Feeling a connection with someone

How To Know If You Have An Emotional Connection With Someone

What is an emotional connection? 

An emotional connection is a feeling of alignment and intimacy between two people that goes beyond just physical attraction, having fun together, surface-level conversations, or even intellectual similarities. Instead, it feels like you're connecting on a deeper soul level—and feel secure connecting that deeply.

"Just like children, adults need to feel a secure attachment to another adult," couples therapist Josie Rosario, LMSW, MSed, explains to mbg. "That means it's important for us to know that someone will be consistently available, especially in time of physical or emotional needs."

Think of it this way: This type of connection imbues the relationship with emotional texture, adding an essential feeling of security that establishes a foundation for genuine intimacy to blossom. When we feel unsafe to let down our guard, the bond between couples can be superficial at best. "As humans, the need for emotional connection is wired into our survival," adds licensed psychologist Justine Grosso, Psy.D. "It helps us feel a greater sense of belonging, which facilitates general well-being."

Signs of an emotional connection


You care about each other's needs and desires

You know you have an emotional connection with someone when you care about their needs and they care about yours. "When there is an emotional connection with someone, you want them to be happy," therapist Tracie Pinnock, LMFT, tells mbg. "The fulfillment of one's desire is a major part of being happy. Therefore, an emotional connection to someone naturally results in you wanting them to get the things they want in life."


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You share openly

When you have an emotional connection with someone, you feel comfortable sharing your values, beliefs, and dreams with each other so you can support and champion one another.

Ask yourself these questions: Are you speaking freely? Are there things that you hold back from the conversation? If you feel nervous that you will scare them away by revealing too much; take note of that emotion and question why you're hesitating to open up. 


You don't just hear each other; you really listen

When your partner comes to you with troubles or concerns, you find yourself creating space for them to air it out. By stopping activity—turning off the game or putting your cellphone away—and diverting your full attention to them, it helps your partner fully open up. The same goes for when you're the one who needs help.

If we don't feel heard, it can lead to feelings of shame or abandonment. Active listening demonstrates a real emotional connection. "Active listening includes being present with and paying attention to the person talking, as well as demonstrating you are listening through eye contact and head nods," Grosso says. 


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You know each other deeply

You don't just engage in the superficial aspects of someone's personality. You take it a step further, giving someone access to the parts of yourself that you typically reserve for your loved ones. People searching for an emotional connection want depth and to sincerely know their partner, flaws and all. 

After you share the embarrassing childhood memories, over time, the sharing gets deeper and deeper, leading to mutual trust, respect, and deep understanding. "You're able to be vulnerable and share deeper parts of yourself," Rosario explains. 


You're interested in each other's hobbies, even if you don't "get" it

"Your partner's interests may not be things that you are naturally drawn to, but when we have an emotional connection to someone, we often find ourselves wanting to at least educate ourselves about someone of their interests as a way to be closer to them," Pinnock explains. 

For example, your partner loves experimental music and going out to shows every weekend. While it's not your favorite music, you still tag along because you want to spend time with them, even though you don't quite understand it. It may seem like a small effort, but those small acts are the very building blocks you need to nurture a strong relationship. By taking an active interest in each other's hobbies—asking them about it or planning dates you know they will love—it's another way you're demonstrating, I see you. 


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It's all about the little details

They know what you like in your coffee order (and yes, your oat milk preferences) and how your cat always wakes you up in the morning at 4 a.m. They're legitimately invested in your day-to-day life. 

According to Pinnock, "You're not only curious about things that have happened to them over their lifetime; you're interested in their daily, mundane experiences. What they ate for lunch that day, what their annoying co-worker said. Knowing the little details of our partner's life strengthens emotional connection because it helps to build intimacy, trust, and familiarity."


It's a judgment-free zone

"You both know how to help the other feel seen and heard, without judgment. Instead of jumping in with problem-solving and 'fixing' their emotions, you use validating statements that hold space for their emotional experience—whether it's pleasant or painful," says Grosso. 

It's scary to put yourself out there and not know how the other person will respond. That's why it's so much sweeter when those very emotions are received and accepted with care. 


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You can find the silver lining in conflict

"Having an emotional connection does not mean you won't disagree or have conflict. It is important to learn how to stay present, cope with emotional flooding, and be respectful during conflict," explains Grosso.

Confrontation can be intense, but if you both want the relationship to work, you both take it as a creative challenge. You know it doesn't have to be contentious but instead serves as an opportunity to have a constructive interaction and address issues that can improve the relationship. By being honest with each other, it helps you develop deeper levels of trust, which improves intimacy.

"Pro tips: Use lots of 'I' language, validation, and learn how to apologize well," advises Grosso. 


You are sympathetic to their experiences

"If you care for someone and the two of you have an emotional connection, you care what happens to them and in a lot of ways," Pinnock says. "What happens to them happens to you." Having this perspective will squarely put you two together on the same team, adding more intensity to your shared bond. 


It's truly a 50/50 partnership

Relationships can only flourish if there's an equal effort by both parties. You can tell if you are the only one putting in all of the effort. It will feel like a one-way relationship...because it is. With you both putting in equivalent time and effort, it will strengthen the bond. 


You feel seen and understood

They finish your sentences. You can have a full conversation with one look. Communication is easy and, for the most part, effortless. That's because, when you have an emotional connection, "you actually like each other, your values align, and you share a lot of similarities," says Rosario.


You know yourself well

"Before you can develop an emotional connection with someone else, you need to have one with yourself. This means you are able to identify and name your emotions, needs, and desires," Grosso explains. It's hard to feel an emotional connection to someone when you don't understand your own emotions and values.

To be emotionally connected with your own core values is to be emotionally intelligent and self-aware. By having this deep sense of knowing what you want and don't want, it will help you stay grounded and not easily sway in the face of someone else's preferences.  

How important is an emotional connection in a relationship?

Relationships cannot thrive without an emotional connection between the partners. "An emotional connection is of the utmost importance in a relationship. Think of it as the anchor in the relationship that allows a partnership to weather any storm and sail seamlessly on calm waters," asserts Rosario. "We are hardwired for connection, and as such, it makes us feel safe and secure, like we are seen, heard, and taken in." 

Simply said, without an emotional connection, we can't get close to someone. To get started, here's how to emotionally connect with someone, plus what to do when you don't feel connected to your partner. By understanding the signals that cultivate a true bond—or detract from it—this will help us invite and invest in growth-oriented relationships that will only serve our highest self.

15 Signs You Have an Unexplainable Connection With Someone

In This Article

How does it feel to have an unexplainable connection with someone? 

Here’s an abridged answer for you. When you feel an unexplainable connection with someone, one of the first things you would notice is the feeling of “I have known this person forever,” even if you just only met them. 

Having an instant connection with someone you just met is usually a sign that you can pursue something bigger with them (like a relationship or whatever floats your boat).  

Feeling soul connection signs when you’ve barely just met someone can be overwhelming. Scratch that! Feeling the signs of a strong connection with anyone at all (even if they are your friend from high school) can leave you flustered and confused about the next steps to take. 

That is why this article is written to help you. 

In this article, you will find out what feeling a connection with someone you’ve just met means. You will also discover what to do when you have a strong connection with someone. 

Then again, does being connected to someone mean that you must pursue something romantic with them? Well, you are about to0 find out if you keep reading this article.  

What does it mean when you feel an instant connection with someone

Have you ever just stumbled into someone (say, at a party or just around the corner), and after interacting with them for a few minutes, it just feels like you have known them your whole life? 

If you have ever experienced this unexplained attraction to someone, you know how thrilling it can feel. 

First off, you are not all by yourself. 

Although many people call this strong and initial attraction to others many names, it is pretty much common. For instance, a recent survey of 5500 Americans revealed that about 34% of people report having experienced love at fit sight at some point in their lives, with 41% of men saying that they have experienced it.    

Feeling like you’ve known someone forever can mean a lot of things. For one, it could be that you are destined to be together (that they are your soulmate). Then again, these feelings can also be an indication that you are strongly attracted to them physically and wouldn’t be averse to the idea of pursuing a relationship.  

In any case, understanding exactly what you feel is vital toward deciding the best course of action.     

How do you know if you have a real connection with someone

As indicated in the last action, feeling a connection with someone can sometimes be a result of a strong physical attraction for them. However, to know for sure that you have a strong, deep connection with someone, there are specific signs that begin to show up almost immediately. 

Feeling an energy connection with someone? Keep reading this article for the signs that validate that what you feel is deep and inexplicable. 

When you feel a connection with someone, do they feel it too

There’s almost nothing worse than feeling an unexplainable connection with someone, only to discover sometime along the line that whatever you were feeling was just one-sided.

Ouch! That hurts.  

The thing is, while it sounds exciting to answer his question with a “yes,” that is not always the case. It is possible for both of you to feel a strong connection almost immediately, but this isn’t guaranteed. 

Experiencing these feelings all by yourself can be the result of personal incompatibility, or it could just be because the person doesn’t feel the same way.

In summary, the feeling could be one-sided. 

What is a divine connection with someone?

When you have a spiritual connection, you share a deep, honest, and unexplainable connection with someone. This is usually characterized by a soulmate psychic connection, where it feels like they were predestined by the supernatural to come into your life.    

Feeling a connection with someone you’ve just met, especially if that connection is deep and unexplainable is usually considered as “divine.” 

15 signs you have an unexplainable connection with someone 

Leave all the “butterflies in your stomach” and “flustered feeling” aside, how exactly do you tell that you have an unexplainable connection with someone? Well, here are 15 clear signs you should be looking out for.  

1. You just feel it

Well, it is called ‘unexplainable’ for a reason. One of the first signs that you have  an unexplainable connection with someone is that you just feel it from the second you meet them. The first few minutes you spend with them feel almost magical.

2. You feel comfortable showing them your true self

Humans tend to put their best foot forward immediately. In a bid to impress people and make them think of us in a good light, most people pay close attention to how they behave when they meet new people. 

However, when you have an unexplainable connection with someone, you find yourself being comfortable with them almost immediately. The need to impress them (and maybe even lose your authenticity at the same time) flies out the door. 

Related Reading: 30 Signs You’re Getting Too Comfortable In A Relationship

3. Your conversations are never boring

“Uhm…” and awkward silences don’t characterize your conversions when you hang out with them. Even if you are just meeting yourselves for the first time, one of the things you would notice is how easy it is for you to start and hold conversations flawlessly. 

You don’t need to force it as there are always more exciting topics to discuss every time you get together.  

4. You are attuned to them 

For some reason, it usually feels like you are dialed into their mental frequency every time you are with them. A strong connection to someone you barely know is usually characterized by your ability to read their non-verbal cues, even more than usual.       

You can tell when they are happy, sad, irritated, or satisfied with something. Considering this mental state, it is even easier to get along with them.

Also Try: How Well Do You Connect with Your Partner?

5. You learn so much from them 

Even when they do not consciously set out to teach you anything, you end up learning so much from them. Every time you hang out, you get exposed to new things; both big and small things.  

You may find yourself becoming much better with table etiquette, getting more conscious of your environment, becoming more observant to thank people when they do you little favors or any other lifestyle change. 

When you take time to evaluate what’s going on, you would be able to trace it back to the time you spent with them.  

6. You are not afraid to confide in them 

Something about them makes you loosen up and want to talk to them about everything going on in your life. Even if you have been a secretive person before, you may find yourself loosening up and confiding in them as time passes by.   

When you have an unexplainable connection with someone, the dreadful feeling of letting them into your mind reduces drastically.   

7. They introduce you to parts of yourself you never knew existed 

You may think you are an introverted person until you have an unexplainable connection with someone and they take you to the beach for a fun day out. One of the clear signs that you have a deep connection with someone is that they make you begin to relearn yourself. 

When you are all by yourself, it is a bit difficult to see yourself from different angles. However, when this person comes into the equation, they make you begin to learn a lot about your fears, your strengths, triggers, goals/aspirations, and the things that make you happy in life. 

One of the first thighs you would notice is that every time you spend with them turns into an intense self-learning experience for you. 

8. They are etched into your mind forever 

The thing is, not everyone you feel an instant connection with will remain in your life forever. 

Sometimes, the inevitable separation can be the result of life’s events and not any fault of theirs. Regardless of this, when you have an unexplainable connection with someone, you know you would remember them for the rest of your life – no matter what happens.   

Even if life tosses you to the opposite parts of the world, rest assured you would always remember them and the magical time you spent together. Then again, if the connection was mutual, you can also be comforted in the knowledge that they aren’t about to forget you either.  

9. You fit perfectly; just like the pieces of a puzzle 

Everyone believes they are complete in themselves until we meet that person who just snaps into our lives and makes us understand that we weren’t as whole as we may have thought after all. 

When you have an unexplainable connection with someone, one of the first things you would notice is how they complete you. They are perfect at the things you are lacking in, they understand your needs completely, and they are just as attuned to you as you are to them. 

As you spend more time together, you would notice that you begin to balance each other out. They become the water to your flame as you reciprocate by being the Yin to their Yang. 

10. Zero competition. Zero jealousy 

One sign that you have an unexplainable connection with someone (in addition to all the signs we have discussed already) is that you find out that you have no intentions of competing with them.  

This goes beyond just knowing where your life is headed and being comfortable in your own skin. It is more about the feeling of security that comes with being with them. 

When you have that divine connection with someone, you would find yourself honestly rooting for them. This automatically eliminates the tendencies o be jealous of them or unhealthily try to go up against them. 

You are constantly reminded that your success isn’t exclusive; that both of you can be successful, happy together, and still live the best of your lives.

11. You can’t seem to be able to get them out of your mind 

“Why can’t I stop thinking about someone I barely know?” 

If you have ever caught yourself asking that question, it may be a sign that you are feeling an unexplainable connection with someone. 

When you find yourself constantly wrapped up in thoughts of them, lost in daydreams about what it felt it be around them, and looking forward to the next time you would spend time together, it could be a sign that you have a deep connection with them.   

On closer analysis, you may discover that your thoughts are centered around figuring out ways to make them happy, make their lives easier, and just be there for them whenever they need you.    

12. You respect each other 

Without mutual respect, every relationship is doomed to fail. However, one of the signs that you have an unexplainable connection with someone is that you have lots of respect for them.  

You lay aside your personal biases and treat them as equals. This further fuels your connection and makes them even want to be with you. In the end, you are in a  loop of love, mutual respect, ad wanting to spend more quality time together because of how you feel when you are together.   

13. You are deeply involved in their life

And sometimes, the speed at which this happens can be alarming. You meet them and within the shortest possible time you have become an integral part of their life; not because you forced your way in but because they opened the doors of their life and welcomed you wholeheartedly.  

Becoming more involved in their life is a sign that the connection is deepening. This is because no one would allow you to become an integral part of their lives if they do not feel a strong connection with you. 

Do you find yourself spending more time with them? Knowing their preferences and decisions even before they make them? This could be a sign that you have an unexplainable connection with someone.

Related Reading: 20 Signs You Are Meant to Be Together

14. You’ve been through dark times together 

One way to know who really feels connected to you is to check out how they respond when there are hard times in your life. If you have been through hard times together and they have stuck with you till the end, it could b a sign that they feel the same connection you do. 

Nothing brings people closer like adversity; this statement s absolutely correct in this context. 

15. You see yourself committing to a relationship with them

When you finally meet that person you have a soul connection with, one of the first things you would notice is the inclination to want to commit to something serious with them. Even if you have spent your life running away from relationships and commitments, meeting your soulmate stirs something up within you.  

When they are in the picture, settling for a committed relationship no longer looks like a burdensome task. As a matter of fact, you would even begin to look forward to it. 

Related Reading: 15 Signs of a Committed Relationship

5 ways to deal with this unusual attraction

Here are 5 things you can do when you have an unexplainable connection with someone.


Put a name to what you are feeling

Start by defining exactly what you feel about them. Do you feel a purely physical; attraction or does it have what it takes to bloom into true love? Understanding exactly what you feel will help you define the next steps to take.

Suggested video: 8 signs of true love:

2. Determine if what you feel is one-sided 

The easiest way to get your heart broken is to act on your feelings without confirming if they are one-sided or mutual. To do this, carefully observe than and determine if they are displaying the 15 signs discussed in the last action of this article.

Also Try: One Sided Relationship Quiz

3. Talk to someone you trust 

This could be a friend or family member. Having someone else’s opinion on the matter is one way to ensure that you don’t make decisions that aren’t the smartest. Then again, take into consideration everything they tell you as you chart the next course of action. 

4. Give it time

Sometimes, step back and allow time to help you make sense of what you are feeling. The thrill of having an unexplainable connection with someone can b overwhelming. To prevent this, stand back and allow time to pass.

If you feel the same way after a significant time has passed and they are ready for something more, you can pursue what you want.        

5. Be honest; move in the smartest direction 

We already agreed that this may not always end up in a strong and committed relationship. If you discover that the feelings are one-sided, you want o cut ties and move on with your life. However, if you are convinced that it would work, feel free to give your emotions a shot. 


Feeling an unexplainable connection with someone can be overwhelming. However, to make the best choice, you must consciously evaluate what you are feeling and also consider the situations surrounding these feelings at the time.

It mustn’t always end up in a committed relationship. However, commit to enjoying it while it lasts. 

If, on the other hand, it blooms into something bigger, then enjoy…     

Just such a strong love: healthy feelings or addiction?

Urgent need to be needed by another person. Addiction does not bring pleasure from the opportunity to be with someone together, help or support, but, on the contrary, causes suffering when there is no such opportunity.

Previously, in psychology, there was an opinion that a dependent relationship is when one person in a couple supports in one way or another the dependence of the other (from alcohol and illegal substances to gambling), mental illness, irresponsibility and other unhealthy patterns of behavior of the other partner. Now, when they say that someone is in a dependent or co-dependent relationship, they mean that a person is very afraid of losing a partner, overly relying on his support and approval. The components of such an addiction can be difficult to live with, but nevertheless it is not the same as “dependent personality disorder”, in which people feel completely helpless without the support of other people. nine0003

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Most of us are in dependent relationships to one degree or another. We all rely on loved ones, we are waiting for support, we want to tell our partner how the day went, and so on. The difference between painful addiction is the feeling of one's own inferiority when separated from a partner. In this case, the relationship ceases to bring satisfaction and serve as a constant source of anxiety. Such feelings are a signal that the relationship needs to be worked on. nine0003

To deal with an addiction in a relationship, the first step is to identify the symptoms.

© Obsession, 2004

  • Desire to please

You constantly think about what else to do to make your partner feel good, so that he sees what a wonderful person you are. Does he have some problem? You immediately undertake to solve it. You think that your partner appreciates you precisely because you are always there and will be able to resolve any of his difficulties, despite personal inconveniences and risks. You don't care about yourself and are willing to renounce anything to show you care. It sounds like a perfect romantic concept, but in practice, after all this, you feel empty or even exhausted. This is a natural reaction of the body, since, acting out of a desire to prove our “necessity”, we experience great stress. In a healthy relationship, there are other motives that allow you to act without such emotions (and often more effectively). nine0003

  • Belief that if you make a mistake, you will be abandoned

You are constantly trying, working on yourself, trying to do everything perfectly. You believe that if you make a mistake, act stupidly, then your partner will definitely leave you, because he will not be able to stay with "such a person." You think that only you are responsible for the relationship and should try not to lose it.

  • Difficulty making decisions on your own

If you ask yourself how you feel or what you want, it will be difficult for you to answer. You are often not sure what decision is better to make, whether to buy some thing or not, what is the best thing to do in a given situation, so you constantly ask your partner, check with his opinion. You want him to show you how to do it.

  • Conflict avoidance

You'd better keep silent than complain. Why say something is wrong? After all, there will be a conflict, so you think it’s better to give in and not say what you want. It is difficult for you to express your feelings, experiences and dissatisfaction. nine0003

  • Desire to be with a partner all the time

You want to be with your partner all the time, spend as much time with him as possible. You have already forgotten the last time you met with friends on your own or when you went somewhere. You do not rest from each other at all and almost do not spend time apart.

  • Breakups cause undue pain

Parting with a partner is a serious grief for you. Just thinking about it makes you step over yourself and go against your principles. You are literally ready to do anything to save the relationship. nine0003

  • Desire to control everything

Since the most important thing is not to lose relationships, everything can be used, including total control. You are driven by the desire to constantly know where the partner is, with whom he is, what he is doing, what he is talking about, what he is thinking about. You need to be aware of everything in order to be able to influence the situation.

  • Negative

The biggest difficulty in dependent relationships is that most often they deny the real state of affairs, and the partner and the situation are idealized. “We don’t have any addiction, I just love him very much.” It is very difficult to admit that there is some heavy component in such an expensive relationship. nine0003

© Obsession 2004

  • Education

Our perception of ourselves is formed through the reflection of us by our parents. When a three-year-old girl spins in front of a mirror and hears: “You are so beautiful,” then she will know that she is beautiful. When she hears: “You are so kind, you helped the girl find the doll,” she will know that she is kind. Collecting such assessments of parents in our internal piggy bank, we create an image of ourselves. And if we did not hear positive comments from parents or, on the contrary, received a lot of negative ones, then we begin to urgently need to hear such assessments from the outside. It becomes necessary for us to constantly hear how good, valuable, important and so on we are in order to feel ourselves as such. Compliments are great, but it’s bad when it’s hard for us to feel good without them. nine0003

  • Child injury

Some severe childhood traumas, an early break in relations with an important person, for example, the father left the family and stopped communicating with the child, could have influenced the formation of a tendency to dependency relationships.

  • Trespassing

If the parents do not respect the personal boundaries of the child, then, turning into an adult, he may be inclined to fall into a dependent relationship. When parents enter the room without asking, take things, get into the phone or personal diary with checks - this blurs the boundaries of the child, he gets used to this attitude and either tries to act in this way in adulthood, or expects the same from a partner. nine0003

© «Obsession», 2004

If there is a lot of passion, emotions, strong affection in a relationship and everything suits you, why can it be bad?

  • Emotional exhaustion

Dependent relationships can lead to emotional exhaustion, as they involve great sacrifice, constant concessions and actions contrary to oneself. Not caring for yourself in favor of caring for others also leads to exhaustion.

  • Not quite my life

If you think about others more than about yourself, keep silent about your needs and desires, do not pay attention to their realization, try all the time to be not quite yourself, but to correspond to the ideal image, then life becomes as if not quite your own.

  • You can be used

Research shows that most cases of psychological or physical abuse by one partner against another occur precisely in dependent relationships. nine0003

© "Obsession", 2004

Such symptoms, of course, can manifest themselves not only in romantic relationships, but also in any other. The problem solving steps that we offer are suitable for working on relationships of any format.

  • Start by identifying your strengths. Their understanding will give great support in the process of working on yourself and relationships. For example, people who try to please others often have a highly developed ability to understand others, their desires and experiences. This can be used to enrich communication with other people. nine0020
  • Analyze your symptoms of addiction. Think about what you think are signs of a healthy relationship. What is important to you in such a relationship? How could moving into such a relationship enrich your life? Answering these questions will help you increase your motivation to work hard on yourself and relationships.
  • Learn to give yourself positive feedback and support. It's very difficult. Try to celebrate your victories, even the smallest ones. Praise yourself for them, even if it seems silly at first: constant repetition can help you become less dependent on other people's evaluations. nine0020
  • Think about what you do for yourself. Write a list of ways you can take care of yourself, make yourself happy. Maybe you have long wanted to go somewhere or try some new activity? Please yourself. Remember what brings you pleasure, what you like to do. Make time for your wants and needs. Try to do at least one thing for yourself every day.
  • Work on personal boundaries. Think about when you feel uncomfortable with your partner. When he raises his voice or speaks in a rude way, do you remain silent, but do you feel bad? So there must be a boundary here. How do you usually react to its violation? Think about what new rules you need to establish in order to feel better next time in such a situation. Do you want your partner to take a break before going into another room, or to apologize for being rude? Tell him about your thoughts. nine0020
  • Psychotherapy is best suited for working with addictive relationships, as it helps to track what is in the blind spot and get out of denial of problems. Most people in addictive relationships don't realize that they can do things to increase the addiction. The psychologist helps clients try new behavioral strategies to turn the tide and improve the quality of the relationship.
  • If alcohol, drugs, gambling and the like are involved in your relationship, then it is better to turn to special programs for working with addictions, for example, 12 steps. In difficult situations, it can be very important to see other people with similar problems in order to understand that you are not alone, to be inspired and to fight together. nine0020

In any case, working on dependent relationships first leads to an uncomfortable and difficult state, since it is very difficult to break such a familiar and comfortable order of things. But in the end, relief always comes, and life becomes better, since healthy relationships are a source of a sense of harmony, fulfillment and happiness.

Tags: relationship

What is love: 5 sure signs

“Why are you still with him (her)?” How many times have we asked this question to friends stuck in painful love relationships, how many times have we thought about what makes people cling to their burdensome connection ... Oh no, this is not love. But then what is love? A feeling that can make us happy forever? Of course not, answers psychoanalysis. Love, if it is real, does not give serenity. Even when the initial delight from the merging of souls subsides, contrary to popular belief, she does not calm down - she excites and shocks us, mysteriously weaving two destinies into a single plot that defies logic. Let's take a look at some of its facets. nine0003

1. To feel a mystery in another

Love is a mystery both for those who are seized by it and for those who become its witnesses. We see it, we feel it, but we don't understand it. Why? Yes, because the bonds that bind us to a loved one are inexplicable. To someone we truly love, we are attracted not only by his appearance (beauty, resemblance to someone) and not only by the images or values ​​\u200b\u200bthat he symbolizes for us (father, mother, power, money), but by the mystery, that we feel in it. It is impossible to call it in words, but it seems to be addressed to everything that we ourselves secretly keep in our souls: longing for what we did not receive in childhood, some kind of unaccountable suffering ... “Two people, even merging in a single feeling, they still remain separate people - each with their own inner world, their own secret, ”says Galina Berezovskaya, an analytical psychotherapist. nine0003

“Love touches that part of our personality that is unknown to us,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulet. - In the soul of each of us lies a particle of destructive emptiness that can destroy us. Love is nothing but the meeting of two sufferings, two imperfections. In love, we share with another person what is painfully lacking in ourselves. True love is expressed not by asking, "Give me what you have and what I lack," but rather by saying, "I love the path you found to healing, the way you deal with your trouble." nine0003

And here the legend of “two halves” has nothing to do with it, according to which love, uniting us into a perfect whole, thereby makes us happy! - When a person notices that, despite a love relationship, he still feels some dissatisfaction with life, he may decide that he simply has not found his “soul mate” and should change his partner. But this, of course, is not the case." To truly love means to admit: "I'm interested in you." nine0003

2. To be afraid of losing him

To love means to be afraid. And constantly. In his work The Dissatisfaction with Culture, Freud explains it this way: we fall into dependence on the other because we constantly need him to support us in our existence. Hence the fear of loss.

“Love involves risk,” explains the philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. - This feeling is dizzying, sometimes we are even drawn to reject it, to push it away: a person, fearing the power of his love, can destroy it or downplay its significance, plunging into activities that will strengthen his self-sufficiency. All this is to protect ourselves from the frightening power over us of another person. nine0003

After all, as Freud emphasized, Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you - I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other in a loving feeling; Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our "I" remains omnipotent. And since love takes us beyond ourselves, our "I" fights with it.

“It's hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. “Love always brings pain. It touches our very being—what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. Once alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected from the love-related impulse of death. But if we manage to overcome the torments and strife of love, we enter into a different, wonderful space, where the feeling is revealed with renewed vigor. nine0003

True love is not a business contract. Her fury is a danger to both partners. We should not forget about this if we are visited by doubts, if it seems that we have been “out of love”. If the other tries to pull away, it does not always mean that he does not love. Perhaps he is just afraid of losing himself.

3. Willingness to go into the unknown

In love, nothing is predetermined. “None of us can either guarantee the constancy of mutual feelings, or predict the future life and development of relationships with a loved one,” says Galina Berezovskaya. We habitually believe that passion first flares up and then predictably declines, but this is just a prejudice. Love in its development can also go in an ascending direction. nine0003

“When we fall in love, we enter a world in which will and reason have no power,” adds Monika Schneider. - And on this way we will have to go through completely different segments. Of course, having once soared to the heights of happiness, then by contrast we can feel that we are falling into the abyss. But if we are convinced in advance that love is always unreliable, this only means that our past prevents us from believing in ourselves and in another person. To truly love, one must almost believe in a miracle. Freud speaks of expectation filled with faith. It is necessary to maintain a fire that can flare up again without requiring an immediate outbreak. Embrace the unknown, be patient...

4. Feel desire

There is no doubt: to love a person means to desire him. Moreover, confirms Jean-Jacques Moskowitz: “Physical intimacy really helps us to love. Without an exchange of caresses in love, something important remains unfulfilled. Lovers who love each other deeply enjoy sex in a special way. In the act of love, the difference between the sexes disappears: the two merge into one. Their members themselves are no longer given independent value - lovers in moments of passion have one body for two. Pleasure is all-conquering." Without love, we can find relaxation in sex, relieve tension with pleasure, but in order to fully enjoy, you need to love for real. “When we love, we reach other heights of pleasure,” confirms Galina Berezovskaya. nine0003

And if desire weakens, does this mean the end of love? Not at all, Galina Berezovskaya is sure: “There are happy moments when it is enough for us that the beloved exists, that he simply is.”

However, there are women who separate love from sexual desire outside of such moments of blissful contemplation. “It's not that their feelings are weaker,” explains Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. - Against. They are afraid that, indulging in love too selflessly, they can disappear into it. In all likelihood, they are fettered by some unresolved problem of childhood, an ideal of love that is too closely connected with the image of the father. Experiencing a strong feeling, these adult women seem to become little girls again ... and what is happening is more like incest. For them, the image of the father comes to the fore, perhaps as a defense against the fear of dissolving in physical intimacy. nine0003

Such women seek refuge in love-adoration and are wary of sexual relations. They allow themselves to be tamed only gradually, passing through the stage of a less intimate physical connection - hugs that allow you to surround your loved one with caress, as if carrying him inside yourself. And when the desire returns, the sex drive inevitably follows. The ebb and flow of love never stops in its perpetual motion.

5. Feel the fullness of life

“To be loved means to feel that you have the right to exist,” said the philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre. True love is a unique feeling of the justification of one's being in this world, it is an illusion that our love is the only one. Love returns us to the position of a child, confident in his omnipotence, convinced that if he were not in the world, the world would lack something important.

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