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How to leave a domestic violence relationship


How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

domestic abuse

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't easy, but you deserve to live free of fear. Here’s how to find help for abused and battered women.

If you're in an abusive relationship

Why doesn't she just leave? It's the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is suffering battery and abuse. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it's not that simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It's even harder when you've been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being abused, remember:

  • You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
  • You are not the cause of your partner's abusive behavior.
  • You deserve to be treated with respect.
  • You deserve a safe and happy life.
  • Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
  • You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare. Start by reaching out today.

If you need immediate assistance, call your country's emergency services number (911 in the U.S.)

For domestic violence helplines and shelters, click here.

If you're a man in an abusive relationship, read Help for Men Who are Being Abused.

Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship

As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:

If you're hoping your abusive partner will change… The abuse will probably keep happening. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn't quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.

If you believe you can help your abuser… It's only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you're the only one who understands him or that it's your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you're reinforcing and enabling the behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you're perpetuating the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse… When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. Most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once you've forgiven them and they're no longer worried that you'll leave.

If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers… Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he'll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that's a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.

If you're worried about what will happen if you leave… You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you'll go, or how you'll support yourself or your children. But don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

  • He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
  • He continues to blame others for his behavior.
  • He claims that you're the one who is abusive.
  • He pressures you to go to couple's counseling.
  • He tells you that you owe him another chance.
  • You have to push him to stay in treatment.
  • He says that he can't change unless you stay with him and support him.
  • He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
  • He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
  • He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.

Safety planning for abused women

Whether or not you're ready to leave your abuser, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. These safety tips may might the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.

Know your abuser's red flags. Stay alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.

Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.

Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you're in danger and they should call the police.

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Make an escape plan

Be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver's door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get to it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend's house, for example).

Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, make sure they practice the escape plan also.

Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

If you stay

If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, here are some coping mechanisms to improve your situation and to protect yourself and your children.

  • Contact a domestic violence or sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services whether you decide to stay or leave the relationship.
  • Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
  • Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at and talking to yourself. Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser. Carve out time for activities you enjoy.

Source: Breaking the Silence Handbook

Protecting your privacy

Abusers often monitor their partner's activities, including their phone, computer, and Internet use. You may be afraid to leave or ask for help out of fear that your partner will retaliate if he finds out. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe and keep your abuser from discovering what you're planning.

When seeking help for domestic violence and abuse, it's important to cover your tracks, especially when you're using the home phone, a smartphone, or a computer.

Call from a friend's or neighbor's phone when seeking help for domestic violence, or use a public pay phone or a “burner phone.” 

Check your smartphone settings. There are smartphone apps your abuser can use to listen in on your calls, read your text messages, monitor your Internet usage, or track your location. Consider turning it off when not in use or leaving it behind when fleeing your abuser.

Get a second cell phone. To keep your communication and movements private, consider purchasing a prepaid cell phone (“burner” phone) or another smartphone that your abuser doesn't know about. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.

Call collect or use your second cell phone. Remember that if you use your own home phone, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home. Even if you've already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you've called for help.

Use a safe computer. If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. While there are ways to delete your Internet history on a computer, tablet, or smartphone that your abuser has access to, this can be a red flag that you're trying to hide something. Besides, unless you're very technical, it can be almost impossible to clear all evidence of the websites that you've visited. Use a computer at work, the library, your local community center, a domestic violence shelter or agency, or borrow a smartphone from a friend.

Change your user names and passwords. In case your abuser knows how to access your accounts, create new usernames and passwords for your email, IM, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don't think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can't guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).

Protecting yourself from surveillance and recording devices

Your abuser doesn't need to be tech savvy in order to use surveillance technology to monitor your movements and listen in on your conversations. Your abuser could be using:

Hidden cameras, such as a “Nanny Cam,” covert security cameras, or even a baby monitor to check in on you.

Smartphone apps that can enable your abuser to monitor your phone usage or track your movements.

Global Positioning System (GPS) devices hidden in your car, purse, on your phone, or other objects you carry with you. Your abuser can also use your car's GPS system to see where you've been.

If you discover any tracking or recording devices or apps, leave them be until you're ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you're on to him.

Domestic violence shelters

A domestic violence shelter or women's shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.

Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:

  • Legal help
  • Counseling
  • Support groups
  • Services for your children
  • Employment programs
  • Health-related services
  • Educational opportunities
  • Financial assistance

If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women's refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.

Protecting yourself after you've left

Keeping yourself safe from your abuser is just as important after you've left as before. To protect yourself, you may need to relocate so your former partner can't find you. If you have children, they may need to switch schools.

To keep your new location a secret:

  • Get a prepaid mobile (“burner”) phone or an unlisted landline.
  • Use a post office box rather than your home address.
  • In the U.S., apply to your state's address confidentiality program, a service that confidentially forwards your mail to your home.
  • Cancel your old bank accounts and credit cards, especially if you shared them with your abuser. When you open new accounts, be sure to use a different bank.

If you're remaining in the same area, change up your routine. Take a new route to work, avoid places where your abuser might think to locate you, change any appointments he knows about, and find new places to shop and run errands. You should also keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call your country's emergency services number (911 in the U.S.) if you spot your former abuser.

Consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order. Your stalker or abuser may ignore it and the police may do nothing to enforce it.

If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if he will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.

Taking steps to heal and move on

The scars of domestic violence and abuse run deep. The trauma of what you've been through can stay with you long after you've escaped the abusive situation. You may struggle with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger that you just can't kick. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. But counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you process what you've been through and learn how to build new and healthy relationships.

Building healthy new relationships

After getting out of an abusive situation, you may be eager to jump into a new relationship and finally get the intimacy and support you've been missing. But it's wise to go slow. Take the time to get to know yourself and to understand how you got into your previous abusive relationship. Without taking the time to heal and learn from the experience, you're at risk of falling back into abuse.

Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A. and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

Domestic Violence: Finding Safety & Support (PDF) – Guide for abused and battered women. (New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)

Safety when Preparing to Leave an Abuser – Guidelines for how to safely leave an abusive relationship. (Women's Law Initiative)

Internet Security – Gives detailed instructions on how to clear your computer's Internet browser and email account from evidence of your efforts to find help for domestic abuse. (Women's Law Initiative)

Hotlines and support

Call 911 or your country's emergency service number if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt.

In the U.S.: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or search Womenslaw.org's state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters and advocates.

UK: call Women's Aid at 0808 2000 247.

Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Last updated: December 5, 2022

Stages of Leaving a DV Relationship

There are several stages that a victim of domestic abuse may experience before finally leaving their abusive partner. Review the seven stages listed below:

1. The abuse is happening…

The abuse stage signifies the time period in which the abuse occurs, but the victim has yet to identify with or acknowledge their self as abused. At this stage, the abuse has altered the victim’s perspective of self.

2. The victim denies the abuse…

During the denial stage, many victims feel as though they have lost control. They are apologetic, shameful, and fearful. Even in this stage, many victims have not fully acknowledged that they are in a violent relationship. Isolation from family and friends begin during this stage.

3. Acknowledgement of the abuse is revealed…

It sometimes takes a family member or close friend to help the victim acknowledge that they are in an abusive relationship. Family members, friends, and even colleagues are able to help the victim identify examples of physical, mental, and or emotional trauma that has or is currently occurring within the relationship. Once the victim finally acknowledges the abuse, the other stages can occur.

4. The acknowledgement of the abuse takes place, now the emotions follow…

Once the victim confronts the idea of being a victim of domestic abuse, there is an emotional response that follows. The emotional response varies from victim to victim. Every emotional response is unique to the victim involved. However, each emotional response typically resembles the process of grief that many associate with the lost of a loved one. It is uncertain how long this stage will last for the victim, but it is this stage that strengthens the victim’s will power and motivation to flee.

5. The victim is motivated to make preparations to leave…

The motivation stage represents the individual’s need to regain self control and control over their life. During this stage, the victim may begin seeking available resources and planning next steps before the initial attempt to flee the abusive partner.

6. A form of abuse occurs to trigger action…

Once the victim is motivated to leave, there is most likely an event that takes place prior to the victim actually leaving the relationship. The triggering event may be a physical episode or fear of severe or even fatal harm.

7. The victim escapes…

Victims in this stage have removed themselves from the abuse and have made safety their top priority on their road to healing and recovery.

Heal from your abuse

If you are escaping an abusive relationship, consider the following suggestions to help aid you in your journey to safety.

Leaving the abuser is only the beginning of your healing and recovery. You will experience a period of time when you actually miss your partner and may even consider returning to the relationship. Be sure to separate your feelings and emotions from the reality that the abuse happened and the relationship is not healthy or safe.

Be prepared to receive private and or public apologies, conversations full of tears, and even presents from your abusive partner. Understand that the gestures may be nice, but until your partner makes a personal effort to receive and complete counseling sessions for the abusive behavior, few changes will last. The root of the abuse and the likelihood of the repeated patterns of abusive behaviors reoccurring still exist.

Give yourself time to heal and recover before entering into a new relationship. Taking time to heal and strengthen your self-confidence and self-esteem is important before giving your emotions, time, and energy to another person. Spend quiet time with yourself to reflect on your past, so that you can wisely plan for your future. Seek counseling services to help aid you in this process. Rediscover the unique person you were before the abuse robbed you of that reality. You did not deserve to be abused, no one does.

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How not to become a victim of domestic violence: advice from experts

Self-isolation is a difficult test for families in which mutual claims and dissatisfaction are ripe. People get tired, contradictions intensify. How to understand that the conflict develops into violence? What to do about it? At the webinar of the Institute of Further Professional Education of social workers, useful advice was given by the director of the Crisis Center for Assistance to Women and Children, Natalya Zavyalova and the head. department of psychological assistance of the Lyubov Vyzhanova Center.

How conflict differs from violence

Disputes on various issues break out in any family. When there are not enough arguments, emotions take their place and conflict arises. In this conflict, of course, there is a place for both irritation and anger, but, in fact, this is nothing more than a search for a solution to the issue. The task of the conflict is either to accept one of the points of view, or to find a compromise that will satisfy everyone. Once a solution is found, the conflict ends.

The purpose of violence is quite different. For the offender, the main thing is not to resolve the issue, but to prove his superiority, to assert his power, so the subject of the collision is not important for him. Violence is not generated by external circumstances, it is caused by the internal state of a person. Unlike conflict, it is repeated for any, sometimes the most insignificant reasons. nine0005

So:

  • conflict always has a real cause - violence is looking for a reason;
  • the conflict has a local character - violence is repeated regularly.

Violent actions are far from being only assault. In psychology, there are four types of violence: physical, psychological, sexual, economic. If derogatory assessments, insults appear in a conversation, it means that psychological violence occurs. If the breadwinner of the family uses economic repression, then he uses economic violence. nine0005

Abuse scenario

The offender-victim relationship is cyclical. Their life is divided into four phases, repeating in an unchanging sequence. American psychologist Lenore Walker described this "cycle of violence" in a married couple.

  1. Voltage rise.
  2. Violent incident.
  3. Reconciliation.
  4. Honeymoon.

After a stormy quarrel, as a rule, an equally stormy reconciliation takes place, and then the partners live for some time in an idyll reminiscent of their honeymoon. If not for the third and fourth phases, it would be easier for the victim to get out of the pathological relationship. But another "honeymoon" is coming, love flares up with renewed vigor, and it seems that this time everything will be fine. Unfortunately, this is not the case. nine0005

Features of the potential aggressor's behavior

This is a person who constantly needs confirmation of his power. It limits the freedom of a partner, controls him, isolates him from communication with relatives and friends. When a woman lives in social isolation, communicates only with her family, for psychologists this is a serious signal of family trouble.

The aggressor can force the partner to do something, humiliate or mock him in the presence of strangers. nine0005

He is not ready to take responsibility for his actions. As a rule, such people do not admit the fact of violence (“I didn’t beat her, I just pushed her a little”) or shift the blame on the victim (“She herself is to blame”).

The aggressor is not empathic by nature, so he can be cruel even with children. Reproaches of heartlessness and calls for sympathy are useless here. They only add fuel to the fire.

Aggressors are characterized by emotional instability, sudden mood swings.

Domestic abusers know how to make a good impression on others. If this is a man, acquaintances see him as a caring father and husband, his family is considered exemplary. No one can even imagine that at home behind closed doors this is a completely different person.

What makes the victim endure violence

According to official statistics, women are the most often victims in the family, so we are talking about them. But everything said is just as true in relation to men. nine0005

Victims of domestic violence tend to be people with low self-esteem. They are suggestible, anxious, insecure, have an exaggerated sense of guilt. They easily blame themselves for everything. Isn't a woman responsible for peace in the family? Shouldn't she be the guardian of the hearth, a caring wife and mother? These stereotypes only reinforce the victim in the thought that the offender is not to blame, and she suppresses her feelings of anger.

A woman often hides the fact of domestic violence out of shame and fear of judgment. She is sure that no one will help her and that she does not deserve help. nine0005

Fear of independent living and the difficulties that will have to be overcome can keep the victim close to the perpetrator. First of all, this applies to women who have abandoned their professional careers and devoted themselves to their families. Often they simply have nowhere to go and nothing to start a new life.

In psychology there is such a term - "learned helplessness". If a person has made several attempts to change circumstances, but nothing has come of it, he gives up and no longer seeks to improve his life, although he has such an opportunity. This is what happens to the victim. Many women try to influence the situation in the family - they leave home, have soul-saving conversations with the aggressor, threaten the court, and so on. Having spent all her resource and having achieved nothing, a woman falls into apathy and remains with the aggressor. nine0005

Advice for those who want to make a difference

Saying "I'm leaving you" is the worst possible solution. The offender will be furious if the world he has built suddenly collapses. Statistics say: the greatest number of quarrels with the use of force occurs precisely at the moment of a sharp break. Therefore, one must act not impulsively, but according to a well-thought-out plan. This plan should include the following points.

  1. Go to a safe place, such as your parents or friends. You can contact the Center for Help for Women and Children. Being safe, a person returns to himself, begins to hear himself. From this state, you can start thinking about what to do next. nine0018
  2. Take with you everything you need (money, clothes, medicines, etc.)
  3. Tell partner: “I have decided to think about our relationship. I am safe."
  4. If you left with your children, report this to the guardianship authorities so that later you will not be accused of stealing children.
  5. Start working with specialists: lawyers, doctors, psychologists. How economically dependent are you? How legally vulnerable? How strong is your emotional attachment to the abuser? Comprehensive work will help analyze all aspects of your life. Now the necessary consultations can be obtained online. nine0018
  6. Gather evidence. Record all cases of harassment: take screenshots of correspondence with threats, record calls. Report to the police, especially if the stalker breaks the law (damages things, attacks on the street). Even if the police limit themselves to “talking”, the offender will know that he is also under surveillance.
  7. Do not enter into negotiations. If possible, do not make contact with the offender. Do not respond to messages, and, of course, do not agree to a personal meeting. nine0018
  8. Refrain from posting on social networks. The abuser can determine your location.

What's next?

What will be the way out of your situation is impossible to predict. Each case is individual. For some couples, it is enough to go through a crisis once in order to rethink their attitude towards each other. This is possible if both partners want to keep the relationship and agree to work with a psychologist.

If your partner is not ready for dialogue, you have a lot of work to do, the result of which should be a safe way out of a traumatic situation. If your own resources are not enough, you can always contact Crisis Center for Assistance to women and children :

8 (499) 977-20-10

(Monday-Subbota, 9:00-20:00),

(499) 492-46-89

(Monday-Sunday, 9:00-21:00)

Site KRizis-centr. ru

based within the framework of the IDPO project « On - line workshop. Watch the webinar: https://events.webinar.ru/19610373/3793966/record-new/3865712

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all this can be a serious test of the strength of relationships in the family. Read the advice of psychologists and take tests on the topic of a family crisis on the I'm at Home portal.

NGO HELP

Psychologists and lawyers from several non-profit organizations also work with the problem of domestic violence in Moscow. Specialists will help you understand the situation and choose a strategy for getting out of the problem. On the NGO website you can find a video instruction for victims of violence

help.nasiliu.net

8 (495) 916-30-00 Weekdays 11:00 am to 07:00 pm Moscow time

Mercy's Mom's Home Crisis Center provides temporary housing for pregnant women who have nowhere else to go.

All-Russian Free trust phone for women underwent violence

8 (800) 700-06-00 on weekdays from 07:00 to 21:00 Moscow time

Psychological violence and methods coping

Zyuzkina Anastasia Andreevna, psychologist of the health care institution "City Clinical Psychiatric Dispensary"

Domestic violence against women and children is often not perceived as an act of violence.

The topic of psychological abuse is broad, this issue is relevant not only in the field of the family system, but also in the sphere of work.

For example, in the scientific literature, psychological violence is called mobbing - the employer's disrespectful attitude towards employees in the context of labor relations. Situations where periodically (at least once a week) the employee is humiliated and harassed by the team or the manager, the purpose of which is to dismiss the employee during the period of employment. Mobbing is manifested in the oppression of a long period of time and includes negative statements, unfounded criticism, social isolation of an employee, dissemination of deliberately false information about a person, and more. nine0005

Psychological consequences for the object of mobbing are so serious that social significance is perceived as traumatic and compared with murder, rape and robbery. Some people even think about suicide.

Most often, psychological abuse occurs in the family. The main victims of domestic violence are women and children. The consequences of psychological violence include sleep and appetite disorders, alcoholism, reckless committing of traumatic actions, a change in the nature of the individual. nine0005

Psychological violence is a form of influence on the emotions or psyche of a partner through threats, intimidation, insults, criticism, condemnation, etc. That is, a constant verbal negative impact on another person. More often this type of violence is subjected to wives from their husbands, much less often vice versa.

Psychological abuse can escalate into physical abuse.

Domestic violence also spreads in cohabitation as cohabitation. Most often it is a form of psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is on a par with physical abuse, since the personality is violated by suppressing self-esteem. Under such conditions, the person who is targeted by the negative impact does not assess the situation as dangerous and sometimes it is necessary to convince them that they have become precisely the victims. Beliefs are formed as if she herself is to blame, misunderstood, did not tolerate, did not prove, provoked. As a result, personal characteristics are formed: self-restraint, alienation, negativism, refusal to express one's own position. nine0005

Insults, violence, mistreatment in psychology is called abuse. The person who forces to do something, offends, forces to perform actions that are unpleasant to another person, respectively, is an abuser.

The reasons why one partner affects the psyche of another are varied, the most common: the need for self-realization and self-affirmation at the expense of the other, difficulties in the inability to express one's desires and thoughts, past experience, financial dependence on one's partner, the perception of violence as a norm in family behavior, propaganda of violence in the media / movies / video games, psychological deviations in the form of a psychological trauma. nine0005

With constant criticism, the self-esteem of the victim decreases to a certain level and self-confidence is shaky, in this state it is easier for the tyrant to impose his opinion and desired behavior. The victim in such a state of mind doubts the correctness of his actions, a feeling of insignificance and guilt is instilled. By psychologically influencing such a person, another model of life is laid, the position of a tyrant is adopted and control is exercised on his part.

There are many signs of psychological violence and a combination of signs is used to determine it, and not each factor individually:

  • criticism - a rough assessment of shortcomings, comments about appearance, intelligence, taste preferences, such criticism may be followed by insults.
  • Humiliation - insults, rough treatment.
  • Accusation - conviction of guilt, for example, in family failures and shifting responsibility for everything that happens.
  • Despotism - commanding tone in communication, orders and instructions instead of requests.
  • Intimidation - Threats of physical violence to the victim and their loved ones, limiting prohibitions on contact with children and threats from the tyrant to commit suicide. nine0018
  • Prohibition to communicate with relatives, friends, colleagues, deprivation of means of communication.
  • Prohibited from visiting places outside the home and obtaining permission from a partner to leave the house.
  • Permanent presence, partner rarely leaves alone.
  • Monitoring behavior and communication outside the home, checking personal messages, checking call lists, checking email, installing software, hidden or open surveillance (video surveillance). nine0018

Emotional abuse also includes jealousy, which manifests itself in constant accusations of adultery.

A psychological abuser has such qualities as: disrespectful attitude towards a partner and his life principles; the imposition of help that was not asked for, generosity that puts you in an awkward position; total control; jealousy; threatening behavior; the presence of double standards “I can, but you can’t”; life credo "a man (woman) is never guilty of anything. " nine0005

There are several types of psychological violence. Gaslighting is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse. The gaslighter denies their partner or child adequateness using the phrases “it seemed to you”, “it didn’t happen”, “you just don’t understand it”. The victim is instilled that the perception of the environment is erroneous, therefore, the victim is convinced that she is going crazy. Neglekt - ignoring any needs, arguing that a person does not need it, deliberate negligence. Sometimes the abuser pushes his partner to plastic surgery, refuses to deal with everyday life and children. In this situation, it is best to isolate yourself from the abuser. nine0103 Visholding - refusal to discuss an exciting topic. Emotional blackmail - ignoring any action of the victim, emotional coldness, silence, blackmail with personal information. The purpose of such behavior is the subordination of another person, deprivation of one's own will, and only by limiting communication can one protect himself from this. Ignoring - emotional withdrawal. Isolation - prohibition of contact with everyone except the abuser himself, so the request for help is difficult to carry out. nine0103 Control - tight control over any actions of the partner. Criticism - pointing out shortcomings and miscalculations, that in front of other people it looks like ridicule. The purpose of such behavior is to form an inferiority complex, after such an impact it is difficult to recover from such a relationship, faith in oneself, partnership is lost.

It is best for the victim to get out of the situation of violence (even run away, disappear from view). Victims of psychological abuse cannot avoid mental problems. Such people are in a state of psychological trauma and experience anxiety, fear, may become depressed, and suicidal attempts are not excluded. There is also emotional dependence, neglect of one's needs, various addictions may arise, for example, alcohol or drugs.

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