Abused men in relationships

Men Can Be Victims of Abuse Too

At the Hotline, we know that domestic violence can affect anyone – including men. According to the CDC, one in seven men age 18+ in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime. One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. In 2013, 13% of documented contacts to The Hotline identified themselves as male victims.

Although they make up a smaller percentage of callers to The Hotline, there are likely many more men who do not report or seek help for their abuse, for a variety of reasons:

Men are socialized not to express their feelings or see themselves as victims.: Our culture still clings to narrow definitions of gender (although there are signs that this is slowly shifting). Young boys are taught not to express their emotions, to “suck it up” and “be a man. ” Tony Porter calls this the “man box” in his well-known TED talk. This can be extremely detrimental to boys as they age, especially if they find themselves in an abusive relationship. Men may feel discouraged to talk about what’s going on in their personal lives, or they feel like no one will believe them. They may not even realize that they are being abused, or they might assume they should just deal with the abuse on their own.
Pervading beliefs or stereotypes about men being abusers, women being victims.: The majority of domestic violence stories covered by the media are about male perpetrators and female victims who are typically in heterosexual relationships. While we certainly don’t want to minimize this violence, focusing on only one type of situation renders invisible the many scenarios that do not fit this definition, including abusive relationships among homosexual, bisexual, and trans* men. This might make many victims feel like they don’t have the space or the support to speak out about their own experiences and seek help.
The abuse of men is often treated as less serious, or a “joke.”: We’ve seen this in action in pop culture. When a man is abused, many people don’t take it as seriously (in part due to the previous two reasons we’ve mentioned). The truth is, abuse is not a joke, in any situation, between any two people. All victims deserve support and resources to help them feel safe.
Many believe there are no resources or support available for male victims.: It can seem like the majority of shelters and services for domestic violence victims are women-focused. However, services for male victims do exist. Most federal funding sources require that domestic violence services be provided to all victims of abuse. Our advocates can provide information, assist with safety planning, and/or find local resources, if available. They can also help brainstorm alternative options if local programs are not meeting the requirements for male victims, including who a caller may be able to contact if they believe they have experienced discrimination.

No matter what your situation is, The Hotline is here to help, confidentially and without judgment. Please give us a call anytime, or chat online with us 24/7/365.

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Why It Happens and More I Psych Central

Contrary to popular belief, men can experience abuse in relationships — and it’s far more common than you think.

When it comes to abuse in a relationship, we typically imagine the survivor as being female.

What doesn’t come to mind as quickly is the idea of a man experiencing abuse. The truth, however, is that men can and do experience abuse in their relationships. This abuse can often go unnoticed, be severe, and create long-lasting problems.

If you’re a male experiencing abuse, you’re likely all too aware of this. And you probably feel alone, isolated, and possibly ashamed of your circumstance.

But you’re not alone. In fact, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 4 men will experience some form of physical abuse in a relationship during their lifetime.

And in my experience of treating men for almost 20 years, this figure is too low when all forms of abuse are considered.

Unfortunately, many of these abuse survivors will be overlooked because, whether we like it or not, gender stereotypes still exist. This means we’re predisposed to think it unlikely that a man — who’s physically dominant and likely more aggressive — could be abused by a partner (female or male).

But male abuse survivors are more common than you might realize, and the ways in which they’re abused can vary greatly.

How can something as serious as abuse in a relationship be overlooked? If a man is being abused, wouldn’t we know it? Wouldn’t we see it?

The answer is, probably not.

Abuse of men in relationships is a bit like a dirty little secret. People, especially the men who are living with it, don’t talk about it — even if they realize it’s happening.

Societally, we’re accustomed to hearing about women being abused by men. Unfortunately, history has given us ample reason to see this as an unpleasant but real possibility.

But a woman controlling or abusing a man? This must mean the man is weak and easily manipulated, right?

No, not at all.

But it’s this impression that often keeps men from opening up about their abuse and seeking help when they need it.

Of course, this assumes a man recognizes that he’s being abused. It’s common for those experiencing abuse to have trouble seeing it and be resistant to admit it.

For a man in particular though, admitting that he’s being abused in his relationship can be emasculating, making him feel he’s not a real man. So, he may develop psychological constructs — patterns of behaviors or thoughts — to help him minimize and explain away what he’s experiencing.

Men may also have a narrower definition of what constitutes abuse in a relationship.

Abuse isn’t just physical, but if you ask a man if he’s experiencing abuse, he may immediately assume you’re asking if he’s being hit by his partner. It’s far more likely that the man experiencing abuse is dealing with emotional, psychological, verbal, or even sexual abuse.

Many men who are experiencing abuse will themselves overlook any form of abuse that isn’t overtly physical and fail to recognize what’s happening to them.

This blind spot we have as a society for the relationship abuse men can experience means we fail to notice how much more common it is than we want to believe.

Although women can be physically abusive, this isn’t the primary way men find themselves experiencing abuse in a relationship. When it comes to physical abuse, women are far more likely to be the ones experiencing it.

Physical abuse by a woman is typically a response to physical abuse by their partner.

Verbal and emotional abuse

When a man physically abuses a woman, he’s viewed as angry, out of control, and morally wrong. However, many men have been rightly taught never to use their physical advantage over women in an abusive manner.

A woman who is abusive, however, might exploit this restraint by giving in to her own anger issues or manipulative instincts and becoming verbally or emotionally abusive toward her partner. This kind of “you can’t touch me” approach leaves a man unsure of what to do, other than to take it and live with it.

Sexual coercion

Men are also more prone to sexual coercion by women. So, rather than forceable sexual abuse, a woman may use sex as a weapon to try to control a man. This may take the form of:

withholding sex
promising sex or sexual acts in order to get what she wants
using sexual flirtation to control or outright hurt him

There may also be covert sexual acts — such as forcing fellatio or grabbing genitalia — that can be seen as a form of sexual abuse.

Because some men are responsive to acts of a sexual nature, they may not recognize this manipulation as a form of abuse. But using anything as a means of trying to control your partner, including sex, can be seen as a form of abuse.

Psychological abuse

Women can also employ psychological abuse tactics. These can include:

demeaning the man in their life
undermining the man’s confidence
causing the man to feel isolated and dependent

These can manifest in a few ways for the man, including:

being socially cut off from friends and normal activities
calling names or intimidating
interfering in family relationships
making unfounded accusations of infidelity
constantly monitoring calls, texts, and social media
exerting financial control and manipulating or undermining behavior — such as overspending

Additionally, a man’s children may be used against him.

Some women, who may have a strong influence over their children’s behavior, use this influence to negatively manipulate and alienate the children against the father. They may threaten a man’s access to his children or expose certain flaws or behaviors to his children that will turn them against him.

This is abusive behavior to both the man in question, as well as the children who are caught in the middle and being used.

So, if men don’t want to talk about it and may not even recognize it — and there are no physical signs like bruises or broken bones — how can you tell if a man is being abused in his relationship?

Actually, there are signs of abuse in men. You just have to know what to look for.

Consider the following for clues a man may be dealing with abuse.

Changes in personality. Any distinct change in personality in anyone should raise a red flag. It doesn’t always mean abuse, but it generally means something is going on. In a man, a change in personality — such as an outgoing person becoming withdrawn or a responsible, or a steady man acting in angry, wild, or irresponsible ways — could be a sign of abuse.
Being anxious or fearful about his partner’s response. Being regularly and overly concerned or anxious about how your partner will respond to you isn’t healthy. It may be a sign of fear that failure to please will result in punitive or abusive measures. This is true for both men and women and can result in a breakdown in communication.
Becoming overly apologetic. A person experiencing abuse may become accustomed to unnecessarily apologizing or overexplaining their behavior.
Needing to check in with his partner repeatedly. Along with becoming fearful of his partner’s response may come the need to check in with his partner constantly. Or, the partner’s need to keep tabs on him and know his whereabouts at all times. If you find that a man’s partner is checking up on him or has trained him to check in more often than seems reasonable, it may be a sign of abuse.

Depression. In men, depression can manifest as anger more so than in a despondent mood.
Alcohol or substance use. Men are prone to using alcohol as a method of self-medicating. They use it or other substances as a means of managing emotions and escaping. So, if a man begins drinking more than usual or starts smoking cigarettes or cannabis, consider it a warning sign that something may be off.
Seeming generally unwell. Men are notorious for their inability to express feelings. If a man is experiencing abuse, he may not know how to talk about it, feel ashamed of his situation, or stuff his feelings. This can result in an outwardly observable illness. In essence, the abuse is making him sick.
Low self-esteem. One effect of abuse that’s consistent amongst men and women is the lowering of self-esteem. Especially if a man seems to become unsure of himself in an area where he once was confident, he may be an overlooked survivor of male abuse.

These are not all the signs of abuse in men, but they’re some of the most prevalent. If you notice these in yourself or a man you love, it may be time to act.

Putting a stop to abuse in any relationship is difficult and complicated. It would be nice if it were as easy as just saying stop or leaving, but it’s not.

Ending abuse is also not something that’s easily done alone. Many people experiencing abuse — male, female, or gender-nonconforming — find that the support of family or friends, and likely a mental health professional, can help them make the needed changes.

It can be done, however.

Yet the initial step, which is possibly the hardest step for a man, is admitting the abuse exists. Once this hurdle is cleared, then change can begin.

21 brutal truths about relationships

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Man and woman

Photo: Shutterstock/Fotodom.ru

allowing us to find the most suitable partner for us.

However, when we sit down with clients and begin to wonder why something went wrong, there are obstacles along the way. The vagaries of love and its fickleness, our ideal ideas about it, and those cruel truths about relationships that are yet to be accepted.

If we only knew how to crack the code and access healthy and happy relationships, we would have done it a long time ago. But again and again, couples with the most complicated relationships come to me. Experiencing hellish torment, they understand that in some cases their love can no longer be resurrected. We conduct a "debriefing" after the fact.

So, here are 21 brutal truths about relationships that we have to accept in order to find true love.

1. Don't wait to be allowed. Let your partner go if you are in too much pain. Back off if love isn't enough. Take action if your gut tells you. Don't wait for the best time to come or for the best financial situation. Act now.

2. The next bus leaves in 5 minutes. Translation: if you were honest with your partner, and he turned out to be wrong or treated you wrong, send him to hell and move on. There is a lot of love and other people on the planet who are waiting for you. Look at this world differently. Stop thinking that something is always missing in it! Think about how many things there are in abundance.

3. No one can make you happy except yourself - this is another lie. Of course people can make you happy! They can give you such a charge of inspiration, give you so much strength! Why are we afraid to admit it? This tilt towards self-sufficiency is not needed, a balance is needed.

I'm not suggesting that you be vampirically addicted, but other people can really bring joy. Just let them do it

4. You can love someone even if you haven't fully loved yourself yet. It will be more difficult and require effort from both of you, but you can do it. Work on building love and trust in relationships, and don't close yourself off from life.

5. Stop berating your ex. Every time you "create" him again with your words, it's like letting his ghost into the room. You invite that person into your life again, just as you invited them when you created their image with your love. You fill this ghost with your energy. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.

6. The French say that in every relationship is "the one who kisses" and "the one who is kissed." These roles can be transferred from one partner to another, you can change them over time. Or in some relationships you will be the "kisser" and in others you will be the other way around. But remember: in a healthy relationship, if you sometimes give in to your partner's desires, you yourself get more.

7. Sometimes people leave our lives just so that we finally pay attention to ourselves. Elizabeth Gilbert's best-selling book says this wonderfully: "But I love him" - "Well, love him. " “But I miss him.” “Miss him so much. Send him some love every time you think of him and then let it go. You are afraid to leave the last pieces of David, because then you will be really alone.

The problem is that you can't understand that this relationship had a short lifespan. His goal was to shake you up, get you out of an unhappy marriage, hurt your ego a little, show you everything that's holding you back, all your obstacles and addictions, and then leave you so desperate that you have to change, transform your life. Such people come so that we finally pay attention to ourselves.

8. You may have several big loves and serious relationships throughout your life.

9. I have worked with couples after infidelity, those with money problems, lack of sex, poor communication skills and jealousy. And all these problems sucked the life out of the relationship, but they were not dealbreakers - "the decisive condition for terminating the deal. " Most of these problems could be worked on. The #1 relationship killer, in my counseling experience, is hurting someone who asked you for help.

10. Don't try to marry someone when you're still in love with someone else.

11. The most attractive to us are those who at the same time resemble mother and father. This filter lies deep in the unconscious. All we want is to be happy. But the unconscious wants us to be healed from those childhood wounds that once left us bewildered. And at the stage when we choose a person, at the stage of romantic love, it is precisely the unconscious that operates. And it chooses for us that partner who will help us grow, give us the opportunity to heal. Sometimes these relationships can be very painful.

12. Remember that you have been given this divine, amazing, sparkling life like a comet . And only you are authorized to decide how to spend it. You are free.

13. Sometimes the only reason you ever ended up together is to bring your beautiful child into this world! It took me ten years of self-improvement, forgiveness and active communication with my ex-husband to get to this idea.

14. He is attractive, he has a good job, great parents who like you. He will be a wonderful father. But he is often depressed, distant, and doesn't realize how wonderful he is.

She is very sweet, sexy, understands that you need privacy and communication with friends. She brings joy into your life. But she asks you about ex-girlfriends, often talks about cheaters, and would rather complain about her lack of confidence than do anything about it.

Lack of self-respect in any of the partners will negate the relationship , even if they have great potential.

15. Your partner is also worried about breaking up with you, but not like this, and perhaps for other reasons. How can this be? You shared everything together, went through a lot, he also hurts like you, right?

Don't be fooled by those who know how to admit their mistakes. Trust those who act and are responsible for their actions

This may be your first encounter with the harsh reality, but what happened to both of you leaves different memories and does not guarantee anything.

16. Love and partnership can take many forms. You can live a wonderful life with someone in whom you did not initially see a kindred spirit.

17. Some people can endure a lot in a relationship because they think that this is how they prove their love and devotion. But in fact, they tolerate it because they are too attached to a person, afraid to be alone, or committed to the idea that they are rescuers and heroes. If this is you, I have a message for you: love feels different.

18. Loving someone, not being in love is what it's all about. If you want to meet true love, you need to decide if you are capable of this.

19. Don't be fooled by those who know how to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. No one needs a constant parade of regrets and "forgive me." Trust those who act and are responsible for their actions.

20. My grandmother used to say: “ Spend 4 seasons with a person and then say that you know him . And definitely put off talking about the wedding for a year. Of course, I didn't listen to both of those pieces of advice. And - sorry, grandma, you were right!

21. The period of loneliness must be endured. This will be the best gift to yourself if you refuse drugs in the form of alcohol, Internet or workaholism. So your inner voice will become clearer, self-confidence - deeper, and the (temporary!) absence of another person nearby will allow you to see what a strong and wonderful person you really are!

About the Expert: Stephanie St. Clair is a coach who works with couples going through a relationship crisis.

Text: Anastasia Zaripova Photo Source: Shutterstock

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Winter beauty routine: how to avoid dry and flaky skin - 5 top tips Let's dwell on the psychological characteristics of a typical aggressor for a moment. Until now, when analyzing the behavior of men prone to aggression, I have placed particular emphasis on their infantile dependence on a partner and attempts to compensate for a dysfunctional developmental history by forcing a woman to take care of him as a child, that is, to give him what he could not get in childhood. I also talked about the lack of emotional control that makes such a man unpredictable and aggressive if he feels disadvantaged in any way. L. Walker makes similar observations, as evidenced by the quote below, but she is not ready to explain why women have such a strong need for an aggressive partner.

This is understandable: after all, such a psychological interpretation of the history of a man's development suggests that all infantile needs originate in childhood. L. Walker's research once again shows her paradoxical ability to describe the scenario of violence without explaining it: Another important distinguishing feature is the possessive instinct of the aggressor, a tendency to jealousy and obsession. To feel confident, he must penetrate into all areas of a woman's life. For example, in some cases, a man walks a woman to work, accompanies her to lunch, and at the end of the working day takes her home. <...> Despite the continuous surveillance of her every step, he nevertheless suspects his partner of some kind of relationship with other men or women (Walker, 1979:38).

An analysis of object relations in these situations, which remained behind the scenes, allows us to interpret the exceptional need of an aggressive-minded man for a sense of security as an attempt to force a woman who is currently a substitute for his mother to show attention and care, which he did not get in childhood. An aggressive man is like a primitive man, hungry and therefore cruel, who suddenly finds himself in a chic restaurant. His ability to restrain himself is negligible, and his despair, uncontrollable desires and anger with loneliness are so great that they force him to go beyond the norms and laws.

The paranoia observed by L. Walker and other researchers in male tyrants originates in the distant past, when parental objects left them to their fate. These subtle or repressed memories of rejection are so painful that a man is ready to do anything to avoid being abandoned again. He uses his independent style of action, activity and constant alertness to overcome his vulnerability. His paranoia is designed to protect him from the inevitable humiliation and potential ego decay if his partner leaves him. So his paranoid thinking plays the role of an early warning system, informing and protecting him from the possibility of such a turn of events.

It is very interesting that many women who suffer from the cruelty of their partners admit that it was the possessive instinct of a man that seemed especially attractive to them at the dawn of their relationship. The explanation for this is the thousands of painful rejections received from their own parents. Therefore, the lively, genuine and comprehensive interest shown by a potential aggressor is enthusiastically perceived by an emotionally underdeveloped woman, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Her self-esteem skyrockets thanks to his undying interest, which compensates for her hundreds of rejections received from primary objects. Naturally, her hopeful self diligently weeds out all signs of impending danger, which carries in itself a heightened, suffocating sense of ownership of her exciting object. If at first such close attention flatters her, then later it develops into horror from the realization that she will never be able to dissuade her partner from having affairs on the side. Time will pass, and the victim of domestic violence will be convinced that all her assurances of absolute fidelity cannot dispel the stupid fears and bizarre fantasies in his head. The realization that the partner has lost some connection with the real world often only binds the victim more strongly to the torturer, because she fancies herself the only one who knows about his strangeness. Her misplaced loyalty and sense of responsibility tells her that her mission is to keep him from being exposed.

Such a vision of a partner, in which he appears frightening and deserving of pity at the same time, of course, has precedents in the past. Many of the people who learned in childhood the bitterness of loneliness and the pain of punishment admit that they feel the strongest attachment to their parents and responsibility for them, namely for their weaknesses, despite all the insults and bullying received from them in childhood.

The next group of characteristics that are usually found in the behavior of aggressive men is associated with their inability to arrange their lives in the broadest sense of the word. Often a despotic man is afraid of the outside world, over which he has no power. He lives apart from his peers, his interpersonal contacts are rare and few in number. His partner immediately finds himself at the center of his need to control his personal limited and closed world. It is also the support of his empty, but grandiose claims for omnipotence, designed to compensate for his failures and failures in the "big world". His claims to special treatment for him as a star of the first magnitude are reinforced by acts of violence against his partner, which, in his understanding, is a clear demonstration of his power. The last thing that unites men who use force within the family is their belief in immutable truths and traditional values. Often the aggressors come from families that profess fundamentalist values, including the "natural" superiority of men over women. Religion or the "order of the universe" can be used to justify the dominance of an aggressive man over his partner, as if divine or animal laws have something to do with family life.

In the past of men who allow themselves to be cruel to a woman, as a rule, there is an event that distinguishes them from those men who behave adequately with women. Such an event is the physical violence they observe in the family of their parents. Again, I would like to caution the reader against the simplistic explanation offered by learning theory that one can learn to be cruel in the same way as one learns to tie one's shoelaces. Beating becomes possible in the context of emotional or physical suppression. Beating children feel humiliated, depressed, destitute, bitter and see the only way their father used to satisfy their inner emotional hunger, as well as their mother's hopeless attachment to the man who beats her. In the preface to Barnett and LaViolette, 1993) L. Walker cites some impressive statistics that reflect the impact that watching domestic violence has on boys.

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