How to stop a controlling person

How to Handle Controlling People

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on January 29, 2016

Can controlling people be successfully managed? It depends on the type of behavior and the willingness to try several tactics. A controller can be a friend, neighbor, boss, co-worker, spouse, or parent. Here are several ways to effectively deal with them.

Identify the type of controlling behavior. There are many ways a person can be unscrupulous. They can tell lies about the victims family members or friends in an attempt to create a dependency on their opinion. They can embarrass, humiliate, or shame to make the victim feel small. Or they can deliberately set up scenarios where the victim explodes so the controller can justify their domineering behavior.
Dont believe the lie. Controlling behavior is not about the victim, it is about them. They are the broken ones who feel the need to manipulate. A domineering person insists that the reason for their cunning behavior is because of the victims attitude, actions, tone, or body language. This is a lie. There are many ways to confront a person in a healthy manner without the use of serpentine behavior.

Recognize the triggers and patterns. A controller often uses the same pattern of dysfunctional behavior over and over again in a variety of environments. It is far easier for them to repeat familiar offenses than it is to discover and test out new ones. Once recognized, this becomes an easy way to identify the possible triggers. Knowing the spark, allows time to either plan an appropriate response or an escape route.
Carefully choose a response. Do not directly answer a control tactic. This is precisely what the controller wants and most likely they have planned out responses to whatever is stated. Their goal is to incite the victim to a defensive subordinate position so they can overshadow. Instead, choose from one of these responses.
1. Ignore and walk away. When the controller seeks out secret information about the victim and uses it later as a tool for embarrassment, this is a good moment to ignore and walk away. Indulging their historical revisionism will only increase the humiliation as the victim responds defensively. Stepping aside politely and quietly will highlight the dysfunctional behavior for anyone else who might be around.
2. Distract or change the subject. When hour long explanations are given for simple issues in an effort to wear the victim out, distraction is the best method. Usually the controller has an almost rehearsed speech so when interrupted, they cant easily return to where they left off.
3. Ask a question. When the controller fails to see shades of grey making an issue either their way or a complete opposite extreme, this is the time to ask a question. Preferably a question which reinforces the concept that there is more than two options available. Do not ask Why questions however or the controller is likely to become defensive and react in a verbally aggressive manner.
4. Apply logic to the statement. When a guilt trip is given such as I gave birth to you therefore you have to , this is a great time to apply logic. Counteract the guilt with reason, never emotion. You taught me that I dont have to do anything, is an appropriate response instead. Have a couple of statements prepared ahead of time for use.
5. Answer the fear. When the controller is jealous of the relationship between the victim and another friend, respond to the fear of abandonment. Actually say the words, I hear that you are fearful I will leave you for someone else. Then only speak about that topic, refusing to divert back to the obsessive envious comment.
Try, try again until done. When one method fails to work, try another one and if needed, another after that. But at some point the relationship might have to come to an end. As the Kenny Rogers song The Gambler goes, Know when to walk away, know when to run. A controller who resorts to more extreme forms of manipulative behavior is not worth the trouble of having a relationship.

Last medically reviewed on January 29, 2016

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on January 29, 2016

7 top ways on how to stop being controlling

Learning how to stop being controlling is essential to maintaining not only your own sense of peace with life, but also your professional and personal relationships. If you’ve already recognized that you exhibit signs of controlling behavior, you’re ready to begin the process of letting go of control. While learning how to be less controlling requires both diligence and courage, the fulfillment you’ll find in letting go is well worth the effort.

Shift your focus to what you can control: your life

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1. Identify what causes your need for control

To learn how to be less controlling, you must figure out the deeper reasons that are driving it. The need for control is related to our Six Human Needs: the deepest needs that drive every thought we have and decision we make. Two needs – certainty and significance – typically drive controlling behavior. Certainty makes us feel safe and secure, as we know what to expect. Significance makes us feel loved and needed.

When we do not get these needs met in healthy ways, we learn to meet them through unhealthy means like wanting to control everything around us. Such strategies might seem to work for a while because they create a temporary illusion of safety. But ultimately, they can destroy our relationships and make us feel less certain and more lonely than ever.

2. Build your self-awareness

Once you get to the root cause of your need for control, you’ll start to become aware of how it affects both yourself and others. You may feel that your controlling behaviors help others, when in reality, you’re leaving them wondering how to deal with controlling people: you. It’s important to take a step back and ask yourself, “Are my efforts at control making a lasting difference?”

For example, suppose you have been calling your unemployed sister every week to see if she’s found a job. Rather than continue the weekly phone calls, ask yourself if your interference is helping your sister find employment. If the answer is yes (and your sister enjoys the weekly calls), keep calling. If the answer is no – stop calling. By bringing self-awareness to your behavior you invite greater sensitivity into your interactions with others and with yourself.

3. Reprogram your mind

One of Tony’s core principles is that you can reprogram your mind, which in turn reprograms your behaviors. Instead of letting your unexamined mindset run the show, letting go of control requires examining the limiting beliefs that are driving your behavior. Be intentional about your thoughts and question whether or not they are serving you.

For example, the next time you feel anxious or catch yourself wondering how to be less controlling, take a few minutes to assess the situation. Ask yourself: What am I afraid of? What about this situation is making me feel nervous? Think of your inquiries as a brainstorming session in which you are not judging anything that comes to mind. Be kind to yourself and be honest. As you learn to be mindful about your thoughts and reactions, you’ll become more self-aware, which will help you in letting go of control.

4. Ban control-oriented language from your vocabulary

When you change your words, you change your life. Learning how to be less controlling requires recognizing the role of language. Learn to recognize the language you use to exercise control – for example, couching unsolicited advice in seemingly benign language (like “have you ever considered…”) or criticizing a friend’s perspective on any given subject.

You’ll also need to change your own internal self-talk. What is your internal monologue saying when you feel the need for control? When you recognize your negative self-talk, you can replace them with empowering ones, shift your mindset and control your anxiety – and your need for control. Instead of dramatic thoughts about horrible things happening, ask yourself how realistic your fears are. What’s the worst that could happen? Learn how to be less controlling by stopping yourself before it even begins.

5. Develop your communication skills

The question of how to stop being a control freak isn’t always straightforward. You may deal with both individuals who need some level of control (like your children, your students or your employees) and those who want you to back off (like your partner and colleagues). This scenario can put you in an uncomfortable corner, but the key is communication.

The need for control can cut off our ability to connect with others, when what we need to do is cultivate empathy and emotional intelligence. Listen to your partner’s needs. Ask your colleagues how you can improve. Relinquish a bit of control with your children. The need for control doesn’t have to ruin relationships.

6. Adopt healthier habits

Healthy habits like meditation, priming and visualization can help you ease anxiety, focus your energy and allow you some breathing room to work on how to not be controlling. Self-care is another essential practice if you have a need for control. Make taking a time out part of your daily routine, and you’ll see instant benefits in your state of mind.

You can also use your need for growth to help you learn how to stop being controlling. Feed your mind with books about how to not be controlling or talk with a therapist. As you become more informed, you’ll be better able to identify your self-sabotaging behaviors and replace them with healthier ones.

7. Get an outside perspective

Instead of approaching letting go of control through your isolated efforts, enlist the support of a trusted friend or therapist. Pick someone with whom you have a strong relationship, and ask for their input on ways in which you are being controlling. By getting an outside perspective, you’re able to identify and change unconscious behaviors stemming from your perfectionism.

Ask supportive friends to bring these behaviors to your attention as they arise. Recognize that, while it can be tempting to give others advice, the best way to love someone is unconditionally, which means refraining from attempting to change them.

As time goes on, you will begin to notice that if you don’t learn how to stop being controlling, your attempts at control will begin to control you. You need to learn to let go of the past so it stops causing anxiety in the present. You can’t control everything, but you can control your attitude and approach to life.

Ready to stop controlling behavior once and for all?

Transform your mindset and master your emotions with Re-Awaken the Giant Within, a free ebook packed with Tony’s top tips and strategies.

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How to stop controlling everything? | PSYCHOLOGIES

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“Check if the child has forgotten the hat at home and if the housekeeper turned off the stove, remind the husband about the check-up, and the godmother about visiting the doctor, order a cake for the niece, hurry up colleagues with a report, ask them to call partners . .. although No, better call yourself.

The head of one of the departments of a large international firm, 33-year-old Oksana admits that such a stream of thoughts is spinning in her head from morning to evening almost non-stop: “On the one hand, it seems to me that my career successes would have been much more modest, not if I had the habit of keeping everything under control. On the other hand, relatives often complain that I am like a "soul". Yes, and I myself sometimes get tired of the constant need to either take everything on myself, or “carry out an audit”.

As for the desire to dictate to others how to live and what to do, a special term has been coined for this phenomenon — control freak (even without translation, it is clear that the word “care” and its cognate words are not here). Many justify this behavior with their own perfectionism. “His price,” warns psychologist Yevgeny Osin, “is the effort expended and the quality of relationships with relatives and colleagues. ”

Fear, anxiety - that's what makes us "keep our finger on the pulse"

The "controller-perfectionist" himself loses mental resources, and others get tired of his nitpicking and do not understand why it is so important to do some completely formal thing perfectly . Often at the heart of the pursuit of excellence lies the fear of failure or disapproval from others.

“When it is important for a person that everything is done flawlessly, he tries to control all the steps and cannot entrust things to others,” notes Osin. “This over-controllability can be good for business, but sometimes it just gets in the way.”

Fear, anxiety - that's what makes us "keep our finger on the pulse." And it does not matter how large-scale and really negative outcome we are afraid of: an explosion of domestic gas or imperfect performance of some - even the most insignificant - business at work.

“As a rule, such life beliefs are either transmitted, for example, by parents (“You have to control everything”), or become the result of some events,” explains clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. - Moreover, he does not pay much attention to situations when a person did not control something and nothing happened, because they do not correspond to beliefs. What is remembered is what confirms them: say, someone forgot to turn off the iron, and a fire broke out - an obvious terrible consequence of a lack of control.

What is good and bad about this habit?

Control is evolutionarily justified and protects us from negative, including truly dangerous situations. Who knows if mankind would have survived if primitive people had not been on the alert. And for a modern person, elementary control skills (and the basics of safety) are not superfluous: look around at a pedestrian crossing, hold a bag in a crowded place, check if the oven is turned off before leaving the house.

Another thing is that not everything requires our control and, moreover, not everything is subject to it. “People with controlling behavior are characterized by an increased level of anxiety,” notes Yakov Kochetkov. - They often try to predict events that may not happen, spending a lot of effort on this. The most unpleasant thing for such people is situations that they cannot influence. For example, flying in an airplane. Often aerophobia occurs precisely among those who are used to being responsible for everything.

The released energy can be used to achieve some more important goals than constant control and struggle with anxiety

Most of us have been convinced more than once that this is only an illusion, that our vigilant control can protect us from any unforeseen situations and troubles.

There are different degrees of desire for control. The extreme, most pronounced, is called obsessive-compulsive disorder (formerly known as obsessive-compulsive disorder). Among other things, it manifests itself in the performance of a certain sequence of actions, for example, in repeated checks (is the light turned off? Is the gas? Sure?) or other repetitive actions (washing hands with soap three times in a row).

Yakov Kochetkov believes that in this case the intervention of a specialist is necessary. According to Evgeny Osin, one can live successfully with this disorder. But: "If you cope with it, then the released energy, strength and time can be used to achieve some more important life goals than constant control and struggle with anxiety."

How to stop controlling everything?

Yakov Kochetkov suggests the following technique: “In non-clinical cases of striving for control, you can set up an experiment: try to gradually deviate from your rules. For example, start delegating authority - transfer some of the responsibilities to Vasya and see if he can do it (and think about whether the consequences will be catastrophic if he doesn’t).

Be careful not to change your habits abruptly. Our beliefs are insidious: if you choose a task that really fails without our control, it will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you will remain in the opinion that nothing should be left to chance. Start small.

Ask yourself if overcontrol helps or hinders you. Write down all the pros and cons (since you are asking this question, it means that you are already facing cons). The next task is to understand the origin of these beliefs. Where are they from? Is this a parental setting? Or the environment you were in?

Finally, try the expropriation procedure. Add another voice to your internal dialogue, tell yourself, “Stop. I know that this habit arose under the influence of such and such. It does not help much, and experiments have shown that it can be dispensed with. Thanks to this remark, you can draw a line between your adult inner "I" and children's beliefs.

If the nervous system is overexcited and it is difficult to switch to rest mode, special relaxation practices can help

According to Evgeny Osin, in non-critical cases, relaxation and rest helps to cope with anxiety - the cause of overcontrol: “The ability to relax and let go of control is necessary in order to rest. At this time, we restore our strength. No wonder they say: a happy person is one who does not think about rest at work, and does not think about work during rest.

But if a person is not able to relax even at home (for example, thoughts about work, about how to earn money), over time this leads to mental exhaustion. Life loses color, nothing pleases, everyday affairs and the smallest, minor troubles and obstacles cause irritation. This means it's time to take a break. To do this, it is enough just to learn how to allocate time for yourself in everyday life and at this time really relax.

Each person has their own recipes for recuperation: spend an evening with a book or chat with old friends, devote time to beauty treatments or music, take a bath, wander in the park or exercise.

If the nervous system is overexcited and it is difficult to switch to rest mode, special relaxation practices developed by different cultures over the centuries can help: focusing on breathing or movement helps to return to yourself, to feel your own life, bodily practices of yoga or tai chi - to become internally free through the release of the body from muscle clamps.

American social psychologist and coach Amy Johnson advises answering the following questions:

Control, among other things, is a consequence of fear. So what are you afraid of? What happens if you lose control of the situation? Are the consequences really that bad? You have already reminded your partner 14 times not to forget to buy eggplant. Are you so sure that their absence will spoil the evening?
Your business is the course of things that you can influence. What you are now in control of, is it really your business? When we try to take control of what does not concern us, it does not lead to anything good.
If you "let go" of the situation, won't you get a sense of freedom? It usually appears. Let this feeling help you loosen your grip.

The psychologist also offers the following algorithm:

Think about why it is so important for you to control this situation.
What gives you control? What do you get from it?
Are you sure you get what you want?
Accept that "under control" does not exist.
Get rid of all your beliefs about control.
The next time you find yourself trying to take matters into your own hands again, try to "go with the flow" and see what happens.
Continue to "let go" and see what opportunities open up to you when you are not in control. What can you take away from this?

Text: Maria Ishchenko

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How to successfully deal with aggressive and controlling people

Everyday communication is not always easy - it is often a matter of psychology. Therefore, today we offer you a translation of an article by Professor Preston Nee, an expert in the field of interpersonal, professional and intercultural communication.

"Some people try to be taller by cutting off the heads of others" - Paramhansa Yoganand.

Preston Nee

Most of us at some point in our lives encounter aggressive, intimidating, or controlling personalities. These individuals may be part of our inner circle or professional environment. At first glance, they may appear bossy, demanding, hostile, or offensive. However, with a wise approach and intelligent communication, you can turn aggression into cooperation and forbearance.

Below you will find seven keys to dealing with difficult people. Keep in mind that these are general rules and not all tips may apply to your particular situation. Just use what suits you and leave the rest.

1. Keep calm and composure

One of the most common traits of people who are aggressive, intimidating and controlling you is that they like to consciously put pressure on a sore spot, pull the strings and make you mad. Through this, they create an advantage over you and exploit your weakness.

The first general rule in the face of a difficult person is to remain calm. The less you react to provocations, the easier it will be for you to cope with the task. When you feel upset or someone is demanding something from you, before you do something you will later regret, take a deep breath and slowly count to ten. In many cases, by the time you count, you will have regained your composure and found the best answer, so you can lessen the problem rather than make it worse. If you are still frustrated when you have already counted to ten, if possible, take a timeout and return to the problem when you have calmed down. If necessary, use the phrases "I'll get back to you..." or "Let me think about it..." to buy time. By maintaining your composure, you will be able to store more energy to deal with the situation.

2. Keep your distance and wait with choice

Not all aggressive and controlling people deserve your attention. Value your time and remember that your happiness and well-being are important too. Unless something important is at stake, don't agonize over trying to fight a negative person. If you're dealing with an angry driver, a pushy relative, or an overbearing leader, maintain a healthy distance and avoid interacting with them unless you have to.

Sometimes you may feel that you are "stuck" with a difficult person and "there is no way out of here." In this situation, delay the action. Discuss the situation with trusted friends, ask for advice on how best to proceed, while keeping your well-being and priorities in mind first. There is always a solution, the main thing is to be able to see it.

3. Depersonalization and anticipation instead of reaction

Remembering the nature of people who are aggressive and controlling you will help you depersonalize the situation and seize the initiative. One of the most effective ways to depersonalize a situation is to take the other person’s shoes for a moment. Let's consider a situation in which you communicate with the offender and must complete the phrase "Probably not easy ...".

“My friend is very aggressive. It’s probably not easy to get out of an environment where everyone is forced to compete with each other…”.

“My manager is very bossy. It must be hard to live up to such high expectations that senior managers have in her…”

“My partner is so controlling! It must be hard to grow up in a family where you are always told what to do and how to do it...”

It should be noted that sensitivity does not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point is to remind yourself that people do what they do based on their own problems. As long as we are reasonable and considerate, the difficult behavior of others will say more about them than about us. By cutting back on personalization, we can be less reactive and can redirect energy towards problem solving.

4. Know your basic rights

When you are dealing with a difficult person, it is important to remember your rights and notice if they are violated.

As long as you do not harm others, you can stand up for yourself and defend your rights. Here are some fundamental human rights:

You have the right to be treated with respect;
You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and desires;
You have the right to set your own priorities;
You have the right to say no to guilt;
You have the right to get what you pay for;
You have the right to opinions different from those of others;
You have the right to defend yourself against physical, mental and emotional threats;
You have the right to a happy and healthy life.

These basic rights also represent your boundaries.

Of course, there are many people in our society who do not respect these rights. In particular, aggressive, intimidating and controlling individuals want to deprive you of your rights so that they can control and use you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that you are the master of your life, and not your abuser.

5. Bring them to the attention of the public

A common pattern of unpleasant people is that they draw attention to you in order to make you feel uncomfortable or inferior. They are usually quick to point out that there is something wrong with you or that you are doing something wrong. And the focus is on the question “what is wrong”, and not “how to solve the problem”.

This type of interaction is often designed to dominate and manipulate rather than genuinely care about the problem. If you react defensively, you fall into a trap, thereby giving the aggressor more power while he or she picks on you with impunity. A simple and effective way to change this dynamic is to draw the attention of others back to this difficult person, and the easiest way to do this is by asking questions:

Aggressor: "Your offer is not at all like what I need from you. "

Answer: "Have you given a clear idea of what you need from me?"

Aggressor: "You're so dumb."

Answer: “If you continue to treat me without due respect, I am not going to talk to you anymore. Do you want this?"

Ask constructive and detailed questions. By paying attention to the aggressor, you can neutralize his or her excessive influence on you.

The second way to interrupt negative communication is to change the subject of the conversation. Just say "By the way..." and move on to a new subject. When you do this, you will be able to control the flow of the conversation and set a more constructive tone.

6. In relatively mild situations, show your composure with appropriate humor

Humor is a powerful communication tool. Many years ago, I knew a colleague who was quite arrogant and intimidating. One day our mutual colleague asked him: “Hello, how are you?” When a selfish colleague completely ignored her greeting, she wasn't offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and joked, “That means good, huh?” This statement melted the ice, and they began a friendly conversation. Amazing.

When used correctly, humor can shed light on the truth, disarm the aggressor, and show that you are in excellent command of yourself. In my book How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, I explain the psychological role of humor in conflict resolution and suggest different ways to use humor to reduce or eliminate attacks.

7. In serious situations, point out the consequences to induce cooperation

When an aggressive, intimidating, or controlling person steps on your boundaries and doesn't take no for an answer, point out the consequences.

This ability is one of the most important skills that can be used to "resign" a difficult person. Properly stated, the consequence stops the aggressor and forces him or her to move from humiliation to respect. In my book, consequences are presented as seven different types of pressure that can be used to bring about positive change.

Learn more