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How do borderlines feel after a breakup


Recovering from BPD Breakup: Moving Forward

Ending a relationship can be difficult and challenging for anyone, but it can be especially difficult for individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) to move through a break up. BPD is a mental health condition characterized by unstable relationships, intense emotions, and impulsive behavior, and these challenges can make it difficult to cope with the end of a relationship.

Navigating the challenges of ending a relationship can feel confusing and isolating for some individuals with BPD. Moving on can look different for you than your friends or people around you and that is OK. Today we will share some tips to help validate and navigate your experience with ending a relationship in this experience. Though BPD diagnoses are more prevalent for women/females, this information can be useful to help understand how this can affect how you or your partner think and navigate a relationship.

If you find yourself having more questions or wanting more support, see how the programs offered at THIRA Health can help you find support, closure and acceptance and move on in a happy, healthy and positive way.

What’s the BPD Breakup Cycle?

The BPD breakup cycle, while not an official term, describes how some common characteristics of borderline personality disorder present themselves in a relationship. Many people diagnosed with BPD view the world in black and white, with high highs, low lows. They often exhibit impulsive tendencies and difficulty maintaining emotional stability, releasing control, and accepting emotions. These traits can cause some strain and difficulty navigating a romantic or intimate relationship.

So, what exactly does the BPD break up cycle look like?

It can look like fear of abandonment, distrust of a partner, cheating, lack of communication and self-blame. It can look like idolizing a partner, confusing strong emotions for passion, anxiety and overreacting to interactions perceived as negative. The stages of the break up cycle can make processing emotions, identifying problem behaviors and utilizing positive coping skills difficult for the individual with BPD. Thus, the cycle will continue; whether with the same partner or a new one. One study found that a majority of couples in which the woman suffered from BPD (68.7%) experienced frequent episodes of breaking up and reconciling and, during an 18-month period, about 30% of these couples permanently ended their relationships.

The Stages of the BPD Cycle

Many mental health professionals have identified significant stages that are common experiences people diagnosed with BPD experience when their symptoms present themselves in romantic relationships. The most common break down of this process is outlined in 6 stages:

Stage 1: In the beginning phase of a new relationship, the individual with BPD experiences a “high high” and tends to romanticize the relationship and idolize their partner. They may be overly attentive and affectionate, and may go to great lengths to please their partner.

Stage 2: As the relationship progresses, the individual with BPD can experience insecurities and doubts in the relationship that sound like: “do they love me?” “do they want me?” “do I care more than they do?” Questions like these leave the door open for trust issues, fear of abandonment and sensitivity to conflict or negative interactions with their partner.

Stage 3: in this stage, the individual may push away their partners to test them and have them prove their love. If their partner does “pass the test,” the individual may experience a decrease in anxiety. This can look like accusing them of cheating, picking fights or ignoring their partner and waiting for them to approach the problem. The idealized version of their partner is replaced with one riddled with flaws or disappointments. They may become critical and judgmental, and may withdraw their affection and attention.

Stage 4: Instability and insecurities continue to grow, causing tensions to rise. This can result in conflict and turbulence in relationships, distancing, increased levels of anxiety and loneliness.

Stage 5: In this stage, the relationship begins to break down as both parties tend to feel the pressure and impact of the highs and lows of BPD. Typically, the partner that does not have BPD will end the relationship due to being exhausted by the cycle and overwhelmed. The individual with BPD may make promises to change, apologies and attempt to save the relationship.

Conversely, the individual with BPD may end the relationship abruptly and without warning. They may state that their partner is not meeting their needs or is not worth their time, and may move on to a new relationship without looking back.

Stage 6: In this stage, the relationship is over. The individual with BPD tends to blame themselves for the breakup and may experience an increase in depression, anxiety, anger and self-harming behaviors. The ending of this relationship tends to inaccurately reinforce this individual’s abandonment issues, but they likely will not take responsibility or understand how their behavior ultimately led to the relationship ending.

Dealing with a Breakup with BPD

Here are a few strategies that may be helpful for recovering from a relationship when you have BPD:

  1. Seek support: It can be helpful to talk to friends, family, or a mental health professional about your feelings and experiences. They can offer you a safe, nonjudgmental space to process your emotions and help you cope with the end of the relationship.
  2. Practice self-care: Engaging in activities that nourish your physical and emotional well-being can help you recover from the end of a relationship. This might include taking care of your physical health through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep, as well as participating in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
  3. Engage in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills: DBT is a type of therapy that was specifically developed to treat individuals with BPD, and it can be helpful in recovering from a relationship. DBT skills such as mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance can help you manage your emotions and behaviors in healthy ways.
  4. Focus on your values and goals: After the end of a relationship, it can be helpful to reflect on your values and goals and think about what you want for your future. This can help give you a sense of direction and purpose as you move forward.
  5. Take time to grieve: It is normal to experience feelings of grief and loss after the end of a relationship, and it is important to allow yourself to feel and process these emotions. It can be helpful to give yourself permission to take time to grieve, but also to try to find healthy ways to cope with your feelings, such as through therapy or self-care activities.

You, Your Partner & BPD

Recovering from the end of a relationship can be difficult, but it is possible to find healing and move forward. It is important to seek support and find healthy coping strategies to help you navigate this challenging time.

The good news is that many individuals with BPD do find success in relationships. Understanding the cycle and identifying how your BPD affects your relationship can help you recognize your actions and better understand how to navigate your relationship with this diagnosis. Understanding and nurturing your mental health will help make it possible to develop genuine interpersonal and romantic relationships.

At THIRA Health, we can help you process these emotions, recognize the symptoms, break the BPD cycle and enter relationships with confidence and security.

7 Stages of a BPD Relationship

Relationship dynamics where one partner has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be extremely challenging for both individuals involved. But it can be made a lot easier by becoming aware of the stages of a BPD relationship. Knowledge is always your greatest asset when managing any kind of mental health issue. The more you know, the more empowered you become to make informed and constructive decisions both for yourself and the individual suffering from the disorder. This, in turn lessens the likelihood of you experiencing a chaotic relationship.

The Challenges of the BPD Relationship Cycle

One of the biggest issues couples face in a BPD relationship is the ongoing turbulence arising from the frequency and intensity of the emotional needs of the borderline. This can be made all the more difficult if one of the partners involved isn’t aware of the condition. Or, even worse if both individuals aren’t aware, as there hasn’t been a proper diagnosis, yet. This is one reason why BPD relationships are so complicated. It’s the lack of knowledge, disclosure, and transparency. But even then, it can be difficult navigating the ups and downs of the ongoing borderline relationship cycle. One which can send both halves of the couple round in circles, repeating the same dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, all while thinking, ‘love shouldn’t be this exhausting.’

The 7 Stages of the BPD Relationship Cycle

The main theme of the BPD relationship cycle is the classic push and pull. It’s this pattern that tends to play out in most occurrences of the condition, although you should be aware there are 4 types of BPD each with their own unique traits. Most individuals with BPD will find themselves oscillating between being open, loving, kind and generous to then rejecting their partner with malicious and spiteful behaviour in an attempt to have them meet their emotional needs.

First Stage of a BPD Relationship: Attraction

This is undoubtedly the most pleasant stage of the relationship. You could even call it the honeymoon phase. It’ll appear like there are a lot of interests, and the BPD partner may even display similar mannerisms to their lover – mirroring them. They’ll be a strong attraction, but the qualities the partner is often attracted to are those being mirrored back at them. It may feel like a true soul mate connection for a while. This phase may last from several weeks up to 6 months.

Second Stage of a BPD Relationship: Obsessive Neediness

This stage is where the tone of the relationship begins to shift to more dysfunctional tendencies. The BPD sufferer may start to become irritable and nit-pick over anything they perceive as negative behaviour aimed at them. This also marks the beginning of the neediness phase and fear of abandonment. If their partner doesn’t immediately respond to calls and texts, the low self-esteem of the borderline may convince them they aren’t loved.

Third Stage of a BPD Relationship: Withdrawing and Withholding

From this stage in the relationship, the borderline might start the process of withdrawing and withholding. This is a strategy intended to get their partner to invest more heavily in their emotional needs if they aren’t being met to the standards they expect. They can instigate ‘arguments’ to get their partner to fight for the relationship and in effect fight for them. This is all in an effort to help the borderline to feel more regulated and secure in themselves.

Fourth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Escalating Devaluation

This stage can see things worsen if the borderline doesn’t receive the desired attention. And here, it can see them truly begin to enter into panic mode, as the lack of validation heavily triggers their abandonment wounding. The fights and devaluation can increase quite dramatically in frequency and intensity. This can then lead to the BPD sufferer completely devaluing their partner, gaslighting and falling into a victimised ego. These instances can often come out of nowhere and is a big reason why a lot of BPD relationships fail.

Fifth Stage of a BPD Relationship: “The Break Up”

After things have escalated to the point that there’s nowhere else for the borderline to go, they’ll either announce that they’re breaking up with their partner or else simply leave unannounced. Again, this can appear to happen seemingly out of nowhere. And this may be due to their emotional needs being met elsewhere – perhaps with a favourite person. This stage of the relationship is when they’ll start to accuse their partner of being the one who has a disorder and/or dysfunctional behaviour.

Sixth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Return and “Repair”

From here, it’s entirely possible if it’s a new relationship that they’ll be some kind of reconciliation. The borderline might return, and the partner – wanting their lover back – will look at themselves, take on the blame and promise to meet their emotional needs that they weren’t doing before. Behaviours and triggering may regulate within the dynamic for a while. There might be another honeymoon period. Although it’ll be much shorter than during the initial attraction phase.

Seventh Stage of a BPD Relationship: The Cycle Repeats

The final stage is the beginning of a new cycle. And it’s important to note, that each case of BPD is unique. There’s no absolute for how each one plays out. The same is true of cycles within a BPD relationship. Once the initial breakup has happened, it’s not uncommon for the situation to become much more volatile in some cases. There can be more consistent triggers, gaslighting attempts, manipulation and emotional outbursts. BPD relationships will always work in some form of cycle. But in successful BPD relationships, both partners learn how to manage them.

The 7 Stages of Healing During Recovery from BPD

Living with a diagnosis of BPD might appear to be overwhelming. But there is a great deal of therapeutic support available through modalities such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) and Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP). BPD as a condition has also gained significant attention online with a lot of personal stories of recovery shared on blogs that can help you understand the condition better.

Also, because of the highly empathic nature and emotional transparency of many individuals who suffer from BPD, it makes recovery much ‘easier’ than with other personality disorders – because of the capacity for emotional discernment. Although the stages of healing BPD might not be apparent at first, with time spent in reflection, they do become clearer. Here’s an outline of some of the main stages of healing during BPD recovery, although they can differ from person to person.

BPD Recovery Stage 1: Denial 

Most healing journeys begin with the inevitable denial that there isn’t anything wrong. This is a natural defence mechanism for many people as no one really wants to believe they’re damaged in any way. This might involve trying to justify many of the toxic relationships of their past and other life choices. It can be very uncomfortable being presented with the fact that your past behaviour has actually been quite harmful to those around you.

BPD Recovery Stage 2: Confusion 

After spending so long living with the dysfunctional behaviour and seeing themselves re-experiencing the same patterns, it can create a narrative about why other people don’t seem as conflicted as they are, and that maybe there might be something wrong with them. This phase could be where they’re introduced to the idea of BPD, but because of the memory gaps caused by dissociation, it can still be hard to get a full grasp on their situation, resulting in confusion.

BPD Recovery Stage 3: Resistance

As the BPD individual learns more about their condition and the nature of gaps in their memory caused by dissociation, they go through the phase of resistance. They’re being asked to accept responsibility for a condition, which is rooted in high-risk behaviour and other uncomfortable patterns. For the person with BPD, this can be extremely triggering and cause them to enter into a state of trauma and possibly leading to dissociation as a way of coping, given it’s what they know best.

BPD Recovery Stage 4: Anger 

Once it reaches the point where the diagnosis can no longer be resisted, this can lead to emotional outbursts. During this phase, episodes of anger are common within the borderline. And as with dissociation, it can become a coping mechanism because it’s a safe and known behaviour. Even though it’s dysfunctional, it’s familiar and therefore represents safety to them. However, these outbursts can lead to increased isolation from their support network, which can also activate their abandonment wounding.

BPD Recovery Stage 5: Depression 

This can then lead to the stage of ‘soul searching,’ and deep introspection. As the emotional outbursts of anger have potentially led to further isolation, this can result in a profound sense of sadness over the difficulty maintaining their relationships and missed opportunities in their life. It can also lead to suicide ideation. How long this period lasts will depend on the intensity of the condition and the individual’s capacity to move through enough of the self-forgiveness process to get to a place of acceptance.

BPD Recovery Stage 6: Acceptance 

By this point, the person with BPD is now becoming more aware of the overall picture of their condition and can hold what it means for them in their mind without experiencing as much dissociation or anger. The diagnosis of the condition no longer feels like a burden, affliction or an attack on their character, but instead comes as a relief. It now appears as the answer to their problems and represents a way for them to go through their healing process and become a whole new better version of themselves.

BPD Recovery Stage 7: Therapy 

In some ways, everything up to this point has been part of the preliminary stage of healing. Once the BPD individual enters into a therapeutic setting, they can now begin the process of learning effective coping strategies to help reduce the frequency and intensity with which they feel stress in their lives. They can also learn of the impact their condition has had on the lives of those around them, so can make better life choices in the future. The hope is that from here they can make a full recovery, or at the least become someone with high functioning BPD in the short term while they take that journey towards making a full recovery.

Supporting a Partner with BPD During the Relationship Cycle

The inability to maintain relationships for the borderline is one of the fundamental reasons why their life can be so challenging. But that doesn’t mean a relationship with someone who has BPD is a bad thing. And with the right awareness, it is possible to provide effective emotional support that doesn’t enable their behaviours. The best way you can support both your partner and yourself within a BPD dynamic is by opening a clear line of communication. If you can have honest and open conversations about their patterns and know what stages of their cycle look like, that awareness will make things easier. Being able to recognise when your borderline partner is projecting their insecurities will make it easier on your nervous system and prevent you from also getting triggered. This then, enables you to have the presence of mind to reflect back at them what they’re going through. For example, if it’s their abandonment wounding, you could create constructive phrases that support them in their trauma rather than enabling the behaviour by fulfilling the role they expect of you. The hope is that you can create high functioning BPD relationship that’s supportive of your partner while they go through their healing process.

Frequently Asked Questions About Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder is an often misunderstood mental health condition with it having similarities to other disorders such as disorganised attachment and narcissism. Here are some of the most commonly asked questions.

How Do Borderlines Handle Relationships?

Typically, within a relationship dynamic where BPD is present, there’ll be an almost overwhelming emphasis on the needs of the person with borderline being met. When this doesn’t happen, it can often lead to mood swings, angry outbursts, devaluation of their partner, feelings of chronic abandonment and impulsive/irrational behaviours.

Do Those Suffering from BPD’s Regret Breaking Up?

Although BPD personalities initiate a break-up as a way of seeking validation, because of the intense anxiety at play, they’ll often express intense regret because of their abandonment wounding, especially if they’re not met with the response they desire. This will cause them to try and repair things to help alleviate their anxiety.

Why Do Those With BPD End Relationships?

Borderlines will usually end relationships as a form of seeking validation from their partner. The general pattern of BPD behaviour after a break-up sees them waiting for their partner to reach out to them to have their emotional needs met. When this happens, it puts the borderline in control of the relational dynamic and able to set the terms of the reconnection.

Why Do BPD Relationships Not Work?

Relationships with people who have BPD often don’t work – especially when they’re undiagnosed – because the supporting partner simply has no reference point for the dysfunctional behaviours at play and where there’s no awareness, there can’t be any compassion. And so, over time, they end up getting worn down, exhausted and having to leave.

What’s the Average Length of BPD Relationship?

Results found in a 2014 study found the average length of a BPD relationship between those who either married or living together as partners was 7. 3 years. However, there are cases where couples can stay together for 20+ years. There’s also a lot of anecdotal evidence from other people’s experiences that suggest 2-4 years is more common. So, if you want to know how long your relationships might last if you have BPD, it really does depend on the intensity of your condition.

Help for people with borderline personality disorder //Psychological newspaper

Psychologists and psychotherapists are often approached by people who, in the process of psychodiagnostics and initial interviews, have borderline personality disorder or "emotionally unstable personality disorder" according to ICD-10. What are its signs? How is life for people with page personality disorder? What do experts think about healing? What self-help techniques can people with BPD use in difficult situations? I will talk about this in the article.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a group of personality disorders characterized by self-injurious behavior and difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Some people characterize BPD as "the apocalypse."

I highlight such signs of BPD as: constant anxiety, people with BPD may be anxious because of the crises that accompany their lives, changing events. Often there is an alarming suspiciousness in connection with the state of health. Anxiety leads to psychosomatic illnesses, which reinforces the "vicious circle" - going to the doctors. Anxiety is associated with fear in the lives of people with BPD. A lot of things can scare them, these are new relationships, and intimacy, and parting, and other situations. Numerous spheres of life of people with BPD are “saturated” with fear, as in children aged 3-5 years, who are prone to various fears and anxieties. Especially fear and suspicion can increase in situations of stress. People with BPD have low self-esteem. It is as if a constant critic, distinguished by self-criticism, “sits” inside, and self-doubt and doubts are born from this.

It is worth noting that it is difficult for people with BPD to answer the question: “who am I?”, “What do I want?”, The so-called diffuse identity manifests itself, where there are no strong goals, values ​​and beliefs. When there is a series of events associated with parting with a loved one, with failures in work or in the sphere of relationships with others, which is typical for people with BPD due to emotional instability, emotional or mental pain arises - it resembles an uncomfortable feeling inside, close to despair. People with BPD may have problems controlling their emotions, which manifests itself in uncontrollable anger and anger, chronic conflicts with others. It is very difficult for them to be in a relationship with one partner for a long time, therefore, changes often occur in relationships, even some chaos, the search for more and more new partners.

People with BPD tend to change jobs frequently. The work book is literally teeming with notes about various organizations in which I had to work. As a result, they may face certain difficulties in finding employment in the future. The litmus test for BPD in people's behavior is self-harm and suicide. At the same time, self-harm can manifest itself in different ways, from suicidal attempts to masochistic tendencies in behavior, when people with BPD want the other person to scold, offend, hurt. For some people with BPD, various kinds of addictions are characteristic, for example, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, Internet addiction. People with BPD are characterized by unreasonable spending of money, risky driving, and promiscuity. Often, after traumatic events, there may be problems with sleep, nightmares, obsessive thoughts about unpleasant situations, memories that disturb and do not allow you to live in peace. In general, the signs of BPD are characterized by polymorphism, and behavioral patterns - by a variety of manifestations.

You can describe borderline personality disorder with the word: INSTABILITY, where:

N - hate. People with BPD are characterized by a feeling of hatred as a long, intense, negative feeling, reflecting disgust, hostility, rejection of someone.
E - Yeralash. Characterized by disorder, confusion, confusion. Chaotic interpersonal, incl. intimate relationships, lack of structure.
C - Self harm. Among people with BPD, there are suicide attempts, cutting, poisoning, self-harm with the help of other people in interpersonal relationships, self-infliction of pain.
T - Spending. Unreasonable spending of money on unnecessary purchases, unreasonable expenditure of effort.
A - Ambivalence. Opposite feelings in a short amount of time. For example, love and hate.
B - Pain. Characterized by mental pain with repeated unsuccessful attempts, for example, in building interpersonal relationships, employment, etc.
I - Idealization. The tendency to idealize other people and depreciate them after a short period of time.
L - Lie. People with BPD are prone to deceit, lies, embellishment of reality.
N - Troubles. People with BPD often find themselves in conflict situations, quarrels, unfriendly relationships.
Oh - emptiness. People with BPD often feel empty inside, lack of interest.
S - Boredom. A feeling of boredom, a decrease in activity, a lack of prolonged interest in any activity, the world around and other people are characteristic.
T - Branding, branding. They often brand themselves. After hospitalization in a hospital, they feel the stigma of the mentally ill, acutely experience such a state, and isolate themselves.
INSTABILITY characterizes the lives of people with BPD, these are interpersonal relationships, and situations related to employment, and mood, and behavior in general.

Expert opinions on borderline personality disorder

Anton Yezhov, PhD in Psychiatry. Institute of Neurology, Psychiatry and Narcology of the Academy of Sciences of Ukraine, Kharkiv, full member of the Russian Psychotherapeutic Association, certified and accredited by the Moscow Gestalt Institute (according to the standards of the European Association of Gestalt Therapists).

- Anton Vladimirovich, what is borderline personality disorder?

- In ICD-10: F60.3 it is “Emotionally labile personality disorder. Impulsive and borderline type. With borderline character disorder ( BPD), patients generally test reality, however, during diagnosis, there may be a slight distortion in the description of events occurring with the patient, as a result of a poorly developed ability for reflection, mentalization, the impact of strong affects and primitive defenses on cognitive processes. In some cases, there may be quasi-psychotic episodes in the form of short paranoid reactions, usually provoked by any dual and uncertain situation, as well as episodes of dissociation. But, as a rule, all these phenomena do not develop into stable delusional and hallucinatory symptoms. Patients with PPH also have a rather high suicidal risk, but the main motive is most often a demonstrative protest, jealousy, a desire to “punish” a partner and make him feel guilty. In PPH, rage, hatred, resentment dominate in suicidal behavior. Auto-aggressive actions are usually performed impulsively, at the peak of affect, often in a demonstrative style.

- How can BPD be corrected?

- In the therapy of CPH, the pathogenetic is long-term psychotherapy focused on the client-therapeutic relationship - this is the main type of treatment! Pharmacotherapy acts as a maintenance therapy. Drugs in the treatment of BPH include selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, low dose antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. The general approach in the pharmacotherapy of BPH is to reduce the unnecessary use of medications (!), medicating the target symptoms with an understanding of pharmacodynamics.

Irina Mlodik, Ph.D. in Psychology, psychologist, Gestalt therapist, existential psychotherapist, author of books and articles on child and adult practical psychology, author's training courses.

- Irina Yurievna, please tell me, is it possible to recover from borderline personality disorder?

- About the treatment: it's hard to say. I do not have a psychiatric, not a medical position on this matter. I believe that in each of us there can be a borderline arranged and borderline functioning part. In that sense, there's no cure for the way you're made. One can only reduce the consequences of border effects. Including and mainly with the help of high-quality and long-term, for example, humanistically oriented or analytical psychotherapy. Long-term and regular therapy creates a special type of relationship with the therapist, which allows, being in high-quality and constant contact: to live through many difficult and not processed by the psyche affects from childhood, to create and maintain with the help of therapeutic contact an important, permanent, uninterrupted connection with the therapist (which there was almost certainly no person with BPD), who becomes an important “adult” in the life of a “border guard” who can be relied upon. Subsequently, from relying on the connection and the figure of the therapist, inside and the person with BPD, other relationships grow both inside themselves (to their internal objects) and outside, they have the opportunity to maintain closeness not only with the therapist, but also with other people and build with them a long-term relationship. Affects become rarer, not so amplitude, endurable. There is an opportunity to know one’s own painful places better, take care of oneself more, be less exposed to destructive relationships and processes, better understand one’s reactions, features and manifestations, learn to treat oneself like this in the world of people, sometimes explaining to them one’s own characteristics and properties.

Advice for People with BPD to Use in a Crisis

Calming an emotional storm

Stop fighting, avoiding, repressing, or denying what you are feeling. Give yourself permission to feel, this will take away the power of feelings over you. Try to simply experience your feelings without judgment or criticism.

Awareness

Let go of the past and the future, focus solely on the present moment. Mindfulness techniques can be very effective in this regard.
• Start by observing your emotions, step back and just observe them.
• Watch them come and go (it can help to think of them as waves that come and go).
• Focus on physical sensations that are accompanied by emotions.
• Tell yourself that you accept your emotions, accept what you feel right now.
• Remind yourself that just because you feel something doesn't mean it's real.

Do something to change your bad feelings

You will need to experiment to find out what works best for you. What can help when you are angry or have very strong feelings, when you are depressed, etc.

Some ideas for working on yourself

Tactile sensations . Try running your hand in cold or hot (but not scalding) water; hold a piece of ice in your hand; grab the edge of the piece of furniture as hard as you can. If you're feeling anxious and need to calm down, try taking a hot bath or shower; cover yourself with a blanket or cuddle with a pet.

Taste . If you feel empty or bored inside, try putting strong flavored sweets or mints in your mouth, slowly eating something with an intense taste, such as something salty. If you want to calm down, try something calming like hot tea or soup.

Smell . Light a candle, smell the flowers, try aromatherapy, spritz on your favorite perfume, or smell something that smells good in the kitchen. You may find you respond best to strong odors such as citrus, spices, etc.

Landmark . Focus on an image that grabs your attention. It could be something in your immediate environment (a great view, a beautiful flower, the location of a building, a favorite painting or photo) or something you imagine.

Sound . Try listening to loud music or a bell or whistle when you need a boost. To calm down, play soothing music or listen to soothing sounds of nature such as the wind, birds, or the ocean. The sound of a car can help a lot if you can't hear something more real.

Need to reduce emotional vulnerability

You are more likely to experience negative emotions when you are stressed. That is why it is very important to take care of your physical and mental well-being.

Take care of yourself :

  • Avoid drugs.
  • Eat a balanced, nutritious diet.
  • Sleep well and rest.
  • Practice self-help skills regularly.
  • Minimize stressful situations.
  • Practice relaxation techniques.

Basic methods of psychotherapy for BPD

  1. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).
  2. Schematic (schematic) therapy.
  3. Psychotherapy based on mentalization (MBT).
  4. Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP) is a psychotherapy focused on the analysis of transference.

Borderline personality disorder is not a sentence. Change is possible if there is a desire to change and improve the quality of life. I hope this article has helped you better understand the structure and manifestations of BPD, as well as approaches to psychotherapeutic treatment and self-help methods in a difficult situation.

90,000 Living with borderline personality disorder. Reader's story

My story

Text author: Zlatislava Zakurdaeva
Illustrator: Rita Levkoy

We are surrounded by thousands of people, and each person has his own story. Today we will bring up the topic of BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. Many people often treat this with incomprehension and cannot even imagine how much it can hurt a person. The girl Ilze, who a couple of years ago discovered the symptoms of this disease, shared her story.

Borderline personality disorder is considered a subtype of emotionally unstable personality disorder.

“BDPs are not just complex people. There are many problems, traumas, thoughts, emotions behind this. We do this not because we hate everyone around us, but because we hate ourselves and want to be understood and loved. BPD includes self-harm, eating disorders, unstable interpersonal relationships, aggression, impulsivity, risky behavior, alcohol, drug, drug abuse, suicidal thoughts and actions, a sense of unreality of oneself and what is happening around, - shares Ilze.

BPD often goes hand in hand with some other disorder, such as eating disorder (eating disorder), bipolar disorder, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), depression, and others. It should be understood that people with BPD are very vulnerable, they should be treated with understanding. Sometimes they can be very harsh, but if you decide to respond in kind, you can literally destroy a person. We all get hurt, but people with BPD will experience this condition much more deeply, which can lead to self-harm, alcoholism, or even drug use. It is worth remembering that our future depends on how people in society treat each other.

How Ilze realized that she had BPD

“I think if it weren’t for my curiosity about psychiatry and psychology, I would hardly have known about BPD, because this diagnosis is not discussed as often as RPD, depression and PTSD. I read and watched a lot of different materials about personality disorders and how they manifest themselves. And when I began to read about BPD, I began to recognize myself in almost every paragraph. Before that, I did not understand what was happening to me, because then I already had a diagnosis - recurrent depressive disorder, but I knew that this was not only it. I started to study BPD more and more. At that time, I went to a psychologist, and she agreed with my guesses. Then, at an informal meeting of four psychiatrists, I was diagnosed with BPD. I was glad that I finally found out what was happening to me, but I understood that it was serious, and that I had to live with it all my life.

I was glad that I finally found out what was happening to me, but I understood that it was serious and that I had to live with it all my life

How the girl’s relatives and friends reacted to the diagnosis to all mom. She explained how it works, gave examples of my behavior from childhood. From early childhood, I did not want to go to kindergarten, and it was very difficult for me to get up in the morning, so I was dressed and taken in a stroller. At school, I often could not study: I ​​did not see the point in this. I also had bouts of aggression towards my classmates. At home, I often locked myself in my room and cut my legs. As a child, I was too much controlled and not allowed to become independent when it should have happened. Because of this, I screamed a lot and argued with my parents.

Of course, the situation in the family was also not the best. My father was very ill, and he most likely also had BPD. At home, I was often in fear and in an unstable state, which greatly affected my mental health in the future. Mom already knew that I had depression since 2016, so she was understanding. I am very glad that she supports me and during my exacerbation comes to me, brings food, helps with cleaning and pulls me out into the street.

I actually have no friends. Those who stayed know about my illness, but I stopped contacting many of them precisely because of it. Some, of course, devalued my problem and said: "Just get a job, go in for sports" , "You thought of everything, you want to attract attention" I try not to contact such people.

At the moment the girl lives alone.

Did Ilze feel better when she began to live alone and what difficulties did she face

“I left my parents at 16 and then went into isolation. everything that was forbidden to me.I finished my 2nd year in college and left it because I no longer saw the point and future in my chosen profession.Of course, it became much easier to live alone, because I didn’t have to constantly contact people, especially during periods when everything is annoying and you want to isolate yourself from everyone.But there was a frequent feeling of emptiness and loneliness due to lack of communication, which led to liquor, clubs and promiscuous sex in order to get a dose of attention and the illusion of necessity.

Now I try to cope without it by talking a lot on the Internet and walking with my mother. Dependencies are constantly changing. First it can be alcohol, then overeating and bulimia, and then self-mutilation, and so on. At the moment, I just don't want to drink because my head is full of thoughts about food. I do not deny that I will return to the bottle again, because sometimes it is very difficult to control, and especially without psychotherapy.

Dependencies are constantly changing. First it can be alcohol, then overeating and bulimia, and then self-mutilation, and so on in a circle

Ilze's private life. Is it difficult to build relationships?

“I had a relationship. In them, I was an abuser, without realizing it. I'm terribly sorry about this, but I'm glad I was able to admit it and make amends. I am still working on this to this day. The relationship was very toxic, I was very dependent on my partner. I lived only to wait for her from work, and nothing else . There were a lot of manipulations and provocations on my part. It is very difficult to respond to this with understanding, despite the fact that at that time I did not yet know about my BPD. The breakup was very hard. Then all my symptoms worsened, and especially the depressive state. Now I try to be non-toxic and show by example that this is possible!”

How does a person with BPD feel?

“People often don't understand how they can be offended by something they think is harmless. If a person himself is not interested in making the interlocutor comfortable, then I think that then it is better not to communicate at all, because such communication can only make things worse and lead to even more destructive actions. To make it easier to live with BPD, you definitely need psychotherapy. Namely: CBT, DBT (designed specifically for BPD), a therapy regimen,” shares Ilze.

Sometimes we don't even realize how much we can hurt a person. Indeed, sometimes it is difficult to be tactful, gentle and understanding person, but this can be learned. Unfortunately, people like Ilze have been discriminated against in society for several centuries. You should not look at a person through the prism of his diagnosis, in front of you in the first place people . We all need to learn to treat each other with understanding, and learn to forgive.

Message to the reader

“If you suspect BPD, be sure to contact a specialist. You must be helped! I advise you to read the book “I hate you, just don’t leave me” (J. Kreisman). This book explains well what BPD is, how it appears and manifests itself, how to communicate with “borderline” people and how to help yourself. You are not alone, and having mental disorders is not a sentence, and it is not a shame. Only by joint efforts can we overcome stigma and discrimination against people with mental disorders.”

Ilse's life story is really tragic and makes you think a lot. We have only heard of one person with BPD, but there are thousands of such people.

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