How to control your emotions in a relationship

Can You Control Emotions? | 🥇 PIVOT Codependency Coaching

Posted on by Lori Jean Glass

Emotions are a curious thing. At times, it can seem like they come out of nowhere, confusing us with their strength and intensity. For instance, you may start crying because you’re mad and get even more angry at yourself because you’ve been taught that tears are reserved for sadness. Or you may snap at your partner for a tiny mistake they made, even though you know that that’s not a particularly reasonable response.

There are numerous reasons why you may let your emotions overwhelm you; you may be struggling with depression or anxiety, or have attachment issues stemming from your childhood of which you’re completely unaware. While codependency coaching and other forms of guidance can be of great help in this regard, it is surely a good idea to learn more about the nature of emotions in the meantime. Read on. 

Can We Control Our Emotions?

One way to understand emotions is to look at them as your mind’s automatic response to certain stimuli. They are entirely natural, and it’s essential not to see them as either good or bad. In certain situations, an emotion that is often seen as undesirable, such as anger, may be the only natural response. 

Humans are emotional beings, and even if you consciously or subconsciously ignore or detach from your emotions, they will still be there, influencing your behavior in a number of covert ways. Your body does keep the score.  While you may not necessarily be able to control your emotions, you can change the way you react to them. For example, you can choose not to snap at your partner but accept the fact that you feel angry at them and respond in a more balanced manner and try to be a better person in the relationship. 

Why Is It So Hard To Control My Emotions?

Unfortunately, it is not always easy to process our emotions in a healthy way. If your emotions feel too intense and completely out of control, know that you’re not alone. The important thing is to understand why you feel this way, as there may be a number of underlying reasons why you may be experiencing emotional outbursts such as irritability and fits of crying or anger. These may include: 

  • Lack of sleep: getting enough sleep is essential to our wellbeing. You may feel irritable or overcome by your emotions simply because you haven’t slept enough or slept too much. 
  • Depression & anxiety: along with other mood and personality disorders, anxiety, and depression can cause you to either lose touch with your emotions or succumb to their intensity. Especially if you are in denial of having either or both. 
  • Trusting your thoughts too much: many of us have been taught that reason should be dominant to feeling. Unfortunately, this can lead you to trust your every thought as if it was undoubtedly true, even though it may be damaging to your mental health.  
  • Judging your emotions: emotions are neither good nor bad. They are a natural response to certain situations in your life. Instead of judging them, try accepting them in order to better control your behavior. 
  • Lack of self care: In addition to sleep, your diet and physical activity can also influence your emotional wellbeing. Eating healthy and exercising regularly can do wonders for your mental health. 

While it is entirely natural to experience intense emotions, you may want to reach out to professionals if you feel overwhelmed and unable to escape their influence. Coaching sessions can help you understand why you feel the way you do and guide you towards finding emotional balance. 

Can We Change Our Emotions By Changing Our Thinking?

Logic and emotions often clash, and it’s easy to see our emotions and thoughts as entirely separate. In fact, many people have a strong preference for one or the other in the way they approach life. However, our thoughts and emotions are far more interconnected than you may think. 

Either emotions or thinking by themselves aren’t enough to paint the whole picture. Although you may be inclined to believe that you have full control over your thoughts, the emotions you ignore will find a way to bubble up to the surface and affect your train of thought and behavior. 

Gaining A New Perspective 

The way we feel can influence the way we think, but can the way we think change the way we feel? While you may not be able to control the emotions you experience, you might be able to change the way you perceive them and act upon them. As a matter of fact, your emotions can be a useful guide, providing you with essential information that can help you determine the right course of action. 

Once you stop evaluating your emotions as negative or positive, you may gain a new perspective and understand where they are coming from. This will help you find the balance between reason and emotion and give you more control over your actions.  

How Do You Control Your Emotions In A Relationship?

Frequent emotional outbursts can hurt relationships, especially if your partner doesn’t understand why you react the way you do. But instead of holding back your emotions, you can learn to manage them in a healthy way. Here’s how: 

  1. Slow down

    Try to take a step back whenever you feel angry, sad, or frustrated, however hard it may be. The goal here is to be emotionally proactive instead of reactive.

  2. Give yourself time

    When things get heated, it’s easy to run headfirst into an argument. Instead, you may want to take some time apart and cool down before addressing the problem. 

  3. Explore your emotions

    What are your emotions telling you? Understanding why you feel sad or angry will help you see them more realistically and take appropriate action. 

  4. Question the relationship

    are your emotional needs being met in the relationship? If not, try communicating openly with your partner about what’s actually bothering you once you both cool down.  

Reach Out To A Relationship Coach Online & Gain Insight Into Your Emotions 

Achieving emotional balance is not an easy thing to do. Fortunately, you can rely on experienced and committed professionals at PIVOT to help you gain a new perspective on your emotions and take the first step towards healthy emotional management. 

At PIVOT, we offer compassionate and insightful coaching sessions for individuals and couples, as well as a range of transformative relationship-building workshops that can give you the resources you need to build deep and stable connections. Get in touch today! 

14 Tips on How to Control Your Emotions in a Relationship

In This Article

All of us feel emotions, and it’s a fact that it’s one of the most vital factors that drive us. How to control your emotions in a relationship can either make you or break things for you and your partner.

Emotions control how we think, talk, and act. That’s the reason why knowing how to take charge of your emotions is necessary to have a happy life.

What are the different emotions in a relationship?

As early as a person can say their first word, their emotions have also started showing. A child learns how to deal with different emotions.

They learn what affects their moods and how they can control what they are feeling.

It’s no surprise that emotions and relationships are closely connected.

Emotions in relationships are different when it comes to intensity. They allow you to feel and explore the broadest range of emotions you haven’t felt before.

From falling in love to your first major fight, it’s with a person’s partner that you will experience a whirlwind of emotions.

You’ll experience joy, love, fear, anger, annoyance, anxiety, insecurity, despair, resentment, and so much more.

If you do not know how to control your emotions in a relationship, it can lead to problems.

This is where emotional balance comes in. 

By learning how emotional intelligence and relationships work together, you can strengthen your relationship, stay connected with each other, and build a strong foundation for your relationship.  

What is emotional balance?

The term emotional balance or emotional self-control is controlling emotions in relationships. It’s your way of managing and finding balance when you’re faced with extreme emotions, most often in stressful situations.

Related Reading: Balance in Relationships, Life, and Everything In-between

Balancing your emotions in a relationship – Why is it important?

“Is managing my emotions possible?”

Controlling emotions in a relationship is possible, and the key here is how you can balance them.

Learning how to control your emotions in a relationship is necessary if you want your relationship to last.

Having controlled emotions in a relationship will require time and patience.

Have you ever felt so jealous that you’ve lost all sense of reason? You yell and even start throwing things at your partner?

This is one example of a person losing control of their emotions.

Now, if you know how to strengthen your EQ or emotional intelligence, you will be unlocking the best ways to control emotions.

If you do this, you can regulate your emotions. We don’t want to repress them because they will only explode if you can no longer contain them.

Regulating your emotions and learning how to think before you react will give you that balance of feeling no emotion at all and feeling overwhelming emotions.

How does your emotional intelligence (EQ) impact your relationships?

Having low emotional intelligence and relationships full of extreme emotions can lead to misunderstandings, frequent arguments, shouting, resentment, hatred, and ultimately, the end of your relationship.

If one tries to hide or suppress them, it can lead to physical symptoms, resentments, and one day, you’ll just explode, and all those extreme emotions will show.

Sadly, this is very common in relationships.

So, if you dream of having a long and healthy relationship, you need to know how you should regulate your emotions.

You’d keep your self-respect, power, sanity, and self-love while you become the ideal partner for your loved one.

14 simple ways to on how to control your emotions in a relationship 

Have you heard of the quote, “Don’t let your emotions control you?”

This is exactly what we want to achieve with these 14 tips on how to deal with your emotions.

1. Pause and think before you act

You found something that made you feel jealous. You acted compulsively and created a scene for everyone to see.

Extreme feelings in a relationship can cause a person to act compulsively.

In the end, this can affect your relationship.

Train yourself to stop, think, and analyze the situation before you decide to do something that you might regret later.

Ask yourself, what will happen if you do this? Will it make our relationship better? Am I doing the right thing?

Rage, jealousy, and even frustration are hard to control, that’s for sure, but it’s not impossible.  

2. Learn to process your emotions

Before you can learn how to control your emotions in a relationship, you must first know what you’re feeling.

Sometimes, you’re not sure if you’re angry, sad, or hurt. That makes it difficult for you to understand what emotions you’re feeling.

Observe yourself.

Know what triggered the emotion, what you are currently feeling, and what you want to do. A journal can help you if you document your emotions.

You can also note what options you tried to control your emotions.

3. Take a moment and ask yourself why

It’s hard to control your feelings for someone, especially when you are not sure what triggers you to feel overwhelming emotions.

Finding the trigger may not be that easy. You have to look back and analyze the events that led you to feel extreme emotions.

You might discover that you have resentments that you didn’t know how to voice out, or you might have experienced some trauma in a previous relationship.

If you often feel jealous, ask yourself why.

Did your partner cheat on you? Have you ever caught him flirting with another person?

Be honest with yourself, and you’ll start learning how to manage your emotions.

4. Stop yourself from dwelling on negative thoughts

You also want to learn how to be less emotional in a relationship. We don’t want to be trapped in a cage of hate, jealousy, and insecurity.

These are all negative emotions that will not help us achieve the relationship that we want.

Once you have discovered the trigger and the effect it causes you, take charge of it. Don’t allow your mind to dwell hours and days on these destructive emotions.

Put your past hurt behind and start learning how to have peace.

Related Reading: 4 Tips on How to Get Rid of Negative Thoughts in Relationships

5. Be careful with how you speak

Don’t ask your partner to talk when you’re experiencing extreme emotions.

Chances are, you would only fail, and you’ll end up shouting. No one wants to talk to someone sarcastic, right?

If you want to solve anything, do it when you’re calm. Remember, how you speak to your partner can affect your relationship. So watch your tone and improve your communication skills.

Denise Ryan, CSP, MBA, talks about different communication styles. Watch her video here:

6. Learn how to communicate

If you allow yourself to feel negative and extreme emotions, do you think you can explain to your partner what you want?

How can you communicate and solve anything if you are blinded by rage, anger, or other emotions?

What’s worse is that you can also ignite your partner to feel the same way.

Shouting, exchanging hurtful words will not help you and your relationship.

Emotional intelligence in marriage will work best when you know how to communicate with each other.

Related Reading: 7 Tips to Develop Excellent Communication Skills for Couples

7. Take as many deep breaths as you can

We’ve seen this in movies. A person experiencing extreme emotions starts to take deep breaths, and then we see them calm down.

It’s one of the things that work.

Taking in deep breaths can relieve your body of stress. It can also reduce your heart rate and blood pressure. Soon, you would feel a little bit better, and this is where you would be able to think clearly.

So the next time you’re in a situation that triggers your emotions, take a step back, close your eyes, and take deep breaths until you calm down.

Related Reading: How to Regulate Your Emotions From Destroying Your Marriage

8. Be mindful of your body language

Another tip on how to control your emotions in a relationship is to watch your body language.

You might not notice it, but if your partner sees you with your fists clenched, do you think everything would turn out okay?

It can even anger you to see that your partner is rude, not knowing that it is his defensive reaction to what you are showing him.

When you choose to talk to your partner even though you’re still angry or hurt, avoid crossing your arms, pointing at him, or clenching your fist.

Try to stay calm and take deep breaths before you discuss your issues.

9. Walk away to avoid clashing

Are you familiar with the saying, “Don’t talk when you’re angry?”

Remember this; your discussion can wait. Learn to control your emotions first before asking your partner to talk.

If not, you’re just asking for an argument. Worse, you might say words that you don’t mean.

Once the damage has been done, there’s no turning back.

If you have said hurtful or belittling words to each other, you can no longer take those words back.

So, it’s better to just walk away and talk when you are both calm.

10. Accept facts and be rational

“How to control my emotions when I’m full of anger and hate?”

This is a common issue that we need to address. When you feel extreme emotions, it becomes hard to control your reasoning.

No matter how hard your partner tries to explain the situation, if your emotions are getting the better of you, you won’t listen.

Learn to be reasonable. Accept facts, listen to your partner’s explanation, and most of all, be rational.

11. What relationship do you want to have?

The path to emotional well-being and balance is challenging.

When you’re about to give up, ask yourself.

“Is this the relationship that I want?”

This will make you realize what type of relationship you want. Are you in a bubble of negative and extreme emotions?

Or do you want to start living in a harmonious relationship?

If your relationship just brings you tears and pain, then why are you staying?

If your love for each other is strong and you know that, then what’s stopping you from being better and controlling your emotions?

12. Talk to someone you trust

If everything is getting out of hand, talk to a trusted friend or family.

Choose to talk to someone who knows you, your moods, and what you’ve been through.

Sometimes, another person’s input can help us have a clearer understanding of the situation that we are in.

This person can listen, give advice, and even make sense of what you’re doing, in case your negative emotions are getting out of hand.

Aside from that, having supportive family and friends can help so much. Don’t be afraid to get all the help that you need.

Your friends and family will always be there for you, and they only want what’s best for you, your well-being, and your relationship.

13. Learn to forgive and move on

If you are having a hard time regulating your emotions, maybe it’s because you can’t let go of the past hurts.

Learn to forgive and move on. You are only punishing yourself if you don’t.

If you had problems before and you decide to commit again, then it’s time to let go. How can you move forward if you’re clinging to these negative emotions?

Related Reading: Learning To Forgive: 6 Steps to Forgiveness In Relationships

14. Seek help if it’s too unbearable

There may be cases where trauma is involved.

For example, past infidelity may have had a huge impact on your emotions and mental health. It can be the underlying reason you are having a hard time controlling your emotions.

If you think these extreme and uncontrollable emotions have started destroying you, then you need to seek help.

Most of the time, people would refuse to seek help because they might think they’ll be branded as mentally unstable.

However, this is just a misconception. Professional therapists aim to help you and your marriage, and there is no harm if you want to ask for help.


Remember that learning how to control your emotions in a relationship will help you and your partner have a healthy partnership.

There may have been past issues, but if you learn how to take control of your mind and your emotions, you’ll achieve your dream relationship.

Even how you view yourself will change for the better.

Don’t ignore or neglect your emotions. Be in tune with them and learn how to control them.

5 effective tricks to control your emotions

Contents of the article

Recently, more and more people began to talk about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is a set of human skills with which he can recognize his own and others' emotions, control and manage them. The ability to restrain your emotions will come in handy in almost any area of ​​life - from personal relationships with loved ones to working negotiations with colleagues, management, clients. Emotions can overtake at the most inopportune moment, preventing rational thinking from finding the right solution. Therefore, it is important to learn to control yourself in order to understand your true desires and motives. We have collected 5 simple tricks from the free online course "Emotional Intelligence" that will help you work through emotions in the moment and avoid unpleasant consequences. nine0003

Detachment from what is happening

Negative emotions in most cases arise at the moment when another person takes out their discontent, evil, bad mood or resentment on you. We automatically want to respond in kind, to protect ourselves from the flow of negativity. But such action can only exacerbate the situation. At this moment, it is better not to react to the emotional manifestations of a person, skip unpleasant words past you and not let emotions take over you. Get distracted by something, go somewhere else. Let the person cool down and try starting the conversation again. nine0003


Sometimes we are overcome by strong anger, at this moment it is difficult to quickly calm down and come to our senses. Try to look at the problem from a different angle. Think that this situation is another experience in life that just needs to be experienced. Emotional outbursts make us stronger and more resilient, so everything must be treated philosophically. At first, it will be difficult to control your emotions, so remind yourself that in this way you form an inner core in yourself. nine0003


Sometimes it is difficult to immediately completely calm down, telling yourself “stop, stop being nervous.” The main task of emotional intelligence is to be able to slow down, pause. At this point, you need to turn on your brain and think about what happened, why you are reacting this way. Then decide how best to act in this situation, and only then begin to act.

Breathing exercises

Surely you have already heard the advice about deep breathing during a surge of emotions. It really works. Breathing helps to relax, distract from the situation and come to your senses. Just breathing deeply for a few minutes is enough to feel inner relief

Physical exercise

Sports are one of the best tools for developing willpower and self-control. You can often meet people who take out their negative emotions on a punching bag, do yoga, dance or aerobics. Sport helps to improve not only the physical condition, but also the psychological one. Even morning exercises will fill you with energy and good mood.

8 ways to control your feelings

Emotions drive our lives, and when we turn them off to make a decision with a "cold head", the result is not always justified. nine0003

We tell you when to follow your feelings, how not to get hung up on the negative and respond to irritants in time.

What are emotions and how they arise

Emotions are a mental process in the body that reflects the attitude to the situation. The nervous, respiratory, endocrine, circulatory and other systems are connected with emotions.

When you are in tune with your emotions, you develop decision making, building relationships with yourself and others, and the ability to take care of yourself. Scientists from the University of Berkeley and the University of Toronto have shown that the ability to regulate emotions is associated with improved living standards, income, and socioeconomic status. nine0003

Moreover, it is often necessary to control positive emotions - when they hit the head to the point of dizziness.

#1. Determine if you have difficulty managing your emotions

Strong emotions are normal. They occur when something very good/bad happens or when you have been waiting for something for a long time. This means that we accept our life and do not suppress natural reactions. But how do you know when emotions are out of control?

There are several signs:

  • you have problems in your work and friendships
  • difficulties at work
  • conflicts
  • desire to use something to control emotions
  • physical or emotional outbursts

#2. Do not suppress, but regulate emotions

No one would want to completely turn off emotions - stop feeling both good and bad. Yes, sometimes you want to forget that shameful quarrel and not relive it in your memory again and again. But a person without emotions is unrealistic. I also don’t want them to always work at 100% - emotional exhaustion will come so quickly. nine0003

When you suppress emotions, you prevent yourself from experiencing feelings. This can occur consciously or unconsciously, causing physical and mental disorders:

  • sleep problems
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • difficulty in managing stress
  • muscle pain
  • substance abuse

To learn how to regulate your emotions, you need to develop other skills:

  • Train facial expressions and gestures, use different voice timbres.
  • Manage attention - focus on the important and ignore the unimportant.
  • Control the breath. If you breathe deeply and slowly, you calm down, and if you breathe quickly, you become excited. The easiest exercise to calm down is to inhale for 4 seconds and exhale for 8 (the number of seconds can be changed, the main thing is to keep the ratio 1:2).
  • Develop imagination. So you can instantly imagine: “What if I now say this and that?”. nine0048

Also ask yourself the question: “Is it profitable for me to express this emotion in this way now?”. Most likely, you subconsciously know that, for example, you will get your way if you raise your voice in a conversation with an intern.

Frequent subconscious emotions: pity, despair, fear. When a person experiences them, he can turn into a manipulator - like a child who cries to get candy.

#3. Determine how you feel

Taking a few seconds to stop and sort out how you feel will eventually help you regain control of your emotions. nine0003

Imagine the situation: you have applied for a job that you have been waiting for for several months. We made the perfect resume, added our certificates, wrote a motivation letter for this particular company (and didn’t even forget to contact the recruiter by name).

A week passes - and there is no answer. Every day the wait becomes more and more tense. Two days later, the answer comes. You open the email and see the phrase: "Unfortunately, you are not suitable for us."

You get very frustrated and start acting without thinking: you assure yourself that you will work in the current position all your life, that you are not capable of anything, decide not to take the course you wanted so much, give up and lose motivation. nine0003

Interrupt these activities by asking yourself:

  • How do I feel now? (anger, frustration, anger, impotence)
  • What made me feel this way? (Recruiter's refusal without explanation.)
  • Is there any other explanation for this situation? (The vacancy has already closed / my competencies are a little outdated / this company does not suit me in terms of corporate culture - because I worked in a startup, and this is a corporation.)
  • What do I want to do with these feelings? (Write an angry response and offend the person / never look for a job again.)
  • Is there a better way to deal with these emotions? (Talk to a friend / go for a run / make yourself some tea and think about what prevented you from getting this job. )

When you go over alternatives in your head, you can rethink the situation and change how you react.

It will take some time before such an action becomes a habit. But the more you practice, the easier it will be to deal with strong emotions.

#4. Keep a journal of emotions

Every evening write down the highlights of the day - how you felt when you woke up, what was your mood on the way to work. Has it deteriorated or gotten better? Who influenced it? Were you emotionally exhausted at the end of a work day? Were you able to restore the resource?

This practice will help you understand your emotions - and see what decisions they led to. You will be able to pinpoint exactly what you were doing unconsciously - and next time take control of the emotions that led to unpleasant events or reactions from others. nine0003

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#5. React so you don't get stuck

Try not to accumulate emotions, but express them immediately. Yes, you should not yell at others when you are angry, but you can convert the emotion - joke, swear in a place where no one can hear you.

This method will be more effective than just immediately pouring negativity on the interlocutor. If you clearly define your emotion and understand its cause, perhaps the negativity will disappear by itself. You will analyze the motives of the interlocutor and be able to reasonably explain why you are dissatisfied. nine0003

#6. Conflict with result

What's the point of fighting if all you end up with is a bad mood? Don't be afraid to disagree, even if you're talking to people in higher positions. So aggression will not accumulate and will be directed in a useful direction.

Hidden aggression is much more dangerous than open aggression because it can seep into subsequent conflicts. When you are not afraid to express feelings for a person, honestly say that the idea will not solve the problem, the brief is no good, and the deadlines are too short, you will begin to discuss the problem, and not try to prove something to the interlocutor. Open conflict is about results, not personalities. nine0003

#7. Rethink Your Emotions

Do not torture yourself with thoughts of how to turn off your emotions. Look at the situation from a different angle. Consider the emotional filter through which you see the world.

When you receive a letter from your manager asking for an urgent meeting, what do you think? Will you immediately begin to worry about a possible dismissal, or will you hope for a salary increase?

The correct emotional attitude will help to change the attitude to the situation. If you catch yourself thinking, “This business training is a waste of time,” then most likely it will happen. And if you think: “I will introduce myself to new people, then I will be able to cooperate with them. Perhaps there will be something worthwhile at the training, and I will be able to grow as a specialist, ”then everything will go differently. nine0003

Often the best way to remove emotions and get another point of view is to think about what you would say to a friend if they were in this situation. This way you can think more rationally.

#8. Consult a psychotherapist if you cannot cope on your own

Problems with controlling emotions may be related to family conflicts, childhood trauma, or other problems that the person may not even be aware of.

Not all emotions can be handled alone. Constant emotional swings, long-term or short-term mental disorder, bad mood and thoughts about the lack of meaning of your actions, nervousness and irascibility - a reason to consult a specialist. nine0003

#Self-development #Psychology #What it is #Emotional intellect

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