Having a open relationship

The Pros and Cons of an Open Relationship

Relationships
Love & Dating

Hint: Communication is key.

Stacey Laura Lloyd

Stacey Laura Lloyd is an author with a passion for helping others find happiness and success in their dating lives as well as in their relationships.

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Updated on 10/25/22

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Minaa B.

Reviewed by Minaa B.

Minaa B. is a writer, mental health professional, and founder of Minaa B. Consulting.

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Licensed Master Social Worker

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Relationships are like a great pair of vintage jeans: If they don't fit, they won't make you happy. One thing we know for sure is that, also like amazing denim, there are lots of different types of relationships. Love is definitely not one-size-fits-all. One type of relationship getting a lot of buzz lately is an open one, but what does that really mean?

What Is an Open Relationship?

An open relationship is one in which both parties aren't exclusively dating each other. In other words, both people are openly allowed to have other sexual and/or romantic partners.

Basically, if you're in an open relationship, you're okay with you and your partner having other love interests. Other than that, the rest of the "rules" are up to you and your partner. In a psychological study conducted by the University of Guelph, author Jessica Wood pointed out, "We found people in consensual, non-monogamous relationships experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships."

If this sounds interesting, but you aren't quite sure if an open relationship is right for you, keep reading to learn a little more about what being in this type of coupling entails. Here's what you should consider before opening up your relationship.

01 of 05

Say Goodbye to Monogamy

Look, all relationships are different, but the one thing that defines them is whether or not both parties are exclusively seeing each other or not. The whole point of being in a relationship is to enjoy yourself and your partner in whatever context works for you. If you both feel like your relationship would do better if you open it up, go for it.

If you've spent your whole life in monogamous relationships, an open one may feel a little strange, but don't worry, you'll get used to it (and might even wonder why you never tried this earlier!) You may feel a little guilty the first time you hook up with someone who isn't your main man or lady, but try to let those feelings go because you're not doing anything wrong.

Lawrence Josephs Ph.D., explains, "[Some] individuals may feel that monogamy is a prison that traps them in a permanent arrangement that is sexually frustrating and devoid of emotional intimacy. " If you can relate, that doesn't make you a bad person incapable of love; it just means that you may need different things from different partners.

02 of 05

Honesty Really Is the Best Policy

The only way an open relationship will work is if you're both totally honest with each other. Like a monogamous relationship, you'll discuss what you're both comfortable with when you define the relationship. People who don't really understand the concept of open relationships may make you feel like you're just getting permission to cheat on your partner, but here's why they're wrong: Open relationships grant both of you the freedom to pursue other people in a way that's based on mutual respect, open communication, and total honesty. In other words, you fully trust each other.

While you still have strong feelings for your primary partner, you're still able to have different sexual needs met with different people, all while being completely truthful and open with one another. We truly believe that the hallmark of a successful relationship is being able to tell each other anything.

03 of 05

Clear Your Schedule

No matter how many or few partners you have, you'll need to be able to make time for all of them. Regardless of whether you're going out for a long and leisurely dinner or just heading to their apartment for a quick hookup, you will probably need to keep a few nights open every week. Just like any other relationship, an open one requires time and effort.

For some couples, it means one main partner and other less significant partners, and for other couples, it means that both parties can have other full-blown relationships. Take some time to figure out what works for you, but either way, open relationships are a time commitment.

04 of 05

Feel Your Feelings

Even if you're super open-minded, accepting, and trusting, you may still feel a pang of jealousy when your partner comes home after a night spent with one of their other lovers. Jealousy is a strong feeling that may be hard to ignore, so don't try to pretend you're fine if you're not.

Believe it or not, it's not uncommon for people in an open relationship to feel a bit threatened or intimidated by the different people their partner may pursue. "Some of us might aspire to be successful at consensual non-monogamy and that, too, requires certain personality dispositions and interpersonal skills like overcoming jealousy and insecurity about consensual partner sharing," Dr. Josephs explains.

If you are experiencing negative feelings about your partner, talk to him, your friends, or a therapist about it. Sometimes merely acknowledging the way you feel aloud to another person can help alleviate the negativity.

05 of 05

Don't Expect a Quick-Fix

Whether it was on television or in real life, we've all seen a couple have a baby in the hopes of repairing their relationship, but that never works. If a relationship is doomed to fail, nothing will be able to fix it because it's simply not meant to be.

Like a baby, an open relationship can't save a failing connection. In fact, opening up a weak relationship will probably destroy it. If you want an open relationship to have any chance of succeeding, you need to establish a strong and sturdy foundation first. Trust us, if you're already feeling pretty insecure about where your connection stands, hooking up with other people won't help.

Are You Dating a Serial Monogamist? How to Tell and What It Means

Article Sources

Brides takes every opportunity to use high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial guidelines to learn more about how we keep our content accurate, reliable and trustworthy.

University of Guelphi. Open Relationships Just as Satisfying as Monogamous Ones, U of G Study Reveals. Updated July 3, 2018.

Open Relationships 101: How To, Dos and Don’ts and What to Expect

Unconventional relationships are becoming more and more common nowadays (example: I’m SURE you’ve heard of what’s going down with Will and Jada Smith. ..). Many people are coming to the realization that monogamy is not for them, and are instead turning to open relationships, or even polyamorous relationships, to scrath and itch that a monogamous relationship just can’t manage to. As open relationships are becoming more mainstream, many couples are becoming curious if this arrangement could be right for them. Almost any time is an appropriate time to consider an open relationship, whether you are newly dating or have been together for decades! Even as it’s becoming more common, we (as a society) still lack a social script for how exactly to talk about these things. So let’s discuss what open relationships look like, how they operate, and how they can help you stay committed to your partner.

1. What Is an Open Relationship?

While the exact definition of an open relationship depends on the parameters set by the people involved, it boils down to a relationship in which both partners have the freedom to explore sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people. In practice, open relationships can involve casual sexual relationships in addition to your primary relationship, or long-term, more romantic sexual relationships. Some consider open relationships to be a form of polyamory, while others think of polyamory as more of a group relationship/marriage situation. For our purposes, distinguishing between the two isn’t entirely important, because they tend to have the same requirements, risks and benefits.

2. Honesty

Honesty is the single most important part of any open relationship. In order to settle into a relationship that you and your partner are comfortable with, you must be honest about your emotional and sexual needs. You also must be honest about the boundaries you need to set in order to feel safe and secure. Honest and ~ open ~ dialogue will help establish the baseline of trust necessary for any open relationship. Being this honest can be scary, but it is absolutely necessary in order for an open relationship to work. Learn to embrace your vulnerability, and to tune into and articulate your wants and needs. Even if the open aspect of your relationship doesn’t work out, prioritizing honesty in any and all relationships is crucial to the longevity and overall happiness of the relationship.

3. Approaching the Conversation With Your Partner

Before approaching the concept of an open relationship with your partner, you should evaluate why exactly you want an open relationship (see below for appropriate reasons to be open). If you feel comfortable with your reasoning, schedule or choose a time when you have a considerable amount of time to talk things over. It’s important that you have this conversation when you’re both in a neutral state of mind (i.e. not after a big fight). You should start by explaining to your partner that opening your relationship has been on your mind, but that you HAVE NOT acted on these ideas. Explain your argument for being open, while reassuring them that it is not due to a shortcoming on their behalf. When approaching openness, it’s helpful to define what the term means to you, sexually open, sexually and emotionally open, etc. The most important part of this conversation is giving your partner time and space to process this proposition and to respond. It is also important that your partner feels comfortable saying no. You shouldn't pose opening your relationship as an ultimatum! If your partner is not comfortable with the idea, you need to respect their decision and move forward, monogamously.

Get step-by-step guides to navigating tough convos, unlimited 1-on-1 coaching and more open relationship help with our award winning relationship training app. Try free for 7 days.

4. Do It for the Right Reasons

Open relationships are the perfect solution for people who feel that they want something more or something different from their monogamous relationship. Some people are not fully satisfied in monogamous relationships, and instead need the emotional or physical intimacy of more than one person to feel complete. Other people look for open relationships, because they want to supplement their current relationship with something different. Perhaps you are not fully satisfied in a straight or gay relationship for example. If this is the case, opening your relationship will offer different ways to meet your sexual and emotional needs. These are both great reasons to look outside of a monogamous relationship, as long as both parties are excited about the prospect of sleeping with other people. Okay so now the bad reasons for openness. You should not start an open relationship to solve the problems of your current relationship, these problems will not go away, and will likely be magnified if you add more people to the mix. More specifically, open relationships are not the solution to infidelity! Open relationships require a huge amount of trust. If your relationship is suffering due to infidelity, there is probably a lack of trust that will be the downfall of your relationship if you transition to openness.

5. Set Sexual Boundaries

If you and your partner decide that an open relationship is right for you, make sure to create sexual boundaries from the outset. It’s important that this conversation explicitly outlines what exactly is allowed. Are you comfortable with penetrative sex? Oral sex? Kissing? Experimentation with things you haven’t tried out together? Talking through these boundaries will also help you to hone in on what you want from this sexual exploration. As the open relationship continues, it’s necessary to check-in to make sure that you and your partner are both comfortable with the agreed upon boundaries. Also, this should go without saying... but make sure you STAY WITHIN the provided boundaries. As we discussed, open relationships require a HUGE amount of trust. A key part of maintaining that trust is to act according to the boundaries you created as a couple.

7. Discuss Protection

Creating safe sex guidelines is a very important part of any discussion about open relationships. Make sure that you and your partner discuss how you will protect yourself and each other in your open relationships. Are condoms required? What about dental dams? Will you both be routinely screening for STIs? Will you require your sexual partners to screen for STIs? Discussing protection will make sure that you and your partner both feel safe about exploring your sexuality. When you increase the number of people in your sexual circle you are statistically more likely to encounter STIs, counteract this fact by practicing safe sex with all your patners!

8. Set Emotional Boundaries

For many people it can be very hard to completely separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. When you have your discussion about sexual boundaries, make sure you discuss what emotional boundaries you need to set as well. Are you comfortable with your partner sleeping with the same person for an extended period of time? Are you comfortable with your partner going on dates with other people? Are you comfortable with your partner sleeping with people in your social circle? All open relationships look different and you and your partner may have different ideas about what is and is not acceptable behavior. Be honest about your emotional needs from the start, and create boundaries that respect those needs.

Starting a difficult conversation and feeling vulnerable is never easy. Our relationship coaches can give you the tools you need to help you set emotional boundaries. Start your 7-day trial today.

9. Create Parameters

In addition to setting sexual and emotional boundaries, it’s important to create explicit rules for the arrangement. How many partners can you have outside of your primary relationship? Does your partner have veto power over your partners? How much time will you allocate to your open relationship activities (for example, are Friday nights reserved for you as a couple?)? Should you actively or passively explore new relationships? Is this an indefinite change to your relationship? Or is it a trial run? If you discuss the nitty gritty stuff at the beginning of the relationship, you ensure that you and your partner are on the same page, which is really important! Even though you are opening your relationship up, this person is still your main person, and you want to make sure that they’re respected and excited about this new aspect of your relationship. These parameters can of course change over time, but starting off with some ground rules is always a good idea.

10. Make a Game Plan for Talking About Your Relationship

Establishing a game plan for how you and your partner talk about the open aspect of your relationship is a delicate and important part of the arrangement. Will you have a don’t-ask-don’t- tell kind of policy? Some people are completely comfortable being left in the dark about the details. Other people might rather know all the details to prevent paranoia, or to prevent their imaginations from running wild... If you decide that you will discuss your hook-ups with your partner, make sure to establish the appropriate amount of detail to convey. You probably don’t need to give a complete play by play (unless they’re into that), but you will never know your partner’s preference until you talk about it. Finding a happy medium might take some trial and error, but you will eventually get the hang of it, and this type of communication will become natural.

11. Make a Game Plan for How to

Talk to Others About Your Relationship

After you nail down how you and your partner will discuss the arrangement, figure out how you plan to talk about your relationship to other people. Just like in a monogamous relationship, it’s good to check in with your partner before sharing private things with your BFF. Are you and your partner comfortable sharing your open status with friends? Family? Many couples choose to keep their open relationships discrete, while others are A-OK with talking openly about it. Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page no matter what route you choose to take. Disclaimer: It can sometimes be hard to share your decision or your experiences as an open couple with your monogamous friends. If you find this to be the case, it can be helpful to seek out friends that are also not monogamous. Creating a support system with like minded people can always help you navigate new situations. Ask around, or turn to the internet to find ways to meet other people in open relationships.

Figuring out what’s right for you and your partner is challenging, but our relationship coaches have seen it all. Let us create a customized lesson plan unique to your relationship. Install now!

12. Avoid Lasting Jealousy

Whether your relationship is transitioning from being monogamous to open, or the relationship was open from the start, it’s important to periodically evaluate your feelings of jealousy. Jealousy can be common at the beginning stages of any open relationship, after all, these types of relationships can often bring to light insecurities, and possessiveness that we may not have initially been aware of. But, it is important to evaluate these feelings over time. Lasting feelings of jealousy will outweigh any potential benefit that comes from an open arrangement. In an ideal situation, initial jealousy will evolve into a feeling of security as you become more comfortable and confident in the relationship. But if this doesn’t happen, it might not be the right thing for you as a couple.

13. Check-In

Okay so I’ve kind of hinted at this one. I know we always talk about change, but that’s because change is a fact of life! When you open your relationship up and embrace polyamory, you’re inviting a significant amount of change into your relationship. It’s important to frequently check in with your partner to make sure that they’re still comfortable in and enjoying the arrangement. It’s crucial to create clear guidelines at the start of the relationship, but make sure to still leave space for the arrangement to change or for your partner to change their mind.

14. The Benefits

Okay so you might be thinking, why would anyone put themselves through all the emotional risk involved in opening your relationship? Afterall, it can seem like a big risk to take if things are going just fine between you and your partner. But, believe it or not, opening your relationship can actually help you stay more committed to your partner. According to Chanta Blue, LCSW, a sexuality and relationship therapist, couples in an open relationship tend to have more sex with their primary partner as well as with other people, which can strengthen your connection to one another. Open relationships require a significant amount of trust, honesty, vulnerability and communication to work. All these things are also important in monogamous relationships, so investing in these skills as a partnership will improve your relationship.

Having an open relationship takes serious trust and communication, and isn’t for every couple. Luckily, our relationships coaches are just a click away. Get started for free.

By Caitlin Killoren on Jul 24, 2020

With a degree in Psychology and over a decade of experience, Caitlin has made improving people's relationships both her career and her passion. Her work has been featured in publications like Bustle, Well + Good, and Goalcast, and she currently resides in Austin, Texas with her husband and giant fluffy dog, Remy.

6 Questions to Answer Before Getting into an Open Relationship

January 24 Relationship

This format is not suitable for everyone.

As children, we read fairy tales in which the prince and princess fall in love at first sight and then live happily ever after. But the magical plot is far from real life. In the same way that some people need a large circle of friends to discuss philosophy with one and dance with another in a club all night long, for many a single romantic or sexual partner is not enough. And then the idea of an open relationship may arise, when both partners, by mutual agreement, begin to look for love or sex outside the existing couple.

Whether or not to enter into an open relationship is a very personal decision. And, admittedly, it is not for everyone. An open relationship can be fulfilling or it can make life difficult. And not only because of the sidelong glances of others, but also because of the problems associated with jealousy and personal boundaries. Therefore, before starting a new relationship in “open mode” or switching existing ones to it, there are several important questions to consider.

1. What does the term “open relationship” mean to you?

When people first start learning this topic, they encounter a lot of new vocabulary. But there is a general term that most often describes most types of open relationships - ethical non-monogamy. This is an approach that allows for love and intimacy in a couple without sexual fidelity. In such an alliance, the basis of the choice that partners make is transparent communication and honesty with each other.

The practice of ethical non-monogamy takes many forms. For example, “hierarchical polyamory”, when a person has several partners, but he considers relationships with only one of them to be a priority. There is also “non-hierarchical polyamory”, when relationships with all partners are considered equal. Another form of ethical non-monogamy is swing. In this case, we can talk exclusively about sex, when a couple simultaneously enters into sexual contact with other couples or individuals.

At the same time, it is not necessary to identify yourself with a specific type of open relationship. Ethical non-monogamy allows you to rewrite the usual love scenarios, which means that partners are free to create any construction that will bring them satisfaction.

2. Why do you really want this?

Couples think about going into an open relationship for various reasons. The authors of an article published in the scientific journal Sexologies identified eight possible motives, including the desire to satisfy needs that are not met in a monogamous relationship, the desire to become part of a certain community, and even the desire to express one's political views.

Talking about what each of them is attracted to in an open relationship - more love, more sex, or a combination of both - will allow you to understand each other's motivations and determine whether ethical non-monogamy can provide what they need.

3. Are you trying to save the relationship?

An open relationship is not a "magic pill" that solves all problems. For example, sometimes one partner considers himself polygamous and the other does not, but thinks that he must agree to polygamy in order to save the relationship. In this case, the monogamous partner compromises with his personal qualities and ideas about the ideal relationship, and this will inevitably lead to discord.

The same applies to partners whose union has long since split, but they are too entangled or in a codependent relationship and cannot leave. The reasons may be different: the desire of one and the unwillingness of the other to become a parent, a conflict of morals and values, or the age-old problem of “love has passed”.

By studying open relationships, partners identify the strengths and weaknesses of their union. Sometimes they open up opportunities for personal growth and relationship development - and then they feel satisfied and happy. And sometimes ethical non-monogamy is the beginning of the end.

4. Are you comfortable discussing personal boundaries?

Being open about your needs can be difficult even in the most established relationships, such as with parents or friends. However, for people who "open" their relationship, it is incredibly important to know and respect each other's personal boundaries.

Partners will have a lot of necessary conversations about how everything will be organized. Where will they meet people and see them? Will they introduce other partners to friends or family and children? How will time be divided among everyone? All of this, and more, will need to be discussed to make sure everyone knows boundaries and feels comfortable.

Just because a person finds it difficult to talk openly about their needs, that doesn't mean they can't have healthy open relationships. In this case, he can start the conversation with his fears. For example, say that he is curious to try an open relationship, but he is worried that he will not be able to honestly talk about his feelings, and the partner will not respect his needs. If during such a conversation the partner does not show attention and patience, you should not start an open relationship, because they are impossible without free communication and respect for each other.

When it is scary to have such a conversation, one should gradually learn to build personal boundaries. For example, start by talking to a close friend about your implicit needs and say, “I love that we don't usually text after 10pm because I get up early for work. Let's make it a rule and consider it my personal boundaries?" The next step is to ask a not so close friend not to write after ten in the evening. Over time, discussing needs and boundaries in a relationship will become easier. And if the practice does not help, it is worth discussing the problem with a psychologist.

5. How do you deal with jealousy?

It doesn't matter if a person is monogamous or polygamous, jealousy can seize him at the most unexpected moment. Partners who want to try an open relationship should be prepared to analyze their feelings and consider when jealousy might be a problem.

For example, someone becomes aggressive or becomes withdrawn and refuses to talk about their feelings. And someone pretends that everything is fine and ignores emotions, although they devour from the inside. These are all signs that jealousy may interfere with the healthy communication that is essential for an open relationship.

Jealousy, like all other emotions, hides important information about unmet needs or problems that need to be solved. And she is a frequent companion of open relationships, especially at the very beginning. Therefore, it is important for partners to take a break, deal with their feelings, and then discuss them with each other. This is a healthy approach to jealousy that is good to practice before starting an open relationship.

For example, someone is frightened by the idea that a partner will no longer perceive the relationship as the main one when other partners appear, and someone thinks that he is not appreciated enough. In the first case, you can spend more time together, and in the second, you can share household chores or do something else so that the partner feels that his efforts are noticed.

6. Does your self-esteem depend on others?

We often hear about how important it is to love yourself first, and only then - the other person (or other people in the case of an open relationship). But finding self-love is a long and winding journey, and you don't have to go all the way to let other kinds of love into your life.

Still, people need other people. We need to feel approved and accepted, even if we are self-confident. Favorable attitude from the outside helps us to increase self-esteem. When someone evaluates us with a plus sign, our attitude towards ourselves changes and becomes more positive.

However, if a person is very dependent on love and recognition from the outside, this creates a serious problem. It will be difficult for him to cope with the situation when the partner stops giving him everything he needs on a regular basis, as before. The desire to receive more love from a partner (or partners) is normal. But self-esteem should not depend on this. Only in this case, ethical non-monogamy can turn into a "happily ever after."

what habits should be borrowed from those who are in them

What are the things couples living in an open marriage can do that people who prefer monogamous relationships are not capable of?

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Marriage and relationships

Love and relationships

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polyamorous relationships

polyamorous and monogamous relationships

American psychotherapist Jenn Mann, or Dr. Jen, as she is also called, has been practicing for over 30 years. “I consider monogamy to be the gold standard of relationships and I believe that limiting sex and romantic connection to one person creates a level of intimacy that cannot be achieved in any other way,” she says. And at the same time, Mann notes that there is a lot to learn from couples in open relationships, especially when it comes to communication.

"Recent studies have shown that people in non-monogamous relationships are happier than those who prefer traditional arrangements," says Dr. Jenn. “But you don't have to involve third parties to make your marriage prosperous. It is better to borrow the tools and communication style that are likely responsible for high satisfaction in a couple.” Here are the most important lessons to learn from looking at men and women who don't want to be limited to just one partner.

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Practice Total Honesty

“Non-monogamous couples I've worked with tend to be extremely honest when talking about their feelings,” Mann explains. - Together, they write a set of rules for their relationship from scratch, based on individual needs, and not relying on stereotypes and clichés. They tend to be very transparent about what they want emotionally and sexually. This clarity allows both partners to better satisfy their desires and gives them the tools to work together on complexities.”

"Wandering eyes," according to Dr. Jenn, are always a symptom of a serious problem in a monogamous relationship. But it cannot be corrected as long as it remains unnoticed. Only a person who is able to say, “I seem to be paying attention to people of the opposite sex,” can, together with their partner, figure out what is happening.

Review your relationship regularly

Non-monogamous couples tend to evaluate their union regularly and communicate their findings to each other. If one person feels that the connection is boring or the sex is boring, then he discusses this with a partner. Together they develop a plan to change the situation, analyze their relationship and take an active position, not letting everything take its course. Positive moments are not ignored either: people talk about what makes them return home with joy every evening, and how to preserve and increase such moments.

Set clear rules and boundaries

Non-monogamous couples, whether they are openly married or polyamorous, have many rules. Often there are far more of them than people who prefer exclusive relationships and rely on social standards, which at times turn out to be very vague.

The advantage of creating your own multiple principles is that you take the time to discuss them and you can make sure that both are on the same wavelength. You know what kind of flirting and contacts are acceptable and what is out of the box. Too many monogamous people ignore these questions and end up overstepping the mark—sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Talking about what you can and cannot do can prevent a lot of resentment and pain.

Discuss jealousy

Jealousy is a normal feeling that can occur in any relationship. Neither open nor exclusive marriages will be a cure for it. But non-monogamous couples are better at voicing those emotions, which helps them resolve conflicts, brings the couple closer, and reminds people why they appreciate each other.

Don't rely on each other for everything

"I'm a big believer in relying only on your partner and yourself when it comes to sex," says Mann. — But at the very essence of non-monogamy lies the understanding that you cannot count on your soulmate in everything, no matter how much you love and respect each other. This is a healthy perspective that most couples should consider.”

People often blame their partners for being bored or frustrated. But those who are in open marriages organize their own happiness. So maybe you are tired of your joint routine? Is there something you've always wanted to do on your own? Or is your man a good listener, but not the best adviser? Perhaps there is a person who does not threaten your relationship, but can satisfy some of your needs? You cannot count on one person to cope with them all.

Pay attention to safety

Those who have given up monogamy often sleep with several people, so they are accustomed to discussing issues of protection and sexual restrictions to protect their health. People in traditional relationships should adopt this approach. When you are not afraid of getting pregnant or catching an STD, you can relax, which means you are more likely to have an orgasm.

You may be a monogamist, like Dr. Jenn, but that does not mean that the experience of people who prefer otherwise should be completely ignored, sometimes it can be very useful.

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