Is my husband bored with me quiz
Bored In Your Relationship? Take This Quiz To Know Why
When he texts you "Hi! How R U?", what do you feel?
Well, no. He doesn't text such a rinky dink
It's nice that he's thinking about me but I don’t know what to answer for the umpteenth time
Again?! How many times do I have to get this message?
You agreed to meet but he calls you and cancels the plan. What's your reaction?
When you go out, how much time can you spend together?
An hour and I leave. I have bigger fish to fry.
Less than I wish. But we've already discussed everything
Oh, we don't separate
If he offers you three places for a date, which one will you choose?
Holidays and your vacation are soon, what do you think about?
I'll be able to take a rest at last!
We can go to a summer house together. Or visit friends. Or…
Maybe, we'll do something interesting at last
He asks to meet you right after the job, what do you think?
And how will I change clothes?
Oh, it will do. Generally speaking, I don’t care.
Ok, I'll take heels, I'll change shoes at least
Do you tell your gals what happens in your relationship?
No, why do they care?
Of course. I keep them informed
Only about something important
Do you share the interests of your boyfriend?
Well, I tried to but that's not my scene
Yes, of course. I take an interest in everything
What? Why do I care what he's doing?
If he asks you out, but you had a hard day, what will you say?
I'll accept. He'll support me
I'll try to explain carefully that I'm very tired
I'll just say that I'm tired and not in the mood for dates
Does he have habits, which annoy you?
Oh, yes! Many. All of them
No, they're all nice
Yes, but I bear
Boring and sad
Yes, your relationship is not the same, it lacks the passion it had. You know your boyfriend inside and out, all his habits and features. It seems you can't surprise each other any longer. And even when you are together, you feel dullness all the same. You need to make a change - either to refresh your relationship or to break! Tell your gals about this quiz. Perhaps, they also need advice.
There's a chance
Yes, your relationship is not the same, it lacks the passion it had. You know your boyfriend inside and out, all his habits and features. But it's still early to call it boredom. You still can surprise each other. You just need to refresh your relationship - to go on a journey together or make a romantic dinner or a surprise! Tell your gals about this quiz. Perhaps, they also need advice.
Boring? Not at all
No, indeed, boredom is not about you. Your relationship is full of joy and there's no risk of dullness. You know your boyfriends inside and out, all his habits and features, but in spite of this you know how to surprise him. And he catches up with you indeed. It will always be interesting to be together! Tell your gals about this quiz. Perhaps, they also need advice.
Am I in Love or Lust? I Psych CentralRelationship Quiz: Am I in Love or Lust? I Psych Central
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Medically reviewed by Karin Gepp, PsyD — By Psych Central Staff — Updated on May 23, 2022
Entering a new relationship can be exciting and bring up a bunch of positive emotions. If you’ve recently started dating someone, you may ask yourself: Is it love or just lust?
Lust is mainly sexual or physical, with no desire to bond with the person on a deeper level. Love, in contrast, involves feelings of intimacy, vulnerability, and putting in the effort to build a stronger connection.
Certain signs may help you figure out whether you’re feeling love or lust toward your new partner. This relationship test can help.
This brief questionnaire is designed for anyone who might be wondering whether they’re feeling lust or love for the person they’re now dating.
This love or lust quiz is meant to help you answer questions like:
- Am I falling in love?
- How do I know if I’m in love?
- Is it lust?
This “am I in love quiz” is not meant to tell you if you should stay in your relationship long term or not. But you can use this lust or love quiz to find out how you might be feeling right now toward the person you’re dating.
Depending on your responses to this love test, you can also understand whether you’re in love with your partner or experiencing lust.
Keep in mind that every person approaches dating, love, and their unique love language differently. So be sure to trust your gut and deeply assess your emotions before deciding if you’re willing to commit to this person.
If you always ask yourself this question or you typically experience conflicting emotions in relationships, speaking with a therapist can help you navigate dating in healthier ways.
Answer the questions below honestly about the person you have feelings for, and we’ll score the quiz and let you know the likelihood of love.
This online screening is not a diagnostic tool. Only a trained medical professional, like a doctor or mental health professional, can help you determine the next best steps for you.
Ready to start therapy? Our Find a Therapist resource may help.
Last medically reviewed on May 23, 2022
Medically reviewed by Karin Gepp, PsyD — By Psych Central Staff — Updated on May 23, 2022
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Husband says he is bored with me. What to do if it's boring to live with your husband
No way in the world will we become like those two at the table opposite, they don't talk to each other at all. They are clearly bored ... But we need to face the truth, we also get bored. I wonder if this is a temporary lull in our relationship or is it a sign that love has passed?
Having fixed her gaze on the lettuce, she carefully sorts through the leaves. He glances furtively at his watch and continues to study the interior of the restaurant. For them, time is frozen. Family dinner in a restaurant. If only they would enjoy such a rare moment, communication, pleasant environment, romance ... and they are bored with each other. nine0004 Surely you have seen such cases at least once, when a couple is bound by a common dreary heaviness. How so? How can you experience the feelings that are characteristic of lonely people? What to do if you get bored with your husband?
Boredom in a relationship with her husband
“I am bored with my husband, what should I do? »
Boredom is a feeling that we all experience at times. It is unpleasant and leads to the emergence of negative thoughts. In moments of boredom, we feel the pressure of time very strongly on ourselves, it seems to us that the hand on the clock has stopped, and the second stretches for a lifetime. nine0007
This state is much stronger than the idleness of a carefree day. It's not that for us, real boredom carries a destructive force that tests our connection with the world for strength and stability. A person in such a state cannot move, he is constrained by expectation, weighed down by a feeling of emptiness, he feels his uselessness. The real taste for life is lost, it is difficult for us to change something.
When boredom settles on any object, the loss of interest and meaning is most noticeable. And very often boredom turns into a relationship. It seems to us that they are somehow monotonous, communication, which used to bring pleasure, now causes fatigue and dissatisfaction. When it becomes boring to live with a husband, it seems to us that we already know him inside and out, we think that there is nothing more to say. I'm bored with you means that I don't love you anymore, I'm no longer interested in you, I know everything about you. But is it really so? Is it possible to get to know another person completely? Is it possible to know oneself completely? nine0007
In periods of boredom, one must remember that the feeling of dissatisfaction is one of the properties of a person's mental life, a form of human existence. Boredom, by definition, cannot be associated with someone or be caused by someone, that is, it is stupid to blame someone for its occurrence.
It seems to us that sometimes we get bored of living with a husband just because society insists that long relationships represent a lifeless routine, banality, inertia. These associations will put pressure on us. But should we live by the principle of unlimited multiplication of everything - partners, interests, activities? Modern life is already governed by mottos, the main of which is success. And if we begin to “go to the same job every day” or “we love the same person” and for us this will mean that “I am a failure and my life has failed”, that I have not found myself, then then we will tell ourselves that this is all boredom, we need to change something and life will return meaning again. This is what a large number of couples do, they break up thinking that they have nothing more to talk about. But does it solve the problem of boredom? nine0007
If it becomes boring to live with your husband, does it mean that love is gone?
"It's boring to live with my husband »
A real feeling of boredom is much more pernicious than a slight feeling of being tired. She carries a real intolerance. But if the words of the partners resonate in each other, there is definitely love between them. Yes, boredom can invade a couple, but this does not mean at all that we have stopped loving him or that he has stopped loving us. The fact that we do not know what to talk about with each other rather means that we need a new source of energy, changes in life. nine0007
In such a state one must be able to start speaking. If your husband is no longer interested, then look for some other language that unites you. Instead of the usual activities, choose something new. If you watch a movie every night, now start walking before bed. In general, do something that will make you experience a new experience. Walking is one of a thousand options. There are many other hobbies and interests. Even the participation of a couple in a public action can bring variety to the gray everyday life. nine0007
What creates boredom in a couple?
High expectations. When we fall in love, we begin to idealize our spouse. We see only positive qualities in him, respectively, and the spouse is trying to show his best sides. And it is difficult for us to adequately perceive a person. Accordingly, after some time, when falling in love passes, the image built earlier collapses. Looking at a real person, we feel that we have been deceived. nine0004 Incorrect prioritization. We think it's more important for a relationship to raise money for a house or put all of your attention on raising children, and we'll build relationships later. This vision of living together is bad for marriage. People become strangers.
Hiding emotions. The desire to suppress oneself, to try to smooth over conflicting corners, to control one's emotions, to avoid misunderstandings leads to superficial relationships that become boring over time.
Redirecting attention to others. The departure of a partner in some area of life (professional, friendly, related) entails consequences in the form of a lack of time for the family. This accordingly causes a number of disturbances in the functioning of the couple.
Personal characteristics. Some of the partners tend to fall into a state of boredom, indifference, pessimism, which turn into a depressive mood. When a person is bored with himself, it will be difficult for him to find harmony in relationships. nine0007
When does love really leave?
bored in marriage »
If the partners, returning home, plunge into silence and emptiness, if their conversations do not find a response and reaction in each other's soul, there are no topics that would inspire them to communicate, then boredom confirms that the relationship is on the verge of breaking.
The process of understanding and feeling that such a merger as before will no longer be very poignant and painful. It resembles the departure of someone close from our life, we have an emptiness inside, we understand that there is nothing more to wait. Dislike is a real test, it is like stepping on a sharp blade. nine0007
Who is to blame for the fact that the relationship has become boring?
It is a real loss when we realize that another person is bored with us. Our image is crumbling, we are losing our usual support and support. When someone loves us, we feel the justification of our existence, but when we are no longer loved, we lose everything that this feeling used to give us. We are being robbed of the omnipotence that our partner gave us.
But isn't it because we don't hear ourselves that we can no longer say something to another? Maybe this is the right moment to look into yourself and ask: why did boredom arise? Why did I get bored with my husband? Why do the plans we made seem pointless now? Despite its obvious destructive effect, boredom still has a very strong resource. It is useful for us in that it signals that something has changed, that we can no longer look at life as before. And then the main task becomes to find out how to look at life now? Unfortunately, only you know the answer, there are no ready-made recipes. nine0007
Never ask someone for directions. Otherwise, you will no longer be able to find yourself lost.
Question to the psychologist:
My husband and I are 25 years old. Together for the fourth year. At the very beginning of the relationship, everything was great. We are from different countries, so relations at first developed only with the help of skype and viber. It was a continuous correspondence, chatted for 3-4 hours a day. We met for the first time a month and a half later. It was our happiest week. A few months after this meeting, I already moved in with him (This began the 5th month of our relationship). nine0007
We lived in a city that was neutral for us, where none of us had acquaintances or friends. He already worked there, and I couldn't find a job for about six months. Morally, it was hard without relatives, friends and even days at home. I myself did not notice how I started myself, I became very stout, more negativity began to appear. The young man also became more passive, after work he played computer games all the time, he lost his tenderness for me. We began to walk less, intimate life also became very scarce and intimacy was very rare (this can be understood, because I gained about 15-17 kg). The conversations became boring. nine0007
But I didn't really understand it, because it was enough for me that my loved one was near, we were together and there was some semblance of the fact that everything was fine with us. I thought that this was a normal way of life for my young man. He is not one of those people who share their experiences and feelings. So we continued to live: I thought that everything was fine, but he endured boredom.
About a year and 8 months later we bought a puppy to lighten up our lives. It has become a little more fun, but in fact nothing has changed. Although this is not an excuse, but I really did not understand what was wrong, and he answered all questions: “Everything is fine.” nine0007
It got to the point that he started an affair on the side. This happened after two years of marriage. He began to send me home alone, and he himself “was late at work”, then went “to training” to a mutual friend. It should be noted that I am very jealous and was always afraid that he would leave. And just a few months before I found out about his betrayal, I stopped being completely jealous, saying or doing something. I just completely trusted, and therefore this blow became even more painful.
At the time I learned it had been going on for a little less than three weeks. I said that I know, we agreed, and only then did he explain why it happened. He said that all this time he was bored, he did not want an intimate relationship with me because of my fullness. Yes, he continues to love me, but he wants to take a walk. I agreed to give him time and moved out a week later. We continued to communicate sometimes, saw each other at work, but rarely. His mistress began to spend the night in our house. But at the same time, we celebrated the New Year together (I moved out a month before New Year). This girl stayed in our apartment for 2.5 months, and then he asked her to return to his place, and I returned to him. She has not yet completely moved, but almost every day she spent the night at our house. He continued to communicate with her, to see each other sometimes. I made a decision for myself that I will suffer. At the same time, during the time that I lived alone, I brought myself into relative order, threw off 15 kg, began to look better. Our intimacy has also become better and richer. But the girl continued to be present. nine0007
We even moved to my city, signed in August (but this was done so that he could get a residence permit and be able to work normally). Everything seems to be getting better. He says he loves me, that he sees his life with me and sees me as the mother of his children. But no matter how hard I try, he continues to be bored with me, he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do something, because he’s not interested.
I think that at the moment, this boredom and lack of interest is a habit. Since he remembers that for several years he was bored and not interested, and now it is already running as a program. (With his mistress, he is not bored, because she came already ready for everything: he began to play less, work less, while more finances appeared for entertainment. With me, everything was just beginning and we had to save money, restrain ourselves in some shopping and much we could not afford from what he could already do with her). nine0007
This is a picture of what happened and how. Now there is a problem that is related to everything written above. The mistress knew about me and that we were already married, but continued to interfere. And a week ago, she decided to point out to me that I was allegedly "extra". This was one of the reasons why her husband stopped communicating with her. The second reason: so that I can finally gain peace of mind. It would seem that everything is fine and here we are, finally, just the two of us. BUT! What worries me is that he continues to be bored. I asked about it directly. He replied that he would try to endure this boredom and in time he would get better and we would find a way out. He is serious about this, but I am worried that he may again leave due to boredom and this time for good. Therefore, now I have already faced a choice: to give him free rein so that he communicates with this girl and sooner or later he will get tired of her, or she will get tired of waiting for something, or accept his option to “endure” and try to somehow remove this boredom. And see where it all ends up. nine0007
Maybe I've gotten used to the fact that I endure. I know that I have the patience to wait, but I have doubts about his patience. Therefore, this situation was formed with two options.
The psychologist answers the question.
I sympathize with what you have experienced in your relationship. To hear that it is boring with me, to find out that you have preferred another is very painful and insulting. At least that was the case for me while I was reading your letter and putting myself in your place. I also felt bewildered and shocked by how calmly and humbly you accept this given, as in spite of everything, you are ready to endure further (at least you are considering this option). nine0007
Your extra weight and passivity are not an excuse for your boyfriend to cheat on you. Yes, this could have contributed to his distance, but he has a language and should have respect for you in order to honestly confess everything to you and try to find a way out. He chose to remain silent and find another.
Boredom in a relationship must be fought together, it is not only your responsibility. You can do a lot, make an effort, and your boyfriend may continue to be bored or find a mistress again. So far, I see that you are very interested in everything being good in the relationship, so that your boyfriend is good. And the guy takes a passive position. Which personally makes me angry. nine0007
I can't advise you which of the two options to choose, it's your life and my option may not suit you. But I can tell you about what causes boredom in a relationship. And perhaps this will help you make the right decision for yourself.
Boredom appears where there is no place for joint activity. Some project, business, raising a child (jointly!), Hiking, traveling, hobbies, dancing, cooking.
Boredom appears where feelings are held. Anger, resentment, guilt, etc. are retained, that is, they are not expressed. But they hang between a pair of "invisible context", create tension and boredom. nine0007
Boredom appears where there is no place for self-respect as a partner. If one of the partners does not respect himself, does not love, does not defend, does not protect himself and his interests, his sense of dignity, then the second partner begins to get bored. Because with such a pliable, compliant, unobtrusive partner, it’s good and convenient, but boring. It's just as fun with it as it is with an orthopedic pillow. It is comfortable to sleep, but there is not much drive.
You decide how to be and what to do. I wish you ... start to get angry. To start. nine0007
If you still have questions, some difficult experiences and this topic is still open for you, we can talk as part of a full-fledged consultation via Skype.
“I love him! I can’t imagine life without him, but we are so bored together. And it's not like it used to be like that. I just realized at some point that there was nothing to even talk about. Advise what to do? - such messages can often be found on forums dedicated to the relationship between a man and a woman. Indeed, even the happiest and strongest couple is not immune from periods of recession, when spending time together comes down to sitting at computers (each behind his own) and indifferent: “How are you at work?”. But this does not mean at all that people who find themselves in a similar situation should definitely run away, put an end to further relationships and look for happiness somewhere else. For starters, it’s worth at least trying to breathe life into a frozen connection and make it brighter. nine0007
Most of the “advisers” on the same forums for some reason answer that if boredom appears even a little bit in a relationship, they should be ended immediately. To leave for a while, to leave for good - as if only in this modern people see the solution to the problem. Our grandmothers and mothers usually answer such remarks: “We used to fix everything, but now they prefer to immediately buy a new one.” And after all, there is some truth in this - is it really necessary to flee the ship at the first difficulties? Why not try to overcome them together with your loved one, thereby making the relationship even stronger and more trusting? The main thing is to remember that only joint efforts can lead to a positive result: if only one flounders, and the other sits and waits for these floundering to lead to something, then absolutely nothing will work. nine0007
Talk to a partner
Begin by voicing your feelings. It sounds strange, but it also happens: one does not find a place for himself from the feeling that something is going wrong, and the other does not notice anything like that. By talking, you will kill two birds with one stone: tell your loved one about doubts and fears and find out if he feels that the relationship has become insipid. Boredom means that you are not fulfilling some of your needs in a relationship. It’s not enough just to be aware of them, you need to talk about needs without forcing your partner to guess about your hidden desires. In addition, you should also understand that interest in the needs of a loved one is an important component of a harmonious and not boring relationship. nine0007
Psychologists are sure that a self-sufficient person who is not bored with himself is much more likely to be interesting to others than someone who expects others to entertain him. Take up something interesting, like a hobby. Feel that you are able to enjoy every day, regardless of whether you had a long heart-to-heart talk with your loved one or not.
You yourself will not notice how, having become interesting for yourself, arouse a keen interest in your partner: a girl with eyes burning with excitement and enthusiastically talking about what dance moves she learned today will involuntarily attract the attention of her man. nine0007
And change the environment around you, but also together. Nothing helps to breathe life into a boring relationship like a change that two started side by side with each other. Stop going to your usual restaurant: let them cook delicious food there, but you try the cuisine of another institution, and then either be glad that you have discovered something new, or spit and return to the proven place. Or arrange a rearrangement, but do not quarrel, try to listen to each other's opinions. Well, and, finally, if funds and time permit, go on vacation. Do not go to Greece for the third time in a row, it is better to visit a country in which you have never been, say, Austria or China. The main principle is to comprehend new things together, share impressions, be surprised and enjoy moments of unity. nine0007
Don't be stingy with surprises
Start taking the first steps by leaving a nice note in his jacket pocket or sending a romantic text when he doesn't expect it at all. Another good option is heart-shaped scrambled eggs for breakfast. Would you say sweet and childish? But remember the time when you were good with each other and, most importantly, not bored. Surely then you were just starting to meet and behaved like children. So why not revive this wonderful period of your relationship? nine0007
Don't ignore his interests
We talked about this earlier, but now we will analyze this point in more detail. Let's say your man is a fan of cycling. He rides around the city for the whole weekend, calling with him, and every now and then you refuse, surprised later that you have absolutely nothing in common. So why not try to ride with him at least once? May not like it, but at least each of you will know that you tried. It is very important for a man to understand that there is a reliable support and support in the person of his beloved woman nearby. nine0007
Most of the time when relationships get boring, the first thing to look at is yourself. We are ready to blame the partner, but in fact it is not he who has changed, it is our expectations and desires that have changed. We mentally live in the “candy-bouquet period”, while in the yard there is a stage of more serious and mature relationships. Look at the situation sensibly, analyze what is happening to you, and take steps towards your loved one - you should not expect him to do everything for you. nine0007
You have been married for several years and boredom has begun to creep into your marriage? Now you are not so interested together, the common joys have passed, the spouse no longer surprises? Your joint pastime comes down to everyday life, childcare, household chores?
It's time for a change!
Let's figure out together how to restore family happiness.
What is boredom in marriage?
Boredom in marriage is a series of emerging problems that we do not want to solve in family life. For example, you say that you are bored doing the dishes. But by these words you mean: “Mine, mine, and the mountain of unwashed dishes does not end ... If only someone would help or praise!”. nine0007
What is the reason for such boredom? Often, unresolved conflicts between spouses, unmet needs and desires contribute to boredom in marriage.
Lack of attention. What to do?
One of the most common causes of misunderstandings between husband and wife is lack of attention to each other.
For example, earlier you walked in the evenings in the park, holding hands, talked for a long time, discussed common aspirations and dreams. And today your evening passes in front of the TV screen or behind the stove in the kitchen. nine0007
If you are familiar with this situation, then it's time to make up for the loss of attention. You have lost your emotional connection, you are psychologically tired. You need to restore the lost connection and cheer yourself up.
At the dawn of your relationship, you talked for a long time, were madly in love, and admired each other, believed that it would always be like this. For a while, this relationship was kept on an emotional connection. But over time, the relationship settled down - and the connection was lost.
Relationships are the same everyday work , only instead of money you get harmony and understanding between spouses. Any relationship needs to be worked on if you want to keep that spark between you that was lit at the beginning.
To restore emotional connection and cheer yourself up, you will need to renew trusting relationships: start talking again and discuss your dreams, aspirations, etc. Tactile contact is also important: gentle kisses and hugs, intimate caresses. nine0007
Communicate with your husband: ask how his day went, how things are at work, talk about problems and worries.
Remember the period when your relationship was just starting. Where did you go? What did you do? Try to go back in time again and do everything that was at the beginning.
Body contact is very important. Hug your husband with or without reason, kiss, say how good you are with him. It is important for a man to feel needed and loved.
Lack of new. What to do?
The reason for misunderstandings between spouses can also be lack of new impressions, emotions, events.
Perhaps everything is fine in the family. But one spouse longs for something new, he wants to constantly develop, learn something - and the second one is happy with everything, he doesn’t need anything.
So the spouse tries to cultivate alone. He has already reached the first level in relations: he has done a lot for the family and is ready to move to the second. nine0007
To resolve this misunderstanding, sit down and calmly discuss with your husband or wife your options for further development. Share with him what you want, what you would like to do, change.
Do not be afraid to discuss your spiritual impulses in development. For example, you have been sitting at home for a long time, caring for a child. Now the baby has grown up and you feel that you can do your own work: start creating a new collection again and declare your talent to the whole world. Maybe you want to start your own business, or learn English. nine0007
Discuss your desires with your spouse. Your activity, in this case, can serve as an impetus for the self-development of your husband. Don't be afraid to talk about your aspirations.
If necessary, review your household duties, make some adjustments that will help you acquire a new one.
Lack of positive emotions. What to do?
In this case, family life seems gray, emotionless. One of the spouses wants to experience new sensations, feelings. Often on this basis, misunderstandings also arise between husband and wife. nine0007
The reason for the lack of positive emotions may be the inability to bring colors to family life or the lack of self-love.
It's time to show ingenuity and creativity!
Prepare a surprise for your loved one: for example, just the two of you, or buy some significant thing for your husband, which he dreams of, but has not yet acquired. Wrap it in a gift box. In addition, you can write a few notes about how much you love your spouse, thank you for having him in your life. nine0007
Plan a trip together and go in search of new adventures and emotions.
Sign up for ballroom dancing or passionate tango.
In general, do what will give you a lot of pleasure, positive emotions and provide a good mood.
Bored... is love over? | PSYCHOLOGIES
Relationship crisisMan and womanDivorce
Burrowing her face into her plate, she picks a piece of lettuce with her fork. He examines the stem of his glass carefully. He furtively glances at his watch. Time seemed to freeze. Calm Saturday evening at the restaurant. They would now enjoy these moments, rest, dinner, each other ... but they miss. Everyone must have seen couples who dine like this, as if invisibly chained by a common dreary weight. How can this be? How can the two of us experience what is considered to be the lot of the lonely? nine0007
Are stable relationships boring?
“Boredom is a feeling that everyone experiences from time to time, unpleasant and very painful,” reminds psychologist Lyudmila Shaigerova. “At such moments, the pressure of time becomes unbearable, every second stretches for an eternity.”
This feeling is nothing like the idleness of an unoccupied child, nor the slow flow of a rainy day. Real boredom tests our relationship with the world. Philosopher Vladimir Yankelevich calls this state “stuck in between”: we seem to be unable to move, constrained by expectation, weighed down by a sense of our own emptiness and uselessness. The zest for life is gone and there is nothing we can do about it. nine0007
The operation of this mechanism of loss of interest and meaning becomes noticeable when it begins to manifest itself in a particular area, for example, in relationships with a partner.
“We are starting to perceive them as monotonous,” says Lyudmila Shaigerova. “Boredom causes a feeling of fatigue and dissatisfaction with the relationship in general.” It is like a funeral bell for love: we know the other inside and out, we have nothing more to say to him.
“I miss you” means “I don’t love you anymore”, or “I know you too well”, or “I’m not interested in you anymore”... No, thinking like that is a mistake, because it’s impossible to know the other completely . How to know yourself. nine0007
In moments of boredom, it is useful to remember that dissatisfaction is one of the properties of the psyche, a form of our existence. She is not connected either with her own inability to live, or with the imperfections of another, and therefore one should not blame anyone for her boredom, sociologist Veronique Naum-Grapp is convinced.
“Today, a long monogamous union in Western society is perceived as the personification of a lifeless routine, banality, inertia. And it is these associations that put pressure on us. But should we live by the law of the infinite multiplication of everything - our partners, occupations, interests, achievements? nine0007
Today's life is governed by slogans, the main one being success. And if “going to the same job every day” or “making love with the same person” means to me that “my life failed”, that I “remained a nobody”, then all this needs to be destroyed quickly . And then I'll probably tell myself that I'm bored. Today, more and more partners are breaking up, explaining this only by the fact that they were bored together.
Search for what unites
Real boredom is harder than a vague feeling of being tired. Another thing comes from her: "so - unbearable." nine0007
“But as long as the words of one partner resonate with the other, love is still alive,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulet. - Yes, boredom invaded our couple, but we didn’t necessarily stop loving and didn’t necessarily stop loving us. What we feel like abandonment or loss of our own feelings, most likely, only says that new sources of energy are needed, something needs to be changed in life. In the end, all couples sometimes experience moments of doubt: maybe we will have something else ... but not for sure. nine0007
There is only one way out of this state: to talk to each other. “The two need to look for any language that unites them,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Admire a picture or watch a movie together, generally experience a new joint experience with a partner. Anything: a common hobby, board games, housework, going to the pool ... Even the joint participation of partners in some kind of social action can improve the quality of relationships.
Boredom as lack of feeling
But if neither common nor personal affairs and hobbies of partners inspire them to communicate, if each returns home with an involuntary sigh and both plunge into an unbearable feeling of emptiness, then boredom confirms that there is no feeling, and the relationship is shaky.
“One evening Gleb and I went to a familiar cafe,” recalls 35-year-old Vika. - And I was suddenly overwhelmed by a terrible feeling that both of us had become one of those dull, boring couples that were so mocked at each other at the beginning of our romance. And I was kind of insipid, and he was faded. We had nothing to talk about. Well, there was music playing. I became very sad. Something broke". nine0007
By that time, Vika and Gleb had lived together for a year and a half. What happened? “To understand, to feel that the former, initial merger with a loved one will no longer be, is a piercing, very painful experience,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. - It's like a separation, like leaving the life of a loved one - an acute feeling of emptiness instantly arises inside, an understanding that there is nothing more to wait for. The feeling of dislike is like stepping over an abyss. A dizzying ordeal."
What boredom is born of
It is important to take a closer look at those features of relationships that seriously increase the risk of stagnation in a couple, says psychologist Lyudmila Shaigerova.
- Exceeding expectations. Falling in love, we involuntarily idealize our partner, attribute to him qualities that he does not possess, and he, in turn, behaves in such a way as to seem better. When romantic love passes, we see a real person, the ideal image collapses. Frustration and dissatisfaction arise. nine0270
- Good intentions. "It is more important to devote yourself to children or home improvement than to spend time developing relationships" - such behavior undermines intimacy.
- Repressed emotions. The desire to smooth things over, to suppress anger, to control oneself, to avoid quarrels can lead to the establishment of even superficial relationships ... flowing into boring ones.
- All attention goes to others. The disproportionately large involvement of one of the partners in other relationships (professional, friendly, family) leads to the fact that there is not enough strength for the relationship in the couple. nine0270
- Personal features. Some of us are more prone than others to fall into a bored state, which can then turn into a depressive one. If a person is bored with himself, if neither work nor hobbies inspire him, then it is difficult for him to offer something to another.
Who is to blame?
"He (she) is bored with me..." Such a discovery can knock anyone down. “One Saturday, Yulia and I were at home, just lying on the couch,” says 28-year-old Sergei. I asked her why she was so silent lately. Embarrassed, she admitted that she was a little bored. It was like a wall had collapsed on me. Since then, I've been waiting for her to leave me." nine0007
“The moment I realize that the other is bored with me, the image of me that (as I thought) the other had collapses,” explains Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. - This is a loss - I lose my usual support, support. The love of another gives a sense of the justification of our existence, but, leaving, it takes away everything that this feeling gave, and above all, the definition of me as a valuable being . .. Childish omnipotence, which the other one returned to me for a while, is rudely taken away from me.
But if we have nothing else to say and it is not interesting to listen to him, is it not because we stop hearing ourselves? And isn't this the very moment when you should turn to yourself and ask: where did boredom come from? Why does everything that we lived before (all our plans, desires ...) now seem completely useless? nine0007
Boredom is already useful because it gives a clear signal: "Something has changed, and we will no longer be able to look at the world the way we used to." But how then to look? Everyone can search and find the answer to this question - there will be no ready-made recipes. “Never ask the way of someone who knows it,” says a Chinese proverb. “Otherwise, you will no longer be able to find yourself lost.”
Boredom, a novel by Alberto Moravia
In Alberto Moravia's book, this feeling gnaws at Dino, a wealthy Roman bourgeois and failed artist. For fun, he becomes the lover of Cecilia, a seventeen-year-old model. Thinking that he will get bored with her very soon, he tries to turn her into a thing, to humiliate her, but the woman eludes him. He plunges into a pool of passion, and while she pulls away from him, he plunges deeper into the mystery that she embodies. His insatiable need to understand the world and find meaning in it collides with the riddle of a woman. nine0007
Alberto Moravia brings two radically different ideas about life face to face: Dino falls into the void because he desperately seeks to find a rational explanation for everything, and Cecilia surrenders to the world and accepts it as it is. Boredom sets in, as the novelist would write a few years later, "when one person uses another to achieve a goal that does not concern him."
Photo source: Getty Images, MARTIN PARR/MAGNUM PHOTOS/AGENCY.PHOTOGRAPHER.RU
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