Book love is not enough

Love Is Not Enough

Written By Mark Manson – filed under Relationships

In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called, “All You Need Is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love Is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then canceled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.

One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

Allow me to illustrate:

1. Love Does Not Equal Compatibility

Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process. Compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, but it’s true.

When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I’ve seen or people have emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion—they felt that “spark” and so they just dove in head first. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And then six months later, when she’s throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he’s praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation, they look around and wonder, “Gee, where did it go wrong?”

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions, and their worldviews in general.

Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you… well, as the ski instructor from South Park once said, you’re going to have a bad time.

2. Love Does Not Solve Your Relationship Problems

My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

And every time we fought, we’d come back to each other the next day and make up and remind each other how crazy we were about one another and that none of those little things matter because we’re omg sooooooo in love and we’ll find a way to work it out and everything will be great, just you wait and see. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the point where we couldn’t even communicate that effectively. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, love conquers all, right?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this:

This is how a toxic relationship works. The roller coaster of emotions is intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more valid than the one before, but unless there’s a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.

3. Love Is Not Always Worth Sacrificing Yourself For

One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.

But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it.

If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us a shell of the person we once were.

In fact, this is the paradoxical conclusion I come to in my Healthy Relationships Course in the Mark Manson Premium Subscription—that sometimes the best outcome for a relationship is for it to end. Some things are not worth sacrificing for. Some things just cannot be fixed.

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do with my best friend, I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend, I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.

But people should also look at it in the negative:

Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”

I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyway.

But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he’s still “between jobs,” he trashes the house while she’s at work, gets angry if she doesn’t cook dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she’s “spoiled” and “arrogant.” Oh, and he still ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She idealized love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled relationship compatibility. It didn’t. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. It didn’t. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.

And the truth is, it won’t.

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton’s acting career.

Or another situation: a man’s girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to make sure he wasn’t tempted by other women. This woman was like the NSA. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could see it wearing on his self-esteem. His self-worth dropped to nothing. She didn’t trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.

Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he’s in love!

Remember this:

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

Love Is Not Enough by Mark Manson – #NerdProblems

Kristin Downer May 10, 2020 Blog, Book Reviews, Books Leave a comment

Title: Love Is Not Enough
Author: Mark Manson
Publication: March 26, 2020
Publisher: Audible Original
Genre: Self-help
Length: 7 hours 33 minutes

SYNOPSIS: (From Amazon)

Best-selling author Mark Manson brings his signature no-nonsense wisdom back to the subject he started his career covering: relationships. Being with your partner may feel like rainbows and unicorns, but that doesn’t mean you have a healthy, functioning relationship. Sure, we all need love…but love is not enough.

In Love Is Not Enough, Mark’s first Audible Original, you’ll follow five real people over the course of six months as they navigate f–ked up romantic situations, ranging from dating app addiction to marital affairs to absurd fantasies. At regular intervals, they check in with Mark, share their stories, and soak up some advice. As you listen to these candid, funny, and moving conversations, you’ll learn how to stand up for yourself when you feel the most vulnerable. You’ll learn how our imaginations derail intimacy, how our deepest desires can lead us into trouble. You’ll learn how to open yourself up, and you’ll develop the courage to say and hear that necessary word, “no.” You’ll learn how to love. And you’ll learn that love is not enough.

REVIEW:

**A copy of this book was provided by Audible in exchange for an honest review. **

I was offered to review the audible book Love Is Not Enough by Mark Manson and I thought it sounded like an interesting take on dating. It follows a few individuals all going through different romantic relationships and how they manage that path.

I liked how Manson didn’t just preach information, but showed real life accounts of what he was talking about playing out in these relationships he was following. I liked how it was all different people from different walks of life and not 6 people going through the same story. It gives it a much more accurate view for readers. I love Manson’s bluntness and straight to the point way of describing things.

While I do love the delivery and the overall story, I wanted more. I wanted maybe more viewpoints. However, this is a self-help so help from those experiencing it is probably best. Maybe I liked it so much I just wanted more. Maybe a sequel? That could work.

As someone who doesn’t read non-fiction as often as I should, I found this an interesting book and had me thinking a lot about my own relationships. I think listening to it as an audio book even added a little something that would have been missing if I had read it like a standard book.

Overall, I’d recommend this to anyone who is curious about romance and that connection. What is enough in a relationship? What is there real goal? Check it out and let me know what you think.

STAR RATING: 4/5

Pick up your copy of Love Is Not Enough by Mark Manson on Amazon now for your Audible copy! Also make sure to add it to your To reads list on Goodreads and leave feedback for the author when you are finished.

Tags Audible Audible Original Audio Love Is Not Enough Mark Manson

About Kristin Downer

Super Mom and Awesomely Nerdy Lady who can’t stand to sit still. I ran a successful online radio show that brought fans up close and personal with their favorite music, television and movie stars. Now, with my hilariously nerdy partners in crime, I have turned to my first love, BOOKS! A lover of books from a young age, I now always have a book on me no matter where I go. Books are my therapy. Twitter: @Kristin_Downer

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Introduction

I studied anthropology at the university and later received a master's degree in the same field. More than forty years of researching the cultures of mankind, I came to only one inevitable conclusion. Marriage between a man and a woman is the foundation of human society. When children become adults, most of them marry. In the United States, more than two million marriages take place each year. Four million people to the question "Do you take this person as your legal spouse?" answer "Yes". Almost all of these couples expect to "live happily ever after." No one enters into marriage to become unhappy or to make their spouse unhappy. However, we all know that the rate of divorce in Western countries is in the region of fifty percent, with the largest number occurring in the first seven years of marriage.0035 [1] . When people get married, they don't plan to get divorced. Divorce is the result of insufficient preparation for marriage and the inability to achieve harmonious coexistence in intimate relationships. It's funny how we understand the need for education in all other areas of life, but we do not realize that we need to learn the art of marriage. People spend a lot of time on mastering a profession, and not on preparing for marriage. Therefore, one should not be surprised that in a career they achieve greater success than in family life. nine0003

The decision to get married affects a person's life more than any other decision, but people do it in a hurry, without any preparation. They just don't know how to make a marriage successful. Many couples focus more on planning their wedding than planning their family life. But a wedding lasts only a few hours, while a marriage, we hope, will last a lifetime.

This book is not about how to plan a wedding. This book is about how to build a successful marriage. For the past thirty-five years, I have been counseling couples whose dreams of a happy marriage have been shattered in the real world of dirty dishes, unpaid bills, unbalanced work schedules, and crying babies. Over the long years of working in this field, I have managed to help many people, and their family life has become happy. I am infinitely grateful for this fate. nine0003

I am convinced that many conflicts could have been avoided if the couple had prepared more seriously for marriage. That is why I decided to write this book. I want you to learn a lot from the mistakes of others - it's much easier than learning from your own mistakes. Marriage should be the embodiment of your dreams and be based on love and mutual support. But it is important to understand: such a marriage does not work out just because people got married. It will take time to discover and put into practice the techniques that will make your marriage happy. nine0003

People who get married do not plan to get divorced. Divorce is the result of insufficient preparation for marriage

For a person who is not dating anyone and is not going to marry in the near future, this book will show the way from loneliness to family life. For people who are dating, but not yet engaged, she will help decide whether to get married and when it is best to do it. And those who have made the final decision will learn useful techniques for building a happy family. nine0003

Looking back at the early years of my own marriage, I think I'd like to know everything I'm about to tell you. Honestly, I would listen. But in those years, the idea of "preparing for marriage" simply did not exist. I hope that my honest account of my own marriage will help you avoid the pain and suffering that Carolyn and I went through.

This book is not meant to be read simply. She needs to be experienced. The closer to your heart you take the realities that we will talk about next, the better prepared you are for marriage. Learn to share your thoughts and feelings honestly, respect each other's opinions, and look for reasonable solutions to your differences. If you ignore these problems and think that the euphoric feeling of falling in love will overcome all difficulties, you will fail. I would like you to prepare for marriage, understanding that this is the most important human relationship in your life. If you treat them with all the attention, then the dreams of family happiness will come true. nine0003

I would like to invite you to Startmarriageright.com, where you will find a lot of useful information both for preparing for marriage and for building a happy and lasting family. Most sources provide information for free, and I hope you will use them. And remember, your wedding day is just the beginning!

Gary Chapman

1

Why do we want to get married?
A successful marriage cannot be built only on falling in love

It seems obvious, but I didn't know it. I have never read books on family psychology, and my mind was not clouded by the realities of life. I only knew that I had such strong feelings for Carolyn that I had never felt for any other girl. When we kissed, I was in seventh heaven. Seeing her after a long separation, I felt goosebumps running down my back. I loved everything about her - appearance, manner of speaking, gait, and especially her brown eyes. I even liked her mother and volunteered to paint her house. I was ready for anything, if only Carolyn would understand how strong my love is. For me, no other girl could compare to her. I think she felt the same way about me. nine0003

With these thoughts and feelings, we were both filled with the desire to make each other happy for the rest of our lives. But six months after the wedding, they turned out to be as unhappy as they could not imagine even in nightmares. The euphoria has passed, replaced by pain, anger, disappointment and resentment. When we were in love, we could not even imagine that something like this awaited us. It seemed to us that those feelings would stay with us forever.

For more than thirty years I have been providing psychological support to future spouses. Hundreds of couples have contacted me. And I've found that most people share the same limited idea of being in love. In the first session, I often ask the question: “Why do you want to get married?” Whatever people say, they always name the main reason. And the reason is almost always the same: "Because we love each other." And then I ask a very dishonest question: “What do you mean?” Usually the question puzzles them. Many talk about deep feelings for each other that are completely different from what they experienced in relation to their other partners. Often people look at each other, look up at the ceiling, giggle, and then one of them says: “Well… Uh… Well, you understand.” At my age, of course, I understand - but I doubt that they understand. I'm afraid they have the same idea of being in love that Carolyn and I had before we got married. But now I know that a successful marriage cannot be built on falling in love alone. nine0003

One day a young man called me and asked if I could perform his wedding ceremony. I asked when it would take place, and found out that the wedding date was less than a week away. I explained that I usually have six to eight conversations with potential newlyweds. And in response I heard the classic phrase: “To be honest, I don’t think we need any conversations. We sincerely love each other. We probably won't have any problems." I smiled, but in my heart I cried - this is another victim of the illusion of "falling in love." nine0003

We often talk about falling in love as falling into a net or a love trap. When I hear these expressions, I immediately imagine hunting in the jungle. On the path of the beast to the watering hole, they dig a deep hole and mask it with branches and leaves. The poor beast runs without suspecting anything. And suddenly he suddenly steps on the trap and falls into the pit - the beast is caught. The same way we talk about love. We go about our business and suddenly at the other end of the room or somewhere in the corridor we see him / her. And - bam! - we fall in love, that is, we fall into those very networks of love. We can't do anything. Feelings are beyond our control. We want to get married soon and tell our friends about everything. Since they themselves live in accordance with this principle, they answer: "If you really love each other, then it's time to get married." nine0003

We often fail to notice that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are very different. Our value systems and life goals contradict each other. But we're in love. Such a perception of love can give rise to a colossal tragedy. And now, a year after the wedding, the couple are sitting in the psychologist's office and saying: "We can't stand each other." They are ready to leave. If "love" is gone, then "you don't think we need to continue living together."

Goosebumps

There is a state of being in love that I call "goosebumps". She sees him, and butterflies start to flutter in her stomach, and goosebumps run down her skin. It is they who force her to go with him for hamburgers, which she does not like. Sometimes this feeling disappears on the first date. She discovers something in him that completely kills her emotions. And when he invites her again for hamburgers, it turns out that she does not want to eat at all. But with another person it may be different: the longer she is in his company, the stronger the feeling of "goosebumps". And very soon it will turn out that she thinks about him day and night. Feelings become a real mania, and this person seems to her the most wonderful and beautiful in the world. She wants to be with him all the time. She wants to spend the rest of her life together and do everything to make him happy. nine0003

Don't get me wrong. Of course, these feelings are important. They are real, and I would like them to be preserved. But they cannot serve as a reliable basis for a happy marriage. I am not at all saying that marriage should be entered into with a cold head and without any goosebumps. These wonderful, warm feelings, the feeling of complete acceptance, the delight of touches are the icing on the cake. But you can't make a cake from just one cherry. When deciding to marry, there are many other factors to consider, which we will discuss in this book. nine0003

Falling in love is an emotional, almost manic experience. But the emotions pass, and with them the mania disappears. Studies show that the average duration of falling in love is two years ¹ . For some it lasts a little longer, for others a little less. But the average is two years. Emotions subside, and other aspects of life come to the fore, which we did not think about in a state of euphoria. Differences appear, and we often quarrel with a person who just recently seemed perfect to us. We discover that falling in love is not the surest basis for a happy marriage. nine0003

For those of you who are already dating someone and may be thinking about marriage, I suggest you take a look at the appendix to this book on page 190. I think that the main purpose of dating is to get to know each other for real and find out the intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual and physical basis of future family life. Only then will you be able to make a reasonable decision - to marry or not to marry. The exercise questions in the app will help you discuss these basics.

TALK IT

1. On a scale of 0 to 10, rate the degree of your "goosebumps" in relation to the person you are dating.

2. If, on average, "goosebumps" persist for two years, then, in your estimation, how long will your euphoric feelings last?

3. To what extent have you studied the most important issues of compatibility in the following areas:

•Intellectual dialogue

•Emotional control

•Social interests

•Spiritual relationship

•Common values

4. If you would like to explore these areas in more depth, use the questions in the appendix “Developing Healthy Relationships in Courtship” on pages 190–200.

Gary Chapman: Love alone is not enough. 12 of the questions that need to be answered before deciding to marriage

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about the product

of one love is not enough to build a happy marriage

He is a slut, and it cannot stand a mess. She loves noisy parties, and he can't stand crowds. He records every purchase, and she spends money without checking her card balance. Is their marriage doomed? nine0003

We often get married blinded by love, believing our partner to be ideal. But a couple of years after the wedding, we begin to notice all the shortcomings of each other.

For the last 35 years, Gary Chapman has been counseling couples whose dreams of a happy marriage have been shattered by a world of dirty dishes, unpaid bills, unbalanced work schedules, and crying babies. Gary is convinced that divorce is a lack of preparation for marriage and partnership skills.

He wrote this book to help young couples consciously take the most important step in life. By answering 12 questions from the book, you can build the marriage of your dreams. nine0003

IN THIS BOOK:

• 12 Questions to Answer Before Going to the Registrar's Office

• 5 Languages of Apology

• 3 Positive Conflict Resolution

• The Financial Plan That Helped Thousands of Couples Avoid Money Wars

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Gary Chapman is a world-renowned expert on family and interpersonal relationships. His books have been published in 37 countries and have helped millions of people fill their lives with warmth and love.

“Gary Chapman subtly pointed out the most important issues of family life, which are faced not only by couples, but also by professional psychologists. He put together simple, at first glance, things into a single puzzle, without which it is impossible to build a long-term relationship. nine0003

Alexandra Tolokonina, psychologist

Annotation

For the past 35 years, Gary Chapman has been counseling couples whose dreams of a happy marriage have been shattered by a world of dirty dishes, unpaid bills, unbalanced work schedules, and crying babies. Gary is convinced that divorce is a lack of preparation for marriage and partnership skills.

He wrote this book to help young couples consciously take the most important step in life. By answering 12 questions from the book, you can build the marriage of your dreams. nine0003

Lyubov Salunina

January 28, 2022

This book emphasizes the importance of a conscious approach to choosing a life partner, to marriage, to the seriousness of building relationships competently. It is interesting to note here that people spend a huge amount of time learning a profession, new skills, expanding knowledge in various fields of activity, but they are completely frivolous about the decision to enter into marriage and their preparation for family life. I totally agree. But it is precisely the conscious choice, the clarity of the future with this person, a broader view of the upcoming joint life and rest, overcoming the inevitable difficulties that are the key to the longevity of relationships. Therefore, it is important to engage in self-development, preparation for life with another person, to gain an understanding in general of what you want from family life, what kind of person you need, what compromises to be prepared for, and so on. In this book, which is great, you will find not only the topic of search, but also advice on maintaining relationships, you can find the keys to understanding your partner, understanding yourself as well, building relationships, maintaining your love and living happily. A very useful book! nine0003

Tatyana Rusanova

January 28, 2022

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It was very interesting to read this book. I would recommend her to all couples without exception. In it you can find answers to the following topics: what questions to ask your significant other before marriage, positive ways to resolve conflicts, how to write a financial plan

Sara Sara

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