Becoming resentful in a relationship

How Resentment Can Grow In A Relationship — Kristin Davin, Psy.D.

Maintaining a happy and healthy relationship involves several factors, but one of the primary ones is communication. Often, when communication is lacking, resentment can grow in a relationship.

It is important to note that resentment does not only occur in an abusive relationship. It may also happen when partners are angry with each other or feel hurt by something the other has said or done. Sometimes, relationship resentment grows, and we don’t know exactly where it started, so let’s talk about it.

It’s important to discuss how resentment grows in relationships but equally important to learn ways in how you can effectively deal with the resentment before your relationship becomes collateral damage.

8 Causes of Resentment in a Relationship

1. You feel ignored.

One of the main signs of resentment in a relationship is being ignored by your partner. Although you mind find yourself trying to express your feelings to your partner, but they keep ignoring what you say or turning the conversation back to their own experiences. This builds resentment. Its critical to be able to talk to your partner when you don’t feel you are being heard but in a way that doesn’t necessarily target them if they already have a habit of feeling that way.

When we feel ignored, we also start to feel like we are not ‘seen’ in the relationship. It’s as though we are not important. This leaves us feeling sad about the state of our relationship.

2. You argue too much.

Too many arguments about the same issues, or new issues, are a primary reason relationship resentment may grow. This often results in having circular conversations that can quickly get derailed and people find themselves going around in circles. This is a very frustrating experience!

When you feel like you are having the same fight repeatedly, this can lead to resentment towards your partner. You may feel like they aren’t listening, or you may also feel like they are listening but not taking any action to fix the problem. Again, healthy communication is key.

Resentment happens when we feel like we're not receiving what we deserve. When you and your partner argue over the same things without resolving, it's easy to feel like your point will never be heard by your partner, and resentment can start to grow because of that.

Often one partner is hearing what their partner is saying, but isn’t actively listening. Hearing and listening are two different skills that can and must be learned to have a healthy relationship.

Let’s chat about how we can work together to work on your relationship resentment issues and build a healthier connection. Just click the button below for a free 15 minute consultation!

3. You keep finding faults in your partner.

Resentment in a relationship can grow when the couple starts to focus on their partner's faults, flaws, and mistakes. This leads to negative feelings and makes it more difficult to find things to appreciate about them. It can also be caused by a long-term issue that has not been addressed and remains unresolved.

Sometimes, when there’s been a lot of fighting, one partner may start to hyper-fixate on the moments their partner makes a mistake. This can lead to unnecessary resentment. During these times, it’s very challenging to find anything positive about your partner. So, the tendency is to focus on their negative attributes which only leads to more resentment.

4. You use passive-aggressive behavior.

When one of you is passive-aggressive, it can easily lead to resentment in your relationship. Passive aggressive behavior often comes in the form of sly vocal remarks or body language changes. A person who is passive-aggressive will use silence, sarcasm, subtle digs, and avoidance as a way to communicate - albeit ineffectively.

This is often the result of underlying anger, insecurity, or sadness. They indirectly express negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. This kind of behavior often leads to arguments and frustration from both partners and can very quickly lead to resentment as one or both of you are not being clear and communicating.

5. One of you physically or emotionally withdraws from the relationship.

One of the most common reasons that resentment grows in a relationship is when one partner withholds intimacy or affection. This is often demonstrated in stonewalling or aggressively ignoring your partner when you know they would benefit from communication or connection. You are actively giving your partner the ‘silent treatment’ which is extremely toxic and abusive and creates greater resentment.

When one partner withholds intimacy or affection, it can cause either party to feel inadequate or as though they are not good enough. This feeling can lead to resentment and hurt feelings. It is important to understand what intimacy means in this context. Intimacy is not just about sex, it is about emotional closeness and mutual support. When someone withholds their support, the other person may feel rejected, which can cause resentment to grow over time.

It's important to note that there are other ways that couples show their love for one another. For example, through acts of kindness and generosity, by listening to each other’s problems without judging them, or by doing something as simple as household chores together.

6. You don’t know how to fix the problem in your relationship

Resentment can grow in a relationship when you feel hopeless about the situation. You may feel that your partner takes you for granted, or that they don't care about your needs. You may feel like they're ignoring your side of an argument or that they are not listening to your concerns.

If you have tried talking with them or giving them space but nothing seems to work, then resentment can set in. This is often due to feeling a lack of ability to fix the problem at hand with your partner.

7. You have unfilled or unspoken expectations.

We all have desires and expectations when we enter a relationship with someone. We want certain things from the other person, and we expect certain things from them as well.

But these expectations - if they are unreasonable or lofty - need to be discussed because if not, you will become resentful and bitter over time. You might resort to like blaming, shaming, or criticizing the other person because of your unspoken, unmet expectations. And when these negative behaviors come out, they usually make things worse.

8. One of you is always spending time away from each other and the relationship.

Another reason resentment in a relationship may develop is when one person feels as though they are doing all the housework while another person is always away at work or just relaxing.

This can create a situation where one person feels resentful because they must do all of the cleaning, laundry, and other household chores while their partner is out having fun or working late.

They may also feel like they are doing all the ‘heavy lifting’ or holding the ‘emotional bandwidth’ in the relationship. Resentment in a relationship grows due to feelings of things being unfair.

I provide a free 15-minute consultation for couples who want to see how working together can help both of you work on your relationship resentment issues. Just click the button below to get started!

Tips to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship

1. Communicate with your partner.

The first thing you should do is talk to your partner about how you feel. Share with them why you feel resentful. Use healthy communication skills so they can begin to understand your feelings.. Both people should lead with honesty, while watching your tone and inflection.

2. Be honest with your partner.

This is a problem you and your partner both need to solve together. Relationship resentment can become a festering problem that's hard to get rid of and can eat away at the happiness between you and your partner.

Be honest about how their actions make you feel. And this goes both ways. This will help build trust between both parties which is crucial for any successful relationship!

3. Work on solutions to your resentment problems together.

Pick a time that is a good time for both of you and decide what you will talk about beforehand so that each person knows what will be discussed. Limit the amount of time and stick to one topic. Share ways that you can work through these problems together so neither of you becomes resentment towards the other person.

4. Show respect for your partner and their point of view.

This should not be done in anger, spite, or with sarcasm; rather, approach the conversation from a place of love and understanding. Many couples also choose to seek professional counseling to help deal with resentment that has built up in the relationship.

5. Don’t play the blame game.

Playing the blame game will only make things worse. Remember: relationships are about teamwork, not about being right or wrong. It isn’t you vs me, it should be us vs the world. Relationships are about engaging in open and healthy communication. Whatever the cause is, resentment in a relationship will make both people unhappy. It's important to deal with it as soon as you can so it doesn't destroy your relationship.

Final Thoughts

Resentment can be a destructive force in any relationship romantic, familial, or platonic. It is the feeling of disappointment about a situation that leaves you feeling powerless. It's important to be able to identify the signs of resentment before it has a chance to cause serious damage.

If you are in a relationship with a person who is feeling resentment towards you, try and improve your communication with this person. Be genuine and honest and resolve to face any problems that may arise head-on.

Are you feeling resentful in your relationship? Maybe it’s time that you seek out professional help that can help you and your partner get back on track. Book a free appointment here to get started!

Dealing with Resentment in Relationships I Psych Central

Resentment can sneak up on even the most committed couples. Here’s how to banish bitterness before it rules your relationship.

Hovering somewhere between anger and disappointment, resentment is a nagging feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly in some way by another person.

In romantic relationships, this emotion can be challenging to identify yet highly destructive, eroding away at the very fibers that hold two people together.

But just because resentment is present doesn’t mean your relationship is ruined. It just means there’s work to do to uncover why it exists. Once you’ve identified the reasons behind resentful feelings, you and your partner can work toward rebuilding the love and respect you both deserve.

Resentment is the result of a perception that someone has treated you unfairly. Although the person you resent may not have intentionally meant to harm you, their actions or words may cause you to feel intense disappointment.

Some research suggests resentment is a combination of anger, surprise, disgust, contempt, and shock. However, other studies indicate that sometimes resentment can result from an individual’s perception of being mistreated when it may not be justified.

Reasons for resentment vary and may depend on your personal relationship expectations. For example, maybe your partner has made decisions that weren’t right for you, or you feel they aren’t doing their fair share of the household chores.

Differences in life goals can lead to resentment, as well. For instance, you may want to have a child and your partner doesn’t, or their job forces you to move to a location you don’t like.

People who are codependent or nonconfrontational may be especially prone to feelings of resentment. This is because they may have difficulty effectively communicating their wants and needs — allowing issues to fester and grow until eventually, resentment sets in.

How resentment impacts your relationship may have a lot to do with who feels resentful. If you harbor bitterness toward your partner, you may express anger unexpectedly, have less empathy for your loved one, or begin to emotionally withdraw from the relationship.

If your partner is resentful toward you, you may begin to feel anxious about the relationship or confused when your partner exhibits resentment-related behaviors. You might not understand why they’re acting this way and respond with defensiveness.

Although every person is different, and each relationship is unique, common signs that you may hold resentment toward your partner are:

passive-aggressive words or actions, or an increase of sarcastic remarks
increased agitation directed toward your partner
feeling like you want to escape the relationship
reduced feelings of empathy
less interest in sex or intimacy
feelings of disgust or disappointment
frequently complaining to others about your mate

On the other hand, if your partner is the one feeling resentment, you might experience:

a feeling of distance between you and your mate
anxiety about the relationship
an increase in arguments and confusion as to why they are occurring
feeling ignored, or that your opinions no longer matter

If you think you or your partner are prone to feeling resentful, there are steps you can take to help prevent it in your relationship. Here are some things you can try:

Address relationship issues as they occur

Allowing arguments to remain unresolved is a recipe for resentment. Although you might not always see eye to eye with your partner, working on each issue as it pops up instead of ignoring it can help keep bitterness at bay.

Learn to effectively communicate and express your feelings

Resentment can build if you have difficulty expressing your true feelings about issues within your relationship. One step you can take toward better communication is figuring out exactly what’s bothering you.

Once you’ve identified the reason behind your feelings, you can approach the problem with clarity — reducing the risk of miscommunication and resentment.

Keep your expectations realistic

Often, two people enter a relationship with preset expectations. When they’re not met, it can cause disappointment. Although everyone has boundaries that their partner should respect, it’s helpful to remember that no two people are exactly alike. Therefore, your partner may not meet every requirement on your expectation list. And that’s OK.

If bitterness is present in your relationship, consider trying these strategies to overcome it.

Consciously acknowledge the resentment

Sometimes, you might not even be aware resentment exists. So, if you’re feeling bitter toward your partner and can’t understand why, consider taking time to dig deeper for the root cause. If resentment is present, the next step is figuring out the issues causing it and working on them one at a time.

Focus on the good things

Although bitter feelings might be dominating your relationship right now, it’s helpful to remember the reasons why you’re with your partner. Thinking about their good qualities can help put your feelings into perspective, lessening the power resentment has over you.

Investigate your role in resentment

Sometimes resentfulness stems from how you perceive a situation. For example, you may feel mistreated — but why? Do you have unaddressed emotional triggers playing a part?

On the other hand, if your partner is resentful toward you, is there something you’re doing that could be playing a role in how they feel?

Learn ways to compromise

Sometimes, all it takes is a genuine compromise to make the relationship feel a bit more balanced. For instance, maybe you’re resentful of your mate’s mishandling of finances. A compromise might be having separate bank accounts. With the source of the bitterness no longer present, resentment may have a hard time brewing.

Despite your best efforts, sometimes it’s challenging to move past feelings of resentment. If this is happening to you and you want to remain with your partner, marriage or relationship therapy may be an option to consider.

Realizing that your relationship is experiencing resentment can be disheartening. Still, if both partners are willing, it can be dealt with effectively.

It can help to understand that this complex emotion doesn’t occur overnight. Instead, it’s often the result of long-standing unresolved issues paired with communication difficulties.

Once you uncover why it’s occurring in your relationship, you and your partner can take actionable steps to successfully address it.

The habit of being offended: how we spoil relations with others

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Know yourself

The reasons for resentment were different each time: you can’t refuse my fantasy, as well as the ability to notice any sideways glance in my direction or the wrong intonation especially in written communications. Over the years of practice, I have become a virtuoso in capturing hints, reading irony and recognizing criticism, especially where it was not and could not be. In the most neutral phrase, depending on the context, I could detect a claim or an accusation, catch notes of disappointment or signs of irritation.

And I knew how to cherish and prolong the inflicted insult: I arranged a boycott for the offender, went off the radar for months. We did not communicate with one of our close friends for several months - as it turned out later, I just misunderstood her. The fear of saying something wrong and being misunderstood by me forced others to carefully select words.

This went on for many years, until one day I realized that it was not normal that they were afraid to tell me something, and that my behavior (mine, not theirs!) was extremely unhealthy.

The whole encyclopedia of my grievances can be reduced to one phrase: I'm not good enough

In the course of work, on my own and with a psychologist, I realized the following. First, I don't like to be offended. Yes, and I didn’t like it before, only the attitudes “they carry water on the offended”, “pouted like a mouse on the rump” and “who is so touchy with us” used to come into conflict with my inner confidence that I was offended by the case, and the offender hit me on purpose.

Secondly, I am offended mainly by my friends. They are the people closest to me, we chose each other and, it seems, we should love each other with unconditional love. Which, according to my infantile ideas, does not involve criticism (since all these “for your own good”, “I want the best for you” and “who will tell you if not me” were more than enough for me in relations with my parents).

Thirdly, the whole encyclopedia of my grievances can be reduced to a single phrase: I am being devalued. The speaker tells me that I'm not good enough.

Are they making fun of my economic ability? I'm not good enough. Forgot about an important event for me? I'm not good enough.

Communicate without me? I'm not good enough. Bring up the question of my temper? I'm not good enough.

Having understood this, did I become less offended? Definitely yes. Can I be hooked by a mere trifle? Still yes, but now I can at least track it down and discuss it with the “offender” right away. And every time when the usual wave overwhelms me, I repeat to myself: “Anyone can offend you, but it’s up to you to be offended or not.”

Nadezhda Pylaeva, psychologist

Resentment is an illusion of control: while it exists, I control the other, “punish” him, causing him to feel guilty. What am I punishing for? First of all for not meeting my expectations. The usual scheme turns on: “How could he! He should have…” We put responsibility on others (this is much more convenient than answering for ourselves) and in the end we are disappointed in the person who “owed” us something.

It turns out that the other can offend us only because we deny his right to act as he wants, we deny his point of view, his worldview. And disappointment is not long in coming: the “offender”, it turns out, is not at all what we thought.

It is also useful to ask ourselves why the "offender" did not do what we expected from him

Often resentment acts as a lever for manipulation in relationships: I expect something from a partner, but do not tell him what exactly . Of course, I don’t get what I want, which means I reproach him, cultivating a sense of guilt in him, and so on in a circle.

Do you understand that you often fall into this trap? Think about what and to whom you personally owe. Ask yourself: why should you? How long have you had this "debt"? Where did you get what you should? The result of this whole chain of reflections will be a genuine awareness of the phrase "No one owes anything to anyone." No one - including your partner, relative, interlocutor, friend.

It is also useful to ask ourselves why the "offender" did not do what we expected him to do. Maybe he had objective reasons for that? And in general - have we clearly formulated our expectations? Did they ask for help? Did you say we need support? Most often, a person is not aware that we are expecting something from him (and the infantile argument “I should have guessed it myself”, by the way, is “hello” from childhood and relationships with my mother).

That sweet word "resentment"

It sounds strange, but most of these people are in no hurry to part with this character trait. Offended as if he has special privileges. He feels that he has suffered and has the right to demand “compensation”, and at the same time he will certainly refuse any compensation, because it will not be enough.

To keep the right to demand, one must continue, warming up feelings of guilt in others. Surrounding, of course, will not give the necessary compensation - another confirmation that "the world is unfair." You can be more offended.

Admit to yourself: yes, I am offended, and try to figure out what exactly hurt you so much

Another point that cannot be discounted: resentment is aggression directed not only outward, but also inward, at oneself. In fact, we offend ourselves by unconsciously agreeing with the negative judgment addressed to us. The worse we treat ourselves, the more acutely we react to external confirmations that we are “bad”, “worthless”, “not capable of anything”.

And in this case, the easiest way to get rid of resentment is to express your feelings. Admit to yourself: yes, I am offended - and try to figure out what exactly hurt you so much.

How to stop being offended

In this case, the principle of "forewarned is forearmed" works perfectly. Thus, resentment will not arise if:

1. Do not build unrealistic expectations about another person - then you will not have to make mistakes in anticipating his behavior.

2. Refuse to evaluate the behavior of another.

3. Don't associate satisfaction, joy and overall well-being with the behavior of another.

Attempts to understand another person, his motives, emotions, desires, attitude towards you will help you "justify" the offender and eventually forgive him.

About the expert

Nadezhda Pylaeva — consultant psychologist, participant of the Stop Violence project. Her page.

Photo source: Getty Images

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Mikhail Labkovsky on how to deal with resentment, feelings of injustice and self-pity

Society

How to stop being offended by a partner? Why don't we leave relationships that don't satisfy us? Why is it impossible to forget about friends because of love? The answers to these questions were given by the most media psychologist in Russia, Mikhail Labkovsky.

About mutual bestowal in relationships

If you go out with a girl, then you need to understand that you are doing this for yourself. You like her, you have a good time together, that's the end of the story. How to behave further is already her business, your business to walk. Why do you think it's unfair if she had no idea that there should be something after?

You can put the question differently: if you give everything to her, and she can't even cut a salad, then why are you walking with her? You don't get what you need, so where do you put your need? This is not a joke. We do not choose parents, but we are free to change partners.

You can meet a girl and say, "I want you to make me a salad later." She will answer: "I thought it was sex." And if your expectations and needs do not match, you can stop going out with this girl.

You must understand an important thing: we all come up with a reason why we are offended, feel sorry for ourselves, or feel a sense of injustice. It's not about the girl. This feeling settles in early childhood, and a girl is needed to get it out.

We all come up with a reason why we feel offended, feel sorry for ourselves or feel unfair

We have a need for these experiences. I myself was like that. There is such a concept in psychiatry "psychologization of the problem." For example, a person thumps. To the question "Why", he replies: "My friend died." Question: does everyone whose friends die start to thump? No. And it would seem that the reason is worthy. It seems to you that you have a feeling of injustice due to the fact that you give yourself completely, and it is difficult for her to even cut a salad, but in fact this is not so.

For example, I don't know how to drive a car, my friends often came to pick me up. But when they didn't, I got offended. Then I recovered and realized that they did not owe me anything. The opportunity to be offended can be found everywhere - I could not even talk to a person if he refused to take me somewhere. So my advice is, if you don't like something, you say, "If it happens again, I'll leave." And if the problem is not solved, then end the relationship.

Resentment against a partner for infidelity

Who forces people to stay together? It often happens with us, as in a joke. A couple of 90 years old comes to the registry office to get a divorce, and they are told: “Why are you here now? You would have divorced 40 years ago.” They answer: “Yes, it was a pity for the children. Waiting for them to die."

How to live in harmony with yourself without resentment? Take responsibility and say, “This is my choice. I knew my husband was cheating on me. But, since the fear of being alone overpowered, there are no guilty ones. He changed, I found out. But what to do next with it is my choice.” No need to be offended by anyone, you need to solve the problem of fear of loneliness.

Loneliness is not a phone that is silent, but a lack of interest in oneself. If a child does not know how to entertain himself, he needs to be developed so that in old age he does not say: “I am afraid to be alone. ” This fear is connected only with the fact that a person is bored with himself.

How to deal with resentment

One must be able to negotiate with oneself. Some people may need more time for this, some less - it depends on emotionality. But if you cannot cope with resentment for a very long time, then you definitely need to go to a psychologist.

You also need to be able to take responsibility: for example, to admit that it is only your choice to continue to communicate with a person who offends. If you accept it, you will let it go much faster.

I will give as an example the story that Armen Dzhigarkhanyan told: “I am sitting in a restaurant with a friend, a thief. He has 26 guards on the street. And in the next room, someone is playing a wedding. And now some drunken men come up to my friend and say: “Listen, you should leave. You spoil the whole wedding for us, you just smell of mothballs and the grave. I already climbed under the table, I thought that now they would shoot everyone. And he said: "Armen, let's get out of here. Let's not interfere with the young." Strong people with high self-esteem don't get offended.

Strong people with high self-esteem don't get offended

I don't have very high self-esteem, I don't like to read unpleasant things about myself. But they write! What I did? When I worked for Ekho Moskvy, I read all the angry comments aloud. You have to learn not to react, you can work with it.

You need to stop looking for a reason to be offended. Once I was sitting in a restaurant with my daughter, the waiter is gone for 10 minutes, I start yelling. My daughter says to me: “Dad, he is not trying to harm you, life does not revolve around you. It just doesn't work well. Nothing personal".

Mikhail Labkovsky talks about how not to be torn between work and family. And do not start to hate yourself

How to deal with resentment towards a partner who left you

There is no such thing as everything was fine, and then suddenly a person left with the words: “I never loved you. ” This is complete nonsense. It happens that a person does not want to notice that they really do not like him and live by their own rules. I do not believe that they lived in perfect harmony, and then suddenly it turned out that one did not love. This even applies to situations where it is said that a person has fallen in love with someone. He, in order to fall in love with someone, must first stop loving you. Therefore, you just need to think about what you missed in the relationship, and again - take responsibility and agree with yourself.

Why do people forget friends when they get into a relationship

Healthy people choose themselves, but neurotics choose relationships, their problem is that the other person is more important to them than themselves. They cling and hold on to partners. So do those men and women who lacked parents in childhood.

About the resentment of children against their parents because of the divorce

A child should not interfere in the life of adults.

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