Forgive an affair

After the Affair - How to Forgive, and Heal a Relationship From Infidelity

by Karen Young

846,073

VIEWS

Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. None of them good ones. It happens because of ego or stupidity or breakage. Or because of smugness or ignorance or a widening ache or an emptiness or the need to know ‘what else is there’. It happens because of arrogance or a lack of self-control or because of that thing in all of us that wants to feel adored or heroic or important or powerful or as though we matter. It happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity for this to happen is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation and it’s exciting and it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret and as though it won’t’ do any damage at all.

It happens because of lies, the big ones, the ones we tell ourselves – ‘it won’t mean anything’, ‘nobody will know’, ‘it won’t do any harm’. It happens because there is a moment that starts it all. One small, stupid, opportunistic moment that changes everything, but acts as though it will change nothing. A moment where there’s an almighty collision between the real world with its real love and real people and real problems that all of us go through, and the world that is forbidden and exciting and hypnotic with promises. And all the while these worlds, they feel so separate, but they become tangled and woven, one into the other, and then that real world with its real love and its real people are never the same again.

Whatever the reason for an affair, the emotional toll on the people and the relationship is brutal. Infidelity steals the foundations on which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, safe place to be. It call everything into question – who we believe we are, what we believe we had, or were working towards, our capacity to love, to trust, and our faith in our judgement. It beats down self-esteem and a sense of place and belonging in the relationship for both people, but it doesn’t have to mean an end to the relationship.

Does infidelity mean a falling out of love?

Anything we humans are involved in is never black and white. The versions of grey can make good humans look like bad ones it can make love that is real feel dead for a while. Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. And most people who cheat aren’t cheaters. They aren’t liars and they aren’t betrayers and they aren’t bad. What they are is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.

Affairs often aren’t about people wanting to be in a different relationship, but about wanting the relationship they are in to be different. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind. These needs include validation, love, connection, affection, intimacy and nurturing – but there are plenty more. This is no excuse for an affair, but understanding what drove the affair is key to being able to move forward. It’s a critical part of healing the relationship and any repairing any breaks in the armour around you both that made it possible for someone else to walk through.

Does an affair mean the end of the relationship?

Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will tolerate the betrayal and although they might never thrive, they’ll stay intact. For some people this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable. For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people.

There are plenty of ways to hurt a relationship. Infidelity is just one of them.

Affairs cause devastating breakage in relationships, but they aren’t the only thing that can hurt a relationship. Sometimes an affair is a symptom of breakage, as much as a cause. There are plenty of other ways to hurt a relationship – withholding love, affection or approval, a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, and negativity, judgement, or criticism. All of us, even the most loving, committed devoted of us will do these things from time to time.

How does an affair happen?

There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expression of loss or loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection, or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance. They are the reasons we come together, fall in love and fight to stay in love. They are also the reason relationships fall apart.

We humans exist at our very best when we are connected with other humans, especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. The needs for human connection, intimacy, love, and validation are primal. They can be ignored, pushed down, or denied, but they will never disappear. These needs are so important, that if they remain unmet for too long, they will create a tear in the relationship wide enough for someone else to walk through and claim the opportunity to meet those needs that, when met, can fuel intimacy, desire, alchemy, and attraction.

When an important need remains unmet, there are two options – and only two. We can either let go of the need, or change the environment in which we’re attempting to meet the need. It will be this way for all of us. When the need is an important one, letting go won’t be an option. This will create a splintering in the relationship, and the very real temptation to change the environment, as in, find someone else to meet the need/s that we actually want met by our partners.

Affairs often aren’t about wanting the person who is the target of the affair, but about wanting the way that person meets a need. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love – the one they are hurting – to be the one to meet the need. But things don’t always happen the way we want. And needs get hungry and people get tempted.

When affairs happen, it’s likely that at least one of three things has happened for the person having the affair:

an awareness that ‘something’ is missing, without awareness of what that something is;
an awareness of exactly what is missing – an important need that has been hungry for too long – but a catastrophic lack of honesty and openness within the relationship about this;
repeated unsuccessful attempts to be honest and open about the existence of the unmet need, and repeated unsuccessful attempts to have it met within the relationship.

How to heal from an affair, together or apart.

For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people. If a relationship has been devastated by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both people believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back.

First of all, where do things stand.

Is the affair over? Or has it been scared into submission, just for now.

If the affair is still going, and you’re pretending to work on your relationship, just take your partner’s heart in your hand and squeeze it hard. It will hurt a lot less and it will do less damage to your relationship. If the affair is genuinely finished, the one who has been hurt will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while. Probably for a long while. This is why, for the person who had the affair, the privacy that was there before the affair (texts, phone calls, messages, emails, info about where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with), will be gone for a while. Some questions to explore together:

When did it end?
How did it end?
How do you know you won’t go back?
How do I believe that it’s over?
What if he or she gets in touch? What will you do?
What moves have you made to stop them contacting you?
You risked a lot for the affair to continue. What stopped the affair being worth the risk? What might make it worth the risk again?
I’m suspicious. I’m paranoid. I’m insecure. I’m scared. I don’t trust you. I never used to feel like this, but now I do. I want to trust you again and I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop checking and wondering and panicking when I can’t reach you, but I’m scared that if I stop, I’ll miss something. What can you do to help me feel safe again.

Is there genuine regret and remorse?

Healing can only begin when the person who has had the affair owns what has happened, and shows regret and remorse, not just for the damage and pain the affair has caused, but for starting the affair in the first place. What’s important is that there is a commitment to protecting the relationship above all else, and letting go of the affair.

Would you still regret having the affair it if it wasn’t discovered?
What do you regret about the affair?
How do you feel about it ending?
How do you feel about what it’s done to us and to me?
What was the story you told yourself to let the affair keep going?
Where does that story sit with you now?

Do you both genuinely want the relationship? And be honest.

Is there anything in this relationship that’s worth fighting for? Is there a chance of love and connection? Or will it only ever be one of convenience and a way to meet mutually shared goals, such as raising children. There are no right or wrong answers, but if one person is satisfied with a relationship of convenience and the other wants love and connection, the healing isn’t going to happen. What’s more likely to happen is that the relationship will be fertile ground for loneliness, resentment and bitterness, and it will stay vulnerable. For a relationship to work, the needs of each person have to be compatible. They don’t have to be the same, but they have to be compatible.

Do you genuinely want each other?

The truth is that sometimes, people outgrow relationships. We can’t meet everyone’s needs and sometimes, the relationship might no longer be able to meet the important needs of one or both of you. Sometimes letting go with love and strength is better than letting the relationship dies a slow, bitter death.

How to you feel about [the person you had the affair with]?
What do you miss?
How do you feel about me?
What did you miss?
What do you miss about me now?
What made the risk of losing me worth it?
What’s changed?
What is it about me that’s keeping you here?
What is it about us that’s worth fighting for?
How do you each about the relationship?
How do you feel about each other? Can either of you see that changing?
What is it about the relationship that’s worth fighting for?
What is it about each other that’s worth fighting for?

If the decision is to stay, how to forgive and move forward.

How did the affair become possible?

For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be an understanding of how both people may have contributed to the problem. What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all. What it’s doing is finding the space in which the relationship can grow. If both people are claiming to have done everything they could and the affair happened, then there’s no room for growth and the relationship will stay vulnerable.

Let your energy turn to an honest and open exploration of the motive behind the affair. This will probably hurt to hear, but it’s not about blame. It is about responsibility, as in response-ability – the ability to respond. There can’t be an empowered, effective response if there is no awareness around what drove the affair and what needs to change in the relationship.

The person who had the affair delivered the final blow, but it’s likely that there were things that lead up to the relationship becoming vulnerable. Healing will happen if both people can own their part in this. This doesn’t excuse the affair, but it will help it to make some sort of sense. Many hard conversations will need to happen.

If you were the one who was betrayed, you’ll be hurt and angry and scared, and you’ll have every right to feel that way. As much as you are able to, try to be open to hearing the information and make it safe to explore. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable.

Somewhere along the way, the person who had the affair and the person he or she had the affair with, had information about your relationship that you didn’t have. This was vital information that fuelled the affair, sustained it, and drained your relationship. They knew what the affair had that the relationship didn’t. This is the information you need to know for the relationship to get its power back.

If you were the one who had the affair, it’s critical to look with honesty, courage and an open heart, at what you were getting from the affair that you weren’t getting from your relationship. It’s not enough to fall back on insecurities or deficiencies or your own personal flaws as excuses. This doesn’t answer anything and it lacks the courage and commitment needed to start putting your relationship and the one you love, back together.

Explore together:

What did the affair give you that our relationship didn’t?
How did the affair make you feel that was different to the way you felt with me? More powerful? More noticed? Wanted? Loved? Desired? Nurtured? What was it?
Have you ever felt that way with me?
When did you stop feeling that way?
What changed?
What was the biggest difference between [the other person] and me?
What would you like me to do more of? Less of?
I know you want this relationship to work, but at the moment it’s not. What’s the biggest thing you need to be different. And then I’ll tell you mine.

Be honest. Can you meet the need? And do you want to?

When you can understand what drove the affair, you can look at whether that need/s can be met within your relationship. Sometimes it becomes a case of either not being able to meet the need, or resentment and hurt wiping out the desire to even try. Both people need to honestly look at what they want from the relationship and what they are able to give to the relationship moving forward.

Sometimes the distance between two people becomes so vast that it can’t be put back together. If that’s the case, acknowledge it and decide openly and with love and strength, whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Nothing is more painful than fighting to hold on to something that isn’t fighting to hold back. If this is the case, be honest. Relationships in which somebody has important needs that can’t be relinquished and that aren’t being met, will be unsustainable.

Moving forward, staying forgiven and getting close.

To the one who has had the affair: Now is your time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship.

As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over. Let me explain. Every time there is a gap in knowledge in your relationship – an unanswered text, a phone that is off or that goes through to voicemail, something that doesn’t make sense, not knowing where you are, being late home, not being where you said you would be – anything that can be associated with the affair or with the possibility that the affair is still continuing, can recreate the feelings associated with the betrayal. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. This will take time and it won’t be hurried.

If you’re the one who has had the affair, your job now is to help your partner to feel safe again. To do this, make sure there is 100% accountability for as long as it takes for your partner to know that there is nothing else more to find out. The privacy that was there before the affair is gone, and it will be gone for a while.

Know that for your partner, he or she he or she doesn’t want to be that person who doesn’t trust, and who is suspicious and paranoid – but that’s what affairs do. They turn trusting, loving, open hearts into suspicious, resentful, broken ones. It would be that way for anyone. How long it stays that way will depend a lot on how you handle things moving forward. Be accountable every minute of every day. Be an open book. Let there be no secrets. Knowing that there is nothing going on is critical to healing the anxiety and trauma that has come with discovering the affair. Looking for information isn’t about wanting to catch you out, but about wanting to know that there is nothing to catch out.

For healing to happen, it will be your turn to take responsibility for standing guard over the boundaries of your relationship for a while. Be the one who makes sure there are no gaps, no absences, no missing pieces in the day. And no secrets. If the person you had the affair with contacts you, let your partner know. Be the one who makes things safe again. For the one who has been hurt, there will be a period, sometimes for a year or more, where there will be a constant need to find evidence that the affair isn’t happening. It may become an obsession for a while. Finding out about an affair is traumatic, and the way to find relief from this is by searching for proof that the relationship is safe, that the affair is finished, and that it’s okay to trust again.

To the one who has been betrayed …

Forgive yourself for feeling angry or sad or hateful or for not knowing what you want. Forgive yourself for everything you’re doing to feel okay. Forgive yourself for not knowing and for not asking the questions that were pressing against you when something didn’t feel right. And let go of any shame – for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the affair or during it or afterwards. None of the shame is yours to hold on to.

Every relationship has a make it or break it point. Some relationships will have many. Forgive yourself if you missed something. This relationship involved two people. If you weren’t giving your partner something he or she needed, it was up to them to tell you so you could put it right. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too. It happens in all relationships from time to time. It’s the intensity and the duration of the unmet need that does the damage. You deserved the chance to know that something wasn’t right. And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. You have that now. If you aren’t able to give your partner what he or she needs moving forward, forgive yourself for that too. Sometimes two great people don’t mean a great relationship. Sometimes it’s not the people who are broken, but the combination of you.

You will always be someone’s very idea of beautifully and imperfectly perfect. Most likely you have always been that to your partner, but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and things fell apart for a while.

Right now though, you are going through a trauma. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive, and to start to feel okay again, whether that it is in the relationship or out of it. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You deserve that. You always have.

And finally …

Every affair will redefine a relationship. It can’t be any other way. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for growth and discovery. The heartbreak won’t always feel bigger than you. Some days you’ll hold steady and some days you’ll be okay and some days you’ll wonder how you’ll ever get back up. This is so normal and it’s all okay. You’re grieving for what you thought you had and what you thought you were working towards. You’re grieving for the person you thought you were with and or the relationship you thought you had. Those things are still there, but they’re different to what you thought. That doesn’t mean better or worse, just different.

Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make – and we all make them – impress in our core new wisdoms and truths that weren’t there before. An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scraping them from dustpan to bin, they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.

Forgiveness After an Affair

Revised 12/20/19

We get a lot of questions about how to achieve forgiveness after infidelity. Achieving forgiveness after an affair is a process with predictable stages. This post looks at what the healing looks like, what to do once things cool down, and why premature forgiveness is a bad idea. It reviews 3 essential variables:

Restoring our belief in the humanity and worthiness of our partner.
Next, how the Hurt partner surrenders their rage and sense of victimization by exploring enduring vulnerabilities and asking: “How the hell did we get here in the first place?”
Last, how the couple can resolve the remaining hidden issues to restore a deeper level of trust.

The Danger of the Premature Apology by the Unfaithful Spouse

Some therapy generalists have quaint notions about forgiveness after an affair. They think that if an affair is disclosed or discovered, the unfaithful spouse (“Involved Partner”) must offer the sincerest of apologies. The earlier, the better.

Wrong.

The science of forgiveness warns us that the problem with a premature apology is that the Involved Partner does not yet fully comprehend the full impact of their behavior on the Hurt Partner.

Absent that realization… of what value is the apology?

Involved Partners, particularly those who have been found out (as opposed to fessing up), are managing resentment, deep shame, anxiety, or fear.

A premature apology is a band-aid of closure over a deep penetrating wound. It won’t help you achieve forgiveness after an affair if it’s offered too soon and too often.

The more the unfaithful spouse apologizes, the more they expect the Hurt Partner to put it behind them.

Even if forgiveness is achieved, rebuilding trust is a separate issue.

For many Hurt Partners, forgiving may indicate that they want to trust their unfaithful spouse, but a felt sense of trusting their partner may not yet be within reach.

Forgiveness helps the Hurt Partner who’s doing the forgiving find relief from pain, but trust helps the Involved Partner find relief from guilt and toxic shame. The act of rebuilding trust, according to Gottman, has an almost mathematical dimension and requires the ongoing participation of both the Hurt and Involved Partners.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a Hurt Partner is pressured into premature forgiveness, emotional distance and prolonged suffering usually follow. Often this “forgiveness” collapses because it is neither resilient nor durable.

“Why can’t you get over it? …I said I was sorry a hundred times. ”

Leaning into the Hurt Partner…the First Step in Forgiveness After an Affair

The Involved Partner needs to be more curious about exactly how their Hurt Partner’s world got turned upside down.

Hurt Partners crave to be heard and understood. The Involved Partner too often stuffs an apology into the mix to relieve their own anxiety and avoid meaningful and intimate engagement around the essential question “How could you do this to me?

Conflict-Avoidant Couples complicate matters further by colluding around apologies and forgiveness at warp speed. When you apologize too quickly to avoid understanding your partner’s pain, or you accept your partner’s apology too soon as a strategy to avoid conflict, the possibility of intimate understanding leading to authentic forgiveness is often thwarted.

How to Forgive an Affair

It is easier to forgive after an affair if you use the infidelity to achieve a level of intimacy previously not reached between you.

Your old marriage is dead. Here’s a chance to build something new.

It is obvious when a couple still has work to do when one of them complains, “I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.”

You would never want to return to your old marriage that was vulnerable to an affair anyway.

Hurt partners who forgive after an affair need a greater depth of intimacy than they have ever known with their partner. They may never have been this intimate with anyone in their lives before.

It is exhilarating, and a little scary. In our Marriage Retreats, we teach couples how to “share the scare.” We help our clients turn the “scared parts” into the “shared parts” by asking generative questions.

Sure, there are bumps and setbacks. Sometimes it’s three steps forward and two steps back. This is arduous work. Work that is, however, deeply satisfying and will echo through time.

Here is the counter-intuitive part: The Hurt Partner works hard to get through their rumination and obsession stage. And just as things seem to have calmed down, science-based couples therapists go back into the Lion’s Den and encourage them to talk about the affair.

Forgiveness After an Affair. Things have Calmed Down…Are We There Yet?

Probably Not.

First, we want the help our couples discover how they were vulnerable to an affair in the first place. We want to see how attuned they are to each other’s love maps. We ask, “You’ve done a great deal of work here… how do you think either one or both of you could screw it up?”

They have to not only be fully aware of their partner’s enduring vulnerabilities, but they also must have a healthy appreciation for their own.

As my wife is fond of reminding me, “We are all Bozos on this bus.” Our couple must have a felt sense of where they might blow themselves up. That way, they are less likely to do so.

Forgiving a Cheating Spouse is a Two-Way Street

This takes courage. Both partners fess up to how they contributed to why their marriage slid into a vulnerable place. There is no Victim or Perp at this stage.

Just two people being vulnerable with each other about the sadness and disappointment they stuffed down for years.

The final discussion involves forgiving yourself, as well as your partner. Forgiveness must be asked… and accepted. It’s an infinite loop.

I like for clients to forgive each other first, and then forgive themselves. Some therapists reverse this sequence. In any event, self-forgiveness is an essential part of this process.

The Importance of Ritual in Forgiveness after an Affair

We sometimes ask couples to design a ritual of forgiveness after an affair. If they don’t have a history of valuing rituals in their family-of-origin, we may offer some suggestions. A ritual burial or burning of an object that symbolizes the affair is sometimes appropriate. We help the couple to craft a ritual that is laden with meaning for both spouses.

Lewis Smedes’ fascinating 1996 book, The Art of Forgiving, describes three distinct stages of forgiveness after an affair. These stages also apply to the therapeutic work of forgiveness after an affair.

Here are the 3 things I promised to tell you that you must understand about the process of forgiveness:

The first stage of forgiveness after an affair is restoring our belief in the humanity and worthiness of our partner. This only happens after rumination and obsession subside. For many couples invested in affair recovery, the answer to “how could you do this to me?” became more like the generative question, “How did we slip so far apart?”
Next, the Hurt partner surrenders their rage and sense of victimization. This happens during the eyeball to eyeball discussion of “How the hell did we get here in the first place?” I call this a vulnerability assessment. Now we are all thinking systemically about both sides of the street.
Last, they adjust their stance toward each other. Hidden issues are resolved. Trust is restored. A narrative of how the infidelity occurred is agreed upon. The couple uses the affair to create a new, deeper relationship.

For affair recovery to be successful, you must reclaim your ability to feel deeply, connect the dots from your family-of-origin issues, and grieve together. Dr. Susan Johnson, the developer of Emotionally-Focused Therapy, is clear in her assertion that affair recovery in successful when the grief of the Hurt Partner is shared. Couples can emerge stronger and tougher for their efforts. And they model that toughness and emotional resilience for their kids as well.

Forgiving an Unfaithful Spouse: What the Research Says

New research (Lambert et al., 2014) on how couples reconcile after infidelity has examined several factors, such as the passage of time, relationship satisfaction, and commitment. It shows that none of these factors is anywhere near as crucial for reconciling after an affair than forgiving an unfaithful spouse.

Forgiveness is the key to reconciling after infidelity, research finds.

The researchers interviewed nearly 600 couples (almost all of these study subjects were married) who had all experienced infidelity within the previous 6 months.

The research says that when the hurt partner can forgive, it is possible to begin reconciling after infidelity and become even stronger as a couple because forgiveness has been bestowed.

Forgiveness is a spouse’s’s moral response to their partner’s’s relational injustice.

Forgiveness is a complicated human endeavor. There can be forgiveness without reconciliation… but there can be no reconciliation without forgiveness.

How Forgiveness After an Affair Really Works

But how does forgiveness work? Finding meaning in the trauma of infidelity, and the struggle to reconcile creates an opportunity for growth. Growth, which occurs through injury is called post-traumatic growth (PTG).

The researchers used questionnaires that examined how much trauma each study subject had experienced, how the affair had been discovered, and how far along they were toward reconciling after infidelity.

Forgiving an unfaithful spouse, involves a co-created understanding of what happened, what it means, and the implications for a still-shared future. The research revealed that forgiveness played the most significant role in getting over the pain of infidelity.

The authors write:

“Forgiveness trumps all in terms of PTG [post-traumatic growth]. Those who were more able to forgive their partners for the infidelity also experienced more growth after the event.”

Infidelity is becoming an increasingly common problem in modern marriages, the study’s authors noted:

“Infidelity remains one of the most difficult issues faced by couples and for the counseling professionals who work with them. Reviews consistently document that somewhere between 22 and 25% of men and 11 and 15% of women are willing to report having sex with someone other than their spouses while married.”

Stage 2… Unpacking the Issues

Stage 2 of affair recovery is the Epiphany Phase. In order to fully, heal and achieve real forgiveness, there has to be a careful unpacking of how both spouses may have contributed to the infidelity.

What was missing in the marriage just beforehand? This is not going to work if the Hurt Partner feels blamed, or if the Involved Partner is seeking to dilute or shift responsibility.

What is most important is identifying the “enduring vulnerabilities” that rendered the marriage weaker and more vulnerable to an infidelity.

And it’s this careful exploration of pre-affair emotional disconnection that blazes a trail for a new relationship to follow. Have a deep, Generative Conversation and explore the motives behind the infidelity, and the potential for rebuilding trust.

Without an awareness of the circumstances which fueled the affair, the relationship will remain vulnerable, and probably will not change. This will be a tough but much needed conversations. Answer questons in paragraphs. Don’t interrupt. Take notes. And don’t forget to take a break after 20 minutes.

Think of the affair as the tipping point which toppled an already unsteady marital house. Hard conversations will lead to healing and forgiveness. But you will both be asked to co-create of narrative that makes sense.

Hard Questions for Partners Who Want to Heal

If you’re the Hurt Partner, having these conversations will have to wait until your nervous system is more fully under your control. Hurt, furious, and frightened is no way to go about it. And if you’re the partner who had an affair, collapsing into shame or being defiantly defensive is no way to engage with your hurt spouse either.

If you’re the Involved Partner who had the affair, and you want to heal, you must create a feeling of safety for your Hurt Partner. You will need to disclose, be completely transparent, and answer questions (sometimes the same ones over and over).

You will have to be patient and bet here for your spouse for as long as it takes. The luxury of secrecy that you once enjoyed is over. And it won’t come back for awhile. Hurt Partners have many questions. The first ones are usually related to situations on the ground. They want to know more than that it’s over. They may also ask:

When did it end? (warning… do not lie about this…they will find out).
How did it end?
How do you know you won’t contact them in the future?
How do I know that it’s over?
What if he or she reaches out to you? What then? Will you tell me?
Have you blocked them on social media? Are you willing to be transparent with me?
You say you want to stay together. How will I know if you change your mind

Status Questions for the Unfaithful Spouse

Forgiveness after an affair is hard work. These questions are for couples that really want to forgive, heal, and move on through time together.

Healing and forgiveness can only begin if the unfaithful spouse takes full responsibility and is contrite.

That involves helping their hurt partner to understand what happened and how their marriage became vulnerable.

That means taking responsibility for the infidelity as well as the painful aftermath. Hurt Partners will ask status questions of their unfaithful partner like these:

Did you ever consider ending it..or wonder how it would end?
What do you regret about having this affair?
How do you feel about your affair partner now?
How do you feel about the impact on us…on me?
Did you ever fear that I would find out?
Did you figure what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me?

Getting Help with the Hardest Questions

The hardest conversations will involve the question, “Why?” Once your nervous systems have calmed down, a different line of inquiry is needed. A good couples therapist can help you with this phase.

However, “why” isn’t such a good question. It’s too focused on the tipping point. “How, what, and when” are much better questions.

How did your affair make you feel? How was it different to the way you felt about us? More powerful? Did you feel more loved? Did you get more attention? Did you feel more nurtured? What was so different?
Have you ever felt that way in our marriage?
When did you stop feeling it?
What, specifically, changed for you?
What was the biggest difference between the relationship with your affair partner and our marriage?
Let’s talk about what needs to be different… You go first, I’ll take notes. Then I’ll go, and you take notes.

Forgiveness and healing require a well-weeded space to bloom. But first, you need to understand the enduring vulnerabilities of your marriage and honestly consider whether or not you want to address them.

Sometimes Hurt Partners may fret about not being able to meet the need, or their resentment and hurt exhausts any desire to even try. That’s why timing is essential. Both spouses will need to be steady on their feet and honestly report what they want and what they want to give. It’s a team effort.

Forgiveness After an Affair: Differentiation, Empathy, and Intuition

Forgiveness after infidelity can be difficult. But the researchers found a particular trait that hurt partners who are reconciling after infidelity has in common. The most significant characteristic of those who were better able to achieve forgiveness was a high degree of differentiation.

The researchers described their findings:

“Differentiation of self refers to the ability to experience both intimacy and autonomy within a relationship. Well-differentiated individuals are able to maintain a clearly defined sense of self and engage in meaningful intimacy while allowing others the space for their own positions.”

In other words, hurt partners who are better able to take care of themselves first, tend to recover faster after the trauma of an unfaithful spouse.

Another critical way forgiveness is achieved is when empathy enters the healing process. Empathy is the ability to not only understand the feelings of your partner but to feel them as well.

It’s’s believed that mirror neurons are the physiological basis for empathy.

Neuroscientists have called this phenomenon mirror-touch synesthesia, where mirror neurons are activated when one animal sees another animal engage in a particular behavior. During moments of deep empathy between a couple, mirror neuron activity can be particularly acute.

Is Forgiving After an Affair Also Related to Intuition?

Every hurt partner who has a straying but a staying partner is challenged by the same question… am I a fool for forgiving and reconciling?

And surprising new research tells us of the power of intuition.

I have been consistently impressed by the many narratives I have heard from hurt partners who have uncovered their unfaithful spouses” infidelity with nothing more than a hunch. I strongly suspect that other couples therapists have also had similar experiences with their clients as well.

The notions of empathy and intuition are somehow two sides of the same coin. Intuition is looking inside oneself to discover knowledge or understanding, which is grounded in felt experience and subconscious awareness.

On the other hand, empathy is the ability to access and resonate with an emotional state outside of ourselves.

New research tells us that intuition is a profoundly useful way to know if a partner has been unfaithful. Researchers learned that we are fairly good at telling if our spouse has cheated just from observing a small amount of their behavior in an otherwise neutral situation.

In this study, even a stranger was able to spot a relationship cheat just by watching an unknown couple interacting for a few minutes.

Both the couple’s degree of trustworthiness and relational commitment ”leaked out” from their behavior.

The study subjects were able to automatically notice the signs of infidelity without quite understanding how they knew.

For the study, committed couples were given a quick-drawing game to play that was recorded. The couples also answered questions about their marital fidelity.

Complete strangers watched the three-to-five-minute video and were asked to guess whether one partner had been an unfaithful spouse to the other.

The results showed that strangers did surprisingly well, considering the meager amount of information they had to go on.

The researchers determined that people can make remarkably accurate judgments about others in a variety of situations after just a brief exposure to their behavior.

Forgiving an Unfaithful Spouse and “Thin Slicing”

Ambady and Rosenthal (1992) referred to this brief, intuitive observation as a “thin slice.”

“Thin-slicing” is defined as observing a small part an interaction, usually less than 5 minutes, and being able to draw accurate conclusions about the emotions and attitudes of the people observed.

Judgments based on “thin-slicing” can be just as accurate, or even more accurate, than decisions based on much more information. Researchers have been debating the phenomena of “thin-slicing” for over twenty-five years.

We know that it’s a fact that accurate information on human beings can be mysteriously gleaned from very little data. We don’t fully understand how, but the fact remains that in many realms of social interaction, we can make pretty accurate “snap” judgments about other people, and of course, our life partners.

We don’t yet understand how human intuition works…but we do know that it exists.

There is no reason to assume that our life partners are exempt from this poorly understood human phenomenon. Perhaps some hurt partners achieve forgiveness after an affair because they believe, by “thin-slicing,” that they safely can.

At the risk of sounding metaphysical, the researchers conclude that:

“…people may be internally programmed to identify inclinations that could be devastating to their relationship. …individuals seeking a committed relationship may be well advised to listen to their intuition or at least think twice before committing to someone they suspect may be inclined to cheat.”

Forgiveness After An Affair Involved 3 Vital Questions

Forgiveness after an affair is typically the result of a successful affair recovery. Each stage requires successful completion before the next is reached. It involves fully answering three vital questions we’ve covered in this post:

“Is my believe restored in the humanity and worthiness of our partner?”
“Do I know how we got here in the first place?”
Last, “Am I confident that there are no more hidden issues and that I can now begin to trust and heal again?”

Active affair recovery helps the Hurt Partner answer each of these questions and achieve true forgiveness after an affair.

Forgiveness After an Affair…What Does Healing Look Like?

After rumination and obsessions wane, the Hurt Partner tends to become physically and emotionally exhausted.

The work of science-based affair recovery shifts at this point to begin to explore the question:

“How were we vulnerable? What happened to us? How do we prevent this disconnect from happening in the future?”

Forgiveness after an affair is possible if both spouses are committed to the process.

These thorny, generative questions strengthen the couple’s emotional muscle.

Open and candid dialogue, however uncomfortable, promotes an intimate way of talking that was previously unknown to them.

They became stronger. They became closer. And they acquired a more realistic appreciation for their marriage and family.

This is where a Marriage Intensive Retreat is so profoundly valuable. I use the terms Couples Retreat, Couples Therapy Intensive, and Intensive Marriage Retreat interchangeably.

I want my couples to slow down and be renewed, not exhausted, after an affair recovery retreat. I would rather have them feeling restored, reconnected, and revitalized. And they do.

A science-based Intensive Marriage Retreat helps the couple to unpack all of the unresolved issues and hidden conflicts with structured interventions, which are informed by a careful clinical assessment.

These couples connected their family-of-origin dots. They’ve learned about their individual and relational weaknesses, and they lean into and support one another. Couples engaged in frank therapeutic dialogue understand the impact they have on their kids, as they have greater respect for how they were impacted by their parents as well.

Start Your Affair Recovery with a Science-Based Couples Therapy

Research:

Ambady, N., & Rosenthal, R. (1992). Thin slices of expressive behavior as predictors of interpersonal consequences: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 111(2), 256-274. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.111.2.256

(Lambert et al., 2014). This study was published in the journal Personal Relationships.

Understand and forgive? The psychologist gave 6 tips on how to survive betrayal

Lifestyle

Photo: iStockphoto

Are both to blame?

It is believed that both partners are to blame for the betrayal of one of the partners. Like, the other behaved wrong, did not look after himself or made too many claims. So, at least, those who have changed like to say. And then the second half begins to delve into themselves in search of the reason that pushed their loved one to go left, or, worse, to self-flagellate, blaming themselves for worthlessness and a terrible character. nine0003

According to the psychiatrist, psychotherapist Natalia Zaitseva, people often look for the reasons for their partner's betrayals in themselves. And it seems to be in vain. The specialist believes that although disagreements in the family or dissatisfaction with each other can provoke treason, they will never predetermine such behavior. The point is how each person can react differently to the same stimulus - his reaction does not depend on an external cause, but on what is happening in his head. As the therapist explains, the prefrontal cortex greatly influences a person's social behavior. nine0003

Psychotherapist, psychiatrist

Personal website

- It is naive to believe that by changing our behavior, stepping on the throat of our ambitions and desires, suppressing our negativity, we can somehow radically affect the frontal lobes of partners and prevent betrayal from them. sides. Human behavior is a complex construct, and it is influenced by many individual factors: personal characteristics, age, social status, upbringing, and the presence of diseases such as depression, PTSD ( post-traumatic stress disorder ), personality disorder, alcohol or drug abuse,” Natalya Zaitseva wrote in her Telegram channel.

Also, according to the doctor, an important role is played by the circle of friends and society's attitude towards betrayal. And now it treats them very loyally.

- If you don't cheat, it seems like you're not a man. Heel. Loyalty is still not in trend in the new season, the specialist added.

Different motives

As psychologist Maria Kirichenko said, numerous studies confirm that husbands cheat on their wives more often. Women, as a rule, strive to save the marriage, so they rarely agree to an affair. Although they, of course, also often start relationships on the side. nine0003

According to researchers, the motives for cheating in both sexes are markedly different. While men are often chasing numbers, easily starting a relationship when the opportunity arises, women, on the contrary, are more selective, prefer the best representative and carefully consider possible scenarios for the development of events.

Maria Kirichenko named the main reasons that can push both of them to betray.

EMMA service psychologist, family relations expert

Personal website

Why women cheat

Women are prone to cheating when they don't feel appreciated and loved. So they seek intimacy and attention after being neglected by their spouses.

Meanwhile, some studies show that even being in a strong marriage, women can still find themselves in other people's arms. This happens for a number of reasons. For example, in recent years, the number of female infidelities has increased significantly, which researchers attribute to the excessive employment of women at work and their constant absences on business trips. nine0003

In addition, a woman can “nurture” the idea of infidelity for a long time. And having found a partner that matches his ideal idea, start an affair with him, which often develops into a serious relationship and even remarriage. And this suggests that women use an affair as a way to end their old relationship and find a new, better partner.

The connection that women are looking for on the side may have evolutionary roots. There is a theory that since ancient times, the representatives of the weaker sex paired up with the main partner in order to have rich offspring. But when the women went out to collect food, they could have a connection on the side. It was done to get some sort of insurance to have someone to help raise the kids and guarantee their survival if their main partner dies. This theory is controversial, but experts say women's motivations for romance are generally not limited to sex.

Why men cheat

Quite often men cheat on their wives because they subconsciously want to be caught in a lie and break off unsuccessful relationships . They don't tend to have difficult conversations with their wives and girlfriends about their needs, so they may view deceit as a means to an end. So, instead of a tiresome conversation and an attempt to save a relationship, men choose the easy way - a new romance. nine0003

Cheating does not always happen purely for physiological reasons. If a man feels unnoticed or emotionally disconnected from his partner, the risks that he will go left increase dramatically. Compassion and support from another woman in his life can be very helpful. It often starts with a casual friendship, maybe with a female co-worker that makes him feel better. This forms an emotional connection that a man cherishes.

Often a partner can cheat on his woman only because he does not care about her feelings and generally does not respect her as a person . This speaks of sociopathic inclinations and narcissistic character traits of such a person.

Some men cheat out of anger, jealousy or revenge . Even if a woman did not cheat, but made friends with a male colleague, for her husband this can be a reason for revenge.

Such behavior may indicate his possible inadequacy and even mental deviations. nine0003

Depression and anxiety can increase a man's desire to start another relationship . Such disorders greatly affect the emotional state of a person. Wanting to find relief, a man will go through thousands of options in his head, and an affair that means nothing to him will be the first point on the way to solving the problem.

Feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem can also push a man to cheat , especially if he does not receive evidence to the contrary in his own relationship. If, for example, he does not feel attractive enough for his woman, he may seek external validation through others. nine0003

From an evolutionary point of view, men cheat because they consider it necessary to spread their genetic code as much as possible and provide themselves with heirs.

How to survive infidelity: 6 advice from a psychologist

- The news of your partner's infidelity can cause you shock and shock. And wanting to know about the motives for such an act is normal, but the answer to the question will not be simple. As a rule, the main reason is problems in marriage that you either did not notice or turned a blind eye to them. However, it is quite possible that there are no special reasons behind the betrayal - the person was just purposefully looking for a new relationship. Regardless of the reason, you will have to deal with a lot of complex feelings and think about a lot when deciding where to move on, says Maria Kirichenko. nine0003

The psychologist gave some advice on how to survive the betrayal of a loved one and not earn additional health problems.

1. Accept your feelings

Shock, pain, depression and confusion are normal feelings in this situation. It takes time to overcome them. Don't expect the mixture of feelings and distrust to go away even if you try to forgive your partner and repair your marriage. Your union has changed and it is only natural to mourn the relationship you once had. nine0003

2. Do not seek revenge

Betrayal can cause quite reasonable anger. In a state of rage, your first impulse might be to punish your partner by vilifying him in front of your friends (or worse, on social media) or to think of an affair you could have yourself. You can get a temporary sense of satisfaction from such actions, but in the end, anger will not let go, but will become your main ally.

Think before you tell your family about this. Most likely, they will have a strong opinion about what happened. But someone else's marriage is a secret with seven seals, so no one has the right to make a decision for you. nine0003

3. Take care of yourself

You may have some physical reactions due to stress - nausea, trouble sleeping, trembling, difficulty concentrating, lack of appetite, or conversely, overeating. After the initial shock wears off, try to eat healthy, stick to a schedule, sleep at your usual time—in other words, live for your own good.

4. Avoid Blaming

Blaming yourself, your partner, or another person won't change anything - it's just a waste of energy. Also try not to play the victim and don't feel sorry for yourself. nine0003

5. Keep your children away from details

The situation between you and your partner should not involve children. Even if you decide to get a divorce, keep extra details to yourself. Your desire to harm your partner by telling your children about his infidelity will only put them at a disadvantage and cause anxiety.

6. Get help

Don't try to deal with infidelity alone. Before making any decisions about the dissolution of a marriage, it is wise to talk to a psychologist who will be neutral and help you understand exactly what happened. nine0003

Anastasia Romanova

Under what conditions can adultery be forgiven October 01, 2022

Map of new public transport routes in Nizhny Novgorod

Valid from August 23, 2022.

Download

ABC of feelings

"Well, it happens, I stumbled"

Photo: vk.com/nyusha

Read us at

The other day, singer Nyusha admitted that betrayal almost ruined their relationship with her husband. However, they found the strength to go through this difficult period together and save the family. Nyusha decided to share her experience with fans, hoping that it would be useful to them. “It is important to talk about it, because it happens in the lives of millions,” the singer is sure. However, not all of her fans approved of the celebrity's generosity. Many agreed that in no case should one forgive betrayal, since this is the most natural betrayal. Can infidelity really be forgiven? And under what conditions? nine0046

Male approach

The stronger sex is extremely categorical in this matter. Most men claim that they will never be able to forgive the infidelity of their chosen one.

“I haven’t forgiven and will never forgive betrayal, it’s just an incident that a girl can cheat on you”, “If I find out that my girlfriend is cheating on me, I will immediately send her ...” - forums are full of such statements.

And it must be admitted that there are very few people who are really capable of showing such generosity. Yes, and those who are trying to understand and forgive their beloved, often then find themselves unable to cope with resentment. nine0003
In social networks, the user told how he found out that his girlfriend cheated on him at the resort. According to him, he immediately decided to forgive her, because he loved her. However, at the same time, he still felt humiliated, and as a result, the relationship broke up.

Many men compare a woman's betrayal with a broken vase - you can collect it, but you can't admire it anymore. There are more figurative comparisons.

“One Chinese scholar said that a cheating man is like a teapot from which tea is poured into mugs. But how stupid a cheating woman will look like a cup into which tea is poured from several teapots at once ... ”- said one of the members of the forum. nine0003
Women's approach

There are also many women who are sure that infidelity cannot be forgiven under any circumstances.

“Who do you have to be to go to bed with him after Another WOMAN???”, “Where does pride go?” - fans fell upon Nyusha.

“I will never forgive betrayal, no matter how much I love. I believe that a person who really loves will never change, ”one of my acquaintances is sure.

Some people think that only women with low self-esteem can forgive infidelity. “If a woman is among the sufferers, they need to be finished off. They simply lack betrayal, because the level of self-esteem is low, there is no pride. They need to be finally trampled into the ground, and only then they deign to leave, ”writes one of the singer’s fans. nine0003
My neighbor divorced her husband when their son was just born. The husband on a business trip slept with a colleague, which he foolishly honestly told his wife. She promptly kicked him out. His attempts to beg forgiveness from his wife had no effect. As a result, a friend raised her son without a father. For which he still keeps a burning grudge against his mother. But the neighbor herself is sure that she did the right thing, because betrayal is a betrayal, and betrayal cannot be forgiven.

“He who betrays once will certainly do it again. Still, it was not in vain that traitors to the motherland used to be shot. A person who betrayed this Motherland is already useless and dangerous for it, because he does not value it. The same is with betrayal in the family, ”one of the wearers is sure. nine0003
In addition, many people are afraid that after forgiveness a cheating husband will get a taste of it and start going to the left all the time.

“I will always be afraid that he is deceiving me again. That is, it is simply impossible to talk about trust. And without trust, no relationship is possible, ”shares one of the participants in the discussion.

At one time, a friend of mine, after five years of marriage, found out about her husband's affair with a work colleague. He swore in love, begged to forgive him. He assured me that this would not happen again. She agreed to forgive. But nothing good came of it. She was constantly tormented by the fear of a repetition of treason. She became suspicious, twitchy. Living together has become a nightmare. And both of them took the divorce as a relief. nine0003
“I realized that if we were together, I would always think about his betrayal and just go crazy. It was hard, but over time it became easier, ”she admitted.

True, not all representatives of the weaker sex are so categorically disposed. Some of them refer to the betrayal of a man as a manifestation of cowardice or stupidity. Therefore, they consider it possible to forgive her.

“Well, sometimes a man stumbles. Especially if the woman herself fucked him ... rushed. If he regretted what happened and won’t do it again, I think it’s possible to forgive,” shares a forum member named Inga. nine0003
Many representatives of the weaker sex agree with her: “If this is a one-time incident, and not a system, you can forgive”, “Well, it happens that you stumbled, what now ...”, “But this does not prevent us from continuing a happy married life together,” they share their opinion forumchanki.

This assumes that her husband's infidelity was a one-time event and will not happen again in the future. Although there are those who are ready to endure even the numerous sprees of a loved one. In this case, they console themselves with the fact that the beloved still returns to his wife, and therefore, he truly loves her. nine0003
True, it is recommended to forgive betrayal up to three times. Because if this is repeated more often, then this is already a feature of character, and not at all problems in relationships. And then decide whether you want to constantly put up with the presence of a third person in your life or not.

Understand, believe

Nyusha herself, apparently, did not place all the blame for what had happened on her husband. This allowed her not to chop off her shoulder.

“There are always two people in a relationship, both of them are responsible,” she is sure. nine0003
There were quite a few who agreed with her.

“Both spouses are almost always to blame for adultery. One is that he couldn’t resist, the second is that he didn’t, ”writes one of Nyushin’s fans.

Nyusha's husband echoes his famous wife. In his opinion, it is important to understand what is the cause of the problems in the relationship. At the same time, questions should be asked first of all to yourself, and not to the second half.

“We need to look into ourselves why this happened to both one and the other in a couple. Why did you bring this situation up? Someone in a couple loses sexuality, why? The question should be asked to yourself, not to your partner,” Igor Sivov shares his opinion. nine0003
Experts partly agree with this point of view.

“Most of the representatives of the stronger sex are actually determined to live their lives with one woman. And they are usually pushed to the left by dissatisfaction with existing relationships. Perhaps at home he lacks attention, warmth, support, etc.,” explains psychologist Igor Nefyodov.

As we have already written more than once, betrayal (we are not talking about constant spree) primarily indicates trouble in relationships. And if these relationships are dear to you, then it makes sense not to break them, but to try to understand what went wrong. nine0003
“Instead of blaming, try to understand the reasons for what happened,” advises Igor Nefyodov. “It is possible that the analysis of the situation will help you correct the situation and bring the relationship to a different, better level.”

The main thing, psychologists warn, is to honestly admit to yourself why you decided to forgive your chosen one. If only because of the children, the fear of loneliness, the desire to take revenge on the opponent or maintain status, then most likely nothing good will come of it. nine0003
If you still can't let go of resentment and understand that you can no longer trust your other half in anything, immediately give up these attempts. And, without wasting time on maintaining a ghostly relationship, start building new ones that may not be overshadowed by betrayal.

It's worth starting all over again only if you feel that you still feel warmth and tenderness for each other, feel that your soulmate takes care of yourself and are ready to take care of it yourself.
Learn more

Private personality types

Therapeutic drawing prompts

Travel jobs for introverts

What is self love called

Children of dysfunctional families

Fake sorry quotes

More than a man

Depression good quotes

Lamictal morning or night

Psychology questions to ask your partner

Introverts in the military