Is true love possible
What Love Is and What It Is Not
True Love: What Love Is and What It Is Not
Relationships By PsychAlive
The topic of true love has been debated for centuries. Cynics often swear it doesn’t exist, while hopeless romantics think everyone should set out to find their soulmates. With science now showing that true love is not only possible, but can actually last a lifetime, we’ve decided to look at the psychological elements that allow love to bloom or fade.
Let’s start by defining what true love really is:
What is True Love?
Dr. Lisa Firestone, co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, often says that the best way to think of love is as a verb. Love is dynamic and requires action to thrive. As Dr. Firestone wrote, “Often, we spend our time worrying about what our partner feels toward us or how the relationship looks from the outside. Even though it feels good to be loved by someone else, each one of us can only really feel our loving feelings for another person and not that person’s feelings for us.
In order to connect with and sustain those loving feelings within us, we have to take actions that are loving. Otherwise, we may be living in fantasy.”
At times it may feel frustrating, but it’s actually pretty empowering to accept the fact that the only person we have any true control over in a relationship is ourselves. We are in charge of our half of the dynamic. Therefore, we can choose whether to engage in behaviors that are destructive to intimacy or whether to take actions that express feelings of love, compassion, affection, respect, and kindness. In order to consciously and consistently choose the latter, it’s valuable to look at the characteristics that in more than 30 years of studying couples, Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found to be vital to maintaining truly loving.
The father and daughter research team created what they call the “Couples Interactions Chart,” which compares the characteristics of an ideal relationship to those of what Dr. Robert Firestone termed a “fantasy bond.
” The fantasy bond is an “illusion of connection and closeness [that allows couples] to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance.” A fantasy bond forms when couples substitute real love and closeness for the form of being in a relationship. This bond diminishes the feelings of liveliness and attraction between individuals.
1. Non-defensiveness and openness vs. angry reactions to feedback
To maintain closeness, couples should be open with each other, which means being willing to hear feedback from each other without being defensive or discouraging. Dr. Lisa Firestone advises couples to look for the kernel of truth in what they’re partner is saying. That truth can offer an important clue into ways we may be pushing our partner away without realizing it. Even if we don’t agree with everything, listening to our partner naturally makes them feel seen, heard, and cared about.
On the other hand, punishing our partner for being honest and direct with us shuts down communication.
2. Open to trying something new vs. closed to new experiences
A relationship thrives when both people are in touch with a lively, open, and vulnerable side to themselves that welcomes new experiences. We don’t have to love and participate in everything our partner enjoys, but sharing new activities, visiting new places, and breaking routines often breathes new life into a relationship that feels invigorating to both people.
3. Honesty and integrity vs. deception and duplicity
To tell the truth is one of the first lessons most of us are taught as kids. Yet, as adults, there can be a lot of deception in our closest relationships. When we are dishonest with our partner, we do them, the relationship, and ourselves a great disservice. In order to feel vulnerable with our partner, we must trust them, and this can only be achieved through honesty.
4. Respect for the other’s boundaries, priorities and goals vs. overstepping boundaries
To avoid a fantasy bond, we have to see the other person as separate from us. That means respecting them as a unique, autonomous individual. Often, couples tend to take on roles or play into power dynamics. We may tell each other what to do or how to act. Or we may speak for and about each other in ways that are limiting or defining. Essentially, we treat them as extensions of ourselves rather than separate human beings. As a result, we actually limit our own attraction to them. As Dr. Lisa Firestone says, “We treat the other person like our right arm. Then we are no more attracted to them than we are to our right arm.”
5. Physical affection and personal sexuality vs. lack of affection and inadequate, impersonal, or routine sexuality
Affection is a huge part of how we express love. When we cut ourselves off to our feelings of affection, we tend to deaden the relationship.
This weakens the spark between ourselves and our partner. Sexuality can become routine or impersonal, and as a result, both partners feel more distant and less satisfied. Keeping love alive means staying in touch with a part of ourselves that wants physical contact and is willing to give and receive affection.
6. Understanding vs. misunderstanding
It’s easy to project onto our partner or to misunderstand things they’re saying, either using them to feel hurt or attacked in old, familiar ways that resonate with us. It’s also easy to get stuck in our own point of view without seeing things from the other person’s perspective. We are always going to be two different people with two sovereign minds, so we won’t always see eye to eye. However, it’s important to really try to understand our partner from a clear point of view. When our partner feels seen and understood, they are much more likely to soften and see our perspective as well.
7. Noncontrolling, nonmanipulative and nonthreatening behaviors vs.
manipulations of dominance and submission
Many couples find themselves wrapped up in dynamics where one acts like a parent and the other like a child. One looks to the other for guidance then resents that person for telling them what to do. Or one person tries to control the situation, then complains that the other person is irresponsible, immature, or passive. In order for a relationship to be truly loving, it must be equal. When one person tries to control or manipulate the other, be it by yelling and screaming or stonewalling and playing the victim, neither person is experiencing an adult, equal, and loving relationship.
Learn more about the Fantasy Bond in PsychAlive’s eCourse, The Fantasy Bond: The Key to Understanding Ourselves and Our Relationships
How to Create a Truly Loving Relationship
Now that we know the characteristics of real love, how can we take steps in ourselves to create a more loving relationship? First off, it’s important to acknowledge that despite these clear-sounding discrepancies between real love and fantasy, many people mistake one for the other.
They may even prefer fantasy to reality, because it’s less painful to appear connected to someone than to actually feel connected to them.
Many of us become caught up in the fairy tale, the superficial elements, or the form of the relationship (i.e. how it looks as opposed to how it feels). We may fall in love with the illusion of connection or security of the situation offers, but we don’t let ourselves get too close to the other person. That is because, while most of us think we want love, we often actually take actions to push it away. That is why the first step to being more loving is to get to know and challenge our own defenses.
1. Challenging the defenses that limit true love
Many people have fears of intimacy of which they aren’t even aware. We may be tolerant of realizing our dreams of falling in love in fantasy, but very often we are intolerant of having that dream fulfilled in reality. Dr. Robert Firestone describes how being loved by someone threatens our defenses and reawakens emotional pain and anxiety from childhood.
He’s posited that both giving and receiving love tend to disrupt the negative, yet familiar, ways we think about ourselves. “On an unconscious level, we may sense that if we did not push love away, the whole world as we have experienced it would be shattered and we would not know who we are.”
For these reasons, the biggest obstacle to finding and maintaining a loving relationship is often us. We have to get to know what defenses we bring to the table that ward off love. For example, if we grew up feeling rejected, we may feel anxious about getting too close to another person. We may not feel we can really trust or rely on a partner, so we either cling to that person or ward him or her off, both which lead to the same result of creating distance.
If we felt criticized or resented in our childhood, we may have trouble feeling confident or worthwhile in our relationships. We may seek out partners who put us down in ways that feel familiar, or we may never fully accept our partners loving feelings for us, because they threaten this early self-perception.
If we felt intruded on in our early lives or if we had an “emotionally hungry” parent, we may avoid intimacy altogether and feel pseudoindependent, or we may subconsciously seek out people who depend on us to meet all their needs and more. Again, both of these extremes can lead to relationships that lack real closeness and intimacy.
The good news is we can start to break these destructive relationship patterns by better knowing ourselves and our defenses. Why do we choose the partners we do? What are the qualities we’re drawn to – good and bad? Are there ways we distort or provoke our partner to act in ways that fit with our defenses? How do we create distance? What behaviors do we engage in that may feel self-protective but actually push love away.
Learn more about the Fear of Intimacy
2. Differentiation from the past influences that no longer serve you in the present
Dr. Robert Firestone has further developed an approach to challenging old, engrained patterns and defenses, a process he refers to as differentiation.
This process involves four steps:
- Differentiate from critical, punishing, and destructive attitudes that you internalized in your early lives
- Differentiate from undesirable traits in your parents that you see in yourself
- Challenge the defensive reactions you had (as a child self) that no longer serve you in the present
- Formulating and learning to live by your own values – who do you want to be?
Taking these steps of differentiation allows us to live in a less defended state in which we go after what we really want in life.
Learn more about Differentiation
How to Make True Love Last
Many answers to why love fades can be found in understanding how and why we form a fantasy bond. The fantasy bond is the ultimate defense against love. Even after we’ve dropped our guard and allowed ourselves to fall in love, as soon as we get scared, be it of losing our partner or differentiating from our old, familiar identity, we may turn to a fantasy bond to allow us to maintain an illusion that we are not alone, while preserving emotional distance from our partner.
To avoid a fantasy bond, we should avoid the characteristics listed above but also take the following actions.
Actions to break a fantasy bond and become more loving:
- Be affectionate. Find even the smallest ways to make contact and show affection and attraction.
- Slow down and be present. Make time to really talk and listen to your partner.
- Make eye contact. It sounds simple, but we often forget to just look at our partner.
- Try something old. Make time and don’t stop doing the activities you loved to do together.
- Try something new. Don’t just fall into routine. Keep suggesting new activities and be open to ones your partner suggests.
- Break routine. If doing the same thing is deadening your excitement, be open to breaking the habit and making space for spontaneity.
- Avoid passivity and control.
Strive for an equal exchange of ideas. Take responsibility for your own actions and don’t try to control your partner. - Talk as an “I” instead of a “we”. Remember you will always be two separate people and not to overstep boundaries which diminishes attraction.
- Be aware of your critical inner voice. We all have an inner enemy that criticizes ourselves and our partner and undermines our closest relationships
- Do something independently. Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Don’t give up friendships and activities you enjoy on your own and don’t aask you partner to either
- Communicate what you feel. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Saying what you want and feel directly helps you avoid passive-aggressive or nasty ways of relating. It also encourages your partner to do the same.
- Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality.
Love is an action each of us must choose for ourselves. When we start measuring what we do for each other, we create expectations and breed resentment instead of staying in touch with how good it feels to be loving toward someone else. - Support the things that light your partner up. Never stop supporting and encouraging your partner to be the most alive and to do the things that make your partner feel the most like him/herself… even when those things aren’t what matter most to you.
- Take actions your partner would perceive as loving. Make sure the things you do are things that matter specifically to your partner. You may love getting flowers, but is that something that would make your partner feel loved?
- Don’t become closed off. It’s much too easy to shut down whenever we feel embarrassed, anxious, disappointed, or triggered by our partner, but we have to fight to not be closed off and push away the love that comes toward us.
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Tags: fantasy bond, fantasy love, lasting love, Lasting relationship, love, relationship advice, relationships, true love
9 Reasons True Love Does Exist Says Expert Kim Saeed
Insiders in Hollywood know that the off-screen go-to good guy, even during writer or actor strikes, is Tom Hanks. So what does this have to do with True Love? Read on, cynical hearts, because there’s a relationship mechanic named Kim Saeed who has graciously agreed to do a rundown on kismet.
Meanwhile, rifling through a few dictionary definitions is useful because it shows the range of parameters, and indicates that even linguistic experts can not agree on one definition.
YourDictionary online describes it this way: “True love is a strong and lasting affection between spouses or lovers who are in a happy, passionate and fulfilling relationship. An example of true love is the emotion shared between a couple who has been married for 40 years and who are still passionate about each other and care deeply for each other.
”
Not sure where they came up with the 40-year benchmark, perhaps it’s the Moses in the desert yardstick?
Ironically, Cambridge Dictionary has a prompt for “True Crime” as the next search option.
William Goldman, who wrote so eloquently about the heart’s conundrum in his classic movie “The Princess Bride” (Robin Wright, Cary Elwes), was himself less of a true believer in real life. Famously, he once said: “true love is the best thing in the world, besides cough drops.”
Even if you’re in or you’re out on the subject, at least you’ll know what to look for and how to handle it should True Love find you anytime soon.
Kim Saeed of KimSaeed.com is a recognized relationship expert.Well here goes…
Quendrith Johnson: How does anyone keep a love life lit up in cynical times?
Kim Saeed: The days of being enmeshed with another person 24/7 are over.
There’s no mystery or excitement in that and it can lead to boredom and indifference.
If someone wants to be with their partner all hours of the day, this could be a sign of an insecure attachment style which can lead to problems later.
It’s also a sign that someone is jealous and controlling.
If someone is trying to isolate you from your friends and family, it’s one of the top red flags of emotional manipulation. Run fast in the opposite direction.
But, if you’re in a cynical phase in your relationship and you don’t detect signs of dysfunction, here’s what to do: don’t chase, beg, or cling. Don’t issue ultimatums. This is a sure way to create distance, resentment, and unwanted pressure.
Sure, there may be a need for communication. Relationships die a slow death without it, but instead of forcing things, take a breather and make some space where both people can be themselves. This is the fastest way to decompress, while creating magic and mystery at the same time.
However, if one party is always going dark, disappearing without explanation, and not available by cell phone for days, this is another sign of dysfunction.
If this is a pattern in your relationship, it’s a sign of bad things to come.
Quendrith Johnson: Is every man the same when it comes to his woman?
Kim Saeed: Men can be fickle creatures.
They generally don’t approach relationships the same way women do. A man might be in a relationship with a gal where there’s lots of chemistry and attraction, but she may not be long-term girlfriend material for him or someone he’d take home to meet the parents.
Men obviously enjoy being physically attracted to a woman, but more than physical attraction, most men need emotional attraction.
Therefore, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, jumping into bed on the first date might not be the right move. Men typically want someone who’s selective, and if he gets the feeling that a woman jumps into bed with everyone on the first date, he might keep her around a while, but he’ll still be on the prowl for someone more elusive.
Unless a man is manipulative or narcissistic, they want the thrill of the chase.
Narcissists, manipulators, and players, however, love moving fast to get their hooks into others.
Quendrith Johnson: What should women know to put the “man” in manage?
Kim Saeed: The era of the submissive, quiet, martyr-type woman is coming to an end.
Generally, the only men who still want that in a mate are either uber-religious or manipulative.
Women need to show up as high value, not only for others, but for themselves, too.
What this means is to stop turning the other cheek all the time and accepting unacceptable behaviors.
For example, the man who constantly shows up late and devalues your time. Or, maybe they’re on their phone the whole evening while you’re out to dinner. They need to know there will be consequences if this behavior continues.
There’s no need to go off the rails about it, but do get the point across in a non-confrontational way. If the unwanted behaviors continue, be willing to walk away and mean it.
We are not obligated to keep space in our lives for people who are unthoughtful or entitled. Allowing men, or anyone else, to continue overstepping boundaries is a recipe for an unhappy life.
Quendrith Johnson: When your relationship is a car/plane/train wreck, how to exit the vehicle safely?
Kim Saeed: This really depends on the individual you’re in relationship with.
Normal people will generally be understanding if you want to end your relationship for whatever reason. They may be hurt or disappointed, but they will respect your wishes.
Narcissists and manipulators, however, usually cause great chaos.
They will typically get very angry, highly insulted, and possibly violent.
In this case, you will need to use extra measures. A restraining order might even be required. If you suspect your partner falls into this category, do not try to communicate with them in your usual manner. In this case, you’ll want to keep your plans to leave to yourself and exit the relationship as quietly as possible.
If chaos ensues, get the police involved, if necessary.
If you share children, however, you’ll need to contact an attorney who’s familiar with the laws of your state to help you.
Quendrith Johnson: What’s the best love story you’ve ever heard – from real life, the movies, or your own invention?
Kim Saeed: I love a good love story as much as the next person.
One of my favorites of all time is the movie, “The Lover” with Jane March and Tony Ka Fai Leung. It’s the age-old story of forbidden, yet inescapable romance. When I first watched it in my early 20’s, I was completely smitten with both of the main characters. I watched it over and over, even buying the VHS. But, as I grew older and moved around, I lost it.
My next favorite is “Nights in Rodanthe” starring Diane Lane.
It truly plays into the ultimate fantasy of what true love could be like.
Diane Lane, who lives out fantasies for us, and in real life is a doll.
I won’t give away any details for those who haven’t seen it but suffice it to say that I loved the movie so much, I vacationed next to the famous Inn at Rodanthe in the Outer Banks.
In fact, I was supposed to stay there last year, but they put in on the market to sell, so I had to move to a different rental.
Quendrith Johnson: Why do we lose our own identity in most love stories?
Kim Saeed: I believe we lose our identities in most love stories because we want real life to be like what we see on the silver screen (or read in a novel).
Most of us want someone to truly love and accept us for who we are, without any of the disappointment that goes into most relationships. We want a companion, a lover, a friend. Someone who sees the real ‘us’ and remains devoted and love-struck.
And during those few hours of watching a movie or reading a novel, that’s what we get to experience because the subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between reality and something we imagine.
We truly become part of the story.
Quendrith Johnson: How come Summer Love is a thing?
Kim Saeed: I think most of us have experienced ‘Summer Love’ at some point in our lives. But, what really makes it so memorable is the neuroscience of it.
Summer love is exciting, a temporary escape from routines. You go off to a different land, or just a faraway beach, and you see someone who seems like everything you’ve ever fantasized about.
Most love starts with a tone of intrusive thinking.
We replay the sweet compliments or funny jokes. We dream about the other person, spend our time fantasizing about what they are wearing, obsess over what plans they may have tonight.
We don’t know the other person well enough, so we spend a lot of time trying to fill in those mysterious gaps.
The neuroscience behind falling in love shows that we experience all those teenage physical symptoms. Sweaty palms, stammering speech, increased heart rate, restless nights.
That’s because the brain releases a surge of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine during the initial stages of attraction.
However, this phase only lasts about three months before things begin to stabilize and we start seeing the other person in a more realistic view. It’s about that time that we have to go back to our normal routines, so Summer Love often makes the object of our desire seem like ‘the one that got away’, when in reality, they’re just a normal person like everyone else.
Quendrith Johnson: What’s the best public figure example of true love right now?
Kim Saeed: Wow, that one is tough to answer because social media, or the media in general, isn’t the best gauge for what peoples’ lives are really like.
However, if I ignore that tidbit, I’d say perhaps the best public figure example of true love right now, in my opinion, is Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks.
Hanks and Wilson are the whole package.They’ve been together about 31 years and you never hear of any real scandals or faux pas between the two.
They seem to really enjoy one another’s’ company, supporting that true love does exist.
Quendrith Johnson: Is True Love ever true, or is love all about reception at its core, the illusion of two being one?
Kim Saeed: While I believe it’s possible that two people can be deeply bonded and share a true affinity for one another, I don’t think it’s feasible or even healthy for two people to “be one.”
The concept of ‘two being one’ has caused a lot of heartache for the human race.
Because it implies that we should give up our individuality, which is never a good idea.
Does it exist?
Maybe, probably… but it’s extremely rare that two can ‘be one’ and maintain the relationship in a healthy manner.
Beyond that, we are entering a new paradigm as it relates to relationships.
Yes, true love exists, but it’s not nearly as common as people like to think it is.
Love doesn’t always equal compatibility, nor does it mean that people are meant to stay together for a lifetime.
I believe people can have more than one true love in their lifetime.
Since we are always growing and evolving as human beings, the person we are in love with in our 20’s probably won’t be a good match for us in our 40’s.
Probably the best time for a true, authentic, fulfilling relationship is when we’ve reached the autumn of our lives, and we have the opportunity to explore the meaning of true love.
There’s no more need for fronting; the things that used to embarrass us are no longer an issue, and we know more about the things that really matter as opposed to the superficial things we were obsessed with in our younger years.
As far as I’m concerned, there are few things as sweet as an adorable older couple.
The ones whose eyes light up when they see the object of their affection, who still hold hands, who write each other love notes as opposed to sending meaningless emojis over a cell phone.
Who are determined to make the last of their years the best of their years.
That’s true love. I hope we all get to experience that.
Thanks to the brilliant Kim Saeed of KimSaeed.com for the nine ways to love and live better. She has moved so many hearts with her wise expertise, and books, including “Survivor Secrets” out recently on Amazon.
Now, go find your own Summer Love, and let us know how it goes this Fall.
[Rita Wilson has a new album out usually, discover her music (besides the video above) at RitaWilson.com.]
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What is love: 5 sure signs
“Why are you still with him (her)?” How many times have we asked this question to friends stuck in painful love relationships, how many times have we thought about what makes people cling to their burdensome connection ... Oh no, this is not love. But then what is love? A feeling that can make us happy forever? Of course not, answers psychoanalysis. Love, if it is real, does not give serenity.
Even when the initial delight from the merging of souls subsides, contrary to popular belief, she does not calm down - she excites and shocks us, mysteriously weaving two destinies into a single plot that defies logic. Let's take a look at some of its facets.
1. To feel a mystery in another
Love is a mystery both for those who are seized by it and for those who become its witnesses. We see it, we feel it, but we don't understand it. Why? Yes, because the bonds that bind us to a loved one are inexplicable. To someone we truly love, we are attracted not only by his appearance (beauty, resemblance to someone) and not only by the images or values \u200b\u200bthat he symbolizes for us (father, mother, power, money), but by the mystery, that we feel in it. It is impossible to call it in words, but it seems to be addressed to everything that we ourselves secretly keep in our souls: longing for what we did not receive in childhood, some kind of unaccountable suffering ...
“Two people, even merging in a single feeling, they still remain separate people - each with their own inner world, their own secret, ”says Galina Berezovskaya, an analytical psychotherapist.
“Love touches that part of our personality that is unknown to us,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulet. - In the soul of each of us lies a particle of destructive emptiness that can destroy us. Love is nothing but the meeting of two sufferings, two imperfections. In love, we share with another person what is painfully lacking in ourselves. True love is expressed not by asking, "Give me what you have and what I lack," but rather by saying, "I love the path you found to healing, the way you deal with your trouble."
And here the legend of “two halves” has nothing to do with it, according to which love, uniting us into a perfect whole, thereby makes us happy! - When a person notices that, despite a love relationship, he still feels some dissatisfaction with life, he may decide that he simply has not found his “soul mate” and should change his partner.
But this, of course, is not the case." To truly love means to admit: "I'm interested in you."
2. To be afraid of losing him
To love means to be afraid. And constantly. In his work The Dissatisfaction with Culture, Freud explains it this way: we fall into dependence on the other because we constantly need him to support us in our existence. Hence the fear of loss.
“Love involves risk,” explains the philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. - This feeling is dizzying, sometimes we are even drawn to reject it, to push it away: a person, fearing the power of his love, can destroy it or downplay its significance, plunging into activities that will strengthen his self-sufficiency. All this is to protect ourselves from the frightening power over us of another person.
After all, as Freud emphasized, Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you - I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other in a loving feeling; Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our "I" remains omnipotent.
And since love takes us beyond ourselves, our "I" fights with it.
“It's hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. “Love always brings pain. It touches our very being—what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. Once alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected from the love-related impulse of death. But if we manage to overcome the torments and strife of love, we enter into a different, wonderful space, where the feeling is revealed with renewed vigor.
True love is not a business contract. Her fury is a danger to both partners. We should not forget about this if we are visited by doubts, if it seems that we have been “out of love”. If the other tries to pull away, it does not always mean that he does not love. Perhaps he is just afraid of losing himself.
3. Willingness to go into the unknown
In love, nothing is predetermined. “None of us can either guarantee the constancy of mutual feelings, or predict the future life and development of relationships with a loved one,” says Galina Berezovskaya.
We habitually believe that passion first flares up and then predictably declines, but this is just a prejudice. Love in its development can also go in an ascending direction.
“When we fall in love, we enter a world in which will and reason have no power,” adds Monika Schneider. - And on this way we will have to go through completely different segments. Of course, having once soared to the heights of happiness, then by contrast we can feel that we are falling into the abyss. But if we are convinced in advance that love is always unreliable, this only means that our past prevents us from believing in ourselves and in another person. To truly love, one must almost believe in a miracle. Freud speaks of expectation filled with faith. It is necessary to maintain a fire that can flare up again without requiring an immediate outbreak. Embrace the unknown, be patient...
4. Feel desire
There is no doubt: to love a person means to desire him. Moreover, confirms Jean-Jacques Moskowitz: “Physical intimacy really helps us to love.
Without an exchange of caresses in love, something important remains unfulfilled. Lovers who love each other deeply enjoy sex in a special way. In the act of love, the difference between the sexes disappears: the two merge into one. Their members themselves are no longer given independent value - lovers in moments of passion have one body for two. Pleasure is all-conquering." Without love, we can find relaxation in sex, relieve tension with pleasure, but in order to fully enjoy, you need to love for real. “When we love, we reach other heights of pleasure,” confirms Galina Berezovskaya.
And if desire weakens, does this mean the end of love? Not at all, Galina Berezovskaya is sure: “There are happy moments when it is enough for us that the beloved exists, that he simply is.”
However, there are women who separate love from sexual desire outside of such moments of blissful contemplation. “It's not that their feelings are weaker,” explains Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. - Against.
They are afraid that, indulging in love too selflessly, they can disappear into it. In all likelihood, they are fettered by some unresolved problem of childhood, an ideal of love that is too closely connected with the image of the father. Experiencing a strong feeling, these adult women seem to become little girls again ... and what is happening is more like incest. For them, the image of the father comes to the fore, perhaps as a defense against the fear of dissolving in physical intimacy.
Such women seek refuge in love-adoration and are wary of sexual relations. They allow themselves to be tamed only gradually, passing through the stage of a less intimate physical connection - hugs that allow you to surround your loved one with caress, as if carrying him inside yourself. And when the desire returns, the sex drive inevitably follows. The ebb and flow of love never stops in its perpetual motion.
5. Feel the fullness of life
“To be loved means to feel that you have the right to exist,” said the philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre.
True love is a unique feeling of the justification of one's being in this world, it is an illusion that our love is the only one. Love returns us to the position of a child, confident in his omnipotence, convinced that if he were not in the world, the world would lack something important.
By choosing each other, we make the other one the chosen one. In making a distinction between true love and loving-kindness for the good of one's neighbor, Freud uses the biblical theme of the Chosen One, the Messiah. In love, we endow the other with special significance. We recognize its indisputable importance: we respect it, we appreciate it, we believe that it is irreplaceable. We made a find, found a treasure. We are no longer alone in the world.
Another person brings us his world, openness to other horizons, feelings that we did not experience with such vivacity before meeting him. We seem to be awakening to a new life. We have a sense of security - because he was able to see our value.
“Love helps to find the meaning of existence,” sums up Galina Berezovskaya. “When we truly love, we feel more strongly that we are alive.”
"True love does not exist" | PSYCHOLOGIES
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Interview Man and Woman
Family counselor and narrative psychologist Vyacheslav Moskvichev has been working with couples for over 15 years. Among his clients are people of all ages, with and without children, those who have recently started a life together, and those who have already doubted whether it is worth continuing ... opinion on this subject. The opinion was unexpected.
Psychologies: Let's start with the main thing: is true love possible?
Vyacheslav Moskvichev: Obviously, true love is the one that happens between real men and women. But these two, in turn, are not reality, but invented constructs that are created to normalize people and their relationships.
For me, the notion that one can find a universal, culturally independent, universal truth about what a man, a woman, love, a family is, is a tempting idea, but a dangerous one.
Why is it dangerous?
This idea makes real men and women feel inadequate, inferior because they don't fit the mold. I admit that these constructs really helped someone to form themselves. But they have internal contradictions, and it is impossible to follow them. For example, a real man should be strong and stern, but at the same time gentle and caring, and a real woman should be a sexually attractive and exemplary hostess.
Love is a surge of hormones, sexual desire, or, on the contrary, something divine, a fateful meeting
We are doomed to fall out of them. And when we say to ourselves “I am not a real man”, or “I am not a real woman”, or “This is not real love”, we feel our inferiority and suffer.
And who suffers more, men or women?
Under the pressure of stereotypes accepted in society, its less privileged members always fall first.
We live in a male society, and ideas about what we should conform to are largely created by men. Therefore, women are likely to suffer more. But this does not mean that men are free from pressure.
Non-compliance with the patterns fixed in the public consciousness causes a feeling of failure. Many couples come to me in a pre-divorce state. And often they are brought into this state by their own ideas about true love, family, expectations from a partner that he does not meet.
What kind of ideas can bring a couple to the brink of divorce?
For example: there was love, now it is gone. Once gone, nothing can be done, we must part. Or maybe I mistook something else for love. And since this is not love, what can you do, they were mistaken.
But isn't that right?
No! Such a representation turns us into passive “experiencers” of a feeling that cannot be influenced in any way. We all explain to ourselves what love is in different ways.
It is interesting that among these explanations there are opposite ones: for example, that love is something biological, a surge of hormones, sexual attraction, or, conversely, that something is divine, a fateful meeting. But such explanations cover far from the entire spectrum of our relations.
If we do not like something in our partner, in his actions, our interaction, then it would be logical to deal with these specific issues. And instead we begin to worry: maybe we made the wrong choice. This is how the “true love” trap arises.
What does it mean - the "true love" trap?
This is the idea that if love is real, you have to endure - and you endure. Women are ordered to endure one thing, men another. For women, for example, the rudeness of men, breakdowns, drinking alcohol, his flirting with others, failure to perform culturally prescribed male functions, such as providing for the family and its safety.
Human relationships are not natural in themselves.They are part of culture, not nature
And what does a man endure?
Women's emotional instability, tears, whims, inconsistency with the ideals of beauty, the fact that the wife began to take less care of herself or a man. But he, according to culture, should not tolerate flirting. And if it turns out that someone can’t stand it anymore, then there is only one option left - to recognize this marriage as a mistake (“it hurts, but there’s nothing to be done”), consider this love fake and go in search of a new one. It is assumed that there is no point in improving relations, searching, experimenting, and negotiating.
And how can a psychologist help here?
I encourage couples to try other forms of interaction. I can invite one of the partners to tell about his view of the situation, about what worries him in the relationship, how it affects family life, what disappears from it and what he would like to save or restore.
And to the other at this moment I suggest to be an attentive and, if possible, a benevolent listener who can write down what attracted him in the partner's words. Then they switch roles.
Many couples say it helps them. Because often the partner reacts to the first words spoken to others or to their own interpretations: “if you didn’t cook dinner, then you fell out of love.” But if you listen to the end, give the other the opportunity to fully speak out, you can learn something completely unexpected and important about him. For many, this is an amazing experience that opens up new opportunities for them to live together. Then I say: if you like this experience, maybe you can try to use it in other moments of your life?
And it turns out?
Change doesn't always happen all at once. Often couples have already developed familiar ways of interacting, and new ones found at a meeting with a psychologist may seem “unnatural”. It seems natural for us to interrupt each other, to swear, to show emotions as soon as they arise.
But human relationships are not natural in themselves. They are part of culture, not nature. If we are natural, we will become a pack of primates. Primates are natural, but this is not the kind of relationship that people call romantic love.
We do not require a woman to have hairy legs, even if the hair on them naturally grows according to nature. Our ideal of "naturalness" is in fact also a product of culture. Look at fashion - to look "natural", you have to go to a lot of tricks.
It is useful to be aware of this! If the idea of naturalness, naturalness, naturalness is not questioned, we have very little chance to part with suffering and start looking and trying, finding and building those relationships that suit each of us, taking into account the cultural context.
Does love depend on cultural context?
Of course. The universality of love is as much a myth as its naturalness. Because of this, many misunderstandings arise, and sometimes tragedies.
For example, a woman from Moscow marries an Egyptian who was brought up in a traditionalist culture. Often Arab men are active during courtship, they show their willingness to take care of a woman, to be responsible for her, and many women like this.
Those who have gone through the experience of a long-term relationship know that it is impossible to maintain constant tension this is being questioned.In our culture, there is a myth that true love "blows the roof", that it is the strongest emotional intensity. And if we can think rationally, then there is no love. But those who have gone through the experience of long-term relationships know that maintaining a constant heat is not only impossible, but also unhealthy. So you can’t live in ordinary life, because then how to be with friends, with work?
So what then is love, if not a natural state and passions?
Love in the first place is a special personal state.
It includes not only our feeling, but also our way of thinking about it. If love is not framed by an idea, a fantasy about another, hopes, expectations, then the physiological state left from it will most likely not be very pleasant.
Perhaps not only the feeling, but also this way of thinking changes throughout life?
Definitely changing! Partners enter into relationships on the basis of some interests, which are then replaced by others. The participants in the relationship are also changing - their physical condition, their statuses, ideas about themselves, about life, about everything. And if one has made up a firm idea of the other, and this other has ceased to fit into it, then the relationship suffers. Rigidity of ideas is dangerous in itself.
What makes a relationship stable and constructive?
Ready for difference. Understanding that we are different. That if we have different interests, this is not fatal for relationships, on the contrary, it can become an additional reason for interesting communication, for getting to know each other.
It also helps to be willing to negotiate. Not those that are aimed at finding one common truth for all, but those that help find ways for both to coexist with each other.
It seems that you are against the truth. This is true?
The truth seems to exist even before we started talking. And I see how often couples enter into negotiations, believing that there is a truth about the relationship, about each of them, it remains only to be found, and each thinks that he has found it, and the other is wrong.
Often clients come into my office with the idea of “finding the real you”—as if they weren't real right now! And when a couple comes along, they want to find a real relationship. They hope that a professional who has studied for a long time and has seen many different couples has an answer for what this relationship should look like, and all they have to do is find out this correct answer.
But I invite you to explore the path together: I do not reveal the truth, but help create a unique product, their joint project, just for this couple.
Then I want to offer it to others, to say: “See how cool we did it, let's do the same!”. But this project will not suit others, because each couple has their own love.
It turns out that you need to ask yourself not “is this love?”, But something else…
I find it useful to ask questions such as: am I okay with my partner? What about him with me? What can we do to better understand each other, so that we can live together more interestingly? And then the relationship can get out of the rut of stereotypes and prescriptions, and life together will become an exciting journey full of discoveries.
About the expert
Vyacheslav Moskvichev — narrative psychologist, family psychotherapist. Lecturer at Moscow State Pedagogical University and the Center for Narrative Psychology and Practice.
Text: Elza Lestvitskaya Photo Source: Getty Images
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