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Basic relationship needs


What Do You Need (And Not Need) in a Relationship?

2 May ‘22

6 min

Relationships

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Must read: A Psychologist’s Guide To Having Better Relationships

 

So, what’s the difference between needs and wants? “A want is something you desire or long for as an individual, so it’s specific to you. What you want in life will be influenced by your (cultural) background and personality, in contrast to your needs that are universal and therefore the same for everybody. Something that you want isn’t necessarily something you need to survive, for example a new phone, a different job, or a second winter coat.”

 

So, are wants less important than needs?

 

Absolutely not, says Eva. “It’s important to know what you want and to work towards these things. This gives you motivation and energy and you derive satisfaction from that. It’s also important to know what the distinction is here, so that you can direct your focus and energy towards the things you need and then towards the things you want.”

 

Being able to make this distinction can also help you to get things into perspective, for example if you don’t know (exactly) what you want. Eva: “You often feel very disappointed when you don’t get what you want. It helps to take a step back and ask yourself: Do I really need this? Is there maybe an alternative I could consider?”

 

The difference between wants and needs in a relationship

 

In a relationship, there’s also a difference between wants and needs. “A need is something that is required to make a relationship work in the long term, while a want is something we’d like to see or get from our partner, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be fulfilled in order to have a successful relationship,” explains Eva.

 

Here it’s also important to be aware of the differences. “Confusing needs and wants can put an unnecessary amount of strain on a relationship. Consider a phrase like: ‘I want you to tell me you love me’. You’d like to hear these words (a want), although the need underlying this is needing to feel loved and to experience affection or connection. This need doesn’t necessarily have to be fulfilled with these exact words, there are lots of other ways.”

 

In every relationship there are a number of basic needs

 

In order to live happily together for a long time, we need to make sure our basic needs are at least being met, but what are these? “Affection is an important basic emotional need,” says Eva.

 

“You can show affection with words, physical touch or gestures. Acceptance and validation are also important. As are safety, trust, autonomy, empathy, and understanding.”

 

We’re of the opinion that these basic relationship needs are all important. However, depending on the situation, certain needs have to be emphasized. Eva: “In turbulent times, we mainly look for safety and connection in a relationship. However, when we’re feeling safe and well, we might need more autonomy.”

 

Communicating your wants and needs is essential

 

Although our needs are universal, the way we want them to be fulfilled may vary from person to person. And the situation or phase of the relationship will play a role. Our wants are also dynamic and constantly changing. This means it’s essential to communicate well, so that you can make sure you stay on the same page.

 

Eva: “Romantic books and movies sometimes give you the impression that everything just falls into place and that you’ll automatically understand each other in a relationship.

 

Including the other person’s needs and wants. But this is rarely the case. You can’t read each other’s minds. Nobody can do that. What’s more, we’re all individuals with different personalities and backgrounds and this means we all have different views about relationships.”

 

Top tip: A lovely book that explains the different ways we can show and understand love and affection is ‘The 5 Love Languages‘ by Gary Chapman.

 

So, the message is, keep talking to each other. In addition to improving how well you understand each other, communicating with your partner is also a good way to connect and to get to know the other person better.

 

Read also: Do You Feel Insecure in your Relationships? Here’s What You Can Do

 

How to get what you need in a relationship

 

If you want to talk about your wants and needs, you first need to really know what you want. Then it all comes down to the moment, the setting, and the way that you communicate. How can you do this well?

 

1. Know what you want to say

 

Eva: “First it’s really important to properly explore and figure out your wants and needs. Can you distinguish between the things you really need in your relationship and those that you want? Which needs underlie your wants; what’s going on at a deeper level?”

 

A real-life example: “A client of mine was always triggered when her partner left her waiting, even if it was only for a few minutes. At first, he found that difficult to understand because: what difference does a few minutes make?

 

But when she thought about this more deeply, she realized it gave her the impression that her time wasn’t as valuable as his. By really feeling and exploring this, she better understood her need to feel valued and that helped her to discuss this properly with her partner.”

 

When doing this, don’t just think about what you don’t like or what’s missing in your relationship, but also reflect on the things you do like. Eva: “When do you feel grateful, loved or appreciated?

 

This will give you insight into what you maybe want more of and what is working for you (and your partner). When you come at it from a positive angle, this topic also becomes more pleasant to broach.”

 

2. Choose a good moment for the conversation

 

“Timing is important, but it’s not always easy to find the right moment. It’s good to have the conversation when you both have plenty of space to talk about it. After all, these topics are essential to your relationship. You don’t want to just squeeze the conversation in amongst your daily chores.

 

It helps to let your partner know in advance that you want to have a good talk and why. For example, to get closer to each other and to strengthen the relationship. Consciously schedule in time for this. Make sure that you’re having the conversation in a place where you both feel comfortable and that you have enough headspace to really listen to each other. ”

 

3. Communicate openly, curiously, and respectfully

 

“Needs and wants deserve to be vocalized in a situation where both parties feel safe and comfortable. Be curious, understanding, and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How will your partner feel about hearing your needs and wants? What’s going on with them? How can the two of you get closer to each other?

 

You’re talking about your wants and needs because you want your relationship to succeed and for both of you to feel good. So, aim for a non-confrontational or non-accusatory communication style; talk about what you need instead of saying what is wrong with the other person.

 

Top tip: The book ‘Nonviolent Communication‘ by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg teaches you to say what you want and to listen to what the other person is saying. A valuable and also practical book.

 

The fact that your wants and needs are not being met (yet) doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship. There’s a good chance that your partner isn’t aware of what’s going on inside your head.

 

Go into the conversation with the assumption that your partner – not just you – has the best of intentions and that they want the best for your relationship. That’s a wonderful foundation for a good, respectful conversation and it maximizes your chance of achieving a positive outcome.”

 

These tips can help you handle difficult conversations: How to Have a Difficult Conversation with Somebody

 

“We’ve already seen that needs can be fulfilled in a variety of ways and that everybody is different, so take that into consideration when having these conversations. Be curious, listen closely and keep an open mind. That’s the only way to get closer to each other.”

 

It’s always worth taking the time to understand each other when you’re in a relationship. That applies to any relationship. Do you feel like you could use some help and would you like to reflect on things with someone outside the situation? Then schedule a consultation with one of our psychologists.  

10 Big Ones in Relationships

Emotional Needs: 10 Big Ones in Relationships
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Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD — By Crystal Raypole — Updated on Oct 21, 2021

Everyone has emotional needs.

Consider basic survival needs like water, air, food, and shelter. Meeting these physical needs means you can stay alive, but it takes more to give life meaning.

You can’t see or touch things like companionship, affection, security, or appreciation, but they’re just as valuable. The same goes for feeling heard or valued.

In a relationship, the strength of your bond can make a big difference in whether you both get your needs met.

Although every relationship looks a little different, these 10 emotional needs are a good starting point for considering whether you and your partner are each getting what you need from the relationship.

Most relationships involve different kinds of affection:

  • physical touch
  • sexual intimacy
  • loving words
  • kind gestures

Affection helps you bond and increase closeness.

Not everyone shows affection in the same ways, but partners generally get used to each other’s unique approaches toward fulfilling this need.

Someone who doesn’t say “I love you” might show their regard through their actions, for example.

If the level of affection in your relationship suddenly changes, you might start to worry. Many relationship issues stem from a lack of affection, and it’s pretty understandable to wonder why a once-affectionate partner seems distant or avoidant of touch.

If they seem less affectionate than usual, a conversation is a good place to start. Remember, you don’t know what’s happening without asking.

Try a nonconfrontational approach:

  • “I’ve noticed some distance lately. When we can’t connect through touch, I feel lonely. I wonder if there’s a way we could connect with words instead, if you don’t feel up to physical affection right now.”

Knowing your partner accepts you as you are can help create a sense of belonging in the relationship.

Acceptance doesn’t just mean they accept you, though. It also means you feel as if you fit in with their loved ones and belong in their life.

This sense of belonging might increase when they:

  • introduce you to family and friends
  • plan activities to do together
  • share dreams and goals for the future
  • ask for advice when making decisions

If you don’t feel accepted, you might feel as if you’re hovering on the edges of their life. This isn’t a comfortable place to be.

Some people don’t open up easily, and they might have other reasons for not including you in certain parts of their life. All the same, feeling like you don’t belong can make it difficult for you to see yourself in the relationship long term.

Here’s one strategy to try: If you haven’t already, invite them to meet your friends and family. Use this to open a conversation about how you’d like to be more involved in their life.

Even the closest partners don’t always see eye to eye, and that’s OK. When you don’t completely agree, though, you still want to know they’ve heard your concerns and understand where you’re coming from.

According to research from 2016, most couples find it important to operate on the same wavelength. When your partner completely fails to see your perspective, you might feel misunderstood. If they dismiss your feelings entirely, you might feel ignored or disrespected.

If you generally feel validated, but this happens once or twice, it’s possible they had an off day. It doesn’t hurt to have a conversation, regardless, to share how you feel.

But if you consistently feel unheard or invalidated, you might start to build up some resentment, so it’s best to address the issue sooner rather than later.

Try:

  • “I haven’t felt heard lately when I bring up important issues. Could we find a good time to have serious conversations, when we can both listen without distractions?”

As a relationship deepens, partners often begin sharing interests, activities, and other aspects of daily life. You might notice you’re becoming more of a unit as you grow closer.

But no matter how strong your relationship becomes, it’s essential to maintain your sense of self. While you might have plenty of things in common, you’re two separate people with unique goals, hobbies, friends, and values — and that’s a good thing.

If your identity has started to blur into theirs, take a step back to examine the situation. This blending of selves can happen naturally as you grow close, but it can also happen when you believe you need to become more like them for the relationship to succeed.

In reality, maintaining individual interests can fuel curiosity about each other, which can strengthen your relationship and keep it fun. If you’re losing sight of yourself before the relationship, set aside some time to reconnect with friends or restart an old hobby.

A healthy relationship should feel secure, but security can mean many things.

If you feel secure in your relationship, you generally:

  • know they respect your boundaries
  • feel safe to share your feelings
  • feel physically safe with them
  • believe they support your choices
  • feel able to share your feelings

Setting clear boundaries can help boost your sense of security:

  • “I don’t want to be shouted at, so I won’t respond if you raise your voice. ”

If your partner becomes abusive, seek professional support. Physical abuse is often easy to recognize, but emotional abuse can make you feel unsafe, too, even if you can’t put your finger on why.

If you’re looking for help, our guide to domestic violence resources can help.

Trust and security often go hand in hand. It’s hard to feel physically or emotionally safe with someone you can’t trust. When you trust someone, you know they’re looking out for you as well as themselves.

If you start to doubt them, try bringing up specific behaviors, such as staying out late without explanation. This helps you get to the bottom of what’s going on while touching base on communication needs.

In general, trust doesn’t happen immediately. You cultivate it over time, but you can also lose it in an instant. Broken trust can sometimes be repaired, but this requires effort from both partners and often, support from a therapist.

Be upfront about how you’ll handle breaches of trust in the relationship. While your specific response might vary based on the context of a given situation, you probably have a good idea about behaviors you can’t accept, such as infidelity or lying. Don’t feel guilty about making those deal breakers known to your partner.

Having empathy means you can imagine how someone else feels. This ability is essential to romantic relationships since it helps people understand each other and build deeper bonds.

Say they forget your birthday. You feel angry and hurt. After 5 years together, how could they? You’ve never forgotten their birthday.

But after your initial rush of disappointment and anger, you start to consider their side. They’ve been struggling at work lately, and that anxiety has started affecting their sleep. Most of their emotional energy has gone into planning a big project that could help turn things around.

With all that on their mind, you reason, it’s more understandable how they completely blanked on your birthday. You know it wasn’t an intentional slight, and you also know they feel terrible.

Your understanding of their situation helps you accept what happened and offer them compassion and forgiveness, which can bring you closer. Continuing to stew, on the other hand, might lead to an argument or drive you apart in other ways.

It’s pretty normal to want your partner to make you a priority. You want to know you come first and that after they meet their own needs, yours are next in line.

Of course, most people have a few (or more) significant relationships. From time to time, someone else in their life might need to come first, such as a friend going through a crisis or a family member experiencing a rough patch.

In general, though, if you don’t feel like a priority in their life, you probably feel as if they don’t really value your presence. This can make you wonder why they even bother with the relationship.

A conversation can often help. First, mention why you don’t feel prioritized — try an I-statement to avoid sounding judgmental. Maybe they don’t reply to your texts for a day or so, or consistently reschedule date night to catch up with friends.

Then suggest a possible solution, like replying to texts each evening or with a phone call, or choosing a regular date night.

It’s OK not to do everything together. In fact, maintaining separate interests and friendships can be good for individual mental health, as well as the health of your relationship (see autonomy above).

But you probably want to feel connected at the same time. That’s perfectly understandable. What are relationships for, if not sharing your life?

Without connection, you can feel lonely even when you spend most of your time together. It might seem as if you’re just two people who happen to share a living space or spend time together sometimes. Chances are good that’s not how you want your relationship to proceed.

Here’s the good news: If you lack this sense of connection, it’s completely possible to reconnect and engage with them again.

Some helpful tips:

  • Ask questions about an aspect of their daily life you’ve never really thought about before.
  • Suggest a new activity to try together.
  • Break out of your usual routine by taking a day or weekend trip.
  • Bond over shared memories or swap individual ones from your childhood.

Connection is important, but so is space.

Space within a relationship means you both have the freedom to do your own thing when you want to. You feel supported but know you can make your own choices.

It also means you still enjoy some privacy. This privacy can mean separate spaces to work or relax at home, but it also means emotional privacy.

Being honest doesn’t mean you need to share every thought that crosses your mind. If you feel annoyed, for example, getting some physical and emotional space can help you work through these thoughts in healthy ways and avoid taking things out on your partner.

When it comes to space, asking for what you need is key.

Consider:

  • carving out a bit of alone time each day
  • creating a private space for yourself at home, whether that’s a separate room or a little nook
  • spending more time outside

Before we dive into some key emotional needs in a relationship, it’s important to consider a few things.

Emotional needs aren’t set in stone

You might have different needs throughout your life, and your needs can also shift within one relationship. This might happen as you learn more about yourself through personal growth or in relation to your partner and your development as a couple.

It’s perfectly normal to adapt over time, even to discover needs you never considered before. Past experiences can have an impact, too. Your experience in a previous relationship may have taught you just how important communication really is, for example.

People can have different needs

Again, emotional needs vary from person to person. Some people might value belonging over love, or trust over desire, for example.

While you might prioritize certain things, such as attention and connectedness, your partner might place more importance on privacy and independence.

This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but you may need to put some extra effort into communicating needs and discussing ways to meet in the middle.

No one

has to meet your needs

Emotional needs play an important part in relationship satisfaction. If they’re fulfilled, you might feel contented, excited, or joyful. When they go unmet, on the other hand, you might feel frustrated, hurt, or confused.

That said, your partner does not have a responsibility to meet all of your needs.

Some needs, such as trust and communication, do affect relationship success. Without trust and openness, relationships typically don’t work out long term.

But they can’t fulfill every need, and you shouldn’t expect them to. Even within a romantic relationship, it’s essential to explore other avenues of getting needs met, whether by yourself or through meaningful relationships with others.

As you may have noticed, getting needs met usually involves some collaborative problem-solving. And what does collaboration depend on? Good communication.

Discussing your needs with your partner is typically the best place to begin. If you can’t communicate, you probably can’t explore needs fulfillment together.

Struggling to get started? Couple’s therapy can offer a safe, judgment-free space to begin talking through your concerns.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

Last medically reviewed on April 30, 2020

How we reviewed this article:

Healthline has strict sourcing guidelines and relies on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical associations. We avoid using tertiary references. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our editorial policy.

  • Gomez-Lopez M, et al. (2019). Well-being and romantic relationships: A systematic review in adolescence and emerging adulthood. DOI:
    10.3390/ijerph26132415
  • Sels L, et al. (2016). Emotional interdependence and well-being in close relationships. DOI:
    10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00283
  • What does a healthy relationship look like? (2017).
    ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
  • What is empathy? (n.d.).
    greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition#what-is-empathy

Our experts continually monitor the health and wellness space, and we update our articles when new information becomes available.

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Oct 21, 2021

Written By

Crystal Raypole

Edited By

Julia Stevenson

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Apr 30, 2020

Written By

Crystal Raypole

Edited By

Kelly Morrell

Medically Reviewed By

Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD

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Anne Arntson

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Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD — By Crystal Raypole — Updated on Oct 21, 2021

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8 main needs that drive us into relationships

52,967

Man and woman Know yourself

Man is a social being. Without contact with other people, we do not develop. Back in the middle of the 20th century, numerous studies showed that a child deprived of contact with his mother gets stuck in development, including physiological development, even if his physical needs are satisfied.

Every person, especially a child, needs to satisfy not only the personal basic needs for survival and physical security that Abraham Maslow talked about, but also needs for relationships. Of course, we are not talking about situations where none of the parties needs anything from the other, then there will simply be no relationship.

“When healthy relationships are not available, children have to take care of themselves. If children are deprived of responsive relationships, they are likely to form the confidence that no one will help them - neither now nor in the future, ”say the authors of the first Russian translation of the book Beyond Empathy, which analyzes in detail the basic needs in relationships. on the example of the work of a psychotherapist and a client.

Deficiency - often unconsciously - is reflected in our everyday contacts in ordinary life. We do not always understand why we now reacted so violently to the remark of the seller in the store or the phrase of a work colleague. And often a gap from childhood develops into a gaping hole filled with emptiness, and interferes with building normal adult relationships.

Conversely, when we find what we have been missing for so long, we calm down and feel more whole. We can work in the same company for many years, be married for many years. Perhaps we finally got what we needed so much. And if not, then we continue the search further. What are these basic needs in a relationship?

1. Safety. The need that Maslow talked about is also reflected in relationships. In them we strive to survive and be safe. In healthy relationships, we can be who we are without fear of rejection, without fear of losing love and respect.

But to show oneself, to show one's openness is risky, because it means exposing one's vulnerability and removing protection. Everyone wants to be sure that at this moment they will not receive a “hit” in the Achilles heel - a caustic remark or an unexpected mention of previous mistakes and failures. That is why, at the very beginning of a relationship, each of us checks the other: how safe it is to be around. We need to be prepared for the fact that at this moment we are also being checked. Can we guarantee security on our part?

2. Recognition of value. We want to be valued, cared for and considered worthy. Do we want to be close to those who do not understand us, do not appreciate and do not respect? Of course, a complete understanding is impossible - we do not always understand ourselves. The question arises: “If I am not known at all, then how can they recognize my value?” But you can get closer to understanding. Interest in the other provides an opportunity to get to know him and give him much-needed recognition of value.

Feeling that someone nearby is experiencing the same thing or has experienced it before is an important parameter of a relationship

3. Acceptance. As children, we need acceptance from a strong, stable, and protective adult. We all, when we were children, wanted to respect and rely on a parent, mentor, teacher. “We needed to have significant people from whom we could receive protection, encouragement and information. Unfortunately, for many, this need was not satisfied, ”the authors of the book write.

We often expect a relationship partner to be stable and reliable: keep agreements, answer phone calls, justify our trust. We want to be sure that tomorrow it will be the same as today.

4. Generality. Being on the same wavelength with someone, feeling that someone nearby is experiencing the same thing or has experienced it before is an important parameter of a relationship. Commonality is something that sometimes does not need to be explained in words. This is when we are with people who share our views, our experiences or feelings. Not a generalized “It happens to everyone”, but “I also have the same way as you”. However, it is not necessary that a person literally lived the same thing. It is important that he feels the same as we do.

5. Self-determination. Even in relationships, we want to keep our uniqueness and be recognized for that uniqueness. This is the antithesis of the need for generality: to be similar, but in some way exceptional.

“Expressing one's self-determination can be a risky business - too often the manifestation of one's own otherness runs into disapproval and ridicule. Such reactions are especially common in childhood and adolescence, when peers insist on unconditional adherence to the unspoken rules of the group, ”the authors of the book say.

Children who grew up in an environment of conformism, unquestioning obedience to rules and norms, may never learn to be themselves. These people in relationships will have a constant need to be authentic and feel appreciated and admired.

6. Influence. In any relationship, we want to influence each other. We dream of changing someone else's way of thinking, behavior, emotional reaction. We want not only to influence, but also “to see the effect of this influence and to know that something happened to the other person in response to our actions.” A healthy relationship requires the growth of each partner. We want to attract the attention of another, to interest, to influence.

Learning to thank and accept the feelings of another is an important skill in a healthy relationship. “He or she doesn’t listen to me” is the most common complaint to a therapist about a spouse. Hearing the other is one way to let them know that we feel their influence on us.

7. Initiative from the other side. We want the initiative in communication to come not only from us. Any relationship where one person always takes the first step eventually becomes one-sided or even painful. Very soon, we will begin to doubt that we are truly interesting to another and that such a relationship is worth continuing. Sometimes we keep them, but close ourselves. If we are unsure of ourselves, we may begin to blame ourselves for everything and, as an extreme case, “not wanting” to experience this need at all.

“Such conclusions, of course, are rarely reached in adulthood. These are old script beliefs that can be reinforced and strengthened by the behavior of some adult in our lives - a friend, lover, co-worker, and even a therapist, if that person is insensitive to our needs."

8. Expression of love. What could be more natural than the feeling of love and affection for someone who knows us well, respects, accepts and cares for us? “In any close positive relationship, participants experience care, love, respect and appreciation for each other,” the authors of the book recall. Expressing these feelings is one of the needs in a relationship. After all, what we experience in relation to another is part of ourselves, and we want to express it.

Often in a relationship, the other side prevents us from expressing our feelings because they don't know what to say in response. We grew up in an atmosphere where it is impossible to openly show our emotions - whether it be joy or anger. And often our open good feelings are met with suspicion. Learning to thank and accept the feelings of another is an important skill in a healthy relationship.

Based on Richard G. Erskine, Janet P. Morsund, Rebecca L. Trautmann, Beyond Empathy. Contact-in-relationship therapy” (Interservice, 2018).

Text: Olga Kochetkova-Korelova Photo Source: Getty Images

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What needs exist in a relationship and why they cannot be met at the same time

August 4, 2022 Relationship

It is important to learn not only to recognize your needs, but also to correctly state them.

In a relationship, whether friendly or romantic, the word "needy" seems out of place. Although in fact all our needs are closely related to our human nature. Human beings have a biological need for each other. One small study showed that we feel much less physical pain when holding the hand of a loved one than when we are alone. That is why relationships are not happy until they meet the needs of everyone.

What needs can be identified in relationships

There are three types of needs in a relationship between two people:

  1. Your own.
  2. your partner.
  3. your relationship.

Satisfaction of any need seems to be a pleasant and even necessary component of a healthy interaction. Why then is it so difficult for us to express our needs?

Perhaps the reason lies in our relationship with adults when we were children, in the way they treated our needs. If our desires were constantly dismissed, we could come to a simple conclusion: it is better to remain silent about what you want at all than to see how it is ignored.

In addition, we should not forget that we live in a capitalist world that values ​​high productivity. And it implies the rejection of many things, such as rest and free time.

Synchronizing all three types of needs is quite a difficult task. Imagine that you had a fight with a friend the day your loved one got promoted. You want to talk, and the partner is set to celebrate their successes. It is impossible to do both at the same time. And whose needs need to be met first?

How to deal with needs to improve relationships

1. State your needs

Many couples worry that talking honestly about each other's needs will hurt their relationship. In reality, the opposite is true - concealing one's desires leads to alienation and misunderstanding. Silence cannot move a relationship forward, especially if you are hoping that your loved one will guess what you want.

Sometimes people fall into the trap of believing that their needs are more important than the needs of others. This may be related to gender, nationality, position in society and other components of social identity that can provide some kind of privilege. In this case, the person is most likely used to getting everything he wants and does not understand how this affects others.

If you are always trying to get what you want, encourage your partner to express his opinion more often. And if, on the contrary, you usually make compromises in relationships, now is the time to stand up for yourself.

2. Understanding Feelings

In My Stroke Was My Science, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor reminds us that we are feeling creatures who can think, not thinkers who can feel. Our conscious and unconscious emotions affect not only the quality of relationships, but also our inner state.

Feelings lead us to what we really need. For example, if you feel hungry, you know that you need to eat, and when you suffer from loneliness, you realize that you need to connect more closely with others.

To learn to recognize your needs through your feelings, ask yourself two questions every day:

  1. How do I feel?
  2. How exactly does my body show me these feelings?

If you find it difficult to recognize your feelings, use the Plutchik wheel, which contains the basic emotions. Analyze your answers: note which feelings arise more often and how you feel about your needs.

It will take time to learn to accept one's own needs (namely, to accept, not to love). Even if you can't discuss it with your partner, acknowledging them is already a big step forward.

3. Choose the most important things

When we are given too many demands, our nervous system becomes overwhelmed and we lose the motivation to live up to them. Too long a list of expectations can break any union.

For example, you want your loved one to always be there, listen to you, make you laugh, satisfy your sexual desires, notice when something goes wrong, and lift the toilet seat. But this is practically impossible.

Therefore, you should carefully analyze your needs. Perhaps some of them can be satisfied with the help of friends or even on their own. For example, you love to train and want to have a sports partner. Of course, it's good when this is a loved one, but you can find those who want it among your friends.

Needs should also be divided into three main categories: "Now", "Later" and "In the future". Think about what needs you want to meet now, what will be next, and what can be postponed for the future.

However, do not forget that circumstances change and our needs can change with them.

4. Talk to a partner

Very often we give our loved one what we want to receive ourselves. But you just need to ask him about what you need.

If you are tired of constantly listening to your partner and not getting the same attention in return, talk about it. If you feel that you are much more loaded with household chores, ask your loved one to cook dinner. Stop waiting for the situation to change - take the initiative in your own hands.

5. Asking, not demanding

Asking for your needs is not the same as demanding. You can express your desires, but your partner still has the right to set their own boundaries and say how ready they are to meet your expectations.

For a happy relationship, all needs in a couple must be noticed, but not all of them must be satisfied.

If you decide to fulfill your partner's wishes, you should do it free of charge, without expecting anything in return. And if you can’t or don’t want to, it’s better to immediately refuse. Saying “no” from time to time is an act of self-preservation and a defense of your right to be yourself.

Also important is how you state your needs: