Fake sorry quotes
The Top 12 Fake Apologies -- And What Makes for an Authentic Apology
Apologizing can renew trust, soothe hurt feelings and return the lifeblood to a damaged relationship. But when someone hurts you and gives you a fake apology, it can make things worse, not better.
How can you recognize when someone is not authentically apologizing? Here are the 12 most common non-apology apologies:
I am sorry if . . .
This is a conditional apology. It falls short of a full apology by suggesting only that somethingmight have happened.
Examples: I am sorry if I did anything wrong I am sorry if you were offended
I am sorry that you . . .
This is a blame-shifting apology. It is no apology at all. Rather, it puts the onus on you as the problem.
Examples: I am sorry you felt hurt I am sorry you think I did something wrong I am sorry you feel I am so bad
I am sorry but . . .
This excuse-making apology does nothing to heal the wounds caused.
Examples: I am sorry, but most other people wouldnt have overreacted like you did I am sorry, but other people thought it was funny I am sorry, but you started it I am sorry, but I couldnt help it I am sorry, but there was truth to what I said I am sorry but, you cant expect perfection
I was just . . .
This is a justifying apology. It seeks to argue that hurtful behavior was okay because it was harmless or for a good cause.
Examples: I was just kidding I was just trying to help I was only trying to calm you down I was trying to get you see the other side I was just playing devils advocate
I have already . . .
This deja-vu apology cheapens whatever is said by implying that there is nothing left to apologize for.
Examples: I already said I was sorry I have apologized for that a million times
I regret . . .
This sidestepping apology equates regret with apologizing. There is no ownership.
Examples: I regret you felt upset I regret that mistakes were made
I know I . . .
This whitewashing apology is an effort to minimize what happened without owning any hurtful effects on you or others. The whitewash may seem self-effacing but on its own it contains no apology.
Examples: I know I shouldnt have done that I know I probably should have asked you first I know I can sometimes be a bull in a china shop
You know I . . .
This nothing-to-apologize-for apology tries to talk you out of your feelings or imply that you shouldnt be upset.
Examples: You know I am sorry You know I didnt mean that You know I would never hurt you
I will apologize if . . .
This pay-to-play apologyis not a clean, freely offered apology. Rather, you have to pay to get it.
Examples: I will only apologize if you apologize I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again I will say I am sorry if you will just stop talking about it
I guess I . . .
This is a phantom apology. It hints at the need for an apology, but never gives one.
Examples: I guess I owe you an apology I guess I should say I am sorry
X told me to apologize . . .
This is a not-my-apology apology. The person is saying he or she is apologizing only because someone else suggested it. The implication is that it would have never happened otherwise.
Examples: Your mother told me to come apologize to you My friend said I should tell you I was sorry
Fine! Im sorry, okay!
This is a bullying apology. Either in words or tone you are given a grudging Im sorry but it doesnt feel like an apology. It may even feel like a threat.
Examples: Okay, enough already, I am sorry for chrissakes Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?
Faux apologies such as these 12 seek to avoid responsibility, make excuses, shift blame, downplay what was done, invalidate or confuse the hurt or offended person, or move on prematurely.
A true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics:
- Is freely offered without conditions or minimizing what was done
- Conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt persons experience and feelings
- Conveys remorse
- Offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
- Offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate
An authentic apology starts with listening. If you seek to apologize, you first need to hear what happened from the other person’s point of view and how it affected them.
As therapist and author Harriet Lernerwrote in the Psychotherapy Networker, No apology will have meaning if we havent listened carefully to the hurt partys anger and pain. More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really get it, that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that their feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain weve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure theres no repeat performance.
People issue faux apologies for several reasons. They may not believe they did anything wrong or just want to keep the peace. They may feel embarrassed and want to avoid the feelings. They may feel shame about their actions but feel unable or unwilling to confront their shame.
People who consistently fail to apologize may lack empathy or have low self-esteem or a personality disorder. As Lerner wrote, Some people stand on a small, rickety platform of self-worth. Theyre unable to own up to the hurt theyve caused because doing so threatens to flip them into an identity of worthlessness and shame. The non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem.
Copyright Dan Neuharth PhD MFT
13 Fake Apologies Used by Narcissists
Source: Mike Focus/Shutterstock
From time to time, nearly all of us make mistakes that hurt others. Fortunately, an earnest apology can soothe feelings, rebuild trust, and infuse healing into a damaged relationship.
Authentic and heartfelt apologies, however, are rarely given by narcissists.
Attending to others’ feelings or rebuilding trust are generally not narcissists' top priorities. Loath to admit mistakes, narcissists focus on preserving their image and protecting themselves from discomfort—regardless of the discomfort they cause others.
Apologies that begin with phrases such as “I'm sorry but” or “I'm sorry if” often lack authenticity. Such faux apologies seek to avoid responsibility, make excuses, downplay what was done, invalidate, confuse, or move on prematurely.
While many of us occasionally miss the mark in apologizing, a telling characteristic of narcissists is their tendency to refuse to apologize or to issue apologies that leave others underwhelmed, confused, or feeling even worse.
Here are 13 common fake apologies used by narcissists, along with examples of each:
The Minimizing Apology: "I was just..."
“I was just kidding. ”
“I was just trying to help.”
“I was just playing devil’s advocate.”
Minimizing apologies pretend that hurtful behavior is harmless or done for a good cause.
The Shift-the-Blame Apology: "I am sorry that you..."
“I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.”
“I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.”
“I am sorry, but maybe you’re just too sensitive.”
These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem.
Source: Dan Neuharth
The Conditional Apology: "I'm sorry if..."
"I am sorry if something I said offended you.”
“I am sorry if your feelings were hurt.”
"I am sorry if I may have done anything wrong."
Conditional apologies fall short of a full apology, suggesting only that something may have been hurtful.
The Deja-Vu Apology: "I've already..."
“I already said I was sorry.”
“I have apologized for that a dozen times. ”
Such statements do not contain an actual apology. They imply that the case is closed.
The Phantom Apology: "I regret..."
“I regret that you felt upset.”
“I regret that mistakes were made.”
Regret is a feeling. Apologizing is an action. Telling someone you regret what happened takes no ownership of hurtful behavior.
The Whitewashing Apology: "I probably..."
“I probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“Maybe I should have asked you first.”
Whitewashing apologies minimize any harm done by offering a self-effacing posture without owning up to the consequences.
The Nothing-to-Apologize-for Apology: "You know I..."
“You know I'd never hurt you.”
“You know I am sorry.”
“You know I didn’t mean that.”
These imply that you shouldn't be upset or try to talk you out of your feelings.
The Invisible Apology: "I guess I..."
“I guess I owe you an apology. ”
“I guess I should say I am sorry.”
These hint at the need for an apology but don't actually offer one.
The Pay-to-Play Apology: "I'll apologize if..."
“I’ll apologize if you will.”
“I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again.”
“I will apologize, but you have to forgive me.”
Narcissists are transactional. These are not clean, freely offered apologies; they are attempts at a quid pro quo.
The Not-My-Apology Apology: "I was told to..."
“Your mother told me to apologize to you.”
“My friend thinks I should tell you I am sorry.”
Such apologies suggest the person is apologizing only because someone else suggested it. You’re left wondering if the narcissist even believes they did something wrong.
The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..."
“I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.”
“I’m sorry, but you started it. ”
“I am sorry but I just couldn’t help it.”
“I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.”
Takeaway apologies can be worse than no apology at all, as they add insult to the original injury.
The One-Size-Fits-All Apology: "All those times..."
“I am sorry for all the things I have done that upset you.”
“I apologize for every bad thing I’ve done.”
Blanket apologies such as these seek to wipe the slate clean but may offer no indication a narcissist has any idea what he or she said or did that was hurtful.
The Get-Off-My-Back Apology: "Enough already..."
“Fine! I’m sorry, okay!”
“Okay, I am sorry, for chrissakes.”
“Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?”
“What do you want me to do, climb up on the cross?”
Either in words or tone, such grudging apologies don’t offer healing. They may even feel like threats.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you’re too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you. I was just trying to help.”
A true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics:
- Doesn't contain conditions or minimize what was done.
- Shows that the person apologizing understands and has empathy for the offended person’s experience and feelings.
- Shows remorse.
- Offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior in the future.
- Offers to make amends or provide restitution where appropriate.
To apologize, one needs to honestly hear what happened from the other person’s point of view and how it affected them. But narcissists tend not to be interested in listening to others, particularly if the topic is something the narcissists may have done wrong.
As therapist and author Harriet Lerner wrote, “More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really ‘get it,’ that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that the feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure there’s no repeat performance. ”
Unfortunately, expressing empathy and remorse is often a bridge too far for most narcissists.
Copyright 2020 Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT
A version of this post also appears on PsychCentral.
Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock
Immediately I apologize to those who ... (Quotation from the book "The Floor of Death" by Lee Child)
Immediately I apologize to those who read quotes, what I wrote out very interested me ... but the fact that there is a lot of text ...SORRY!!!
“There are two kinds of fakes,” Kelstein began. - Bad and good. In good fakes, everything is done properly. Do you know the difference between gravure and offset printing?
Shrugging my shoulders, I shook my head. Pulling one magazine from a pile, Kelstein handed it to me. It turned out to be the quarterly bulletin of some historical society. nine0009 - Open it. On any page. Run your finger across the paper. She's smooth, right? This is offset printing. Almost everything is printed this way. Books, magazines, newspapers. A roller of paint passes over a blank sheet of paper. But gravure is a completely different matter.
He suddenly clapped his hands sharply. I jumped up in surprise. In the silence of the room, the clap sounded very loud.
"That's what gravure is," Kelstein said. — The metal plate strikes the paper sheet with great force. At the same time, tangible indentations remain on the paper. The printed image becomes voluminous. It cannot be confused with anything. nine0009 He took out his wallet from his pocket. Pulled out a ten dollar bill. Handed it to me.
- Do you feel it? The cliché is made of nickel and plated with chrome. Thin lines are engraved in the chrome layer, which are filled with paint. The cliché hits the paper and the ink stays on it. Understandably? The paint is in the recesses of the cliche, so on paper it will go to the bulges. Gravure printing is the only way to get a raised image. Only when using gravure printing can a fake look like a real one. After all, this is how real dollars are printed. nine0009 — What about paint?
"Three colors are used," Kelstein said. Black and two shades of green. The reverse side is printed first, with a darker green ink. After that, the paper is dried, and the next day the image is printed on the front side, in black ink. The paper is dried again and the front side is printed with a lighter green ink. Including serial number. But with light green ink, the image is printed in a different way, called letterpress. It is somewhat similar to gravure printing, only the ink on the paper remains in the recesses, and not on the bulges. nine0009 Nodding, I carefully examined the ten dollar bill, one side and the other. He ran his finger over it. To be honest, I have never really looked closely at paper money before.
"So four problems," said Kelstein. - Press, cliche, paint and paper. A press, new or used, can be bought anywhere. Hundreds of sources. Many countries print money, bonds, stocks. So the press is easy to get. It can even be remade from something. One day, Joe found a workshop in Thailand that used a gravure press converted from a squid carcass machine. Hundreds came out from under him impeccable. nine0009 - What about the cliche?
- Cliche is problem number two. It's all about talent here. There are people who forge paintings by old masters, there are people who are able to perform a Mozart piano concerto after hearing it only once. And, of course, there are engravers who can reproduce banknotes. It's a perfectly natural assumption, isn't it? If one person in Washington can engrave the original, there is bound to be another somewhere who can make a copy. But such specialists are rare, and masters of the highest class are even rarer. There are several people in Armenia. Those Thais who used the squid processing press invited a specialist from Malaysia. nine0009 "Okay," I said. “So, Cleaner bought a press and found an engraver. How about paint?
- Paint is problem number three. In the United States, you cannot buy anything even remotely similar to what you need. Joe took care of it. But abroad you can get anything. As I said, almost all countries print securities. And, of course, Joe could not give instructions to the governments of these countries. So finding colors is quite easy. With greens, only the problem of hue arises. It is solved by mixing different types of paint until the desired result is obtained. Black paint is magnetic, did you know that? nine0009 I shook my head again. Looked suspiciously at ten.
- You can't see it. A liquid chemical containing iron is added to black paint. It is on the basis of this that electronic banknote counters work. They read the image in the center of the portrait, and then these signals are processed by something like a magnetic head in a tape recorder.
- Where can I get this paint? I asked.
- Yes, anywhere. It is used by all and sundry. Here we are lagging behind other countries. We do not want to officially admit that we are concerned about the problem of counterfeit money. nine0009 I remembered Molly's words. Trust and reliability. I nodded.
"A currency should give the impression of stability," Kelstein explained. “That's why we're so reluctant to change the look of our money. They should look reliable, constant, unchanging. Turn over this ten.
I looked at the green picture on the back of the ten dollar bill. Treasury building on a deserted street. A lone car drives by. Judging by the appearance, "Ford" model T.
- The image has not changed much since 1929 years old,” Kelstein said. From a psychological point of view, this is very important. We put the appearance of reliability over safety. This made Joe's task very difficult.
I nodded again.
- Good. So, we figured out the press, clichés and paint. What can be said about paper?
Beaming, the old scholar clapped his hands as if we were approaching something really interesting.
- Paper is problem number four. Although in fact, I must say, this is the number one problem. Without exaggeration, this is the main problem. That's what Joe and I couldn't figure out about Cleaner's work. nine0009 - Why?
- Because the paper is perfect, one hundred percent flawless. The Cleaner paper quality is much higher than the print quality. This is the first time we've encountered this.
The old man shook his gray head, as if admiring the unheard-of achievements of Cleaner.
For some time we silently sat opposite each other.
- Is the paper perfect? I suggested.
Nodding, the old professor continued to lecture.
"This is the first time we've encountered this," he repeated. - In the whole process, paper is the most difficult. Remember, we're not talking about any amateurs. It's on an industrial scale. In a year, Cleaner printed hundred-dollar bills totaling four billion. nine0009 - So many? I was surprised.
"Four billion," he repeated. - Approximately the same as in Lebanon. This is Joe's estimate. But someone who, and he must have known. And it's inexplicable. Four billion hundredths is forty million banknotes. Huge amount of paper. Which is completely inexplicable, Mr. Reacher. After all, Kliner's paper is perfect.
- What kind of paper is needed to print money?
Holding out his hand, Kelstein took the ten from me. He crumpled it, then smoothed it out and smoothed it out. nine0009 - Paper is a mixture of fibers. Unique combination. Approximately eighty percent cotton and twenty percent linen. There is absolutely no wood pulp in it. It has more in common with a shirt you're wearing than with a newspaper. A special chemical dye is added to the paper, giving it a unique creamy hue. And fused into it are random red and blue polymer threads as thick as silk. The paper on which money is printed is a real miracle. Durable, serves for several years, does not decompose in water, in heat and cold. Precisely defined absorption, which allows you to convey the smallest details of the engraving. nine0009 — So it's hard to fake paper? I asked.
- Almost impossible. In a way, paper is so difficult to counterfeit that even an official Treasury supplier cannot counterfeit it. With great difficulty, he produces the same paper, batch after batch, and this is, without exaggeration, the most experienced paper manufacturer in the world.
I mentally repeated what I heard. Press, cliche, paint, paper.
— So paper is the key?
Kelstein nodded sadly.
— We have come to this conclusion. We agreed that the main problem is the origin of the paper, but we have no idea where it comes from. That's why I really can't help you. I couldn't help Joe and I can't help you. I am very sorry. nine0009 I looked at him carefully.
- Cleaner's warehouse is full of something. Maybe paper?
Kelstein snorted contemptuously.
- You're not listening to me? Paper cannot be obtained. No way. You can't get paper for forty banknotes, let alone forty millions. This is the main mystery. Joe, Walter, and I have been racking our brains for a year, but never came up with anything.
"Looks like Bartholomew found something," I said.
Kelstein nodded sadly. Slowly getting up from his chair, he walked over to the table. Pressed the play key on the answering machine. A horn sounded, then the office was filled with the voice of a murdered scientist. nine0009 - Kelstein? Bartholomew speaking. I call Thursday, late at night. I'll call you tomorrow morning and tell you the answer. Looks like I got ahead of you. Good night, old chap.
There was an enthusiastic excitement in the voice. Kelstein stood staring into space, as if the spirit of Bartholomew was in the air. He was very upset. I couldn't tell if it was by the death of my old colleague or by the fact that an old colleague got ahead of him.
"Poor Walter," he finally said. “I have known him for fifty-six years.
I was silent. Then he also got up. nine0009 - I will find the answer.
With his head tilted to one side, Kelstein looked at me intently.
- Do you really think so? Your brother couldn't.
- Maybe Joe found the answer too. We don't know what he found out before he was killed. Anyway, now I'm going back to Georgia. And you keep looking.
Nodding, Kelstein sighed. It was obvious that he was overwhelmed by what had happened.
- Good luck, Mr. Reacher. I hope you see through your brother's work. nine0007
10 quotes by Mamardashvili • Arzamas
A few randomly selected quotes from Merab Mamardashvili's lectures and articles that will help you understand Russia and some other thingsMerab Mamardashvili © The National Parliamentary Library of Georgia
1. To want to live is to want to occupy more points of space and time, that is, to replenish or supplement ourselves with what we ourselves do not possess.
2. One of my experiences (because of which, perhaps, I began to study philosophy) was ... an experience of a completely incomprehensible, confusing blindness of people to what is.
3. It is enough to take a closer look at some episodes of Russian history to see that this is a situation where we do not gain experience. When something happens to us, but we do not gain experience, and this repeats endlessly. <...> We use the word "hell" as an ordinary or borrowed word from religion, but we forget its original symbolism. Hell is a word that symbolizes something that we know in life and that is the most terrible thing - eternal death. Death that happens all the time. Imagine that we are endlessly chewing a piece and chewing it does not end. And that is endless death. nine0007 Merab Mamardashvili (right) with a friend © The National Parliamentary Library of Georgia
4. Some theory is invented, people's lives are restructured, and then a gaping concentration camp is found there, and the person says: "But I didn't want that. " Sorry, this doesn't happen. This is not accepted by the heroic mind. Not even accepted as an apology. The heroic consciousness knows that the devil is playing with us when we do not think accurately. Feel free to think accurately. So you just didn't think. nine0007
5. Many people are ready to suffer forever (as "unfortunate") in order not to suffer once (as "courageous", ie "resolute").
6. One of the laws of Russian life is the sigh or creep of good, but tomorrow. And all in a crowd, together. Today - what is the point for me to be kind alone, when everyone around is evil?
7. What happened in 1921 happened according to the level of our souls. Regardless of the big catastrophes I mean the establishment of the Soviet system in Georgia, accompanied by armed conflicts.. As they grew up, so it happened. Big disasters didn't make us big. nine0007
8. It's not so scary when unanswered thoughts are spinning in your head. It's OK. Let them spin. And by the way, this twisting of thoughts is the circle of life.
9. Truth has such a quality or such a law of its appearance that it appears only in the form of lightning (the appearance of truth - as if the truth would shine for a whole day, like the sun, this does not happen). So, while it is - go, it is said in the Gospel. I would translate: move, or move while the light flickered. nine0007
10. Thought is something into which we must fall again, again and again, “like heresy,” as one falls into love.
- Mamardashvili M. Lectures on ancient philosophy.
- Mamardashvili M. Psychological topology of the path.
St. Petersburg, 1997.
- Mamardashvili M. Aesthetics of thinking.
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