Husband always wants more
Ask Joan: How to deal with a spouse who constantly wants sex
Joan Price, Senior Planet’s Sex Columnist, counsels a woman whose husband’s desire for “instant sex” borders on assault.
Is it normal for men in their sixties to want sex so badly they just force it on you? Today I headed to the kitchen to make brownies. My husband was standing there—pants unzipped, waiting for action. He grabbed me and it was all over.
My husband does nothing to warm me up or show affection—no hand holding during the week, no warm embraces. Nothing. Then boom—he wants sex, and he wants it now. He goes straight for the main event and if I’m busy or not interested, he just pushes himself on me. I usually comply just to get it over. I have no feelings. I’m just not interested.
We’ve been married 40 years. He has the sex drive of a 20-year-old. But my sex drive pretty much disappeared at menopause. We also moved at that time, and I took a new, stressful job with a long commute. I still work and have a hard time relaxing, which makes me even less interested in sex. But he doesn’t try to help me relax. He just wants instant sex. I am as frustrated with his attitude as he is with me not being interested.
I have tried talking to him, but he won’t discuss it. He says he has nothing to say. Then he finds something else to do and ignores me.
In the beginning, it was not one-sided. We both had strong sexual desire and enjoyed sex. He was a good lover, generous in making me happy. But now, it’s all about his self-gratification. If he really wanted to make me happy, we would rarely have sex at all.
Sex also slowed down because of our physical conditions. He is diabetic and it takes him a lot longer to get an erection. I don’t have much feeling down there anymore, so it takes longer for me to climax as well.
In one of your articles, you talked about responsive desire and that’s where I’m at. He has figured out that if he waits for me to initiate and be spontaneous, sex won’t happen.
So he pushes me whether I’m interested or not. He thinks if he does that, he’ll gradually get me turned on.
I still love him despite his actions. I feel sorry for him because we had good sex for many years, and he really misses it. If the only way he’s going to get sex out of me is to push it on me, then that’s what he does. At times I get angry and push him away. Then he backs off. But then I feel like I’ve let him down.
Are most men this age this way? Does he have an unusually high sex drive? Should I just continue to go through the motions and comply?
—Husband Wants Instant Sex
Joan responds:
No, most men this age do not sexually assault their wives, which is what you describe here. You do not need to agree to sex you do not want, especially forceful sex. That’s a clear no.
But there’s more going on here than simply halting his instant sexual gratification. Your sex drive waned at menopause and hasn’t returned. That’s not unusual, but it doesn’t have to end sex in a marriage.
When you stopped desiring sex, did the two of you discuss what that meant to the future of your relationship? Were you willing to work on bringing sex back into the marriage in ways that both of you would enjoy? Or was it “I’m done!”?
Your husband is understandably frustrated and unhappy because you haven’t wanted sex with him for well over a decade. If you read this column, you know that I often address the anguish of readers whose mates don’t want sex anymore. It’s agony when one person still has sexual needs and desires and the other has no interest. However, sexual frustration is not an excuse for sexual assault. He has no right to sex without your enthusiastic consent.
You wisely mention that you experience responsive desire, not spontaneous desire, but your husband misunderstands that concept. Yes, it does mean that once you get started, desire can kick in. But “getting started” means doing the things that arouse you and bring you pleasure—not bullying his way into intercourse and hoping that turns you on.
It won’t.
He still has a high sex drive. You need a relationship filled with affection and relaxation before sex appeals to you. He wants immediate gratification. You say he won’t discuss it, but how can the two of you live this way? I admit I was surprised when you said you’re still in love with him, since the relationship sounds hostile and coercive.
I often recommend counseling for couples who have hit a roadblock. You two don’t just have a roadblock—you have a mile-high boulder between you. Please get counseling to learn to talk openly about this important issue, stop the assaults, and find common ground if you want to stay together. Show your husband this column.
Do you have a question for Joan?
- Check https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/in case Joan has already addressed your topic.
- Joan can only answer questions from people age 60 and above.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.
If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation. - If your question is under consideration for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and will only select your question if you respond to her email. If you submit your question, please check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Ready to submit your question? Email [email protected].
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
He doesn’t know why we really don’t do it.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Viacheslav Peretiatko/iStock/Getty Images Plus How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for seven years. We’re in our 30s, with two small kids. Our relationship is in a good place. However, our sex life has been lukewarm for years, and despite some haphazard and short-lived efforts to either “talk about it” or even “spice it up” with toys or new positions, I know that my husband is unsatisfied insomuch as he makes frequent “jokes” about how my libido has significantly stagnated since the initial years of our relationship—lots of jokes about how we’re such a “typical couple” in that our sex life has diminished in heat since we’ve been married, and so on.
Well, I know why my libido has really waned. But I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to explain it, or even to work through it myself. When we first started dating, I was in what I call my “sexual awakening” period—I began having sex at a relatively later age than most of my peers, so I racked up a number of sexual partners in a short period of time. And during this time, I came to associate sex almost exclusively with being desired and associating that with a kind of (ill-placed) validation and affirming of self-worth. Once I entered into my first real loving relationship with my now-husband, I didn’t need the sex anymore to validate his interest in me or my worth as a sexual being. In effect, I never translated my association with sex as a form of validation to sex as an expression of love.
I love my husband so much and really want to fix this, but I have no idea where to start!
—Dazed and Very Confused
Dear Dazed and Very Confused,
A lot of people who come to us with issues related to reduced libido have no idea as to why, so you’re ahead of the pack, to a certain extent. It’s good to interrogate what’s going on with you, especially when whatever’s going on is creating angst or tension. But I’m not entirely sure that I follow your logic. You associated sex with being desired, but then determined after entering your relationship with your husband that you “didn’t need the sex anymore to validate his interest in me or my worth as a sexual being.” But by this logic—and again, I’m not on board with this logic—sex would still be useful in that way, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it heal this rift in your otherwise good relationship, and keep your mutual desire stronger?
You also never qualify sex beyond its effects—for you, it’s been a means to an end, to some degree. And good sex is validating. But sex is more than a transaction, and how you feel about the actual act of it remains elusive. What about the crucial fun of sex? Where are you with that? Is sex fun for you? Is it worth having beyond what it can bring you later? Figuring that out is a good first step for you. Maybe the answer is that you aren’t actually interested in sex itself—many people are not, and some of those people identify as asexual and have completely fulfilling lives. That’s not a worse-case scenario, it’s just a scenario. Your husband is approaching this issue in a passive-aggressive way that’s not ideal, but I think it’s worth figuring this out for both of you. If talking to a sex-positive counselor for a casual session or two sounds like too much for you right now, you could start with a book like our oft-recommend Come As You Are to help you think about sexual desire and how yours might work.
Let us know how it goes.
Dear How to Do It,
Through many conversations, my boyfriend and I decided long ago that our sex drives and desire for multiple partners differ—I am the one with the extracurricular desires—and that it’s OK by both of us for me to have sex with other people. However, though he denies it, I’ve noticed he seems to get a little jealous or uncomfortable if I reference other sex partners. I do believe him when he says this is not a big issue for him, but I think he chooses to process some of his understandable emotional reactions privately. And so I’m not sure how to approach what I think might now be an issue: When this all first began, I had sex with maybe one other person every other month. It’s now sometimes become once a week, depending how horny I am.
Do you think it’s essential that I share how frequent this habit has become? How much transparency is necessary for the other person to assess the full risk? I’m on preventative medication and get tested for STDs regularly, but I am worried I’m shielding us from some emotional fallout, too.
—Busy
Dear B,
You should leave the amount of disclosure up to him. Some partners adopt a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy; others want to know every detail of the sex that happens outside of a relationship, sometimes for erotic purposes. The middle ground is a heads-up when you’re going to hook up or soon after having done so.
I understand wanting to be transparent about risk, but I think by making it clear that you will be having sex outside the relationship regularly, you’ve done your due diligence there. More sex means more chances for exposure, sure, but it only takes once to contract whatever. Your boyfriend implicitly understands and accepts this, lest he be completely in the dark about how STDs work.
Just have a conversation with him. You can tell him that you’ve been hornier and more active lately, and would he like to know more about that? It may be much easier for him to deal with as little information as possible; conversely, more disclosure may make him feel more secure. There’s no real universal standard here, but deferring to the most sensitive person in the relationship about the details of your specific arrangement is pretty much always the way to go.
Dear How to Do It,
Gay man in my mid-30s here, and I have been having an issue. I am athletic, well-spoken, courteous, and generally mild-mannered in my day-to-day life. My friends and family usually refer to me as sweet, kind, goofy, dependable and an overall “good guy.” I feel like I am as well.
I enjoy being sexual, and at the same time, I want to have a romantic partner as well and have been out on many a date. One thing I am noticing though is when I express my sexual desires and the reactions I get from dates or when speaking with friends. When I tell my friends about being interested in a kink or going out to a club, their brows furrow and they express confusion over wanting to do something like that because they say I’m a “good boy” and that it seems I am not being myself.
They also mention that men want a “good boy” to date, someone they can take home to their parents, not someone who sleeps around. It gets even stranger when some dates I have gone on have been surprised that I wanted to get sexual with them after a few dates and even exclaimed how they were surprised that I even initiated because I came across as a “good boy.”
I find this to be often frustrating and makes it seem as if somehow my wanting sex is going against who I am as a person. I have heard about the Madonna/whore complex in straight relationships and had often brushed it off as an outdated, sexist thought process. But as these comments have been coming up more not only from the men I date, but also from friends and family (well, the gay family members), I am wondering is this standard found in the gay community as well? Honestly, I want to be just a good guy who also like adventurous sex without having to be put in a box.
Am I doing something wrong here, or am I just running up against narrow mindedness?
—The Madonna and the Whore
Dear Whore,
Seems like narrow-mindedness to me. Coming from people who aren’t sexual prospects to you, this wrongheaded line of advisement seems to be: We don’t see you as sexual, so we’re just upholding that notion of you by shoving you into the “good boy” box. They can’t handle the truth, so ignore them. This isn’t about you behaving out of character; it’s about them not being able to grasp the complexity of your character. That you’d receive any pushback on this is pretty absurd to me. People contain multitudes.
How do your adult friends not know this?
Guys who you date are a different story. I’m going to have to guess you’ve just met a bunch of the wrong people. The kind of innocence that the “good boy” designation suggests is, in fact, often eroticized—it’s a big part of why people are so into twinks: “defiling” that goodness with dick is exciting to some. But even outside of that kind of objectification, peeling off someone’s layers is one of the exciting things about sex. I have to assume that the guys you’ve been connecting with just aren’t into that. I wonder how you’re meeting these people—you might do well browsing in a more sexually charged space, like an app generally associated with hook-ups. In my subjective experience, Feeld is great for finding people who are horny and sex-positive, but are more interested in connecting in an ongoing way. (A recent question to this column prompted me to re-download it, and I’ve been having fun with it ever since.
I’ve never come across so many straight-leaning guys who want a dick in their butt. Talk about layers!)
You could also just hang out with more sluts. They’ll have sex with you! Consider a sex party or other venue where your mere presence says way more than any superficial qualities might.
Dear How to Do It,
One of my favorite things in the world is oral sex, but I was conditioned pretty early on that it’s not OK to ask for. Of my early partners: the first three didn’t “go down” at all (none had a problem with me taking care of them, but two were outright offended when I asked if they’d return the favor). The fourth would talk openly about guys she’d gone down on before, but didn’t like being asked for it anymore, and only initiated it once in the nine months we were together–which was my first time receiving oral sex, and almost a year and a half after I lost my virginity.
At some point after that, another girl I briefly dated told me in no uncertain terms that a guy should NEVER ask for head, it’s something that should only ever be offered, and that while it was something she loved to do, because I’d asked, it wouldn’t be “freely given,” which meant it was off the table entirely.
After a while, I got married for several years. My ex only ever saw them as a way to get me primed for PIV sex so she could get off, never an act into themselves. She also flat-out told me (apropos of nothing, I might add) she wouldn’t actually be mad if she found out I’d cheated, but it was only a blowjob, because “it’s not called a ‘job’ for nothing.” When I eventually, after talking about it in therapy for almost two years, got up the nerve to tell her I would like if she went down on me more often, she literally started crying because she couldn’t believe I thought she didn’t do it enough.
From my first sexual experience at 17 to the end of that marriage when I was 30, I could count the number of blowjobs I’d gotten (on their own, not as foreplay) on my fingers.
My partner today is amazing! She is very open and communicative and encouraging, and honest with me about where she’s at on any given day. She’s never gotten upset with me for asking for something, has never made me feel like my wants are a burden, and has told me repeatedly that she actually really likes giving head, even if she doesn’t think to initiate it that often. She knows about my history with this stuff, and has gone out of her way to make me feel safe talking about it, in and out of the bedroom. The problem is: I can’t get myself to believe it. I can’t convince myself that it’s actually OK to ask for what I want.
I can’t get past the feeling that I’m being selfish by even bringing it up—what if she’s tired, or preoccupied, or otherwise not in the mood? If I ask and she says no, my brain tells me, I should’ve been less oblivious, should have realized it was the wrong time. If she says yes, my brain helpfully continues: what if she’s only going along with it not to disappoint me, but really she’d rather not? Obviously, she wouldn’t tell me if that was the case, so my anxiety grabs hold of past experiences and starts screaming that I should just know better than to bring it up in the first place.
—Oral Argument
Dear Oral Argument,
Yours is a sex problem, yes, but more than that you are struggling with a classic fear of rejection.
In this particular case, that fear has been fostered by partners who misled you. On one hand, it’s heartening that you have been so respectful as to refrain from so much as asking for head—a lot of guys treat blow jobs as a God-given right. But on the other, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for something. An open and egalitarian sexual relationship allows room for requests, just as it allows room for those requests to be denied. I’ve never heard of don’t-ask-for-blowjobs etiquette, and at least in most American places, it’s unusual that you encountered a string of partners who seem to believe that is a thing. If you ask for something and your partner declines, it’s really OK. You can do something else or not! It doesn’t have to be bigger than that. If your current partner is open and communicative, you can trust that sincerity underpins her oral.
-
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My Boyfriend Keeps Stalling on the Cure-All for Our Problems in Bed - We Opened Our Marriage.
My Wife’s First Choice Freaked Me Out. - The Men I Date Might Always Use My Past Against Me
- I Think I Had the Kind of Sex That Every Man Wants. But Did I?
In terms of getting over rejection sensitivity, I’m surprised that your therapist did not work with you on this (and I’m also surprised that you spent two years discussing the blowjobs that you weren’t getting only to turn to an advice column—maybe get a new therapist?). Your specific needs are beyond what I can provide, but it’s my inclination to suggest that you practice asking and practice getting turned down. You’ll see the world won’t end. The sun and your dick will both rise to greet another day. This Psychology Today piece on overcoming the fear of rejection outlines a course of action for overcoming rejection anxiety: 1.
Identify the stimulus; 2. Take steps toward doing the thing that may trigger rejection; 3. Remind yourself that the pain of rejection, should it occur, will pass; 4. Reframe rejection as an opportunity to work on your approach.
Be careful here—too much persistence becomes badgering and too much badgering can become coercion. But it seems like you have a great partner with whom to discuss this stuff. Overcoming your fear can be as easy (and difficult) as going for what you want.
More How to Do It
I made a sex suggestion that didn’t go over well with my wife, and now I’m trying to figure out how walk it back. My wife and I have been married for 12 years.
During the height of the pandemic, we were both working from home, teaching our kids “school” from home, and it felt like we never even breathed separate air. It was exhausting, and at the end of the day, the idea of sex with her seemed like just more of the same. Eventually, I made a sex suggestion I’ve been desperate to talk back ever since.
- Advice
- Marriage
“A husband always chooses his family, not me”
51,824
Question for an expert Relationship crisis
My husband and I have been officially married for almost 3 years, we have a child. Before marriage, they dated for about two years. They parted on my initiative, because I felt that for him his parents were more important than me and our family should adapt to their rules. And the big question is what will end up in the first place.
He persuaded me to get back together. We have a different financial situation, he constantly says that he has nothing of his own in the apartment where we live. Although he himself is a good specialist, he makes excellent money. And I don’t like his parents, I constantly criticize them.
My habits and those of his relatives are fundamentally different. For example, I cook food for my child with almost no sugar, because everyone is overweight in the husband's line, and I'm worried about my son. But when his mother arrives, she begins to persuade me to give the child two sweets a day, as her daughter does.
Once again, I just kept silent: I decided that I would throw away sweets if my mother-in-law brought them, because the child is not yet 3 years old. And she began to gently convince me that there would be nothing terrible, the son spends a lot of energy.
This really annoys me. I try to tactfully set boundaries, but they don’t listen to me, the husband in this sense is on the mother’s side.
That's why he annoys me too.
He says: “Didn't you see before that family is important to me?” I answer: “Why do you support the family in which you grew up, and, being overweight, do not mind that the child was given candy? You know his reaction - he will constantly ask for more.
I am tired and nervous, I doubt that I want to continue my relationship with my husband, I blame myself for not being able to show my child an example of good attitude, understanding in the family. I think that we need to get divorced, because it will only get worse.
Natalia, 29 years old
Defending boundaries in the extended family is one of the most difficult tasks we face. Often the separation of an adult child occurs physically, but does not occur psychologically. And it doesn't matter what gender he is. Even having created his own family, a person remains a full-fledged participant in the parent.
The family goes through different stages in its formation. And when we know them, we can understand how relationships are functionally built.
At the onset of adulthood, a person goes into free swimming and builds his own life, determining the degree of his responsibility. This is the stage of the monad, and it can last indefinitely until the person meets his partner and enters the next stage - the dyad.
Now there are two partners, and this is the stage of forming life in one's own family, in which one must share responsibility.
After the birth of a child, the family enters the triad stage, where they change their relationships again. Then there may be more children. The polyad stage is coming.
After the separation of the last child, the parents return to the dyad stage. And accordingly, after the departure of one of the spouses, we return to the stage of the monad. But if at the first stage of the dyad the spouses have a lot in common, they have something to talk about, someone to take care of, then, once again face to face after the separation of the last child, they sometimes cannot find common topics for conversation.
It's hard to separate from your parents when they don't let you go
All communication for many years was reduced to talking about things. Talk about the child's school, about his health, about his successes and failures. And about yourself and about yourself it’s completely impossible, spouses become too far away. Then by hook or by crook it is necessary not to let the children go or violate their personal boundaries, invading their families.
Then the appearance of one's own family will remain, and one can still live an interesting life of children, if there is nothing to do in one's own. Imagine what your mother-in-law's life would be like if she respected your family's boundaries and didn't invade your privacy? What would she do? What did you talk about with your husband or friends? And so - full involvement in life.
But the fact that it is high time for your "big boy" to solve the problems of his own family and take full responsibility for it, I won't even say.
But it's hard to separate from your parents when they don't let you go. No, there are different cases, but this, apparently, is not yours. You may need to see a professional to learn how to build tighter personal and family boundaries. I'm afraid you can't do it without support.
Photo source: Getty Images
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Daria ZAVGORODNYA
October 24, 2017 3:47
Because of what we stop making love with our loved ones
What can go wrong with a physically healthy, relatively young and seemingly loving couple? Why do we become "asexual" in marriage? Photo: Oleg RUKAVITSYN
The average Russian has sexual intercourse with his wife (or lover) about twice a week. But it happens that people do not touch each other for weeks. Weeks turn into years and decades. And suddenly one day a person wakes up with the thought: “Oh shit! My husband and I had a fight five times this month, and we had sex only once! Something went wrong?!" Indeed, what could go wrong with a physically healthy, relatively young and seemingly loving couple? Why do we become "asexual" in marriage? Let's deal with psychologists.
1. Stress and fears.
First, consider the serial killer of sex - modern stress. Now, during the crisis, he generally unbelted and mows down families in batches - in all age categories.
People fuss and freak out. Let's consider one, not the most "bloody", but rather universal case.
My friend Katya's husband is the dream man of all women in the world. Michael is a born “decider”. Katya's girlfriends bit their elbows with delight when Misha took on all the wedding chores and expenses. In the registry office, he was worried that there would not be enough champagne, in a limousine he advised the driver how to avoid traffic jams. In the restaurant, I sniffed the salad, fearing that it was stale. After all the excitement, of course, the wedding night did not work out.
- Even alcohol does not take me - I'm freaking out! - the newlywed confessed to his wife and began to snore like a heroic dream.
On the honeymoon, which was also driven by Mikhail, there was no talk of any sex. Love? What are you talking about?! The first thing is not to be late for a plane, a taxi, for lunch, not to lose passports, tickets, common sense.
After Misha's trip, her nerves calmed down and her libido blossomed.
It bloomed for about a year, and then Misha was cut off at work. While he was looking for a new one, Katya did not see sex - about six months.
- Taking responsibility is a very correct male behavior, says psychotherapist Irina Petrova. - There are men with a strong sexual constitution who are looking for relaxation in closeness. But if a person has other habits to relieve stress - climbing the Internet, games, TV shows and alcohol - he will not change them. And if a person is generally prone to anxiety, like Mikhail, his libido will often clog under the baseboard. With such a husband, it is important for a wife not to slide into a “capricious girl” with a strong “dad” (this also does not contribute to passion, because fathers and daughters do not have sex). You need to prove yourself an adult - take on some of the trouble. At first, he will resist - show him that you are always ready to lend a shoulder, that not only he is your shield, but you are his rear. If the relationship is sane, trusting, he will calm down.
But all the time we see insane relationships. For example, take a wife and blurt out to her husband: “You brought not enough money! No money, no love." She may have been joking, but the peasant's words were superimposed on his fears: he himself is afraid of "failure" like fire. After all, the whole mass culture tells him: sex and money are one, like Lenin and the party. And the person unconsciously turns on the “reverse”: it’s better that I myself refuse now than she will reject me later.
Psychologist-sexologist Anna Koteneva agrees: “A man is very dependent on how socially adapted he is. His mental balance greatly affects his sexual success. Moreover, today we are witnessing a substitution of concepts in everything - including - in the family. Instead of a warm, sincere relationship between themselves, the spouses rush into the outside world, prefer to spend time not on courtship, not on supporting their neighbor, but on finding their place in the sun - supposedly success, and not the love of loved ones, will bring us happiness.
We have become smarter and have decided that we can deceive nature.
Psychologist Pavel Volzhenkov believes that stress should not be overestimated: it is not so terrible when people live in emotional contact with each other.
- In families where there is love and mutual respect, spouses develop certain rituals that create a wall between the family and the outside world - a source of stress. The husband came home in a bad mood - his wife had dinner, or just a salad, or offered to watch a movie, or sit embracing - whatever. Before good rituals, even the fear of dismissal fades.
2. Mutual claims.
- Imagine! There was no sex for two years! - my friend Lucy clasped her head in her hands and tragically hypnotizes coffee on the table. This coffee would boil with indignation if he knew that Lucy had been married for almost 13 years, raised her daughter and worked like a bee. And her husband Vova is a uniform cattle. He does not work, he drinks away Lusin's pay and is offended that his wife does not respect him.
- Do you want it yourself? I say to Lucy.
Does not answer.
But clearly states: she stopped respecting him when he loved beer more than his family. His position: he loved beer when she stopped respecting him. While the parents are having a philosophical argument “about the chicken and the egg”, the daughter does not let them get a divorce: she loves her dad and is terribly afraid that her mother will kick him out. If such spouses go to a psychologist, the case often ends in divorce. Both offended to death, each "performs" from his stool and will never get off it.
- Old conflicts are the worst enemies of sex. Irina Petrova says - There are couples who “extinguish” scandals in bed, supposedly after swearing, feelings are sharper. They may be sharper, but then the sharpness goes away. Resentment has a large cumulative effect. After all, intimacy is not a union of genitals, but of personalities. A normal person will not be able to experience passion for someone who regularly devalues him, because sex is the highest form of recognition, the icing on the cake baked before bed.
For example, in my client practice, there is such a tendency: the husband has lost attraction to his wife (and wants to go to his mistress). It turns out that the wife is an extremely conflicted person. In the "pre-election" period, she turns him on: oh, what a daring little thing! Dryuchit waiter, stewardess, his mother. Good: there will be no problems with the mother-in-law. Yes, with the mother-in-law, maybe not. But the wife will make you sick with time. There is a danger that she will switch from her mother to her husband. It happens that people live in such couples for years, getting “normal love” on the side.
BTW
In 2011, a group of Russian scientists led by the chief urologist of the Ministry of Health Dmitry Pushkar conducted the first Russian medical study of the sexual power of our men. The survey was attended by residents of the most populated districts of Russia in the number of 1200 people from 20 to 75 years old. The results showed that 90% have problems related to erectile function.
3. He has another… in his head!
“I know for sure that he is not cheating on me!” - you have to hear this from girlfriends who have a husband, but no sex.
- This is such a phenomenon, - comments psychologist Pavel Volzhenkov, - I have a lot of cases when a man does not want to confess to treason even at gunpoint. And he is ready to provide any excuse why he does not have sex with his wife - up to physiological difficulties. People are very inventive: if, for example, they are polled, they can distort statistical research in a big way. By the way, married women do the same. “I don’t want a husband because I don’t need sex!” - and at the fifth lover. There is an interesting layer of "marriage asexuals" who do not change physically, but in their mind they already have a new love. In particular, these are young people for whom adultery and a mistress are morally impossible. He met a new girl, fell in love - and his wife went wrong. In the evenings, he turns over from his wife to the other side, because - unconsciously - he saves his libido for a new relationship.
Even if the prospect is ephemeral. I observed this duality: the spouse is no longer liked, but she is valuable, because she was the first to establish herself in his hierarchy of attachments. And the lady he dreams about is also valuable, because he likes it more than his wife. He loves and hates both as the source of his inner conflict. And, of course, he has no time for sex - a huge pendulum swings in his soul. But he does not make a choice, because unconsciously “rocking” himself, a person studies his psychological capabilities: “How much can I control myself? How much control do I have?
4. Cave stereotypes.
Oh, how many women have suffered from this "grandmother's" belief: "You have to be modest in bed." The consequences are described a hundred times in psychological notes. But imagine - a huge number of men suffer from such stereotypes.
My neighbor Yulia is surprised at how little closeness she has with her husband Seva. At first it seemed like nothing, but a year has passed after the wedding - and the husband is increasingly slipping away from marital duty.
Julia put down the bottle and called Seva to be frank. An epic dialogue took place between them:
- Seva, I want more sex.
- What if you swing? Will you get a taste? Do you want another man? Won Sanyok his Lenka five times a week is the same thing - and after that she left!
And how to explain that Lena left not because Sanyok five times a week, but because he prescribed soup for her on Wednesdays and Fridays. The whole yard checked the calendar on her: if Lena with a fresh blanche, it means Wednesday. Or Friday.
- This myth is very popular among "real boys", - says Irina Petrova, - more often among older ones: they say, if a woman is pampered with regular sex, she will have an intimate appetite, and she will start cheating. I’d rather go and change myself - this is not dangerous for family stability. Where did this cave stereotype come from? From those terry times when books about intimate relationships were not available to the general reader. Surprisingly, many people still live with these delusions.
But still, the younger generation is smaller.
5. My husband is not twenty-five
The simplest reason: a man is no longer a frisky boy, and his wife is still waiting for him to give out "sport of high achievements."
- With age, men's libido decreases, - says Anna Kotenyova, a psychologist-sexologist, - and recently this problem has become "younger" and has taken a leading place among the main sexual disharmony. With any intimate misfire, a man may experience a syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure. And every 2nd representative of the stronger sex is subjected to an anxiety-phobic state.
Another problem is the attitude of women. The fair sex has now received an unlimited right to pleasure, which somewhat "eclipsed" male sexual capabilities. A man is perceived as a restless sex robot. In a harmonious union, a woman must also realize her responsibility for calm male pleasure. After all, a man, by nature, is the main one who is responsible for reproduction.
And he, as arranged, is sexually more vulnerable, especially with age. After 35 years - if the initiative is not divided in half, it becomes more and more difficult for the husband to carry the burden of double responsibility for intimacy, there may be big problems in sexual communication.
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