Words for someone who is sick

It is heard: "I don't want to take what's happening to you seriously, I'm not ready to be with you when you feel bad, so I need you to feel good quickly."

Better instead:
“I'm sorry things are going so hard right now. I would really like to do something to make it even a little easier. What can I do for you now? what is better - to listen, to try to distract, something else?

8. “I wouldn't be able to live like this / I would die”

It is implied: “Living with an illness requires great strength and courage from you.”

One hears: "A life like yours is not worth living, there is nothing of value in it, die."

Instead, say:
“I'm very sorry that it takes so much effort to survive. And I understand that there are many important things that you want to do and try to do, despite the illness. If you want, let's talk about it?"

9. "Get well soon!"

(addressed to a person with a chronic disease - especially incurable and progressive)

Meaning: "I really want you to feel better soon. "

It is heard: “I do not believe that you have a serious chronic disease, and I believe that changing your condition for the better is your responsibility, you do not recover simply because it is beneficial for you to get sick.”

Instead, it's better to say:
“Hug gently, if you'll let me? May you feel better soon. I’ll be in your area the day after tomorrow, I’ll call when I pass by the store, I’ll buy what you say. ”

10. "God doesn't give a man more than he can bear"

Meaning: "I know you're in a lot of pain, but I believe you'll be strong enough to get through this difficult time." ".

One hears: “You get justice, God needs you to suffer for some reason, I am an expert on what God has planned in your life, and I don’t care if you believe in God the way I do or not.”

Instead, say:
“I'm very sorry that this is such a difficult time. I'm with you. Let's discuss - now or later, if now is not the right time - what I can do to make it even a little easier for you during this difficult period.

11. “You just need to… (go outside more, drink more water, smile, etc.)”

it got easier."

It is heard: “I didn’t delve into the specifics of your disease (and I don’t want to, because I don’t see the point in it), but I consider myself an expert on how to live properly for you, and I also consider you an idiot who did not find out on your own, What should he do to make himself feel better?

Better instead:
“I read about your illness on the Internet, and some things became clearer to me, but a lot became more incomprehensible. And I understand that different people with the same diagnosis have different experiences. May I ask you about what makes you feel better?

12. “Illness is a message from your soul telling you that you are not fulfilling your destiny” or “God is trying to teach you something”

Meaning: “I want you to be healed; I don’t understand why this happened in your life, and I want to find the answer to this riddle so that your health returns to you.

You hear: “I'm an expert on what you need to do and how to live. You live wrong, that's why you deserve sickness. It's your fault that you're sick."

Instead: “If this is not a very personal question and you would like to talk about it sometime, I would be very interested to know what do you consider especially important in life since you got sick? What would you like me to learn to see and understand too?”

13. "It's good for you, you can not go to work"

It means: "I want to cheer you up, help you find positive aspects in your situation."

One hears: “I can’t imagine and don’t want to imagine and delve into what it’s like to live with such pain and fatigue that you can’t leave the house, these endless painful hours, loneliness – and poverty associated with the inability to work.”

Instead, it's better:
“Sitting at home all the time, it must be sad and lonely sometimes?.. What supports and pleases you, what do you fill your time with to make it easier for your body and soul? Do you want me to bring you or send you (something that pleases)?”

14. "Hold on!"

It means: “Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, unfortunately, there will be hard times ahead of you for a long time, you are important and dear to me, I love you, I really want you to survive and cope.”

One hears: “You are alone in this, you have no right to show weakness, uncertainty, confusion, if you “fall apart”, no one will need you like that.”

Better instead:
“I'm sorry this situation happened. I understand that it will not quickly collapse (although I would like, of course). Tell me, will it be somehow useful and supportive if I write to you every day in a chat, for example, and ask how you are and why you are doing well today, or send good pictures, or both? And I can always whine, so if you need to whine, come and pony, dear.

15. “I read on the Internet that vitamin C helps a lot with your illness.”

Meaning: “I'm thinking about you, I really want to help you make it easier. ”

Interpreted: “She thinks that I was banned from Google and that I am so weak, infantile and stupid that I did not look for information myself and do not know anything about my illness.”

Better instead:
“I really want to do something to help you feel better, and I'm trying to figure out how your illness is generally treated. I read something, but I understand that everyone gets sick in different ways. I can't stop looking for options on how to help you, but I don't want to impose my findings if they are not needed. If you are interested in my findings, can you tell me what the doctors recommend to you, what of what you have tried works, what doesn’t work, and what you haven’t tried and won’t?” (This is an option if you are close enough people.)

16. “It's too early for you to have this disease!”

Implied: "I'm sorry that at this age you already have symptoms that we see more often in older people, I'm sorry that the disease takes away your opportunities. "

One hears: “You have no right to feel what you feel. Or are you lying, because at your age there are no such symptoms, I know, I know everything, I'm an expert.

Better instead:
“I'm sorry that you have this disease… I don't really understand how it affects you, which is difficult for you now. Explain to me? I want to know how best to help you."

17. “Did this happen because you (not) _____________?”

Implied: “I want to know that I and my loved ones are safe. Tell me, how can I protect them and myself, if possible, from such a disease?

One hears: "It's your own fault that this happened to you, so now you can clear it up."

Better instead:
“I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm here, I'm here."

18. “Come on, look, there, Stephen Hawking / Nick Vuychich (any celebrity with a serious illness or disability) lives the same, and how!”

It is implied: “I want to somehow cheer you up, to say that you have many resources and opportunities in life, I believe that a lot depends on your life position and mood. ”

One hears: “You are an egoist, your sufferings are insignificant and do not deserve attention, you must be “on the positive” all the time, because it’s easier for me with you, you must be a hero, and if you are not a hero, then it’s not interesting, you didn't manage to be 'properly sick' either.”

Better instead:
“I understand that sometimes it is terribly hard and disgusting for you to get sick, you get very tired of it. It's perfectly normal to stop and give yourself a break sometimes. Do you want me to hug you (at least virtually)? Let's sit in this dark time together, and then it will definitely brighten.

19. “All diseases are from nerves. Stop worrying and everything will pass!”

Implied: "I want to believe that health will return to you, I want more joy and peace in your life."

It is heard: “I do not want to delve into what is happening to you, I think that what is happening to you is not serious and does not deserve attention. I'm not interested in your life situation. The fact that you got sick is your fault, because you have a wrong attitude to life, but I know how to do it right.

Instead:
“I understand that illness brings a lot of uncertainty and stress. Do you want to tell us what is stressing and worrying you now, maybe something will clear up from the story, and we will figure out something that can be done about it?

20. “Would you like to see a psychotherapist, would you like me to give you the phone number of a friend?”

It is implied: “I see how bad you are, and I really want you to get better, I want to help, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to cope or make it worse, so I want to attract as many help resources as possible.”

One hears: “I don't want to listen to you, I'm bored, your problems are too terrible, they destroy me, I run away and eliminate myself. Someone like you will be paid attention only for money (and it doesn’t matter to me whether you have it or not). ”

Instead:
“I understand that you are going through a difficult period right now. You are my friend, and it is very important to me what happens to you. Let's talk, I hope this helps somehow - and if we feel that this does not help much, we'll try to think of something else we can try to make you feel better, huh?

From everything that I read in various sources myself and what my virtual interlocutors shared with me, I formulated for myself several questions that I try to have time to ask myself when I want someone -something to support:

1. How much do I consider myself an expert on another person's life? Do I think I know how he should live? Do I think that he himself does not know how he should live, while I know better?
2. Do I think that a person is stupid, lazy, banned in Google? Do I think that he chose bad doctors and is not able to distinguish a bad doctor from a good one?
3. Do I think that everything a person did until I appeared so beautiful in a white coat was wrong?
4. Do I feel that I can’t bear that a person feels bad (and may feel bad for a long time), and I strive to “fix” him as quickly as possible so that it becomes easier for me, and at the same time I grab onto the first idea that comes across in the information field, without bothering to figure it out?
5. Do I think that because a person is hurt and ill, he ceased to be an adult, became stupid, lost the ability to understand what is best for him and make decisions?
6. Do I consider myself entitled to explain to a person what God wants from him, fate, karma, etc. ? Do I believe that I have access to secret knowledge about this?
7. Do I think that this person is obliged to report to me about his condition and whether he follows my recommendations, advice and instructions?
8. Do I think that a person who is hurt and ill, and from whom no one has removed responsibility for his life and work, should spend time and energy on educating me (banned on Google, obviously) about his illness?
9. Do I think that a person has no right to feel what he feels, and in general I know what he feels, in fact, not what he thinks he feels? (about how wrapped)
10. Do I think that a person should be grateful to me through the grave of life for the fact that I am here trying to help him and support him?
11. Do I think that if I am upset, frightened and upset because of a person’s illness, he himself should console me in these upset feelings of mine?

I am trying to figure out how best to behave in order to support my loved ones living with chronic diseases and not offend them with some faux pas; and how should I behave when someone tries to support me, and I find it difficult to perceive the words that the person said as supportive. To understand how this can be done, I think, read and ask, and share with you the results of these studies. If they help you in some way, support you, I will be very glad.

As Arthur Frank wrote in The Will of the Body, “True caring exists where there is recognition of difference.” Of course, ambiguous statements are not always interpreted in the worst way. A lot depends on the state of the listener and what kind of relationship he has with the speaker.

Of course, those alternative words of support that I list are not always suitable for everyone. People are different, situations are different. This material is not a “recipe guide”, but rather a springboard from which you can push off, it is an occasion to seek and formulate what is right for you. In many cases, just saying good intentions is a very supportive option.

My biggest hope with this post is that it might be easier to talk about things that are hard to talk about, and that people who are already sick because of illness will end up in less social isolation. Because it makes people worse off.

We all say something that offends the interlocutor. And then, realizing what happened, we feel guilty. Sometimes we feel it's too late to ask for forgiveness. But always, even if the person we offended has died, we can write a letter, express how we feel, ask for forgiveness and take responsibility not to offend people in this way again. Such unsent letters heal us.

And if the person we offended is alive, we can edit what we have written and send it to him without waiting for any response. Maybe our recognition of responsibility for the pain caused will be healing for him too. Maybe he will tell us about it. Or maybe not.

We all sometimes find ourselves wounded by other people's thoughtless words. Sometimes they, like splinters, get stuck in us and continue to hurt. Here, too, you can take and write about what happened. First of all - privately, for ourselves, to express what we continued to carry in ourselves (and no longer carry in ourselves). It can be painful - like removing a splinter - but it usually makes it easier. The main thing is to treat yourself as your best friend, to sympathize with yourself and support yourself.

And here's another thing that will be useful to read about how to properly support people.

It is very difficult for us to find the right words — Pro Palliative

Test. Can you comfort someone in grief? Someone else's grief disarms, frightens, makes one move away. How to support a person and not make him even more painful?

When a person is struggling with a serious illness, his inner balance is very fragile. All forces are spent on maintaining self-control. And although disturbing thoughts are constantly spinning in my head, you need to continue to take care of loved ones, spend time with them, do various household chores: in general, live and, if possible, rejoice.

An inappropriate word, even spoken as if in support, can destroy this delicate balance.

Irina Novikova, a cancer patient from Samara, wrote about this in her social network account.

We have already published her essay about her personal experience with painkillers, pro and contra use of morphine. Now read about what words you can support and what you should not.

Hearing yesterday once again “Everything will be fine, hold on!” - flared up again. Of course, she thanked for the sympathy - a person sincerely says this. The problem is that it is very difficult for us to find the right words. And I myself sin with this “Hold on!” When I want to show a person that I empathize. In fact, these familiar and common expressions are not the best thing to say in such situations.

Personally, "hold on" doesn't irritate me much. Maybe it's because I'm really holding on every night? For a small palm, feeling it through a dream. And sometimes I whisper, “Hold me, son. Hold me".

Much more discomfort from this "everything will be fine." Yes, it will. I really, really want to believe it. Someday it will. But not me. Not soon with sons, mothers, relatives ... Well, it won’t, everything won’t be fine, and this phrase sounds insincere, even if a person really believes in a miracle, but let’s be honest, my situation is hellishly terrible, this phrase devalues.

But I also don't want to hear something like “I understand how bad you feel, because there is no chance.” I spend inhuman strength not to think about it, every day I understand anew, I accept it with peace, as for the first time. Otherwise, just lie down, grind your teeth in fear, shed tears and wait for the end, you know? In order to do ordinary things, you need to step over apathy every time, push it into the far corner. It is not necessary to remind me once again of the lack of chances, even to show how close my situation is taken to heart.

Irina Novikova: For me, this photo focuses on the meaning of support — when someone's heart beats next to yours.

Yes, I will feel warmer from this moral embrace, but I will cry not from an excess of gratitude, but mourning myself. And I don't want to bury myself in advance.

But the winner in the nomination "How to support, not to support?" - "Fight!". At least for me it's "Fight" like a red rag. Yes, I would be glad! How can I fight this enemy? Give it to me, put it in front of me. Fight in a dark room blindfolded, wearing headphones, with a clothespin on your nose against a professional killer who does not adhere to any rules. That's what "Fight" says to me. That is, by swinging a stick non-stop, he may be able to hurt him, but what are the chances that he, after playing with you, poking here and there, will eventually finish him off? Roughly, that's all.

And a bad result means that you fought badly, behaved badly, didn't believe enough - in general, whatever one may say, but samadura is to blame , you understand, yes, how do I hear this expression? No, not me. Many of those with whom we spoke on this topic. You see, many of us in one way or another already feel guilty about the disease. The irrationality of this guilt is not obvious to us, and there will always be someone who will say exactly this.

I know of cases where mothers of terminally ill children were accused of sins for which their child was to be paid. What can we say about an adult who certainly managed to do things in order to get sick: he didn’t live like that, didn’t talk like that, didn’t eat, prayed, loved like that ... And now he’s being treated differently, he doesn’t want to live enough, he doesn’t fight.

I really don't want to offend anyone with this text. On the contrary, I am trying to tell what words will help the person you want to support. Or rather, what words were very pleasant and necessary for me to hear. Often these words were spoken by complete strangers after seeing my story on the Internet. It would seem, well, what effect can words from outsiders have? It's just words. Nope. Not easy.

I'm with you.

I'm there.

I'm praying for you (even though I'm not even a church member), but don't "pray and God will save you." A person on the threshold, believe me, he will somehow sort out his relationship with his god or his gods.

Stay with us as long as possible.

I really want you to be cured / live / have a miracle - but not win!

I don’t know, maybe someone, on the contrary, needs exactly militant expressions like win, fight, etc., but most of the familiar oncologists admitted in a conversation that this moment of placing all the responsibility on you is unpleasant. You can be a mega-pro in your diagnosis, you can use all the latest methods, you can hold on to a cucumber and sincerely believe in a cure - this will not be enough.

What is absolutely not necessary is to try to cheer up with the example “My aunt had cancer and she was cured!”. Yes, I understand that people who are unfamiliar with oncology consider cancer to be a common diagnosis. And specifically in my case, I heard a lot of condescendingly surprised, “Yes, right now the lungs are already being transplanted, why won’t she do the operation?”, “Yes, my mother was sick, five chemo was completed and now she has been in remission for 15 years, and she, you see, has bad doctors ".

Just trust me: no two crayfish are the same. Seriously. A lot of nuances are mixed with one diagnosis, including the human factor, yes. Cancer cases are like fingerprints. With the same inputs, no doctor can guarantee that things will go according to one scenario. Therefore, your support in the form of an example will only cause irritation and a polite “thank you”.

Irina Novikova with her sons. Photo from personal archive

We also include support for treatment. These are various “Masha went through chemo, she endured it quite tolerably, so don’t drift, everything will be good” or “they say these are good pills, the cat was cured of the tumor, they will surely help” and so on.

What do I care how Masha endured her chemotherapy with her diagnosis and her body? I doze peacefully during chemo, and in the next room the girl is writhing from stomach cramps, and another neighbor drags her system to the toilet every 10 minutes ... In general, we forget support with examples. There is your acquaintance, there is his illness, his introductory, his character - and the words of support should be only his.

“Hold on”, “I understand you”, “The time has come” — how not to console Crisis psychologist, psychologist at the Children’s Hospice “House with a Lighthouse” Larisa Pyzhyanova - about typical phrases of consolation and about what is really behind they cost

Do you know what struck me? After the release of Ildar's video (a year ago, autoblogger Ildar gave Irina a car - ed. ) , many wrote to me and still write to me. Most of the writers are men. The same men who, as we often think, are old soldiers who do not know the words of love. Not able to formulate emotional experiences, but what is there - unable to experience these experiences. What kind of messages do they write? Girls also write, and I also read through a whiny veil. But over men's I cry a little harder. It is so unexpected, sincere and beautiful.

If it's really important to you not just to check in that you're in the know, then take a couple of minutes to write a couple of sentences. Personal. In these sentences, say what you value the person for. What in it delights, inspires, perhaps. And express hope that your relationship will last for a long time.

If you are close, then it's good to add something for which - and you know this for sure - this person worries the most. It warms my soul very much when my friends say that my children will not be left alone. For some, his work is important, for others, his trail.

Everyone has something that is the hardest thing to leave, something no one can do better. Make this load a little lighter. This is a subtle point, because there is an acknowledgment that the possibility of death is still allowed. Therefore, of course, you should be close and by communication understand that the person is ready to discuss his departure.

Yesterday I heard again "everything will be fine" about the CT scan of the chest and abdomen. Probably, if CT were different, I didn’t attach much importance to what I heard. But, alas. CT is bad. Very bad. The big question is whether I will see spring - so bad. And "everything will be fine" is a mockery.

The first thought that popped into my head as soon as I left the doctor's office was "Wasted!". Days, seconds, moments. On thoughts, emotions, actions in grayscale. From coal to dirty, but not at any point ugly.

And no matter how hard you try not to think about it, you still think, because these thoughts are inseparable from completely different ones “How good it was during these two years, thanks to strangers.

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