Why do people love

Top Three Reasons Why We Fall in Love

"Love makes the world go 'round," but exactly why do we fall in love?

According to Hani Henry, chair and associate professor of psychology in the Department of Sociology, Anthropology, Psychology and Egyptology at AUC, Robert Sternberg’s psychological theory covers the most common reasons why we fall in love, namely: intimacy, passion and commitment.

Intimacy

Falling in love for intimate reasons can be described as having a basic friendship; it lacks commitment and passion. “Besides developing a close connection with someone, a lot of people seek intimacy for self-enhancement; it doesn’t necessarily have to be for sex,” said Henry. “Sometimes it’s self-serving. Everyone likes to feel cared for and loved. Women want to feel their femininity, and men want to feel their masculinity.”

Adele’s song Hello is a perfect example of how intimacy is captured. In the song's chorus, Adele contacts her ex-boyfriend and pours out her heartbreak from the relationship. She explains that many years have passed and she hasn't done much healing. “Her lyrics are magical and speak for a lot of people who want to have an emotional connection with anyone or a short-term relationship,” he said.

Passion

Letting ourselves fall in love because of desire or strong feelings for a person is normal. Passionate love is developed as a result of feelings that lead to sexual attraction, physical interest and romance. “When you see someone you like, you are captivated by something that draws you to that person,” explained Henry. “The attraction is physical, and there is a fascination with the hair, eyes and body.”

In the absence of intimacy and commitment, infatuation is developed with the person you love. “People are drawn and quickly develop lust. Some people are obsessed and see that person as a type of object. You can be with someone for years and don’t feel there is commonality between you and that person,” he said.

Commitment

Commitment is complete love. “People who seek commitment want stability and a healthy relationship,” he said. “If people only seek commitment, they may lack sexual attraction and basic friendship interests.”

According to Henry, in modern times, young adults are interested in objects more than relationships. “The objectification comes from consumerism,” he explained. “The more consumeristic the culture becomes, the less interest people have in commitments. Some youth are more interested in impressing people they don’t care about. So everything needs to be consumed, even relationships with people.”

Love Outside the Triangular Theory

Although it’s common that anyone can relate to Sternberg’s love theory, we all have our personal reasons for falling in love. “Your reason for falling in love doesn’t necessarily need to be explained by science. Some personal needs can be the fear of being alone, social peer pressure, satisfaction or religious values,” Henry said.

Despite what psychology has to say about love, the type of love we choose defines who we are. We have our own way of understanding what makes us happy and fulfills our human needs. “Some people are caught with a need that meets each dimension of the triangle and they can’t give up on two because of the different needs they get. Love is very complex.”

The 11 Reasons We Fall in Love

Source: StockLite/Shutterstock

A question that receives quite a bit of attention in the psychological literature is why people fall in love. One promising answer is that romantic love occurs when the attributes that generate general attraction and the social factors and circumstances that produce passion are particularly strong.

The general attraction attributes are as follows (Aron, et al. 1989):

Similarity: This includes similarity of people’s beliefs and, to a lesser extent, similarity of personality traits and ways of thinking.
Propinquity: This includes familiarity with the other, which can be caused by spending time together, living near each other, thinking about the other, or anticipating interaction with the other.
Desirable characteristics: This general attraction attribute is particularly focused on an outer physical appearance that is found desirable and, to a lesser extent, on desirable personality traits.
Reciprocal liking: When the other person is attracted to you or likes you, that can increase your own liking.

Two further factors that can help explain why people fall in love involve mate selection (Aron, et al. 1989):

Social influences: A potential union that satisfies general social norms, as well as acceptance of the potential union within one’s social network, can contribute to people falling in love. By contrast, a union that does not satisfy general social norms or is not accepted by one’s social network can result in people falling out of love.
Filling needs: If a person can fulfill needs for companionship, love, sex, or mating, there is a greater chance that the other person will fall in love with him or her.

Another five factors seem to be required for the love to be truly passionate as opposed to being a kind of friendship love (Aron, et al. 1989):

Arousal/unusualness: Being in an unusual or arousing environment can spark passion, even if the environment is perceived as dangerous or spooky (Dutton & Aron, 1974).
Specific cues: A particular feature of the other may spark particularly strong attraction (e.g., parts of their body or facial features).
Readiness: The more you want to be in a relationship, the lower your self-esteem and the more likely you are to fall in love.
Isolation: Spending time alone with another person can also contribute to the development of passion.
Mystery: If there is some mystery surrounding the other person and uncertainty about what the other person thinks or feels, wondering when he or she will initiate contact can also contribute to passion.

Aron et al. (1989) examined which of these factors are most prevalent in college students based on their descriptions of their experiences of falling in love. The researchers found that the most frequently mentioned factor preceding experiences of love was finding certain characteristics of the other person desirable, as well as reciprocity of the experienced emotions. There was a moderate frequency of descriptions mentioning the factors that spark passion (e.g., readiness, arousal/unusualness). There was a low to moderate frequency of descriptions of the other person being perceived as similar to the research participant.

The researchers argue that the self-expansion model proposed in Aron & Aron (1986) predicts this weighing of factors. On the self-expansion model, we have the greatest propensity to fall in love when we perceive the other person as a way for us to undergo rapid self-expansion. Entering a committed relationship requires giving up some of our personal autonomy by including the other person in our life. If the other person possesses desirable characteristics, their presence in our life can be perceived as an expansion of the self rather than a loss of freedom (Aron & Aron, 1996).

Work in neuroscience supports these findings in psychology. The neurochemical profile of people who are in love is characterized by low levels of the satiation chemical serotonin (Zeki, 2007). In this respect, the obsessive component of new love makes it similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder.

It is unsurprising, then, that several of the passion-generating factors, including arousal/unusualness, readiness, and mystery, correlate both with the propensity to fall in love and with increased anxiety. Blood levels of adrenaline and other stress chemicals are increased by anxiety triggers.

As argued by Dutton and Aron (1974), feeling increased levels of adrenaline is sometimes mistaken for a feeling of being in love with a person. Dutton and Aron (1974) found that more men fell in love with an attractive female interviewer when she asked them questions in anxiety-provoking situations (a fear-arousing suspension bridge) compared to calm situations (a non-fear arousing bridge). So, even in the absence of most of the other predictors of the onset of romantic love, meeting someone in an anxiety-provoking situation can cause us to fall in love with that person.

Another interesting feature of love is that a felt proximity to a new lover creates higher levels of the reward and motivation chemical dopamine, whereas distance can lead to cravings. Aron et al (2005) used functional magnetic resonance imaging to study people who were intensely in love from between 1 and 17 months. The subjects viewed a photograph of their beloved and then, after a distraction-attention task, they viewed a photograph of a familiar individual. The researchers found heightened brain activation in the right ventral tegmental area and the right postero-dorsal body and medial caudate nucleus—dopamine-rich areas associated with reward and motivation—in response to the photographs of the individual the subject was in love with. So, when you are in love, the imagined or actual presence of the beloved is rewarding and motivating.

The self-expansion model proposed by Aron & Aron (1986) can explain be used to explain this result: When a person conceives of their love interest and him- or herself forming a tight union, the desirable characteristics of the beloved trigger a reward response. This can prompt us to go out of our way to be with our potential partner in order to experience the most intense feeling of reward.

The self-expansion model also predicts that the similarity and propinquity factors should have a paradoxical effect in initial stages of falling in love but should have a more significant influence on the duration of love (Acevedo & Aron, 2009). The main reason is that familiarity and similarity make it less likely that the other person will constitute an expansion of you, once you include him or her in your life.

These predictions are consistent with findings in neuroscience. Low levels of serotonin are likely counteracted by similarity and familiarity, which can prevent people from falling in love (Zeki, 2007). At later stages of a love relationship, however, these same factors may correlate with higher levels of the attachment and bonding chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin, which have been shown to increase during the phase of a love relationship that fosters romantic attachment and pair bonding (Zeki, 2007).

References

Acevedo, B P.; Aron, A. (2009). Does a long-term relationship kill romantic love? Review of General Psychology, Vol 13(1), 59-65.

Aron, A & Aron, EN. (1986). Love and the Expansion of Self: Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction, New York, NY, US: Hemisphere Publishing Corp/Harper & Row.

Aron, EN & Aron, A. (1996) “Love and Expansion of the Self: The State of the Model”, Personal Relationships 3, 1: 45–58

Aron A, Dutton DG, Aron, EN, Iverson, A. (1989) “Experiences of Falling in Love”, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships August 6, 3: 243-257.

Aron A, Fisher H, Mashek DJ, Strong G, Haifang Li H, Brown LL. (2005) “Reward, Motivation, and Emotion Systems Associated With Early-Stage Intense Romantic Love”, Journal of Neurophysiology 94, 1: 327-337.

Dutton, D.G., & Aron, A.P. (1974). “Some Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction Under Conditions of High Anxiety”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30 (4), 510-517.

Zeki, S. (2007). “The Neurobiology of Love”, FEBS Letters 581, 14: 2575–2579.

We do not choose each other by chance

641 523

Man and woman

Why do we meet millions of people, but love only one?

Why did Marina and Ilya, having worked together for three years, look at each other with new eyes only now? What pushes Elena into the arms of Mikhail, when, it would seem, there are so many factors that separate them: age, education, and social status?

Is this an accident? Of course not. Even if each acquaintance seems to us the result of a chain of unforeseen coincidences, in our souls there is always a certain set of criteria that we cannot consciously formulate, but which nonetheless determine our choice. nine0003

According to the French psychologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann, each person is like a hermit crab: our personality is condemned to eternal seclusion in a shell, and the only chance to get out of it is to trust a loved one . .. to reinvent each other.

“We are still collective beings,” adds psychoanalyst Lola Komarova, “we have a biological need for contact.”

We meet someone we already know about

You don’t need to be a sociologist to state that our chances of meeting you are greatly increased if we study at the same faculty, work in the same company, live in the same area, go to the same fitness club… But this does not mean at all that we get acquainted only with people of our circle. Love is a more subtle matter. nine0003

A partner attracts us because his image has been living inside us since childhood.

Sigmund Freud was the first to express the idea that we meet only those who already exist in our subconscious. “Finding an object of love ultimately means finding it again” - this is how the law of mutual attraction of different people can be formulated. Marcel Proust means the same thing when he says that first we draw a person in our imagination and only then we meet him in real life.

“A partner attracts us because his image has been living inside us since childhood,” explains psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze, “hence, a handsome prince or princess is a person whom we have been waiting for and “knew” for a long time.” nine0003

Get away from loneliness

Emotional connection with the mother leaves an indelible mark on our soul, and therefore in adulthood we invariably strive to repeat our early experience.

“For a small child, a relationship with a mother is equivalent to life,” says Lola Komarova. No other relationship will ever be as meaningful. The childish irrational fear of being alone entails a need for close connection with another that accompanies us all our lives. Such a fantasy may also arise: if I remain small, helpless, the other will not leave me. nine0003

That's why 23-year-old Yulia chose Boris: “I love tasting the dishes that he lovingly prepares for me. I can see that he really cares about me, and only in his arms do I feel really protected.

Sometimes it seems to us that we have known someone for a long time, whom we fell in love with only recently. “As if they had always known each other!” The lovers are surprised.

“We have a desire to be understood, and this is also connected with the relationship between the child and the mother,” explains Lola Komarova. - The life of an infant depends on whether the mother feels his desires well, whether she understands him without words. And if we didn’t have this in childhood, we will strive even more strongly to find a person who will understand us.” If our parents did not give us warmth and affection, we can become emotionally dependent on our partner. nine0003

“I can't leave Igor: then who will love me? I’m scared to be alone,” says 30-year-old Nina.

“The lack of love in this case becomes a “hook” from which it is very difficult to get rid of,” comments existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. - Very often, the relationship of such people is practically “blind”, they can be defined by the words: “I need your love so much that I don’t want to think about whether you need mine. ”

Dance together

We crave attention, tenderness, passion... But the question is: are we really ready to accept all this wealth? nine0003

“Intimacy scares many of us,” explains client-centered psychotherapist Marina Khazanova. “Genuine relationships are really risky: we open up to another person, but the coincidence with him may not happen, and this will hurt.”

This is why we so often avoid deep relationships. But is it possible to love, to give, if you do not allow yourself to enjoy receiving?

“Truly adult, mature love relationships are like dancing together,” says the therapist. - Partners move together, to the beat of common music, but at the same time they have the opportunity to change places, step aside or take a step forward. The love that you give and receive only expands the boundaries as a result of this alternation. nine0003

Many people in their declining years ask themselves: “Have I managed to fall in love? Have I been able to convey the power of my feelings to my life partner? Could he rejoice in his feeling? Throughout our lives, we learn to give and receive, so that as a result we can say to ourselves: “How wonderful it is to feel love!” In both senses of the phrase.

The one who completes me

Today we put too many hopes into relationships, we want them to be flawless, ideal. Perhaps that is why we are looking for a partner who looks like a person who has everything that we would wish for ourselves. We are looking for a mirror that reflects a positive image of ourselves. nine0003

This is exactly what 28-year-old Veronica felt when she met Alexander: “He was wonderful: rich, self-confident, always cheerful. He had everything that I lacked so much, and most importantly, he had a family, a father and mother, which I could only dream of in my childhood at the orphanage. I thought: since such a wonderful person loves me, then I really am worth something.

“There may be a rational reason to look for a partner who would complement us,” says Lola Komarova, “but it may also be that a person does not want to recognize some of his qualities and seems to “transfer” them to another. nine0003

For example, subconsciously considering herself stupid and naive, a woman will find a partner who will embody wisdom and the ability to make adult decisions for her - and thus make him responsible for herself, so helpless and defenseless. To see another in another is a great psychological achievement with us, but in a more pronounced form. nine0003

In psychoanalysis, this tactic is called "exchange of dissociations" - it allows us not to notice our own shortcomings, while the partner becomes the bearer of all those qualities that we do not like in ourselves. For example, to hide her own fear of action, a woman may fall in love only with weak, depressed men.

“To see another in another is a great psychological achievement,” says Lola Komarova. “Sometimes we choose a partner because he plays the role of some part of us for us, not necessarily positive, often on the contrary, unpleasant and rejected.” nine0003

People with similar complexes group together, fueling their own problems

For example, I don't like my own laziness and slovenliness, and it turns out that my loved one has exactly these qualities. Thus, I get the inner right to say that he is lazy, but I don’t have this problem.

Treat like with like

The basis of the association of people is often the principle of similarity, sometimes complete. It is to him that the narcissistic personality aspires, choosing a partner who is similar to her not only internally, but also externally, and sometimes even with the same name. nine0003

“A narcissistic person wants his partner to talk about the same thing with him, to experience the same feelings,” says Jungian psychologist Stanislav Raevsky, “but, on the other hand, he wants to be constantly praised and recognized for his unusualness. When two such people begin to live together, mutual demands and envy eventually destroy their relationship.

In The Family and How to Survive It, the English psychiatrist and psychotherapist Robin Skinner argues that people are often united by common complexes. “People attract each other by what they have “in the window,” comments Stanislav Raevsky. - But in fact, the main thing is that "behind the screen. " nine0003

A person can say: “I love cheerful people, but I can’t stand boring ones!” - and chooses a girl who has endless fun. And deep down, both have anxiety or total emptiness, and they have fun all the time to hide it.

People with similar complexes group together, thus feeding their own problems and cultivating them in each other. You look around - everyone is the same, which means that everything is in order with me!

And until a person is aware of the game he is playing, he will act out the scenario of the same relationship. nine0003

The search for Oedipus

From the point of view of classical psychoanalysis, in a mature relationship, the partner is associated with the images of our parents - either with a plus sign or a minus sign. He attracts us so much because, with his qualities, he resembles or, conversely, denies the images of a father or mother.

“In psychoanalysis, this choice is called the “search for Oedipus,” says Tatyana Alavidze. “And even if we consciously try to choose a “non-parent” — a woman who is unlike her mother, a man who is unlike her father, this means the urgency of the internal conflict and the desire to resolve it “by the contrary.” nine0003

How do you explain that 34-year-old Anna, the daughter of a prosperous university professor, falls in love with a penniless, reckless rock musician?

In many cases, the choice of a partner who is radically different from the image of the parent indicates protection from the "oedipal" model of relationships, in which the threat of incest is possible.

A child's sense of security is usually associated with the image of the mother; it can be expressed in the image of a large, full partner. “A thin man in such pairs usually strives for a “nursing mother”, who seems to “absorb” him into herself and protects him, says Tatyana Alavidze. “It’s the same for a woman who chooses big men.” nine0003

Our brain looks for factors of complementarity in another person

“It would be naive to believe that a partner really overlaps the image of one of the parents,” says Lola Komarova. “In fact, it does not coincide with our real father or mother, but with the unconscious idea of \u200b\u200bthem that we had in infancy.”

Love, fragrance and… immunity

Our brain looks for complementary factors in another person. When choosing a partner, we unconsciously adhere to this logic: if my immune system protects me from one group of viruses, and my partner's immune system protects him from another, then our child's immune system will be even stronger than ours. nine0003

A special role in this process is played by odors that convey genetic information about the structure of immunity.

“We have two olfactory systems,” says Sergey Stolyarov, Doctor of Biological Sciences, Head of the Embryology Department at the Institute of Human Morphology of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences. - In addition to the main one, there is also a second one, which is called "vomeronasal" and serves to clarify sexual priorities.

With its help we capture sexual odors - pheromones. After analyzing them, the brain sends a signal to the endocrine system, which produces sex hormones, and love begins. nine0003

To give what we don't have

In love, we want to receive what we cannot receive - feelings that connected us with the objects of former affections. We want to enjoy again the joy that they gave us, or heal the wounds that they inflicted on us. But when we expect someone else to make up for what we missed at the time, we harbor false hope.

19-year-old Alexander loves Irina, who is 16 years older than him. His friends do not understand this connection and are angry with his beloved, because of which Sasha stopped meeting them in the evenings. But in relations with Irina, the young man seeks not only affection and understanding - he needs strictness and a sense of security, which Alexander did not receive in childhood and which she generously gives him. nine0003

Be ready for the main meeting

Our acquaintance involves not two people, but at least six: on the one hand, me, father and mother, on the other, you, your father, your mother. Plus a few more of our ancestors, a first love in kindergarten, a beloved uncle or cousin who played with us in childhood, and some other people.

That is why the charm of each other at the initial stage of acquaintance with such labor turns into a strong and long love relationship. To this natural complexity is added the problem of time: we can simply meet at the wrong time - not to be ready for love at this moment, not to free ourselves from the previous romance internally. nine0003

You can miss the man or woman of your dreams because of a small unpleasant detail: an arrow on a stocking, an ugly grimace - it would seem, nothing special, but magic will not work in this case.

“Each of us enters into a love relationship, carrying our own life situation,” says Svetlana Krivtsova, “and for some, a spark of new love is a blessing, while for others it is a sad belated echo of missed opportunities: “It’s a pity that we you didn't meet a few years ago. Now that I like you is not the most important thing in my life. nine0003

The situation when people meet at the wrong time is not so rare, although it also happens that then they get a chance to meet again.”

Text: Zhanna Sergeeva, Eleonora Kachanova Photo Source: Getty Images

What's new on the site

“I've always made special New Year gifts for my friends, but now I don't have the strength or the desire to do so. Why?"

“After the sudden death of my husband, I can hear his breathing at night”

A promising cure for depression has been found. The secret is in the combination of medication and computer program

A man on the verge of a nervous breakdown: how to understand that a loved one is depressed — 14 signs and a child

“I told my mother about my father's betrayal and I hate him for betraying him”

How to spend the New Year holidays with mental health benefits: 6 tips

Why do people love? nine0001

“Becoming a parent is like jumping off a steep cliff into the ocean. Uncertainty, fear.

Then the effort to be on the surface, and ... great happiness from contact with God's creation. These words were written by Elena Mizyuk. Elena is a journalist, but given that three boys grow up in the family, the eldest of whom is eight years old, and the youngest is a year and four months old, she does not have many opportunities for creative expression. And I really want to work. And Elena had the idea of a series of articles "Difficult Questions". By genre, these are diary entries - notes-observations about how children grow up, but they are filled with reflections that allow us, readers, to take a slightly different look at everyday life. nine0157

For the author of this diary, every day is not just one of the days of the year, but the one and only moment of life that you want to capture, save, so as not to lose. Such an attitude to time in our fussy age is uncharacteristic. The value of these notes is also in the fact that they are imbued with respect for the men who make up the author's family - her husband and three sons.

And such an attitude, strange as it may sound, is also a rarity today. Reading these short stories about the everyday life of a mother of many children, someone may, with regret, catch themselves thinking that there are no memories of this “why-why” age of their own children in their memory. But children's questions are not only a tool for understanding the world, but also something that makes a child and an adult even more akin, lays the foundation for the spiritual closeness of parents and grown-up children. And how important it is that the parent's answer does not disappoint, does not discourage the child's craving for knowledge, but becomes another open door behind which lies a huge, interesting world. nine0157

My name is Elena. I am 32 years old, of which I have been a wife for nine years and a mother for eight years. A year after the wedding, the bright-eyed Vanechka was born, three years later, the curly-haired Prosha, and three years later, the ginger Igorek. Becoming parents, we plunge into the world of the purest and brightest love, where adults can learn many useful lessons. After all, it is children like no one else who bring us closer to understanding the love of God — the Lord constantly forgives us, waits and supports us. And children also give an opportunity for an adult to go through the path of childhood again: to correct something, to remember oneself, to look from the outside, to try not to make obvious mistakes of their parents, to learn to love and ... become an adult. nine0003

—Mom, how did you and dad meet?

My sons' questions usually take me by surprise. For example, I cook dinner and think not about the sublime, but about something completely prosaic. Will two potatoes be enough for the soup, or should I peel the third one? But you can’t brush it off - the elders are keenly interested in the history of our family.

—Mom, what was your last name before marriage? And how old were you when you got married? And what were you?

I am reminiscing...

I was a little over 20, I studied at the university, worked part-time in the television group of the information department of the Saratov diocese, went to Sunday school for adults at the church in honor of the icon of the Mother of God “Assuage my sorrows”, supervised the social direction of the Orthodox youth society, sang in an amateur choir , walked for hours around the city, thought about life, wrote poetry . .. In general, she did everything that people do at the age of 20 - she was looking for her destiny. We met at work. Our meeting was by chance, and these "accidents" are the most beautiful in the world. nine0003

Two years later they got married. And a year and a half later, the husband took the holy orders. Of course, before meeting Andrei, I could not have imagined that I would become the wife of a priest. Nobody prepared me for this field. But, surprisingly, shortly before the wedding, I met one woman - a close friend of our family. And she told me about the difficulties, problems and difficulties that family people have to go through, so even before the wedding I realized that a wedding is not just a solemn event, it is the beginning of a long, narrow and thorny path. nine0003

I still remember our conversation, which sobered me up — like many young ladies, I didn't think at all about what was hidden behind the phrase that ends all fairy tales: "And they lived happily ever after. " The conversation was personal, and I cannot convey everything we talked about. Basically, these were stories from the lives of people (without names, of course) who faced certain difficulties and somehow overcame them or did not overcome them. Sometimes even one phrase like “if you don’t like it, leave” or “slamming the door” “in the hearts” can have very sad consequences. She also said that a woman should always take care of herself and the house. We talked about relationships with parents. I was worried about how we would live separately - after all, my mother would be left alone. And then she said: “You need to answer the question for yourself: with whom will I continue to live - with my mother or with my husband?”. And I answered. nine0003

I think that if parents had such conversations with their children before marriage, young people could avoid many problems. At least they would not be led by emotions and generally understand why they create a family.

—Why did you get married?

Prokhor seems to be interested, the questions never end.

— I fell in love with your dad.

—Why do people love?

But this is more difficult. Once we were reading a book by Tove Jansson about Mummy Trolls, and Vanya asked: “Why did Mummy Troll fall in love with Miss Snork?” To be honest, at first I decided to give out something abstruse, but the child was ahead of me: “She is just very beautiful!”. Yes, indeed, she is beautiful, wears a mirror and picks flowers, but if necessary, she can also cook soup. She is caring and kind, she embarks on all adventures with Mumiy Troll, she trusts him, admires him. And he? He protects her. There is an amazing scene in the book: he gives her a mirror so that she can comb her bangs, and she gives him a medal for bravery. How often in family life women cease to be princesses, and men cease to be heroes ... But this is so necessary for both. nine0003

When we got married, my desk book was Empress Alexandra's diary - short notes about family life by the wife of the last Emperor of Russia Nicholas II. There were a few simple rules in this book that I remembered for the rest of my life. Never go to bed with a grudge - even if you are right, you need to make peace. Always be interested in each other's affairs, even the most insignificant. Every day, say words of love to each other: tenderness in relationships is, in the words of Empress Alexandra, “the daily bread of love.” nine0003

For me, my husband is not “another child” and not a teacher, no… he is a loved one. And I am very grateful to him for his understanding, for the fact that he does not seek to push me into the "framework of piety" accepted in the environment to which we belong by virtue of his ministry. My husband does not forbid me to look the way I see fit. I am free to choose a wardrobe - I put on trousers for walks with children, because in a skirt it is impossible to help the boys master slides and horizontal bars. Clothing is designed to be used for its intended purpose, and not to be afraid. This applies to cosmetics and jewelry, and to my desire to be realized not only in the family, but also in creativity. And I tell my children about this husband’s attitude, because they are future men, and I’m already thinking about how they will treat their future wives. nine0003

— Actually, I think love is a gift from God. And you need to learn how to take care of it.

—Mom, how did you meet God?

This is the eldest, Ivan. He is eight years old, and his questions are more serious. He is interested in history, reads the Old Testament and the Gospel for children. Sometimes he asks such questions that I do not immediately know what to answer. Then I say: "I need to think." But now is not the case. This "acquaintance with God" is vivid in my memory.

I was born in an unchurched family. But although my parents did not attend services, did not keep fasts, they recognized themselves as Christians. I remember when at 90th, various sectarians began to roam the porches, my mother always answered their proposals to “talk about God” that we “have our Bible and we don’t need anything else. ” I don’t remember anything about my baptism - I was seven or eight years old, but I still remember the communion - perhaps the first: a queue for the Chalice and something completely unusual and unique in taste.

I have always been a believer. The knowledge that God exists was simple and natural for me, like the sky above my head. But my conscious meeting with God happened after school. nine0003

I lived in Moscow and, in general, lived quite well. There was work, housing, there was something to eat and what to wear, there were friends, interesting leisure. But there was an emptiness in my soul that nothing could fill. Once, walking along a small street not far from my house, I saw a temple. Went over the fence. Silence. The sun. The birds are singing. I opened the door. And then ... It was amazing, like in the parable of the prodigal son. So much attention, cordiality, warmth... The parishioners and the rector welcomed me as if they were their own. In that church I bought two books - the Gospel and the "Law of God" (in order to learn how to make the sign of the cross correctly - I remember such my motivation).

Learn more