if you manage to get your hands on it. Given that he is already in the high-risk category of the 3 types of men who have affairs, you must be attentive to any typical cheating signs
Dressing up: He has been putting an extra effort into his looks, carefully selecting his clothes for work every morning, grooming himself a little more than usual, perhaps going to the gym more regularly and loading up on the musky cologne
Less pestering for sex: He doesn’t pester you for sex as much as he used to. That may well be because he is getting a share of the action outside, and his urges are satisfied

3. Mr. Still-not-over-his-ex

Kate thought she was happily married for over four years and felt just as smitten by her husband as she had when they had first started dating. There was just one problem – a part of him still seemed inaccessible to her. He was the embodiment of the perfect husband, both at home and in public, but Kate still felt that there were things about him she didn’t know.

As it turned out, he was not able to get over the girl he was madly in love with before dating Kate. Months into the marriage, he and his ex connected over Facebook and a full-blown affair took hold. Being stuck in the past is one of the telling indicators of the mindset of a man who will cheat and have long-term affairs. It is also one of the most common reasons for affairs between married couples.

Guys cheat early in a relationship when they take the plunge of being with someone without dealing with a breakup, nasty heartbreak, or residual feelings for a former partner. This is also the most heartbreaking among the 3 types of men who have affairs, as there is a great deal of emotional investment involved.

Related Reading: I Began An Extramarital Affair With My Ex Boyfriend

Signs Of Men Having Affairs With Their Exes

Men having affairs takes a precarious turn when the reason behind the infidelity is a deep-rooted emotional attachment. Such men are not above reconnecting with an ex while married or in a long-term relationship and rekindling the romance with complete disregard to how it affects their present partners or relationships. That’s because while he may be with you, he is not fully invested in the relationship.

Since such residual feelings lead to emotional affairs, which may or may not have a sexual element, these can put the future of your relationship in jeopardy. A spark with an old-flame turning into a passionate romance a little too late in the day is right at the top of the types of affairs that lead to divorce or a breakup. There is little room for conjecture about the damaging effects of such a betrayal of your psyche and mental health.

A relationship with a man who is still in love with his ex can never be emotionally fulfilling, and worse still may expose you to the risk of betrayal in its most blatant and crushing form. To safeguard yourself, watch out for these signs that suggest that your partner may have an emotional affair with an ex:

Past under wraps: One of the top reasons why men have affairs is unresolved feelings from the past. So, if he doesn’t talk to you about that one past relationship, in particular, try finding out if he’s still not over that ex. If so, there is a high likelihood that he is still in love with his ex may stray if that ex comes back into his life
Hazy details: You don’t know anything about his life during that time except for sketchy details. This could well be because he hasn’t truly closed that chapter in his mind. Perhaps, a part of him is still waiting for that ex to come back. If she does, the less you know about it, the easier it’ll be for him to rekindle the romance without you ever finding out. The mindset of a cheating man, in this case, is rooted in secrecy
Social media behavior: He has become extremely cautious about posting ‘couple-y’ things on social media. A sudden change in social media habits could be an indicator that that past flame has been rekindled and he does not want to give the impression that he is in a happy and fulfilling relationship with you
Stalking an ex: His browsing history reflects that he has been stalking his ex. Or, his browsing history is wiped clean every time. Men who have affairs are extremely cautious about covering their tracks. If you have reason to suspect you’re being cheated on, you’ll need to outsmart your partner
The ex cannot be named: The room falls silent if you ask his friends about that ex. That ominous silence should tell you that something is not quite resolved in that chapter of your partner’s life, which puts him in the category of 3 types of men who have affairs
In relationship with his phone: He spends a lot of time with his phone or waits for you to fall asleep and sneakily uses his phone late into the night. It feels as if no matter what you’re saying or doing, his phone has something more interesting to say
Poor sex life: Your sex life has taken a hit off late or has always been somewhat lackluster. You may find that no matter how much you try, you cannot establish a deeply intimate connection with him. Even during your most intimate moments, you may feel as if he is just going through the motions without being fully present in the moment
Being withdrawn: He doesn’t engage with you in ways he used to before. It could be his cheating guilt getting in the way or maybe he has checked out of the relationship emotionally. If he is having an emotional affair with a former partner, there is a good chance that it is the latter
Aloofness: He’d much rather spend time alone than be with you. Perhaps, he’s using this “alone time” to connect with an ex and betray your trust or maybe he just needs to create distance in the relationship to be able to carry on the affair

Knowing that these 3 types of men have affairs more effortlessly than others can be a powerful tool when you’re navigating the dating scene or trying to find “the one”. Ending up with any of these only means setting yourself up for a near-certain heartbreak. So, no matter how enamored you are by Mr. Charming or how desired Mr. Horny makes you feel or how hard you’ve fallen for the brooding persona of Mr. Still-not-over-his-ex, keep reminding yourself that your guy displays classic signs he will cheat in the future. And rein yourself in.

Confessions Of Five Women Who Say, “My Husband Cheated But I Feel Guilty”

Surviving An Affair – 12 Steps To Reinstate Love And Trust In A Marriage

12 Excuses To Cheat Men Usually Come Up With

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What is he - a real man today?

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Sergey Valentinovich Mashutin, head of the LETI duty service:

– Should a real man change from year to year? I think if he is real, then for all time. For me, for example, Grigory Melekhov from the novel “Quiet Flows the Don” remains the standard of a real man both in his youth and today. He has the main masculine qualities - there. He is a warrior, not without reason he had four "George". But at the same time, he is a completely peaceful person, a hard worker: he will not ask another uncle how to handle a plow or hammer a nail. He makes his own decisions and is responsible for them. Not afraid to speak the truth, even when it is dangerous. He knows how to love and defend his love. Gregory is a very deep and moral person. A real man, he is not at all like those characters that we have been trying to pass off as role models lately. If some of you are not yet familiar with The Quiet Don, be sure to read this book. For example, I am now re-reading it for the umpteenth time.

Sofya Belova, 3rd year student of the Global Fund:

- For me, the best discussion on this topic is the song of Muslim Magomayev - “Is that a man?”
That man who is brave,
And uncorrupted by soul,
Only that man!
Who in the name of honor
The head is always in place,
Only that man!

Irina Pavlovna Fedorova, head of the legal department

- In my opinion, today and at all times, a real man has such qualities as responsibility, decency, the ability to do things and a sense of humor. I am sure that such a man and a woman who is next to him can make happy. For me, my father is an example of such a person. He worked hard and responsible work - he was the director of the mine. Today, we all know how difficult this business is - mining . .. And all the qualities that I have listed, he had to repeatedly show both at work and in the family. A sense of humor helped in any life situation. As long as I remember our family, I always saw a wonderful man in front of me, and next to him - a happy woman, my mother!

Anastasia Leonova, 3rd year GF:

- First of all, he should be a support and support for his loved ones (mother, sister, girlfriend / spouse). Next to a real man, a woman feels protected. She knows for sure that he will come to the rescue at any moment, in any situation. For me personally, an integral feature of a real man is a sense of humor. You need to be able to play a good joke on yourself and on what is happening around. And a man should not speak, but do! You can say anything. Only actions can confirm your sincere love for a woman.

Natalya Orlova, 3rd year GF:
- In my opinion, a real man has the following qualities:
1. Protector . The proverb “behind a man, like behind a stone wall” does not lose its relevance. A woman wants to feel a sense of security next to her man and believe that he, like a true superman, can solve any problem.
2. Kind person . And not only with your soulmate! A real man will show this quality to others.
3. Capable of acting. Planning your actions is an important skill, but the "couch strategist" will never become a mainstay. Only an active, courageous and determined man is able to achieve a lot.
4. Looks after himself . I'm not saying that a man should go for a pedicure or hair highlights in expensive salons every week. Not! But clean and neat clothes, well-groomed hair and hands - it's great! The brutality of a man will not suffer from this. And if he also maintains good physical shape day after day, then I can safely assure you that we have a person with willpower, endurance and beautiful muscles :)

Valeria Kichalyuk, 3rd year student of the Global Fund:

- For me, a real man is, first of all, one who respects his mother and understands the importance of family values. Quite often you can judge a man by his attitude towards his mother. And if he supports her and stands up for her, know that in the future he will be the same for you.

"You're a man": how gender stereotypes deprive people of the right to help

Ksenia Batanova
BBC

June 16, 2020

Photo caption,

Due to gender stereotypes, men are less likely to seek help

The coronavirus pandemic has endangered not only the physical but also the mental health of people. Contact specialists ready far from each - most men not go to the doctors , preferring to cope on their own and not always successfully. The Russian service of the BBC tried to figure out how gender stereotypes affect the life expectancy of men, how it is connected with football and what Prince William has to do with it.

"He thinks that he shouldn't show feelings in any way. Not just not crying - not at all. It's good that not alcohol, but football helps to relieve stress. But after the game he comes home without skin on his legs. He says that he is in severe pain must endure with a smile, otherwise it is unworthy of a man.

Marina (the heroine's name was changed at her request) talks about her husband, a 42-year-old successful man who has children, a job and friends.

When she asked her husband if he wanted to talk to a psychologist, he replied: "Why would I tell a stranger about my life? It's impossible." He doesn't know about our conversation.

"Men do not cry" and live less

The average life expectancy of men in Russia is 67.75 years, women - 77.82. The difference is 10 years. In Britain, it is significantly less - about four.

“Gender attitudes and social stereotypes prevent them from going to the doctor on time, telling their loved ones about their problems, they force them to keep everything to themselves. Heinrich Böll Irina Kosterina - Powerful masculinity still exists, and it is attractive because it gives men many benefits. You can be aggressive and quickly get what they need. But patriarchy has serious costs.

When home is a prison and the coronavirus doesn't make sense. How people with mental disorders cope with isolation
Coronavirus: how to protect your psyche in a pandemic
Due to Covid-19, not only doctors are missing in Italy. Psychologists are also in great demand

Kosterina recalls that the inability to live up to the image of a "tough guy" led to a surge in mortality in the 90s.

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"When the usual life collapsed, many men could not be the breadwinners of the family. Risky behavior, suicide, drunken fights are a direct manifestation of patriarchal attitudes and stereotypes," the expert says.

In the era of the pandemic, men die from coronavirus on average twice as often as women. Scientists continue to figure out why male mortality from the virus is higher. But there are already studies that suggest that one of the reasons may be behavioral habits.

Another study by researchers from the University of Middlesex suggests that men wear face masks less often than women, because it can be seen by society as a sign of weakness.

"Men, in principle, do not care about their health, and I myself am a vivid confirmation of this. From childhood, it does not fit into our heads that taking care of ourselves is something important and necessary. I had to get to the doctor, but I am all "I put it off. As a result, my wife signed me up for an endocrinologist. But not everyone has a spouse who will take you to the doctor by the ear, and therefore we all need to retrain. It's good if health care becomes a social norm," says the author of the podcast and telegram. channel "Man, where are you?" Grigory Tumanov.

This channel is one of the few platforms in Russia where men and women frankly discuss various aspects of their lives with men: career, sports, relationships with fathers and children, sex, loneliness and health.

Grigory Tumanov recalls how he went to a psychologist: “I had a rather depressive period, at some point I realized that it was not me, that I was a much more cheerful person. they told me: Grisha, you are a walking stuffy cloud. And that is what prompted me to seek professional help."

Fitness for the body, fitness for the soul

There are three times as many male suicides as females in the UK. The British Heads Up campaign aims to convince men that mental health is just as important as physical health. And that men can cry too, but not become less courageous.

"Everyone knows that regular exercise is good for health. Mental fitness is also needed," says the BBC documentary A Royal Team Talk: Tackling Mental Health.

In the film, famous football players Thierry Henry, Peter Crouch, Gareth Southgate and others meet with fans and talk about their experiences: homesickness, which is embarrassing to admit, feeling that you are a loser due to being fired, complexes due to non-standard appearance . "It's okay to say you're not okay," says another character in the film and face of the campaign, Prince William.

"Men's health is really little talked about. In the public field, drugs to restore potency are most often mentioned, as if this is the only problem for men. Now, if we moved away from the male genitalia somewhere in the direction of the stomach and head, it would be great. Because that there is male fitness, there is proper nutrition for men, there is how to pump up the press, and there is still a lot of things going on with us." - Grigory Tumanov continues.

Image caption,

Russia ranks first in the world in the number of male suicides

Men's mental health: reverse sexism?

Is it worth separating men's psychological problems into a separate category?

"This campaign is an excellent example of the difference in society's attitude towards gender issues. When women say that they have problems with violence and health - physical and mental - then society takes the position of "women whine again, feminists are sick of it." helping men - so there is immediately a prince, and money, and world-class channels in the wings," says Alex Drusakov, the author of the Real Feminist telegram channel. In his opinion, the stereotype "you're a woman" stigmatizes and breaks women much more than "you're a man" men.

These stereotypes, he says, force women to "give in, bend over, be comfortable and carry everything," while men are allowed to "shirk from housework, from caring for children, from controlling their negative emotions." However, he emphasizes that mental problems have no gender: "But a rigid definition of one's social role through gender is already a disorder."

Other experts interviewed by the BBC believe that there is no sexism in addressing men specifically.

"It seems to me that both men and women need to unite soon. Talking from the position that "women have long been an oppressed minority, and now you men will take the rap for it" seems counterproductive to me. Campaigns that make men think should be encouraged about psychological health," Grigory Tumanov is convinced.

"Prince William is an iconic figure, and legitimizing new behavior from his lips is very important. His words will have the same effect when many famous men spoke out for feminism and support for women. It was an important step in showing that the image of a toxic the cool macho is already leaving, it ceases to be the mainstream, which it was 10 years ago," adds Irina Kosterina.

Image caption,

Psychological problems have no gender, but targeted appeal to men helps them fight patriarchal attitudes

Why men are silent

According to the Profi.ru portal, the number of requests for online psychotherapists in Russia has increased from the end of March to the middle of May by 69% compared to the same period in 2019. Men among them - 21%.

Psychologists say that the opportunity to seek professional help is mostly denied by men over 45 years of age. In the older generation, due to upbringing, gender stereotypes and ideas about how real men should behave are as strong as possible.

But young people, thanks to globalization and the Internet, have a lot of life scenarios, and they are ready to talk about their problems.

"I delayed seeking help for a long time. I was not afraid that they would find out about this and condemn me. Rather, at the subconscious level, I myself considered seeking help as a defeat, an admission of my weakness," says Ruslan Polanin.

Then he worked as an engineer at a factory in Volgograd. Now, at 32, he lives in Moscow and is engaged in contemporary art. Ruslan "had big ups and downs in his mood" and a feeling of dissatisfaction. "It turned out I had recurrent depression," he says.

"In the end, I think that I entered as an adult. In the art environment, going to a psychologist is like going to a dentist," adds Ruslan. When he worked at the factory, he could not tell his colleagues about therapy: "Such things are simply not present in their lives."

In the BBC film Football, Prince William and our Mental Health, the Duke of Cambridge speaks to the players of small amateur football teams - for them it is not only a team, but rather a men's club, a brotherhood.

"I was in a situation where, after saying 'I'm depressed', they looked at me like I had two heads," says one of the characters in the film, who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

How to speak without a dictionary

Another problem that psychologists and gender experts talk about is that men who are forced by patriarchy to behave in a model of behavior in which you cannot complain often do not have the skill to describe their problems.

Irina Chey, head of the colon support center for abused men in St. Petersburg, says that when the center first opened, they offered help by e-mail.

It turned out that not only is it difficult for men to find words to tell about what happened to them, even after writing, it is embarrassing to send such a letter to a stranger. "Girls are always told that it's okay to express their emotions, boys are not," adds Irina.

But Ivan shares his experience by mail. He survived sexual abuse as a child and years later still sought help. He is 24 years old and works as a technician in the construction industry.

"Memories are like a dream, you don't quite believe in the reality of what happened. It's hard to cope with it yourself and realize how tangibly it affects life. I decided to search the Internet for information, I came across an article by the Men's Help Center about a case of sexual violence against a man. Then memories made themselves felt again. I decided to write, come what may, anonymously after all. I was able to write a letter the third time. The process itself caused very mixed and unpleasant feelings. As if betraying someone, [there is] a feeling of shame that you laugh," says Ivan.

But now, he says, life is easier.

Image caption,

Attitudes like "don't whine, you're a boy" deprive many of the ability to talk about their problems aloud

Who should talk to men

"family is a union of two people of different sexes. But I see that the situation is changing, and this is the merit of the women's agenda and the actions of radical feminists, no matter how anyone turns their nose up at them," says Grigory Tumanov.

He adds that in Russia women have extensive experience in horizontal self-organization (March of Mothers in support of defendants in the New Greatness case, protection of women from domestic violence).

"But we don't see such men's campaigns. If one of the women said: guys, this is how you can do it, we can teach you this, it would be great," he believes.

"Women should talk about men? In feminist publics, we were reproached that it's not the place to deal with men when the statistics of violence against women are horrendous. But here it is important to understand that the problem of violence is a general one, it is not a problem of men or women", - says Irina Chey.

New psychological normality

At the very beginning of quarantine, neuropsychotherapist Katya Dosho asked her friends to spread her offer of free psychological help for everyone who needs it on social networks.

Learn more