Married to a narcissist wife
Signs You’re Married To A Narcissist—And What To Do About It
It’s not that there are no red flags that signal narcissism during dating, it’s that many of the tell-tale traits of narcissism become more pronounced after getting hitched.
“With marriage—and parenthood—there’s more interdependence, more demands,” says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: How to Survive a Relationship with a Narcissist. “And that often doesn’t play well with an egocentric narcissist.”
Could your dearly beloved, in fact, be a narcissist? Here are some signs to clue you in.
Signs You Married A NarcissistSome of the same things that attracted you to your partner, such as confidence, assertiveness, and a big personality, may actually be the same characteristics that fuel their narcissism. Not all of the signs are obvious either, and some may have you wondering if you're the problem, not them.
#1: You Feel IsolatedDrifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess.
“After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process,” says Cristina Dorazio, PhD, a psychologist who provides both individual and couples therapy in New York City. Your significant other may go out of his or her way, for instance, to make an argument as to why they don't like your friend. (Bad-mouthing others is a very common narcissistic behavior, notes research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.)
“They can be very good at this, even making you start to question why you were ever friends in the first place,” says Dorazio. This is especially true for friends who are “on to” your narcissist spouse’s behavior.
#2: You're Being GaslightedWhy can’t you take a joke? I never said that! Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid. Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do. These questions and phrases can be typical of narcissists.
“This is all part of gaslighting,” says Durvasula. Here, an individual uses words or behavior to cause you to doubt and confuse your own reality. “I have never seen a narcissistic marriage in which gaslighting did not happen,” says Durvasula.
#3: Praise Looks Like ThisBefore you were married, there’s a good chance your now-spouse heaped on the flattery. (Narcissists know how to woo.) After the I Dos, however, that often shifts dramatically. Now, the compliments may only arrive when you are in the company of others.
“This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio.
Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.
#4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You JealousBeyond praising others, a narcissist may talk glowingly about an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you.
This is no accident or innocent misstep, but a strategic move designed to make you feel jealous, according to a 2017 report in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. Beyond stoking your own insecurity, researchers note that narcissists do this in order to wield control and/or to buoy their self-esteem.
Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family, says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb: “Narcissistic partners can become resentful of the time you invest in child care, so he might begin to insist that you focus more attention on the marriage than the child.”
This, however, is not universal. Some narcissists, in fact, dramatically shift their focus solely on the baby. “These narcissists may see the child as an extension of themselves, so they co-opt the child, leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement,” says Degges-White.
“Narcissists often blame any perceived ‘bad’ behavior of their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills,” says Dorazio. Adding insult to injury, narcissists are often not as involved as their spouse in raising children in the first place—and they often use their career as an excuse to bow out of responsibilities. “In fact, if the narcissistic husband is the sole provider or earns more money in the marriage, they’ll often use that as a counterargument to not taking care of the children,” says Dorazio.
#7: They 'Confide' In Your FamilyNarcissists are, by definition, self-involved folks who lack empathy. So it’s no shock that you’d likely turn to your support system to complain and commiserate about this type of behavior. The catch? Knowing very well that you’d likely do this, a narcissist may talk to your family and friends
before you get the chance to. “A narcissist may say he’s concerned that you’re a bit ‘off’ lately,” says Dorazio.
“Because, if he confides about your problematic behavior first, he takes the heat off himself.”
When dating, you were likely overwhelmed with signs of adoration, like constant love notes, flower deliveries and surprise gifts. (This is what it feels like to be swept off your feet, you thought!) After marriage, however—poof—it all stops. “You’ve been conquered through marriage, so courting with ‘love bombs’ is no longer needed,” says Dorazio, noting that these extravagant displays can often return, typically when your spouse wants something from you.
“For example, if you’re surprised with a trip, you may be expected to show your gratitude in a very specific way, like dressing a certain way while on the trip or being available for sex whenever your spouse wants,” says Dorazio.
#9: They Admit It!A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: "I am a narcissist.
" And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists can appear to be proud of it.
“Narcissists typically don’t perceive their behavior as a problem. Instead, they feel that they’re perfectly fine and others have problems,” notes Degges-White. That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope. Here are some tips on communicating with a narcissistic partner.
Argue this way. Narcissists cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
Ignore insults. Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight.
But if you refuse to play, a fight is less likely to happen.Ask yourself questions. It can be helpful to reflect on possible reasons why you chose, or perhaps were drawn to, a spouse who exhibits narcissism. (A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.
Foster other healthy relationships. Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive person who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.
Marriage is hard work, even in the best of circumstances. And society and families preach that marriage is “for better or worse.” On top of this, narcissists don’t usually take criticism or suggestions well. So, it’s no surprise that someone who stays with a narcissistic spouse may tend to tolerate or ignore their narcissistic behavior.
Unfortunately, tolerating behavior might also mean you’re allowing it.
When you make room for their behavior, you’re inadvertently enabling the narcissist to influence and control your life. In the process, you may start to lose or deny what’s important to you, including your hopes, dreams, and need for unconditional love.
You might feel you’re tolerating your spouse’s bad behavior only temporarily, while hoping or believing in a different future for your marriage. You imagine the relationship will get better somehow on its own or return to being more like a time when things were good.
But research on narcissists' relationships shows that although a narcissistic person might enhance their partner early in the relationship, as the relationship progresses, they will only become more focused on their own wants and needs—to the detriment of the other and the relationship.
As much as you may want to hope for change, it’s crucial to recognize that the mere act of sticking around and putting up with it will not improve a narcissist's behavior.
They need to want to work toward change.
A 2020 study published in PLOS One looked at the links between narcissism, infidelity, and relationship satisfaction in young adults. The researchers found that narcissism was a predictor of infidelity. In other words, people with narcissistic personality disorder might be more likely to cheat on their partners than the general population.
Narcissists cheat for different reasons, including a lack of empathy. According to a 2014 Personality Disorders report, lack of empathy is a primary distinguishing feature of NPD.
When a narcissistic spouse cheats, they don’t necessarily understand how their actions affect others. Narcissists tend to be present-centered, caring primarily about their moment-to-moment desires, with little regard for anyone else’s feelings.
When your partner cheats, it’s natural to wonder what you did wrong. But your partner’s infidelity is not your fault. The average person who cheats will feel some guilt, but when a narcissist cheats, they are less likely to consider the effects on their partner.
You may often feel unloved when married to a narcissist, which also isn’t your fault. According to a 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , people with NPD have traits that make it harder to love another person.
Your narcissistic spouse may not be able to support you or show genuine emotion. Any love or affection they show is often given only for their own benefit.
It’s possible that your spouse made you feel loved early in the relationship. They may even have made you feel like you were the most important person in the world. But as time progressed, it’s likely that they started to ignore and devalue you.
Narcissists are good at making the people close to them feel both loved and unloved, which can be confusing and emotionally draining. Narcissists usually want you to feel loved so that you love them back and fulfill their need to be adored. At the same time, they also want you to feel like you are undeserving of love and that no one but them could possibly love you.
This conflict can lead you to become emotionally dependent, making it less likely that you’ll leave. If you express concerns about your spouse’s behavior or consider leaving them, they will likely find a way to reel you back with promises of change, gifts, and extra attention. They may also (or alternatively) issue threats.
Love should not depend on absolute obedience or the suppression of your own needs—financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, or social. Love should be unconditional. Everyone, including you, deserves that kind of love.
Being Stuck or Taken Advantage of FinanciallyNarcissists are skilled at taking advantage of their spouses financially. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 99% of domestic abuse victims experience financial abuse. Money is the most significant barrier to leaving an abusive relationship.
If you’re married to a narcissist, you might be working and paying for everything while your partner refuses to work.
Or, your partner might keep any money they earn for themselves.
A narcissist may also use money as a way to punish their partner. When they get what they want, they might reward you financially (with a gift or money). When they’re being hurtful or cruel, they might withhold money, whether it’s for a genuine need (such as household supplies, food, clothing, etc.) or for something you simply want. If you can, try to be prepared—set some funds aside for basic expenses, or in case you find that you need to leave an unsafe situation quickly.
Being married to a narcissist can be difficult. If your narcissistic spouse is willing to seek help, it might be possible to navigate your marriage successfully together. But if they’re unwilling to do so, with the help of a trusted professional, you can always choose to seek peace of mind and heal by leaving the marriage.
- What you say about others could point to your own narcissism: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
2010. “Perceiver Effects as Projective Tests: What Your Perceptions of Others Say about You.” https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/ - Why narcissists spark jealousy: Personality and Individual Differences. 2017. “Do narcissists try to make romantic partners jealous on purpose? An examination of motives for deliberate jealousy-induction among subtypes of narcissism.” https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gregory_Tortoriello/publication/315693591_Do_narcissists_try_to_make_romantic_partners_jealous_on_purpose_An_examination_of_motives_for_deliberate_jealousy-induction_among_subtypes_of_narcissism/links/59d4ceed4585150177fc820f/Do-narcissists-try-to-make-romantic-partners-jealous-on-purpose-An-examination-of-motives-for-deliberate-jealousy-induction-among-subtypes-of-narcissism.pdf
- How to ID a narcissist: American Psychological Association. 2016. “Speaking of Psychology:Recognizing a narcissist” https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
- Are you a narcissist?: PLOS One.
2014. “Development and Validation of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS).” https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0103469
Altınok A, Kılıç N. Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: attachment styles as a moderator. PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277
Baskin-Sommers A, Krusemark E, Ronningstam E. Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives. Personal Disord. 2014;5(3):323-333. doi:10.1037/per0000061
Czarna AZ, Śmieja M, Wider M, et al Narcissism and partner-enhancement at different relationship stages. J Res Personal. 2022;98:104212. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2022.104212
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Quick guide: economic and financial abuse. Available at https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quick-guide-economic-and-financial-abuse. Published April 12, 2017. Accessed October 24, 2022.
Vrabel JK, Zeigler-Hill V, Lehtman M, et al. Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. J Social Pers Relat. 2019;37(1):124-142. doi:10.1177/0265407519858685
Notes: This article was originally published July 10, 2020 and most recently updated November 21, 2022.
Holly Pevzner
Holly is a self-described "slipper-wearer; Brooklyn-dweller; slow-cooker addict; and mom to two human rascals." She writes about parenting, pregnancy, health, nutrition, and family travel. Holly started her career as a magazine editor and spent years at several glossies, including Self, Prevention, and Fitness magazines. Now, as a freelancer, she works as a contributing editor at Scholastic Parent & Child, writes the family health column for First for Women, and regularly contributes sponsored, social, and traditional content to brands, pubs, and websites such as The Bump, Everyday Health, and Fisher-Price.
Signs You’re Married To A Narcissist—And What To Do About It
It’s not that there are no red flags that signal narcissism during dating, it’s that many of the tell-tale traits of narcissism become more pronounced after getting hitched.
“With marriage—and parenthood—there’s more interdependence, more demands,” says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: How to Survive a Relationship with a Narcissist. “And that often doesn’t play well with an egocentric narcissist.”
Could your dearly beloved, in fact, be a narcissist? Here are some signs to clue you in.
Signs You Married A NarcissistSome of the same things that attracted you to your partner, such as confidence, assertiveness, and a big personality, may actually be the same characteristics that fuel their narcissism. Not all of the signs are obvious either, and some may have you wondering if you're the problem, not them.
#1: You Feel IsolatedDrifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess.
“After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process,” says Cristina Dorazio, PhD, a psychologist who provides both individual and couples therapy in New York City.
Your significant other may go out of his or her way, for instance, to make an argument as to why they don't like your friend. (Bad-mouthing others is a very common narcissistic behavior, notes research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.)
“They can be very good at this, even making you start to question why you were ever friends in the first place,” says Dorazio. This is especially true for friends who are “on to” your narcissist spouse’s behavior.
#2: You're Being GaslightedWhy can’t you take a joke? I never said that! Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid. Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do. These questions and phrases can be typical of narcissists.
“This is all part of gaslighting,” says Durvasula. Here, an individual uses words or behavior to cause you to doubt and confuse your own reality. “I have never seen a narcissistic marriage in which gaslighting did not happen,” says Durvasula.
Before you were married, there’s a good chance your now-spouse heaped on the flattery. (Narcissists know how to woo.) After the I Dos, however, that often shifts dramatically. Now, the compliments may only arrive when you are in the company of others.
“This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio.
Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.
#4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You JealousBeyond praising others, a narcissist may talk glowingly about an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you. This is no accident or innocent misstep, but a strategic move designed to make you feel jealous, according to a 2017 report in the journal Personality and Individual Differences.
Beyond stoking your own insecurity, researchers note that narcissists do this in order to wield control and/or to buoy their self-esteem.
Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family, says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb: “Narcissistic partners can become resentful of the time you invest in child care, so he might begin to insist that you focus more attention on the marriage than the child.”
This, however, is not universal. Some narcissists, in fact, dramatically shift their focus solely on the baby. “These narcissists may see the child as an extension of themselves, so they co-opt the child, leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement,” says Degges-White.
#6: Your Parenting Skills Are Criticized“Narcissists often blame any perceived ‘bad’ behavior of their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills,” says Dorazio.
Adding insult to injury, narcissists are often not as involved as their spouse in raising children in the first place—and they often use their career as an excuse to bow out of responsibilities. “In fact, if the narcissistic husband is the sole provider or earns more money in the marriage, they’ll often use that as a counterargument to not taking care of the children,” says Dorazio.
Narcissists are, by definition, self-involved folks who lack empathy. So it’s no shock that you’d likely turn to your support system to complain and commiserate about this type of behavior. The catch? Knowing very well that you’d likely do this, a narcissist may talk to your family and friends before you get the chance to. “A narcissist may say he’s concerned that you’re a bit ‘off’ lately,” says Dorazio. “Because, if he confides about your problematic behavior first, he takes the heat off himself.”
#8: The Signature 'Love Bombs' DwindleWhen dating, you were likely overwhelmed with signs of adoration, like constant love notes, flower deliveries and surprise gifts.
(This is what it feels like to be swept off your feet, you thought!) After marriage, however—poof—it all stops. “You’ve been conquered through marriage, so courting with ‘love bombs’ is no longer needed,” says Dorazio, noting that these extravagant displays can often return, typically when your spouse wants something from you.
“For example, if you’re surprised with a trip, you may be expected to show your gratitude in a very specific way, like dressing a certain way while on the trip or being available for sex whenever your spouse wants,” says Dorazio.
#9: They Admit It!A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: "I am a narcissist." And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists can appear to be proud of it.
“Narcissists typically don’t perceive their behavior as a problem. Instead, they feel that they’re perfectly fine and others have problems,” notes Degges-White. That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope. Here are some tips on communicating with a narcissistic partner.
Argue this way. Narcissists cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
Ignore insults. Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight. But if you refuse to play, a fight is less likely to happen.
Ask yourself questions. It can be helpful to reflect on possible reasons why you chose, or perhaps were drawn to, a spouse who exhibits narcissism.
(A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.Foster other healthy relationships. Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive person who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.
Marriage is hard work, even in the best of circumstances. And society and families preach that marriage is “for better or worse.” On top of this, narcissists don’t usually take criticism or suggestions well. So, it’s no surprise that someone who stays with a narcissistic spouse may tend to tolerate or ignore their narcissistic behavior.
Unfortunately, tolerating behavior might also mean you’re allowing it. When you make room for their behavior, you’re inadvertently enabling the narcissist to influence and control your life. In the process, you may start to lose or deny what’s important to you, including your hopes, dreams, and need for unconditional love.
You might feel you’re tolerating your spouse’s bad behavior only temporarily, while hoping or believing in a different future for your marriage. You imagine the relationship will get better somehow on its own or return to being more like a time when things were good.
But research on narcissists' relationships shows that although a narcissistic person might enhance their partner early in the relationship, as the relationship progresses, they will only become more focused on their own wants and needs—to the detriment of the other and the relationship.
As much as you may want to hope for change, it’s crucial to recognize that the mere act of sticking around and putting up with it will not improve a narcissist's behavior. They need to want to work toward change.
CheatingA 2020 study published in PLOS One looked at the links between narcissism, infidelity, and relationship satisfaction in young adults. The researchers found that narcissism was a predictor of infidelity.
In other words, people with narcissistic personality disorder might be more likely to cheat on their partners than the general population.
Narcissists cheat for different reasons, including a lack of empathy. According to a 2014 Personality Disorders report, lack of empathy is a primary distinguishing feature of NPD.
When a narcissistic spouse cheats, they don’t necessarily understand how their actions affect others. Narcissists tend to be present-centered, caring primarily about their moment-to-moment desires, with little regard for anyone else’s feelings.
When your partner cheats, it’s natural to wonder what you did wrong. But your partner’s infidelity is not your fault. The average person who cheats will feel some guilt, but when a narcissist cheats, they are less likely to consider the effects on their partner.
Feeling UnlovedYou may often feel unloved when married to a narcissist, which also isn’t your fault. According to a 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people with NPD have traits that make it harder to love another person.
Your narcissistic spouse may not be able to support you or show genuine emotion. Any love or affection they show is often given only for their own benefit.
It’s possible that your spouse made you feel loved early in the relationship. They may even have made you feel like you were the most important person in the world. But as time progressed, it’s likely that they started to ignore and devalue you.
Narcissists are good at making the people close to them feel both loved and unloved, which can be confusing and emotionally draining. Narcissists usually want you to feel loved so that you love them back and fulfill their need to be adored. At the same time, they also want you to feel like you are undeserving of love and that no one but them could possibly love you.
This conflict can lead you to become emotionally dependent, making it less likely that you’ll leave. If you express concerns about your spouse’s behavior or consider leaving them, they will likely find a way to reel you back with promises of change, gifts, and extra attention.
They may also (or alternatively) issue threats.
Love should not depend on absolute obedience or the suppression of your own needs—financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, or social. Love should be unconditional. Everyone, including you, deserves that kind of love.
Being Stuck or Taken Advantage of FinanciallyNarcissists are skilled at taking advantage of their spouses financially. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 99% of domestic abuse victims experience financial abuse. Money is the most significant barrier to leaving an abusive relationship.
If you’re married to a narcissist, you might be working and paying for everything while your partner refuses to work. Or, your partner might keep any money they earn for themselves.
A narcissist may also use money as a way to punish their partner. When they get what they want, they might reward you financially (with a gift or money). When they’re being hurtful or cruel, they might withhold money, whether it’s for a genuine need (such as household supplies, food, clothing, etc.
) or for something you simply want. If you can, try to be prepared—set some funds aside for basic expenses, or in case you find that you need to leave an unsafe situation quickly.
Being married to a narcissist can be difficult. If your narcissistic spouse is willing to seek help, it might be possible to navigate your marriage successfully together. But if they’re unwilling to do so, with the help of a trusted professional, you can always choose to seek peace of mind and heal by leaving the marriage.
- What you say about others could point to your own narcissism: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2010. “Perceiver Effects as Projective Tests: What Your Perceptions of Others Say about You.” https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/
- Why narcissists spark jealousy: Personality and Individual Differences. 2017. “Do narcissists try to make romantic partners jealous on purpose? An examination of motives for deliberate jealousy-induction among subtypes of narcissism.
” https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gregory_Tortoriello/publication/315693591_Do_narcissists_try_to_make_romantic_partners_jealous_on_purpose_An_examination_of_motives_for_deliberate_jealousy-induction_among_subtypes_of_narcissism/links/59d4ceed4585150177fc820f/Do-narcissists-try-to-make-romantic-partners-jealous-on-purpose-An-examination-of-motives-for-deliberate-jealousy-induction-among-subtypes-of-narcissism.pdf - How to ID a narcissist: American Psychological Association. 2016. “Speaking of Psychology:Recognizing a narcissist” https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
- Are you a narcissist?: PLOS One. 2014. “Development and Validation of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS).” https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0103469
Altınok A, Kılıç N. Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: attachment styles as a moderator.
PLoS One. 2020;15(11):e0242277. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0242277
Baskin-Sommers A, Krusemark E, Ronningstam E. Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives. Personal Disord. 2014;5(3):323-333. doi:10.1037/per0000061
Czarna AZ, Śmieja M, Wider M, et al Narcissism and partner-enhancement at different relationship stages. J Res Personal. 2022;98:104212. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2022.104212
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Quick guide: economic and financial abuse. Available at https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/quick-guide-economic-and-financial-abuse. Published April 12, 2017. Accessed October 24, 2022.
Vrabel JK, Zeigler-Hill V, Lehtman M, et al. Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. J Social Pers Relat. 2019;37(1):124-142. doi:10.1177/0265407519858685
Notes: This article was originally published July 10, 2020 and most recently updated November 21, 2022.
Holly Pevzner
Holly is a self-described "slipper-wearer; Brooklyn-dweller; slow-cooker addict; and mom to two human rascals.
" She writes about parenting, pregnancy, health, nutrition, and family travel. Holly started her career as a magazine editor and spent years at several glossies, including Self, Prevention, and Fitness magazines. Now, as a freelancer, she works as a contributing editor at Scholastic Parent & Child, writes the family health column for First for Women, and regularly contributes sponsored, social, and traditional content to brands, pubs, and websites such as The Bump, Everyday Health, and Fisher-Price.
When your wife is a narcissist: 7 dangers in a relationship
“To whom do narcissists usually get attached? To anyone: to parents, children, spouses, friends, even business partners. Narcissists are drawn to anyone who is ready to give them endless attention, admire them, appreciate and love them, ”explains psychotherapist Christine Hammond. The ego of a narcissist requires constant "feeding", so he is looking for someone who is ready to admire and indulge him. For example, for Mary, her husband became such a person.
“If a narcissist develops an unhealthy attachment to one of the children, he becomes a favorite, and the rest are almost forgotten. Everything is forgiven to the pet, and the “forgotten” children, on the contrary, are punished for any trifle. Unfortunately for pets, this relationship with their parents can cause them no less harm than their "forgotten" brothers and sisters.
Beloved child and his narcissistic parent merge into one. When such a child grows up and marries, the parent refuses to recognize his husband or wife and constantly tries to destroy their relationship, ”explains the expert.
Using the example of Philip and Mary, consider the seven dangers that lie in wait for someone who has become the object of a narcissistic attachment.
1. Focus shift
Philip's entire attention was focused on his wife: her wants, needs, thoughts and feelings. When planning anything, he always asked himself: “What will Maria think?” He practically gave up his own thoughts and feelings for the sake of his wife.
2. Loss of individuality
Mary's attachment to Philip was so strong that she considered him as her extension. There are no personal boundaries in such relationships. Philip thought and felt the same as Mary, and any attempt to show his individuality met with strong resistance and was perceived as a betrayal.
3. Feeling of superiority
At first, the narcissist's affection feels overwhelming. He literally wraps you in love, which can cause a real addiction. At first, Mary constantly praised Philip and did not notice any of his misdeeds and shortcomings. This gave him a false sense of superiority, because Mary was not attached to anyone else as much as to him. Sometimes she moved away from him for a while, and then they approached again, which only strengthened this feeling.
4. Feeling rejected
And yet, in those periods when his wife moved away, Philip felt rejected. She either ignored him, or constantly lashed out at him: she cursed him, threatened to abandon or break things dear to him.
She always had her own version of events, and in order to keep peace in the family, her husband agreed with her, took responsibility for what he did not do, and begged her to stay. Even after reconciliation, this feeling of rejection persisted, and there was a fear that everything would happen again.
5. Life in constant tension
Philip literally had to walk on tiptoe next to Maria. He had to constantly adjust to her mood, otherwise a scandal would have erupted. She was happy - and he was happy, she was sad - he was sad too. Personal boundaries were so blurred that Philip sometimes did not understand where he was and where she was.
6. The risk of becoming a "scapegoat"
Maria never admitted her guilt. She placed the responsibility for her misdeeds and mistakes on her husband, who became a "scapegoat". She never apologized, but she made him apologize for every little thing. Philip began to think that he was a terrible person.
7. Fear of provoking a scene of jealousy
Philip could not communicate with friends without Mary's approval.
Because of her, his relationship with his best friend and relatives deteriorated. She forced him to change jobs and insisted that they move to the other side of town. If he struck up a friendship with someone, she made a scandal: they say, he no longer loves her.
Philip needed psychotherapy to realize how destructive a narcissist's attachment can be. After a while, he was ready to enter into a healthy relationship.
My wife is a daffodil - KP.RU
Komsomolskaya Pravda
House. FamilyRelationshipsOpinions
Daria ZAVGORODNYA
September 26, 2018 22:00
Is there a “narcissistic personality disorder”? Or was it invented by American psychologists to take more money from people?
There are too many daffodils around, you can't cure them all. Photo: Ekaterina MARTINOVICH
A bunch of studies confirm that daffodils are more often men. But there are also women.
“I am completely confused in my life… I got married two years ago. My wife is very beautiful, smart, passionate, active. When I saw her, the ground fell from under my feet. We collaborated on work, she showed brilliance and class in her work (she is a translator and business consultant). I fell in love. Filled with flowers, gifts, attention. Made an offer. She did not immediately agree, they lived for some time without painting.
In the first months I could not believe that such a girl chose me. Lived like a dream, did everything for her: a vacation in Mauritius? Please! Shopping in Europe - will be done. A fur coat for fifteen thousand euros is not a question. At the same time, he resignedly transferred fifty thousand to her card every month.
So I did not notice myself how I turned into a fairy-tale character. But not in a handsome prince, but in a man from a casket. He jumped out of the casket, granted wishes, got back and slammed the lid.
She does not want children, although she is already twenty-eight. He wants to work and look for himself. And most importantly, as a person she is generally indifferent to me. Although I am a versatile person, I have something to talk about ... And she talks to me. But only about his precious person. I don't remember when we talked about MY life, or about anything else besides it. After all, she is a star. She has an identity crisis every two months. And I - well, what can be interesting in my life? A simple deputy general director in a small company. Well, two diplomas of international importance. Well, nothing.
After we lived together for a while, I saw some details. Constantly changes jobs. He settles down, powders the brains of everyone there with his genius, then leaves with a scandal. Not a single salary is worthy of her royal person. She also doesn’t have a university diploma, which she talked about a lot at the beginning: she dropped out of her third year, as it turned out. Yes, she is capable, she grasps everything on the fly, but writing a business letter - even in Russian - is a problem for her.
Like a donkey after a carrot, I was jogging after it. As long as you don't fall in love! But it looks like she fell out of love anyway. Relationships are getting dimmer and dimmer. Increasingly, he takes offense at me and sends me to “ignore”. To the question "what happened?" replies: “I don’t know” and can be silent for whole days. For example, simply because I came home from work late. Either I asked an unpleasant question, or I answered another request: “Wait, cat, there is no money yet.”
This, in fact, prompted me to go to a psychologist. And the psychologist stunned me: "Your wife has a narcissistic personality disorder." Never heard of such a disease. I bought literature, and the psychologist told me something. It's interesting that you know about it.
Best regards,
Vladimir, 39 years old.”
I remember, having learned about narcissism, I began to feel for its symptoms in myself. Found a couple. Calmed down. Because a "disorder" is when you have more than four of the signs described in the old American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Here they are:
1. Grandiose conceit. “I am an ordinary person,” is something a narcissist would never say about himself. Rather: "I am the smartest and most talented navel of the earth."
2. Fantasizes about great success, power, splendor, beauty, or ideal love. To love like a queen, to steal, like a million.
3. Faith in one's own uniqueness. He believes that only the most intelligent, rich, famous will understand him (underline as necessary).
4. In dire need of admiration. We all need recognition, but these guys especially - every second.
5. Treats people selfishly. Looking for benefits in a relationship. If a person has quarreled with all his relatives and is almost not friends with anyone, there is reason to think: “Are you a narcissist, my friend?”.
6. Thinks he has some special rights. Everyone should jump around him and fulfill any whim. Why? Yes, by the way. I remember recently in the store: a lady in a "leopard" dress swears for a long time and in detail with the cashier, and the queue is standing and waiting.
7. Does not know how to sympathize. In general, other people's emotions do not care for him.
8. Terribly envious of successful people, although he is unlikely to admit it. Envy masks criticism. Sometimes he thinks that everyone is jealous of him.
9. Arrogant and arrogant with those who do not occupy a very high position in society. He does not greet the cleaners, in short.
At one time, American psychiatrists considered these "superhumans" to be sick people, but then they refused to treat them: there are too many daffodils around, you can't cure them all. And they don't want to either.
I agree with the Americans. A bad person is not a diagnosis. What difference does it make to you what your wife's bad temper is called? At least call it a pot, but you have to get divorced.
You, dear readers, probably also want to add something else to what has been said. And tell me your thoughts, feelings, stories by mail [email protected].
If I publish, I will change the name, age, place of action.
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