Best ways to deal with a narcissist daughter

10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

My daughter who is 18 fits most of these (narcissistic) examples. For the last year, after her second suicide attempt, I have probably been way too lenient on her because of my fear of losing her. I truly feel at my wit’s end with her unfair accusations and manipulative behavior and have now had to reconcile losing her in one way or another in order to save myself. She lives with me. How can I support her while still enforcing safe boundaries? What strategies have helped others, especially when she wants to engage in a battle with me (at 1 am) and starts threatening to move out, sleep in the car, or harm herself?

This is an excerpt taken from a comment on the article Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. The mother is struggling with how to cope, manage, and deal with an adult narcissistic child who threatens to harm themselves. Her concern is very valid as narcissists have one of the highest suicidal rates of any personality disorder. Here are some strategies she can use to help both herself and her child:

Affirmations work. Narcissists need a daily supply of attention, affection, admiration, and appreciation. By giving them the affirmations that they need, their ego is boosted, their insecurities are tamed, and they feel noticed. Think of this a preventative medicine rather than a prescription afterward.
Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this increases productivity. The same should be done at home, especially when a narcissist lives there. Begin by adding 15-minute breaks into morning and nighttime routines. Find several safe places to hide that provide a time-out of sorts to think and reflect before reacting. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist. This break technique is extremely beneficial at counteracting that.
Focus on recovery. The process of recovery takes time, patience, and energy; time to invest in sorting through the narcissists abuse and trauma, patience to go at a pace that allows for healing and doesnt re-traumatize, and energy to release pent-up emotions, thoughts, aggravations, fears, and confusion. Some of this can be done alone, but much of this should be done in a therapeutic setting. This ensures the process is complete and lasting.
Use other narcissists. Point out the narcissism in others such as political, sports, and entertainment figures. Once the seeds of the narcissistic dysfunction are planted, it is easier to help identify the behavior in the adult child. This is even more effective when the narcissistic figure is on the adult child has little to no respect for.
Set absolutes. In the case of repeated suicidal threats, it is essential to seek out the assistance of a professional. A contractual agreement can then be generated that includes immediate hospitalization if a threat is made. For a narcissist, the embarrassment of being hospitalized is usually enough to keep them from making another threat again. But if they do, the agreement must be executed immediately and without extending a second chance.
Go to family counseling. The best type of therapy is one in which the parents and adult child are equal participants. If needed, siblings can be added to the treatment as well. This allows for a level of accountability for everyones behavior, helps to mediate between disagreements, and provides a safe place to vent frustrations.
Use the hamburger method. One of the best ways of confronting a narcissist is the hamburger method: compliment, confront, compliment. By sandwiching a confrontation in between two compliments, the likelihood that it will be heard and understood dramatically increases. Confronting head-on is never ideal. This makes the narcissist feel attacked and they become too defensive to be reasoned with.
Dont tolerate any abusive behavior. One of the main reasons for divorce in a marriage including a narcissist is the narcissists abusive behavior. There is no reason to tolerate any type of abuse. When dealing with narcissists, usually you should just walk away, hang up the phone, block them if needed, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance level to a more acceptable pace. Dealing with a narcissistic child is a little bit different, but you should still make it sternly evident that you will not allow any abusive behavior to continue.
Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the narcissist denies reality and instead paints an entirely different picture so believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
Dont lose your identity. Narcissists have a way of trying to transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their dominant ego dictates that others lives would be better if they were more like the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.

These strategies can help when living with a narcissist. Whether you find yourself related to a narcissist through blood or marriage, creating these healthy boundaries and limiting the amount of control the narcissist has over you and others will help to create a safer environment for all involved parties. Remember, if you are having difficulty on your own, there are always resources you can use to seek help, something you should never hesitate to do if needed.

Last medically reviewed on August 31, 2018

FEEDBACK:

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

Conditions
- Featured
  - Addictions
  - Anxiety Disorder
  - ADHD
  - Bipolar Disorder
  - Depression
  - PTSD
  - Schizophrenia
- Articles
  - Adjustment Disorder
  - Agoraphobia
  - Borderline Personality Disorder
  - Childhood ADHD
  - Dissociative Identity Disorder
  - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  - Narcolepsy
  - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
  - Panic Attack
  - Postpartum Depression
  - Schizoaffective Disorder
  - Seasonal Affective Disorder
  - Sex Addiction
  - Specific Phobias
  - Teenage Depression
  - Trauma
Discover
- Wellness Topics
  - Black Mental Health
  - Grief
  - Emotional Health
  - Sex & Relationships
  - Trauma
  - Understanding Therapy
  - Workplace Mental Health
- Original Series
  - My Life with OCD
  - Caregivers Chronicles
  - Empathy at Work
  - Sex, Love & All of the Above
  - Parent Central
  - Mindful Moment
- News & Events
  - Mental Health News
  - COVID-19
  - Live Town Hall: Mental Health in Focus
- Podcasts
  - Inside Mental Health
  - Inside Schizophrenia
  - Inside Bipolar
Quizzes
- Conditions
  - ADHD Symptoms Quiz
  - Anxiety Symptoms Quiz
  - Autism Quiz: Family & Friends
  - Autism Symptoms Quiz
  - Bipolar Disorder Quiz
  - Borderline Personality Test
  - Childhood ADHD Quiz
  - Depression Symptoms Quiz
  - Eating Disorder Quiz
  - Narcissim Symptoms Test
  - OCD Symptoms Quiz
  - Psychopathy Test
  - PTSD Symptoms Quiz
  - Schizophrenia Quiz
- Lifestyle
  - Attachment Style Quiz
  - Career Test
  - Do I Need Therapy Quiz?
  - Domestic Violence Screening Quiz
  - Emotional Type Quiz
  - Loneliness Quiz
  - Parenting Style Quiz
  - Personality Test
  - Relationship Quiz
  - Stress Test
  - What's Your Sleep Like?
Resources
- Treatment & Support
  - Find Support
  - Suicide Prevention
  - Drugs & Medications
  - Find a Therapist

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

Affirmations work. Narcissists need a daily supply of attention, affection, admiration, and appreciation. By giving them the affirmations that they need, their ego is boosted, their insecurities are tamed, and they feel noticed. Think of this a preventative medicine rather than a prescription afterward.
Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this increases productivity. The same should be done at home, especially when a narcissist lives there. Begin by adding 15-minute breaks into morning and nighttime routines. Find several safe places to hide that provide a time-out of sorts to think and reflect before reacting. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist. This break technique is extremely beneficial at counteracting that.
Focus on recovery. The process of recovery takes time, patience, and energy; time to invest in sorting through the narcissists abuse and trauma, patience to go at a pace that allows for healing and doesnt re-traumatize, and energy to release pent-up emotions, thoughts, aggravations, fears, and confusion. Some of this can be done alone, but much of this should be done in a therapeutic setting. This ensures the process is complete and lasting.
Use other narcissists. Point out the narcissism in others such as political, sports, and entertainment figures. Once the seeds of the narcissistic dysfunction are planted, it is easier to help identify the behavior in the adult child. This is even more effective when the narcissistic figure is on the adult child has little to no respect for.
Set absolutes. In the case of repeated suicidal threats, it is essential to seek out the assistance of a professional. A contractual agreement can then be generated that includes immediate hospitalization if a threat is made. For a narcissist, the embarrassment of being hospitalized is usually enough to keep them from making another threat again. But if they do, the agreement must be executed immediately and without extending a second chance.
Go to family counseling. The best type of therapy is one in which the parents and adult child are equal participants. If needed, siblings can be added to the treatment as well. This allows for a level of accountability for everyones behavior, helps to mediate between disagreements, and provides a safe place to vent frustrations.
Use the hamburger method. One of the best ways of confronting a narcissist is the hamburger method: compliment, confront, compliment. By sandwiching a confrontation in between two compliments, the likelihood that it will be heard and understood dramatically increases. Confronting head-on is never ideal. This makes the narcissist feel attacked and they become too defensive to be reasoned with.
Dont tolerate any abusive behavior. One of the main reasons for divorce in a marriage including a narcissist is the narcissists abusive behavior. There is no reason to tolerate any type of abuse. When dealing with narcissists, usually you should just walk away, hang up the phone, block them if needed, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance level to a more acceptable pace. Dealing with a narcissistic child is a little bit different, but you should still make it sternly evident that you will not allow any abusive behavior to continue.
Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the narcissist denies reality and instead paints an entirely different picture so believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
Dont lose your identity. Narcissists have a way of trying to transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their dominant ego dictates that others lives would be better if they were more like the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.

Last medically reviewed on August 31, 2018

FEEDBACK:

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC on August 31, 2018

The Power of the Narcissist: 9 Steps to Freedom

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Man Among People Man and Woman

The feeling of love that we experience at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic personality is experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to all.

This is called "love bombing". Then the tactics change - the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.

There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back.

When communicating with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for long - very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook.

1. Arm yourself with knowledge

The most important and first thing to do to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behavior and techniques.

You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won't be able to free yourself from their toxic hook - narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness.

Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless - they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.

2. Trust your intuition

Watch yourself — learn to separate feelings and deep inner feeling, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words.

Instead of listening to what they say, watch what they do. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior. Words are just a breach of your trust.

You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body tell you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening.

3. Don't put yourself in their shoes

Go back to where you belong. It's a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this - these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.

Don't try to guess what they have in mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations.

When you catch yourself trying to "get into the narcissist's head," do your best to distract yourself. It's hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they've taken over all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore the messages
For the narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into the swamp of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist.

Do not listen or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.

Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy. Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say).

5. Protect your property and savings
If necessary, start saving money. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.

6. Silence is golden
When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love — this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate.

Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel

You can't move them. They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible - don't tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.

7. Who are you?
Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, what you want to live and die for. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in a relationship - what we are ready to tolerate and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else's will.

8. Be patient
Continue to observe and analyze. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately. This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of "great love to the grave", "faithful" friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.

Liberation does not happen overnight. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Be kind and patient with yourself. You learn to act and live in a new way - rethink, clarify yourself and your life principles, move to a new level of relationships with others. Give yourself time to deal with everything that's going on.

9. Feed your soul
Help others, little by little, quietly and anonymously. Say something nice, even to a stranger. Fulfill one of your little wishes, just for yourself. Draw strength from religion if you are a believer. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that one day you will be free and the joy of life will return to you.

Text: Ksenia Tatarnikova Photo Source: Unsplash

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14 methods of manipulation and control used by narcissists

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Man among people Relationship crisis

Narcissists distort reality by misinforming, oversimplifying, ridiculing and sowing doubts. Many of them are fluent in the classical techniques of mind manipulation. In order to resist this manipulation, it is important to think critically and recognize in time the methods by which they consciously or unconsciously distort reality. Family therapist Dan Newhart lists 14 of the most common manipulation and control tactics narcissists use.

1. Appealing to emotions

Narcissists try to get others to give in to emotions (fear, guilt) instead of thinking logically. By appealing to emotions, they try to pass off false statements as truth. Since they are generally inclined to throw tantrums and scandals, this turns out to be quite natural for them.

Example

“How dare you argue with me! After everything I've done for you!"

2. Relying on "majority opinion"

They try to get others to comply because "everyone does it." Narcissists are well aware of the mob power phenomenon. For them, the number of “likes” on social networks and other indicators of popularity are incredibly important. A large number of subscribers, friends or followers helps them feel their own value. They use the power of groupthink and the pressure of the collective to their advantage, making it clear that anyone who goes against them risks being an outcast.

Example

"By the way, all your friends agree with me."

3. Black and White Thinking

These people present the situation as if there are only two choices, view the world in terms of "yes" and "no". Subtleties and semitones are inaccessible to them. They operate on the principle of "Divide and Conquer".

Example

"You are either with me or against me."

4. Unsubstantiated claims

Narcissists believe that they do not need to prove their point of view, on the contrary, it is the opponents who will have to work hard to refute it. They also like to take credit for other people's accomplishments, but they don't want to take responsibility for themselves.

Example

“I know for sure that I am right. This is true until proven otherwise.

5. Flattery and false compliments

Such people adore any compliments and are sure that others love them in the same way, and therefore they flatter them in order to convince them that they are right.

Example

"I couldn't manipulate you anyway - you're too smart for that."

6. Distrust of the words of the interlocutor

Not understanding what the interlocutor is saying, narcissists often pretend that what is said is simply absurd and not worth discussing. In this way they try to brush aside well-founded objections.

Example

“Do you really think other husbands are better than me? Do you think that other wives receive from their husbands even a small fraction of what I give you? You have no idea about the real world!”

7. Labeling

Narcissists like to label people they don't like or ideas they don't agree with. In a word, they seem to humiliate the other and cross out everything he said. This gives them a sense of power.

Example

“You always need something. You're just a loser."

8. False Compromises

They like to offer a "compromise" solution in situations where one can do either right or wrong. “Compromise” then turns out to be just a lesser injustice.

Example

“Okay, you won. I'll pay you back $50 of the $100 you borrowed, and we're even. It's better than nothing!"

9. Empty promises

Narcissists easily make promises without intending to keep them.

Example

“Your turn will come. Promise".

10. Quotes taken out of context

These people often repeat what the interlocutor said, taking his words out of context and thus trying to discredit him and force him to justify himself.

Example

"You always said that people should be responsible for themselves, so when the ambulance took you to the hospital, I thought you didn't need my help."

11. Ridicule

With the help of ridicule, disparaging or sarcastic remarks, unkind humor, narcissists put others down, showing that they do not take them seriously.

Example

“I've never heard anything stupider in my life. Do not embarrass yourself!"

12.
Consequence Intimidation
Such people often try to present some minor problem as “the first step on a slippery slope” that will supposedly lead to catastrophic consequences in the future. This is done in order to divert the attention of the interlocutor from well-founded claims with the help of far-fetched threats.

Example

“If I agree to help you, you will think that I am ready to do everything for you, and as a result, I will not live!”

13. Stigmatizing Opponents

Narcissists often label entire groups of people as inferior or dangerous to justify their discrimination or even destruction. The position “the end justifies the means” is natural for them, since they put most people below themselves.

Example

“They are all bandits, drug dealers and rapists!”

14. Use of formulaic phrases

They love simple phrases that serve as a universal response to any criticism, threat or pressure.

Example

“I am your last hope! You don't have anyone else!"

Learning to recognize the tricks that narcissists use is the first step to setting healthy boundaries that prevent you from being manipulated.
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14 methods of manipulation and control used by narcissists

1. Appealing to emotions

Example

2. Relying on "majority opinion"

Example

3. Black and White Thinking

Example

4. Unsubstantiated claims

Example

5. Flattery and false compliments

Example

6. Distrust of the words of the interlocutor

Example

7. Labeling

Example

8. False Compromises

Example

9. Empty promises

Example

10. Quotes taken out of context

Example

11. Ridicule

Example

12.

Example

13. Stigmatizing Opponents

Example

14. Use of formulaic phrases

Example