Home » Misc » Is my husband abusive

Is my husband abusive


What is emotional abuse? | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”

“You know you can’t get anyone better than me. You are lucky to be with me.”

“Are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just attracted to someone who takes care of themselves.”

“You’re so dumb. I knew this would be over your head.”

Do any of these sentences sound familiar? If so, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Many people hear the word “abuse” and think of physical violence. Physical abuse is one type of abuse, but it is certainly not the only one.

According to  The Hotline’s 2020 Data, 95% of contacts stated they were experiencing emotional abuse. Emotional abuse may not be what most people think about when they picture abuse, but that does not make it any less real or less serious. Because of its subtleties, emotional abuse can be quite difficult to detect when it is being experienced. Emotional abuse is also a foundation for other forms of abuse. Often, it is used erode a person’s self-esteem and self-worth and create a psychological dependency on the abusive partner. Let’s look at what emotional abuse is and how to know if emotional abuse is present in your relationship.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Other times it can be more subtle, like your partner acting jealous of your friends or not wanting you to hang out with someone of another gender. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.

Over time, emotional abuse can wear down a person’s self-worth, confidence, and their mental and emotional strength.

It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.

For these reasons and more, it can be tough to detect emotional abuse and see it as a dangerous concern. Even then, survivors of emotional abuse are often hesitant to seek help or tell friends and family about their relationship concerns because they fear they will not be believed or taken seriously. Nonetheless, emotional abuse is serious, and it is not uncommon for emotional abuse to escalate to physical violence. In some relationships this escalation to physical abuse is slow, and in others it can happen rapidly.

So how do you know if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Here are some red flags:
  • Your partner name calls you or demeans you.
  • Your partner tries to control you, your time, and your actions.
  • Your partner tells you what to do and what to wear.
  • Your partner often makes you feel silly or dumb.
  • Your partner questions your reality and says that things that you know happened didn’t happen. This is called gaslighting.
  • Your partner is critical of your appearance.
  • Your partner is jealous of time spent with your friends or family.
  • Your partner punishes you by withholding attention or affection.
  • Your partner doesn’t want you hanging out with someone of another gender.
  • Your partner makes threats to hurt you or others to get what they want.
  • Your partner wants you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.
  • Your partner monitors where you go and stalks your whereabouts.
  • Your partner doesn’t want you to work.
  • Your partner embarrasses you in public.
  • Your partner does not trust you and acts possessive.
  • Your partner threatens breaking up or divorce to manipulate an argument.
  • Your partner wants access to your phone, your passwords, or your social media.
  • Your partner threatens suicide during arguments.
  • Your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating.
  • Your partner blames you for their unhealthy/abusive behaviors.
  • Your partner makes you feel guilty or immature for not wanting to have sex.
  • Your partner overloads you with compliments and gifts, and then uses that to manipulate you later (love bombing).

If any of these red flags feel familiar to you, know that you do not deserve to be treated that way and that you are not alone. It can be hard to decide what your next step should be, after learning that your relationship is not healthy. You might consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member to talk about what you have been going through. You can also reach out to our Hotline advocates to talk about next steps and options available to you.

We are here 24/7 via phone, online chat, and text to provide you with education, support, and safety planning. The Hotline is completely free and confidential.

Answers shouldn’t be hard to find.

We're here to help!

Focus on the Family - Focus on the Family

Since the Lord rescued me from an emotionally abusive husband a decade ago, I’ve spent countless hours in counseling, prayer and study, learning everything I can about abuse and — even more importantly — how to heal.

God has also used the darker parts of my story to help other women who are in or who recently left an emotionally abusive husband.

The more I learn and encounter others with stories of abuse by an emotionally abusive husband or spouse, the more convinced I become that choosing to seek knowledge and understanding brings God’s help and the power to move forward into health, freedom and life.

The path to seeking knowledge on abuse starts with understanding what abuse is. When those people affected by abuse see the situation more clearly, they are more likely to begin healing from the hurt and to help provide safety information for others.

If you suspect that you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org. Your safety is the most important thing, and they can help you with your situation.

How to know if it’s an emotionally abusive relationship

Geremy Keeton, senior director of the counseling services department of Focus on the Family, says:

Defining emotional abuse is important. The term “emotional abuse” is too powerful to misuse it in any way. Harm from another person’s selfish mistake or sinful action does not necessarily define abuse. We all cause others emotional pain at times (See James 3:2). And if we were to define everything that is hurtful or even harmful as abuse then we actually detract from the definition of abuse and dilute it. One of the key aspects of emotional abuse is persistent patterns — a system of power and control; a calculated degrading of another person. When this kind of persistent pattern (which includes a purposeful mindset and destructive behaviors) is present, the term “emotional abuse” is accurately used.

In any form, abuse is destructive. However, emotional abuse has been proven to be one of the most damaging types of abuse long term.

In fact, one study looked at survivors of emotional and physical abuse. They found that years after the abuse had ended, the hurtful words and emotional manipulation from an emotionally abusive husband or spouse actually caused lasting damage — even over the physical violence the victims had suffered. An emotionally abusive relationship can also cause long-term mental health challenges, including anxiety, chronic depression, PTSD and more.

Words matter. The Bible tells us that the power of life and death is in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). Research shows us this is true as well.

Common types of emotional abuse

The reality is that we are all capable of hurting those around us with our words and our actions. We all react out of anger, treat others with disrespect and can try to control the people around us at times. However, when this type of behavior is done repeatedly in a marriage, we need to start asking some hard questions to determine if it’s an emotionally abusive marriage.

In some cases, emotional abuse can be mistaken as benevolent control or innocent influence. Three types of emotional abuse that are hard to identify are gaslighting, retaliation and projecting. Emotional abuse may include threats, insults, isolation and more, but these three types can be some of the hardest to detect.

The following stories are real-life examples that highlight these three types of emotional abuse by an emotionally abusive husband. Each story will not only help you understand the type of abuse but will also help you see how abuse creates a recurring pattern.

Please note that both the names and identifying details of these stories have been changed to protect the victims. Hopefully, each story will help you see the difference between a healthy relationship and an emotionally abusive relationship.

Before we start, commit to make the call

If after reading the three examples below you’ve gained knowledge, sought understanding and see that emotional abuse is a consistent part of your relationship, it’s time to “make the call” — to get help.

  • First, call out to God. Be honest with Him and yourself about what you’re experiencing.
  • Second, tell someone else. Talk to your parents if they’re emotionally safe and a supportive source of wisdom for you. Call a trusted friend. Schedule a time to speak with a counselor. Let your situation be known to a pastor. Call the National Domestic Abuse hotline.

But don’t be like the person described in James 1:24, who looks in the mirror and goes away unchanged. Living the same way will never bring change. It’s time to make a call — for yourself or for someone you know. Don’t stay with an emotionally abusive husband or spouse.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting allows the abuser to avoid responsibility by denying reality, questioning the abused spouse’s sanity or lying.

Vanessa had been dating Nate for almost a year before she started to notice some red flags that indicated an emotionally abusive relationship. The main thing that bothered her was how Nate would respond when she’d bring up a past conversation. It started out with small things, like the time that Nate said he would come over to fix her garbage disposal, but didn’t. Problems gradually grew, like the time Nate agreed to pick up Vanessa’s dog from the vet when she had to work late — but he didn’t. Or the time that Nate had promised to take her nephew on a camping trip — but didn’t.

In each of these situations and many others, Nate would tell Vanessa that they “never had that conversation.” When she’d remind him that he’d agreed to do each of those things, Nate would tell Vanessa she was crazy and was making things up because he had “never agreed to do them.”

When Vanessa pressed the issue, it would lead to a huge argument. And Nate was so convincing that, over time, Vanessa actually began to believe that she was forgetful, unable to interpret their conversations accurately or even mentally ill.

As the issues became larger, so did Nate’s abuse and lies.

Vanessa began to write down their conversations, and over the course of a few months, she saw a pattern of her asking Nate to do something and Nate telling her she was crazy, lying to her, calling her names and more.

Thankfully, Vanessa saw the pattern early. When she addressed the problem with Nate, he promised to change — but he knew what he was doing and didn’t want to stop.  His behaviors created convenience for him and control over the person he was in a relationship with. Vanessa wasn’t the first to deal with this from him — she found out that two of his ex-girlfriends had similar degrading experiences with him. Over time the evidence mounted and it became clear to Vanessa that his words and actions didn’t line up, and Nate was making no credible effort for them to — only empty, manipulative promises. He had no intention of changing the pattern, and when his behavior continued to escalate, Vanessa ended the relationship. No underlying medical issues, such as dementia, were affecting Nate. Vanessa was facing unhealthy and destructive heart issues in Nate and choices in response to them that she had to make.

Am I in a healthy or emotionally abusive relationship?

Gaslighting is an abuser’s attempt to avoid responsibility and intentionally redirect the blame from themselves onto the victim. It’s extremely manipulative and can be very psychologically destructive to the victim.

In a healthy relationship, people tend to own their mistakes and genuinely work to become better. In an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser refuses to own their willful actions and hurtful reactions and doesn’t want to change their behaviors. Their goal is to control rather than work things out in a healthy way.

Questions to ask yourself:
  1. Does my spouse or significant other repeatedly deny conversations we’ve had?
  2. Does my spouse continually refuse to take responsibility when they’ve made a mistake or hurt my feelings?
  3. Do I often feel afraid or hesitant to bring up issues to my spouse?
  4. Does my spouse continually make me feel like, or even tell me, things are always my fault?

Make a call

If you answered “yes” to more than two of the questions above, that’s a good indicator that gaslighting may be happening in your relationship, resulting in an emotionally abusive marriage — and it’s time to make a call.

Counseling & Referrals

Focus on the Family offers a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. We can also help you identify a counselor in your area whose perspective you can trust.

Learn More

Retaliation

Retaliation can come in many types, but in its most basic form, it’s an abuser saying, “If you do ‘X’, then I will do ‘Y.’ ” At its core, retaliation is about punishment. It’s a form of manipulation and control — or an unhealthy twisting of what appears upfront to be a boundary. But really retaliation is someone implying, “If you do something I don’t want you to do, I will punish you for it — and it will hurt (emotionally or physically).”

It can include punishing a victim for doing something the abuser said not to do. In an emotionally abusive relationship, retaliation can be used to keep victims silent, keep them from seeing loved ones or force victims to do things they don’t want to do.

Penny was very close with her three best friends from college. However, after she married Rob, he began to put distance between her and those relationships.

At first, when she would talk about seeing her friends, Rob would suggest that he and Penny should spend time together instead. Being newlyweds, Penny thought it was sweet that he wanted to spend so much time with her. But after six months, when Penny began to tell Rob that she really needed time with her friends, his manipulation began to escalate.

The first sign of retaliatory manipulation came when he told her she could go to lunch. But when she came home a few hours later, he made her feel guilty for leaving and they had a huge argument.

The next sign of an emotionally abusive husband came when he texted her nearly the entire time she was out and became furious if she didn’t reply right away. Again, when she arrived home, he told her if she really loved him, she wouldn’t have gone, which led to a disagreement.

The third time, Rob told her she could go, but if she did, he would go to a strip club with some friends from work since he was alone and lonely — it was his right since her job was to be with him and not other people.

Penny couldn’t believe that Rob would even say that — let alone follow through on it. It seemed so far out of character from the man she’d married. But after she met with her friends, she came home to an empty house. Rob came home the next morning — having more than followed through on his threat.

After that, Penny didn’t ask to go out with her friends anymore.

Am I in a healthy or emotionally abusive relationship?

As you can see, each time Penny didn’t do what Rob said, he retaliated and increased her “punishment,” until Penny finally stopped challenging him. While Rob’s controlling actions may seem extreme, many abusers (especially over time) don’t have a “ceiling” for how high they will go to maintain domination.

In many cases, retaliation is designed to hurt the victim where they’re most vulnerable. In an emotionally abusive marriage, abusers prey on a victim’s fears and often tell them that “if they really loved them,” they wouldn’t do something that would “hurt them so much.” They may even threaten them, their pets or the people they love — even if what the victim wants to do is relationally healthy, like going to lunch with friends.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, retaliation creates fear. In a healthy relationship, “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18) and there should be a level of safety to do healthy things and to not be punished.

Questions to ask:
  1. Does my spouse often threaten to hurt me emotionally, physically or sexually if I don’t do what they ask?
  2. Am I afraid to tell my spouse how I feel or what I want?
  3. If I do something my spouse doesn’t agree with, do they find a way to hurt me emotionally, physically or sexually or excuse their own negative or immoral reactions by blaming me?
  4. Have I stopped choosing healthy decisions because I’m afraid of how my spouse will respond?

Make the call:

If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, it’s time to take a look at the red flags that may show an emotionally abusive marriage. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, not retaliation. It’s time to make a call.

Talk to a Counselor

If you need further guidance and encouragement, Focus on the Family has a staff of licensed, professional counselors who offer a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. They can also refer you to counselors in your area for ongoing assistance.
Reach a Focus on the Family counselor toll-free at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Call Now

Projection

Projection is when an abuser accuses someone else of the negative behaviors that they themselves are actually doing.

Kyle’s college girlfriend had cheated on him. While his wife, Brittany, knew that Kyle had some lingering insecurity due to this experience, she couldn’t understand why Kyle would continually accuse her of cheating on him.

He’d check her phone, texts and email repeatedly, often picking apart emails that her male boss, Ben, had sent her. He’d tell her that no boss “would ever talk to a co-worker like that unless something more was going on,” even though the emails were purely professional. One day, she and Kyle had an altercation after he found out she had attended lunch with her team of seven people at work. Kyle told her that it was probably just her and Ben, and that she was lying about who was really there.

Brittany did everything she could to assure Kyle that nothing was going on, but no matter what she did, he wouldn’t believe the truth. When she became angry, he’d blame his past or tell her that her anger was a sign she truly was cheating on him. He even told Brittany that if she really loved him and wasn’t cheating on him, she’d quit her job. When Brittany refused to quit, he’d tell her it was further proof that she was cheating. He’d often follow that up with coarse language and insults about “what kind of woman she was.”

Kyle also began to require that Brittany have his approval for every outfit she wore before leaving the house. If she weren’t covered from head to toe, Kyle would call her a nasty name and say she was “looking for the wrong kind of attention.” He even wanted her to stop wearing makeup.

One night, while they were out on a dinner date, Kyle saw another man looking at Brittany. When he pointed it out, Brittany waved it off and tried to focus back on their date night. But Kyle exploded. He left the restaurant, taking the car and Brittany’s purse with him. Brittany was forced to navigate her own way home. When she finally arrived back at home, Kyle apologized and said he “trusted her after all.” Their relationship formed into an emotionally abusive marriage over time, but Kyle was an emotionally abusive husband from the start.

Several months later, Brittany found out that Kyle had been cheating on her with a woman he’d met at work.

Finding Hope for Your Hurting Marriage

Nobody wants a miserable marriage. Yet millions of couples are hurting and struggle with infidelity, pornography, abuse, neglect, or mental health issues. That’s why we created a FREE, 6-part video series featuring Dr. Gary Chapman, who shows you how to love your spouse in the midst of heavy-duty heartache.

Start the FREE Series

Am I in a healthy or emotionally abusive relationship?

While Kyle and Brittany’s story may sound extreme, it’s all too common. Kyle was projecting as well as abusive in other ways. In each story, you can see multiple forms of abuse present.

We all struggle at times with insecurity, but Kyle used his insecurity as an excuse to not only control Brittany but also to deal with his shame over his affair.

Although the affair is clearly a problem, Kyle’s patterns that eventually resulted in an emotionally abusive marriage are, too. Healthy relationships look a lot more like the emotions described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Questions to ask:
  1. Does my spouse repeatedly accuse me of doing things that I’m not doing?
  2. Does my spouse act in ways that hurt, isolate or disrespect me and excuse their behavior by blaming their own insecurities?
  3. Does my spouse continue to use their own past against me or tell me that I’m just like other people who have hurt them in the past?
  4. Does my spouse try to use past events or personal insecurities to control me or keep me from doing things?
  5. Does my spouse become angry or violent when members of the opposite sex speak to me or look at me? Does my spouse accuse me of trying to get someone else’s attention by the way I look, dress or act?

Make the call:

If you answered “yes” to the questions above, there’s a good chance that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship where projection is present — and it’s time to make a call.

Final thoughts on these destructive patterns

Gaslighting, retaliation and projection are three forms of emotional abuse that can be hard for victims to fully recognize and learn to respond to. However, there are also more obvious types in an emotionally abusive marriage where you should “make the call.” These include threats, insults, dramatically controlling finances or forbidding contact with loved ones.

If you’ve already answered the series of questions above, you should have a pretty clear idea if your husband is emotionally abusive or you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. Even if you answered “no,” here are some general guidelines that can help you or someone you love pinpoint red flags:

  • It’s abusive when the harmful and degrading behaviors are a pattern. Healthy people apologize and work to change; they don’t continue to hurt someone again and again.
  • It’s abusive when the motivation is to destroy or injure another person emotionally, physically or spiritually.
  • It’s abusive when punishment is involved.
  • It’s abusive when boundaries aren’t acknowledged and respected.
  • It’s abusive if fear is present and capitalized upon by the abuser. If you’re afraid of your spouse, their reactions or what they will do from day-to-day, you’re likely in an emotionally abusive marriage.
  • It’s abusive if you or others are being threatened.

If any of these are what you or someone you know is experiencing, it’s time to “make the call.”

God stepped in and rescued me from an emotionally abusive husband. But it all began when I cried out to Him and asked Him for the “truth” that set me free. And He can set you free too.

Husband constantly insults and humiliates: advice from a psychologist

Published:

Illustrative photo: pexels. com

Sometimes the relationship between a man and a woman is overshadowed by the fact that one of the partners allows himself to insult the other. This can happen during a quarrel, discontent, misunderstanding, or even for no apparent reason.

Having heard insults addressed to oneself from a stranger, any person chooses between a biting remark in response and a simple termination of communication.

A completely different situation develops when unflattering expressions come from one of the spouses. A husband insults or a wife humiliates her husband is a fairly common problem in many couples.

Psychologist Vladimir Reshetnikov tells more about why insults occur in relationships and how to fix it in his Instagram blog.

If you are in a relationship with a person whose value system and psychological state allows him to insult you, then you may not notice how such behavior of his becomes the norm.

  • At first, he may speak negatively, humiliatingly about other people or former relationships: “Yes, she is a fool. ”
  • Subsequently, he speaks disparagingly about some of your actions: "you have to be a fool not to notice this."
  • Then he insults you indirectly: “Well, you're not a fool, or what?”
  • And, at some point, he switches to direct insults: “Well, you are a fool!”

“All this for you, especially if you are prone to codependency, can happen very imperceptibly. You resist, argue, but he stands his ground.

You give in, trying to find the reason for the events, his words and actions. Of course, you will find some reason in yourself and you will try to correct yourself, expecting that he will stop hurting you too.

But for him, with his value system, insults, direct or indirect, are already a way to control your self-esteem.

Low self-esteem inflates your guilt even for those situations in which you are clearly not to blame, but you still, in the absence of internal support, justify it.

And now, at some point, you wonder: “maybe I really am a fool?” - you are completely confused, not understanding who is right and who is wrong, ”the expert writes ( hereinafter, the spelling and punctuation of the author are preserved - ed. )

Vladimir Reshetnikov emphasizes that if your partner allows himself to insult you, it means that it is not you who has problems, but he.

According to the specialist, insults are an extremely painful form of psychological abuse, similar to physical or sexual abuse.

“Insults are a brazen and perfidious violation of a person's personal boundaries, which cannot be justified under any circumstances,” he says.

If you are being abused by your partner, consider:

  • What are your values ​​and attitudes that lead you to tolerate abuse?
  • How are the boundaries built in your relationship?
  • How well do you yourself understand how you can and cannot be treated?
  • Do you allow yourself to violate your partner's personal boundaries?
  • Why are you still with him?

Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/relationship/1936283-muzh-postoyanno-oskorblyaet-i-unizhaet-sovety-psihologa/

Husband humiliates and insults.

Psychologist's advice what to do

For 10 years of work as a psychologist, I have collected many stories in which partners regularly insult each other.

When one person insults and humiliates another, he commits an act of violence against him

Unfortunately, moral humiliation is still quite common among women in the post-Soviet space. And each has its own reason why she continues to endure such an attitude towards herself.

Reasons why a husband insults and humiliates his wife

Someone is trying to save the family in this way. Someone thinks that such a husband is better than none at all. Some people have nowhere to go. Someone is stopped by children. Behind everything is fear.

Psychologist N. Revitskaya's opinion:

Be that as it may, the fact remains: insults are psychological violence. A woman suffers from it no less than from the physical, and sometimes more - self-esteem falls, self-respect disappears, faith in oneself is lost, the will breaks. It seems that no one will help, and this will continue forever.

Why can a husband insult and humiliate his wife?

Such a husband will humiliate his woman on maternity leave and with a small child in his arms, will reproach the money and food that he gives if the woman does not work. Moreover, if a woman works, she will often express dissatisfaction with her wife's work. Will be abusive for the cleaning and the food you cook. He will talk nasty things about your appearance and clothes.

Can insult when drunk, insult about the past, speak obscenities and beat his woman, do it alone or with friends and with your children. However, he can easily say that this is all a joke and you have no sense of humor if you do not understand this.

No.

The longer a woman is humiliated by her husband, the more difficult it will be to get out of it. However, it is possible.

At the expense of humiliating another, a person tries to rise above him, to show his power and strength. Such people are deeply unhappy inside (if we are talking about mentally healthy people, and not about pathologies). They don't know any other way to get value, love and recognition, to raise their value.

However, treating their injuries is the concern of psychotherapists, not your responsibility as a wife.

Husband constantly humiliates what to do, what to do?

If you and I were sitting in the kitchen and you would tell me your story about how your husband insults and humiliates you, like a woman I would say to you “Get away from him”. However, as a specialist, I know that not everything is as simple as it seems at first glance.

There are two types of scenarios where humiliation and insults are present in families.

  • The first is when the husband is a tyrant, and the woman is subjected to moral violence. Over time, moral violence turns into moral and physical.
  • The second is when both partners regularly insult each other, especially during quarrels, while remembering all past "merits".

Women from the second scenario have internal resources to resist the onslaught of aggression that a man brings down on her. Sometimes she herself acts as a provocateur and initiates quarrels that invariably end in insults.

For women from the first scenario, constant humiliation, coupled with physical violence, can break the will . They completely knock out the internal supports, and the woman remains confused and vulnerable, taking blows from the one who was still supposed to protect.

Psychologist's advice, what to do if the husband constantly offends, insults and humiliates?

If your husband is just starting to sneer at you and does not respond to your requests to stop behaving this way with you, take retaliatory measures. Voice your husband the penalties that await him in the next attempt to humiliate you. At the same time, be ready to keep your word and do what you said. Keep your dignity.

If insults and moral humiliation have become habitual in your family, then: