Guys who leave their pregnant girlfriends quotes
Why Do Guys Leave Pregnant Girlfriends? (Answered & Explained)
Pregnancy is life-changing, of course. When falling pregnant, it ignites a dream of raising a baby together but that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, biological fathers leave. In this article, we’re going to discuss why do guys leave pregnant girlfriends.
Guys leave pregnant girlfriends to avoid the responsibility of taking care of you and their baby. They lack integrity and/or maturity which is why they leave before their baby is even born. In some cases, the overwhelming fear of change temporarily scares them until they come to their senses.
Maturity definitely plays a significant role in how a guy reacts to the news that he will be a father in a few months.
Some young guys step up to the plate and use this news as a stepping ground to become a man whereas other guys run for the hills.
This can be the case when your partner is in his early twenties.
But, once a man reaches 25 years of age, the excuse of maturity falls to the wayside and you have to examine the possibility that he lacks integrity.
Only a man with little to no integrity leaves his pregnant girlfriend and disappears altogether without a trace.
My opinion would differ if he leaves the relationship but not his role as a soon-to-be father.
This is going to be difficult for you to accept but it’s possible that he doesn’t love you.
The fact that you’re pregnant has probably highlighted this fact to him. When meditating on whether he can spend an entire life with you as a partner, it scares him off because he is uncertain about being in love with you.
There’s nothing like bringing a new life into this world to sober people up and strip away any delusions people may be under.
Unless you’re toxic, manipulative or a cheater, there’s nothing you did or didn’t do to drive him away.
This is all him.
If it weren’t the pregnancy, it was going to be something else.
You should not beat yourself up over something that was out of your control, especially now that you have a baby to prepare for.
I would never minimize the fear you have or the concern you face for your baby. It’s possible that you’re dealing with a man who may not show up to fulfill his responsibilities and duties as a father.
That’s a shame because he’s going to miss out on something truly special and beautiful.
Related post: Can you get your avoidant ex back?What Should You Do As A Single Pregnant Woman
You have to focus on becoming the best mother you possibly can be.
What that requires is for you to process this breakup, heal from it and come to terms with the situation that you are in.
It’s not going to be easy but you are strong and you will be strong, for you and for your baby.
If you’re lucky and he will remain in the picture, then you have to detach from him romantically and focus on developing a healthy line of communication. This is something you have to do as a parent.
I know that you’ve come to this article in hopes of finding an answer as to why do guys leave pregnant girlfriends but I think that’s half the battle.
What you need is advice on how to navigate this situation because you’re not just dealing with a breakup.
A man cannot and should not escape his duties as a father.
So, what you need to do is focus on healing from the breakup while also claiming a fair amount for all the costs and bills that are associated with having a child. He cannot avoid this and you need to seek out legal advice on maintenance.
Even if you feel like it’s not something you need right now, your child deserves it and there’ll be expenses that pop up in a way that blindsides most new parents.
Some men are notorious for getting women pregnant and leaving.
He could have a string of children out there who are neglected because he couldn’t give a damn about trying to man up and be a father.
People can try to ignore reality but they cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
It’s only a matter of time before you’re expecting your child to enter this world. He’ll be aware of this and as that time approaches, life will show you exactly what kind of man he is.
I’ve seen men who leave pregnant girlfriends and come back, step up and earn trust with their partners.
Once that baby is born, it changes them, whether they like it or not.
I’m not saying that you have to bank on this happening but it’s a possibility.
But, in the event that he doesn’t show up, you need a support system, a roof over your head for the first year of his or her life before you can get back to work properly and you need a budget.
Find someone in your life who will stand by you because, in the right circumstances, it takes a team to raise a good and happy child.
If that means you need to move back into your parent’s home, do it.
Offer to pay rent to them and create that supportive and fulfilling environment for you and your child to thrive.
If you are not close to your parents or they’re not around, then you need to relocate to a place that’s closer to someone who cares about you.
Notice how I said that the person you live close to should be someone who cares about you instead of just saying that you care about them.
As you probably know, there are people in your life who you care about but they don’t truly care about you.
They’re not present when shit hits the fan and they couldn’t be bothered to provide any actual comfort or support when you need it.
You need someone close to you who would want to help out in the event of an emergency. You have to set aside pride and think about creating a situation that ensures your child has a network of supportive people around him or her.
Related post: Why do guys ghost girls?Final Thoughts
Before ending this article, I want to commend you for seeking out help. Most of us have this dream in our minds of raising a child with the person we love and now your boyfriend has left but the dream remains intact.
It’s painful because you’re mourning that dream.
Be patient with yourself but most importantly, be loving to yourself.
Your baby is going to need a mother who can provide love and comfort. If you’re bringing him or her into this world while you’re miserable and torn up over the fact that your boyfriend isn’t a part of your life or his child’s life, it’s going to affect your child.
The future is going to involve a lot of work but it’s going to be the most fruitful life you’ve ever led.
A baby can bring great meaning and purpose to an adult’s life and I’m sure that you will thrive if you adopt the right attitude and mindset.
Also, this isn’t the end of your dream.
Your boyfriend may have left but the man who will fill the shoes of your life partner and father figure to your child is still out there.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on why do guys leave pregnant girlfriends to be insightful and a source of clarity. If you’ve been through this and you have some helpful advice for women out there who are going through this situation right now, please leave a comment below.
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'My boyfriend dumped me when I told him I am expecting his baby'
20 Sep 2019
(PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES/GALLO IMAGES).
I recently discovered that I'm six weeks pregnant. When I broke the happy news to my boyfriend, he was less excited and has subsequently dumped me. We’d been dating for two years.
He has moved out of the flat we shared for a year and doesn’t answer my calls or respond to my WhatsApp messages. I'm struggling to cope with all of this and am requesting your advice on what makes a man run away after they discover you're pregnant.
I’ve been nothing but good to him, and ensured I satisfied him on all levels. What makes a man I trusted wholeheartedly suddenly stand up and leave when I need him the most? – FRUSTRATED
A man who runs away at the news that his girlfriend is pregnant is not only disgraceful to his own family, but is a boy who simply can’t be referred to as a man.
There may be several reasons why he ran away, but the child itself can never form part of those reasons. Essentially, it’s an act of pure selfishness.
Children deserve fathers who want to be fathers rather than sperm donors. They deserve men who are fully committed to their lives and, as a matter of principle, their mothers as well.
Unfortunately, no one can make a man “want” to be this way. But even if he doesn’t want to be a father, the responsibility doesn't go away. If he won’t voluntarily be a father to his child, the law will force it either way.
HE'S NOT WORTHY
Having said that, one of the questions we’ve consistently failed to wrap our heads around over the period of working with relationships and marriages is, why would a woman want to be with such a man?
If you’ve been calling and texting him but have received no respect or decency in return, what makes you still want to be with him?
There are millions of single mothers. It may not be an ideal situation, but that baby can feel loved without him. He's the one who will have to answer for that one day, but you will have done your part.
The baby deserves a fair chance at life with the love of at least its mother and extended family. It deserves an adult for a mother who’s willing to do what she needs to do to create a conducive environment for that child to thrive.
Just because the father isn’t there, it doesn’t mean your life is over – you have a child.
NO CONCEPT OF FATHERHOOD
Now let’s explore some of the possibilities of him being a runaway father, though still unjustifiable. Almost half the children in our country come from fatherless backgrounds. Many of these children grow up with no appreciation of the importance of being raised with both parents present in their lives.
It may well be that your boyfriend is perpetuating the cycle of fatherlessness because that’s his background.
TALKING ABOUT CHILDREN
For some reason, many partners continue in long-term relationships without ever seriously and intently engaging on what their attitudes towards having children are.
Others, even though they both want children, don’t get around to the details of timing.
NOT WIFE MATERIAL
This may be a hard one to swallow, but we’ll give it to you straight anyway. There are women who according to their boyfriends are only good as girlfriends, but just don’t cut it as mothers of their children.
They’re the kind of women that these men think are good enough to play with, but not the ones they want as a wife or as their baby mama.
Your boyfriend may well have had no plans to be with you permanently, and being the mother of his child means you’d be a permanent feature in his life.
CHANGE OF FINANCIAL GOALS AND PRIORITIES
Men often panic at the news of an unplanned pregnancy. For many of them it spells doom to their financial plans.
He may have wanted to have done certain things before having children. He may view raising a child as a massive inconvenience for him that he’s not willing to take on.
There are several other possibilities like fear that he would have disappointed his family, feeling like you’ve trapped or tricked him into being in his life permanently, or just the mere shock that comes with hearing the last thing you want to hear.
ENJOY YOUR PREGNANCY
The child, even when unplanned, must take centre stage in spite of your feelings towards each other. And if you’re going to enjoy your pregnancy, it’s important that you’re present in the moment.
Think about involving your family in a practical plan to prepare for the arrival of your baby, instead of worrying about what you used to have with someone who ran away. His actions show he never loved or cared about you in the first place.
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“You make a god out of a man - and he leaves you, another makes a beast - he licks his hands and stays”
Recently, billionaire Sergey Akulchev announced a divorce from his wife Olga after 21 years of marriage. The couple has five children. Associate Professor of the Department of Conflictology of KNRTU-KHTI, psychologist Rimma Fedyaeva, especially for BUSINESS Online, decided to analyze why this phenomenon has become common in the business world, and gives some recommendations to women who have left their beloved husband, father and businessman.
A MATURE MAN HAS AN AFFAIR WHEN EVERYTHING IS WELL
Once Socrates informed the inhabitants of Athens: “I intend to devote the rest of my life to clarifying only one question - why people, knowing how to act, nevertheless act differently and more often to the detriment of themselves and their loved ones.” Since then, two and a half thousand years have passed, the ruins of that city are in the same place, and people are still far from the answer and continue to make mistakes, stupidities, or simply create difficulties for themselves. Personally, unlike Socrates, I am concerned about not one, but many other professional issues at once. For example: what is missing for rich, successful, smart men who have beautiful, kind wives, mothers of their children, to change the latter for new ones? Or why do some people go through invented ideals to a ripe old age for testing, as a result often regretting the years spent on this in vain, and dream of turning back time in order to stay with their first wife? Reader, I’m actually talking about divorces today, which won’t surprise anyone today, won’t scare anyone, but will only create a lot of psychological, everyday difficulties, bring a lot of insults, misunderstandings, but if a family divorces with an experience of family life, then you can’t avoid talking to colleagues, acquaintances, close, future commitments. nine0003
Statistics show that 80% of divorces are initiated by women. The most common reason - 56% - treason. True, you need to understand that a number of reasons precede betrayal: misunderstanding, lack of sex or bad sex, lack of respect for each other, serious domestic problems or, on the contrary, their absence. Yes, when everything is too good, then, unfortunately, divorces also happen. Men start romances (we are not talking about casual and lightweight betrayals, but about deep relationships on the side) often for two reasons: when everything is fine with him in all directions (from a well-fed life and an established business) or when everything is very bad with him ( there is nothing to cherish and there is no point in saving). Further, everything also goes according to the script written by life, although now we are talking about something else. Russia leads the world in the number of divorces. And the official statistics of the last 20 years in Russia is such that a large percentage of divorces occurs in the early period of cohabitation - 1 - 3 years, and also a large percentage falls on those who have a family history of more than 12 - 18 years and are among families with high income (although since 2013 the trend has decreased). Probably, we are talking about divorces of families of businessmen and wealthy officials. Well, divorce in the early stages is clear to us - youth, thoughtlessness, unpreparedness, etc. But about the reasons for the divorce of families with experience ... nine0003
If you ask any philosopher, psychologist or just an experienced person, they will all tell us with one voice that a man aged 30 to 45 already knows everything, can still do everything and wants everything. But if you hear a compliment addressed to you at 50 - 55 years old and above, that “you are in the prime of life”, then know that for Russian men this is a mixture of compliment, consolation, hypocrisy and stupidity, and any doctor, professional, will confirm this. athlete. In 80% of cases after 50 years, we have slowed down nervous reactions, a decrease in muscle contraction and endurance, reduced metabolic processes, sparse hair, poor eyesight, tissue degeneration, and most importantly, a weakening of the functions of many important organs. I know that now you will start to remember Gordie Howe, who played hockey until the age of 50, Joe Frazier, who won the world heavyweight boxing title at almost 40, or remember Goethe or Voltaire, who worked in art at 75 and nine0 years old, or even some kind of sex giant, for example, Charlie Chaplin, who at 52 married 18-year-old Una O'Neill and knew how to entertain a new young wife several times a day at this venerable age. These are exceptions. We are talking about 80% of men and get the following picture: hot and reckless divorces, and also, according to statistics, on the contrary, already experienced, seemingly stable and more often wealthy men are 40-50 years old. Older men, as a rule, do not leave their wife, but start a second family, where they give birth, where they share their vision of the world and material well-being. nine0003
We hear a lot of stories around that he lived with his family for 15 - 20 years and decided to build everything anew with a young woman. After all, there is a successful business, a good wife, adult children, outwardly prosperous life. What is the reason? To condemn such a decision of a man or to welcome? I see that it is impossible to condemn or, on the contrary, support. Everything is not as simple as it might seem. There are many reasons. This is following fashion in a new social society, this is the need for new sexual sensations, this is the desire to assert oneself, this is the belief that the energy of the partner’s youth will give strength and longevity. Or maybe the point is that there is a need to share the accumulated experience and thereby receive approval, gratitude and raise one's own significance in the eyes of a new, young woman and the environment? Or maybe it's all about understanding love and fidelity, honor and dignity, justice and betrayal, love of glory, vanity and the search for the meaning of life. nine0003
I read the following words from one philosopher about the meaning of life: “Under the meaning of life, a man wants to have some positive value in the form of truth.” That is, he wants it to be true, but he also wants this truth to please him. So that the realization of this truth warms him, inspires him, helps him endure difficulties, voluntarily pushing him to material, physical and emotional hardships, etc. By the meaning of life, a man means the truth, which for him has a positive emotional connotation, because the reason and source of the search for the meaning of life lies in the emotional realm. I mean, in my opinion, a man who has achieved a lot - social status, material independence, physical and aesthetic perfection, raised children - really wants all this to be appreciated not by the eyes of a faithful girlfriend called an experienced wife (she knew him differently, supported his weaknesses, helped to cultivate new qualities of character throughout life, helped to go through difficulties), but a completely new young, energetic, cheerful person called a sweet mistress, ready to become his life friend, giving a new positive emotional coloring to him settled and boring life. And most importantly, in this case, the man again feels internally young, strong and omnipotent. Another question is how long the terms are and whether there is a fear that you will have to return to the former. There are statistics for this case too: about 80% of men who have been married for 12 or more years wish to return to their old relationship during the first 15-17 months of a new life. Psychologists even have the term "syndrome of the 17th month. " And many return, however, then they live in a qualitatively new relationship, and for better or worse, it all depends on the woman who decided to accept her man. Therefore, when parting with a man, choose the tactics of patience, it is more promising for family reunification. By the way, sometimes it happens that, upon returning, a man realizes that he no longer needs that ex, but this is also a topic for another conversation. nine0003
Lack of freedom leads to divorce
Let's find out the reasons why businessmen leave their old wives. Let's call them not old, but relatives, because they lived a long time, they checked a lot, children were raised, and the rhythm of the heartbeat was already similar.
First, one of the reasons is simple and understandable: as Edgar Howe used to say, “Undoubtedly, love exists, otherwise why so many divorces?”
Love is a strong overexcitation of the central nervous system. This is when feelings reach irrational strength, when they “carry”, when “the roof moves down”. A state of constant affect. Here it is just right to remember the sage Solomon: “Everything will pass,” was carved on his ring. “This, too, shall pass,” was carved on it from the inside. nine0003
It is hard and difficult for a man to leave an established life, status, established relationships, and then a feeling clouded his head. But the most terrible and most important thing is different: the words and actions of the two women with whom he is communicating at the moment do not categorically coincide, and this is the whole point. In the end, the brain explodes, he no longer needs anything, and he goes to a place where there are no showdowns, interrogations, swearing.
Secondly, a man begins to deepen into relationships because of the lack of freedom that his wife deprived her of her control, suspicions, checks. He married out of youth and stupidity. I didn’t go for a divorce so as not to injure my children, to develop material well-being, but I met my beloved woman and decided. He wants to be free and independent from an experienced and omniscient wife who knows his weaknesses, taught at the institute, attached to family values, even gave birth to children at her own discretion. At the age of 20, this man depended on her, he was still not old enough, even infantile. In wives of the same age, nature itself has the right to judge, choose whether to marry her or not, that is, to give a kind of assessment to a man: you are my strongest, the best, and they need to hear this for the next 10 years, they strive to receive confirmation of this assessment. This is how a woman manages her husband in the first decade after marriage. nine0003
However, the situation changes dramatically after a man passes the mystical age of 33. Having gained experience, material independence, he understands that he has become an adult, he has realized his self. Here, either a change of roles should occur, where the woman will transfer part of the rights to the “grown-up” husband, or he leaves for another. He wants a position in which he has maximum opportunities.
Thirdly, vanity and pride, and I consider this reason to be one of the main reasons for a businessman. When he tries his best to impress and evaluates the external environment, he regulates his own self-esteem and pride. He goes to a beautiful, young and sometimes stupid, to teach himself, pass on knowledge, and amuses his self. By the way, they leave for this reason even when they want to return the period of youth again, because with a new woman, from his point of view, everything starts anew. nine0003
Fourth, the consumer attitude towards a male businessman in the family on the part of his wife, children and her relatives. He works a lot, brings a lot, tries a lot, invests a lot and receives less of the most important thing: appreciation, respect, admiration, gratitude, support. In this case, a man often molts to another, they believe, listen, inspire, inspire, especially at first, he will definitely get it, and then everything depends on the mental coefficient of the new woman and her natural wisdom. nine0003
Fifthly, the age discrepancy between men and women in the peaks of sexual need.
Even Oscar Wilde said: “In order to conquer a man, it is enough for a woman to awaken the worst that is in him. You make God out of a man - and he leaves you, the other makes a beast - and he licks her hands and stays with her.
At the age of 45 - 55 and more, a man can no longer do as much as he would like, and he needs a new emotional-sexual object. A woman at this age can do a lot and wants a lot, but her husband is no longer interested in her, she does not excite, everything is clear with her. Then everything goes according to the written script: he leaves. nine0003
Sixthly, a man in business grew up socially, psychologically, professionally, physically, after all, and his wife stayed at home and created the so-called home front. He was tired of being in the "comfort zone" - everything is clean, thought out, known, calculated and slightly fed up with everything. He knows that the houses will be accepted back in any case, and often leaves. That is, he allows himself any experiments.
ACCEPT AND FORGIVE
There may be different reasons, for example, revenge. In his youth, he forgave his wife for infidelity, and when he achieved inner strength, independence, confidence, he decided to take revenge. Or, for example, excessive male energy, requiring new, pleasant and strong sensations based on the position “I can do anything” or “I am a free independent person and do what I want.”
What to do? Don't know. Everyone decides for himself. A man who has achieved a lot in society knows what duty, devotion, morality are. Of course, he knows that according to the law he can marry as many times as he likes, but morally ... he betrayed. Betrayal is offensive in essence, and if you look from the other side, then the above reasons can be good for a person to start all over again. And the romantics will say that in general they don’t care about all your listed reasons, the main thing is that you met love. Well, they are right. A smart woman will let go and wish you happiness. nine0003
I, in turn, can urge you to remember that when leaving, there are three strategies for behavior for a woman who is left:
- Aggression - destroy everything, send everyone far away on an erotic journey, inflict pain. In this case, your man will only cross himself and be even more convinced of the decision made - to leave.
- Cunning and manipulation - return by humiliation, blackmailing children, inventing an imaginary pregnancy, etc. Don't do it! Men are smart, they can't always explain everything, but they feel right. This "concert" will only cause internal rejection in him. Temporarily, maybe he will remain, but you yourself will be disgusted by the humiliation experienced. Yes, and in the eyes of a loved one, you will fall heavily. nine0106
- Worthy acceptance - an adequate assessment of what is happening, accepting it as it is. Keep respect for the years you have lived together. And most importantly, this strategy of behavior is more promising for the resumption of relations. And even if they do not resume, then in his eyes you will remain a worthy woman. Therefore, while your loved one has made a decision and left you, do not interfere with him, do not throw tantrums, but, having recovered from the first period of emotional shock (usually it lasts 10-12 weeks), start living slowly - work on yourself, read a lot, start a hobby , be keenly interested in the secrets of a sensual love game, do not be greedy with your soul, do not be cunning, do not lie, be inspired by beauty, enjoy the environment, have a scope in your actions. In short, evolve! Seeing yourself as a new one, you may no longer want to return to the old relationship and build your own. nine0106
And don't forget two important facts:
1. His decision to leave the family is not always his choice, sometimes and more often it is part of the responsibility for the departed love and yours.
2. Divorce can also be good, because it can become an impetus for development, new perspectives and fateful meetings.
Need to Run: 22 Signs You're Dating an Abuser
In relationships, we seek love, care, and acceptance. But some people don't need it. They want only one thing: complete control over their partner. And they achieve this in all possible ways - from subtle manipulations to threats, harassment and beatings. nine0003
Psychologists call such people abusers (from English abuse - violence, abuse). The consequences of a relationship with such a partner can be catastrophic. These are mental disorders (insomnia, depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder), physical injury, or even death if the aggressor has turned to physical violence.
The best way to protect yourself from this is to recognize such a person in time and cut off any relationship with him. Here are the phrases and actions that betray the abuser. nine0003
Signals not to be ignored
Humiliation and criticism
The aggressor will definitely try to undermine your self-esteem. And here's how he'll do it.
1. “You are my little pig…”
At first, the abuser will not openly insult the victim, otherwise she will be indignant and off the hook. Therefore, he will present insults as something natural or even funny. He will not miss the opportunity to call his partner stupid, a loser, or even worse. If in response the victim is indignant, she is told that “I love it” and “you don’t understand jokes at all.” nine0003
This also includes seemingly cute, but in fact offensive nicknames like “my pampushka”, “piggy”, “fool”. As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating language in his address and begins to think that she is really stupid, fat and that she will not succeed.
2. “You are always…”
Anything can go on: you are late, you stumble, you make mistakes, you ruin everything. Such remarks are accompanied by poking and eye rolling, and after that the abuser will definitely say something like this: “It's good that you have me. What would you do without me." Hearing something like this regularly, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that she is really useless and cannot cope without her “savior”. nine0003
3. “It's okay, they are our friends!”
The aggressor can easily subject the victim to public humiliation. For example, rudely play a trick on her in the presence of acquaintances or make fun of her awkwardness. To all claims, he will say that there is nothing of the kind in this, and since everyone is funny, then she should be funny too.
4. “Are you going to the circus with that make-up on? Come on, it's just a joke!"
Harsh sarcasm, silly jokes that are actually insults wrapped in third-rate humor are all that abusers love to use to destabilize the victim and make them feel like nothing. If she starts to resent, she will definitely hear that she understood everything wrong and, in general, one cannot be so vulnerable. nine0003
5. “Others your age are already making millions.”
No achievement impresses an abuser.
- Got a promotion at work? A little late, of course, but nothing, for you, and this is commendable.
- Got a prize at an important competition? And what are you rejoicing about, this is not a victory.
- Did you manage to pay off your mortgage early? Surely your parents helped you.
After such statements, a person, of course, is no longer happy and thinks that his achievements are really ridiculous and mean nothing. nine0003
6. "Don't waste your time on this bullshit!"
If the victim has an infatuation, the abuser will not miss the opportunity to ridicule him in every possible way. Because his task is to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so that she spends time and energy only on him.
Abusers use any technique to subdue their partner, deprive him of his will and make him feel shame for any offense - real or imagined.
7. “Where are you? Why don't you pick up the phone right away? nine0135
The toxic partner tends to track every step of his victim. He requires her to report on her affairs and movements, annoys her with calls and messages. Can put on the phone programs that control the location. Can follow the victim personally. In a word, he does everything so that the “toy” does not run away and gets used to feeling on a short leash.
8. “Yes, I read messages on your phone. And what is it?
Abusers without a twinge of conscience can conduct digital surveillance of their victim. Read messages in social networks and messengers, listen to the phone, check the browser history. In some cases, they even demand to provide them with passwords and invade the privacy of the victim quite openly. nine0003
9. “It's common money. Should I have asked?"
Emotional abusers do not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of their victim and make decisions unilaterally. They can carry out some operations with common money behind the partner’s back. They can cancel an appointment for another doctor, refuse an invitation to a holiday, express dissatisfaction with the boss because the victim spends too much time at work. In a word, they behave as if half of them have no rights. nine0003
10. “No, I won't give you money. You'll spend it on nonsense again.”
Financial violence is one of the aggressors' favorite levers. If the victim does not have his own income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), they begin to reproach her with money, deprive her of finances for “wrongdoings” or give out tiny sums that are really not enough for anything.
But even if we are talking about a working and financially independent person, the abuser will still find how to leave him without funds. Put all the money in his account or stop paying the general mortgage. He will simply take everything he has earned, saying that the partner does not know how to handle money, and will force him to account for every ruble spent. nine0003
11. “Where is my supper? Bring it now!"
At first, abusers often seem nice and harmless, but at some point they may begin to communicate exclusively in an orderly tone. Do this, give that, go and buy it immediately, don't take those drugs anymore. Unquestioning obedience is expected from the victim, completely uninterested in her opinion and needs.
12. “Again you drive me crazy!”
Outbursts of anger - unpredictable and completely incommensurable with the actions that cause them - are a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. A person who has been in contact with such a partner for a long time begins to be afraid and literally walks along the line so as not to provoke another explosion. Because screaming, assault or pogroms can start at any moment - it is enough to return home later than usual or not wash the dishes. nine0003
13. “You won’t succeed, let me be better”
Abusers behave as if the victim is not an adult, but a small child who can and should be told what to wear, where to go, who to be friends with, what to do . The opinion of the other party is not taken into account. Such a dictatorship is often served under the sauce of caring. The task is to deprive a person of independence and make him believe that he himself is not capable of anything.
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Guilt is an excellent lever, with which is very easy to manipulate. And abusers know this very well.
14. “I can see you are flirting!” nine0135
An abuser's victim may turn out to be unfaithful at any time, even if she herself does not know it. Did you smile at the waitress? He must have been trying to play. Did you go to a corporate party in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, this is only for the men from the office to stare.
A "traitor" can be followed, he will be forced to make excuses for every look, sigh or smile, for every minute of being late - as if the truth is somehow to blame. And this is not to mention the screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including public ones. nine0003
15. "Aren't you ashamed?!"
If the victim's behavior does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will definitely be told how worthless she is and how she disappointed such a good person. This will be done, for example, with the help of lengthy notations and replies.
16. “I do so much for you! And you…”
When the victim tries to argue, object or defend his point of view, the manipulators often begin to put pressure on guilt. They make it clear that they are ready for anything for the sake of relationships, and the other half is just an ungrateful bastard who does not appreciate anything. By the way, this technique is very fond of not only toxic partners, but also parents: “We have invested so much in you! Why do you hate us so much?" nine0003
17. "It's your fault!"
It doesn't matter what exactly goes wrong in the life of an abuser - the boss shouted, the project failed, the tire was punctured, he needs to find the culprit. And for this role, they usually choose someone defenseless and dependent, someone who cannot give a proportionate answer or send them away.
Isolation and rejection
Abusers often try to quarrel with friends and relatives and force them to leave work. In a word, to make sure that the victim is left alone, without anyone's support. nine0003
18. “These friends were given to you. Let's have a better time together.”
It is unprofitable for an abuser to have his “property” have a rear in the form of relatives. After all, they can notice his inappropriate behavior earlier than the victim, blinded by feelings, and advise her to leave. Therefore, it is very important for an emotional abuser to stand between his half and her social circle. He will set her against friends, quarrel with relatives, directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, he will convince the victim that her family does not love him and unfairly offends him, or that his friends are actually jealous of her. nine0003
19. “I don't want to talk to you.”
One type of emotional abuse is ignorance. For some “offence”, the victim is punished with coldness and detachment. She is deliberately deprived of tenderness or sex, they stop talking to her, they literally stop noticing her, as if she is an empty place. If people aren't living together yet, the abuser may go off the radar and stop answering calls.
As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to complete despair - and after some time is ready to beg for forgiveness, just not to feel rejected. And the abuser generously forgives her in order to arrange an emotional swing for her again after some time. nine0003
20. “Are you crying? Well, okay.”
You can't expect sincere warmth and support from an abuser. If a partner is upset and going through a difficult time, it is easy for the emotional abuser to ignore it, pretend not to notice, or say that the partner has no right to feel what he feels.
The abuser does his best to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.
21. “Just think! Is that a problem?" nine0135
The victim tells his partner about something important to her, shares her feelings, and he demonstrates with his whole appearance that this is nonsense. This behavior is called depreciation. It can be very hurtful and undermine your sense of self-worth.
Devaluation can be expressed not only verbally. There are other gestures like eye-rolling, snorting and poking.
22. "You take everything too personally"
Such phrases can be a sign of gaslighting - manipulation, with the help of which they try to convince the victim of his inadequacy. Make believe that she is too vulnerable and impressionable, or even comes up with something that is not there. Typical gaslighter phrases: "You're exaggerating", "You just imagined!", "Don't be so nervous!", "Why are you making this up?". nine0003
If the abuser is backed up against the wall with irrefutable facts, he will still deny to the last that he insulted you, raised his hand, followed you or hid money. Or he will fall into a rage and declare that it was the victim who brought him to sin, which means that she herself is to blame for everything. All this is necessary to destabilize the partner and achieve his obedience.
What to do if you are in a relationship with an abuser
Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger. nine0003
Why is it difficult to end a relationship
1. A person has a strong attachment to their abusive partner.
2. Abuse is perceived as a concern: “Where are you going?”, “When will you be?”, “Don't communicate with her/him”.
3. The person does not notice any violence, because he found himself in a scenario familiar from childhood. The partner reminds him of a parent.
A parent can be called an abuser if he is domineering, strict, makes unbearable demands on the child, suffers from alcohol addiction, and is anxious and controlling. Love is associated with violence, and it is this scenario that lays the foundation for all future relationships. Leaving an abuser is like leaving a parent. nine0003
To rebuild the usual scenario, you have to go back in time. Because in a relationship with an abuser, a person is trying to solve children's problems. Often, after breaking one such relationship, he immediately falls into another. Just, for example, there the husband no longer drinks and beats, but is jealous and controls every step.
What to do
1. Consult a psychologist. This is the most effective, but not always affordable way.
2. Find in your story someone who became the source of the "love is violence" belief. Think about how interacting with someone close to you is reminiscent of your current relationship with your partner. This is not always easy to do, because the psyche is on the defensive against traumatic memories. Often people say: “There was nothing like that”, “I don’t remember”. This is fine. It means that you are not yet ready to face strong feelings. nine0003
3. Understand that a partner is a replacement for your parent. Children cannot help but love mom and dad, because they are dependent on them. The child's psyche is very adaptive and allows you to become attached even to those adults who beat and offend.
Your inner child doesn't want violence, he wants love. But in your understanding, it is either equal to violence, or comes after it.
But now you are an adult and have the right to choose whether or not to tolerate an unhealthy relationship. Try to realize that your choice of partner is not due to love, but to the desire to complete the children's scenario.