Far distance relationships

21 Best Tips On Making A Long-Distance Relationship Work

Having texting and video conferencing at our fingertips, it appears that maintaining a long-distance relationship is easier than ever. Long-distance calls are no longer a luxury; the days when they needed to be rationed are long gone.

Long-distance couples do not have to depend on 3 p.m. postal delivery, waiting for news that is at best four days old.

Now we’re no longer even in the days of waiting for our loved ones to check their e-mail when they get home from work. Instant messaging keeps us hooked to each other even when we are out shopping, working, playing, watching a movie and doing much more.

Technology, however, cannot compensate for everything in a long-distance relationship, as anyone with a long-distance relationship will tell you.

Many long-distance relationships still seem emotionally difficult despite the lack of regular physical proximity.

People often think long-distance relationships will never work. It may be discouraged by your family, and some of your best friends may tell you not to take it too seriously in case you end up heartbroken.

Many things are not possible due to the extra distance – no one can promise it will be easy. Things could get complicated, and you might feel lonely and sad at times.

However, the extra distance also makes the simplest things the sweetest. Being able to hold the other person’s hand, eating together at the same table, feeling each other’s touch, taking a walk together, smelling each other’s hair… these small wishes could suddenly mean so much more in a long-distance relationship.

Video Summary

Long-distance relationships may be tough, but they have their own surprises too.

21 Tips on How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work

If you want to make your long-distance relationship work, try out these tips:

1. Avoid excessive communication.

It is unwise to be overly “sticky” and possessive. You two don’t really have to communicate 12 hours a day to keep the relationship going. Many couples think that they need to compensate for the distance by doing more. This is not true. And it might only make things worse. Soon you would get tired of “loving.”

Remember: Less is more. It is not about spamming — you are only going to exhaust yourselves. It’s really about teasing at the right moments and tugging at the right spots.

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2. See it as an opportunity.

“If you want to live together, you first need to learn how to live apart.” – Anonymous

View it as a learning journey for both of you. This is an opportunity for you to prove your love for one another. According to a Chinese proverb, “Real gold is not afraid of the test of fire.” Instead of thinking that this long-distance relationship is pulling you two apart, you should believe that through this experience, the both of you will be bound together even stronger.

As Emma says it to Will in season four of Glee,

“I would rather be here, far from you, but feeling really close, rather than close to you but feeling really far away.” – Emma, Glee Season 4

3. Set some ground rules to manage your expectations.

Both of you need to be clear with what you expect of each other during this long-distance relationship. Set some ground rules so that none of you will do things that will take the other party by surprise.

For instance, are you two exclusive? Is it all right for the other person to go on dates? What is your commitment level? It’s better to be open with each other about all these things.

4. Try to communicate regularly, and creatively.

Greet each other “good morning” and “good night” every day — this is a must. On top of that, try to update your partner on your life and its happenings, however mundane some of the things may seem.

To up the game, send each other pictures, audio clips, and short videos from time to time. By putting in this kind of effort, you make the other person feel loved and attended to.

5. Talk dirty with each other.

Sexual tension is undoubtedly one of the most important things between couples. In a way, sexual desire is like the glue that keeps both parties from drifting apart. Sexual need is not only biological but also emotional.

Keep the flames burning by sending each other teasing texts filled with sexual innuendos and provocative descriptions. Sexy puns work pretty well too.

6. Avoid “dangerous” situations.

If you already know that going to the club or going drinking with your group of friends late at night will displease your partner, then you should either 1. Not do it or 2. Tell your partner beforehand to reassure them.

You should not let this sort of thing slip by because it will only make your partner extra worried or suspicious – and of course, very upset because they will feel powerless or lack control over the situation.

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You can fall victim to your traps by going out with eye candy from work after work or dating someone from your past who has been flirting with you without realizing it. Before entering a dangerous situation, you need to recognize the dangers.

Listen to your heart, but don’t just rely on it. Make sure you also listen to your mind.

7. Do things together.

Play a game online together. Watch a documentary at the same time on YouTube or Vimeo. Share a song on Skype while another plays the guitar. Video-call each other and go for a walk together. Together, go online shopping – and buy each other gifts (see #13).

You really have to be creative and spontaneous about it.

8. Do similar things.

Recommend books, TV shows, movies, music, news and etc., to each other. When you read, watch and listen to the same things, you get to have more topics in common to talk about.

Even if you live apart, it’s nice to have some shared experiences.

9. Make visits to each other.

Every long-distance relationship is enriched by visits.

After all the waiting and yearning and abstinence, you finally get to meet each other to fulfil all the little things like kissing, holding hands, etc. These are typical for couples in long-distance relationships but more special and intimate for long-distance couples.

The atmosphere will be filled with fireworks, glitter bombs, confetti, rainbows, and butterflies.

10. Have a goal in mind.

Are we going to be apart for a long time?” “what about the future?” These are the questions you should ask yourselves.

In fact, a couple cannot stay in a long-distance relationship forever. Eventually, we all need to settle down.

So make a plan with each other. Set up a timeline, mark down the estimated times apart and times together, and draw an end goal.

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It is important that you two are on the same page and have the same goals. So that even if you are not living in the same space and the same timezone, both of you are still motivated to work together in the same direction towards a future that includes one another.

That’s right, you need some motivation to make a relationship last too. Find out more about what motivates you here.

11. Enjoy your alone time and your time with your friends and family.

You are alone, but you are not lonely unless you choose to feel like it. You don’t have to let your world revolve around your partner — you still have you, your friends, and your family. Take this time apart to do more with your friends and family. Go to the gym more often. Get a new hobby. Binge-watch shows. There are plenty of things for you to do that don’t involve your partner.

12. Stay honest with each other.

Talk about your feelings of fear, insecurity, jealousy, apathy, whatsoever. If you try to hide anything from your partner, that secret will sooner or later swallow you up from the inside out. Don’t try to deal with things all by yourself. Be open and honest with each other. Let your partner help you and give you the support you need. It’s better to look at the problem during its initial stage than to only disclose it when it’s all too late.

13. Know each other’s schedules.

It’s helpful to know when the other person is busy and free. So that you can drop a text or make a call at the right time. You wouldn’t want to disturb your partner when they are in the middle of class or halfway through a business meeting. Make sure you are aware of everyone’s small and big events in their lives, i. e., college midterms and exams, important business trips and meetings, job interviews, etc. Particularly if you live in different time zones, this becomes more important.

14. Keep track of each other’s social media activities.

Facebook and Instagram photos of each other. Send each other tweets. Tag each other on Facebook. Post stuff on each other’s wall. Let them know you care. Be cool with stalking each other.

15. Gift a personal object for the other person to hold on to.

Memories have power. No matter what it is–a pendant, a ring, a keychain, a collection of songs and videos, or a perfume bottle. Everyday items and things have meanings to us, whether we realize it or not. We all try to store memories in material things so that when our minds fail, we will still be able to look at or hold onto something that will help us recall our memories. This is why something so simple can mean so much to a person when others may see little or no value in it.

16. Get a good messaging app.

This is extremely important because texting is the most frequent and common way of communication the two of you have. You need a good messaging app on your phones that allows interactions beyond words and emoticons.

Personally, I use this messaging app called LINE. I find it highly effective because it has a huge reserve of playful and very funny “stickers” that are free for its users to use. You can also go to the app’s “Sticker Shop” to download (or gift!) extra stickers of different themes (e.g., Hello Kitty, Pokemon, Snoopy, MARVEL, etc.) at a low price. Occasionally, the app will give out free sticker sets for promotions. This messaging app is cute and easy to learn to use.

17. Snail-mail your gift.

Mail each other postcards and hand-written love letters. Send each other gifts across the globe from time to time. Flower deliveries on birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day. Shop online and surprise each other with cool T-shirts, sexy underwear, and such.

18. Stay positive.

You need to constantly inject positive energy into the long-distance relationship to keep it alive. Yes, the waiting can be painful, and you can sometimes feel lonely, but you need to remind yourself that the fruits at the end will be sweet as heaven.

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One good trick to staying positive is to be grateful all the time. Be thankful that you have someone to love — someone who also loves you back. Be thankful for the little things, like the hand-made letter that arrived safely in your mailbox the other day. Be thankful for each other’s health and safety.

19. Keep each other updated on each other’s friends and family.

This will help you two to know each other’s culture and values. Knowing small habits of each other helps in developing an understanding and building mutual trust.

Talking about family and friends gives you more matters to talk about. The best thing to talk about is gossip and scandals.

20. Video-call whenever possible.

Because sometimes looking into each other’s eyes and hearing each other’s voices can make everything feel alright again.

A video call is though nothing like being together, but it’s the best thing and the most to do for coziness in a long-distance relationship.

21. Give each other pet names.

Because it’s cute. It keeps the lovey-dovey going. Having special names for each other reserved only for one another are heart-warming. Hearing that one word with love lifts our spirits up, and we feel assured all over again.

Chaos seems to fade away just by hearing that special word from someone special.

Final Thoughts

Love (or like) is a force that is beyond your control. Love just happens. The same goes for turning off those feelings, even when you get the perfect job halfway across the country.

Neither one of us expects to be long-distance in a relationship. But if you’re in a relationship like this, you’ll just have to make the most out of a difficult situation. These advice for long distance relationships will hopefully help you stay strong and cheerful when living apart from one another.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

Therapists Share How to Make Long Distance Relationships Work

After endless searching, you finally found someone worth holding onto. And you’re really happy together. But through certain circumstances, you find yourself separated from the one you love by miles and miles of distance.

No matter how much you love each other, there’s probably a part of you that wonders how or if your relationship will survive the long distance between you.

Long distance relationships can be made easier with the right support, try Lasting:

First of all, be comforted in knowing that long distance relationships can absolutely succeed. In fact, most couples find themselves geographically separated at some point during their dating or marriage relationship.

Many couples even point to a season of long distance as the cornerstone of a stronger relationship.

With that in mind, our team of relationship experts at Lasting have compiled a list of their very best tips for maintaining, surviving, and even thriving in a long distance relationship or long distance marriage.

We hope it’s just a matter of time until you and the one you love are side by side again. But in the meantime, here are some therapist-approved recommendations to strengthen your emotional connection, ease the ache of geographic separation, and help your relationship go the distance.

We are living at a time when we have unprecedented round-the-clock access to one another. For those in a long-distance relationship, devoting extensive free time to catching up can be a tremendous gift—so long as you’re both on the same page about it.

Some couples want to feel connected every hour. Some find it tedious to talk every day. Discuss with each other what works for the general frequency and length of time you will spend texting, talking, or video chatting in a day or week. And be open to modifying your communication tendencies as life creates new and unexpected demands.

Decades of research indicate the most satisfied relationships are those in which each partner successfully responds to the other’s emotional calls. Emotional calls are the thousands of tiny attempts to connect with each other. It’s one of the concepts explained in depth in the marriage health session of Lasting, the leading relationship health app.

At the core of every emotional call, you’re really asking each other one question:

“Will you be there for me?”

Responding to each other’s emotional calls can seem tricky within a long distance relationship. You can’t physically show up for each other’s milestone days or reassure someone with a hug. But that doesn’t make this crucial element of relationship success any less important.

Instead, long-distance couples may need to be more intentional about responding to each other’s attempts to connect. If you’ve scheduled a time to talk with your partner, make that call a priority, just as you would any work meeting or doctor’s appointment. If your partner has an important day, call or text preemptively to find out how it went. By weaving your partner’s needs into your day, you’ll demonstrate that you’re there for them, no matter how far apart you might be.

Relationships can be hard, but Lasting is here to help. Get started with a free week:

Doubts, insecurities, and jealousy can run high in long distance relationships simply because you’re spending so much time away from each other. This is why therapists at Lasting recommend using frequent verbal assurances with one another. They help minimize these negative feelings and clarify where you stand as a couple.

The next time you talk, tell your partner how much you love and appreciate your relationship. And if you’re feeling uncertain about where you stand, don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance for yourself. “I love you and wish we could be together today,” is as wonderful to say as it is to hear.

Whether you’re together or far apart, you and your partner will continue to grow and change as life moves forward. That is both normal and a good thing—even if it forces your relationship to change some in the process.

According to Lasting’s therapists, long distance couples who have a secure attachment together are able to let each other grow and mature. They find ways to stay connected and push each other forward. In a secure attachment relationship, personal growth and change is healthy. It’s a product of security and safety in the relationship.

One of the best things you can do to promote a secure attachment is supporting your partner as they grow in their individual strengths and interests. While it might be frustrating if her new volleyball practice cuts into your nightly catch-up time, it’s important to encourage her to do what she loves—just as she should for you.

Research shows that interdependent relationships are proven to be the healthiest form of relationships for marriage. What does that mean? That means you and your partner do things in sync together while maintaining your own separate identities as individuals. Chances are your long-distance circumstances are forcing you do to more things independently than you would probably like, which is why it’s really important to identify a few activities you can do remotely but together.

According to marriage therapist Liz Colizza, having shared experiences with your long-distance partner increases the cohesion of your relationship. “Finding things you can do together as a couple pays off big time in helping you feel more connected. That’s a huge win when it feels like the distance is pulling you in two different directions. ”

Whether it’s using Lasting, reading the same book, streaming the same show while talking on the phone, playing games online, listening to the same playlist, or even eating at the same chain restaurant on the same night—all of these can help you and your partner feel more interdependent and, ultimately, more connected.

p.s. Did you know? 94% of couples report new strengths when using the Lasting app together.

Whether you’re living under the same roof or oceans apart, all couples need to learn healthy ways to talk about and resolve conflicts. Bigger problems can arise if you ignore little struggles or are unwilling to address sensitive topics.

One military spouse experienced this when she and her husband were dating long distance. “I never felt comfortable bringing up tricky issues over the phone. But when I went to visit him, I didn’t want to ruin our time together by starting an argument. It created this vicious cycle where I felt I could never share what was bothering me. I would eventually blow up and break up with him. It was so unfair though, because he had no idea anything was even wrong.”

If you’re struggling to bring up difficult topics, using the Lasting app together can help ease you in to those conversations. You can also get more personalized support with a therapist through Talkspace.

Learning how to talk about difficult topics takes time and effort, but it’s essential to the health of your long-distance relationship to not let small problems balloon into bigger ones.

Being separated from the person you’re madly in love with can hardly seem like a positive thing. But where you can’t immediately change your circumstances, you can immediately change your attitude.

One of Lasting’s users shared how he came to appreciate his long-distance status. “I know it sounds crazy, but I loved being in a long-distance relationship. I could devote 100% of my attention to my girlfriend when we were together. When we were apart, I focused on classes and spent time with my friends. That worked really well for us while I was in law school.”

Frustrating as it might seem to be separated, try to think of a few ways your long distance relationship is actually beneficial. Do you have more time for hobbies or working out or spending time with friends and family? Make a list of the positive aspects of long distance and focus on these during the harder days when the distance is really getting to you.

There’s no doubt you’ll have days when your long distance relationship seems especially difficult. You might even be tempted to do something impulsive—like quit your job or drop out of school—just so you can be together with the person you love.

While that might sound romantic, remember there’s an important reason you’re living far away from the person you love right now. That reason may hinge on a professional, financial, or family situation that needs to play out properly until the timing is right for you both to be together geographically.

Don’t let months or years of progress go to waste out of impatience to finally be together. Your relationship will be stronger in the long run if you finish what you’ve started and finish it well.

Anyone who’s been in a long distance relationship can attest to the underlying heartache of being apart from the person you love. If you’re in a relationship with the person you want to spend your life with, at some point you’ll need to craft a plan to join your worlds together.

Whether this involves a wedding, an engagement, a job change or a relocation, be sure your plan considers the right next step at the right time for both people.

Having the hope of being together long term can help you ride out the toughest days of being apart from one another. That little bit of hope can go a long way toward making the one you love seem not quite so far away.

How do you know if the one you’re into is “The One”? Download Lasting and check out the Dating series.

Long-distance relationships: how to understand if they are worth continuing

In 2020, due to the pandemic and related restrictions, many are faced with the fact that personal relationships had to be transferred online. At the same time, novels quite often begin with a long-distance relationship. What are the features of such an interaction and what mistakes should be avoided, says psychologist Alena Golzitskaya.

Alena Golzitskaya, systemic family psychotherapist, researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education, specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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Is it worth it to start a relationship at a distance

First of all, let me remind you that, as a rule, all romantic relationships are initially relationships at a distance (if you have concerns about this format, then perhaps this thought will cheer you up a little) . Nowadays, no one starts dating with a wedding and living together (I don’t take extreme cases into account), and the first meeting and initial communication increasingly takes place on the Internet, and not in the real world. The period of getting to know each other, associated with the search for common ground, the development of rules for interaction, the formulation of prohibitions, and falls on the very “traveling” format, when partners for the most part meet either somewhere in public places or on the territory belonging to each of them or online.

In this sense, relationships at a distance (at least in the initial phase), in essence, are not so different from the face-to-face format. Perhaps it is worth noting that when communicating at a distance, the effect of rose-colored glasses can be more pronounced - when we look at a partner not realistically, but prefer to rely on our own fantasies about him: at first, this effect is supported not only by hormones, but also by whether there are we have the opportunity to move into the field of real interaction or not.

A shot from the film “Before Dawn”

Otherwise, long-distance relationships are just as capable of giving us a cocktail of very different, sometimes conflicting feelings and emotions, for which (not least) we are looking for a romantic partner: euphoria, delight, surprise, doubt, fear, rage, happiness.

But after a while partners in whatever format they meet, the question invariably arises: what's next?

Is it worth continuing a relationship at a distance of

When should you doubt that a new relationship is worth investing time and effort into? First of all, focus on your own feeling of comfort in communication. I'm not talking here about natural anxiety in anticipation of contact with another person (especially romantic) - this is normal and happens to almost everyone at first.

Checklist

Before you really get into partnerships, ask yourself a few important questions:

Do you take the initiative to communicate with each other?
Are your interests and needs taken into account during communication?
Do you often feel embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid when interacting with this person?
Does your partner respect your view of things, especially if it differs from his/her opinion?
Do you often have to give up your plans in order to meet a person, while he does not meet your halfway?
Can you be yourself and feel comfortable in communication with him/her?
Do you often see the coincidence of these promises and their implementation, can you trust a person and his actions?

If most of the answers to these questions are “no”, then there is a very good chance that long distance relationships will not develop into a closer format. This is due to the fact that the person with whom you begin to communicate has a clearly expressed priority of his own needs, neglecting yours. In such conditions, it is almost impossible to build a good relationship - you will always find yourself in the position of a giver, and in return you will not receive anything significant.

Still from the movie Romantics 303

Why start online dating

The most popular way to start a romantic relationship remotely is through online dating apps. Let's say you met someone on Tinder or Badoo. Before we go any further, it is important to understand the purposes for which you enter into such communication. If this is an expansion of the circle of friends, unobtrusive correspondence or meetings for entertainment, then, probably, you will not be faced with the task of getting to know the person deeply, building a trusting contact for a long period of time. Then, it is quite possible that you will continue to communicate with some new acquaintances mainly in a remote format, and such relationships will not burden either you or the other side.

But what if you are looking for more serious interactions and want to build real relationships that eventually develop into partnerships or even family? In this case, nuances begin to appear that are worth paying attention to.

Users of online dating services note that some people with whom they communicate do not seek to leave the virtual format at all. Most often, these are either those who do not want to burden themselves with spending (time and money) on a partner, but want to get a source of arousal or satisfaction of sexual needs without much tension, or those who in this way feed their own illusion of having a wide network of contacts. In both cases, counting on the development of a serious relationship with such candidates is an empty undertaking, because none of them sets themselves such a goal.

Alas, when communicating through dating services, there is a real risk of getting stuck in unproductive long-distance relationships with those who profit from someone else's gullibility. (Of course, we are talking only about individual unscrupulous users, but vigilance does not hurt.)

Frame from the movie "LOL [laugh]" into a similar trap, ask yourself the following questions:

Do we often use real chances to communicate not only online, but also face-to-face with a communication partner?
Is my friend's contribution of time, money and effort to our relationship equivalent to my own contribution?
Can I refuse to communicate with my acquaintance on sexual and other complex topics if I feel uncomfortable, without fear of losing our contact?
Does the communication partner respect my reluctance to move into the plane of intimate communication online, if I consider it untimely/unacceptable?
Can I comfortably organize our remote communication in accordance with my own work and other employment?
Do I feel that my partner allows me to take a break to think about the answer, am I free / free to answer when it suits me, without feeling pressure from him / her?

Again, if most of the answers are negative, then you are at risk.

Are long distance relationships always unproductive

Of course not. There are circumstances when a long distance format of relationships is forced and inevitable - for example, if people live in different cities or countries, with a very tight schedule, special working conditions, or in emergency circumstances. Here are the main characteristics that make it possible to look at such relationships as promising.

Checklist

Important - your partner's clear need to know you deeply as a person, interest in your daily activities and surroundings.
A person tends to have steady, regular contact with you, and if there is an opportunity for face-to-face communication, he will definitely use it.
The partner demonstrates respect for your needs, does not impose his beliefs and views, gives space to be yourself and feel organic at the same time.
He/she is ready to be near (even at a distance) not only in moments of joy, but also in difficult situations. You are sure that you will not be left alone with your difficulties with the wording “figure it out yourself / yourself, this does not concern me.”
When entering into a conflict interaction, the partner does not slip into insults, does not humiliate, but tries to look for common ground for the further development of communication.

If your long-distance relationship meets these parameters, then it may indeed be worth the effort to strengthen it.

A shot from the movie “One Day”

How to maintain long-distance relationships

Let's be honest: it's not easy. First of all, because any serious relationship requires a predictable prospect, if not a life together, then the possibility of regular meetings live. It is very important for a couple to have common goals in the future, to make common plans.

In a long-term relationship at a distance, there must be an element of hope for togetherness - without this, they quickly fade away. It is impossible to imagine a long distance relationship in which partners do not live together at all even from time to time and have nothing in common in the physical, real world.

Try to discuss the plans of each of you and look for intersections: if you are talking about weekends or vacations, try to figure out where to really spend this time together.

Long distance relationships are always a test. It is worth noting that people with a special psychological profile often choose this format voluntarily - it is often difficult for them to stay in the presence of loved ones for a long time, as they do not know how to maintain a sense of their own autonomy without a sense of guilt or shame. Probably, during their growing up, parents or close adults did not set an example of harmonious coexistence with a partner, and they do not know how it is to be close to someone for a long time without the desire to distance themselves territorially. It can be difficult for such people to cope with the emotions that overwhelm them in a relationship, and one of the main options for solving this difficulty they see physical separation, withdrawal or departure.

In other words, sometimes long distance relationships are not a forced decision due to circumstances, but a purposeful vector for the development of interpersonal interaction. Only those people who in one way or another complement each other in their need to territorially regulate proximity can stay in such unions for a long time. In such a case, changing the format of the relationship may require the person to make a major change in how he or she interprets their feelings when the partner is physically around. Often, the help of a psychotherapist is required here, since behavior patterns are a stable thing, and their correction takes time and effort.

A still from the film “Love, Rosie”

How to protect yourself from infidelity

What other difficulties do people face in long distance relationships? Of course they have trust issues. It is very difficult, being hundreds of kilometers away from a partner, to be absolutely sure that he / she keeps his promise not to change. The credit of trust here is provided not only by verbal exhortations, but also by how transparent your interaction is - whether the partner had reasons not to trust you, whether you have faced lies from him / her before. It is also important whether the topic of betrayal was a trigger in the parental family of your lover or beloved.

If you or your partner have doubts about mutual fidelity, you can agree to be as accessible as possible for contact with each other: tell us what and where you will be doing in the near future, and most importantly, with whom. In turn, you can ask your partner to let you in on their plans for the day/week.

Honesty and openness in communication reduces the degree of wariness and makes you feel more confident. If this strategy does not work, then perhaps there is reason to discuss these doubts in more detail.

Since long-distance communication is limited by means of communication, sometimes we overreact to pauses in correspondence or to unanswered or rejected calls. How many quarrels happened because of the answers to the questions “Why were you online, but didn’t answer me for so long?”, “Why didn’t you pick up the phone?”, “Why didn’t you call me back ( a)?" and so on.

Try to be careful in your judgments. We are all living people, each of us has our own life, working and private. Always remember that there are several possible explanations for the lack of a quick response: your partner could be late for a meeting, be out of network coverage, or simply fall asleep earlier after a long day at work. Be patient - it is worth sounding the alarm only with regularly repeated refusals to answer messages or calls.

What if reality doesn't match expectations

One of the psychological mechanisms that most often manifest themselves in long-distance relationships is projection: we endow our communication partners with properties and traits that they may not have in reality. We complete their image in our head to understandable to us, but almost always it is illusory. Interestingly, some people prefer to remain in their illusions and fantasies without even trying to clarify how the real partner corresponds to the fictional one.

That is why, if you are planning to build a strong and long relationship with your lover/beloved, try to make contact in physical reality as soon as possible. Even if you often communicate via video calls and chat a lot, you still lose a significant part of the information about a person - about how he, for example, “feels” or how he smells. For a really deep relationship, these parameters are very important. None of us are perfect. The idealized image in your head is usually devoid of flaws, and the later you "devirtualize", the more painful it can be to face reality.

A frame from the movie "The Story of Marriage"

How to diversify communication at a distance

As a rule, online communication is characterized by a preliminary agreement: "We call each other at such and such a time in the evening. " But such strict planning of personal contacts often makes them routine and forced.

Try to build communication more flexibly - when you feel like it, when there is an impulse to call or write. Of course, it is worth taking into account the lifestyle of a partner and not getting stuck in his work schedule, for example. But find a way to add spontaneity to communication, especially if the relationship is already established and you are confident in it. Then an unexpected photo, a note with a confession of feelings or a wish for a good day will once again become a pleasant reminder that you are thinking about your lover or lover.

Remember that communication should be desirable - both for you and for your counterpart. Consideration of his/her personal boundaries, as well as a request for mutual respect for yours, is an essential condition for the success of any partnership, both virtual and in person. To build a productive relationship, only passion and love are sometimes not enough. There should be coincidences in outlooks on life, in how you build communication with each other, what goals you are going for and what you are ready to invest in relationships.

When you live together and meet every day, over time you inevitably find yourself in a space of routine and monotony; you see a partner in all its manifestations, both attractive and repulsive. But it is in such real interaction that true intimacy is born, which is impossible in a long-term relationship at a distance. That is why it is extremely difficult to really get to know a person and understand what it is like to be with him if you meet only for a few days a year. Successful long-distance relationships are not only those that take into account all the nuances described above, but also those that eventually lead people to a long comfortable stay on a common territory - after all, it is this format of jointness that brings us the greatest emotional satisfaction and a sense of happiness .

10 books about love and relationships. The choice of a psychologist

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Is it possible to maintain a relationship at a distance and how to do it

May 31, 2020Relationships

How to survive business trips, study abroad and other situations when you are threatened with a long separation.

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What is the complexity of such relationships

Actually, there can be many problems. Here are the main ones.

Partners lack attention

It is easier to take care and support a person in a difficult situation if he is nearby. You see each other every day, have dinner at the same table and discuss how the day went. You have a joint life, you are physically together and you can hug or kiss your loved one. Distance deprives these joys and creates a kind of abyss.

Ilya Shabshin

counseling psychologist, author of popular psychological books, leading specialist of the Volkhonka Psychological Center.

The main problem is mutual estrangement, the feeling that everyone lives on their own.

This becomes a frequent cause of resentment, quarrels and jealousy on the part of one or both participants in the relationship.

Sexual needs remain unsatisfied

Everyone has a different sexual constitution. But in a couple, one way or another, stability appears: often or rarely, but there is sex. When it suddenly disappears, problems can begin. The need remained, the ability to satisfy it disappeared. Because of this, quarrels and outbreaks of jealousy may arise, which, again, will cause new scandals.

The pressure of external circumstances interferes.

Friends or girlfriends plan joint leisure activities with their lovers, spend holidays together, go to the movies and share all the romantic news with you. It's easy to get depressed here.

It is not surprising that according to the ^{Long Distance Relationship Statistics 2018, almost half of all long distance relationships end in a breakup. But do not get upset ahead of time - many still have a chance of success.}

How to keep a relationship at a distance

Take care of each other

It is very important to be careful in communicating with a partner. Any stinging word or a dismissive tone can hurt, but you won’t be able to immediately come up, apologize and hug your loved one. You should also not provoke a companion to jealousy and cause unnecessary speculation about what is not in reality.

Olga Poluektova

Psychologist, gestalt therapist, instructor and owner of a yoga studio.

Different cities, countries, time zones contribute to the fact that resentment undermines the basis of relationships, and distrust grows.

The further apart you are, the more difficult it is to resolve conflict situations. That is why it is better not to allow them.

Maintain closeness

You need to compensate for live communication: call up, correspond. It is necessary to share news, experiences and emotions with a partner as often as possible.

The main task is to maintain a sense of closeness, community and trust.

Ilya Shabshin.

This does not mean that you are required to provide a daily minute-by-minute report on your actions, but you should not get off with a dry “everything is fine” either. The person on the other end of the line should feel like an important part of your life.

Respect the feelings of a partner

One person can deal with separation more easily than another. And at some point, for some of you, living in a long-distance relationship can become unbearably difficult. It is important to understand and accept this immediately. If you, unlike your partner, have not yet had time to get bored, you don’t need to say: “Come on, it’s only been a week. ” Don't discount other people's feelings—be understanding instead.

Saying "I told you it would" or "I can't go back sooner, stop bringing this up" will only make things worse. You need to look for solutions and show as often as possible that you care about the feelings of the other and you just as much want to see your loved one as soon as possible.

Add lively emotions to communication

The tone of the message can be interpreted incorrectly, and the heart emoticon hardly conveys how much you love the person. Therefore, to avoid misunderstandings and add life to communication, combine correspondence, calls and video conversations.

Vivid partner's emotions, eye contact exclude discrepancies.

Olga Poluektova.

This is especially true for resolving conflicts and discussing difficulties - do not do this in a messenger, use video communication.

Schedule "meetings"

It will be easier for you to adjust to the separation when the exact time of the next "meeting" - video call - is known in advance. Choose a convenient period of the day when neither you nor your partner are busy, so that you can talk slowly without being distracted by anything. On weekdays, for example, set aside an hour after work, on weekends - at any suitable time that will be convenient for each of you. Difficulties can arise if there is a significant difference in time zones, but even in this case, everything is doable.

Spend the holidays together

These days, the longing for loneliness can be stronger than ever. If you get a chance to meet, use it on holidays.

Try to spend "dangerous" periods together. These are various family holidays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day and so on.

Olga Poluektova.

Even if you are sure that you are resistant to such things, mass pressure, images of happy families everywhere and stories of acquaintances about joint plans can play a cruel joke, the psychologist believes.

Make up your own rituals

It could be words that you put in a hidden meaning that only the two of you can understand, paper letters or postcards sent from each new place, or even phone sex. You can, for example, agree to exchange photos immediately after waking up or before going to bed, so as not to forget how nice it is to wake up and fall asleep together. Or send quotes from novels and favorite books that describe your feelings and emotions. Dream together and find what suits your couple.

Do not shift responsibility to another

It happened: you have to live separately. And there is no need to blame anyone, because you both agreed to this. Therefore, the reproachful “We live like this because of you” should not be allowed.

Such a swing exhausts and deprives the couple of energy. And it's not easy to maintain a fire at a distance.

Olga Poluektova.

So be prepared for difficulties and take responsibility for your joint decision.

Trust

This is important for any relationship. Demanding proof of fidelity, checking social media, and counting likes from strangers signal a lack of trust. You need to learn how to cope with the surging emotions and understand that speculation may have nothing to do with reality. And also to realize that your today's experiences (if you do not dwell on them) will already pass tomorrow.

Discuss the issue of sex

Some couples come to an agreement and allow short relationships on the side. Others discuss in advance that they don't want to know anything about cheating if it doesn't affect the quality of the relationship in any way. For others, cheating is taboo. And it's important to discuss the topic of sex, to come to a common denominator, before you agree to a long-distance relationship.

However, you cannot control your partner (read the previous paragraph), so you will have to rely on the fact that each of you values the union equally.

Take stock of the situation

You learned that your partner went to the movies or dined at a restaurant with another or another. It hurt you, you are jealous and worried. This happens, and your task is to find out the reason and openly discuss the situation.

Sometimes dinner is an attempt to get attention, social strokes, to feel important and attractive, to get away from loneliness for a while.

Olga Poluektova.

Your relationship may not be in danger. Or vice versa - the partner fell in love, and he is tormented by doubts. It’s better for you to deal with this right away and evaluate whether this union can be saved, or futile attempts will only aggravate the relationship, and it’s time to end it.

What relationships are unlikely to stand the test of separation

Relationships without trust

Partners seek complete control over each other, are jealous and stop communication of their half with the opposite sex or even with friends. Relations at a distance in this case can turn into a daily interrogation. And instead of joy and pleasure from calls, the partner will have only one desire - not to pick up the phone at all.

An immature relationship built on codependency

For those who want to occupy all the space in their partner's life, long-distance relationships are not suitable. You don’t spend a single day separately, you have common hobbies and friends, going to visit not together is unacceptable - it can’t be otherwise! And even if someone doesn’t like something, they still have to do it. One thought of a separate vacation or a walk with friends without you is terrifying.

What is maturity? Respect for the "separateness" of the other: the presence of each of their own space, personal time, hobbies, circle of friends.

Olga Poluektova.

In a mature relationship, partners can easily spend time both together and separately. And this does not prevent them from being happy, but only strengthens the union. If there is no maturity, quarrels will begin from the moment the very possibility of long-distance relations is discussed, because for one this is unacceptable in principle. “How are you going to leave, but without me!” - it is not a fact that even arguments in favor of a higher salary can interrupt this phrase.

Short relationship

If the relationship between the partners is still not strong enough, there are no clear plans for a joint future, and the separation is planned for a long time, most likely it will not be possible to maintain such a relationship.

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