Home » Misc » Getting rid of a narcissist

Getting rid of a narcissist


How to Leave a Narcissist for Good: 20 Things to Remember

How to Leave a Narcissist for Good: 20 Things to Remember

Jump to

  1. Main content
  2. Search
  3. Account
Search iconA magnifying glass. It indicates, "Click to perform a search". Chevron iconIt indicates an expandable section or menu, or sometimes previous / next navigation options. HOMEPAGE

Health

Save Article IconA bookmarkShare iconAn curved arrow pointing right. Read in app Paul Taylor/Getty Images
  • Leaving a narcissist can often be one of the hardest parts of the whole relationship.
  • This is because they have emotionally, financially, and psychologically drained you.
  • Experts weigh in on how to safely leave a relationship with a toxic person.
LoadingSomething is loading.

Thanks for signing up!

Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go.

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is likely to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Narcissists depend on their supply — the people they emotionally, financially, and psychologically drain. They need someone to abuse and manipulate to fulfill their needs and to constantly prove to themselves they are better, stronger, and smarter than everyone else.  

Through the love bombing, the gaslighting, and the constant battles, you'll already be exhausted, so leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist is tough. But it is possible as long as you trust your gut and have firm boundaries, and keep reminding yourself why you need to walk away. 

Here's what three experts say you need to know to make sure you can get out of the potentially dangerous situation, and what to do to finally leave the abusive narcissist behind forever.

Don't give them "one more chance."

The next chance won't change them. LUCA SOLA/Getty Images

It takes the average person seven tries to leave an abusive relationship, said doctor of psychology and therapist Perpetua Neo, who runs the platform Detox Your Heart which helps survivors of abuse.

"If you leave them, they might try and seduce you back so they can dump you," she told Insider. "Because everything needs to be on their terms, and if they are physically violent, there is no telling if they will be even more violent with you."

If the narcissist isn't ready for you to leave yet, they will probably turn on the waterworks and plead with you, telling you how sorry they are. But Neo said you shouldn't risk giving them another chance to hurt you again.

Don't believe they will change.

Thinking they will change could be your biggest mistake. LightField Studios/Shutterstock

Derek Jacques, a divorce attorney with The Mitten Law Firm in the Detroit area, spoke to Insider about the issue.

He said he helped clients who have divorced narcissistic spouses, and that one of the biggest mistakes he's seen is attempting to change a toxic partner's behavior. 

"The narcissist is psychologically incapable of change, aside from undergoing intensive therapy," he said. "Which due to the nature of their condition, they don't believe they need."

Don't tell them you're leaving.

Telling them you're leaving could make things worse. Tunatura/Getty Images

You shouldn't tell the narcissist you want to end the relationship right away, according to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse. "

"That might seem counterintuitive, but the toxic person will absolutely follow with one of two things," she said. "They will either start love bombing you to keep you emotionally trapped in the relationship through trauma bonding or their behaviors will become even more poisonous and potentially damaging to your overall wellness, physical safety or reputation. Sometimes all three."

Have a team assembled.

Have people around you who you trust. Charday Penn/Getty Images

You will need emotional support throughout the process of leaving a narcissist, Jacques said, from making the decision, to preparing yourself to leave, and actually going through with it.

"This may include your divorce attorney, therapist or counselor, and family or friends," he said. "Some may have difficulty with this, as narcissists are professionals at alienating their partners from the ones they love."

This team will help you keep firm boundaries in place, which is essential when they try and badmouth you or discredit you.

Avoid arguing at all costs.

You don't want to give away that you're leaving. PhotoAlto/Frederic Cirou/Getty Images

According to Jacques, it can be hard to bite your tongue "when a narcissist is spewing insults your way. "

"However, it is best to avoid engaging with them on their level," he said. "Be aware that narcissists don't argue to prove a point. They argue to feel a rush of satisfaction of putting you down and belittling you."

One statement in the heat of the moment may provide the narcissist all they need to launch into an aggressive verbal assault, Jacques added.

"Take those opportunities away from them and you remove their power," he said.

Make a copy of all your documents.

It's illegal to take someone's passport away. Shutterstock.com

This is especially important if you are from a different country, as the abuser might hide your documents so you can't escape.

"Narcissists are very known to take your stuff away," said Neo. "So if they have your passport, track it down."

At the very least, try to locate it, take some photos, and send them to your email. Get ahold of anything you can, including proof of address, bank details, and anything else official. Either wait until they are out, or trick them by saying you need your documents to fill out an application, Neo said.

Make sure you have spare cash.

Make sure you can fend for yourself. Oleg Breslavtsev/Getty Images

If you're thinking about leaving, make sure you set up your own bank account. This might need to be done a little bit in advance, so you definitely have your own money. If they are a financial abuser, you will have to do this in secret so they don't cut you off entirely.

Report what's happened to you.

Your doctor could help more than you think. FatCamera/ Getty Images

You may not feel you want to escalate the situation to the police, but Neo said it's important to report what happened to you. If you don't want to get the legal system involved, you can talk to your doctor, she said.

"When you go in, make sure you say something like 'I need your help, I have been abused, and I have been told I need to speak to my doctor,'" she said. "Even if your doctor isn't trained in domestic violence, a lot of them have an idea of what to do. They might get you a referral to an anxiety service or depression service."

Having all of this on record helps you if you want to make a case in the future.

Log out of everything.

Don't let them spy on you. Olena Zaskochenko / Shutterstock

If you leave yourself logged in to any of the abuser's devices, they can track what you're doing, said Neo. So make a list of everything you think you've signed into, entered your card details into, or set up any auto-fills on, and periodically delete them all.

"If you use LastPass to save all your passwords, do a master reset of all the important stuff and that will create a security boundary," she said. "And if [your abuser] is prone to taking your stuff away keep a burner phone. Those cheap £5 phones that last forever without recharging."

Check your devices for trackers.

They won't want to relinquish control. Rafael Henrique/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

Figure out if there is a tracker on your phone, said Neo.

"There's this thing called a remote access tracker," she said. "If your phone battery keeps depleting, that is a sign you're being tracked. Or if you log into your Kindle and it says this book was last read yesterday on somebody else's Mac, that means someone is tracking what you're reading."

Don't believe their flattery.

You do have a choice. Andrew Aitchison / Getty Images

"Narcissists try and use either extreme flattery or more abuse to keep a victim from leaving," Thomas said. "The ultimate goal is to create an environment where the target of the abuse feels they don't have a choice in leaving because the relationship has suddenly become everything they wanted or they are too worn out and fearful to leave."

But you do have a choice. Remember that things can be better, and you deserve someone who doesn't play with your emotions.

Reconnect with your friends and family.

It's important to get in touch with people you trust. Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images

Abusive narcissists want to cut you off from your family and friends, so you may not have seen some of the people who are closest to you for quite a long time. The narcissist may have turned you against them by spreading fear and lies because they didn't want you spending time with anyone else.

The important thing to remember is not to be embarrassed and scared of how they'll react to seeing you again, according to Neo.

"Swallow your pride," she said. "A lot of people think they're really stupid, or they've been conditioned to think their friends won't believe them. It takes a simple mind shift to realise it doesn't mean you were stupid, it just means you were tricked ... and anybody can get tricked.

"You'll be surprised at how many people might have suspected — and how much they may have wanted to help you but they didn't know how to."

Take it as an opportunity to cut out anyone else who's toxic

Not everyone will be understanding. The Good Brigade/Getty Images

But not everyone will be understanding, Neo added.

"Some people will be assholes," she said. "They will blame you, they'll say things like 'I knew it, I'm psychic, you're so stupid.' You will face people like that, so ignore them, and kick them out of your life."

You can actually see it as an opportunity to cut out those people who were unhealthy to be around.

Don't just leave — stay away

Do things that remind you to never go back. Flashpop/Getty Images

When you've left, you may be tempted to go back when reality sets in. Our brains are good at making us remember all the good times and blocking out all the bad after a breakup, and leaving a narcissist is no different.

"It's not just about leaving, it's making sure you stay left," said Neo. "Be very aware that all the good times you had with them that made you convinced of their potential were probably all a lie ... The problem is nobody is 100% bad, and a narcissist is great at pretending to be good."

Ignore the sob stories.

They will say anything to try and get you back. Jonathan Knowles/Getty Images

The narcissist will tug at your heart strings to try and get you to stay.

"They'll say 'I'm sorry,' and might pop up at your birthday because that's when you are soft," Neo said. "Or on their birthday they'll say they miss you and all the things you used to do together if you have a shared history. So be aware these are all manipulations."

You should be aware of something called the "drama triangle," she added, which is where someone flips between being a saviour (I'm going to save you), a persecutor (you're so worthless, nobody will ever love you), and a victim (I need you to support me, without you I'm dead).

Remind yourself that it's a rollercoaster.

The next chance won't be any different. Klaus Vedfelt / Getty Images

No matter how many chances you give a narcissist, the result will be the same. So keep this in mind, Thomas said.

"I often compare the relationship with a narcissist to a rollercoaster," she said. "Survivors of narcissistic abuse must remind themselves that no matter how many times they get back on the ride with the narcissist, the highs, lows and twists and turns will always be the exact same and the rollercoaster is not a healthy environment for them to flourish and thrive. "

Throw away any gifts.

If it reminds you of them, get rid of it. Nattapong Wongloungud / EyeEm

Gather up anything that reminds you of the narcissist and throw it out.

"The gifts, presents ... especially if you don't need this stuff. You can just give them away," Neo said. "They are reminders of your past chapter. It's a lot about decluttering, and it's about what's representing you right now. "

Learn how to ground yourself.

Face your trauma and you'll be able to move on. Maskot/Getty Images

It's important to ground yourself after a traumatic experience like an abusive relationship, because you may still be living the experience.

"Your timekeeper in your brain is not functioning well, it believes that then is now," Neo said. "So this means you can actually relive everything — the smells, the tastes and everything else can still feel very real. "

It's like PTSD, and this is what you have to work through, she added, otherwise it might feel like it's going to take over your whole life.

"Reclaim yourself, that's super important," she said. "Figure out why you were attracted to this person in the first place, and break the spell."

Make a list.

A list helps you keep track of your thoughts. © eleonora galli/Getty Images

If the narcissist is still pursuing you, you'll need something to help keep you strong. Neo said you should write down every bad thing they ever did to you, and keep it handy somewhere like in your phone or in a notebook.

"Every time the email or text pings in, read that document," she said. "That will actually convince you. Because when you see all these sob stories or these love emails, all this oxytocin floods into your brain and you feel this warm fuzziness."

But remember it's not real, she added, because by feeling empathy for your abuser, you forget to have empathy for yourself. Read the list and think why you put up with it. You wouldn't stand for someone treating your loved ones so poorly, so why are you allowing anyone to put you through it?

Don't rush into anything.

You deserve more. Oscar Wong/Getty Images

People can end up dating similar people over and over because of something called repetition compulsion. Essentially, it means trying to fix the trauma of your past with the present. If you suffered abuse, you may seek out abusive people to try and change them. Or you may end up with people who treat you badly because it feels familiar.

So it's vital you work through your pain before launching into another relationship, Neo said, because you might end up hurt again.

"If you feel you need another partner you have to ask yourself why is that," she said. "Figure that out and sort out a game plan with a vision of what you want to be and what you want to do, not what they wanted you to be and do. Reclaim all those things that they stole away from you."

When you've healed, you'll have a better idea of what you really need, and who you should be letting into your life. Then you'll be ready to find someone who truly deserves you.

Anyone affected by abuse and in need of support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). Advocates are available 24/7 and can also be reached via live chat on thehotline.org or by texting "START" to 88788 or "LOVEIS" to 22522.

Read next

Relationships Dating Love

More...

How to handle a Narcissist: 9 tips

Managing a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality traits can affect your well-being and mental health. Try strategies such as setting clear boundaries and relying on a support system of people you can trust.

The term narcissist is tossed around frequently. It is used to describe people who seem self-focused, concerned only for themselves, or manipulative of people in their lives.

Some people may have a mental health condition narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose this condition based on the criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

Other people may exhibit some traits of narcissism but do not qualify for an official diagnosis.

Here you can learn how to cope with a person in your life who has narcissistic personality traits, including what you can do to establish healthy behaviors and boundaries around this person.

We tend to use the word narcissist to describe a person who’s self-centered and short on empathy.

However, it’s important to remember that NPD is a legitimate mental health condition that can create significant challenges for the person living with it. It can also make it harder to others to maintain a relationship with the person.

Still, some people can exhibit narcissistic characteristics without being diagnosed with NPD. These might include:

  • appearing to have an inflated sense of self-importance
  • fostering a fantasy world to boost their sense of grandeur
  • needing constant praise and admiration
  • having a sense of entitlement
  • taking advantage of others or exploiting people without shame or guilt
  • not recognizing or caring about the needs of others
  • demeaning or bullying others
  • monopolizing conversations or meetings

To make things more complicated, people with NPD or narcissistic tendencies are often very sensitive to feedback from others. They may react with rage if confronted. They can also turn angry if they feel slighted or ignored.

Here’s a look at some practical ways to deal with someone who has NPD or narcissistic tendencies — plus some tips for recognizing when it’s time to move on.

People without NPD or other similar mental health conditions usually think of a relationship as a selfless equation. It’s about offering something to another person without the expectation of immediate or equal reimbursement.

That’s not typically the case with people with narcissist personality traits. They frequently view relationships as transactional or something that must benefit them.

Indeed, people with NPD are frequently charming, magnetic, and compelling. That can make them seem irresistible, sexy even. But the truth is that people with narcissistic traits often have troubled relationships rocked by jealousy, anger, and abuse.

A person with NPD is not always capable of the reciprocity that is necessary for healthy relationships. They may try to turn their shortcomings or failures around on others. They can be volatile and sensitive in arguments. In some cases, they may also use lies or manipulation to avoid accountability.

That can leave a partner exhausted, drained, and empty. Instead of defending themselves or setting boundaries for their own mental well-being, partners of people with NPD may decide it’s easier to go along with their partner’s demands and manipulation.

Of course, it’s important to note that not all relationships with a person who has NPD will be this troublesome. Some people can improve narcissistic tendencies and develop less one-sided relationships with treatment.

How not to deal with narcissistic tendencies

Confronting a person with NPD about their behaviors is rarely fruitful. In many cases, they will try to maintain the upper hand and are often very resistant to change.

Instead of attempting to “fix” a person with NPD, focusing on your own behaviors and well-being is best. This includes setting boundaries and building a stronger support system of friends, family, and professionals to help you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with this person.

People often describe a person with a narcissistic personality as charming and likable, which may make it easy to overlook some of their other more harmful behaviors.

However, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the signs of NPD so that they are easier to recognize.

This can also help you better understand the person’s strengths and weaknesses, so you are prepared to navigate any challenges that arise.

Plus, it can be the first step in learning to accept them for who they are and setting more realistic expectations about your relationship.

Talk with a mental health professional or read books written by mental health professionals. This may help you learn the best ways of communicating with your loved one showing signs of narcissistic personality traits.

Building healthy self-esteem can make it much easier to handle and cope with some of the potentially harmful behaviors you may encounter when maintaining a relationship with someone with NPD.

Engaging in positive self-talk, practicing self-care, and finding a healthy support system can help you develop resilience and foster your self-esteem.

Having higher self-esteem can also make it easier to set clear boundaries, be assertive, and advocate for yourself, all of which are key to maintaining a relationship with someone with NPD.

Sometimes, ignoring something or simply walking away is an appropriate response — pick your battles, right?

But a lot depends on the relationship. For example, dealing with a boss, parent, or spouse may call for different strategies than dealing with a co-worker, sibling, or child.

If you feel that your boundaries have been crossed when communicating with someone with NPD, try not to react, get visibly flustered, or show annoyance.

If it’s someone you’d like to keep close in your life, then you owe it to yourself to speak up. Try to do this in a calm, gentle manner.

You must tell them how their words and conduct impact your life. Be specific and consistent about what’s not acceptable and how you expect to be treated, but prepare yourself for the fact that it may be challenging for them to understand or empathize with your feelings.

You may notice that your boundaries are being crossed when dealing with someone with NPD.

Instead of trying to change someone with NPD, it’s best to set boundaries about any behaviors that are unacceptable to you and communicate them clearly to the other person.

You should also enforce these boundaries rather than making idle threats or ultimatums to ensure that you are being taken seriously.

For example

Say you have a co-worker who loves to park their big truck in a way that makes it hard for you to back out. Start by firmly asking them to make sure they leave you enough space. Then, state the consequences for not respecting your wishes.

Such as, if you can’t safely back out, you’ll have their car towed. The key is to follow through and call the towing company the next time it happens.

Practicing skills like deep breathing, yoga, or meditation may make it easier to remain calm and avoid reacting when interacting with someone with NPD.

Becoming clear on your intentions or practicing what you plan to say before asserting your boundaries may also be beneficial.

It can also help you anticipate how they may react to challenging conversations so that you can respond appropriately.

If you can’t avoid the person, try to build up your healthy relationships and support network of people. Spending too much time in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who has a narcissistic personality can leave you emotionally drained.

Rekindle old friendships and try to nurture new ones. Get together with family more often.

If your social circle is smaller than you’d prefer, try taking a class to explore a new hobby. Get active in your community or volunteer for a local charity. Do something that allows you to meet more people you feel comfortable with.

What is a healthy relationship?

Spending a lot of time with someone who has a narcissistic personality can make it hard to remember what a healthy relationship even feels like.

Here are a few signs to look for:

  • both people listen and make an effort to understand each other
  • both people acknowledge their mistakes and take responsibility for them
  • both people feel like they can relax and be their true selves in front of the other

Many people with narcissistic personalities are good at making promises. They may promise to do what you want and not to do that thing you hate or promise to generally do better.

Oftentimes, they are also sincere about these promises. However, in other cases, these promises may also be a means to their own ends.

Though direct confrontation is not recommended, it is important to be clear about what you want, need, or expect, and express yourself calmly and gently. Let them know that you’ll fulfill their requests only after they’ve fulfilled yours.

You should also stay consistent and follow through to take your expectations seriously.

People with NPD frequently have other disorders such as substance use disorder or other mental health or personality disorders. Having another disorder may be what prompts someone to seek help.

It’s also important to remember that narcissistic traits aren’t indicative of a more severe mental health issue. It is possible for some people to display some traits, such as delusions of grandeur or a sense of entitlement, without it being the result of a more significant mental health condition.

The only way to distinguish between random traits and a true disorder is through an evaluation with a mental health professional.

Of course, even people with narcissistic traits might benefit from the help of a mental health professional. Regardless of a larger diagnosis, some traits can be detrimental to relationships, personal development, and well-being.

And remember, while NPD is a mental health condition, it doesn’t excuse harmful or abusive behavior.

Regularly managing a relationship with someone who has a narcissistic personality can take a toll on your own mental and physical health.

If you have symptoms of anxiety, depression, or unexplained physical ailments, or you feel impacted by a relationship with a challenging person, see a primary care doctor first. Once you have a checkup, you can ask for referrals to other services, such as mental health professionals and support groups.

Reach out to family and friends and call your support system into service. There’s no need to go it alone.

Some people with narcissistic personalities can also be verbally or emotionally abusive.

Here are some signs of an abusive relationship:

  • name-calling, insults
  • patronizing, public humiliation
  • yelling, threatening
  • jealousy, accusations

Other warning signs to watch for in the other person include:

  • blaming you for everything that goes wrong
  • monitoring your movements or attempting to isolate you
  • telling you how you really feel or should feel
  • routinely projecting their shortcomings onto you
  • denying things that are obvious to you or attempting to gaslight you
  • trivializing your opinions and needs

But at what point is it time to throw in the towel? Every relationship has its ups and downs, right?

While this is true, it’s generally best to leave the relationship if:

  • you’re being verbally or emotionally abused
  • you feel manipulated and controlled
  • you’ve been physically abused or feel threatened
  • you feel isolated
  • the person with NPD or a narcissistic personality shows signs of mental illness or substance misuse, but won’t get help
  • your mental or physical health has been affected
Get help

If you fear the other person, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, which provides 24/7 access to service providers and shelters across the United States.

As you come to terms with your decision to leave the relationship, it might be helpful to talk with a professional.

These mental health resources can help you find an appropriate mental health professional:

  • American Psychiatric Association: Find a Psychiatrist
  • American Psychological Association: Psychologist Locator
  • Veterans Affairs: VA Certified Counselors

If you think you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or local emergency services and remove yourself from the situation, if that’s possible.

What should you not say to a narcissist?

People with narcissistic personalities can be hypersensitive to criticism and may react with hostility, rage, or aggression if confronted.

While it’s important to set boundaries and communicate clearly, confronting them about their behaviors, calling them a liar, or expecting them to change is unlikely to help.

Can narcissistic personality be corrected?

Narcissistic tendencies can improve with treatment, though this requires a lot of time, effort, and patience.

If you decide to maintain a relationship with someone with NPD during treatment, it’s important to set realistic expectations and healthy boundaries.

What are the four types of narcissism?

There are two main NPD types: Grandiose (overt) narcissism and vulnerable (covert) narcissism. While grandiose narcissism is often characterized by exaggerated self-worth and a need for admiration, people with vulnerable narcissism instead experience feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity.

There are also several other subtypes, including antagonistic narcissism, which is characterized by aggressiveness and feelings of entitlement, and communal narcissism, a type in which people tend to seek admiration for being altruistic or benevolent.

NPD is a serious mental health condition that can make building and maintaining healthy relationships challenging.

Though navigating a relationship with a person with NPD can be difficult, setting clear boundaries, building a strong support system, and practicing skills to keep calm and respond appropriately may be beneficial.

However, keep in mind that it’s also important to recognize when you need help and when it’s time to step away from the relationship.

“Stuck like a bath leaf”: how to “send” a narcissist

From kindergarten age, most people know the common truth: if they don’t want to be friends with you, communicate, and so on, you shouldn’t impose. People are different, as are their values ​​and goals, you won’t be forced to be nice and everyone won’t like you (unless, of course, you’re a dollar bill). Sometimes it happens that a person simply does not fit into someone else's coordinate system, and they gently say to him: "Leave me alone." The majority understands such a message from the first time, and communication stops - after all, self-respect for the majority is more expensive than someone's sympathies or whims.

But sometimes mysticism happens: a person is explained that they are not going to communicate, be friends, and so on with him, but he does not give up, imposes his company, comes home, writes in instant messengers. If this lasts for many months, there are reasonable fears for one's health: maybe the opponent is mentally ill? Or is he a so-called stalker? What to expect now, what to prepare for? Maybe the rejected one will come to the offender for a showdown, and it’s time to call the police? In general, I want to understand what is wrong here, and why simple words like “leave me alone” do not reach some people in any way - not from the first, not from the hundredth time - do not reach.

In fact, everything can turn out to be much simpler: on the other side there is not a crazy person or a stalker, but a banal narcissist who is unable to survive rejection and, as a result, the collapse of his self-esteem. To get rid of the obsessive admirer, you need to understand the nature of this phenomenon and choose the appropriate strategy.

Mom's Candy

“I have come across this in practice,” says Natalya N. from Moscow . - I decided to stop communicating with one man and asked him not to bother me anymore. But he doesn't give up. He came to my house, made gloomy scenes under my windows while drunk, disturbed my neighbors. I explained to the man in Russian that I did not plan any relationship with him (but spared his feelings and did not list the reasons for such a decision), threatened in case of regular visits to the police, and then he began to remind me in messengers that we had It turns out there were some "plans". “We were going to this”, “we were going to this”, “I will improve” (although I am not at all interested in its correction, I have no views on it and I am not interested in either its progress or degradation, all this simply does not concern me) . I also voiced all this to him, and more than once - but to no avail. It is completely incomprehensible why a smart, educated person, who does not seem to be suffering from any obvious mental disorder, does not get the simple phrases “leave me alone, that’s all”, where does such a manic desire to break another and impose one’s opinion come from? - says the interlocutor of "MIR 24".

To understand the clinical picture, it is worth considering that the opponent in that story is a typical narcissist, confident in his irresistibility, "mother's candy", which everyone should adore by the fact of his birth. Such people really do not understand how someone can not like them - in their system of values ​​​​and coordinates, this is physically impossible. Therefore, they do not hear the word “no”, they regard the refusal as the inadequacy of the opposite side, which made such a decision only in a state of complete blackout. And, accordingly, they try to explain to the partner that he is wrong, his decision is wrong and needs to be changed. 9 Jungian therapist Nathan Schwartz-Salant unsupported ideas about their own grandiosity, about some completely unique abilities, etc.).

In contrast to the "border guard", who rushes to extremes from idealization to devaluation and disgust, the narcissistic person uses people to satisfy his own needs. Most of all, the narcissist is afraid of losing the image of grandiosity in the eyes of others and therefore always wears a mask of arrogance and neglect.

P psychotherapist, professor from the USA Marilyn Murray lists the main characteristics of the narcissist. These are exaggerated demands on others (expecting special services from them that do not imply reciprocal courtesy), belief in the existence of a certain right to do what you want, exploitation of others (manipulation of people for the sake of fulfilling your own desires). The narcissist puts his own needs above others and therefore has no idea of ​​personal boundaries and does not respect the independence and rights of other people. In fact, the narcissist does not respect anyone but himself, and does not sympathize with anyone, does not understand what other people are going through. In the egocentric model of the narcissist's world, the world revolves around him - he considers what is happening only from the point of view of how it will affect his life. Since the narcissist considers himself superior to others, he strives for dominance, reminding others of their "place", likes to control what is happening, constantly puts forward some kind of requirements. He arrogantly considers himself an exceptional person, he is sure that the generally accepted rules do not apply to him. He reacts violently to any manifestations of disrespect towards himself or imaginary insults.

Narcissists divide others into necessary and useful; convenient for the implementation of any specific purpose; absolutely useless; despised. Traumatized in deep childhood, such people rise at the expense of others, proving their worth to themselves. On significant, idealized people, the narcissist tries to impress, and if he feels a threat to his self-respect and prestige, he falls into a rage.

According to psychologist, Gestalt therapist Gennady Maleichuk, narcissistic traps manifest themselves in the creation and maintenance of an ideal image of the Self and are associated with the need for a positive assessment. The narcissist needs to look good in the eyes of the Other and receive approval from him, confirmation of his own significance, importance, the value of his Self. The narcissist constantly monitors the reaction of others: what will they think, how will they appreciate it? Sometimes a narcissist believes that he will be loved if he fulfills some special conditions (which is why some of them “feed” partners with promises to “get better”, “get better”, etc.). His leading feelings are shame and guilt for not matching the image of the ideal "I", so the narcissist tries all his life to test this fit: does he fit or does not fit? Compliant or non-compliant?

The result of the narcissistic trap is that a person spends all his life energy trying to get conditional love from the Other. The activity of the narcissist is fueled by anxiety, behind which is the shame of inconsistency and the fear of rejection, the expert believes.

"Take responsibility"

Therefore, if your partner is a narcissist and you decide to leave, he will not just give up. The cooler this parting happens - without unnecessary emotions towards the narcissist (they will only convince him of the indifference of the second side), the easier it will be.

By being obsessive and immune to other people's decision (unwillingness to accept refusal), the narcissist tries to prove to himself and to the other that he is not so bad because he was abandoned. He will go out of his way to prove otherwise.

By the way, in mythology, Narcissus personifies destructive self-love and eventually dies by the pond from unhappy self-love. This is a story about narcissism, depriving the ability to respond to the requests of another.

In order to get rid of a narcissist, experts recommend telling him honestly that no serious relationship with him was planned initially - it was just the circumstances at that moment. Take responsibility for both the relationship and its ending, emphasize that there is nothing more to discuss.

But it is not recommended to list the shortcomings of the narcissist: he will start proving for the hundredth round that he is not like that, and the partner imagined all this. He may also take this as a call to action and promise to "change. " As a result, the narcissist, tirelessly demanding recognition of his ideality from the environment, will drown in attempts to prove to himself and others his worth and significance, and this story risks dragging on for centuries.

Narcissist Power: 9 Steps to Freedom

196,852

Man among people Man and woman

The feeling of love that we experience at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic personality is experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to All.

This is called "love bombing". Then the tactics change - the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.

There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back

When communicating with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for long - very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook.

1. Arm yourself with knowledge

The most important and first thing to do in order to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behavior and techniques.

You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won't be able to free yourself from their toxic hook - narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness.

Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless - they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.

2. Trust your intuition

Observe yourself - learn to separate feelings and deep inner instinct, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words.

Instead of listening to what they say, watch what they do. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior. Words are just a breach of your trust.

You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body tell you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening.

3. Don't put yourself in their shoes

Go back to where you belong. It's a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this - these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.

Don't try to guess what they have in mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations.

When you catch yourself trying to "get into the narcissist's head," do your best to distract yourself. It's hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they've taken over all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore messages

For the narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into the swamp of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist.

Do not listen or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.

Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy. Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say).

5. Protect your property and savings

If necessary, start saving money. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.

6. Silence is golden

When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love — this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate.

Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel

You can't move them. They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible - don't tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.

7. Who are you?

Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, what you want to live and die for. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in a relationship - what we are ready to tolerate and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else's will.

8. Be patient

Continue to observe and analyze. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately. This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of "great love to the grave", "faithful" friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.

Liberation does not happen overnight. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Be kind and patient with yourself. You learn to act and live in a new way - rethink, clarify yourself and your life principles, move to a new level of relationships with others. Give yourself time to deal with everything that's going on.

9. Feed your soul

Help others, little by little, quietly and anonymously. Say something nice, even to a stranger. Fulfill one of your little wishes, just for yourself. Draw strength from religion if you are a believer. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that one day you will be free and the joy of life will return to you.

Text: Ksenia Tatarnikova Photo Source: Unsplash

New on the site0003

The other side of compliments: what not to say - 5 forbidden tricks

If your partner manipulates guilt: 3 steps to counteract

Quiz: What does the interior of your apartment tell about you?

“My friend's boyfriend raped me.

Learn more